All language subtitles for waiting_for_god_s05e01_after_the_operation

Insulin level nine.

Okay, pretty good. All systems go.

Well, as near to go as I'm going to get
this side of the grave.

Morning, Diana.

Oh, you're dressed.

Yes. I usually get dressed when I'm
going out.

Except for that time when I forgot and
went down to the library in my pyjamas.

Well, they were my pyjamas, actually.

My baby doll pyjamas.

Still, never mind. Even the magistrate
thought you looked cute.

So, oh, what are you going to do today?

That's a secret. But I am going to do
something that will make you see me as a

new man.

You're not going down the hospital to
ask for another head transplant, are

No.

I am going to do something that you've
always wanted me to do.

I thought you did that on Saturday
night.

Diane, what I achieve today will make
you realise that I am just the sort of

you want for a husband.

Tom. Will you get my hammer and chisel
and I will engrave it deep upon your

forehead. I do not want to marry you.

Not now, maybe.

You never want to do anything before
you've had a cup of tea.

But when I've done what a man has to do,
then we will see.

What language do I have to speak?

What signs and portents must a woman
invoke in order to overcome the

of the creature that is man?

Why do they all... I think that we yearn
to be stretched upon the sacrificial

altar of marriage.

Why do they all think they all come gift
-wrapped?

Why don't they all go and boil their
heads?

Because we need you, Diana.

I need you.

A man without a mate is a wasted thing.

He has no purpose.

He's like a sock without a foot.

What does that mean?

I have to call this.

See you later.

What home?

Hello. How can I help you, Grandad?

You can call me Mr Ballard for a start.

Say, sorry I'm pure.

I mean, I might be a grandfather.

In fact, I am a grandfather, as my son
Geoffrey, the well -known Hell's Angel,

has managed, God knows how, to have two
quite unpleasant children.

They take after their mother, Marion,
who is very unpleasant.

You probably know her.

Most men within a 50 -mile radius of
central Bournemouth know her.

I'm not entitled you to presume that I
am a grandfather.

Does it?

Eh?

You want me to repeat all that?

No, no, no, please.

Just get on with it, will you? How much
do you charge?

What for?

This is a driving school, yes?

Yes. Well...

I didn't come here to have my toenails
clipped, did I?

You want driving lessons?

Faster than a speeding bullet.

How old are you?

76. Too old.

Oh, I have a provisional driving licence
and I have a medical certificate.

Why did you leave it so late?

My wife used to drive me everywhere.

Well, why can't she keep driving you?
She's been dead for 15 years.

I wouldn't give her a medical
certificate.

So why do you want to start driving at
your age?

To show my lady love that I'm not just a
burnt -out gold boot.

So, shall we jump into the old
Lamborghini and go for a bit of a burn?

Here we are, Diana.

The Lord be with you.

The blessed Semolina.

What is this?

My rosary! Oh, dear!

Oh, dear Lord, I'm so sorry.

I must have dropped it during my
intercourse Hail Marys.

Do forgive me.

It was my semolina, mate.

Please don't blaspheme, Diana.

You'll be struck down.

I believe yours is a very forgiving God,
and I'm quite sure you went...

You were simply bunging your beads in my
summer leave.

In fact, you might even find it vaguely
amusing.

Do you think so?

Oh, yes. Anybody who created mankind
must have had a sense of humour.

Diana, let's drop the subject.

I'm sorry about her.

Jane.

Jane, will you sit down a minute,
please?

What is it, Diana?

You and I are in the same position.

Really? How?

We both have clothiered menfolk driving
us round the twist.

You've got the idiot Baines trying to
pin you down, and I've got dear old Tom

crashing around with some nuptial bee in
his bonnet.

What do you mean?

Tom wants to marry me.

going to get at your time of life?

Jane, do you want to be the first
trainee nun to be found floating face

a bowl of semolina?

I didn't accept Tom's offer for the same
reason I didn't accept about 50 other

lunatics. Because I have never wanted to
get married.

I've never wanted to be Mrs. Somebody
Else, and I still don't.

Poor old Tom.

Yes, I know. That's my dilemma.

See, I've become rather fond of old Tom.

The five years we've spent together is
the longest relationship I've ever had.

Well, apart from the Labrador I had for
15 years, but... I don't want to hurt

old Tom, but I cannot compromise my
principles.

You do still love Tom, though, don't
you? Don't confuse the issue with mush,

Jane. I believe you should think very
hard before you turn Tom down.

Oh, yes.

And what about you and Harvey, hmm?

Are you sure you really want to rush
into the arms of the church?

I mean, does the dear Lord really want
you on the rebound?

It's not like that. Are you sure that
despite the obvious dictates of taste

sanity, you're not still in love with
the twisted little git? Quite sure.

Really, really, really sure?

Yes. Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Oh, God, if you're up there, how do I
get out of this soap opera?

Hello there, Harvey.

What are you doing?

I'm waiting for the postman. And here he
is.

Expecting something, are you?

No. I want to give him a big kiss.

Wouldn't fancy it myself.

Hi,

fat boy.

Hi, babe. What's going down?

Me.

I have an urgent desire for your filthy,
fat, unshaven body.

What's the matter?

I've done what you wanted. I've got me
tattoo.

Show me, show me.

My husband would never have done this
for me.

That's true, doll.

What's this?

Who the hell's Mary Ann?

I said Marion.

The bloke who'd done it was drunk.

Has he done the dragon on your tummy?

Wait till he sobers up.

I don't want no hare brain messing
around down here.

All right.

Well, you'd better go and find another
job now.

A job?

You said nothing about that.

You said we was only interested in
pleasure and sex.

Yes, pleasure and sex. And school fees
and tennis club fees and off -license

fees. No such thing as a free bed, fat
boy.

On your bike.

My brain hurts.

At last.

The Reverend Harvey Nigel Baines.

Bless you, my son.

Right, Mr Ballard.

Let's take this very carefully, shall
we?

Haven't you got something a bit more
zippy?

Sorry?

I mean, Nigel Mantle's dog wouldn't
drive one of these.

Now, will you just concentrate, please?

Where are the pips?

Now, remember the procedure?

Indicator on. Check the rear -view
mirror.

Gently on the accelerator and then let
the clutch out and move slowly and

smoothly into the left -hand lane.

OK? Fine.

Let's go.

Now, just a touch on the accelerator.

at this teaching thing, are you?

I suppose we'd better do some reversing
now.

Where are you going?

We haven't done an hour yet.

I wonder if they do these collards in
Paisley.

Oh, hi. Yes, hello. Is that the
secretary of the golf club?

Well, bless you, my dear.

This is the Reverend Bain.

Well, I'd like to apply for membership
of your wonderful club.

Yes, Bain.

Am I related to that nasty little bird
that runs Bayview?

I'm sure I don't know who you mean.

No, no, no, don't worry. I'll drop by
and pick up the form.

Yes. Bye -bye.

Cow.

Well, they're not going to turn down a
reverend, are they?

Especially not a married reverend.

Oh, hello, Janie.

Need a hand, my child?

I'm not your child, Harvey.

We're all children of God, Jane.

That's very true, Harvey.

How are the Bible studies coming?

Fine, thank you.

Maybe we could peruse the good book
together.

It doesn't have any pictures, you know.

I know, Jane.

I know my Gospels.

Matthew, Mark, Luke and Jim.

Just testing.

Us followers of the divine must always
be testing each other to make sure our

faith stays as strong as the rock that
was St... Rocky.

Peter!

Well done.

What are you talking about, Harvey?

I have found the way, Jane. The way? The
way to what?

The way to get into the golf club?

I'm not interested in golf clubs, Jane.
I found the way of the Lord.

Oh, really?

Oh, yes. I have been struck by the light
on the Tabasco Road.

Life has taken a new direction. You see
before you a new Harvey. The Harvey of

the Lord.

Lo.

Oh, dear Lord!

Forgive him. He knows not what he does.

Oh, Jane, I know quite well what I does.

I am now a reverend.

Stop! We'll all be cast into the eternal
fire.

Oh, goodness. Jane, look at this. This
is my reverendship certificate.

You see? Look, I mean, it's all signed
and sealed. I mean, it's totally legit.

Look, this is to certify that Harvey
Nigel Baines is a minister of the Church

the Flaming Sword, Las Vegas.

Yes, and he's passed all the exams to
fully qualify him as a church minister

with all the due tax entitlements.

It's signed Bishop Leroy Washington III.

What exams did you have to take?

Oh, very extensive. I mean, it took me a
whole lunchtime to tick the little

boxes.

Bishop Leroy... Washington?

Yeah, no, you see, that's him. He's the
one on Rollithgate holding a mass

wedding of Puerto Rican croupiers
outside the Golden Shire's casino.

Very colourful. Yeah, but I can now
conduct a marriage service.

And it's good fees, too.

I thought I might convert the dining
room into a chapel on Saturdays, you

catch the weekend shopping and marrying
crowd.

Harvey? Yes, Jane?

I think I might have to have a lie down.

Don't do any marriages while I'm gone.
Jane, there's only one marriage that I

want to be involved in.

Yours and mine. To each other, I mean.
Our marriage.

I think I might have to have an migraine
pill.

No, don't you.

Now, just think. Think of the
possibilities.

The Reverend Baines and his assistant,
Jane Baines, invite you to a tambourine

and guitar party.

Bring an open heart and an open
checkbook.

Well,

that should have sorted that one out.

Someone to run this play and entry to
the golf club.

Hello. Oh, hello, Geoffrey.

Do come in.

Thanks, darling.

Old man in, is he? No, he's gone off
somewhere.

Right, I'll hang about a bit if that's
OK with you.

You got beer?

It's me, Diana.

Yes, I?

So, your ding -a -ling wife is not here.
You can drop the fat boy's charade.

What do you mean, you silly old bat?

Geoffrey?

Geoffrey, who are you?

I'm Fat Boy.

Fat Boy Higgins.

I ride with the Bogner chapter of the
Hell's Angels. No, you don't. I'm sure I

do. No, no, no, you're Geoffrey Ballard,
purveyor of yoghurt and cheese slices

to the masses.

It's gross.

Slob aberration was something you
pretended to be in order to titivate

unnatural wife.

This isn't the real you, right?

Listen, Gran, you're hurting me brain.

Uh -uh. Where's me old man?

Ah, yes, now that's it. Now, if Tom
Ballard is your father, who does that

you? His son, of course. Yes, so your
name must be Ballard, not Higgins.

Look, I just ride me bike, thump people,
give me old lady a regular service.

Stop messing with me, eh?

It is. It's time for the men with the
nets and the cattle prods.

Hello, who am I? I mean, who is this?

The police?

Who asked you to call me?

Sterling Moth?

Listen, you dozy great walloper.

That man is a well -known local
fruitcake.

He is not.

Sterling Moss, Alan Prost or Nigel
Mansell.

So you say this gentleman's given us a
false name?

Yes.

He is really Nicky Louder.

Who is he?

Louder. Who is he?

Never mind, it was an old joke. Let's
start again, shall we?

Now, what is your name? What? What is
your name?

Yes. Yes, what?

What is my name?

I don't know, that's why I'm asking you.

My name is Sergeant What.

I think I'm in a Marx Brothers movie.

Just give me my bloke back, please.

Ah, for this gentleman's husband.

Soon to be, we're engaged.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Yes, and it isn't true.

Behave yourself, Tom.

What's his name?

No, no. Your name is what. My name's not
what. Eh, what?

Shut up, Tom.

His name is Tom Ballard.

What's he in for, anyway? He's not been
showing his bum at the rugby club again.

Driving without due care and attention.

Oh, don't be so silly. He can't drive at
all.

We know that. He put a vehicle through
the window of the driving school.

Well, I was with an instructor. Whom you
then chased down the high street.

Well, he was running away. My lesson
hadn't finished.

I hadn't had my full hour.

You then drove into the pond.

Well, of course I did.

The car was on fire.

Pretty smart, eh?

Eh, what?

Thank you for bailing me out. It's
usually the other way round. What were

playing at? Since when have you wanted
to drive?

Well, it was for you, really.

Explain.

It's the sort of blokes you like, you
know, squash butters, chaps who jump out

of planes.

And you're always on about this racing
driver boyfriend you had.

So I thought, well, first step, take
some driving lessons off.

Look, you are who you are.

I'm very happy with that.

But you don't want to marry what I am.
No, well, I didn't want to marry the

racing driver either.

Did he ask you? Oh, frequently.

Along with many other pirates in my
life. And I threw them all out.

You can't do that to me. Oh, yes, I can.

Oh, no, you can't. Why not?

It's my apartment.

So, why won't you wed me?

Because... Because I don't want to.

Isn't that enough?

No.

I mean, I've only asked two other women
to marry me, and they both said yes.

Well, we've only been married once.

I was engaged to my nanny when I was
four.

Said that the 15 -year age gap would
always be a problem.

So we went our separate ways.

She might be 130 years old by now.

But don't you see, if you married me, I
would be on a different level to all the

others. Tom.

Otherwise, I'm just lover number 3 ,010.
Thank you.

I'm not going to marry you just to prop
up your feeble ego.

It's because I'm boring.

No, it isn't. Just because I don't
wrestle with sharks.

Just because I don't skydive. Just
because I don't have a steely glint in

eye. Belt up.

Subject closed.

So, didn't much happen while I was doing
my stretch in the old Alcatraz de

Bournemouth? Oh, yes.

Your son went mad.

Really? That's fascinating.

What form did his lunacy take this time?
Well, he thinks he's Fat Boy Higgins,

the last of the Easy Riders.

No, no, that was just to amuse Marion.

Not any more.

He believes he's Fat Boy in his own fat
head. He's currently slobbing around our

place looking like Marlon Brando on
Valium.

Thank you.

Sort him out.

Knew I shouldn't have gone over the
wall.

Should have done my time like a man.

I wish I was still Ernest Hemingway.

Hemingway was a manic depressive old
queen.

I was not.

Good morning, your Grace.

Ah, Jamie.

I want to talk to you about your
granddaughter, the lovely Jane.

You're not cutting her pay again, are
you?

On the contrary.

I want to give her the most precious
thing I have.

Would that be your almost Armani suit?

My body.

My soul.

She'll take the suit.

You like living here, don't you, Jamie?

For free, and all that.

I hope you'll both be very happy
together.

Thank you.

God bless you.

insight into the furthest depths of the
brain -damaged psyche so that I can

speak to people round here.

Geoffrey's got a motorbike and he talks
funny.

He keeps calling me a rough scrubber
mole.

He thinks very nice and he's taken to
spitting at the geranium.

What do you want, Jane?

It's Harvey.

He's become a reverend. A reverend what?

Reverend Baines.

He's got a reverend. Friendship from
America? He's even got the bulk collar.

All right, God, you can come out now.
The joke's over.

He did it for me, in order to get me to
marry him. He did it for himself. You

know what he's like, Jane.

Just scrape him off your shoe, tell him
to vanish and keep moving.

Nobody's ever done anything like that
for me before.

You're not weakening, are you?

Of course not. But it does show a high
degree of devotion, doesn't it? It shows

a high degree of selfishness, Jane.

He wants to make you into a legal slave,
just like the rest of them.

Jane, what's going on?

Why? Harvey came and asked me for your
hand.

Cannibal. Oh!

My goodness, he's tried to do everything
right for once.

What did you say? Well, I hope he said
he'd rather live through another potato

famine and have one of his
granddaughters marry that dreadful

litter. Is that right, Jamie? I said it
was up to you, Jamie. I will say no for

you, Jane.

No. No.

He says you're to be on the front lawn
at tea time for his formal proposal.

I will be there, Jane.

And if you weaken, I will haunt your
dreams forever.

It's a private occasion.

Nobody else will be there. Thank you
very much.

It's a private occasion.

I'll call out the troops. And I'll
arrange the grandstand, the tear gas and

sick bags.

Geoffrey, Daddy's here.

I know that being married to Marion has
some disadvantages, like probably a few

degrees worse than going to hell for all
eternity or even spending a fortnight

in Luton.

But you really can't behave like this.
You can't go from selling dairy products

to smashing up seaside resorts at your
age. You'll look silly.

even more silly than you were when you
tried to break into novelty

contraceptives.

I told you curry -flavoured condoms
would never catch on.

Who is he?

Oh, he's still with the fairies. What
are we going to do with him?

Chuck him on the rubbish heap. Diana,
he's my son.

No, he's not. He's a visitor from
another planet.

He's probably responsible for corn
circles, cycle lanes, traffic cones and

the other unnatural phenomena.

Might even be responsible for the
Liberal Democrats.

He says he wants a job.

I won't tell him to go down to medical
school, see if they want any corpses to

cut up.

Where are you going?

Harvey is proposing to Jane this
afternoon and he wants it to be a very

and secret affair.

So I must make sure everyone's there.

A proposal ceremony.

Jeffrey?

Oh, hello.

I gather you're looking for a job.

Could be. What's the gig?

Have you got another crash helmet?

Yeah. Well, I want to hire you to take
me to your nearest aerodrome where a

certain Mr Biggles and his friend Ginger
are awaiting my coming.

Get a chainsaw, Jane.

Then when he opens his mouth to propose,
you just cut his head off.

I think I know what to do, darling.

You are going to say no, aren't you?

Of course I am.

In my own way.

Oh, dear Lord, give me strength.

Into the valley of death.

On your knees, boy.

On your knees.

On your knees. All right, all right, I
was just about to.

Jane Edwards, light of my life, would
you do me the honour of marrying

me? Oh, what a surprise.

Can I marry you?

What can I say?

You can say no. Shut up, Diana.

was I?

What did you want?

Marriage, Jane.

I want you to marry me.

Will you marry me?

No.

Jane, I'm getting a stiff knee.

Can I have an answer?

Yes, Harvey!

Jane! Jane, you're touching me.

What's that?

Is it a plane?

Is it a bird?

No, it's a ballad.

What? It's Tom.

He's got something to ask you.

Oh, my God, he's all over the place.

He's going to land over there.

Wagon through!

if you would do me the honour of
marrying me.

I thought we discussed this.

Oh, for God's sake, say yes before that
harness cuts his nuts off.

I said, will you marry me?

No.

Ah, well, so much for happy endings.