All language subtitles for welcome_back_kotter_s02e17_chicken_a_la_kotter

Julie, did I ever tell you about my
uncle, Socrates Cotter?

No, but I have a feeling you will. Yes,
in fact, I'm going to do it right now.

My uncle, Socrates Cotter, came from his
neighborhood in Chicago, where it was a

fashion to name all their kids after
famous Greeks.

In fact, his best friend's name was
Euripides Feldman.

Euripides Feldman.

That was the guy's name, and they were
bosom buddies. They went everywhere

together, but you know, they grew up,
they separated, and they hadn't seen

other for about 20 years.

Now, my uncle Socrates opened up this
tailor store in Chicago, and one day,

guy walks in, he's got a pair of pants
with him, and he looks exactly like

Euripides Feldman who hasn't seen for 20
years.

And my uncle throws up his hands.

He says, Euripides!

And the guy hands him the pair of pants
and says, yeah, Euripides!

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that
you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since
you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and
they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd
have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Yeah, we teased him a lot, cause we got
him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome
back.

Well, it's a little thing they call
abscess.

One of your teeth is abscessed? No,
three.

It's an epidemic.

They must be giving it to each other.

Honey, what are you going to do?

Well, I have three choices.

I can have root canal done for $1 ,200.

I can have them all pulled for $50.

I can go down to Mr.

Schmieler's super, tell him his wife
looks like an old potato and have them

knocked out for free.

about money?

Ask me what I'm doing with these
envelopes. You became pen pals with

No, I get five dollars for every
thousand I stuff.

What are you stuffing in there?

These are samples of polyester leisure
suits.

You might not believe this, but you can
wash that 100 times and it will look

exactly like this.

Amazing. That's because it looks like
it's been washed a hundred times.

Right.

Why don't you just call one of those
finance companies?

Are you kidding? The kind that
advertises on television with those

from people? Yeah.

I need it alone.

A friend recommended Bondage Finance.

It was so simple, I couldn't believe it.

I just picked up the phone and dialed
the words, pay up.

Gabe, why don't you just... call and see
if you are qualified.

Go ahead.

I don't believe I'm doing this. You want
me to call? Alright, I'll call. I never

did anything like this before in my
life.

Hello? Yeah, just a second.

It worked. I'll pay up. There's a guy on
the phone.

Yes, I'd like to find out about getting
a $1 ,200 loan for my teeth.

He's transferring me to the guy in
charge of teeth.

Yes, I'd like to find out about... I
need $1 ,200.

I'm a teacher.

Ask him if you qualify. Go ahead.

I will as soon as he stops laughing, all
right?

Yes.

My assets? Well, I'm a fun guy, and... I
got a good sense of humor,

and I'm easy to dance to.

Listen, if I borrow $1 ,200, how much
would I have to pay every month?

$110 a month for a year, and what?

Firstborn son?

All right, well, we'll let you know. Bye
-bye.

Well, now what?

Well, I just don't think that's too hot
a place. I mean, what kind of company

has a slogan, we'll give you a piece of
the rock through your window?

Barbarino. Boy, that sounds familiar.

I know it like I know my own name, you
know?

Excuse me, Mr. Carter.

How come you are talking without moving
your mouth?

I am really a ventriloquist, and my
dummy just phoned in sick.

Oh, George.

Mr. Carter.

You okay?

I just had a problem with my teeth.

Oh, yeah?

What's the other guy look like?

I wasn't in a fight, Epstein.

I had to get my teeth fixed. Otherwise,
I would have to learn to like Jell -O.

Now all I have to do is come up with the
money to pay for it.

Come on, Mr. Carter. There's lots of
ways to make extra money.

Hey, I understand that the Marines are
looking for a few good men.

Please don't anybody tell them where I
am.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

You lay a little of your bread on me,
and I'll invest it for you in my phony

note business.

It's my big season coming up, midterms.

And if I could offer a note with your
signature... Gonzo, we go true to

I can see it. We can go national.

MC's note business.

When you care enough to forge the very
best.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I like it. I like it. I
like it. Sit down, Epstein.

Okay, I got a better idea, right?

You hold the raffle for all the girls,
right?

And the winner gets to go out on a date
with me.

What does the loser get, two dates?

Mr. Carter, there is nothing in the
whole wide world...

that I wouldn't do for you.

If you like, I will even sell my body to
medical services.

Thank you, Aunt, but that's not
necessary.

Well, then how about if I sell some of
the parts I don't use?

Yeah, like your head.

All right, see you tomorrow.

Catch you later.

Bye -bye.

Be brave.

Little buckaroo.

Help wanted. Car wash employee.

Must enjoy standing in water.

Wanted. First rider.

Should not mind riding alone.

Sort of.

You're not thinking of moonlighting, are
you, Carter?

Principal Lazarus Brown's on that.

The teacher's salary is quite sufficient
for his needs.

Oh, sure, Mr. Woodman, unless the
teacher wants to indulge in certain

like chewing.

Take those marbles out of your mouth,
Carter.

I can't. Three of my marbles are having
root canal.

Well, I'm lucky. I have no trouble with
my teach, unless they fall out of the

glass where I keep them at night.

Mr. Woodman, I don't understand. You
don't make much more than I do. How do

make ends meet?

My ends have never met, Carter.

That's why I look the way I do.

Look at me, Carter.

This is what you're going to look like
in 30 years.

Please, Mr. Woolman, I'm in enough pain
today.

I just don't know what to do. By the
time I get my check, I barely have

for necessities. I mean, forget about
things like fun.

Fun, Carter?

I'll tell you about fun.

There's more to life than fun.

There's hard work.

sacrifice, and revenge.

A very sick man.

Wall -headed man wanted for TV
commercial.

Must enjoy getting head shined with
steel wool.

No weirdos, please.

Mr. Carter, we was talking about it and
we'd really like to help you.

Yeah, we don't like seeing you in pain.

Unless, of course, we cause it.

Anyway, we pooled all our money together
and all our savings.

We got $5 .72.

Yep.

And... Chicken.

Ain't much, but it's a start, man.

Hey, thanks a lot, guys.

But I don't think I'm going to need it.

Listen to this.

Opening for a telly man with sense of
humor, experience...

in public relations.

What do you think?

Don't give up your day job.

That's the case.

Stay mellow, fellow. Talk to you later.

Hey, you forgot your flyers and your
chiclet.

with a restaurant firm.

Now, I only need to have it for a couple
of more weeks. This is just stuff I

need for the job.

It's not bad enough you're having an
affair, but you're flaunting it.

I mean, I know that I'm from Nebraska,
and maybe, maybe I am a little square.

But a suitcase?

What is she, some sort of stranger?

What do you need the suitcase for, Dean?

Well, you want to know what's in it?

Batteries and an electric wetsuit.

Well, where did you meet her, General
Electric Freakout?

Julie, I was only kidding.

I bet I know. It's that strange hygiene
teacher from school.

You know, I know something about her
that you don't know.

She goes on consciousness -raising
weekends to the Catskills, where all

for three nights and two days is play
golf in their underwear.

I'm not having an affair.

I've got to go to work.

See you later.

Gabe, what's in the suitcase?

All right, I was trying to spare you
this, but you want to know what's in the

suitcase here?

Tell me I didn't see what I just saw.

You satisfied?

Honey, I would rather you were having an
affair.

Good

evening,

ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the
grand opening of Mr.

Chicken No. 17.

And yes, now is the time you have all
been waiting for.

As advertised, and as is the practice of
every Mr.

Chicken's grand opening, we have a visit
from that merry clucker himself, that

deep, fat -fried sucker with the pluck
-pluck pucker just for you. Here he is,

Captain Chicken!

and we'll make the opening speech and
we'll personally wait on you at your

tables.

Listen, can we wait a little bit because
there's not many people here. I'd like,

you know, more people. Hey, look, I
don't care how many people are here. You

out and do that speech or you'll be
looking at a fat beak.

Come on, make with the cluck -cluck.

Why don't you go out there and cluck
yourself?

Get out there, turkey.

Katie!

gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to
the opening of Mr. Chicken number 70.

Captain Chicken's here to personally
greet all of you. And remember, we have

game surprises, like the person who can
guess how many wishbones are in this

little fishbowl here can win a free
dinner.

This

is ridiculous,

not even paying attention to me. Hey,
look, fella, what do you do? I mean, for

living.

I'm a teacher.

Beautiful. They sent me another teacher.

You know, you guys are all alike. I bet
you think you're too good to dress up

like a chicken and go out there and
cluck for people, don't you?

Of course I do.

Well, let me tell you something,
teacher.

I never went to no college.

I worked six years in this business
before I got to wear a suit without

feathers.

I was around during the tough years.

I've worked turkey joints during a
cranberry scam.

I've worked under the name of Dickie
Drumstick in those days.

Now, get on out there.

Look, at the other openings, there was
more people. Kids, kids like this. You

know, can we wait till we get some kids
there? I mean, look at those two people.

I'm laying an egg.

That might be a nice touch.

Go on.

Here, here, some more people.

This place must have good... Because I
saw Carter

in here earlier today. Yeah, yeah

time job and uh this is what i could get
and this is what i have to wear how do

you get home do you take a subway or fly
hey we can't afford to buy

anything so if you don't mind we'll just
lick your fingers all right come on cut

it out enough's enough excuse me mr
carter i hope i'm not getting too

but are you regular barbecued or extra
crunchy

Get your giblets in and up, bro.

Let's leave my giblets out of this.

Sit down.

You guys want something?

Yeah, yeah. I have a couple of wings.

Give me the regular dinner.

I'll have a leg and a thigh.

What about you, Arnold?

What?

It is? Oh, yeah, it is. It's my
birthday. It's Arnold's birthday? We all

in. Oh, yeah. Hey, 86, that last order.

Okay, we're going to buy Arnold the
Glutton's Gorge.

Yeah, all right.

You sure you want the Glutton's Gorge?

Mm -hmm.

One Glutton's Gorge.

Now you're cooking with gas, teacher.

450, Captain Chicken.

Can't be.

If it sounds like it, I'm going to come.

Yes.

Hi.

What are you doing here? And in that
costume?

Well, my dog suit was in the cleaners.

What was that number you guessed?

450. Do I get a free dinner?

No, I'm sorry. You're a few bones shy.

Oh, look at this.

I see the other barnyard creatures are
here.

place opens in the neighborhood and
they're already in here lowering the

property values.

What can I get for you, Mr. Woodman?

A dinner platter to go.

One dinner platter to go.

Mr. Woodman, I'm a little surprised.
What are you doing eating a cheap

joint like this?

Carter, I know every cheap restaurant in
this neighborhood.

With the diner down the corner, they
give me a special on a 39 -cent

if I sit in the wobbly stool.

Maybe you sit on the floor. They
wouldn't charge you anything.

Here you go, Mr. Woodman.

Look at you.

Dressed like a chicken.

Watch out for the roosters on your way
home.

The roosters!

All right, here you go. Do your stuff.

I know these guys. Can we skip it just
for now? I don't know if you know these

guys. The company policy at openings is
whoever orders the Glutton's Gorge gets

the full treatment from Captain Chicken.

Now do it. I know it's Captain Bars. I
want to see the feathers fly.

You're not a nice guy.

Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your
attention?

Somebody has ordered the Glutton's
Gorge. He gets the special treatment

Captain...

I have ever seen.

Thank you.

All right, guys, look, in this place,
you got to pay before you serve. Oh,

Hey, Mr.

Carter, you know, you've been a good
sport.

Yeah, he's all right, man. He was only
goofing on you, you know? Yeah, yeah.

Hey, wait a minute, Mr. Carter. Wait a
minute.

Mr. Carter, why'd you take this job?

Well, there's two things that I enjoy in
life.

Teaching sweat hogs and chewing.

So...

I could get another job doing the day,
but this was the only job I could get at

night.

So I came down here and I caught a few
ranks from you guys.

Look, there are people in this world
that are worse off than I am.

Oh, I know.

There's a man down the block in the hot
dog stand who's dressed like a weenie.

Because I don't like the looks of these
guys. They look like delinquents to me.

Get them out of here.

Hey, wait a second. These guys just
happen to be my students, all right? And

they're also my friends.

That's right, sir.

And this man here in this ridiculous
chicken outfit is not really a chicken.

Yeah, thank you, ma 'am. No chicken
could last a day with us.

That's right. It's 100 % man instead of
stupid tooth.

So up your gizzard with a rubber lizard.

Let me tell you something, Carter. You
don't have much of a future in the

chicken business.

You know something? I think you're
right.

I mean, there's some guys who can do it
and some guys who can't. You don't even

deserve to wear that beak.

All right, well, I'll tell you what I'm
going to do. I'm going to turn my beak

in. I'll go home and I'll stuff
envelopes with my wife.

Doesn't pay as much, but at least I
don't have to dress up.

I'll return the rest of this outfit to
the main office.

Come on, guys, let's get out of here.

Yo, uh, Mr. Cartier, um, we didn't eat
our glutton's gold. Yeah, look at all

that chicken.

We say we get some Chinese food. Come
on. Yeah Honey

what

do you know you slept with your mouth
open last night?

No, but if you hum a few bars... You're
a funny lady.

But don't sleep with your mouth open,
because you know what happened to my

Sophie? No, what?

Well, one night she was sleeping with
her mouth open, and a mouse runs in her

mouth. You're kidding.

My Uncle Earl, he got so excited, he
called the doctor. He said, Doctor, Mr.

.D., you gotta help me.

A mouse ran in my wife's mouth.

Doctor said, we gotta wave a piece of
cheese in front of her mouth. Get the

mouse out, wave a piece of cheese, and
I'll be right over.

Smart. He was smart, the doctor. Yes,
smart. So he takes a car, and he runs

there, and he gets there fast, and he
knocks on the door, and he walks in, and

my Uncle Earl is waving a fish in front
of my Aunt Sophie's mouth.

Why was he doing that?

That's what the doctor said. Why are you
doing that? I said, a piece of cheese.

My Uncle Earl says, I know, but I got to
get the cat out.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that
you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since
you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and
they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd
have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Well, we need you.

Yeah, we tease him a lot. Cause we got
him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome
back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome
back.

We all went to spot a friend.