All language subtitles for waiting_for_god_s03e03_looking_for_work

Will you two old lizards get on with it?
I'm freezing to death.

Basil says there's a vulture in the
tree.

There is no vulture in the tree, Tom.
Get on with it.

Basil! What?

You were distracting me so that you
could move your ball.

You were doing a Diana.

I didn't move it. The earth suddenly
tilted on its axis.

That's what moved it.

The earth moved?

Yes. Happens all the time when I'm
around.

Ask Doris Figgins.

You are a filthy little ferret, Battle.

Thank you, Diana.

I try my best.

One day you're going to be in trouble
for sexual harassment.

I already am.

Esme McSweeney's always harassing me.

That's not quite what I meant, Basil.

Pinches me bum all day, and then at
night she climbs on top of a Zimmer

and sings disgusting sea shanties
through my fan light.

Tom, there will come a day when you're
clammy -handing some geriatric raver and

she'll accuse you of harassing her.

Not a chance. I never lay a hand on a
knee until I see that knee trembling

desire. Oh, my God.

Quite right, Basil.

Us dashing young bucks got to treat the
ladies right.

I always turn up on a white horse with
my black cape and wearing a mask.

Ah, lone raider. No, no.

Zorro.

Olé!

Please get me out of this cartoon.

God, it's bloody freezing.

My joints are creaking.

Maybe we could go to Mexico.

Oh, God. One chance.

I remember once I was there with Errol
Flynn. We had just drunk a couple of

bottles of tequila and had a knife fight
down on the waterfront when Gene Harlow

said to me, Tom, you rugged, squash
-buckling pirate, is that a sword

you have in your pocket or have you just
ripped your trousers?

At least I think that's what she says.

Anyway, I might just give her a ring and
find out what she's doing this weekend.

Oh, do be quiet, Tom.

Would you like to come along?

I'm sure old Flynn would fancy you. He's
never been choosing.

Just go away, will you?

What's the matter with you today? You're
crabbier than usual.

Hedgehog in your undies?

I want to be alone.

Someone else said that to me once.

Ha -ha!

That's probably her now.

Coming, Greta.

Hi, babe. What's shaking?

I have a good mind.

My health is average, but not totally
debilitating.

What in God's name am I doing here on
this bloody scrap heap?

Hello. Anyone in?

No, we're all dead and buried and gone
to hell.

You're not?

Oh, never mind. I'm in no mood to
ridicule and humiliate. you today.

Are you sick?

Yes. I'm sick of everything.

I'm sick of this place. I'm sick of my
polymyalgia. I am sick of grubbing

in the dog ends of existence for a half
-smoldering butt that will give me that

last hit before I slug down the final
crate of antifreeze and cast myself onto

the bonfire of painful oblivion.

Oh, that doesn't sound very cheerful.

It's all right for you.

You're a simple -minded flannel.

has got the brains of a Barbie doll.

Basil's got his sex.

Tom has got his imaginary Hollywood
friends. What have I got?

Just the clarity of vision to see what a
futile waste of time and space we all

are. Aren't we being a teensy bit
negative today?

No, we are being a teensy bit truthful.

It's all gone wrong.

What has?

Life, you nilly.

What is the point in increasing... our
life expectancy if it just means we sit

around here for a million years with
mushrooms growing out of our ears.

I like mushrooms.

We should all be born with sell -by
dates stamped on our foreheads.

What's the point in sitting around
gathering dust on the shelves? We should

bunged out the back, squelched in the
rubbish compressor along with the

cardboard boxes and the rotten fruit.

How about a pill?

I've got these nice new ones.

Harvey got a job lot from...

be for malaria.

But Harvey says, if you take them with
alcohol, they make you feel wonderful.

Battle said you wanted to see me.

Oh, yes.

Why is the heating off?

The heating? The heating, you parrot.

Well, it always goes off at the end of
April.

But we are cold.

It is cold.

never heard the slogan keep warm to keep
well harvey says it's not up to him it

says it's a stipulation of the board
jane we the paying customers are

to shiver clatter and rattle like a
bunch of half -cut castanets on an ice

you can have an electric fire one bar
only of course oh yes and i carry it

room to room do i and bung it in the
bath as well you tell harvey that if

heating is not on within half an hour,
I'm going to come over there, slit him

the middle and shake his entrails out
the window. Oh, darling!

Oh, to hell with this.

Tom?

James Fondue has just invited us round
for a cheese fondue.

Well, tell her we're busy.

Sorry, Janie. Got the split.

Surf's up.

Come on, Tom. Who was that?

Marion, my new improved daughter -in
-law, telling me how she has found a

of inner joy since she embraced the new
age.

Oh, my God, all that love and peace.

Always makes me want to kill somebody.

Where are you going?

I'm sick of sitting around here in the
slough of Despond.

I am going to get a job.

And what am I going to do?

Ride shotgun, of course. Come on.

Oh, dear.

I sense an imminent plunge into the
awful abyss they call reality.

Oh. Hello.

Hello, is that... Is that warm and
sensuous with private income of Sussex?

It is.

Oh, well, this is extraordinarily
handsome of Bournemouth.

Yes, yes, that's the one. Six foot two,
careless charm.

Baby, let me light your fire. Photo
essential.

Oh, well.

I've never done this before, goodness
me.

Where do we go from here?

What would I like to know about you?

Oh, well, I don't know. There's so many
things I'd like to know about you.

I'm sure you're a fascinating person.

How much is your private income?

Jane, a woman just told me to tie a knot
in my neck.

Just trying to find a proper wife isn't
an easy business.

Maybe I ought to put up wonky potions.
Good idea, Harvey.

Or maybe a hot air balloon with your
picture on the side.

That should frighten the birds out of
the sky.

Jane! I find this quest of yours very
tasteless.

You don't find a wife by holding
auditions or ringing up numbers in the

sport. You wait for your heart to speak
to you.

What exactly do you want, Jane?

The residents want the heating on.

It's very chilly.

It isn't chilly, Jane.

It's bloody freezing.

It's May the 1st. Heating's off.

But they're shivering.

Basil says his blood supply is being
diverted to quite the wrong parts of his

body.

He says it's ruining his reputation as
number one hot shot honcho, whatever

means. Come on, Jane, you know me. I'm a
man with a big heart.

I really do care for the dear old dear.

But I do have my percentages to think
about. Every month I'm shaving the costs

here, trimming a bit there. Look, look,
here are the minutes from the last board

meeting in Acapulco.

A post of thanks recorded to Leroy the
barman, Miss Lola Montez and friends,

Harvey Baines, without whom none of this
could have been possible.

I'm like that with them, Jane. I can't
prejudice my position on the inside

by chucking their money away on
senseless luxuries.

But you've got the... Heating on in
here?

Well, yes, but it's not for me, Jane.

It's for the computer.

They're very sensitive devices.

Look, look, I don't get cold. Why?

Because every morning I get up and I go
for a run to the gym.

Do the old ducks?

No, of course not. They're too lazy.

You get them jogging, Jane. That'll soon
sort them out.

But many of them can't walk without a
frame.

Don't look for problems, Jane.

Now, about your business.

Now, then.

Lavish Latin lover of Luton.

Maybe I could be a bus driver.

Not with your temper.

You'd never let anyone on.

Well, I need something.

Artist model?

Only for the surrealists.

How about a judge? They sit around a
lot. Or an England cricketer. Tom, I am

fully convinced that you're taking this
quest seriously.

Oh, I am. Honest. Serious job.

Right.

Why don't we offer ourselves as stunt
doubles to Torval and Dean?

Ah, just the thing.

I hope 16 to 25 refers to Colossae.

Wait. Can I help you, madam?

Will you tell the manager I want to talk
to him?

Sorry?

I want to speak to the manager. Will you
get him for me? I'm the manageress.

You? Yes.

Doesn't it interfere with your homework?

Can I help you?

I have come about the job.

Your granddaughter, is it?

Oh, God, I'm getting out of here.

Diana, I've just seen a giraffe I once
knew.

Is your husband all right?

He is not my husband. He is not all
right, and the job is for me.

I'm sorry?

The job you are advertising, I am
applying.

You? Yes. What is the job?

The cash register, mainly.

I can add up. I can sit on my bum all
day. I've had plenty of experience.

You don't quite come into the age range.

That is illegal discrimination.

I don't think so.

Oh, yes. You can't put a sign in the
window saying no blacks and no women.

can't put one up saying no old people.

Race and sex, true.

But there's nothing about age.

Oh, yes, there is.

There isn't.

Believe me, I have to know about these
things.

I'm sure you could do the job, but it's
a question of image.

We're trying to attract the young with
money to spend on... The elderly also

have money to spend.

Despite governmental efforts, we are not
all suffering from grovelling poverty.

Some of us have quite a stash to burn
before we finally climb into the old

furnace. But not on leather miniskirts.

Will you put me on that desk in some of
your gear? I might even start a trend.

Miniskirts for the instant.

You can make Varicose Veins the height
of fashion.

Oh!

I get it!

You're with that Beedle bloke, aren't
you?

There's a camera crew hidden in here
somewhere.

Come on! I know you're here!

I'm not stupid sending some old duck in
to pull me leg.

I think I'd be just right for the job.
I've driven all the great trains, the

Orient Express, lots of murders and
little Hercule Poirot scuttling up and

the corridors.

And then the Chattanooga choo -choo with
Glenn Miller and a port -a -piece

orchestra in the dining car.

And, of course, Marlena and I were
always mucking about in the Shanghai

Do you know Marlena Dietschy? Does she
come to Bournemouth much?

All the time, man.

Listen, I think you're a little old to
be a train driver, sir. Oh.

Well, next time.

Next time.

Right, man.

Wonderful.

I've seen this in recent movies, you
see.

Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.

Well, that was great fun. Now I feel
like a soul brother, and you think I'm a

honky -wally.

You don't go around speaking the truth
like that, man. You could get locked up.

Don't worry.

I already am.

Thanks for the skin, bro.

Marlena Dietrich sure ran with a weird
crowd.

What about this one?

Pizza delivery, boy.

You have to be able to drive a moped.

Shelf stacker? Now, what's that?

Someone who stacks shelves.

I know that. I'm not stupid.

What exactly are your qualifications?

Nearly 70 years as a human being.

Any particular job preference?

Diplomat. Racing driver.

Teenage sex surgeon priest.

You know if you earn over a certain
amount, it will affect your pension.

Why? I've been paying out for that
pension all of my life. They're merely

me back my money.

It's not supposed to stop me working, if
I so desire.

I just followed the guidelines.

Which are specifically designed to put
the elderly out of the workforce.

Same as you can't claim for childcare,
so young mothers are pushed out of the

workforce. So that the nitwit
government's unemployment figures won't

bad. I'm sorry, but I can't help you.

This place is government -run, isn't it?

Yes. Paid for by taxpayers?

Yes. I'm a taxpayer.

Yes. So I'm your employer, right?

Right. As your employer, I have decided
that you are fired.

So, now there's a job vacancy here.

I'll take it.

Would you like to come and sit over
here?

I'll take your place.

It's a very interesting little booklet
here.

What,

oh?

Remember me, Tom Ballard, father of your
crack salesman, Geoffrey Ballard?

I've come to do you a great favour.

Sorry about the heating, but I have
spoken to Mr Baines about it. Oh, thank

The thing is, Alice, I can't contemplate
a serious relationship until I know

that we're compatible in the old
saccharine.

So, rather than going to the pictures, I
thought we might go back to my pad and

play... French maids and wicked barons.

I'm glad we had this chap.

We warned him.

Is Tom coming in for lunch?

Oh, I haven't a clue.

He deserted me in my hour of need.

Probably wandering around the barren
wastes of Bournemouth.

Oh, hello, the idiot cometh.

Morning, everybody.

Now, everything tickety -boo.

Don't tell me it's about the heating,
isn't it? Yes.

Yes, well, you see, I'm very perceptive.
Now, yes, I have to say that the

heating does appear to be on the blink,
but I can assure you that it will be

fixed by the autumn.

In the meantime, I'd suggest plenty of
exercise and trips down to the local

library, where I'm told the heating is
on full blast.

There we are, Harvey's looking after you
now. Everybody happy?

Many of us need to die before you turn
the heating on, because I'm sure we

get some volunteers to keel over for the
sake of the others. Diana!

And then, of course, we could always eat
the dead ones. That should save a few

bobs. That's disgusting!

Not if you boil them for long enough.

Cannibalism is a perfectly valid last
resort, though I must admit it is fairly

rare in the home counties.

But then again, in a society that allows
its elderly citizens to freeze to death

every winter, who is going to worry
about the odd Betty or Doris?

Oh, dear.

Or maybe a nice Harvey hot pot.

And certainly finger bowls would take on
a whole new meaning.

That's enough, Diana.

Harvey, you are a lying little toad.
There is nothing wrong with the heating,

and if it is not turned on within half
an hour, we are all agreed that you will

be staked out naked on the croquet lawn,
covered in golden syrup, and left to

the mercy of Fred's man -eating maggots.

Once again, Diana, thank you for your
usual constructive comments.

You've really upset him. Oh, I haven't,
have I?

Oh, dear. That's the last thing I wanted
to do.

I can't believe it.

I'm losing my touch.

Iris Rouse turned me down.

I haven't had a knockback since.

1947. That was when those women with
short hair and comfortable

shoes...

And how are you today, you dear old
fellow?

All the better for seeing you, my
lovely.

Sit down.

Are you in tune with your cosmic
energies today?

Eh? Do you believe in the higher
dimensions of consciousness?

Beg your pardon?

Are you a follower of New Age
philosophy?

Well, I don't know.

How do they feel about lickovers?

Oh, hi. Yeah, is that the social column?

It is. Oh, good.

My name is Harvey Nigel Bain.

You've probably heard about me.

Polo player, international yachtsman,
frequent guest at Balmoral.

You haven't? Oh, well, no, yeah, it's
about your last issue. I see that on

six there's a photo of a group of
charming young people at the Save the

Millions charity ball.

Yes, that's the one where they're
chucking cake and vomiting over the

Yes, well, in the middle there is an
honourable Lucy Fenwick sign.

She's the one with the geranium in her
teeth and the minor roar squeezing her

left breast.

Well, it's just that Lucy and I happen
to be old chums and I was just wondering

whether you could give me her telephone
number.

I am not a common little oik.

Yes, come in.

Good morning, Geoffrey. What can I do
for you?

You've let him out. Who?

My dad.

This is not a prison, Geoffrey. The
inmates are allowed to come and go if

please.

Now, what's happening?

He's got a job.

What, as top loony in the local bin?

As a quality control expert at my firm.

Does he know anything about it? No.

He lied through his teeth and said I'd
vouch for his past experience.

Well, what do you expect me to do about
it? Tell him to pack it in.

Chain him up before he ruins the company
and I lose my job.

I have no influence over Tom.

Well, who has?

I wish I hadn't asked that question.

Quality control expert?

Yes. What do you know about quality
control?

I know what I like and I don't like the
mango yoghurts. I had a whole lorry load

condemned today.

It said they had the wrong pH count.

What's that?

I don't know.

Something they look for in swimming
pools, I think.

Tom! I'm also getting them to introduce
a programme of jobs for the elderly.

Oh, can you drive a forklift?

How about it, then, my little
chickadees? You should try transforming

essential spirit within to a more
ethereal... Oh, I'm very good at it. I

letters from satisfied plants.

We must transcend the bodily desires.

Oh, I give that to university.

I've got an M .A. in bodily functions.

Come on.

She's at it again.

For God's sake, Marion, this is an old
man.

Leave him alone.

He attacked me. Oh, don't be ridiculous,
Marion. Look at him. He couldn't harm a

fly. Really, you're ashamed of yourself.

Stop all this ravaging stranger's
nonsense.

I'll leave you alone for one minute and
you're back to your old ways.

Oh, God.

I think I need a drink. Me too.

Thirsty work, eh?

Come on, dear. Have to see Dan.

Well,

I think your job is wonderful, Tom. Just
goes to prove what me and Mr Barnum

have maintained all along.

There really is one born every minute.

Diane? Oh, hello, Geoffrey. I was just
talking about you.

Oh, Marion!

Peace and light.

Thank you, Diana. I wish to speak to my
father in private on a matter of extreme

urgency. Marion?

Oh, yes.

Diana, can I talk to you also in
private?

Name, rank and number, Tom. Nothing
else.

Right -o, Dickie.

I always call a Dickie after Mr
Attenborough, Dan. He got us all out of

you know. Dan, you have to give up this
job.

So, what's your problem, Marion?

Fog in your crystal ball?

Diana, I'm sure you are aware of the
evolution of the complex macromolecules

that go up to make this dear planet of
ours. Oh, my God.

The transformed self combined with the
synergy increase is the way to the

universal oneness. You've been listening
to too many dolphins.

Get to the point!

Your aura has taken on a purple tinge.

Are you constipated?

Why not?

Would you like to come down with me to
the Alternative Health Centre?

Wednesdays is the do -it -yourself
colonic irrigation day.

Marion, when I want to use a garden hose
for unnatural purposes, I will let you

know.

How about some nice aromatherapy?
Neither do I want to be covered in

smelly oils.

Camphor oil is wonderful for flatulence.
Do you mind?

And lavender oil will rid you of all
your boils, warts and verrucus.

What do you want?

It's about my fellow traveller.

Little Jeffy. You'd take more than
lavender oil to get rid of that little

His aura has come quite puce since Tom
got that job.

Oh, I see.

Forget it.

So you have to resign, Dad.

I mean, it's just not on.

In a couple of days they'll realise
you're totally bogus and the police will

called. You'll be sued, I'll be fired.

No money, get behind on the mortgage
payment, house repossessed.

We'll all have to move in here.

Oh, no, not that.

I quit. I quit.

Oh, no, you don't, Tom. You've got this
job on your own initiative.

God knows how, but I suppose if they
employ old slab brain here, they'll

anyone. Hush, Diana.

I have a wee idea which might solve all
our problems.

I thought you were supposed to be
getting her on our side.

Her morphogenetic field is full of
negative ions.

What does that mean? She's a cow.

Geoffrey, after careful consultation
with my business affairs advisor, I have

decided to agree to your request.

Oh, Dad, thank you.

But it's going to cost you. Oh, God, how
much?

I've dipped into my own pocket to get
the heating sorted out, and I have

informed the board. Now, no more.

Yes, that's very funny.

Very funny.

Harvey's still claiming the credit,
saying he's paying for the extra ten

heating.

Harvey, Geoffrey, what's the difference?
They're both rat droppings from behind

the old fridge of life.

I'm just sorry we had to bargain away
your job.

Never had a job anyway.

Well, you don't think anyone in their
right mind is going to take in some old

duffer who wanders in off the street, do
you? But Jeffrey was absolutely... Oh,

Jeffrey's a clod.

I told him I was working for his firm,
and he believed me.

But I believed you, too.

Me, too. I believe me.

I always believe me. Sometimes it gets
quite confusing.

I remember once telling a fellow I was a
brain surgeon, and the chappy next to

us fell down.

Brain tumour, everyone said.

Golly, I thought.

Just as well I'm a cracked brain
surgeon. So I pulled out my trusty

sawed off the top of his skull and
performed a very intricate 18 -hour

operation. There I was, up to my elbows
in grainy bits, machines, pumping,

nurses swabbing my mouth and brow.

Fortunately, the world went to chest,
and I'm about to live to 104. So it just

goes to show that positive thinking and
self -delusion really works.

Mind you, there was a time when I tended
to be a famous bullfighter, when, much

to my embarrassment, a very irate cow
came into the pub.