All language subtitles for waiting_for_god_s04e05_the_seance

And it's Harvey Baines, six times winner
of the Decathlon. And he breaks through

the pain barrier and stuns this crowd
with an amazing show of stamina and

real hairy male virility.

Brave you some days.

No! No!

Oh!

Every Sunday.

Every damn Sunday.

I hate my life.

It's just a question of mind over
matter. You have to see your fist going

through the tongue.

I know.

This ancient is an art.

You can't tell me how to suck
grandmother's eggs.

What?

Portuguese. Me.

Real man.

Go on,

Basil, you show him.

all going tomorrow.

Yes, but that's for a funeral.

Yes, but we don't want to wear God out.
He'll get sick of us.

Whose funeral?

Sid Bingham Basil.

Is he dead?

I thought he was getting a bit slow at
the old dominoes.

Maybe they want to go with you. Don't be
silly.

Sunday morning follows Saturday night.

And we all know what that means.

Last tango in Bournemouth.

I don't think sin is in any way
humorous. Well, it depends how you do

Come along, Marjorie.

Who's Jane's chum?

Marjorie Evans.

She's a spiritualist.

Oh, Harvey!

Yeah!

All right!

Hello, Harvey!

Anybody want a Sunday paper?

They're in the ditch.

Horace bites the dust.

Do you want some tea, Tom?

My God, I've made it through the night.

What's the matter with you?

Elapsed lung, broken elbow, slipped
buttock.

Grumble, grumble, grumble. Do you want
one lump or two?

Twenty -five, please.

I feel like I've slept on a pile of
rubble.

Thank you very much.

up on the floor.

Because you don't have my stubborn
determination not to end up on the

I don't have your steel -tipped elbows.

We must get a double bed. No.

Why not?

It's ridiculous, us bunking up like
teenagers.

It'll be the back of minis next.

Why don't we get a decent -sized bed?

Because I do not like sleeping with you.

You have a funny way of showing it.

no particular aversion to the old shake,
rattle and roll.

I can tell that.

You're the only person I know who could
actually sing the 1812.

But I like to sleep alone. I don't know
why, once you've done your bit for

England, you can't shove off back to
your own bed.

What are you waiting for, the critics?

I have a weak heart and I'm slightly
diabetic.

So? So, it takes me eight muesli bars to
get as far as I do.

Come the... final whistle, I'm damn
nearly in a coma as it is.

I'd never make it back to base camp in
that condition.

My God, you think you've got mobility
problems.

I tell you, after midnight it takes six
mechanics of lock and tackle and a

blowtorch to get me off me davit.

Oh, I do so enjoy our gentle, loving
relationship in the autumn of our year.

yes, I know. It's a hoot, isn't it?

what's in the social calendar for next
week.

Oh, let me think now.

Lunch in Paris, tea at Windsor,
cocktails in Antigua. What do you think?

Nothing. Oh, come on, cheer up.

There's a nice funeral at St. Matthias
tomorrow.

God, not another one. What's going on
round here? Do people actually dump

dead on our doorstep?

Still, I'm fed up with funerals. They're
no fun at all.

They're not supposed to be fun.

Just let's hope that the Reverend Dennis
doesn't make a total arse of himself

again.

So nice to see so many familiar faces at
this, our harvest festival.

James Chubby Chum.

Harvest funeral.

No. Funeral. Don't know.

A funeral, of course, makes us think of
death.

Fancy.

Is death a beginning, or is it an end?

Or is it the end of a beginning, or the
beginning of an end?

Or is it the beginning of a beginning?

Or the end of an ending?

Who knows?

Who cares?

Get on with it!

Death is, of course, all of these
things.

Yet none of these things.

Oh, my God.

Death is merely a transition. The death
of the body is immaterial, for the

spirit is still with us.

Oh, yes!

Can we get a move on, please? I have a
hair appointment.

Yes, you do.

Have some respect. Yes, have some
respect.

Dennis, you pull your finger out or
we'll be here all night.

Right. If there be any person present
who knows the reason

why these two people should not be
joined... Oh, no.

That's not right, is it?

I feel so many vibrations.

So many voices are trying to get through
to me.

Who? Who?

Let me concentrate on you.

Deirdre, did you know a Deirdre?

Can't remember.

Deirdre, did she have a dagger tattooed
on her left buttock?

It's rather confusing.

Look, why don't you all come to
Marjorie's show tomorrow?

Gathering? Jane, we just gather and
listen to the voices of the

departed. Oh, wait a moment.

I have a John coming through. John?
Anyone?

Oh, my John!

Definitely a John.

Now, was he tall?

No.

Very tall. What's going on?

She's talking to dead people.

I know how she feels.

Don't leave it until my gathering.

Oh, yes. And how much does that cost?

Diana. Oh, wake up, you silly ducks.

She's just going round recruiting for a
concert. She's going round old folks'

homes trying to get customers. Am I
right?

You're entitled to your opinion, my
dear. Yes. And how much does it cost to

to your gathering?

Nothing.

I do it because I can do it.

And yes, of course, I go to the bereaved
for my audience.

There would be very little point in
going to anyone else.

She's got you there, Diana.

Well, don't you try getting through to
any of my dead pals.

They're all drunken journalists anyway.
Couldn't find their way through the

door, never mind that cosmic ether.

You lot, do you want to get conned?
Fine.

Include me out.

Did you have an American friend called
Henry?

I did not.

Known as Hal.

Must have got it wrong.

Now, who had a wife called Maggie?

No Maggie.

I'm getting a very strong message from
someone called Maggie. Tom!

Maggie!

Maggie!

It's all passing me by.

What is?

Life.

A few years ago, I was a young Turk. I
was one of Thatcher's boyos.

An operator, a man with an edge, a mover
and a groover.

Oh, God, I was marvellous.

You still are, Harvey. Of course I'm
not. I'm still here.

My original business plan said that I
should have just made my first damn

payment on my own personal helicopter,
not my last payment on my larder.

I was at business school with. They're
all in jail by now.

But not me. Oh, no.

No, I couldn't manage a massive fraud in
a fit.

You've always got me, Harvey.

Don't kick a man when he's dying.

Perhaps you should try seeking a more
spiritual path.

How?

You also could seek guidance from your
dear departed ones.

Haven't you lost someone in your past to
whom you were close?

Yes, well, I suppose old Benny.

Benny? Who is he?

An uncle?

No, just a kind old fellow I knew as a
kid.

Oh, well, let's try and get in touch
with him.

But every stupid Jane, I wouldn't be
seen dead at a sound.

Hello? Is that the Los Angeles Times?

It is.

And you are the editor's assistant.

Yes, never mind. Have a nice day. This
is long distance, so shut your face and

listen.

No, I have not thought of hostility
aversion therapy.

I just want you to tell me what has
happened to an old colleague of mine who

used to work on your paper called Henry
Cheswick.

Yes, that's right.

Hal.

Right -o. Bye -bye. See you tomorrow.

That's the sort of woman you want for
the winter.

That's enough, Basil.

It's time you curved your lecherous and
sexist ways.

What? In fact, it's time we all changed
our ways.

I don't want to change my ways. I like
being a grubby old stoat.

Hello, Beryl.

Fancy a couple of laps round the
jacuzzi?

Hello.

Oh, off on your travels.

Where have you gone?

Maggie. Oh, off to see the wife. Fair
enough. Say hello from me.

I've just been talking to Maggie.

Sorry?

Through Marjorie Evans.

Oh, Tom, give me a break. Marjorie Evans
is a fraud.

I don't think she can be.

Come on.

Tell Auntie Di.

I was also sceptical.

But through her, Maggie mentioned things
that only she and I could possibly know

about. Such as?

Well... My favourite wireless
programmes.

Walks they used to go on. Special meals
they used to cook for me. Yes, work,

Tom. Favourite programmes are Itmar,
Brainstrust, Walks, Cotswold, Favourite

Foods, you, Worse Lamorous Beef.

Pretty good.

Oh, I see it is all nonsense.

But she also knew that I brushed
Maggie's hair while listening to the

service. And she knew our secret names
for each other.

So? What did Maggie have to say?

I've betrayed her.

What? Just because she's gone these many
years doesn't mean her spirit has tired

of me. She said she gained comfort from
my holding on to her memory, my being

faithful to her.

Tom, this is crazy. But now she feels
that I have sullied our marriage through

taking up with you.

Tom, I know your wife.

You do not. Yes, I do. I know her
through you. She was a great woman. You

incredibly lucky to have her. She had a
heart the size of a football pitch. She

would not begrudge you one second of
happiness.

She would rejoice in your thing with me.

Maybe I've sanctified her.

Maybe she wasn't so open and giving. All
I know is that she has been certain

by... My taking up of you. Tom, you have
not sanctified her memory. She was a

wonderful woman, and I will not hear one
word against her.

She wants us to split up.

Oh, my God, I don't believe this. This
is crazy.

And I think I know who's behind all
this.

Oh!

Tom, this is paranormal claptrap.

What about your American friend, Henry?

How?

I'll see you later.

Old people are very good at it.

I beg your pardon?

Getting in touch with the, uh, dear
departed.

I expect, uh, your family do it all the
time.

My family get in touch with the dead.
They can hardly be bothered to get in

touch with the living. What are you
getting at?

Voodoo.

Voodoo? Yes.

I've read all about it.

You know, doing nasty things to
chickens.

Oh, yes, there's a lot of voodoo in
Bournemouth.

Really? Oh, yes.

Chickens can't walk the streets of
Bournemouth without being torn to shreds

zombies.

Zombies? I never knew.

Come here, you malevolent little weasel.
Oh, Diana, you can't treat me like

this. I'm not Harvey.

What have you been saying to that
Marjorie creature?

Well, somebody has been feeding her
private information about Tom and his

Maggie. I heard they'd been united
across the void.

Well, you will be chucked down the void
if you don't... But what have I done?

Well, you've always had the vapours
about Tom and me shacking up together.

And now you have got your bloody spooks
woman to say that Maggie disapproves of

our set -up and poor old Tom's so
gullible he wants to break it off.

She's not wicked, Diana.

It's after the mouth, but never wicked.

Well, somebody is spreading the poison,
and I intend to continue my inquiries.

What's for lunch?

Shredded chicken.

Oh, mighty Geoffrey, what fresh hell is
this?

This is our new home, Diana.

But it is a waste land.

We had to leave the last place because
of complaints about Marion from the

neighbours. So...

Using lateral thinking, I decide that
rather than get rid of Marion, we get

of the neighbours.

They're bound to group around you
eventually.

Not once they've met Marion.

Where is the glue -sniffing little
trollop?

Yes, ma 'am, Diana.

Yes. I want to talk to you about your
mother, Maggie.

Do you think she would have disapproved
of me?

Oh, mother was very unpredictable
indeed.

You answer the question, Geoffrey.

Would she have taken a gin me?

No, she could be very, very odd.

You and she would probably have been
great friends.

Just as I thought.

Do you know a spiritualist called
Marjorie Evans?

Not personally.

What about old Dragon's Breath?

She knows every alternative crackpot
from here to Peking. I believe the Evans

woman is currently top of her fad chart.

Talk as much.

Vicious little shrew. I should go and
poke her eyes out right now.

I'd rather you didn't, Diana. Driving's
bad enough as it is.

What's he done?

Something very evil.

Come inside, Geoffrey.

We have to spread a little
disinformation.

Am I supposed to understand what you're
talking about? Don't worry, Geoffrey.

I'll write it all down for you in very
big letters. That's very kind.

Holidays, Tom?

I'm moving into the guest apartment
until I can decide what to do to atone.

see. Do you have no regard for me at
all?

Of course I do.

It's just that... It's just you thought
you'd bugger off and leave me in the

lurch.

Our situation can't go on like this.

You are a swine, Tom.

I expect so. You have obligations to me.

But I was married to Maggie. We made
vows.

So to hell with what you feel about me.

I can't cut myself in two.

Look, Tom, over the last few years, we
have crawled across bloody minefields

together. Fought the good fight and
usually won. And when age and

have tried to mug us, we've managed to
fight back and rattle on for a bit

longer. Now you want to just throw it
all away. You want to wimp off like some

frightened rabbit scared of the dark or
some bogeyman. I was married to Maggie

for 37 years.

We had a son.

I mean, you can't hold Geoffrey against
her.

Sorry, Diana.

In here I know what's right, however
much it hurts.

Well, just one favour, Tom.

Of course?

Let's just investigate this Marjorie
creature one step further.

Why? She seems pretty good. Well, let's
just make 100 % sure. Let's go to her

little gathering.

See if Maggie turns up again. And then
ask her things that absolutely only you

could know the details of. Things that
only you and she can have experienced.

Please, would you do that?

For me?

Yes.

Yes, Diana. Of course I will.

Sometimes I hate myself.

But not much.

Marjorie is a wonderfully sincere
person, Harvey.

Aren't we all, Jane?

Let's hope she can contact your Benny.
It's all I live for.

You don't really have to come to this
today.

If this woman's in touch with Mum, I've
got a question for her.

What? Does marriage continue after
death?

I managed to sow the seeds.

I don't know if they've been passed on.

Maggie will come again today.

I'd like a bit more proof.

Well, ask her about something only you
could know.

The honeymoon, for instance.

Yes, I do.

Yes, Jimmy.

I have a Jimmy here.

Smokes a pipe.

Jimmy Piper.

That's it. Like I said, Jimmy Piper.

Now, your Jimmy, he died of a heart
attack, didn't he?

No, it was a motorcycle accident.

It was the heart attack that caused the
accident.

I didn't know.

That's what Jimmy says.

And he wishes you well.

And he still loves you dearly.

Oh, here's a Benny.

Anyone know a Benny?

Harvey, it's you.

Come on.

It's him here. It's him.

I think we should go to this man.

He's named Harvey.

Do come down, Mr. Harvey.

Jane, you're quiet.

What does the spirit world have to say
to him?

Probably owes them money.

Now, Benny was a friend from your
childhood, wasn't he?

Sort of.

Well, Benny has a special message for
you.

I'm listening.

Benny is your spiritual guide.

He watches over you. And he sees love in
your heart.

Who is this love for?

Himself.

I hear the name... What is it, Benny?

Joan?

That's right.

Benny says that deep down, though you
may not be aware of it, you are in love

with Jane.

Well, you give Benny

a message from me, will you?

Benny is listening to you now.

Benny, any more crackpot ideas like
that, and there'll be no more bone, no

walkie,

Mash up your blinking kennel.

You little dog.

You're like a stupid little mutt.

Well, Benny has obviously been through
many lives, the last one being that

unpleasant man's dog.

We can't help everyone, can we?

Hello, Tom.

Maggie's here for you. Do stand up.

What's that, Maggie?

Is that your daughter -in -law, Tom?

Yes.

Maggie says you underestimate her.

That'd be difficult.

Says you should be nicer to her.

What's that, Maggie?

Nicer financially.

Just a minute.

How do I know that's Maggie?

Oh, goodness. I thought we'd already
established that.

What do you want Maggie to tell you?

Tell me about our honeymoon, Maggie.

Yes.

Yes.

Mm -hmm.

I'm fine.

Maggie says you went on a long train
journey across Europe.

Maggie was arrested in Paris for
punching a policeman.

Yes.

And you both got a bit tiddly, and
Maggie accidentally stopped the train by

hanging her umbrella on the
communication cord.

Yes.

And she hit another policeman in Vienna,
and you both got deported.

Is that right, Tom?

Diana, you are without shame.

That's me.

Was that correct, Tom?

No, it isn't. That was my trip with
Diana on the Orient Express three months

ago.

Awful, silly woman.

So have I.

Come on.

Let's go.

Oh, and I have a message for a Marianne.
You'd better watch out, Marianne, or

you might be run over by a boss and
guess who'll be driving it!

I want to say I'm sorry, not just to
you, but also to my late wife, Maggie. I

apologise for involving you both in such
shabbiness.

It's OK.

Say no more.

Let's just go to bed.

Oh, great.

Separately. It's only Tuesday.

Okay.

Night -night.

Night -night.

Diana, what about your American friend,
Hal?

How did she know about him?

Oh, him.

He died two days before she mentioned
him. I expect he was just dropping by to

bid me farewell.