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Gabe, this is ridiculous. These kids are
in and out of this apartment day and
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night.
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We don't have any private life anymore.
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I really think that we should talk about
it.
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I'm all ears.
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Here's an ear, and here's another ear.
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Gabe, be serious.
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Wherever we are, there's a little sweat
hog between us.
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Okay, all those who support the
candidacy of our present leader, Mr.
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Barbarino, raise your hand.
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It's a tie.
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Somebody did not... Epstein!
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It's up to you, man.
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Who's the new leader of the Sweat Hogs?
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Washington!
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You tried. Go on. Try and do without me,
all right?
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00:00:50,140 --> 00:00:51,340
I'm dropping out of school.
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Vinnie Barbarino is coming here.
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Look, Julie, his father threw him out of
the house. I mean, he came to me. What
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was I going to do?
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Goodbye, Mr.
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Cotter.
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We now continue with part two of our
song.
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Welcome back.
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Your dreams were your ticket out.
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Welcome back to that same old place that
you laughed about.
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Well, the names have all changed since
you hung around.
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But those dreams have remained and
they've turned around.
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Who'd have thought they'd lead ya?
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Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back
here where we need ya. Back here where
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we need ya. We tease him a lot cause we
got him on the spot.
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Welcome back.
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Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome
back.
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If he's knocking on the window, Julie,
I'll go back to sleep.
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Yeah, honey.
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Wow, his exercises are really working.
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You know what, Julie?
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I know that.
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I'll answer the window.
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Epstein, what's he doing here?
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I don't know, but I'm going to find out.
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7 .30 in the morning.
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00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:06,400
Epstein, what are you doing here at 7
.30 in the morning?
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Oh, I came by for breakfast.
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This place was highly recommended.
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They want breakfast?
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I'll give them breakfast.
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There. There's your breakfast.
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Dry cereal?
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So where's the milk?
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Barbarino! Hey, I thought you said we
had reservations.
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And if his father doesn't take him back
in the house, we're both going to wind
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up at the funny farm.
54
00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:17,720
Oh?
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And where is Mrs. Carter?
56
00:04:22,860 --> 00:04:26,480
I do not hear the crackle of farm fresh
country eggs.
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Cool it, turkey.
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00:04:30,900 --> 00:04:32,060
Mrs. Carter split.
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00:04:43,850 --> 00:04:45,050
She took a powder, huh?
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00:04:46,690 --> 00:04:51,150
Yes, she did. Right after she told me I
spend too much time with my students.
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That's ridiculous.
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00:04:54,850 --> 00:04:58,510
We haven't seen you since we walked you
home from school yesterday.
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00:05:00,390 --> 00:05:06,330
Well, I ain't gonna stay in the same
room with my ex -friends, Benedict and
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Arnold.
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00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:15,140
you guys to know that there are some
teachers who only see their students in
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school.
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00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,480
Julie was right. I'm calling her right
now and telling her that.
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00:05:22,900 --> 00:05:24,360
Don't you guys have something to do?
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00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:25,680
No.
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00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:30,980
Go feed your faces. Go ahead. Get some
food. Oh, hey, yeah. I can taste them
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00:05:30,980 --> 00:05:33,900
waffles. I'm going to make myself some
waffles.
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00:05:36,060 --> 00:05:37,080
How do you make waffles?
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Oh, it's kind of like making pancakes.
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Only got to put little dents in them.
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00:05:46,010 --> 00:05:48,610
Yes, could I have Julie Cotter's room,
please?
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00:05:50,270 --> 00:05:53,050
What do you mean she's not? She has to
be. You're the only hotel in the
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neighborhood.
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00:05:54,410 --> 00:05:56,650
Mr., could you look up Julie Hanson?
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You see, Hanson's my wife's maiden name,
and we're married, and we have a little
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spats. I mean, who cares?
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Just look it up.
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My mother's maiden name is Dingfelder.
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used it. I mean, how would that sound?
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Hello?
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How are you?
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I'm Arnold Dingfeld, a horse.
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Julie.
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Julie, hi, honey. How you doing?
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Okay, what's new?
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You spoke to a lawyer?
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00:06:40,350 --> 00:06:42,770
You spoke to my cousin, Bernie, the
lawyer?
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00:06:43,550 --> 00:06:45,550
Why don't you speak to your own...
cousin Bernie the lawyer.
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00:06:46,690 --> 00:06:48,150
There are no Bernies in Nebraska?
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Julie, what would make my cousin
represent you? Go against his own flesh
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blood.
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You gave him $75.
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00:06:57,250 --> 00:07:00,390
Look, Julie, that's really a stupid
thing to do. You're really acting like a
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00:07:00,390 --> 00:07:02,790
yutch now. You know that? You're a yutch
from Nebraska.
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Hello? Julie?
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Hello?
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00:07:07,250 --> 00:07:08,250
Oh, Mr.
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00:07:08,410 --> 00:07:14,050
Carter, I feel real bad for you. But
always remember, a woman...
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a sometime thing.
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She'll take your heart and give it a
fling.
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00:07:21,220 --> 00:07:26,860
But when true love runs off its course,
then she'll sue you for divorce.
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And yet again... Get out of here!
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Let's go.
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Those punks finally leave. You! What?
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Go to school. And if you're not going to
go to school, go get yourself a job.
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Boy, you sound just like my dad did when
he kicked me out.
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I bet you don't think I could get a job,
do you?
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Well, I'll tell you this.
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You don't need brains to get a job, and
I'm gonna prove it.
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Yeah, Julie Hanson's room, please.
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I'll show her who's boss.
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You gotta be firm with women.
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That's the only thing they understand,
firmness.
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Julie, honey, I'm sorry.
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I didn't mean to... Hey,
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if you think we should separate, if
that's the best thing, let's just get
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together and talk about it. What do we
need lawyers for?
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Okay, why don't you come over here,
baby?
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Right after school, okay?
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3 .30?
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Okay, Julie.
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I'll see you then.
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horse check the awol what are you doing
school's over washington attacks staten
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island
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I want your haircut by morning.
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00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:46,500
Hey, what's with you, Freddy?
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I'm being leader.
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00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:52,260
Yeah? Well, you just led me into wishing
I never voted for you.
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00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:56,240
Yeah, Vinnie didn't always act like the
leader.
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Sometimes he acted like a real person.
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00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,580
Yeah. How about it, huh?
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All right, come on.
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00:10:03,380 --> 00:10:04,660
Let's get right to work. You all right?
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a cocktail.
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00:10:11,150 --> 00:10:12,930
We need a recreation period.
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00:10:28,290 --> 00:10:29,290
Recreation period.
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Class didn't start yet!
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00:10:34,290 --> 00:10:36,450
Let's start with a break before we get
all tired.
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with a little bit of music and some
square dancing.
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00:11:00,140 --> 00:11:06,400
I'm taking this record and mailing it
back to Hee Haw.
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What I say goes.
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And I'd like to say a few things.
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My name is Mr. Carter. I am your teacher
from nine to three at no other time,
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which means coming to my house is a
definite no -no. You people here have
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friction between me and my wife, and I
will not let that happen anymore.
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00:11:31,740 --> 00:11:34,860
From now on, there will be no jokes or
no impressions in this classroom.
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Now turn your books to chapter 47.
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I want a full outline by tomorrow
morning.
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From now on, I will teach, you will
learn.
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00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:57,660
impressionable children.
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00:11:59,460 --> 00:12:04,400
Just because your personal life is
crumbling around your ears.
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whatever you want to talk about.
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00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:54,480
All right.
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00:12:55,020 --> 00:12:58,760
I, uh, I want to talk... First, before
you say anything, there's a question I
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00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:00,640
have to ask you. I mean, I'm just
curious.
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Doesn't really matter anymore.
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Is there another man?
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No. There are four.
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Four? Well, now I know how you spend
your afternoons.
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00:13:20,780 --> 00:13:23,760
sitting and thinking of new ways to
entertain them. Julie, you know what's
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with you? You're jealous.
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00:13:25,300 --> 00:13:29,500
You're so busy envying me my life, you
haven't found time to go out and find a
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life of your own.
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00:13:31,340 --> 00:13:33,360
Gabe, I can't do anything.
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00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:35,700
I'm an anthropology major.
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00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:38,560
Well, dig up the living room.
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00:13:40,980 --> 00:13:43,780
Julie, I don't know what to do. I mean,
I'm so frustrated.
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00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:48,080
If you don't stop feeling sorry for
yourself, I'm going to put my fist
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this table.
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00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,000
You will not.
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00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:39,940
I am here to show you and you how tidy
-dighty cleaner can change your life.
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I do not believe this.
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Will you please go and tidy your dighty
somewhere else?
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Wherever dirt congregates, tidy -dighty
acts like thousands of teeny -weeny dirt
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suckers.
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00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:02,700
This is where I came in. Julie, Julie,
you can't leave again. Now sit down.
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00:15:04,620 --> 00:15:05,700
of you. Come on, sit down.
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00:15:07,460 --> 00:15:08,460
Let's go.
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00:15:10,900 --> 00:15:14,900
Okay, Julie, you said I've changed. I'm
not Gabe anymore. I'm Mr. Cotter.
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00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:16,200
Well, you're right.
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I'm a teacher, and I'm a good teacher.
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00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:21,220
Right now, I am going to teach.
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00:15:21,740 --> 00:15:25,420
Now, you, is this what you're going to
do with the rest of your life, tidy
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00:15:25,420 --> 00:15:26,420
-didies?
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00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:30,760
Vinnie, you were voted out as leader.
You weren't voted out of school.
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00:15:31,460 --> 00:15:33,180
My advice to you is simple.
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00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:34,720
If you're smart, you'll take it.
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00:15:35,460 --> 00:15:36,580
Go back to school.
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00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:40,620
And you, nobody voted you out of this
house.
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00:15:41,300 --> 00:15:44,540
Okay, we have problems, but the only way
to solve them is to solve them
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00:15:44,540 --> 00:15:45,540
together.
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00:15:46,300 --> 00:15:50,520
Julie, I know you're living my life, and
you have to have your own life, but I
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00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:51,740
can't make that happen for you.
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00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:54,040
You have to do that for yourself.
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00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,060
Hey, you can't both leave.
200
00:16:00,940 --> 00:16:02,840
Mr. Carter, I'll think about it.
201
00:16:03,150 --> 00:16:05,710
But in the meantime, I got a lot of
doors to knock on.
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00:16:10,050 --> 00:16:11,450
I'll think about it too, Gabe.
203
00:16:18,730 --> 00:16:20,330
I thought that was a really great
speech.
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00:16:33,580 --> 00:16:35,640
Soon as he starts after lunch, he'll
make the day shorter.
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00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,520
Call off your sweetheart, will you,
Carter? Call him off, please.
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00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:44,800
Washington, take your whistle and blow.
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00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,180
Hey, clean that whistle.
208
00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:57,060
Carter, never repeat what I'm about to
say to you.
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00:16:58,300 --> 00:16:59,820
I miss Barbarina.
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00:17:07,389 --> 00:17:09,710
All right, today we're going to get
right to work.
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00:17:11,410 --> 00:17:13,930
I want to talk about the two -party
system.
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00:17:14,369 --> 00:17:17,970
Now, Epstein, what are the advantages of
the two -party system?
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00:17:18,170 --> 00:17:19,170
Oh, that's an easy one.
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00:17:19,329 --> 00:17:24,950
In the two -party system, you get to go
to two kinds of parties, two kinds of
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00:17:24,950 --> 00:17:29,310
dancing, two kinds of chip dip, and two
kinds of hoping you'll make out.
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00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:39,980
got somebody looking over your shoulder
helps keep you honest now what would
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00:17:39,980 --> 00:17:45,880
happen without that competition you get
a dictator like freddie yes sir no sir
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00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:48,300
anywhere with a can of beer sir
219
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,180
Yeah, a pain in my posterior.
220
00:18:39,620 --> 00:18:42,220
You know, I'm getting the feeling that
none of y 'all don't like me no more.
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00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,020
I just wanted to do a good job, that's
all.
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00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:53,620
Look, it ain't so much that I wanted to
be leader, it's just that... Hey, I
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00:18:53,620 --> 00:18:55,920
never was, and I never will be no
follower.
224
00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:58,740
Hey, Vinnie would understand that.
225
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:01,610
Somebody... Mention my name.
226
00:19:02,790 --> 00:19:03,790
Here,
227
00:19:04,830 --> 00:19:05,830
Mr. Carter, I'm back.
228
00:19:06,030 --> 00:19:07,150
Vinnie's back in town.
229
00:19:07,450 --> 00:19:08,590
Hey, it's official.
230
00:19:08,870 --> 00:19:13,930
I was thinking about what you said, Mr.
Carter.
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00:19:14,950 --> 00:19:17,870
I don't know, I couldn't sell that
tighty -dighty crud, man.
232
00:19:20,430 --> 00:19:23,350
Couldn't even sell it to you. You're the
softest touch in town.
233
00:19:24,370 --> 00:19:26,690
Well, you made the right move, Vinnie.
I'm proud of you.
234
00:19:27,590 --> 00:19:29,770
You're looking very well, Vinnie.
235
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:41,780
Ready. Go on back.
236
00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:45,920
Not that glad.
237
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:48,920
Mr.
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00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:53,580
Carter, I came up with my own idea.
239
00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:58,820
Why do we need a leader at all? I mean,
why can't everybody just take care of
240
00:19:58,820 --> 00:19:59,820
themselves? How's that?
241
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:01,360
Can we do that?
242
00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:05,060
Hey, that's a great idea.
243
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:08,440
I cast my vote for no leader. All right.
I'll take it.
244
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:15,260
Anonymous. Porsche, get me my book.
245
00:20:17,180 --> 00:20:18,180
Okay, Benny.
246
00:20:19,980 --> 00:20:20,980
So here?
247
00:20:22,980 --> 00:20:28,040
All right. I hope you guys don't mind if
we sneak a little school in here today,
248
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:29,920
okay? Mr. Kyle, I got one question.
249
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:34,520
Now that you and your wife are
separated, right, I hope you don't mind
250
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:35,520
asked her out on a date.
251
00:20:44,300 --> 00:20:46,060
Yeah, just a couple of minutes ago in
the hall.
252
00:20:46,260 --> 00:20:48,160
But she said she had to think about it.
253
00:20:52,780 --> 00:20:54,200
Hi. Hi.
254
00:20:56,740 --> 00:20:59,780
Honey, I want to... You go first.
255
00:21:00,140 --> 00:21:01,140
No, you first.
256
00:21:04,620 --> 00:21:05,960
Gabe, I'm so confused.
257
00:21:07,540 --> 00:21:11,820
I know we have problems, but I really
want to work them out.
258
00:21:13,350 --> 00:21:16,030
I was so incredibly lonely without you.
259
00:21:16,750 --> 00:21:20,610
I know what you mean. I mean, I kept
turning to look for you when you weren't
260
00:21:20,610 --> 00:21:21,610
there.
261
00:21:21,890 --> 00:21:23,950
Last night I told the pizza man I loved
him.
262
00:21:29,330 --> 00:21:31,490
I guess we both have to change, huh?
263
00:21:32,270 --> 00:21:36,690
Sure. Change is good. I mean, without
change, there'll be a lot of wet babies.
264
00:21:40,970 --> 00:21:41,969
All right.
265
00:21:41,970 --> 00:21:42,970
No more jokes.
266
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,600
No more jokes with you and no more jokes
in the classroom.
267
00:21:45,820 --> 00:21:47,520
From now on, I am through with jokes.
268
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:52,660
No, your students love your jokes. It's
the way you communicate with them.
269
00:21:53,820 --> 00:21:55,360
I love your jokes, too.
270
00:21:57,580 --> 00:21:58,820
Except there's one thing.
271
00:22:00,300 --> 00:22:02,440
Why can't I tell a joke once in a while?
272
00:22:03,220 --> 00:22:04,940
I can be very funny, you know.
273
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,620
I can, yeah, I know, right.
274
00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:09,840
I can.
275
00:22:09,980 --> 00:22:11,880
Okay, honey, why don't you tell a joke?
276
00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:19,760
Oh. Well, I hadn't really prepared
anything.
277
00:22:22,300 --> 00:22:23,300
I know.
278
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:27,200
Why does the chicken cross the road?
279
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:35,220
Well, I don't know, Gracie. Why does a
chicken cross the road?
280
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:38,800
To keep his pants up.
281
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:48,800
He crosses the road to keep his pants
up.
282
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:51,420
Right. Don't you get it? Wait.
283
00:22:52,380 --> 00:22:54,580
Why does a fireman wear red suspenders?
284
00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:57,100
To get to the other side.
285
00:23:00,500 --> 00:23:04,300
He crosses the road to keep his pants
up. Of course.
286
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:06,380
I think it's time for my number.
287
00:23:07,540 --> 00:23:09,680
Down in the river where the red roses
grow.
288
00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:12,040
Oh, my, don't you know.
289
00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:15,480
Honey, let me do that red rose rag. Say
goodnight, Gracie.
290
00:23:15,850 --> 00:23:16,850
Good night, Gracie.
291
00:23:26,450 --> 00:23:27,450
Julie,
292
00:23:27,910 --> 00:23:31,590
listen. Did I ever tell you about my
Aunt Bertha? No, no, wait, wait, wait.
293
00:23:31,590 --> 00:23:32,930
me tell you about Aunt Bertha.
294
00:23:33,530 --> 00:23:35,890
No, no, no, no. My Aunt Bertha is
funnier.
295
00:23:36,350 --> 00:23:39,230
You've been telling jokes all day. Let
me tell you. No, it's hysterical. It's
296
00:23:39,230 --> 00:23:40,610
hysterical. Wait, you're going to laugh.
297
00:23:40,870 --> 00:23:42,390
You'll see yourself laughing.
298
00:23:43,210 --> 00:23:44,210
Okay? Yes.
299
00:23:45,100 --> 00:23:46,079
Gabe? Yes?
300
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:48,040
Did I ever tell you about my Aunt
Bertha? No.
301
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:49,820
No? What about her?
302
00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:56,400
Aunt Bertha was so fat that when she sat
around the house, she sat
303
00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:58,840
around the house.
304
00:24:12,780 --> 00:24:15,120
Chatter is recorded live before a studio
audience.
305
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:17,880
Welcome back.
306
00:24:18,860 --> 00:24:22,040
Your dreams were your ticket out.
307
00:24:22,980 --> 00:24:28,960
Welcome back to that same old place that
you laughed about.
308
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:33,400
Well, the names have all changed since
you hung around.
309
00:24:34,020 --> 00:24:38,100
But those dreams have remained and
they've turned around.
310
00:24:38,620 --> 00:24:41,140
Who would have thought they'd lead you?
311
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:52,880
Welcome back.
312
00:24:53,500 --> 00:24:55,620
Welcome back.
313
00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:57,160
Welcome back.
314
00:24:57,720 --> 00:25:00,000
Welcome back. Welcome back.
315
00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:02,240
Yeah, we tease him a lot.
316
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:03,440
Welcome back.
317
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:04,559
Welcome back.
318
00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:06,460
Because we got him on the spot.
319
00:25:06,740 --> 00:25:07,740
Welcome back.
24605
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