All language subtitles for waiting_for_god_s04e06_the_promotional_video

I joined the army yesterday, so the army
of today's all right.

Boom, boom, boom.

What hope has?

Waiting for Miss Wright?

God forbid.

Miss Wrong's much more fun.

Actually, I'm waiting for the postman.

Oh, he comes in a van these days. Got
sick of Diana ambushing him.

Expecting something, are you? A word
from Cubby Cabbage.

Who? The fellow that makes the Bond
films.

Broccoli. Pleasure.

I told him I'm available for Bond, and
he's getting back to me.

Good idea. We should be back in
pictures.

I'm sure they miss us.

I know they do.

Arnold Schwarzen... Well,

you know how he is. He rang me the other
day.

What did he want?

He's doing another film.

He's playing the Archbishop of
Canterbury.

Great casting.

Yes. He wondered if I knew Arch
personally.

Oh, thank goodness for idiotic Jewish.

Keeps us safe.

Yes.

How is Diana?

She's going to be a nice surprise when
she wakes up. I've cleaned the flat to

within an inch of his life.

You mad, impetuous fool, you.

been tidying up again.

He saw your behaviour and struck you
down.

Why do you always want to do something
you know will upset me? Because I enjoy

it. How can you?

I'm a domestic anarchist.

Cobblers.

Oh, I'm sorry, Tom. I think it probably
stems from my childhood.

See, my father was a... Well, he was a
useless so -and -so.

He used to go out whoring and boozing
and then he'd come home and clean the

house in a fit of frenzied guilt.

a clean house, I feel sort of, well,
tormented and driven to muck it all up.

You've never told me that before.

No, no, I suppose I wouldn't have done,
seeing as I've just made it up.

So, you mess it up just to upset me?
Yes, pure unjustified

malevolence. I enjoy upsetting people.

Oh, well, if you enjoyed.

I shall just have to accept it.

What? Well, I'm fond of you.

You want to enjoy yourself. I shall just
have to accept your figurine.

You can't do that.

That ruins it.

I want to upset people, not give them
pleasure through tolerating me.

Sorry. Right, right. That is positively
the last time that I chuck rubbish round

this place.

Oh, surely not. I'll show you. I'm so
upset.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it is
Wednesday, and I have a long way to

Just win that argument.

Hello?

Oh, not today.

Hello?

Anyone in?

What? Anyone in?

No.

Shall I come back later?

Like when?

When someone's here.

Yes, that's a good idea, Geoffrey. Why
not come back later when one of us is

OK. Bye.

Bye, Geoffrey.

Teetering on the brink of reason.

One breath of wind, one tiny nudge, and
we will all topple into the dark,

screaming chasms of chaos and confusion.

Hello! And here we go.

was here.

Yes, well, Geoffrey, like his father, is
a couple of putters short of the full

golf bag.

What is it you want, Jane?

I wanted to speak to Tom. What about?

You try dragging your backside up
Everest every Thursday.

Excuse me.

Oh, yes.

Jane wanted to speak to you privately.

Probably wants to make you into her love
slave.

I shall be outside beating up the
sparrows.

Yes, Jane? I have an urgent request from
Harvey.

I'm not going to be his love slave.

How would you like to do something?

Prato Portuguese, eh? No speak French.

What are you doing?

No speak English.

What's going on?

Every broccoli's turned me down. I can't
understand it. I could have been... The

name's Bond.

Bethelden Bond.

Shut up.

What's with all this tidying?

Not expecting some clothiered royal, are
we? I'd set my heart on movie stardom.

I'd even booked a place that would make
it for ginny. Basil!

Quick, we have to talk. Amazing news.

Oh, hello, Diana.

What's the palaver?

Oh, nothing, nothing at all. I just want
a bit of a chat with Basil. What about?

Um, uh, the tactics for the dominoes
tournament.

Come along, pal.

What is going on?

Uniform you're wearing. Look like
somebody who gives diffident and

lessons.

You've got it for me. Next figures.

What for?

Um... Oh, I think I hear the phone.

What is going on?

Hiya, Granny.

Are you talking to me? I certainly am,
my old darling.

Looking for old Bainsey.

Old Bainsey?

Yeah, runs his place.

Oh, no, he does not.

He is merely the figurehead. I run this
place.

I'm sure you do, my lovely old ducky,
and I bet you do a super job, too.

my kind of girl.

Oh, I wish you were my granny.

I think we'll probably find old Bainsey
in his old officey.

What the hell is going on?

At last, at last, fame and fortune.

Fighting off the jinx. Limousines and
fancy restaurants.

And fighting off the jinx.

Oscars, BAFTAs and MOFTAs. And not
fighting off the jinx.

What's so funny?

Nothing, Diana.

Oh, you're looking very slinky today,
Diana.

Oh! Oh, Jane.

Dear God, Jane. Come here.

Sit.

this entire place is done up like a
tart's parlour.

And why those two old goats are cackling
like they've got feathers up their

caipers.

And why you are done up like Betty Davis
on speed.

All will be revealed, Diana.

Well, not by you, I hope.

By Harvey.

Oh, how revolting.

Hello, everybody.

Everybody happy?

Well, great news, and I'm sure you're
all going to be thrilled.

We're going to be in the movies.

Hooray! Shut up!

What are you on about, you little
stinkpot?

Nothing to concern you, Diana.

That's the one that need me in the
goalies.

And who is that great patronising oink?

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to
introduce you to the director of the

question. It's Mr Richard Iron.

Iron Day!

No relation to Jeremy Attenborough.

What film?

Basil and Madonna, Do It In A Balloon.

Shut up, Basil. It's a commercial.

We're making a commercial here.

What for?

The living dead?

We're making a commercial for Bayview.

I mean, as you know, Bayview has been
such a success, thanks to my tremendous

management skills, that the board...
Currently meeting in Hawaii.

Thank you, Diana. That the board have
decided to set up Bayview franchises

across the country.

Now, in order to do this, we have to
persuade a few local councillors. What a

great place this is. Hence the short
promo film.

Or no film.

It's a promo.

Promotional.

Forget it, Harvey.

I'm sorry?

Well, nobody around here wants to get
involved in something that's going to

encourage the pred of geriatric ashtrays
like these.

We all come to be stubbed out by blood
-sucking, brain -dead incompetence like

your slimy little self.

Make a film to encourage you.

Oh!

Eat your socks.

Well, thank you, Diana.

Well, the following have agreed to
appear in the film. Now, there's Deirdre

Oliver, Jenny Murphy,

Basil Makepeace.

Oh, and...

Tom Ballard.

if you're back in yet.

Geoffrey, what is the matter with you?

It's Marion. I don't know what to do.
Oh, God, what is it now?

She's attacking anyone who comes to the
door.

She says her life has no purpose, she
has no fun, and I'm boring her to death.

I don't know what to do.

Have you thought of suicide?

It's not funny, Diana. It's
embarrassing.

No one can come to the door.

She bit a pair of morons.

I'm a bit stressed.

The delivery people have to chuck
everything from the road.

It's all right with the papers and the
post, but the milk's a bit of a problem.

Is Dad around?

No, he and Basil are with a pair of
brainless moles nancying around on the

croquet lawn.

They're not sacrificing goats again, are
they?

No, they are making a film.

Really?

Gosh, how exciting.

I've always wanted to make a film.

Always wanted to be a director.

When I was at school, they used to call
me Celia.

Cecil B. DeMille.

They got it mixed up and called me Celia
B. DeMille.

That's a nice bunch of lads.

Right -o, lovies.

We'll start over here on Harvey.

We'll do a little bit to camera.

Then we'll cut to you all having a
wonderful time. So I want you to really

yourselves, OK?

Super.

You may touch me, Jane.

I hit you five minutes ago.

I was younger then, Jane.

A bit of hush, please.

Turn over.

Bayview promo, take one.

And action.

Action, Bainsey.

Hi.

My name's Harvey Bain.

I'm the manager here at Bayview.

And as you can see from the people
around me...

We all have a lot of fun here at
Bayview.

It's fun, fun, fun all the way.

No, but it's serious as well, because
it's a great responsibility

guiding these senior citizens through
their autumn years

before they fall off their twigs.

Where's my script?

Cut. Don't worry, we can edit it out.

Right, set them over here for the old
lovelies.

Oh, that's us.

This bloke's an awful creep.

OK,

Tommy Lovey.

And action.

Well...

I've been at Bayview quite a few years
now, and on the whole, it's not a bad

place, despite being hopelessly run by
the idiot Baines.

Cut it, cut it, cut it.

Just hold it. Tom, would you mind
sticking to the script?

It's a wonderful place because it's so
well run by the idiot Baines.

Let's go again. Action, Tom, and
remember it. A wonderful place because

by me. I can't say that. I'd be struck
down.

Battle, you do your bit. Oh, righty -ho.

Ready?

Yes.

Fine, you all go ahead.

Don't mind me.

I'm just the director.

Action, the terrapin.

Hi, gang.

I'm Baz the Stud Makepeace.

I have a wonderful time at Bayview
because most of the chicks here are

little ravers who... Dickie, I'm so
sorry.

OK, Jane.

In your own time.

And action.

Chest out, Jane.

Lick your lips.

Think hot, steamy passion.

Shut up.

Just get on with it, Jane.

Hello. I'm Jane Edwards, matron of
Bayview.

And I'd like to show you round our
wonderful, happy home.

Come inside.

Betty, get up, please. Thank you, thank
you. And this is the dining room where

we all dine happily together.

And here is Jenny, a happy helping
person.

I'm so happy working at Bayview. Oh,
yes, I am.

Mr. Crock, our chef, about to serve one
of his famous cordon

bleu meals.

I like Bayview.

It's a very happy place for illegal
immigrants.

We never get turkey. It's just time.

And here, once again, is Harvey, our
wonderful manager, eating

with the residents.

I always eat with the residents because
the food is so good and it's always such

fun.

Harvey's a real man's man who needs only
one thing in life and that is... The

love of a good woman.

He doesn't realise that that woman is so
close to him that you could bite him.

No, no, cut, cut it, cut it, cut it.

What do you think you're doing?

Just a bit of ad -libbing.

Meryl Streep does it all the time.

Well, you're fired.

I want this woman off the lot by sunset.

No, no, no, just forget it. You'll never
work in this town again.

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, come here.

OK, it's your turn to start.

You're going to play Jane.

Now get out there and kill them.

Mr. Baines, don't you worry. I will let
you down. All my life I've waited for

this break. All these years of waiting
tables.

And now I'm going to make it.

I'm going to be a... Okay.

Light. Camera.

Action. The minute you walked...

in overdosing culturally this early in
the evening.

Hi, it's me.

Don't stand up. No interviews, no
autographs. We're just good friends.

What, ho?

No business like show business at all.

Members of the Academy, thank

you for the statuette.

Of course, I don't usually accept
awards, but I want to use this platform

bring to your attention the plight of
the gay Welsh Aborigines.

Don't you want to hear about the
filming?

No. I've just spent two hours at the
sauna.

What sauna?

And then we had to do a scene in the
intensive care unit.

We don't have an intensive care unit.

No, that was Harvey's office with a few
bits of dentistry equipment.

And what about the sauna?

The potting shed.

with a kettle going full blast.

Tom, this entire film is a fake.

It's show business.

How can you possibly support Harvey in
this blatant bit of humbuggery? Diana,

it's my big chance.

I could be a star.

I am shocked. I am really shocked, Tom.

I've always admired you.

You may be a couple of wheels short of a
full wagon train, but I've always felt

there was a basic honesty about your
darkness.

But now, for the sake of a few pathetic
sprats thrown to your vanity, you want

to chuck all your ideals in the bin and
become one of God's great cosmic jests.

One of life's lowest forms.

You want to become an actor.

Actors are fine people.

Rubbish! They're animals. They should be
kept caged north of Potter's Bar.

Let out to do their bit and then locked
away again.

Then every time we picked up a paper or
turned on the telly, we wouldn't have to

listen to their pig -ignorant ideas on
everything from fashion to famine and

back to their boring causes and
relentlessly tedious sex lives.

Not keen on them, eh?

I went out with an actor once.

The only way I could stop him talking
about himself was to sit on his face.

He was still burbling on about his agent
as he lost consciousness.

Diana, you do me good.

Well, I am... worried about your soul.

Well, you needn't be.

I've been pulling your leg.

What? I'm not going to go along with
Harvey's con job.

You're not? Of course not.

At first I thought it might be fun, but
once he started faking it all, I decided

to subvert the whole operation.

And I need your help.

Have you heard about Mario's latest
problem? Oh, yes.

I wish I was dead.

But otherwise, everything's fine.

Hi, Dad.

I hear you're in the movies.

Yes, but we have a crisis, Geoffrey.

Our director is no good.

We need your great talents to help us
out.

Oh, God, fantastic.

I'll just get my gear.

And there's a chance for you too,
Marion.

We want you to play one of the leading
parts.

I have to sleep with the director.

It's not that sort of film.

What do I need to bring?

Well, uh...

Six pack of vodka should have the right
effect.

Moving.

Do you think this is totally moral,
Diana?

To sacrifice one Marion to bring down a
legion of potential Harveys?

Perfectly moral, Tom.

Right. Phase two.

Get Harvey and Jane off the premises.

Hi.

I'm Harvey Baines, and I'm the manager
here at Bayview.

As you can see by all the people around
me, well, we all have a lot of fun here

at Bayview.

Ah!

Look at that, Jane.

It's there. Can't you see it?

Do you mean the nasal hair?

I mean that indefinable something. That
something that says... It says box

office. It says star quality.

Head on your nose.

What?

Yes?

Really?

No, no, I'm sure he wouldn't be remotely
interested.

He is the manager of a retirement home,
not an actor.

Give me that, give me that. Hello,
hello, Harvey Nigel Baines here.

Who is this?

Creative Talent Agency?

You've heard about the picture?

You want me to do a screencast?

And to bring my own make -up, lady.

Yes, but isn't that a... They've gone.

Oh, Jane.

You need a little trip to London
tomorrow.

That agent sounded vaguely familiar.

Just call my tailor and my hairdresser.

Oh, yes, and I'd better get my feet
done.

Yes, call my pedder out.

OK.

They've gone.

Action stations.

Right, Marion.

Time to be a star.

How can I be Harvey if I'm the director?

I can direct this bit.

I'll operate the camera.

Okay, Jeffrey.

Action thingy.

Hi.

My name's Harvey Baines.

And I...

Jane Edwards.

And together we run this breakfast show.

Right,

here we are then.

So sorry, Harvey isn't here to greet you
personally. But somebody has stolen the

wheels of his car.

So you'll be a bit late.

But he told me to let you see the film
anyway.

Did you steal his wheels?

Clever little sod.

Phone chain.

Hello.

My name's Harvey Baines, and I run this
place.

The board insists on high qualifications
for these jobs, which is why I took a

crash course in accountancy while at my
open prison.

Charges were later dropped.

And now I'd like you to meet Jane
Edwards, our matron, who was handpicked

and the board after we'd all slept
interviewed her.

Jane is one of those councilors who have
gathered from all over England to see

the wonders of Bayview.

Hello.

I'm Jane Edwards, and I'm the one who
keeps the production order round here.

So, come and have a look round.

This is the croquet lawn, where our
residents have a lot of fun.

people about yourself, Mr. Kwok. Ah,
wonderful place.

Feed only cheapest food.

Ah.

Are you escaping?

Go on, Kwoky.

You were there last week and I walked
the tail for soup.

So, come to sunny Bayview and get ripped
off and eat

household pets.

pounds exactly.

Oh, hi.

How was the movie? Look, I'm sorry I'm
late.

I'm Harvey Baines. I was the lead in the
movie, you know, the one with the firm

jaw and the roguish look in his eyes.
We're reporting this place to the

Court.

What happened?

Well, I'm afraid they found you
unattractive, crooked, and insincere.

Unattractive?

Don't bring us, and we won't bring you.

Well, that was fun.

Oh, it certainly was.

Reality's leaking again.