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A lady buys a monkey.
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What kind of monkey?
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A regular monkey.
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00:00:08,039 --> 00:00:09,040
Now,
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a husband hates the monkey because a
monkey is always mimicking a husband.
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00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:20,140
Okay, a husband's eating breakfast,
right? Monkey goes... He's taking a
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The monkey comes in the bathroom and
goes... Driving the guy crazy.
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And what does he do?
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00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:29,840
Well, he's in the bathroom and he's
brushing his teeth one day, gets an
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He's brushing his teeth.
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Monkey comes in and the monkey goes...
So he gives the monkey a razor. He takes
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a razor without a blade, puts lather on
his face, right? Starts shaving. He
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goes... The monkey goes... He goes...
The monkey goes... He
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goes... The monkey goes... Welcome
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00:00:50,450 --> 00:00:57,290
back, Tatters. We recorded live on tape
before
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studio order.
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00:01:06,079 --> 00:01:07,440
Welcome back.
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00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:11,520
Your dreams were your ticket out.
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Welcome back to that same old place that
you laughed about.
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Well, the names have all changed since
you hung around.
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But those dreams have remained and
they've turned around.
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Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd
have thought they'd lead ya? Back here
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where we need ya. Back here.
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We tease him a lot because we got him on
the spot.
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Welcome back.
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00:01:42,850 --> 00:01:46,750
Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome
back.
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00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:50,790
Welcome back. Welcome back.
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you're probably aware today's the day
when you receive your mid -year report
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cards.
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For my favorite, to chai.
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Ugh.
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Kathy.
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What'd you do, get hungry on the way to
school?
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No, um, I found it that way.
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Hey, I'm only kidding, man. Hey, but
remember, it's the thought...
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00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:45,520
hand these out, I want to explain that
it's still not too late for you to
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improve your grade. So remember...
Carter, I got a very important note from
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00:02:52,140 --> 00:02:53,960
here. Well, a surprise.
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00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:57,760
Epstein has a very important note from
home. It's from my mother's doctor.
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00:02:58,240 --> 00:02:59,780
It's from his mother's doctor.
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00:03:01,820 --> 00:03:07,640
Dear Mr. Carter, Epstein's mother has
been very ill with a heart condition
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and furthermore...
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The slightest shock to her.
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Like, for instance, her son, Juan,
getting any bad grades, well, that could
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her right over the edge.
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So, it continues.
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Please give Juan a good grade in
English.
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What? A good grade in English. Oh,
that's impossible. This is an English
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And it's signed, very truly yours,
Epstein's mother's doctor.
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Sit down, Epstein.
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Sit down.
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00:04:00,910 --> 00:04:02,430
Anybody else have any excuses?
53
00:04:03,070 --> 00:04:04,370
Anybody want to make any appeals?
54
00:04:05,610 --> 00:04:07,490
Anybody expecting a phone call from the
governor?
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I would never beg.
56
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Possibly how to improve it.
57
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:10,800
Any of you would like to know how to
make an F into a B?
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You can see me right at the homeroom.
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Thanks, Mr. Cotton.
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00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:29,040
You just killed my mother.
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It's just that I thought that my report
card was bad until I got a look at
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Vinnie's.
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00:06:26,900 --> 00:06:27,900
Mr.
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00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:33,740
Carter, how can I take this report card
home and show it to my mom?
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That woman's a saint.
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I remember.
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00:06:37,580 --> 00:06:38,580
Your mother's a saint.
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00:06:39,420 --> 00:06:40,520
You're going to be upset, huh?
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00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:45,400
You probably got no idea what it feels
like to get hit with beads.
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00:06:56,170 --> 00:06:58,570
Yeah, that's how you teachers get your
jollies.
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00:07:00,770 --> 00:07:02,070
Well, I don't.
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But I'm not going to pass you unless you
earn it.
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00:07:07,750 --> 00:07:09,170
Look, it wouldn't be fair to you.
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00:07:10,090 --> 00:07:13,270
Suppose all your teachers just passed
you along and you didn't learn anything.
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00:07:13,890 --> 00:07:15,330
What do you think you'd wind up being?
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00:07:15,790 --> 00:07:16,910
A high school graduate.
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00:07:20,350 --> 00:07:22,730
Okay, you tell me. What grade should I
give you?
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00:07:23,410 --> 00:07:25,050
Yeah? Yeah, you tell me.
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00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:35,600
to give me an A.
80
00:07:36,140 --> 00:07:37,140
You want an A, huh?
81
00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:38,820
Okay, you ready? Here it comes.
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A!
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00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:49,260
I got mine.
84
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:52,160
Well, it's the only kind of A you're
gonna get.
85
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,780
Vinnie, you shouldn't be failing. You're
a kid with brains.
86
00:07:55,420 --> 00:07:57,840
Look, man, if you don't get it together,
you're gonna get left back.
87
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:00,200
Now, how would your mother like that?
88
00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:02,440
Oh, no, she wouldn't like that.
89
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:05,620
Vinnie, I want to help you. I just don't
know what to do.
90
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,060
Hey, how about if I got you a tutor?
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00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:10,780
Somebody to work with you after school.
92
00:08:11,300 --> 00:08:13,360
Hey, believe me, it's not going to be
that bad.
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00:08:17,980 --> 00:08:18,980
All right.
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00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:22,040
But is there any way we could do this
without books?
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00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:30,360
Hiya,
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00:08:30,780 --> 00:08:31,619
Judy.
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00:08:31,620 --> 00:08:32,620
Let me have your books.
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00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:36,059
I think it's terrific that you offered
to tutor Vinnie after school.
99
00:08:36,340 --> 00:08:40,659
It's okay, Mr. Carter. A lot of kids in
the academically enriched class do it.
100
00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:43,400
You know, it seems to work better when
kids help kids.
101
00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:50,440
So listen, princess.
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Thanks for welcoming me to class.
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I'll meet you later at the usual place,
behind the billboards on 84th Street.
104
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So, you're going to be my tutor, huh,
Judy?
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Well, start tooting.
106
00:09:22,340 --> 00:09:24,560
I want to get out of here. Have a good
time.
107
00:09:24,820 --> 00:09:27,140
Let's get one thing straight, Barbarino.
108
00:09:27,420 --> 00:09:29,680
I'm not doing this because I like you.
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Well, I see you two are getting along
just fine.
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great, so I'm gonna leave you alone.
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Have fun.
112
00:09:41,710 --> 00:09:43,070
Hey, Vinnie, where you going?
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He said, have fun.
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I'm going to meet Princess behind the
billboard on 84th Street.
115
00:09:51,830 --> 00:09:53,930
No, no, no, no, no. You're gonna get
tooted.
116
00:09:54,290 --> 00:09:56,470
I'm gonna go meet Princess behind the
billboard.
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session, I think I should stay for a
while.
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00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:10,820
All right. Now, open up your social
studies book to page 27.
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What?
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Your social studies book.
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Where?
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Right in front of you.
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Hey, don't rush me.
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This ain't easy for me, you know.
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I never opened the book before.
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All right, Vinnie, now look.
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Are you going to cooperate or what?
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who she's dealing with.
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00:10:55,380 --> 00:10:57,280
I'm the best ranker at Buchanan.
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You think you're so smart.
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00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:03,320
You act as if you were first online when
they handed out brains.
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00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:43,180
Watch yourself, or I'll let the air out
of your dress.
133
00:11:48,060 --> 00:11:51,760
Hey, I heard the last time you went to
Coney Island, you was wearing a white
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00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:52,719
bathing suit.
135
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:56,520
And everybody was saying, hey, there
goes Moby Dick.
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00:11:59,740 --> 00:12:00,740
How's it going, please?
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00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:03,920
Okay, that's enough. Hey, Vinnie, I
heard your father just got a new job.
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00:12:04,420 --> 00:12:07,240
Riding shotgun on a garbage truck.
139
00:12:23,380 --> 00:12:24,820
Yeah, what's the matter?
140
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,860
What's the matter is there's a time and
a place for everything.
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00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:30,100
You shouldn't do things like that in
school.
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It's not right.
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I mean, suppose I came in and I started
doing it to you.
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00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:41,840
I mean, suppose I said, uh... Hey, Judy,
I understand there's three kids in your
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family. One of each.
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face and then they turned you over and
said hey look twins welcome back
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00:12:59,490 --> 00:13:04,150
so
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00:13:04,150 --> 00:13:10,170
look
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00:13:10,170 --> 00:13:16,070
after homeroom i'll meet you and then
i'll walk you to next class okay sure
150
00:13:16,070 --> 00:13:19,710
okay see you later bye
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00:13:53,390 --> 00:13:55,450
with my grades. Oh, come on.
152
00:13:55,970 --> 00:13:58,250
Is that all she's helping you with, huh?
153
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
154
00:14:00,950 --> 00:14:02,490
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
155
00:14:02,790 --> 00:14:04,890
Then why you been walking her to class?
156
00:14:05,170 --> 00:14:08,550
Or should I say rolling her?
157
00:14:14,070 --> 00:14:15,070
Let's go.
158
00:14:15,870 --> 00:14:16,870
Sit down.
159
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:21,050
I want you to take out your report cards
which should have been signed by your
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parents.
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00:14:30,819 --> 00:14:32,720
soggy. My mother cried on it.
162
00:14:34,380 --> 00:14:36,040
Thank you.
163
00:14:37,900 --> 00:14:39,040
Why isn't this signed?
164
00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:42,820
I mean, your mother didn't finish
signing it. All she said was Mrs. E.
165
00:14:42,820 --> 00:14:45,280
that's as far as she got before losing
consciousness.
166
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,560
Well, try reviving it and having her
finish signing it by tomorrow.
167
00:14:51,340 --> 00:14:55,980
Thank you. Thank you, honored.
168
00:15:00,790 --> 00:15:01,790
Report card.
169
00:15:03,050 --> 00:15:04,050
Hi there.
170
00:15:05,450 --> 00:15:06,450
Hi there, buddy.
171
00:15:06,750 --> 00:15:07,469
Hey, baby.
172
00:15:07,470 --> 00:15:08,470
Where's your report card?
173
00:15:08,590 --> 00:15:11,070
Oh, my report card. You see, I don't
happen to have it right here handy.
174
00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:16,390
Oh, let me ask a question then. Where is
it? Oh, I'll wait out.
175
00:15:16,630 --> 00:15:19,010
My mama's got it. You dig? Yeah.
176
00:15:19,370 --> 00:15:20,970
I dig it. Didn't she sign it?
177
00:15:21,510 --> 00:15:22,510
No.
178
00:15:23,610 --> 00:15:27,850
She just took it in her left hand and
then she hit me upside my head with her
179
00:15:27,850 --> 00:15:28,850
right.
180
00:15:31,150 --> 00:15:32,150
she threw a chair at me.
181
00:15:34,430 --> 00:15:36,730
And then she tried to cave my back in
with a TV set.
182
00:15:40,770 --> 00:15:41,770
All right, all right.
183
00:15:42,050 --> 00:15:43,270
How do your father sign it?
184
00:15:44,410 --> 00:15:45,410
You crazy?
185
00:15:45,630 --> 00:15:46,810
He's the one with the bad temper.
186
00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:52,170
I want that report card tomorrow,
Freddie. All right.
187
00:15:52,630 --> 00:15:55,870
You know, these people act like you're
the only ones that ever had to take a
188
00:15:55,870 --> 00:15:57,730
report card home and show it to your
parents.
189
00:15:58,230 --> 00:16:00,450
I want to tell you something. I had a
lot of bad ones in my day.
190
00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:02,620
Yeah? What did your daddy do?
191
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:06,860
My dad used to sit me down and say, so
listen, you got a bad report card, big
192
00:16:06,860 --> 00:16:11,060
deal. No one's gonna holler, we're not
gonna scream, no one's gonna hit you.
193
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:14,640
Just go back to school and you try to do
the best you can.
194
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:19,500
And next time, if you should pass, well,
then we'll untie you and let you eat
195
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:20,500
again.
196
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,019
second, Julie.
197
00:16:41,020 --> 00:16:42,920
I got something I want to tell you.
198
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:44,440
What?
199
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:55,760
Look, I can't walk you to class no more.
200
00:16:56,860 --> 00:16:57,860
Why not?
201
00:16:59,340 --> 00:17:04,400
Well, you see, I got a certain image to
uphold, right?
202
00:17:05,380 --> 00:17:10,770
And like, if I was always walking you to
class all the time, Well, like my
203
00:17:10,770 --> 00:17:13,470
friends. Like they might get the wrong
idea or something.
204
00:17:13,849 --> 00:17:15,589
What wrong idea, Vinnie?
205
00:17:16,349 --> 00:17:19,970
Oh, you know, like we was going together
or something.
206
00:17:20,430 --> 00:17:26,569
Oh, and you wouldn't want your friends
to think that someone like you could
207
00:17:26,569 --> 00:17:29,430
possibly go with someone like me.
208
00:17:29,990 --> 00:17:31,550
Right, right.
209
00:17:34,330 --> 00:17:38,210
Oh, I'm so glad you're being so
reasonable about this.
210
00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:42,840
Oh, but look, you can still keep
tutoring me and stuff. That'd be good.
211
00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:44,440
thanks. Thanks a lot.
212
00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:49,280
And you can go over to the Texaco
station and go sit on an air hose.
213
00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:59,020
She made the same mistake I did.
214
00:17:59,220 --> 00:18:00,340
To try to help you.
215
00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:03,680
She thought there was somebody worth
helping inside that dopey leather
216
00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:05,660
Look, I like Judy.
217
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,200
Oh, sure. You liked her.
218
00:18:08,540 --> 00:18:11,660
Until you decided she wasn't cute enough
to hang around with Steve Stunning.
219
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,840
Vinny, this whole thing started because
I didn't want you to fail social
220
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:18,320
studies. I'll tell you.
221
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:21,920
You're failing something a lot more
important than social studies. You're
222
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:22,920
failing life.
223
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:24,520
So take Judy's advice.
224
00:18:25,340 --> 00:18:26,640
Go sit on an air hose.
225
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:30,620
Now you made me feel bad.
226
00:18:44,110 --> 00:18:45,110
Hi, Judy.
227
00:18:45,330 --> 00:18:46,610
Mind if I sit down?
228
00:18:47,790 --> 00:18:49,810
Oh, get lost, pea brain.
229
00:18:51,470 --> 00:18:53,490
Thanks. Don't mind if I do.
230
00:18:55,430 --> 00:18:58,610
Are you sure you can risk being seen
here with me?
231
00:18:59,770 --> 00:19:00,890
Oh, look, Judy.
232
00:19:01,330 --> 00:19:05,250
What I said in the classroom before, it
didn't come out like a minute.
233
00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:09,650
I mean, I like you, and I really... Oh,
what? You go over to the Brooklyn
234
00:19:09,650 --> 00:19:13,070
Bridge, take a sharp left, and don't
stop walking till your hat...
235
00:19:15,300 --> 00:19:16,300
Listen.
236
00:19:18,500 --> 00:19:20,400
You're not making this any easier.
237
00:19:21,100 --> 00:19:22,460
I'm trying to apologize.
238
00:19:22,700 --> 00:19:23,599
For what?
239
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:24,600
Being a reject?
240
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:28,800
Oh, that's not your fault. You were
probably born that way.
241
00:19:29,060 --> 00:19:30,940
Oh, you got a mouth on you.
242
00:19:45,390 --> 00:19:51,450
What I'm trying to say is would you want
to go out someplace with me in public?
243
00:19:54,830 --> 00:19:57,490
Let me get this straight.
244
00:19:59,150 --> 00:20:02,350
Are you asking me to go out with you,
Vinnie?
245
00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:03,810
Yeah.
246
00:20:04,510 --> 00:20:05,850
Would you go out with me?
19089
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