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1
00:00:01,950 --> 00:00:04,130
You know, Mr. Katz, you gotta help me
quit from my English class.
2
00:00:04,330 --> 00:00:05,730
I need a sentence with the word
officiate.
3
00:00:06,290 --> 00:00:07,670
Sentence with the word officiate, okay.
4
00:00:07,890 --> 00:00:10,690
Um, my uncle got sick because of
officiate.
5
00:00:23,390 --> 00:00:24,410
Welcome back.
6
00:00:25,910 --> 00:00:28,730
Your dreams blew your ticket out.
7
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,030
Welcome back.
8
00:00:31,950 --> 00:00:35,650
To that same old place that you laughed
about.
9
00:00:36,490 --> 00:00:40,130
Well, the names have all changed since
you hung around.
10
00:00:40,850 --> 00:00:44,570
But those dreams have remained and
they've turned around.
11
00:00:45,850 --> 00:00:50,550
Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Who'd
have thought they'd need ya? Back here
12
00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:56,510
where we need ya. Back here where we
need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot. But
13
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got him on the spot.
14
00:00:58,230 --> 00:00:59,370
Welcome back.
15
00:01:00,170 --> 00:01:01,250
Welcome back.
16
00:01:01,660 --> 00:01:03,680
Welcome back, welcome back.
17
00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:10,380
Please, Vinny, no more.
18
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No more. I'll be good. I'll be a good
boy.
19
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:17,580
Please, just don't tell no more of your
jokes.
20
00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:19,920
Okay,
21
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look, this last joke, it's really funny.
Everybody last night really laughed at
22
00:01:23,860 --> 00:01:24,860
this joke.
23
00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:28,020
Okay. All right, this guy goes...
24
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to a pocket meter, he puts the dime in a
pocket meter, and the needle goes to
25
00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:36,400
60, right? And he says, oh no, I lost
100 pounds.
26
00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:44,700
And then, I got this other one, it's
really funny too.
27
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:50,620
Alright, I taught my dog how to eat by
the sound of the bell, right? So, what
28
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happens yesterday, he eats the Avon
lady.
29
00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:08,660
I just got here.
30
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:11,820
Hey, Vinnie, ask Mr. Carter one of those
jokes.
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He'll know if it's old.
32
00:02:14,020 --> 00:02:15,020
Okay, all right.
33
00:02:16,260 --> 00:02:17,500
Mr. Carter, okay.
34
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:22,220
Now, everybody thinks that Columbus had
three ships, right?
35
00:02:22,540 --> 00:02:24,820
But you did not know he really had four.
36
00:02:25,780 --> 00:02:26,780
Yeah, I knew, Vinnie.
37
00:02:27,020 --> 00:02:29,460
Okay, the reason was because... What do
you mean you know?
38
00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:33,180
You're supposed to say, you know, you're
supposed to say, how come, Vinnie, and
39
00:02:33,180 --> 00:02:34,180
then I tell you the punchline.
40
00:02:35,060 --> 00:02:36,400
I'm sorry, Vinnie, I know the joke.
41
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:39,640
Who wants to go finish it? You already
ruined my timing.
42
00:02:41,620 --> 00:02:43,660
I didn't mean to, Vinny. I just know the
joke.
43
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Columbus started out with four ships,
but only three reached America because
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00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:49,100
fell over the edge.
45
00:02:52,460 --> 00:02:54,900
I had laughed at him just because he's
the teacher.
46
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,520
If I was to tell the joke, he wouldn't
have laughed. He would have said, old
47
00:02:58,520 --> 00:02:59,700
joke, Vinny, not funny.
48
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:04,580
What's all this joke business about?
49
00:03:05,070 --> 00:03:09,790
Well, you see, Mr. Carter, last night
Vinnie here went to the Comedy
50
00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:13,550
a place that features new comedians with
old jokes.
51
00:03:14,690 --> 00:03:17,470
Comedy Connection. I've been there.
That's a lot of fun. You went last
52
00:03:17,970 --> 00:03:19,390
Sunday's amateur night. That's great.
53
00:03:19,610 --> 00:03:21,610
Did you ever think about maybe
performing there?
54
00:03:21,990 --> 00:03:23,230
I mean, you fit right in.
55
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:25,450
Your jokes are as old as anybody's.
56
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:29,270
You know, one time I almost did get up
there.
57
00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:30,510
Yeah, what happened?
58
00:03:30,930 --> 00:03:33,710
Well, I wanted to go on stage, but my
stomach didn't.
59
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:36,520
Come on, Mr.
60
00:03:36,740 --> 00:03:39,620
Carter. Aren't you the boss of your
body?
61
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:43,740
What are you, stomach pecked?
62
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:50,500
Look, being a comedian to me has always
been like a secret dream.
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00:03:50,820 --> 00:03:55,100
And I think I should leave it that way.
Mr. Carter, it's great to have secret
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00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:56,100
dreams.
65
00:03:56,460 --> 00:03:57,460
I got one.
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00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,760
It involves one of Charlie's Angels.
67
00:04:04,170 --> 00:04:04,728
Hey, Mr.
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00:04:04,730 --> 00:04:07,650
Carter, ain't you the guy who told us
when we have a chance to go for that
69
00:04:07,650 --> 00:04:09,350
ring just to grab it? Yeah.
70
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:13,970
Yeah? Yeah, and ain't you the guy that
told us if you wants to win, you gots to
71
00:04:13,970 --> 00:04:14,970
play?
72
00:04:15,970 --> 00:04:20,730
Yeah. And didn't you tell me yesterday
that if you don't have confidence in
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00:04:20,730 --> 00:04:22,670
yourself, no one will?
74
00:04:24,110 --> 00:04:25,110
Yeah.
75
00:04:25,370 --> 00:04:26,370
Well?
76
00:04:27,550 --> 00:04:29,490
Drop it. Find my own words.
77
00:04:34,220 --> 00:04:35,220
do it this Sunday night.
78
00:04:39,340 --> 00:04:40,640
What's all the noise about, Carter?
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00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:45,980
Well, this Sunday night, I'm going to a
nightclub and I'm going to do a comedy
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00:04:45,980 --> 00:04:47,040
routine on amateur night.
81
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,360
Come on, Carter. There is no nightclub
with a night that amateur.
82
00:04:52,540 --> 00:04:55,340
Mr. Whitman, I mean, what you know about
nightclubs?
83
00:04:55,620 --> 00:04:58,600
Last time you was at a nightclub, the
car hopped part of your dinosaur.
84
00:05:03,180 --> 00:05:05,180
Wilma, ain't you ever heard of us? It's
a comedy connection.
85
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:06,400
It's the end thing to do now.
86
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:07,940
Are you going to be there?
87
00:05:08,260 --> 00:05:10,260
Oh, I wouldn't miss this for anything in
the world.
88
00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:13,240
You know, Carter, in my day, I was a
champion heckler.
89
00:05:16,540 --> 00:05:18,400
You're such a sweet guy, Mr. Wilma.
90
00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:22,080
I picked your hangs in every post office
in the Catskill Mountains.
91
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:26,020
You ever heard of Shecky Rabinowitz?
92
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:28,440
Of course you haven't.
93
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,720
I ruined his career with one heckler.
94
00:05:32,390 --> 00:05:34,430
Today he's raising earthworms in New
Jersey.
95
00:05:36,810 --> 00:05:38,450
Sunday night, the comedy connection.
96
00:05:42,530 --> 00:05:44,770
You're on next, honey. They just called
number 41.
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00:05:45,190 --> 00:05:47,290
I don't believe I had to take a number
when I came in.
98
00:05:47,870 --> 00:05:49,430
What is this, a nightclub or a bakery?
99
00:05:51,630 --> 00:05:52,630
I'm not sure.
100
00:05:53,130 --> 00:05:57,130
But just to cover yourself, when you go
out there, you can start with, good
101
00:05:57,130 --> 00:05:58,510
evening, ladies and muffins.
102
00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:04,640
What are you making jokes for? I got to
go on there five minutes and make jokes
103
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:05,539
and you're making jokes.
104
00:06:05,540 --> 00:06:06,900
That's not fair.
105
00:06:07,220 --> 00:06:08,560
You know, that might be a good opening.
106
00:06:08,780 --> 00:06:11,820
Ah, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, I just got here and they made
107
00:06:11,820 --> 00:06:14,720
me take a number. I wasn't sure whether
this is a nightclub or a bakery. Well,
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00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,460
anyway, good evening, ladies and
muffins.
109
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Don't use it.
110
00:06:20,940 --> 00:06:22,420
Just be yourself.
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00:06:22,820 --> 00:06:26,160
You're funny, you're charming, and you
have a twinkle.
112
00:06:27,180 --> 00:06:28,560
I think my twinkle just went out.
113
00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:32,940
I gotta get him right away, you know? I
mean, you need a good opening, something
114
00:06:32,940 --> 00:06:33,940
that really grabs him.
115
00:06:34,300 --> 00:06:38,240
Oh, if you want to grab him instead of a
tuxedo, you should have rented a
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00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:39,240
gorilla.
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00:06:43,180 --> 00:06:44,980
Muffin was funny. Gorilla, forget about
it.
118
00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:48,920
You all set, Shecky? Huh?
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00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:52,580
Hey, guy.
120
00:06:53,420 --> 00:06:55,400
What's the matter? You look as nervous
as a gorilla.
121
00:07:00,270 --> 00:07:04,710
Out there, number 41 said the audience
was so bad that the only thing that
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00:07:04,710 --> 00:07:05,710
grab him was a gorilla.
123
00:07:09,890 --> 00:07:11,550
Did he say anything about muffins?
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00:07:13,630 --> 00:07:14,630
Nah.
125
00:07:15,010 --> 00:07:16,430
That was number 38.
126
00:07:17,250 --> 00:07:20,410
Yeah, he came out there and said, good
evening, ladies and muffins.
127
00:07:22,370 --> 00:07:25,790
I don't believe it. I'm number 42. They
probably heard every joke in the world
128
00:07:25,790 --> 00:07:27,110
by now. Yeah, you're right.
129
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:31,900
Well, look, I just came in here to wish
you good luck and tell you to break an
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00:07:31,900 --> 00:07:32,900
arm.
131
00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:36,980
The expression is break a leg, Juan.
132
00:07:38,580 --> 00:07:39,580
Whatever it takes.
133
00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:46,540
Well, might as well go out there. It's
going to be any minute now.
134
00:07:46,780 --> 00:07:47,780
Good luck, honey.
135
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:52,980
You think I'm going to get any laughs?
136
00:07:53,700 --> 00:07:55,500
Well, if you don't, your suit will.
137
00:08:03,310 --> 00:08:08,570
As Ed Sullivan used to say, really big,
really big.
138
00:08:08,930 --> 00:08:15,630
Right here on our stage, we have World
War II and the
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original cast.
140
00:08:16,910 --> 00:08:19,090
Really big, really big.
141
00:08:19,670 --> 00:08:23,010
Excuse me there, fella. How much do you
charge to haunt a house?
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00:08:26,230 --> 00:08:30,850
If you people ever get a chance to be an
audience, don't take it.
143
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:34,299
Hey, why don't you call Christian
Barnard and get a joke transplant?
144
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:45,320
Number 42 is next, a schoolteacher from
Brooklyn, Gabe Cutter.
145
00:08:46,980 --> 00:08:47,460
Thank
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00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:54,520
you.
147
00:08:54,580 --> 00:08:55,580
Thank you very much.
148
00:08:56,300 --> 00:08:58,260
It's nice to be here tonight. Excuse me.
149
00:08:58,650 --> 00:09:01,630
What did the penguin do after you mugged
him and took away his suit?
150
00:09:03,690 --> 00:09:05,730
Mr. Woodman, give him a chance.
151
00:09:07,330 --> 00:09:11,110
It's nice to be here tonight. I have
some funny relatives. Like, there's my
152
00:09:11,110 --> 00:09:15,530
Rhoda. She's been married so many times,
she has rice scars on her face.
153
00:09:21,470 --> 00:09:25,150
She's the only lady I know that has a
wash -and -wear wedding dress.
154
00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:38,360
Wash and wear wedding dress. Laugh.
155
00:09:42,180 --> 00:09:46,900
I have an Aunt Elsie who used to yell at
my Uncle Al.
156
00:09:47,540 --> 00:09:49,880
Aunt Elsie would say, you give me so
much trouble.
157
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,880
When you die, I'm going to dance in your
grave.
158
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:57,860
Well, my Uncle Al would say, I'm going
to be buried at sea.
159
00:09:58,160 --> 00:09:59,160
Let her dance.
160
00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:02,420
Why don't you bury your act at sea?
161
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:05,340
You're afraid it'll kill her.
162
00:10:10,350 --> 00:10:12,810
Wait a second, where are you folks
going? The man here, he ain't done with
163
00:10:12,810 --> 00:10:15,890
act. Yeah, that would be very implied
for you to leave, and very unhealthy.
164
00:10:17,130 --> 00:10:19,950
Have a seat. Thank you very much. Sit
down, relax.
165
00:10:20,510 --> 00:10:24,190
Yeah, everybody, no one has to leave
yet. I got a million jokes.
166
00:10:24,530 --> 00:10:25,369
Oh, yeah?
167
00:10:25,370 --> 00:10:27,550
Well, why don't you take the rest home
in a doggie bag?
168
00:10:49,770 --> 00:10:53,010
She's so skinny, she wears snow shower.
169
00:10:54,990 --> 00:11:01,170
Wait a second. She's so skinny, she
wears snow shoes in the shower.
170
00:11:01,410 --> 00:11:03,070
she'll get sucked down the drain.
171
00:11:07,690 --> 00:11:08,990
Here's my Uncle Max.
172
00:11:09,230 --> 00:11:10,770
My Uncle Max, he's...
173
00:11:10,770 --> 00:11:16,770
Look, I don't know.
174
00:11:17,450 --> 00:11:20,230
I'm sorry, I'm not a comedian. I
shouldn't be up here.
175
00:11:20,790 --> 00:11:25,830
It was stupid for me to... Have a good
time.
176
00:11:31,570 --> 00:11:33,810
Well, I hope you're all happy now.
177
00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:35,870
That man's got babies at home.
178
00:11:38,270 --> 00:11:39,270
Oh, yeah?
179
00:11:40,070 --> 00:11:42,210
They're lucky they don't have to listen
to his act.
180
00:11:55,150 --> 00:11:57,230
You had some nice moments. You get all
right, Mr. Cartier. You can get better
181
00:11:57,230 --> 00:11:58,510
luck next time, you know. It's all
right.
182
00:11:59,170 --> 00:12:01,150
Oh, it wasn't that bad, honey.
183
00:12:02,850 --> 00:12:04,010
It was that bad.
184
00:12:06,210 --> 00:12:08,590
He was really doing great till you
opened your mouth.
185
00:12:10,870 --> 00:12:12,290
At least your suit was funny.
186
00:12:14,010 --> 00:12:15,010
Yeah.
187
00:12:16,130 --> 00:12:17,730
Chin up, little buckaroo.
188
00:12:19,730 --> 00:12:21,210
You did your best.
189
00:12:22,770 --> 00:12:24,050
Yeah, I guess so, Arnold.
190
00:12:24,330 --> 00:12:26,530
I mean, it's not my fault if my
relatives aren't funny.
191
00:12:27,490 --> 00:12:30,630
That's the spirit, honey. You have got
nothing to be ashamed of.
192
00:12:30,830 --> 00:12:33,830
Yo, I've got something to be ashamed of.
I laughed at them.
193
00:12:36,310 --> 00:12:38,930
I can never come back here again.
Everyone's going to think there's
194
00:12:38,930 --> 00:12:40,350
wrong with me. They're going to think
I'm weird.
195
00:12:42,350 --> 00:12:49,350
Look, guys, you wanted me to try, and I
did. Now, if you don't mind, I'll see
196
00:12:49,350 --> 00:12:49,989
you tomorrow.
197
00:12:49,990 --> 00:12:53,210
Right on, man. I'll show him. You take
care. You did all right, you know? Yeah,
198
00:12:53,210 --> 00:12:54,118
look.
199
00:12:54,119 --> 00:12:55,180
That's showbiz, huh? Yeah.
200
00:12:58,220 --> 00:12:59,360
I'm proud of you.
201
00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:02,920
Come on, honey.
202
00:13:03,060 --> 00:13:04,060
Everything's going to be all right.
203
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:05,880
Yeah, let's go home. Okay.
204
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:09,080
Hey, uh, don't tell the girls what
happened.
205
00:13:09,380 --> 00:13:10,380
Okay.
206
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:12,179
Get cut.
207
00:13:12,180 --> 00:13:13,540
Yeah. Nice to meet you.
208
00:13:14,020 --> 00:13:15,020
Peter Chernoff.
209
00:13:15,220 --> 00:13:17,980
Oh, hi. This is my wife, Julia. This is
Mr. Chernoff. Hi.
210
00:13:19,060 --> 00:13:20,240
Creative talent agency?
211
00:13:21,210 --> 00:13:24,110
I think you got the wrong guy. No, I'm
in the nightclub division. We're always
212
00:13:24,110 --> 00:13:25,110
looking for new talent.
213
00:13:26,090 --> 00:13:27,590
Well, now I know you got the wrong guy.
214
00:13:27,970 --> 00:13:28,970
Forget about tonight.
215
00:13:29,170 --> 00:13:31,370
Some crazy old man out there heckling
everybody.
216
00:13:34,290 --> 00:13:35,870
You know, I hope I never see him again.
217
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:38,570
I wish I could be that lucky.
218
00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:42,090
Look, I think you're a funny guy.
219
00:13:42,970 --> 00:13:44,070
Your trouble is material.
220
00:13:44,810 --> 00:13:46,410
Number one, you need something fresh.
221
00:13:46,650 --> 00:13:48,370
Something that fits you. Have a seat.
222
00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:57,759
I'm a teacher.
223
00:13:57,760 --> 00:13:59,000
All right. What do you teach?
224
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:01,320
Social studies for underachievers.
225
00:14:01,620 --> 00:14:02,980
Not bad. That could be funny.
226
00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:05,620
Oh, it is funny. You should meet the
sweat hogs.
227
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:09,040
Yeah, you should meet the sweat hogs.
Sweat hogs? What sweat hogs?
228
00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:12,800
Sweat hogs are the kids I teach. I love
it. I'm laughing already.
229
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:18,140
You don't look like you're laughing.
230
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:22,040
It's inside here, where it counts.
231
00:14:22,940 --> 00:14:24,100
Now, tell me about these kids.
232
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:28,680
Well, uh... Let me see. There's Arnold
Horschak. Great name. Love it. What's he
233
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:30,520
like? Well, he's short.
234
00:14:30,780 --> 00:14:33,120
He's got a kind of pointy nose. He
laughs.
235
00:14:34,460 --> 00:14:38,880
You wouldn't believe the laugh that's
going on inside him.
236
00:14:42,260 --> 00:14:45,480
You know, you better watch out. You
could get an ingrown chuckle.
237
00:14:47,740 --> 00:14:48,679
I'm serious.
238
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:50,140
This stuff is great. You got more?
239
00:14:50,620 --> 00:14:54,380
Sure, I got more. There's Juan Epstein.
He's a tough guy. He was voted...
240
00:14:54,780 --> 00:14:57,940
Most likely to take a life in this,
uh... Stop.
241
00:14:58,460 --> 00:14:59,500
You're killing me here.
242
00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:05,680
Look, you put these kids in your
routine, you got yourself a nightclub
243
00:15:06,260 --> 00:15:08,160
Now, I'll see you here next Sunday
night.
244
00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:09,520
What?
245
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:10,819
Next Sunday.
246
00:15:10,820 --> 00:15:12,660
Do the new stuff, talk about the kids,
right?
247
00:15:13,820 --> 00:15:14,820
Yeah, sure, right.
248
00:15:15,020 --> 00:15:16,020
Great. See you then.
249
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:22,880
Honey, remind me next week to bring my
stethoscope.
250
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:24,720
Stethoscope, why?
251
00:15:25,260 --> 00:15:27,840
For one, I would like to hear that man
laugh.
252
00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:32,340
Funny, Julie, very funny. I'm getting
funnier.
253
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,680
All right, guys, I think I got it. Let
me try it, all right? No interruptions.
254
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:39,240
Just a minute.
255
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:44,140
Mr. Music, can I have a drum roll,
please?
256
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:23,340
They call themselves the sweat hogs. Let
me tell you about them. Well, there's
257
00:16:23,340 --> 00:16:24,239
Freddie Washington.
258
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:27,020
We started to call him Boom Boom. That's
his nickname, Boom Boom. And here he
259
00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:28,960
walks like this. You know, you see him
walking down the street. He's always
260
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:29,960
walking like this.
261
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:35,060
And he says, hi there.
262
00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:38,000
Relax. Take a break.
263
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:41,340
Let me say, I don't walk like this.
264
00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:46,180
I don't do that. See, what I do is I
relax. I let myself hang.
265
00:16:46,420 --> 00:16:47,760
I let it stay back and I just give it.
266
00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:49,480
Hi there.
267
00:16:52,170 --> 00:16:53,770
that? I can do it. You think you can
hang? Yeah. Let me see you hang.
268
00:16:54,170 --> 00:16:56,510
Let me see you hang. You loose? Get some
rhythm. Let me move them hips. All
269
00:16:56,510 --> 00:16:57,510
right. You're doing nice. All right.
270
00:16:57,570 --> 00:17:00,250
Hang back and give it to me. You ready?
Yeah. You ready? Yeah. Let it go.
271
00:17:01,250 --> 00:17:02,250
Hi there.
272
00:17:05,470 --> 00:17:07,710
It's going to take a lot more than
practice to get him to look like me.
273
00:17:09,609 --> 00:17:10,609
How fast do you tan?
274
00:17:13,170 --> 00:17:14,009
Sit down.
275
00:17:14,010 --> 00:17:14,709
Copper tone?
276
00:17:14,710 --> 00:17:15,710
Sit down.
277
00:17:16,490 --> 00:17:18,750
All right. The next sweat hog is Juan
Epstein.
278
00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:21,760
Juan Epstein is half Jewish and half
Puerto Rican.
279
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,400
His favorite dish is matzo ball tacos.
280
00:17:30,020 --> 00:17:31,060
Funny, that's funny.
281
00:17:32,220 --> 00:17:36,140
Juan has a very strange walk. He walks
like he's got his lunch in his shoes.
282
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:38,960
Something like this.
283
00:17:43,260 --> 00:17:46,620
Come on, come on, don't be crazy. Nobody
walks like that.
284
00:17:51,590 --> 00:17:55,230
You got to go for the gold, you know?
Why don't you try some of my old notes
285
00:17:55,230 --> 00:17:57,850
them? Notes? What are your notes? It's a
great idea. Yeah, yeah.
286
00:17:58,190 --> 00:18:02,230
All right, now what you got to do is you
got to ask for a category, an improv.
287
00:18:02,490 --> 00:18:04,150
Okay, give me a category. Go ahead.
288
00:18:04,650 --> 00:18:05,609
Space program.
289
00:18:05,610 --> 00:18:06,950
All right, that's good. That's good.
Let's see.
290
00:18:07,690 --> 00:18:10,650
Dear Mr. Carter, please excuse Juan for
being absent.
291
00:18:11,530 --> 00:18:14,970
He got chosen by NASA to be the first
punk in orbit.
292
00:18:15,890 --> 00:18:17,510
See? Use the A stuff.
293
00:18:18,030 --> 00:18:19,970
That's funny. All right, I'll do it now.
Go ahead. Okay.
294
00:18:20,370 --> 00:18:27,030
Epstein always has these... What are you
doing? I'm the cocktail waitress.
295
00:18:29,110 --> 00:18:31,090
You've got to get into the reality of
this.
296
00:18:31,770 --> 00:18:34,570
You sit down. Come on. Keep your hands
off me.
297
00:18:36,230 --> 00:18:37,630
I'm going steady with the owner.
298
00:18:42,070 --> 00:18:43,610
I give it six months.
299
00:18:45,900 --> 00:18:51,260
Mr. Carter, don't you pay them no mind
at all. Go ahead, talk about me now. Go
300
00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:52,260
ahead, go ahead.
301
00:18:53,620 --> 00:18:56,800
Arnold Horschak, that's right. That's
the actual name of the kid in my class.
302
00:18:56,860 --> 00:18:58,520
His name is Arnold Horschak. He goes
like this.
303
00:19:01,220 --> 00:19:05,460
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
304
00:19:05,660 --> 00:19:08,760
I thought you said that you weren't
going to interrupt. Well, if you want to
305
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:10,720
sloppy about it. All right, all right,
all right.
306
00:19:11,060 --> 00:19:14,200
What am I doing wrong? Well, first of
all, it's more rounded tones.
307
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:17,680
Oh, oh!
308
00:19:47,530 --> 00:19:49,590
Yes, yes. Some guy figured out why I
bombed last time.
309
00:19:49,950 --> 00:19:51,130
Oh, I could have told you that.
310
00:19:51,350 --> 00:19:52,350
You went on stage.
311
00:19:54,030 --> 00:19:59,310
I forget about him.
312
00:20:00,030 --> 00:20:01,370
Ladies and gentlemen, I have another
student.
313
00:20:01,810 --> 00:20:03,350
His name is Vinnie Barbarino.
314
00:20:03,650 --> 00:20:05,950
Vinnie Barbarino is very popular with
the ladies.
315
00:20:06,270 --> 00:20:09,690
In fact, if information can't find a
number, they call Vinnie.
316
00:20:14,830 --> 00:20:17,430
He's the only student I know that's
listed in the Guinness Book of Hickeys.
317
00:20:22,910 --> 00:20:26,070
Yeah, well, I've got to say one thing
about the sweat hogs. They're
318
00:20:26,290 --> 00:20:27,430
They don't believe in guns.
319
00:20:27,850 --> 00:20:29,350
They insert the bullets manually.
320
00:20:33,470 --> 00:20:36,230
Remember what I was saying about Juan
Epstein? Well, whenever he's late or
321
00:20:36,230 --> 00:20:38,990
absent, he always brings in a note, and
he writes it himself.
322
00:20:39,550 --> 00:20:41,610
Here's one, an actual note that Juan
handed in.
323
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:47,440
Dear Mr. Cotter, please excuse Juan for
being absent for two days. He was flown
324
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:49,780
to Rome for an ecumenical council with
the Pope.
325
00:20:52,540 --> 00:20:53,540
It's signed,
326
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:55,120
Epstein's mother.
327
00:20:58,500 --> 00:21:02,520
Well, what can I tell you people about
the sweat hogs that you already haven't
328
00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:03,580
heard on your police radios?
329
00:21:07,380 --> 00:21:11,340
As the sweat hogs would say, up your
noses with rubber hoses.
330
00:21:46,940 --> 00:21:47,940
Wow,
331
00:21:53,260 --> 00:21:55,360
that's a really tempting offer.
332
00:22:04,170 --> 00:22:06,950
and I always wanted to try to get up on
stage. Well, I'm really glad you did.
333
00:22:07,090 --> 00:22:10,190
See you next week. You've got a great
talent. Don't waste it. Hey, baby.
334
00:22:10,450 --> 00:22:11,450
What do you say, baby, baby?
335
00:22:14,030 --> 00:22:16,090
I don't know. This is all happening so
fast.
336
00:22:16,610 --> 00:22:19,270
I suppose I could get a leave of
absence.
337
00:22:19,550 --> 00:22:20,870
Yeah, well, come on. What do you think,
Julie?
338
00:22:21,870 --> 00:22:23,650
Cotter. Cotter, you're over 30.
339
00:22:23,910 --> 00:22:25,410
Come on, take the shot while you got it.
340
00:22:25,890 --> 00:22:27,270
Mr. Cotter, you were...
341
00:22:29,450 --> 00:22:33,370
guys you know i mean this is like a
dream come true for me you know i dreamt
342
00:22:33,370 --> 00:22:36,310
that something like this would one day
happen and it's i can't believe it how
343
00:22:36,310 --> 00:22:40,110
many people get to see their dreams come
true you know it's the right move i can
344
00:22:40,110 --> 00:22:47,090
feel it here inside come on what do you
say well i
345
00:22:47,090 --> 00:22:50,990
guess you know if you get a chance to
grab at that brass ring you better take
346
00:22:50,990 --> 00:22:56,410
right all right quiet everybody quiet i
have an announcement
347
00:22:56,410 --> 00:22:58,690
starting this tuesday
348
00:22:59,390 --> 00:23:04,190
For Mr. Gabe Cotter, it's goodbye
teaching, hello show business.
349
00:23:22,210 --> 00:23:25,310
Is Gabe Cotter serious about doing stand
-up comedy?
350
00:23:25,750 --> 00:23:28,570
More important, is he funny doing stand
-up comedy?
351
00:23:29,420 --> 00:23:32,000
Will he hit the heights, the skids, or
the road?
352
00:23:32,620 --> 00:23:35,500
Will Woodman quit his job and become a
professional heckler?
353
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:38,980
Has Conor turned his back on the sweat
hogs?
354
00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:41,700
Now, who will teach these delightful
lads?
355
00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:44,280
Does Julie want this for Gabe?
356
00:23:44,940 --> 00:23:47,600
Can a man make a whole career out of
Epstein's walk?
357
00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:49,580
Or Shaq's laugh?
358
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:52,000
Barbarino's charm?
359
00:23:52,740 --> 00:23:54,140
And Washington's cool?
360
00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:59,140
Find out next week on part two of
Welcome Back, Cotter.
361
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:02,260
Poitionally, I think the kids are going
to make it big.
362
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:13,200
Welcome back.
363
00:24:14,340 --> 00:24:17,400
Your dreams were your ticket out.
364
00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:24,280
Welcome back to that same old place that
you laughed about.
365
00:24:25,420 --> 00:24:28,840
Well, the names have all changed since
you hung around.
366
00:24:29,420 --> 00:24:33,320
But those dreams have remained and
they've turned around.
367
00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:36,440
Who'd have thought they'd need ya?
368
00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:40,680
Back here where we need ya.
369
00:24:42,940 --> 00:24:48,000
We tease him a lot cause we got him on
the spot. Welcome back.
370
00:24:48,780 --> 00:24:52,380
Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome
back.
371
00:24:52,940 --> 00:24:54,220
Welcome back.
372
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:56,700
Welcome back. Welcome back.
373
00:24:57,940 --> 00:25:00,900
We're all in good spot of breath.
374
00:25:02,020 --> 00:25:03,260
Welcome back.
375
00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:05,800
And that's my way.
30607
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