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Why hasn't your mother ever liked me?
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She likes you, Julie. It's just she
never was crazy about any girls I went
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with. They were either too fat, too
skinny, too short, too tall, too loud,
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00:00:13,700 --> 00:00:14,700
quiet.
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I finally found a girl that was exactly
like my mother. I mean, how could she
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complain? This girl looked like my
mother. She talked like my mother. She
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like my mother. Same personality.
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Well, what happened?
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My father hated her.
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Welcome back, Connors, and recorded live
on tape before studio audience.
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Welcome back.
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Your dreams were your ticket out.
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Welcome back to that same old place that
you laughed about.
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Well, the names have all changed since
you hung around.
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But those dreams have remained and
they've turned around.
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Who'd have thought they'd need ya?
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Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back
here where we need ya. Back here where
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we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot
cause we got him on the spot. Welcome
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Welcome back, welcome back, welcome
back.
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Welcome back, welcome back, welcome
back.
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Hold it right there, mister.
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Me? What have you done with it?
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Hey, Mr. Woodman, I'm clean. I ain't got
it.
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Huh?
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Got what, Epstein?
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Whatever. He ain't got it.
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Hey, look, I'm clean, really. You can
search me here.
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See, this is all I got on me.
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It's my good luck charm.
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Had it since birth. It's the first tooth
I ever knocked out of anybody.
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I'm sick of their taunts.
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I'm sick of their contempt. I'm sick of
their flaunting my authority. I'm sick
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of them!
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No doubt about it. The man is sick.
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Reminds me of the girls' gym teacher
they found in the shower talking to a
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volleyball.
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Hey, yo, Mr.
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Woodman, man, like, you know, the bell
just rang. It's time for us to boogie.
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Well, then boogie, you pack of howling
baboons.
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Boogie.
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Boogie, boogie, boogie.
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Mr. Woodman, are you okay?
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I mean, you didn't have too much chipped
beef in the cafeteria today.
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Forget about the chalk. You don't seem
quite yourself.
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Connor, I'm more myself than ever.
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Well, try being less yourself than ever.
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I mean, Mr. Woodman, a person is like a
car. We have to be finely tuned.
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What are you trying to say, Connor?
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Mr. Woodman, you need a lube job.
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You've got to relax a little bit. You
know, forget about Buchanan.
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Why don't you go out, have a few drinks,
a nice dinner, some quiet conversation
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with friends?
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Good advice, Carter.
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Thank you.
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What time?
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What time what?
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Well, there was a dinner invitation.
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What time shall I be there?
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How about August?
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And we won't laugh.
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I'll bet you hoped I wouldn't come.
That's true, isn't it, Carter? I mean,
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didn't invite me. I invited myself. If
not, I'm here. You'd wish I'd leave,
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right?
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Well,
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it is getting late.
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Mr. Woodman, we are delighted that you
could come.
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Mrs. Carter, don't worry. I'll leave
early.
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Let me take your coat.
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What are you going to do with it?
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I'm just going to hang it right here in
the closet.
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I'll leave the door open so you can keep
an eye on it.
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At all times.
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00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:08,200
Gabe, why don't you make us a drink or
two or six before dinner?
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Good idea.
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Come on, Mr. Woodman, I'll fix your
screwdriver.
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Tighten up what's ever loose.
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of faculty members' homes for dinner
only twice. The first time was during
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War II. They wanted my meat ration
points.
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The second time was just a few years ago
during the tuna fish scare.
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We had tuna casserole, and everyone
waited for me to taste it first.
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What's for dinner?
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Tuna casserole.
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I made a joke.
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So, uh, you actually live here?
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No, here, no. We have a townhouse on
Park Avenue.
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00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:08,660
We just borrowed this place from a
struggling teacher and his wife when we
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wanted to entertain.
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00:06:10,580 --> 00:06:12,080
I had a place like this once.
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Oh? It burned.
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That's too bad, Mr. Woodman.
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00:06:18,700 --> 00:06:20,980
But at least it made it easy for you to
move.
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Who moved?
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I just stayed at the Y till the
furniture cooled.
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That was a joke.
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It was a joke.
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Mr. Woodman made a joke.
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You know, I'm beginning to relax.
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Tell me, Carter, what's troubling you?
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Me?
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You want to know what's troubling me,
Mr. Woodman? Okay, I'm going to tell you
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what's troubling me. You.
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You're troubling me.
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Think I made a fool out of myself in the
hall today, don't you?
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Well, it wasn't me. Well, I did, Carter.
I did.
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00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:03,640
And over what, huh?
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00:07:04,820 --> 00:07:05,820
Chalk.
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Chalk. Meaningless sticks of compressed
dust.
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Dollars worth of nothing.
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Zero.
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difference. You're still going to get
dinner.
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And I'll even taste it first.
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The students like you, you've got
rapport, Carter, but what do they think
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Well, honestly... I really want to know,
Carter.
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Well... I mean, tell me. Go ahead, tell
me.
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Basically... Well, I'll make it easier
for you.
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I'll start. They think I'm ill -tempered
and insensitive and... It's a good
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start.
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Petty and tyrannical.
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Unreasonable. Mean.
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Rotten.
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Rotten.
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00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:11,360
Well, that's it, Carter.
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I don't have to sit here and be insulted
by your wife.
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Mr. Woodman, please, I'm so sorry.
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Please don't go.
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Well, it's, uh, you're right. It's all
true. I am rotten.
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No, no, you're not rotten. I mean, I
would have stopped at Petty and
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All you have to do is loosen up a little
bit. Just stop and smell the roses.
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In Brooklyn?
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00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,500
Well, stop and smell a few winos.
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Look, you have to get back to your first
love, teaching.
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Now, you may have your weaknesses, but,
Julie, this man is one terrific history
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teacher. You really think so?
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The greatest.
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Nobody can teach about military history
like this man right over here.
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00:09:02,460 --> 00:09:05,470
Well, I... I guess there was always
something about a good war that cheered
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up.
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00:09:07,430 --> 00:09:10,790
I was probably seeing all those people
with guns and knowing they're not in
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neighborhood.
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00:09:13,250 --> 00:09:17,030
You know, Gabe's right, Mr. Woodman. You
should get back to teaching.
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Ridiculous. I wouldn't know where to
start. I haven't taught a class in ten
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years. Teach my class tomorrow.
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Oh, I couldn't. I couldn't. Come on.
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They're not going to bite you.
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I have been bitten by sweat hogs on many
occasions.
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They made another joke.
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Another joke? The first one was your
father was a burning and the second was
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bitten by a sweater?
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Two jokes in one evening. All right,
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I have a surprise for everybody today.
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00:09:44,740 --> 00:09:47,340
Mr. Woodman has agreed to teach my
class.
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Him? Him?
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Okay,
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now I'm going right over here to sit
down and I want everybody to think of me
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today as just another sweat hawk.
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Okay, Carter.
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No horseplay.
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Sit up straight.
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I've still got it.
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00:10:10,380 --> 00:10:12,700
All right, now, boys and girls, pick out
your notebooks and pencils.
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00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:15,560
What's the matter with you, Carter? You
can remember everything? You don't have
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to take notes?
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You want me to take notes? Yes. Okay,
right, I'll take notes.
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Porschack.
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Porschack, lend me a pencil.
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00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:24,540
Sorry, no long, V.
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00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:34,520
Mr. Cotter, I am surprised at you.
168
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:40,440
Don't you know that you're supposed to
come to class with two sharpened pencils
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in case one breaks?
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00:10:42,540 --> 00:10:44,040
You sound like my mother.
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00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:48,140
Mr. Cotter, there is no need to get
surly.
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00:10:51,180 --> 00:10:53,660
Well, you know, surly to bed, surly to
rise.
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Today we'll discuss the Revolutionary
War.
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00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:05,740
Now, who can tell me where that war
started?
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Mr. Washington?
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Right.
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00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:10,560
What's the answer?
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00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:14,900
Lexington and... Right.
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00:11:16,700 --> 00:11:17,700
Lexington Avenue.
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00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:27,720
Probably near 129th Street by that
barbecue, man. It's a tough
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lot of wars. No, no, no.
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the shot heard round the world.
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00:11:46,540 --> 00:11:52,920
Now, the Redcoats came marching down the
road, not suspecting that the
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colonists were lying in wait for them.
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00:11:55,740 --> 00:11:57,440
Carter, get up here and lie in wait for
me.
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00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:02,380
Do you want me to lie in wait in a place
special? Well, take cover behind the
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00:12:02,380 --> 00:12:04,180
hill. Okay, I'm taking cover behind the
hill.
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00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:04,979
All right.
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00:12:04,980 --> 00:12:07,580
Now, 1775, the scene.
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00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:12,400
Lexington conquered Massachusetts, and
the Redcoats came marching down the
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00:12:12,540 --> 00:12:15,400
not suspecting that the colonists were
lying.
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to take command of the colonial army.
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00:13:00,060 --> 00:13:04,780
Mr. Woodman, I hate to admit it, but
that was interesting, really. Yeah,
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00:13:04,780 --> 00:13:06,880
You know, you look like the guy on The
Money.
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00:13:08,580 --> 00:13:12,260
That was terrific, Mr. Woodman. Mr.
Carter doesn't do that many costume
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in class.
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00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:16,300
Well, I'm glad you all enjoyed it. Where
do you see the fun we have with World
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00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:17,019
War II?
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00:13:17,020 --> 00:13:18,020
Oh, you have that?
200
00:13:20,430 --> 00:13:22,390
It was really great. Really, it was
great.
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00:13:24,390 --> 00:13:25,510
It's a pretty good speech, man.
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00:13:27,310 --> 00:13:28,490
They love me, Carter.
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00:13:58,470 --> 00:14:00,390
They love me.
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00:14:01,030 --> 00:14:02,470
I can see the headlines.
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00:14:02,810 --> 00:14:06,110
Vice principal wears wig while socks
mother student.
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00:14:58,860 --> 00:15:03,280
I want to thank you for letting me take
your class yesterday, and bless you,
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00:15:03,340 --> 00:15:04,340
Carter.
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00:15:05,860 --> 00:15:08,460
Mr. Women, don't you think you should
take me out a few times first?
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00:15:10,420 --> 00:15:11,420
Oh.
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00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:18,040
When you're at that wedding, remember,
the cha -cha is different than the
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00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:41,270
We're on a junior achievement project
for the telephone company.
212
00:15:43,230 --> 00:15:47,950
You guys wouldn't happen to know who
disconnected the bell, would you? It's
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00:15:47,950 --> 00:15:50,990
probably the same guy that stuck Todd
Ludlow in my gym locker, you know?
214
00:15:51,210 --> 00:15:53,570
Part of the undesirable element here at
Buchanan.
215
00:15:54,630 --> 00:15:59,610
Epstein, you are the president of the
undesirable element here at Buchanan.
216
00:16:01,330 --> 00:16:02,930
Now go and reconnect that bell.
217
00:16:03,210 --> 00:16:06,190
Never judge by appearances, Carter.
Appearances deceive, they delude.
218
00:16:06,790 --> 00:16:09,460
Now... You must learn to trust these
children.
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00:16:09,820 --> 00:16:12,800
Trust is the very foundation of good
student -teacher relations.
220
00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:17,640
And remember, Carter, there are no bad
boys, just bad teachers.
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00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:21,440
Run along now, boys. Thank you. Thanks,
Mr. Wood.
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00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:35,760
That's William Claiborne, who settled
Maryland, and William Penn, who settled
223
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,920
Pennsylvania. Okay, can anybody tell me
who settled New Jersey?
224
00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:40,280
Oh, oh, oh!
225
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:43,480
Is New Jersey settled?
226
00:16:46,060 --> 00:16:49,340
Arnold, New Jersey's been settled for
more than 250 years.
227
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,620
Ha! You've never been to Newark on a
Saturday night.
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00:16:55,340 --> 00:16:56,340
Hey,
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00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:57,720
all right, come on.
230
00:16:58,140 --> 00:17:00,760
I know you'd rather be watching Mr.
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00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:05,380
Woodman crash the Boston Tea Party, but
some of us are here to learn.
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00:17:06,750 --> 00:17:07,750
Who?
233
00:17:09,190 --> 00:17:11,230
Sam, let me get some of these names up
on the board.
234
00:17:12,390 --> 00:17:14,829
Excuse me, I got a boogie to my desk to
get some chalk.
235
00:17:23,109 --> 00:17:24,230
Woodman's Yellow Chalk.
236
00:17:25,010 --> 00:17:27,470
All of Woodman's Yellow Chalk is in my
desk.
237
00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:29,350
But we had to put it someplace.
238
00:17:31,610 --> 00:17:35,210
Yeah, and it'd break Uncle Woody's heart
if he thought that we took it.
239
00:17:35,430 --> 00:17:36,430
So you want...
240
00:17:37,550 --> 00:17:38,550
Sure, why not?
241
00:17:38,890 --> 00:17:43,370
All right, I want to know who is
responsible for taking that chalk and
242
00:17:43,370 --> 00:17:44,069
in my desk.
243
00:17:44,070 --> 00:17:45,090
All right, that's my idea.
244
00:17:45,630 --> 00:17:46,890
I took the chalk.
245
00:17:47,130 --> 00:17:48,610
I opened the desk drawer.
246
00:17:48,870 --> 00:17:53,570
And I stuck the chalk inside it. And I
closed the drawer.
247
00:17:56,310 --> 00:17:58,210
You guys really stick together, don't
you?
248
00:17:59,410 --> 00:18:05,570
All right, by tomorrow morning, from
each and every one of you, I want to...
249
00:18:12,750 --> 00:18:15,710
this. I really don't. It's like the
exorcist or something.
250
00:18:15,950 --> 00:18:18,950
I think Woodman has taken over his body.
251
00:18:19,610 --> 00:18:21,270
Hey, Woodman, you in there?
252
00:18:23,790 --> 00:18:25,750
I'm in here by myself, Barbarino.
253
00:18:25,970 --> 00:18:29,170
But what is it, really, Mr. Conner? I
mean, ever since we made nice with Uncle
254
00:18:29,170 --> 00:18:30,930
Wood, you've been crawling up our backs.
255
00:18:31,150 --> 00:18:34,350
Hey, that's right, man. What's with you?
You jealous of what?
256
00:18:34,850 --> 00:18:37,350
Me jealous of Father Flanagan?
257
00:18:38,730 --> 00:18:42,050
All I know is you've been turning into a
real loud.
258
00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:07,280
Conversation with friends?
259
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:10,840
That is, if you have any left after that
disgusting performance.
260
00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:16,960
You know, Carter, you're beginning to
sound a little like me before I became a
261
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:18,880
great guy.
262
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:26,100
Mr. Woodman, how would you like to go
back to being you?
263
00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:27,520
What for?
264
00:20:27,700 --> 00:20:29,220
I mean, I'm happy being not me.
265
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:32,380
Yeah, but if you're not you, then I
can't be me.
266
00:20:32,620 --> 00:20:33,980
And then I gotta be somebody.
267
00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:35,400
So I become you.
268
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:37,040
How's it feel?
269
00:20:38,820 --> 00:20:39,820
Terrible.
270
00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:44,860
Look, I am a better teacher than I am a
disciplinarian. But the school has got
271
00:20:44,860 --> 00:20:48,680
to have a disciplinarian. I know being
Mr. Woodland is a rotten job.
272
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,480
But somebody's got to do it.
273
00:20:57,740 --> 00:20:58,900
What's that, Carter?
274
00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:01,260
What? That.
275
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,000
What? The missing yellow chalk.
276
00:21:12,460 --> 00:21:17,440
I don't suppose that you'd be interested
in quieting down and conducting a calm,
277
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:20,800
rational investigation. I am being
totally calm.
278
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:26,140
I am dealing with sweat hogs. And one
approaches sweat hogs...
279
00:21:45,830 --> 00:21:46,830
in this task by the...
280
00:22:20,699 --> 00:22:22,020
Mr. Woodman, aren't I?
281
00:22:22,360 --> 00:22:23,360
You certainly are.
282
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:24,920
You're the worst.
283
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:29,520
You know, I really missed him.
284
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:32,000
So did I.
285
00:22:32,780 --> 00:22:34,040
Welcome back, Mr. Woodman.
286
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:36,520
Wipe that smile off your face, Cutter.
287
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:38,840
Woodman's back in town.
288
00:22:52,110 --> 00:22:53,290
A guy walks into a bar.
289
00:22:53,770 --> 00:22:54,770
What guy?
290
00:22:55,210 --> 00:22:57,550
Whatever. A guy walks into a bar, orders
two martinis.
291
00:22:57,810 --> 00:22:58,910
Right? You with me so far?
292
00:22:59,310 --> 00:23:02,610
Yeah. Somebody I don't know is in a bar
and he orders.
293
00:23:02,990 --> 00:23:03,990
Two martinis.
294
00:23:04,630 --> 00:23:07,230
Drinks one martini, pours the second one
in his breast pocket.
295
00:23:07,530 --> 00:23:13,490
In his breast pocket, you hear... Orders
two more martinis, drinks one, second
296
00:23:13,490 --> 00:23:18,630
one over here, you hear... The bartender
looks at this guy funny. I should
297
00:23:18,630 --> 00:23:19,630
imagine.
298
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:23,960
This guy orders ten martinis, drinks
five, the other five in his breast
299
00:23:24,100 --> 00:23:28,440
and you keep hearing... The bartender's
getting mad. He says, all right, you
300
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:30,500
fella, you're a weirdo. Get out of here.
301
00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:35,000
Guy looks at the bartender and says, I
don't have to do this, but I am a
302
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:38,580
citizen, and I pay taxes, and I'm going
to punch you right in the nose.
303
00:23:40,340 --> 00:23:44,080
And from his breast pocket, a little
mouse peers over the top and goes...
304
00:24:03,500 --> 00:24:04,860
Welcome back.
305
00:24:05,900 --> 00:24:09,000
Your dreams were your ticket out.
306
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:15,920
Welcome back to that same old place that
you laughed about.
307
00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:20,360
Well, the names have all changed since
you hung around.
308
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:24,920
But those dreams have remained and
they've turned around.
309
00:24:26,060 --> 00:24:30,800
Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd
have thought they'd lead ya? Back here
310
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:32,280
where we need ya.
311
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:39,560
Yeah, we tease him a lot because we got
him on the spot. Welcome back.
312
00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:44,100
Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome
back.
313
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:50,900
Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we
tease him a lot. Welcome back. Welcome
314
00:24:50,900 --> 00:24:53,420
back. Because we got him on the spot.
315
00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:59,680
Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we
tease him a lot because we got him on
316
00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:01,360
spot. Welcome back.
25210
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