All language subtitles for vip_s02e21_lights_camera_val

Rod Bernstein is the hottest director.

Nikki says it's full of hot air.

Well, Nikki obviously didn't see the E!
special hosted by Jewel Kasnett for the

whole one hour.

So, uh, who are we bodyguarding him
from?

Nothing, that's the thing. We just have
to carry a can of film.

That's it? Yeah, no biggie.

Listen, hey, I'm late for a meeting with
Mel Gibson, okay?

You have something my employers want.

Everyone wants what I got. Talent.

Last week I made Skywalker Ranch. George
gets on his knees and says, Rod, baby,

I need you to direct episode two.

I'm like, chill, G. Throw in some gross
points and Natalie Portman's home phone

number. Then we'll talk.

Where's the film, Abe?

I don't have it. Honest, man. I don't
have it.

Well, then you're coming with me. Some
people want to talk to you. No, no.

Turbo!

You big dope.

This is the meeting spot.

Where is he?

Well, you know, Bernstein's a very busy
guy. He's a mover and shaker.

That's him! That's God!

He's moving and shaking, all right.

You guys okay?

What? Don't we look okay?

I was just a girl working at a hot dog
stand when a movie star asked me out on

date. I happened to save his life, and
so in order to save his life, he told

everybody that I'm a professional
bodyguard.

Which, of course, I am not. Trust me. So
then I was asked to be a figurehead at

a bodyguard agency, and they said I'd
never have to use any weapons or be in

danger. And I always am.

Yeah, right, right. But look, just have
your people call my people, all right?

All right. Ciao, baby.

Bruckheimer wants me to do Armageddon 2.
The guy won't stop sweating.

I love that movie.

Hey, come on. How can I comment at Earth
again?

It doesn't. This time the Earth gets
knocked out of its orbit and crashes

Mars. I'll definitely see that.

That makes no sense.

A $200 million budget makes all the
sense I need.

Welcome to our client's house.

It's original.

I'll say that. Well, that's because I
always got to be in motion, you know?

Keeps me fresh.

There's probably a jacuzzi in there.

My man, think you could hold on to this
for me?

If it rings like this, that's my mom.
Tell her I'm busy. She bugs me.

If it rings like this, well, that's my
agent. Big deal.

Take a message.

And if it rings like this, well, that's
my massage therapist. Tell her to heat

up the oil and I'll be there in two
minutes.

I... Look, I don't think anyone's going
to call you today, okay?

Now, Tasha, he's all yours.

I'll stand guard.

Jimmy Hendrix originally owned this rig.

I overpaid for it, but as you can see,
it had sentimental value.

Really, it says right there that it was
built in 1985.

Didn't Jimmy die in 1970?

Couldn't tell you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Handle the merchandise.

That's Alvin. He came with the bus.

He's a real authentic slacker.

Plus, he's mute.

Oh, no.

What's he videotaping?

Well, Alvin's chronicling my life for
the making of behind -the -scenes story.

But you're not filming a movie now.

Not technically, no. But this is all
part of the process.

Whatever film I make next, this is the
making of it.

Hi.

So what about that guy threatening you?

Worked with some plastic surgeons who
funded a movie I made before I became

boppo box office.

I sank a mill into production, shot some
film, then I landed the big nasty.

Doc's film got moved to the back burner.

End of story.

Except for you never delivered the
million dollar movie.

Well, I gave the footage to my ex -gal
pal Carly.

Not to worry.

She's going to turn the film in to me
tomorrow.

Oh. So you just need us to stick around
until tomorrow and make sure no one

breaks your kneecaps or kicks you in the
shin.

Right. Now, Carly's M .I .A., but the
doorman at Sky Bar says she's dating

Demetrius Washington.

The filmmaker?

We're going to meet him at my storage
facility.

No, I just showed a doctor with you. I'm
not going to go to some stupid alley

with orange roll -up doors.

Val, it's going to be so hot.

Nikki, pink team's punching out.

Send the reserves.

Welcome to paradise.

Hey.

Bad move, Nimrod.

Ease off, killer.

Do you guys beat up everyone you meet?

You know this clown?

That's Lance, the bouncer from our
party.

Excuse me, Lance.

Two bills a month is cheaper than a
night at a hotel.

You know the best part?

After the party's over, no cleanup. Just
roll down the door and move on.

Oh, hey.

Shake it. Don't break it. It took your
mama nine months to make it.

Get lost.

Yo, yo, yo.

Zero chance.

As if I want one.

We're looking for a 10 -20 on Carly.

Right now?

We'll find her an archery practice in
Palisades Park.

You could drive yourself, Hot Rod.

Too many people around.

I'll tail them.

Just do it. Don't worry.

I'll complete the job.

Yes, I love new car gift packages.

It's my new ride.

Carly wanted the lead role in The Big
Nasty.

Studio said Ixnay. She was already too
old.

That is so Hollywood.

Yeah, I know.

Sometimes this place just thickens me.

What was I saying?

How much Hollywood thickens you.

Yeah.

Thickening.

Uh, hey, Val.

Uh, I think we're being followed.

Of course we are, Tasha and Johnny. Tell
us where we go. Well, do Tasha and

Johnny drive a big, clunky, blackout van
like that one?

You know what? I saw one of these cars
in a James Bond movie. I'm sure they

some gadgets somewhere that'll help us
out here.

Thank you.

Okay,

this is the casting session, right? So
here's what I don't get.

Rob's not actually making a movie, is
he?

We're complaining.

Do you?

One more time, sweetheart.

And action.

Oh, you do that really nice.

Yeah.

Ooh.

And scene.

Oh, that was.

Totally believed you as a cocktail
waitress. You had it totally down.

That's Jackie.

Don't listen to her, okay?

She's my casting director. She's just
having a bad day, okay? Now, I promise.

We're going to find you something, okay?

All right, Miss Lady.

Oh.

Oh. That's 23 girls you promised
speaking parts to.

Look.

I plan on being in this business a long
time. Four or five years minimum.

They'll all get a chance to work with a
Rotterino at some point.

Listen, I hate to interrupt your
Sundance Channel moment, but is the man

$1 million that you owe?

Or is it $3 million?

Do you not like girls? Is that the
problem?

You know, in China, we have a name for
people like you.

Wait a minute.

Are you calling me a liar?

What if I am?

Alvin, instant replay.

Roll film.

Like

I

said. I did sink a million to that film.

I never said how much the doctor gave
me.

And the other two million?

Lifestyle. Part of my creative process.

So after casting, we go see Carly and
get the doctor to film. Okay?

Fine.

As long as you start being straight with
us.

Hi, guys.

I'll just go off the phone with Kay.

Pacific Electric Motors says you've had
the Mercedes out a little too long for a

test drive. They want it back.

I'll tell you what.

Well, I never said I bought the car.

I'm ready for my archery class.

I sold it to Chick Morris for $50 ,000.

You gave that sleazeball producer my
film for a lousy $50 ,000? I sank a

into that movie, not to mention the
blood, sweat, and talent.

You were on the set two days.

The hardest two days I ever worked?

Carly, how could you?

You know why, loser.

Oh, yeah, you're just mad because he
didn't put you in the big nasty.

So get over it. Is that what he told
you?

I dumped his sorry ass because I caught
him with my best friend.

All we were doing was talking.

Nobody believes me.

You know, I was really pissed at you,
Rod, but I've worked through it.

Just right here.

Just relax.

Okay.

Throw the arrow back.

Breathe.

Close your eyes.

Visualize the target.

And release.

Thank you.

We were just looking for an investment
opportunity with this Bernstein guy.

Maybe a write -off. We did not sign on
for this whole violence thing.

Fine. But he's hired Valerie Iron's
protection.

I gotta step it up.

Wait a minute. You said write -off.

If this movie were never made, and we
were to write it off, then couldn't we

recoup most of our initial investment?

Most of it.

But why not get the three mil, too?

Kovac, make sure that movie never sees
the light of day.

Yeah, and while you're at it, get our
three mil.

Do whatever you have to, okay?

Violence is fine.

Just double my Infinity Cools red scene,
we'll fix it in post.

Listen, you hacker, I'm with the first
dead body on page two, not ten.

I pre -sold those breasts in 27
countries.

Nude scene means nude.

Come on, let's check Mars.

Hello, Your Majesty.

Oh, the beautiful, lethal Valerie Irons.
I have the perfect starring vehicle for

you. Really?

Titanic 3 in 3D.

Oh, shoot, I missed number two.

Uh, Val, they haven't made part two.

That's the genius of it.

Interested? Sure, send me a script.

Oh, oh, yeah, um, this is Rod Bernstein,
and we would really like his movie

back. Oh, sorry.

That film's a keeper.

You watched it? Not one frame.

Okay, then, um, we'll just give you the
50 grand that you paid Carly for it.

50 grand?

Carly gave it to me for two grand and
one line part in my last film.

Oh, good. We'll just give you the two
grand then.

Do you, um, take plastic?

I don't know. What's your credit limit
like?

See, now it's worth a million.

I thought you said you haven't watched
it. It's worth a million because you

it so badly.

So watch it and let's deal.

It might blow chunks.

In that case, I'll take two million for
wasting my time.

This is ridiculous.

Rod.

Okay? Mr. Big Shot, all right, I need
the film. You got the girls in the

Can you just give me my film? Is that a
problem? You got the goatee, you got a

hairy chest and all, but I need my film.

Our client is in real danger, and we
need that movie back.

Fine.

We'll deal with this like normal human
beings.

Arm wrestling!

Winner gets the film.

I have to warn you.

I've been known to amputate arms all
over the planet.

So, you're going down, sucker.

Ready?

Deck!

Razzle!

That was easy.

You need a little more protein powder.

This is Hollywood.

Nothing's fair.

The Texas Chainsaw Mascara?

Now this looks like a good script. I can
tell from the title. I don't even have

to read it.

This is going to be a great movie.

So I have an idea.

Why don't we have Rod direct this one
for you in exchange for his film?

You've got yourself a deal.

Billy! Yes?

Stick a film can marked Rod Bernstein
and get over here to the Yacht Club.

chop.

Why doesn't the guy just give me the
film? What is the problem with him?

Mr.

Chick, Mr. Chick, I got the film.

Billy's going to Davy Jones' locker
unless we do something.

Billy! Amanda Chick!

John!

Well,

take care of the film.

Let's grab Bernstein.

Not done with you.

Take care of him.

Not you. The guys on the shore wanted
you.

We've got to find the man who's after
you.

You have a name?

I don't know.

Herpes Medical Group. Something like
that. I couldn't find the listing

It can't be herpes. That's gross.

Are you sure you don't mean Hermes?

Yeah, that guy.

Hermes was a Greek mythological figure
who carried a wand called the caduceus,

which has become the symbol of the
medical profession.

Corporations frequently change their
name for tax purposes, but they keep

logo to save money.

Aha! Here it is.

Brentwood Reconstructive and Cosmetic
Surgical Group of California, Inc.

A professional corporation.

That's so plain vanilla.

Herpes was better.

Kay, can you work up a couple college
diplomas on that thing?

I guess.

But why?

Because I'm going in.

And I'm going to need just the right
person to go with me.

Dr. Honeycutt, the doctors will see you
now.

Oh, this is my chauffeur, Taylor.

I don't go anywhere without him.

You have a chauffeur?

Yes. I'm very successful.

You don't want me driving by myself, do
you? When I could be saving lives right

in the back of my very big car?

I'm sorry, but the doctors are extremely
private.

Oh, yes, I understand.

I understand. Um, did I leave?

I'll come back for you to go out and
pick.

Okay?

Ah, Dr. B .J. Honeycutt.

From the looks of your resume, we'd be
lucky to have you as an associate here

BRCFGC.

Ah, here we are. So, I guess you'd like
me to give a consultation.

If you don't mind.

This is Mr. Jones, who came to see us
about an elongation prosthesis.

Yes, I can, um, I can see why.

Yes, hmm.

Hmm.

Oh, yes.

Doctor, I...

Prosthesis? It's not like I've been a
doctor for five minutes.

I can do any procedure.

Oh, dear.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Kovac couldn't scare up a Democrat to
save the Wales rally.

to do the trick.

Just do it.

Now, where were we?

Oh, looky here. I have to go to theater
star and I have an emergency

validectomy. Bye.

They said I'm sending in the tomahawk.

I think they want to scalp him.

So enjoy it while you can.

Can you say something?

Yeah, nice hair.

Thanks.

The Tomahawk is a type of guided
missile.

That's how they're going to do the job.

There's another possibility.

Tomahawk is counterintelligence code for
collections, man.

Gold, munitions, sensitive documents.

Sometimes they have to send an expert in
there behind enemy lines to get that

stuff back.

So the Doc's hired some kind of super
-duper repo man.

Repo man?

You guys stop sweating this Mercedes
thing.

Hey, where's Elvis?

So, Mr.

Tomahawk, is it?

You think you've got what it takes?

You'll have to assume so.

And why is that?

Because if I give you a demonstration,
you'll be dead.

This guy's a lot of talk.

Kovac, why don't you shut up, okay?

Because, you know, considering that you
failed, I'd say we're being fairly

generous. You think so?

Yeah. Guess what? Okay.

I'm renegotiating.

So you're the toughest mofo around, is
that it?

In a word, yes.

Gentlemen.

I believe that entire fee is now
available.

Correct?

Yes, it is.

Excellent. Now then, as for your Mr.

Bernstein, I've generally found the best
way to separate a deadbeat from his

money is give him plenty of time to
realize he's going to die.

What are you doing?

It's poker night.

Now, which one of these do you think is
more masculine?

Have you been paying attention, huh?

People are trying to kill you. I know
that. I know that.

But it's poker night. Enough.

Okay?

Why, huh?

You tell me. Tell me why.

Why what?

Why does money turn people like you into
such jerks?

I'm going to drive the bus.

I can't stay here. It's too dangerous.

Hey, Johnny, wait, wait.

Look, I know.

I know I'm a jerk.

Trying so hard to be cool all the time.

But you got to understand, that's how
you have to be out here.

No matter how good you think you are,
every five minutes, someone new and

comes along.

So you at least try to be cool.

You know what my real name is?

You mean it's not Rod Bernstein?

Wish.

It's Rodney Irving Goggle.

See?

Not everyone can have a cool name like
Johnny Lowe.

My real name is Lowe to Charlie Cecil.

Thanks, man.

Thanks for sharing.

So, uh, you never answered me.

Do you like girls or what?

I mean, because you can tell me. I mean,
why do I bother?

Ah, there's my driver.

I couldn't keep him in the closet any
longer.

Come on, Alvin, let's hit it. Hit the
road.

The guy's gonna get three million out of
you, dead or alive.

I don't know about that. I'm in pretty
good hands here.

Really? How fast you going?

How fast?

Uh, 52 and counting.

Excellent. Is that little light blinking
on the dashboard?

I put that in myself.

That's nice.

Go below 50 and the light stops
blinking.

You'll have three seconds to think about
what a gum -sucking deadbeat you've

been.

Are you sure there's going to be enough
time?

That's all you get.

Then come boom.

Unless you, uh, change your mind and
come up with the money.

We'll be in touch.

This is so sweet. Doesn't anybody in
Hollywood have an original spot?

I quit.

Oh, my God, he's fucked.

The whole time of this whole event thing
has totally shocked him and he got his

vocal cords back. I talked fine.

I just didn't have anything to say.

Um, uh, uh, uh.

Oh, yeah.

and told them that there's a bomb on
Rod's butt.

They called Nicky.

Ray, we should hit the explosion any
minute.

Let's attack the problem from the other
end. I've narrowed down the list of ex

-CIA repo men to four in this part of
the globe.

Okay?

Triangulate the location of Tomahawk's
last call.

You sure you don't want me to take over
the wheel?

Did Keanu Reeves take over for Senator
Bullock?

No, because us women are very cautious
drivers, okay? We know where we're going

at all times.

I can't believe you could always talk.

Why bother trying around you?

Okay, guys, I'm in position.

He's dropping in.

Thanks. Okay, you guys, this is not a
date.

Let's go ahead.

There's our guy.

What? I thought maybe you were calling
for a bus.

Come on on.

Good luck.

I thought you were unarmed.

I lied.

How's it

going?

Not so good.

The electronics on this rig are more
upstate than I expected.

If this bus dated back to Jimi Hendrix,
I'm the Virgin Mary.

Okay, so maybe it was Lenny Kravitz.
Same vibe. You know what I mean.

There's a switching interface on the
roof. The problem is we need to

both ends simultaneously.

Have fun up there.

It's a one -shot deal.

I know.

Give me the tools.

Just in case we don't make it out of
this.

Okay. Sorry, I asked.

Go team Adderall.

Freeze, me!

You're so much as smooth.

No problem.

That's for not playing fair.

That's for being a pain in my ass.

You not fold out. You not fold out.

They were in jail, but versed these
important scenes.

As for your Mr.

Bernstein, I've generally found the best
way to separate a deadbeat from his

money is give him plenty of time.

I'm tired.

I have to urinate.

I'm sorry.

Hey, Alvin!

Watch out, Spielberg. Alvin's in the
house.

Pretty creative use of police evidence.

Alvin's movie did way more than put two
doctors in the big house.

He's directing the sequel to The Big
Best.

Boy, I thought that was Rod's next
project.

Nope. He's directing the Texas Chainsaw
Mascara.

And there's a really good part in here
for Tasha. Let me see.

Yes, it's the mutated freak number
three.

Hurry, get my chainsaw so I can trim the
hedges and shave my legs.

What now?

You never told me how you knew what
green wire to cut.

Well, um, ancient Chinese secret.

Oh, come on then, King. You know your
secret's safe with me.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I, um... I guess.