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1
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Honey, why don't we get a pet?
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Hey, you know we're not allowed to have
pets in this apartment.
3
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No, I don't mean a dog or a cat.
4
00:00:09,300 --> 00:00:10,400
Why don't we get a bird?
5
00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:13,420
Hey, did you ever take a look at the
parrot my Aunt Eileen got?
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No.
7
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The only thing a parrot could say was,
who is it?
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So she brought the parrot home, and she
went out to get some parrot food. While
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she was gone, the butcher comes to the
door, knocks on the door.
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00:00:25,140 --> 00:00:26,740
Parrot hears the knock and says, who is
it?
11
00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:29,760
Butcher says, it's the butcher!
12
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The parrot says, who is it?
13
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The butcher says, it's the butcher. This
is a true story.
14
00:00:37,630 --> 00:00:39,250
He says, it's the butcher, the butcher.
15
00:00:39,950 --> 00:00:42,490
The butcher has a heart attack, falls
down right in front of the door.
16
00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:46,270
My aunt comes home, sees the butcher
there. She says, oh, my God, who is it?
17
00:00:46,270 --> 00:00:47,450
parrot says, it's the butcher.
18
00:00:49,770 --> 00:00:53,410
Welcome back, guys. We're live on tape
for Studio A.
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Welcome back.
20
00:01:03,820 --> 00:01:06,960
Your dreams were your ticket out.
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00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:13,880
Welcome back to that same old place that
you laughed about.
22
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:18,340
Well, the names have all changed since
you hung around.
23
00:01:19,060 --> 00:01:22,880
But those dreams have remained and
they've turned around.
24
00:01:23,660 --> 00:01:26,080
Who would have thought they'd lead you?
25
00:01:26,340 --> 00:01:30,940
Who would have thought they'd lead you?
Back here where we need you. Back here.
26
00:01:31,950 --> 00:01:36,310
Yeah, we tease him a lot, cause we got
him on the spot.
27
00:01:36,510 --> 00:01:37,610
Welcome back.
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00:01:38,490 --> 00:01:42,030
Welcome back, welcome back, welcome
back.
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00:01:42,830 --> 00:01:46,370
Welcome back, welcome back, welcome
back.
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00:01:51,210 --> 00:01:54,650
No way, no way, no way.
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00:01:56,010 --> 00:02:00,710
Hey, here's my man. My man, how'd your
big date go Saturday night? Big date,
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00:02:00,710 --> 00:02:03,800
man. You jive it, man. Who go out with
him?
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00:02:06,420 --> 00:02:08,660
Then he fixed it up. That's right.
34
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Due to my stupefying talent with females
of the opposite sex, I managed
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to fix up a date with the one, the only,
Rosalie Totsie. No, you mean
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Hotsie Totsie.
37
00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:27,440
You know,
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00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:32,550
I remember the time I took... Hotsy out.
You're in the movies. Me and Hotsy at
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00:02:32,550 --> 00:02:34,490
the beach. Right there I am. Wait, wait,
wait.
40
00:02:35,350 --> 00:02:36,810
Let the man speak.
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00:02:37,690 --> 00:02:41,130
Go ahead. Tell us all about you and
Hotsy.
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00:02:42,190 --> 00:02:43,190
Oh, okay.
43
00:02:45,250 --> 00:02:48,990
I borrowed my old man's cab and went to
pick her up. Yeah, we'll get to the good
44
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part. Did anything happen?
45
00:02:50,290 --> 00:02:51,189
Oh, right away.
46
00:02:51,190 --> 00:02:54,530
I forgot to turn the taxi sign off and
we had to bring six people to the
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00:02:54,530 --> 00:02:55,530
airport.
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00:02:58,310 --> 00:02:59,310
Arnold.
49
00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:02,660
Arnold, I want to thank you for last
Saturday.
50
00:03:02,860 --> 00:03:04,080
I had a really nice time.
51
00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:07,680
Hey, hot stuff. Come on, baby, shake
that cake. Go ahead.
52
00:03:08,500 --> 00:03:10,380
Don't knock it off. You're going to be
sorry.
53
00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:18,500
Hey, look, hot seat. I wanted to thank
you for being so nice to my friend
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00:03:18,500 --> 00:03:19,500
here. Ah, you big dump.
55
00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:47,280
Second syllable. Second syllable is
hand. It's falling.
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00:04:47,540 --> 00:04:48,540
A falling hand.
57
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,820
A thing that's falling on the ground.
58
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:54,520
A bug. A bug. A small bug.
59
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:22,080
You're going to have a baby, and the
father is one of the sweat hogs? Yeah.
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00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:27,620
Rosalie, so you're going to be mommy.
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00:05:30,340 --> 00:05:31,960
Who's going to be daddy?
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00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:35,080
He knows who he is, and he can step
forward himself.
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00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:42,180
Sure, he'll step forward.
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00:05:43,020 --> 00:05:44,780
Why don't we get involved with these
kids?
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00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:46,260
We haven't talked to them.
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00:05:47,050 --> 00:05:48,830
I might as well be talking to a stone
wall.
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00:05:54,570 --> 00:05:56,390
I am talking to a stone wall.
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00:05:58,910 --> 00:06:03,110
Watch this.
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00:06:04,970 --> 00:06:08,070
You're late.
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00:06:10,650 --> 00:06:12,330
That's your fourth tardy this semester.
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00:06:13,450 --> 00:06:15,090
Did you bring a note from your mommy?
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00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:35,400
stupo jerko and domo now you clowns come
on sit down we save the last for
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00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:40,640
later i have something very serious that
i would like to discuss today i would
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00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:47,500
like to talk about responsibility about
you being accountable for your own
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00:06:47,500 --> 00:06:50,200
actions i'd like to talk about
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00:06:57,420 --> 00:06:58,420
pretending to be asleep.
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00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:00,260
No, I'm not, man. I'm sleeping.
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00:07:02,020 --> 00:07:04,860
I can just tell this is going to be
another one of your boring speeches.
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00:07:06,060 --> 00:07:07,640
Open your eyes, Washington.
80
00:07:08,260 --> 00:07:10,660
I'm going to clap out the erasers on
your head.
81
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,540
All right,
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00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:18,080
forget serious.
83
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,260
I'm going to talk about hoods.
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00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:28,620
different kinds of hoods.
85
00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:34,740
There is childhood, brotherhood,
sisterhood,
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00:07:35,060 --> 00:07:39,900
Robin Hood, fatherhood.
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00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:47,620
I got another great idea.
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00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:49,700
We're going to play a game.
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00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:55,060
Okay, now a simple game. I'm going to
say a word, then I'm going to point to
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00:07:55,060 --> 00:07:56,060
somebody in the class.
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00:07:56,190 --> 00:07:58,650
And you say the first word that comes to
your head. Right? Simple.
92
00:08:00,670 --> 00:08:01,670
Baby.
93
00:08:01,930 --> 00:08:02,930
Darling.
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00:08:03,290 --> 00:08:06,250
Sweetheart. Honey, we gotta stop meeting
like this.
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00:08:37,669 --> 00:08:38,669
Responsibility, too.
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00:08:38,809 --> 00:08:40,010
Go ahead, go ahead.
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00:08:43,210 --> 00:08:44,210
I'm pregnant.
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00:08:44,790 --> 00:08:47,870
Rosalie, I didn't know you went to Camp
Feldman.
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00:08:50,390 --> 00:08:52,410
And one of you guys is responsible.
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00:08:56,290 --> 00:09:00,050
Well, I really would like to go on
chatting all day, fellas, but I must
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00:09:00,050 --> 00:09:01,050
train.
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00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:07,960
Mr. Conner.
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00:09:09,980 --> 00:09:13,800
Uh, Rosalie, can I talk to you for a
minute?
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00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:15,000
Sure, Arnold. Shoot.
105
00:09:18,860 --> 00:09:21,960
Rosalie, are you busy on Saturday?
106
00:09:22,580 --> 00:09:23,580
Why?
107
00:09:26,060 --> 00:09:27,440
You want to get married?
108
00:09:29,380 --> 00:09:31,020
What would I want to do that for?
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Because I like you and I want to make
you honest.
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00:09:36,700 --> 00:09:38,480
And I want to give your baby a name.
111
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:42,460
You know, Horshack's a very old and
respected name.
112
00:09:44,780 --> 00:09:47,620
It means the cattle are dying.
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00:09:59,380 --> 00:10:05,540
That's really sweet of you, Arnold, but
I want to marry the father of my baby.
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00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:16,220
Think about it. At least if you married
me, you wouldn't be Hotsy Totsy no more.
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00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:19,860
I'd be Hotsy Horseshack.
116
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:30,720
Rosalie, can you meet me here after your
last class? I'd like you to come home
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with me tonight.
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00:10:33,980 --> 00:10:34,980
Sure.
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And you can call me Hotsy.
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00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:40,320
See ya.
121
00:10:55,790 --> 00:10:58,710
I don't know where Julie is. She's
supposed to be home by now. I mean, she
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00:10:58,710 --> 00:10:59,710
should be here any minute.
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00:10:59,850 --> 00:11:00,850
Oh, relax.
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Be a guest.
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00:11:08,050 --> 00:11:09,070
This is my apartment.
126
00:11:10,030 --> 00:11:11,030
I figured.
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00:11:19,170 --> 00:11:20,170
That's my window.
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00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:25,460
sit down here on your couch.
129
00:11:39,540 --> 00:11:40,540
That's my table.
130
00:11:42,940 --> 00:11:44,760
It's the carpet on the floor there.
131
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:46,400
Look, Mr.
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00:11:46,620 --> 00:11:48,400
Carter, you don't have to feel
uncomfortable.
133
00:11:48,620 --> 00:11:50,260
I understand what you're trying to do.
134
00:11:50,620 --> 00:11:52,440
I know how hard it is for...
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00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:56,000
A person of the older generation to cope
with sex.
136
00:11:56,420 --> 00:11:57,940
And I really want to thank you.
137
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:04,360
Hi.
138
00:12:05,220 --> 00:12:06,220
Hi.
139
00:12:09,220 --> 00:12:11,820
Julie, you've heard me speak of Rosalie
Totsie?
140
00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:14,740
Sure. Nice to meet you, Hotsie.
141
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,300
Rosalie, why don't you listen to some
music, huh?
142
00:12:29,220 --> 00:12:30,560
Here, you're playing for takeoff.
143
00:12:32,900 --> 00:12:37,600
Julie, I'm glad you came in when you did
because just... Oh, the lipstick?
144
00:12:37,900 --> 00:12:38,900
Yeah.
145
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:41,820
That was really funny. That was
hysterical.
146
00:12:43,020 --> 00:12:44,020
Well,
147
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:47,160
it was like a gratitude type of kiss.
148
00:12:47,820 --> 00:12:52,680
She was basically, what she was doing
was thanking me because she's going to
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00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:53,680
have a baby.
150
00:13:04,590 --> 00:13:08,030
She won't, uh... Julie, you don't
believe it.
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00:13:08,530 --> 00:13:09,530
Oh, no.
152
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:11,570
Did you just keep on talking?
153
00:13:13,170 --> 00:13:16,110
Julie, Rosalie's gonna have a baby, and
the father's one of the boys in my
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class, and she won't tell me who it is.
So I brought her here so you could do me
155
00:13:18,870 --> 00:13:19,870
a favor and find out.
156
00:13:21,670 --> 00:13:24,310
Come on, Julie. You gotta help me. I
don't know what else to do.
157
00:13:24,550 --> 00:13:26,110
Why don't you talk to her parents?
158
00:13:26,710 --> 00:13:28,290
Because she trusts me not to.
159
00:13:29,010 --> 00:13:30,430
She says her parents would kill her.
160
00:13:31,110 --> 00:13:32,110
Especially her father.
161
00:13:33,090 --> 00:13:34,090
Reverend Totsie.
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00:13:39,850 --> 00:13:41,150
Let us reminisce for a while.
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00:13:41,710 --> 00:13:44,670
Return with me now to those thrilling
days of yesteryear.
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00:13:45,290 --> 00:13:48,810
Last yesteryear, my last birthday, when
you didn't have money to buy me a
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00:13:48,810 --> 00:13:50,650
present. So what did you do?
166
00:13:51,050 --> 00:13:54,350
Well, instead, you gave me this.
167
00:13:57,990 --> 00:14:01,670
This card entitled, The Bearer to One
Giant Favor.
168
00:14:03,130 --> 00:14:05,390
Happy birthday, love, Julie.
169
00:14:05,890 --> 00:14:06,890
Aren't I cute?
170
00:14:09,870 --> 00:14:12,910
I guess I'll just leave you two alone to
talk. I'll take out the garbage.
171
00:14:13,330 --> 00:14:15,190
I already took out the garbage.
172
00:14:15,870 --> 00:14:16,870
I'll make new garbage.
173
00:14:22,950 --> 00:14:24,270
Rosalie, I'll be back in a minute.
174
00:14:24,710 --> 00:14:26,030
I'm going to take out the garbage.
175
00:14:43,370 --> 00:14:44,370
It's our window.
176
00:14:45,750 --> 00:14:49,130
I've already been through this with your
husband. I've seen it all, Mrs. Conner.
177
00:14:50,410 --> 00:14:53,090
Look, Rosalie, my husband told me about
your problem.
178
00:14:53,950 --> 00:14:57,370
In this day and age, how did you ever
get yourself in such a mess?
179
00:14:59,530 --> 00:15:04,350
What I mean is... Haven't you ever heard
of family planning?
180
00:15:04,950 --> 00:15:07,390
You can't plan a family in a 57 Chevy.
181
00:15:18,260 --> 00:15:19,260
Pregnant.
182
00:15:19,900 --> 00:15:21,360
No, I'm looking for a number.
183
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,380
Two months, three, four?
184
00:15:23,740 --> 00:15:24,740
Four.
185
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:26,800
Really? You don't look it.
186
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,039
Okay, two.
187
00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:28,999
Aren't you sure?
188
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,980
What about three? You know, I was never
very good at math, Mrs. Carter.
189
00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:36,100
I, uh, I just want to get married and
have my baby.
190
00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:42,080
And, uh, and I want the father to step
forward because he loves me, not
191
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:44,500
not because someone forced him into it.
192
00:15:51,950 --> 00:15:53,010
I'll make some more garbage.
193
00:15:55,190 --> 00:15:57,770
Wow, he's just as freaky at home as he
is in school.
194
00:15:58,530 --> 00:16:00,090
She didn't learn nothing, neither.
195
00:16:00,370 --> 00:16:01,370
Bye.
196
00:16:03,750 --> 00:16:05,710
I want to know, and I want to know now.
197
00:16:06,030 --> 00:16:07,810
Have you ever dated Rosalie Totsie?
198
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,050
What was the question?
199
00:16:14,010 --> 00:16:16,170
You heard the question. What's the
answer?
200
00:16:16,530 --> 00:16:18,170
Hey, Vinnie, tell them about...
201
00:16:19,310 --> 00:16:23,910
How the Ten Commandments was on the
screen and you and Hotsy was in the
202
00:16:23,910 --> 00:16:30,910
breaking nine of them. All right,
203
00:16:30,970 --> 00:16:33,250
what about the balcony at Lowe's
Oriental?
204
00:16:33,610 --> 00:16:40,330
One of you is
205
00:16:40,330 --> 00:16:41,330
responsible.
206
00:16:58,350 --> 00:17:00,090
pin this rap on me. I know my rights.
207
00:17:00,310 --> 00:17:02,610
This isn't a courtroom, Epstein.
208
00:17:02,950 --> 00:17:04,109
This is a classroom.
209
00:17:04,790 --> 00:17:06,329
And you don't have any rights.
210
00:17:07,569 --> 00:17:09,910
I want to know and I want to know now.
211
00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:12,050
Have you ever dated Rosalie Totsie?
212
00:17:15,450 --> 00:17:18,869
I can't hear you.
213
00:17:20,150 --> 00:17:22,250
Yeah, yeah, I went out with Rosalie.
214
00:17:22,490 --> 00:17:23,770
But nothing ever happened.
215
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:39,020
Tony Allen Beach. You said you and Hot
Seat made an imprint in the sand that
216
00:17:39,020 --> 00:17:40,660
lifeguards are still talking about.
217
00:17:45,380 --> 00:17:46,520
What about you, Mr.
218
00:17:46,740 --> 00:17:50,780
Laughs? I believe I'm allowed one phone
call.
219
00:17:53,780 --> 00:17:55,440
Just tell me about you and Rosalie.
220
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,640
Ain't nothing to tell, man. I ain't
never even dated that chick.
221
00:17:59,060 --> 00:18:01,100
Then why'd you say you did? Why not?
222
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:05,840
I'm deeply disappointed.
223
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:09,360
You can't even trust a guy named
Washington to tell you the truth.
224
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:12,360
So I guess that settles it, huh?
225
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,720
Congratulations, Horshack, you're the
father.
226
00:18:16,740 --> 00:18:18,340
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
227
00:18:18,660 --> 00:18:20,780
He only went out with that chick last
weekend.
228
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:23,480
And I thought I was a fast worker.
229
00:18:30,220 --> 00:18:33,640
I'd like to thank everybody who voted
for me.
230
00:18:37,830 --> 00:18:38,830
I think you ought to know.
231
00:18:38,990 --> 00:18:40,750
Rosalie says I didn't do it.
232
00:18:41,130 --> 00:18:42,250
So nobody did it.
233
00:18:43,370 --> 00:18:46,350
I think we should put a candle in the
window because the last time this
234
00:18:46,350 --> 00:18:48,290
happened, three wise men came from the
east.
235
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:16,260
The rest of you girls, back to the
library.
236
00:19:16,500 --> 00:19:17,640
Well, how are we going to learn
anything?
237
00:19:18,300 --> 00:19:20,600
Listen, I don't mind if they stay. I've
got nothing to hide.
238
00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:25,280
All the boys, get up and get against the
wall.
239
00:19:26,700 --> 00:19:27,880
Get against the wall.
240
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:35,240
Rosalie, I insist that you identify the
father, and I insist that you do it
241
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:36,240
right now.
242
00:20:07,210 --> 00:20:10,310
said nothing ever happened, then I guess
I'm not pregnant.
243
00:20:10,750 --> 00:20:12,110
What? Huh?
244
00:20:14,010 --> 00:20:15,530
Hey, can she do that?
245
00:20:25,370 --> 00:20:26,370
You're not pregnant.
246
00:20:28,210 --> 00:20:29,210
You're not pregnant.
247
00:20:30,670 --> 00:20:32,730
Osley, why did you tell me that you
were?
248
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:37,820
Mr. Carter, do you have any idea what
it's like going through life as hotsy
249
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:42,560
-totsy? Being treated like you're easy
when you ain't. Even you believe them.
250
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:47,040
So, uh, that's when I decided getting
even would be the best revenge.
251
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:49,820
Now I got all these clowns on record.
252
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:51,120
It's official.
253
00:21:13,450 --> 00:21:14,910
and so valiant while I was pregnant.
254
00:21:17,350 --> 00:21:18,510
You're a true gentleman.
255
00:21:19,150 --> 00:21:21,670
And if you're still free for Saturday,
so am I.
256
00:21:22,390 --> 00:21:25,070
We can go to the airport alone this
time.
257
00:21:25,570 --> 00:21:26,570
Who knows?
258
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:49,040
understand one thing.
259
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:53,180
Why? Just tell me why. Why did you
involve me in this?
260
00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:57,080
Oh, that's easy, Mr. Cotter, because you
always button in where you don't
261
00:21:57,080 --> 00:21:58,080
belong.
262
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:00,400
But thank you.
263
00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:06,560
Oh, yeah.
264
00:22:08,700 --> 00:22:10,580
Used by a woman once again.
265
00:22:11,820 --> 00:22:13,660
And then just cast aside.
266
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:15,220
Oh, Cotter.
267
00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:26,200
I've been thinking.
268
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:28,620
Maybe you're not too young to be a
father.
269
00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:33,740
Julie, we talked about this before we
were married.
270
00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:36,360
We both decided that we should wait for
a while.
271
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:45,360
It's been a while.
272
00:22:47,300 --> 00:22:48,320
No, it hasn't.
273
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:52,720
It's not going to be a while for a
while.
274
00:22:56,590 --> 00:22:57,590
Go to sleep.
275
00:23:03,710 --> 00:23:05,350
Gabe, don't you want a family?
276
00:23:06,490 --> 00:23:07,810
I have a family.
277
00:23:08,810 --> 00:23:09,850
You're my family.
278
00:23:10,070 --> 00:23:12,090
And I just want to keep it that way.
279
00:23:13,290 --> 00:23:14,290
For a while.
280
00:23:19,050 --> 00:23:20,050
I love you.
281
00:23:21,250 --> 00:23:22,330
I love you, honey.
282
00:23:34,510 --> 00:23:37,410
Good. Tomorrow call up my mother and
explain to her why you're not pregnant.
283
00:23:54,670 --> 00:23:56,090
Welcome back.
284
00:23:57,430 --> 00:24:00,350
Your dreams were your ticket out.
285
00:24:01,550 --> 00:24:02,630
Welcome back.
286
00:24:03,630 --> 00:24:07,290
To that same old place that you laughed
about.
287
00:24:08,170 --> 00:24:11,830
Well, the names have all changed since
you hung around.
288
00:24:12,530 --> 00:24:16,230
But those dreams have remained and
they've turned around.
289
00:24:17,510 --> 00:24:19,410
Who'd have thought they'd lead ya?
290
00:24:19,650 --> 00:24:25,010
Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back
here where we need ya. Back here where
291
00:24:25,010 --> 00:24:29,650
we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot.
Cause we got him on the spot.
292
00:24:29,870 --> 00:24:31,010
Welcome back.
293
00:24:31,870 --> 00:24:32,930
Welcome back.
294
00:24:38,990 --> 00:24:41,610
We tease him a lot. Welcome back.
295
00:24:41,910 --> 00:24:44,810
Welcome back. Because we got him on the
spot.
296
00:24:45,070 --> 00:24:51,050
Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we
tease him a lot because we got him on
297
00:24:51,050 --> 00:24:52,670
spot. Welcome back.
22767
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