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Julie, one time my uncle Edmund, he's on
a plane, right? He sits down, and next
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to him on the aisle is this big guy,
about 6 '7". The big guy sits down there
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and goes right to sleep.
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So my uncle Edmund, right, he's having
lunch. He's got his tray table up there,
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and he's having lunch, and the big guy's
next to him.
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And all of a sudden, some turbulence
happens, and the whole tray table falls
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the big guy.
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About five minutes later, the big guy
wakes up, sees all this out, and says,
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What happened?
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My uncle Edmondson missed it. You feel
better now?
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Welcome
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back.
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Your dreams were your ticket out.
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Welcome back to that same old place that
you laughed about.
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Well, the names have all changed since
you hung around, but those dreams have
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remained and they've turned around.
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Who'd have thought they'd need ya?
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Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back
here where we need ya. Back here where
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we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot,
cause we got him on the spot. Welcome
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back.
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Welcome back, welcome back, welcome
back.
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Look, we just came by to see if Mr.
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Carr was going to come to school or not
tomorrow. Yeah, you know, because if he
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isn't, we better untie the substitute.
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We shouldn't have done that.
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You know something? You're right. We
should have tied up Woodman.
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He's been acting very weird lately, even
for Woodman. Well, look, Gabe's going
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to be back on Sunday. He called. His
father's appendectomy went fine.
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He's already complaining about the
scrambled eggs and jello.
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Oh, well, you see, there's a reason why
hospitals only serve soft food. Oh?
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so that when you throw it out the
window, it don't hurt nobody.
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Mrs. Carter, how come they took out his
appendix? I mean, couldn't they just put
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a cast on it?
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Hey, what is this here you're eating?
This lettuce and carrots and cottage
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cheese?
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That's rabbit food.
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Well, it gave the way I don't cook much.
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See that? She don't know how to take
care of herself. That food is terrible.
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I'm going to go out and get you and the
babies an anchovy pizza.
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Vinnie, babies don't eat anchovy pizzas.
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Well, how about a mushroom one?
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Hey, Mr. Carter, better than that. You
get the babies half pepperoni, half
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pablo. No problem.
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See you later, Mr. Carter.
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We'll be back.
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Mrs.
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Carter's got a male visitor, the weirdo.
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cottage cheese on your upper lip.
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Mr. Woodman, how sweet. Did you come all
the way across town just to tell me
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that?
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Oh, no. How did I know you'd be eating
cottage cheese?
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Can I come in?
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Sure. Make yourself at home.
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Julie, I'm sitting on a time bomb.
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Sit on the couch. It's more comfortable.
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I've written a novel.
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It's a behind -the -scenes account of
the day -to -day struggles of a great
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administrator.
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The Swamp Rats of Savannah?
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It says it all, doesn't it?
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It takes place during the Civil War at
Applegate Hall, the finest private boys'
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school in the South.
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Oh, I see. You wrote about Buchanan.
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Shh.
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If anyone knows I'm doing this
sensational expose, they'll try to stop
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it's published.
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Now, forget Buchanan.
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Think Applegate.
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Anyway, there are these four
incorrigible, disgusting lads.
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The sweat hogs. No, no, the swamp rats.
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No relation to the sweat hogs. No, no,
these boys are rich. I mean, they're
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dropping in money, even though it's
Confederate.
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Now, the teacher is a deserter from the
army who grows a mustache to hide his
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identity.
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You made Gabe a deserter?
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It has nothing to do with Gabe. The
teacher's name is Gabe Lloyd Teasdale.
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He's a yellow -bellied turncoat.
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I take it he's not the hero.
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Of course not. The hero is the
headmaster, Beauregard Rabadon.
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I call him the silver -haired fox.
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You get it? Silver, gray, confederate.
It all ties together, you see.
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Mr. Woodman, do you really think that a
book about a southern boy's... is going
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to sell?
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Well, do you think I care if it sells?
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I mean, this is art, Julie.
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This was a story that was burning inside
of me and had to get out.
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All right, Mr. Woodman.
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It's out.
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It's out.
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Calm down.
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Okay, now, what do you want me to do?
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Well, I'd like you to read it. I need an
honest opinion.
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Okay. I would be glad to read it.
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Do it.
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You want me to read it now?
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I've got to get your reaction to Border
Guard Robin now.
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You see, it comes in on page four. I may
have to bring him in earlier.
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Would you read it? Go ahead.
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Okay, now, what page four?
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Page four.
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Okay.
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Dawn came over the delta.
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The amber rays of the morning sun
fingered their way past the cottonwoods
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into the swamp.
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There to silence the lament of the
loons.
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I love loons.
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Songbirds of the swamp.
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Go ahead, read.
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The fat frogs threw off their mantle of
sleep and began plop
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-plopping into the brackish water.
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Remember that brackish water? I do a
playback on that at the end.
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Now, you see, Julie Lou... Julie Lou.
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Julie Lou.
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She's the beautiful young wife of the
teacher deserter.
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Oh, I see. And she runs off with the
silver -haired fox.
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I know she tries to, but Beauregard
Ravenel is not the kind of person that
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run away with another man's wife.
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What a guy. He sends her back to the
deserter.
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Here, let me read this.
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Look at this.
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As the brackish water.
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Uh -huh, brackish water.
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Licked at Julie Lou's heels, she etched
her suicide message.
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into the quicksand with a cottonwood
branch.
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Beauregard, Beauregard, Beauregard, I
love you, I love you, I love you.
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Goodbye.
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Goodbye.
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Goodbye.
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She dies.
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Well, we find out in the sequel that her
hoop skirt snags on a jutting roof.
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ever think about getting a couple of
Doberman pinchers for occasions like
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Oh, Mr. Woodman.
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Are you still here?
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Don't you have to bring your pet spider
to obedience class?
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Yeah, for sure.
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Mr. Woodman just came over to show me
his novel.
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Oh, yeah?
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Let's see. Let's check it out.
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Hey.
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Swamp Rats of Savannah.
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What's in this book?
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Billy called his drinking buddies?
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Hey, let me see, let me see, let me see.
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Hey!
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I did not.
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Check it out. Look at it. Look, look,
look.
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All of this is inside this book. Look.
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There's Warpstein.
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They got Thorchak.
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They got Baltimore.
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Baltimore.
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That's close to Washington.
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All right, so it is based loosely on
you.
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Yeah, but that don't give you the right
to smell the worst, all of them. face.
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I'm a writer.
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I write like I see it. Yeah, but Mr.
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Whitman, you got us here challenging the
church choir to a rumble.
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I mean, we don't do stuff like that. I
mean, we never hurt nobody.
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Oh, yeah? Read chapter six, where the
swamp rats set fire to every cotton
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in the county.
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For three months, Robert E. Lee and his
men couldn't find Q -tips.
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If they wanted cotton, all they had to
do was open their aspirin bottles.
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At least he didn't blame the Civil War
on you. Oh, yes, he do. Check it out
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right here.
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Right here in Chapter 8, it says, we
fired on Fort Sumter. We can't let him
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that to us.
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We won't.
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Gentlemen, Woodman wants war, and war it
is.
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Right.
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to the substitute, I'm taking over. What
would do that with so bad?
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Yesterday afternoon in the cafeteria,
strapping trays to his feet.
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And making him stamp the lumps out of
the mashed potato.
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Yeah, all that worked for nothing.
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Turned out the lumps was in the gravy.
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How'd you like a little protest here?
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Yeah. I loved it.
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We authors thrive on controversy.
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Good for sales.
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Let me tell you something, Mr. Woodman.
The whole school is behind us. Yeah!
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I mean, everywhere you go, you're going
to be badgered.
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bricks that would fall into my window.
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Mr. Woodman, you better not make light
of this.
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That book of yours is an insult to the
sweat hog.
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It is a gross distortion of the truth.
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Truth?
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What is truth?
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Vincent, don't start.
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It's true. I've been thinking about it
lately a lot. I think, what is the
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I went out with Dolores.
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To the driver, right?
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And I said to her, I said, I said,
Dolores, what is the truth? And she
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Vinnie, go get me some French fries.
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I said, okay, but answer me one thing.
What is the truth?
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She said, never mind. I'll go get the
French fries.
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You know what?
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I think maybe I'm too deep for her.
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You know, Barbarino, I've met cabbage
deeper than you.
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Where does that man go at night?
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You want to know the truth?
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Read Swamp Rats of Savannah.
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It's filled with a profound
understanding of human nature.
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Oh, profound understanding, I see.
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Like in that scene at the office's ball.
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A perfectly happy married woman falls in
love with a complete stranger.
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And then, in front of a crowd of 300
guests...
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She drops to her knees and she licks his
boots.
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And all this after only having one
minuet.
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So, Beauregard's a great dancer.
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The secret's in the dip.
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That Beauregard, that Beauregard story
is so stupid.
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00:14:03,870 --> 00:14:08,950
I mean, remember that part when he
asked, he says, Julie Lou, Would you
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00:14:08,950 --> 00:14:10,050
this minuet with me?
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How do I know you're not a Yankee spy?
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00:14:22,410 --> 00:14:23,490
But my damn.
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I am a southern gentleman. You can tell
by the way I tore off the union labels
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from my clothes.
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My, my, you do dance divinely.
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Oh, I bet you say that to everybody.
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No.
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00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:52,760
No, just the men.
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00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:04,760
Why, poor God, I do believe they're
staring.
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00:15:07,630 --> 00:15:10,690
at the staring is because they've never
seen such beauty.
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00:15:14,630 --> 00:15:16,210
You flatter me.
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00:15:17,570 --> 00:15:19,590
I was talking about myself.
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with a moustache?
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00:15:40,710 --> 00:15:43,050
Oh, no, because I hate women with
moustaches.
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I don't believe I'll go throw myself in
the swamp.
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00:15:50,830 --> 00:15:52,150
Don't wait up for me.
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00:16:00,850 --> 00:16:04,150
If that was for my benefit, it was
disgusting.
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00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:07,320
Good. So is your book.
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00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:12,760
Well, I'm not changing a word. It's pure
gold.
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00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:20,120
Gentlemen, the time has come to put down
our swords and
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00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:21,120
pick...
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00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:51,160
No, they can't come to the phone.
They're busy setting their hair.
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00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:54,180
I'm glad your father's okay.
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00:16:54,620 --> 00:16:56,640
Yeah, I love you, too. I'll see you
Sunday. Bye -bye.
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00:17:21,260 --> 00:17:22,260
we've had here this week.
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We've written a novel.
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Yeah. What do I look like? Random house?
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00:17:28,020 --> 00:17:29,820
Come on, you gotta check it out. Listen,
it's incredible.
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00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:34,840
It's sensational expose. The school
newspaper's gonna print the first chap
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00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:35,840
Friday. Yeah.
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00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,240
I hope it's not another Civil War epic.
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00:17:38,460 --> 00:17:44,580
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's
called... The Space Hogs.
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00:18:02,860 --> 00:18:07,620
of the morning cosmos, silence the
lament of the space loon.
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00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,220
How do you like it so far?
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00:18:10,940 --> 00:18:12,600
Let me put it to you this way.
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00:18:13,380 --> 00:18:18,660
If you guys have a Julie Liu doing the
backstroke through brackish waters, I've
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00:18:18,660 --> 00:18:19,439
read it.
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00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:20,440
That's impossible.
251
00:18:20,460 --> 00:18:21,460
We just wrote it.
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00:18:22,180 --> 00:18:24,660
Now, where do you get to the end in
here? Oh, yeah, yeah, the end. That's
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00:18:24,660 --> 00:18:27,740
best part. You see, that's when the
space hogs do battle with the evil vice
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00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:28,740
tyrant.
255
00:18:37,620 --> 00:18:44,480
Demento. One day, news of
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00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:48,460
Demento's evil reaches the antennae
of...
257
00:19:26,510 --> 00:19:28,630
The mighty space hogs burst.
258
00:19:30,410 --> 00:19:31,410
Burst.
259
00:19:35,010 --> 00:19:36,650
Cork it, you space hogs.
260
00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:39,650
Your corking days are over.
261
00:19:40,410 --> 00:19:43,530
Shouted the space hogs as they zapped
him with their sweat gun.
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00:19:43,810 --> 00:19:44,810
Zapped.
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00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:14,120
pile of gray -haired yogurt.
264
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:22,180
Until chapter two, when he returned as a
bowl of rice
265
00:20:22,180 --> 00:20:23,180
pudding.
266
00:20:24,060 --> 00:20:26,740
What did you think, Mrs. Carr? It was
too deep, huh?
267
00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:29,700
It was too reality, right?
268
00:20:30,060 --> 00:20:31,980
You had me until the rice pudding.
269
00:20:32,980 --> 00:20:36,360
Oh, I knew you should have made a
tapioca. You should have listened to me.
270
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:38,160
I get it.
271
00:20:51,570 --> 00:20:54,970
slander. Mr. Woodman, I am not taking
any more submissions this week.
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00:20:56,510 --> 00:20:58,190
How dare you call me Demento?
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00:20:58,910 --> 00:20:59,970
This is all lies.
274
00:21:00,790 --> 00:21:03,110
I never took a meteorite shower with an
android.
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00:21:04,630 --> 00:21:07,790
Well, Mr. Woodman, we ain't never burned
no cotton fields and we ain't never
276
00:21:07,790 --> 00:21:11,790
fired on Fort Sumter. But you got me
hijacking all the gravity in the
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00:21:11,790 --> 00:21:13,150
and holding it for ransom.
278
00:21:14,310 --> 00:21:18,590
Will you have us challenging the church
choir to a rumble?
279
00:21:24,810 --> 00:21:26,790
has really gone far enough now, okay?
280
00:21:27,490 --> 00:21:28,990
You know something, guys?
281
00:21:29,710 --> 00:21:33,390
This reminds me of a joke that Gabe once
told me.
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00:21:33,830 --> 00:21:36,890
Now, this is a real funny joke. You're
going to love this.
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00:21:37,150 --> 00:21:42,430
There were these two guys, and they were
bragging about this fishing that they
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00:21:42,430 --> 00:21:47,190
did. And the one guy says to the other
guy, I caught a goldfish that was 400
285
00:21:47,190 --> 00:21:53,910
pounds. And the other guy says, I caught
a lantern dated 1492
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00:21:53,910 --> 00:21:59,430
with the light. still burning so the one
guy says to the other i tell you what
287
00:21:59,430 --> 00:22:03,870
i'll knock off a hundred pounds if you
blow out the light
288
00:22:03,870 --> 00:22:08,030
it has a point
289
00:22:08,030 --> 00:22:14,950
well
290
00:22:14,950 --> 00:22:21,130
maybe i did exaggerate a little maybe
you wouldn't burn every cotton field in
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00:22:21,130 --> 00:22:22,130
the county
292
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:25,380
Mr. Woodman just knocked off his hundred
pounds. Now, come on.
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00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:29,060
All right, so maybe you're not the kind
of guy that would take a shower with an
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00:22:29,060 --> 00:22:30,060
android.
295
00:22:31,940 --> 00:22:34,720
Well, I want to show the man a little
good faith there, Freddy.
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00:22:36,700 --> 00:22:37,700
Okay, Mr. Woodman.
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00:22:38,460 --> 00:22:39,460
You got it.
298
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:41,600
Oh.
299
00:22:44,660 --> 00:22:49,460
This is three years' hard work. How can
I just tear it up?
300
00:22:50,110 --> 00:22:54,810
Mr. Woodman, you don't have to tear it
up. Just rewrite it a little.
301
00:22:55,050 --> 00:22:57,770
Yeah, just talk about our other side.
302
00:22:58,050 --> 00:23:04,970
How we're kind and generous and how we
always help an
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00:23:04,970 --> 00:23:07,910
underprivileged wino crawl across the
street.
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00:23:09,590 --> 00:23:11,130
But I never see that side.
305
00:23:11,550 --> 00:23:13,070
Well, give us a chance to show you.
306
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:15,620
Yeah. Yeah. All right, sit down over
here. Come on.
307
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:22,640
Now, do you remember the part when the
character of Claude Barino, when he gets
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00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:24,960
the worst on his face, remember that? Of
course.
309
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:26,180
It's a literary delight.
310
00:23:27,260 --> 00:23:29,660
No, I think it should be pizza in the
face.
311
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:31,260
What are you talking about?
312
00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:32,459
Now, get your pen.
313
00:23:32,460 --> 00:23:35,080
They wouldn't serve pizza at Applegate
Hall.
314
00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:37,180
Well, it's a start.
315
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:41,940
I think we need more walks.
316
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:55,240
You know, when you were away, honey,
Robin demanded a crib with a better
317
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:57,800
I knew we should have rented the
penthouse suite.
318
00:23:58,780 --> 00:24:00,560
I'm glad everything's okay with your
dad.
319
00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:03,300
Oh, yeah, my mother was kind of worried
for a second.
320
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:06,840
She kept saying, Gabe, I don't know what
I'll do without your father.
321
00:24:07,100 --> 00:24:09,080
I mean, I couldn't live without your
father.
322
00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:11,720
Unless, of course, it was in the south
of France.
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00:24:28,580 --> 00:24:30,020
Welcome back.
324
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:34,120
Your dreams were your ticket out.
325
00:24:35,100 --> 00:24:41,020
Welcome back to that same old place that
you laughed about.
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00:24:41,860 --> 00:24:45,520
Well, the names have all changed since
you hung around.
327
00:24:46,180 --> 00:24:50,000
But those dreams have remained and
they've turned around.
328
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:55,880
Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd
have thought they'd lead ya? Back here
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00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:57,400
where we need ya.
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00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:06,580
Welcome back. Welcome back.
26275
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