All language subtitles for vip_s04e05_south_by_southwest

We'll be right back.

She's right. Tyler played Sabretooth in
the X -Men flick. Yep, and it's

exciting, which makes it even more cool.

Pro -wrestling's fake, you know. What?
Well, Tosh, it might be staged, but you

still have to... No, you still got to be
in great shape in order to do all those

moves.

They do not teach the suplex in CIA
training.

Well, maybe they should.

There he is.

There, how do I look? Good?

Hey,

Val. Brought you guys a couple of
Sabretooth action figures.

Well, can your action figure be the...
Big action figures?

I don't know. They look pretty tough.

They are.

Tyler, Tasha Dexter. Nice to meet you.
This is Quick Williams.

How you doing?

I'm really glad you VIP guys could make
it.

Is there a problem we should know about,
big guy?

Couldn't be better.

We're a little confused about what you
need protection from. Oh, it's not me

that needs the protection.

You hired us. I know, but it's not me
that needs the protection.

Hey, I know you.

It's Tyler May.

Mr. Movie Star.

You must want an autograph.

You think you're tougher than me?

Here we go again. What'd you call me?

Nothing.

I just keep walking, man.

You're not so tough, man.

Let's see who the real man is.

In fact, you don't even look like a man
with that girly hair.

Don't even go there, man.

Trust me.

Go back to Canada, you hillbilly.

Okay, okay. Now he's just myself in
another Canada.

Take it easy.

I

really

hate when they do that.

The winner, once again, is Tyler May.

Well,

looks like Tyler isn't the one who needs
protection.

Apparently not.

The beautiful and lethal Valerie Irons.

Fluxed from obscurity to head an elite
Los Angeles bodyguard agency.

They know how to get things done.

You don't do it.

Hey, I'm real sorry for what happened
back at the bar. It's just that

I go, guys pick fights.

Well, those freaks so deserve it.

You ever heard of Just Say No? I tried.
There's this little voice in the back of

my head that says, go for it, Tyler.
Pound him, pound him, pound him.

Anyhow, that's why I hired VIP.

Well, sounds like you need a shrink, not
a bodyguard.

Got one.

Doc says I'm blocking something.

Well, I mean, everybody knows he's a
sabertooth.

Maybe a less menacing name would keep
you out of trouble.

Something like, um...

Kitten cakes.

Can we just stay focused on the issues
at hand if they're the ones in his head?

If you ask me, I think there's a simple
solution.

Get some of the security cam footage
from Foam showing Tyler kicking some

and post it on the Internet. That way,
nobody will mess with him. There's

already a whole website dedicated to
guys that I've pounded. It's like a

of honor to these losers.

Oh, my gosh.

He's right.

Get beat up by TylerMaine .com.

Gets a lot of hits.

Pun intended.

Well,

lucky for you guys, I have an incredible
plan.

I have a list of things that'll keep
Tyler out of trouble.

They are shopping for Beanie Babies,
renting a Pee Wee Herman movie, making

fluffernutter sandwiches, and planting
apple seeds.

Give them to the power driver. Val.

Tyler's already got a list.

Here's a list of appearances he's booked
for around Los Angeles.

Unfortunately, most of them will
probably get Tyler into more trouble.

Let's see here.

Signing autographs at prison.

Speaking at an auto mechanics
convention.

Let me see this.

Okay, here we go. This one doesn't look
so bad.

Appearance at a luncheon for the
Association of Women Voters.

Go figure, they're like interesting
speakers.

A bunch of middle -aged rich women?

Boring!

Exactly. No problem.

I'll do it for you.

Thank you. All right.

Okay, here we go. One, three.

One, two, three.

I'm your biggest fan, Tyler.

Actually, a lot of us here are fans.

I saw you fight a cage match in Vegas.

You did an amazing jackknife powerbomb.

Patricia,

what are you doing? Talking to someone a
lot more interesting than you.

You're Tyler Maine at Pro Wrestling
Clowns.

This pansy skips around in little
tights.

He's a joke.

What's your most zipper brace?

Hey, hey, hey, easy, easy. Come on, come
on.

Tyler, Tyler, calm down. I remember your
therapy, all right? Hey, take your

hands off my wife. All right, ladies,
that's enough.

Stopping to see here, ladies, please
keep it moving. I guess you can't resist

real man.

Okay, that's it. Come on. Come on, Ray.
Come on. Come on.

You better back up.

I don't pull my punches.

Ever see this Kessler guy?

No.

Good, that's me. Let's go. All right.
Right this way.

You won't believe this. I'm looking
right at Kessler.

You're sure it's him? He just left the
event, got in a limo with his name

on it.

It's him.

Wow. Six weeks of dead -end leave and
Kessler finally shows his face.

He's a lot bigger than I thought.

Get him.

I want him in here, find out what he
knows and who else knows it.

I don't want to see him die.

This is the only known photo of Fallon,
leader of the Red Coyote Militia Group.

They've been linked to seven terrorist
acts in the last month.

I've seen the dossier. We barely have
anything on them.

That changed when I created a phony
super agent.

It was a line on Fallon's organization.

Legendary FBI analyst.

Keeps a low profile, master of disguise.

Fallon's desperate to find Kessler
before he exposes Red Coyote.

What better way to ID his men than to
make them come to you?

Clever. You lure out Fallon's guys by
using a fake itinerary.

Looks like you have Kessler attending
all kinds of glam events.

Today I got him booked at the
Association of Women Voters Charity

I'd love to use a real agent. There's a
decoy over the top. Brass shot me down.

It's too dangerous.

Darman?

You're kidding.

Patch it through.

We've got a line on Stalin's phone
calls.

I don't believe this. I'm looking right
at Kessler. You sure it's him?

He just left the event and got in a limo
with his name marked on it.

It's him. Wow.

Six weeks of dead -end leads and Kessler
finally shows his face.

He's a lot bigger than I thought. Get
him.

I want him in here to find out what he
knows and who will to know.

I don't want to see him die.

I thought you said Kessler didn't exist.

The limo was a setup to make Kessler
reel the red coyote. Who the hell got in

the limo?

Well, I guess we better find out.

This guy might be just what I need.

Nicky's waiting outside to take Tyler to
his next appearance.

Let's hope it goes better than the last
one.

I can't believe the great Tasha Dexter
couldn't handle much of middle -aged

boating granny.

You weren't there, Val. So what out?

You should have listened to my theater
trouble activities.

Val, Tyler's got like bad chi. You know,
he attracts trouble everywhere he goes.

Well, not for long. I totally thanks
-weight him.

Showtime, Tyler!

These disguises are Val. No one
recognizes Tyler. No one bugs Tyler.

Well, she's got a point, Tasha.

If I go back to wrestling, this is so my
new gimmick.

And I can be a new manager. You know
what? You can be the Wall Street Pimp.

are only green and gold. The color money
and the color honey.

Who believes it? We just walked through
a charity carnival with a packed house,

and nobody challenged Tyler.

Thousands of guys rocked.

Actually, it's a little uncomfortable.

Fine. You can tell her that when she
gets back with the frappuccinos.

Meanwhile, it saved your ass.

Nice try, Kessler.

He's in disguise.

But I'm sure that's the guy we tailed
from the office.

Let's get him.

Well, I guess now we know who needs
protection.

Guys, this has got to be some kind of
coincidence.

Doesn't make a lot of sense.

For Benjamin fans and hot -to -top
ladies, it's one thing.

These guys were pro -hitters.

It's not like VIP doesn't have a share
of the job of the Hutts looking for

revenge. No, no, no. They definitely
said get him when they came after us.

but I was in disguise.

Which just means that they followed you
from our HQ.

Well, it's a big jump to think it's
Tyler they're after just because the guy

said him.

Guys! Do you think I could just hang out
here like this all day?

Okay, my frappuccinos are turning into
mud pies.

Val, we're coming.

Well, there's one way to find out.

One of us can go with Val and the rest
of us can go with Tyler.

See who the bad guys follow.

Simple enough.

So, uh... Who wants to go with Val?

I'm going to have to go speak all
myself.

Then I have to pee every five minutes on
the way home.

Rock, paper, scissors?

Okay. See you, Tyler.

Break the leg.

Someone else's leg.

I'm telling you, this Kessler, he has
his own protection.

VIP. Yeah, at least we're on the right
track.

Kessler must be a real FBI mucky -muck
to raid his own private bullet catchers.

What do we do?

You stick to him.

When the time is right, I'll come in and
take him down myself.

Here's your Kessler.

Tyler Main, the pro wrestler.

A freaking civilian.

A freaking civilian's going to bring us
commendations.

What's better than a fake agent that no
one ever sees?

Well?

A real guy the Red Coyotes think is
Kessler, but Darmann.

Using civilians?

It's something that we do for the good
of our country.

In fact, I want to be there when Fallon
shows his face.

How do you know he will?

For a chance to nail Kessler, Fallon
would short -sheet his own grandmother.

Just make sure his guys don't lose the
trail.

These VIPs can be tricky.

Oh, my God, you are a little fuzzy
there. Now, Max and I can totally take

of that when we get home.

It's an Italian thing.

I'm already on to him. He's followed us
for the last three turns.

What do you mean?

Max, what?

You're absolutely parallel.

I'm tired of you looking at my tailpipe.

Hey, Val, it's me.

Remember? I took you for a ride in my
electric car.

Oh, yeah. Hey, EV1 guy.

Where's your EV1?

You know this guy?

Yeah. Remember? I was stuck in the
middle of traffic when I got kidnapped

that wacky cult thing.

He was my knight in environmentally
friendly armor.

Little EV's recharging. That's my boss's
car. He wanted me to get it washed, but

then I saw you, and I found this in EV,
and I thought it might be yours. Oh, I

think you think bracelet.

It was broken, so I... I fixed it. Oh,
that is so sweet.

That is so sweet. So you've been
following me around trying to give this

me this whole time?

Uh -huh.

That's sweet. That's really nice. Thank
you, Evie One Guy.

Stop following me, okay?

You don't think she means it? I do.

It's really nice you guys to follow me
around and make sure I'm safe.

That's what we do.

Okay, let's see these bad guys that are
following us start shooting us again.

What then?

Well, we give them our version of the
flying elbow.

It's called flying lead.

Yeah, but couldn't that be a little
dangerous?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're not afraid, are you?

Well, not emotionally. Come on, you're a
Tyler Maine.

Sabretooth. Huh?

Fearless.

That's not what my shrink says.

This thing that I'm blocking, she thinks
it's something that I'm afraid of

doing.

Like what?

I don't know, maybe getting shot at?

Help! Get out!

Quentin!

Nope, that didn't bother me too much.

Quentin, keep your head down.

Here they come.

That'll buy us some time. Let's go.

I think the bad guys were behind us.
Yeah, but something high -powered with a

large caliber can flunk us.

Whoa, that was sick.

That didn't scare me. Did it scare you?
No, no, no. I'm cool.

That scared me.

That just slowed him down a little.

Good.

We've got to make sure the red coyotes
stay on Kessler's tail.

Follow him closely.

Don't move in until we know Fallon's
with them.

It's already happening.

We're going to need some alternative
wheels fast.

Good morning.

Are you Jewish?

No, but the big man here is close
personal friends with Goldberg. You know

Bill Goldberg, the wrestler who started
his WCW career with a 176 -match winning

streak?

Exactly. Come, let's pray together.

The Greek theater is a wonderful venue.
We're hosting our sundown saboteur.

That's great, man. I love it, man. Look,
I just got to keep it real with you for

a second. I need to borrow your fly
ride, huh? Just for a second. Don't

I'll bring it right back. Ooh, love to
pay us, huh? See? Me, you, brothers.

Model top.

Stay sweet, baby.

I don't know who that was, but he just
took Moti's van.

Are you Jewish?

You all right back there?

I think we're going to have to help the
passengers back here.

I have no money.

We only ask people to pray, not to
donate.

What'd you say?

I told him he looked like a guy I used
to know in the Israeli army.

You and Israeli Army?

Maybe.

So when do we give them the flying
elbow?

Not with a civilian around. The best
plan is to get you to safety, and then

regroup with Nicky and Johnny.

Cool.

Excuse me for five minutes.

I need to pray. Would anyone care to
join me? No?

Fine.

All right.

I can't get a cell line out.

We're miles from anywhere.

You know what? They'd see the van even
if we did try to escape.

I don't think that's going to be an
issue.

The police found Tasha's car abandoned
with the keys in the ignition and a hole

in the tire.

Well, they should have checked in with
us by now.

Tyler must have gotten them in some
serious trouble.

What's with the candles?

Val made a shrine for Tyler, wishing him
a safe return.

You know, personal effects sometimes
have a connection to the owner.

Ooh.

Good thing not everyone is as
environmentally aware as VIP.

Okay, I got a bunch of dip twigs. Now
what?

Well, normally we set motion sensors
around the perimeter. Yeah, and where'd

get those? In the trunk of your
Mercedes?

Really?

Really.

But instead we get poor man sensors.

Come on, I'll show you.

Okay.

Bad guys step on knees, we hear them.

How about a test?

What?

What? Were they here?

Do that again.

Oh, my God.

What?

What?

What?

Hey.

It's just that when I was a kid, I used
to...

Never mind, you'll laugh. Come on, come
on, come on. It's just us guys.

Hi. And Tasha.

I can take it.

I used to tap dance, okay?

Hey, it's a manly art.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

Yeah, well, I really loved it. I got
really good at it.

I got invited to the Junior National Tap
Competition.

Well, that's cool.

Yeah, well, my friends didn't think so.
They teased the crap out of me.

Called me sissy boy.

I blew off the contest and hung up my
tap shoes for good.

The kids can be harsh, man.

I wonder why I didn't realize it until
now.

Maybe you blocked it out. You know, like
what your shrink said.

Well, you're right.

You don't even cost a couple hundred
bucks an hour.

It also might explain why you body slam
any dude who challenges you.

To pay back for your friends teasing
you.

Well, it all makes sense to me now
Thanks guys, I'm really gonna

sleep good tonight I'll take the first
watch

What do you want with that?

I'm FBI.

Sasha.

It's me.

Agent Darman, you remember?

Who are you? By the way, I am authorized
to pay you $20 ,000 a day.

Do you have any idea what this stuff is
worth on the open market?

Enough to buy a lot of ugly Hawaiian
shirts?

About $10 million last time we checked.
Don't worry, I'm happy with my federal

retirement plan.

Protection? From what?

Me.

We're the good guys.

Put down the gun.

The guy almost wasted you.

You're welcome.

I invented a fake agent named Kessler.
I've been using him as a decoy to draw

out the Red Coyotes.

Clever, but it still doesn't explain why
they think he's Tyler.

I booked our Kessler in several high
-profile appearances throughout L .A.

Then I leaked the itinerary.

Association of Women Voters Charity
Luncheon.

You knew Tyler had been ID'd as Kessler
and you didn't tell us.

I couldn't risk exposing the operation.

You put our client in unnecessary
danger. That's low, even for you,

Well, one thing we know. You didn't come
all the way out here to apologize.

You want something from us.

Tyler has to remain as Kessler.

Forget it.

It's the only way I can bust Red
Coyote's leader.

Tyler's got another engagement. Get
lost.

Wait a second. I want to play Kessler.

Tyler, these military guys are hardcore.

I mean, it's not like you wrestling Hulk
Hogan in a cage match.

Is it possible I could get my head blown
off?

I'll be honest with you, Mr. Maine.

That is well within the realm of
possibility.

Well, in that case, I'm your guy.

Whoa.

Tyler, I think you bounced your skull
off the post one too many times.

Don't you see this is my chance to
finally do something that's real?

And do some good for your country.

Rip it, Darman.

Look, I wasted all this energy getting
into useless fights because I was picked

on as a kid. I gotta do this.

We're not letting you walk around with a
target on your back.

I hired you guys for protection when I
wasn't even in danger. And now that I

you're gonna walk out on me?

Well. Guess it's settled.

Tyler has one last appearance as
Kessler.

That's in VIP's own backyard.

Your favorite bar.

Phone.

Just took down one of our local
contacts.

Kessler's scheduled to make one more
appearance, then he heads back to

Washington.

Got that club on the beach.

Phone.

I think it's time we sat down and had a
little talk with Mr. Kessler.

to the first annual Celebrity Talent
Contest.

All proceeds will benefit the Los
Angeles People's Clinic.

Cool to go through with this? Yeah.

I got your back, brother.

We're at the entrance.

Nothing yet.

Val and Nikki look like a lot to win the
talent competition.

Remember what Fallon said.

We scope out the place.

Let him know where Kessler's sitting and
keep VIP off his back.

including Sonny Chair.

We got you coming.

No, no, no. Come on. Sit down.

What are you doing?

Sit down, you idiot. Come on, man.
You've got to sit down.

I've got to dance.

Alan won't show his hand. Kessler's got
everyone looking at him.

Hey!

Hey! William, damn it. You're supposed
to be hand -holding. Get that maniac

in his seat.

He's your buddy.

I know it's unusual, but since it's for
a good cause, can I please join you?

All right, guys, give us some room.

Ship champ?

You've been plaguing me all my life.

I finally feel alive.

You know what, Squirt?

I think I was kind of enjoying myself.

Keep your eyes open for some red -tie
hootie types.

You want me, pal?

Stand up when I'm talking to you.

All right, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Hey, keep it up or not!

Oh, my God.

Val, he's an old man. That's, like, so
mean.

I'm not talking about his age. I'm
talking about his game.

That's such an adaptation.

And it's not a movie producer or a
wannabe actor or something like that.

Val, that's him.

Boogie, it's Rick. It's Val.

Oh, no.

Everyone's going to panic. It's going to
be a stampede. It's going to be like a

melee. Everyone's going to freak out.
And it's going to be like one of those

hooligan soccer games where we travel to
death.

Val, there's 50 people. We've got to
cover Tyler.

Witnessing here is all part of the
acting, not about your secretion. We're

to be here for a long ride.

We got to get you off stage, man.

Hey, don't even ask, man. I couldn't
stop if I wanted to.

Well, you risked your life to help us
nail this dirtbag.

Your country's in debt.

Well, it has been some time, Tyler.

Left in the outback by the hot seeds,
recruited by the FBI, and figuring out

what's been bugging you all these years.

I tell you, it doesn't get much better
than that, does it?

Wrong. It doesn't get much better than
this.

His booty in a talent contest.

Yep. The Tyler and Quick for the bomb.

You know, Maxwell's going to manage it.
We're going to call you Big Heels and

the Magic Toe.

Wow, that sounds great, as long as I'm
not the Big Heel.

No, we're going to take us on the road.
We're going to go to Vegas, Atlantic

City, all the big ones. We're going to
Bronco, Missouri, because you know, the

Osmonds own that place, so that's
totally dialed in.

We're going to have a tour bus with pink
flames, a retractable stripper pole,

and a jacuzzi.

And Kate could do the website.

Thanks, Val. I'll think about it.

Quick, how come you never told us that
you were the, like, lean, mean, you

tapping machine?

Yeah, someone's in denial. Hey, hey, I'm
proud of my feet.

I mean, you know, you guys just never
asked me about my secret talent.

We're asking.

All right, well, I didn't have the chops
to sing in a church choir, so I did the

Honeycoes, Nicholas Brothers, Hoofers,
Copasthetics, Mojangles thing instead.

You know what?

VIP's secret talent could be the opening
act.

Okay. What are our secret talents?
Think, think, think.

Well, I can stab time.

You can? That is so zen. Do it, do it.

I just did.

Started up again.

You know what?

I could shoot a burst of fire out of my
butt using baking soda and a lighter.

Want to see? Oh, my God, Mel.

Please. That's hot.

I'm just kidding. Duh.

Wow. We got three -ring circus of talent
right here. This is great.

Tosh could be the bearded lady.

What are you going to do, Val?

Well, one of my many talents, I can hum
the national anthem while operating

heavy machinery.

Now that is talent.

That is talent. I'll fix it up.