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1
00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:06,720
Good morning, VIP.
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00:00:07,820 --> 00:00:09,200
One moment.
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00:00:09,860 --> 00:00:11,360
Val, it's Jay Leno.
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00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:12,660
He wants to speak to you.
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00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:14,739
Hey, Jay.
6
00:00:14,740 --> 00:00:15,740
How you doing?
7
00:00:15,860 --> 00:00:18,680
You know what? Last night's show was so
funny, I choked on a piece of caramel
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corn.
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00:00:20,340 --> 00:00:21,720
No, no, no. I don't need to be harmless.
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Thanks.
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00:00:23,420 --> 00:00:24,420
Uh, sure.
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Yeah. Anything for you.
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00:00:27,140 --> 00:00:28,460
Okay. We'll be there. Bye.
14
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What did he want?
15
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He wants us to take a friend of his,
Priscilla, to Sacramento.
16
00:00:35,910 --> 00:00:37,710
Sacramento's not exactly right around
the corner.
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00:00:38,290 --> 00:00:41,850
Well, you know, Jay's a pal, so... What
do you got against Sacramento?
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00:00:52,250 --> 00:00:54,830
Here's your pit stop, Newsom. Don't try
anything funny.
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00:00:55,330 --> 00:00:58,010
I take a leak right here, and you want
to come unzip me.
20
00:01:03,390 --> 00:01:05,030
Up against the farm. Now.
21
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I was just a girl working at a hot dog
stand when a movie star asked me out on
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date. I happened to save his life, and
so in order to save his life, he told
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00:02:11,590 --> 00:02:13,690
everybody that I'm a professional
bodyguard.
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Which, of course, I am not. Trust me.
But then I was asked to be a figurehead
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a bodyguard agency, and they said I'd
never have to use any weapons or be in
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danger. And I always am.
27
00:03:26,350 --> 00:03:29,390
Your office is so much better this year,
but this fresh paint is giving me a
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headache. Total think -a -rama.
29
00:03:30,850 --> 00:03:32,250
No open flames in the building.
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Come on, these are incense candles.
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Hello?
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If they're not on, I'm going to fart.
33
00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:38,830
Well, you're going to sit down with the
smoke alarms if they're not on. Yeah, so
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00:03:38,830 --> 00:03:40,350
Nikki does every second day, all right?
All right, listen.
35
00:03:40,870 --> 00:03:44,350
These violate our building code, all
right? We could get evicted. You are
36
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worrywart. Why don't you just follow the
rules?
37
00:03:46,370 --> 00:03:47,870
Why do you always make them up as you go
along?
38
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All right, listen. I'm going to put them
on myself.
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00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:58,820
gonna have to go through me first okay
i'll send them down ladies ladies
40
00:03:58,820 --> 00:04:03,980
i hate to interrupt but quick and nikki
are downstairs ready to head to mbc and
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00:04:03,980 --> 00:04:10,960
the vip you are so lucky i could have
deheaded you hey jay
42
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:15,020
how you doing hey val you look great how
you doing good good you mentioned
43
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something about a transport mr leno oh
yeah listen i want to hire vip to drive
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priscilla up to cal state sacramento
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The lovely Priscilla. You are lovely.
Actually, that's Williams. That is
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correct. Over here.
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No,
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no, no. This is Priscilla. You see, my
great -aunt Trudy left her to me in her
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will, and, well, I'm going to auction it
off as a big charity thing at a car
50
00:04:37,190 --> 00:04:38,650
show. Very generous of you, Jay. Yeah,
yeah.
51
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God, 59 T -Bird. I'm going to open this
baby up.
52
00:04:43,330 --> 00:04:44,490
Is this a four -barrel?
53
00:04:45,050 --> 00:04:45,869
Uh, yeah.
54
00:04:45,870 --> 00:04:47,190
Val, can I see you, please?
55
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Listen, I don't prefer if you handle
this one yourself. Maybe take, uh, take
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Tasha with you.
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00:04:54,370 --> 00:04:55,370
Oh,
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uh. Is there a problem? No, it's fine.
59
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Mr. Leno, I think, um, well, fine,
valid.
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Huh? Is there something uncomfortable?
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00:05:01,270 --> 00:05:04,590
Of course. It's okay, fine, fine. Good,
good. Now, listen, Aunt Trudy was kind
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of an eccentric. Now, she had some
rules, but they're right here.
63
00:05:07,090 --> 00:05:08,270
They're all right here.
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00:05:08,590 --> 00:05:12,190
Now, in your spare time, just go through
these, read them, study them, and
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00:05:12,190 --> 00:05:13,190
you'll be all set, okay?
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00:05:13,550 --> 00:05:15,130
Now, I'm flying up to Sacramento
tomorrow.
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00:05:15,530 --> 00:05:17,430
I'll be there about noon. I'll see you
guys then.
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00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:19,160
Remember the rules, okay?
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00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:21,820
Thank you.
70
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:24,520
Okay, guys, listen to this.
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No smoking. Well, that's cool. No
eating. That's a brick. No hitchhikers.
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use the brights. Never drive in the
passing lane. Don't use the windshield
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wipers. Don't slam the doors. Don't use
the radio.
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Oh, that's one. Priscilla doesn't like
loud noises.
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00:05:36,700 --> 00:05:41,000
Don't touch the mirrors. Use premium gas
and never, ever drive over 36 miles per
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hour. Priscilla is very sensitive.
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There's just one more. Aunt Judy's
sacred rule.
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Do not open the glove compartment.
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Glove compartment.
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Big bozo no -no.
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00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:53,680
Well, that's a nice easy gig.
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No stalkers, no psychopaths.
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00:05:58,100 --> 00:05:59,160
You guys smell that?
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What?
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Road trip.
86
00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,820
We've got a beautiful hotel in Big Sur.
87
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:08,760
Well, this isn't an overnight trip,
okay?
88
00:06:40,270 --> 00:06:43,450
You sure you got enough in that trunk
back there?
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00:06:43,950 --> 00:06:45,410
Toss, don't be such a party pooper.
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00:06:46,790 --> 00:06:49,790
If it wasn't for the 36 mile an hour
rule, we would be on the interstate and
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halfway there by now.
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00:06:50,890 --> 00:06:53,310
Oh, come on. You know, back roads are
the only way to really see America.
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00:06:53,650 --> 00:06:55,110
Do you know how many cool things are on
the way to Sacramento?
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00:06:55,530 --> 00:06:59,290
A haunted pet cemetery, there's a first
McDonald's, there's an entire house made
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out of corn.
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00:06:59,980 --> 00:07:02,300
Well, I know this is exciting for
someone who's never been east of Beverly
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Center, but, you know, this isn't a
sightseeing trip.
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Come on, listen up, Tasha. We are road
tripping, okay? Like Thelma and Louise.
99
00:07:08,540 --> 00:07:10,800
But we're not going to go over some
stupid cliff because that would be a
100
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We have a job to do. This isn't a class
field trip.
101
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What's the dealio?
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Did Mother Russia lobotomize the bun
center in your brain like a crock of
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orange? Okay, the dealio is that I have
always been very self -sufficient, okay?
104
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:22,820
Please don't anatomize me.
105
00:07:23,100 --> 00:07:24,540
Oh, come on. You can talk to Eric now.
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Road trips are for opening up, sharing
secrets.
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I thought road trips were for...
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peaceful, quiet time.
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Boring. Come on. Do something different.
Open up for a change. I do it all the
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time. Okay.
111
00:07:35,940 --> 00:07:38,140
So why don't I take on Val's perspective
for a day?
112
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Let's see. Do I want to get to the
movies before or after the trailers?
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Before.
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It's an odd number day, so do I want to
wear stripes or polka dots today?
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Stripes. Stripes make you look wider.
You don't wear stripes.
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Let's open the glove compartment.
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Let's not open the glove compartment.
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Oh, come on. You're not curious?
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It's none of our business.
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Maybe there's something dangerous in
there.
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Nikki swept the carpet bombs. There's
nothing dangerous in there. It's clean.
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stays shut.
123
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:07,120
You're so stale.
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Stale!
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Okay, we got our pork rinds. Ding dong.
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Circus peanuts.
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Dum.
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And salmon cut goobers.
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Do you really need all that junk?
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It's not for me. It's for you. I don't
eat this crap. I got one of those smelly
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pine tree things, though, and I got one
of those, um, furry mirror muffs, mood
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00:08:34,230 --> 00:08:38,309
ring, a bunch of cow magnets for Mac.
She's gonna love that. You've ever had
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00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:39,470
of those funky snow globe things?
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00:08:39,789 --> 00:08:40,870
Those are amazing.
135
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Gotta cheer up. We're going on the road,
babe.
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Ooh, arms.
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Dangerous. Not hot.
138
00:08:51,370 --> 00:08:52,370
Well, well, well.
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I've been looking for you for a long
time, little troublemaker.
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Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.
141
00:09:00,020 --> 00:09:02,060
Is that your convertible over there?
142
00:09:02,580 --> 00:09:03,780
Yeah, that's Priscilla.
143
00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:07,800
I know you don't know me, but do you
think I could get a ride?
144
00:09:09,940 --> 00:09:11,900
I'm sorry, no hitchhikers.
145
00:09:12,700 --> 00:09:13,700
Please.
146
00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:16,180
It's my ex -husband. He's looking for
me.
147
00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:18,160
Please.
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00:09:18,420 --> 00:09:21,220
Tasha, I already have a babysitting job.
149
00:09:25,060 --> 00:09:26,160
Who's she jawing with?
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00:09:28,420 --> 00:09:29,420
Got it.
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00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:31,880
Valerie Irons protection.
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Damn it.
153
00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:35,680
Sharon must have hired him.
154
00:09:38,020 --> 00:09:41,420
This is going to be a lot tougher than
we thought.
155
00:09:42,020 --> 00:09:44,920
My baby don't cry or nothing. We won't
make a sound.
156
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:48,840
Pastor, my spidey sense is tingling. I
think she needs our help.
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00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:53,920
You know the rules? Oh, gosh. Her baby
is more important than the silly rules
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00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:54,940
for Priscilla.
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00:09:56,370 --> 00:09:58,290
We have a responsibility to our client.
160
00:10:02,550 --> 00:10:03,550
You know,
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00:10:05,790 --> 00:10:08,290
those bullets you have, they're illegal
in 50 states. Kay told me.
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00:10:09,930 --> 00:10:13,210
They're the only caliber that fits my
modified Glock. That's too bad.
163
00:10:13,210 --> 00:10:16,090
Grisby's going to be really mad when I
call him about that.
164
00:10:18,850 --> 00:10:20,610
Is it too windy back there for you,
Sharon?
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00:10:25,550 --> 00:10:26,550
You're such angels.
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00:10:26,890 --> 00:10:27,970
I want to see the baby.
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00:10:28,390 --> 00:10:29,390
Oh, sure, sure.
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As soon as he wakes up.
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00:10:33,690 --> 00:10:34,870
Hey, no eating in the car.
170
00:10:35,190 --> 00:10:38,190
I'm not going to drop any crumbs, okay?
I just want you to get me a little
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00:10:38,190 --> 00:10:40,030
napkin or something out of the glove box
right there.
172
00:10:41,530 --> 00:10:42,530
Nice try.
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00:10:49,070 --> 00:10:50,070
We're being followed.
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00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:53,350
Oh, you're so paranoid. You know, you
need to go to my aromatherapist on
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00:10:53,350 --> 00:10:54,350
Melrose, all right?
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00:10:54,410 --> 00:10:55,550
Since we get back to L .A.
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00:10:58,010 --> 00:10:59,810
Come on, Beth. Go around. Go around.
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00:11:01,130 --> 00:11:04,230
Give us the girl or we will disable your
vehicle.
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00:11:04,530 --> 00:11:08,630
I don't know what she told you, Ms.
Nairn, but our beef is not with you.
180
00:11:09,030 --> 00:11:13,210
The girl is a wanted felon. We are
licensed bounty hunters.
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00:11:14,470 --> 00:11:15,790
He's going to blow the car up.
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00:12:08,010 --> 00:12:09,010
I saw it seven times.
183
00:12:17,650 --> 00:12:18,650
All right, Nikki.
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00:12:18,990 --> 00:12:20,890
Your ex -husband is a freak.
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00:12:21,310 --> 00:12:22,930
Val, there is no ex -husband.
186
00:12:23,470 --> 00:12:26,250
Is there? Baby, baby, baby! You don't
even know this woman.
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00:12:26,950 --> 00:12:30,250
I just saved our butts with junk food,
okay? I know more than you think. I want
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00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:33,310
her out of the car, now. We can't just
leave her out here by herself. She needs
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00:12:33,310 --> 00:12:34,730
help. Yeah, but not ours.
190
00:12:36,140 --> 00:12:39,140
I don't want to be no more trouble, so
why don't I just go?
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00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:42,440
Your baby! Your baby! Your baby!
192
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:44,799
It's a doll.
193
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:46,780
What a freak! Oh, my God, this is sick!
194
00:12:47,780 --> 00:12:50,000
More than you know, she's got bounty
hunters after her.
195
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:51,240
It's all your fault.
196
00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:56,080
What? It's your fault, okay? You're the
one who made me go over 36 miles an
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00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:58,000
hour, and that's against the rules for
Priscilla, all right?
198
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:03,440
And... I knew it, I knew it. According
to our map, we are going in the total
199
00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:04,580
opposite direction than Sacramento.
200
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:06,130
Sacramento is... That way.
201
00:13:10,110 --> 00:13:11,570
Well, at least the car is in one.
202
00:13:21,530 --> 00:13:23,710
I got a match based on your description.
203
00:13:24,710 --> 00:13:28,610
Sharon Carter drove the getaway car in a
bank robbery six months ago.
204
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:33,780
The heist crew stole $2 million in
bearer bonds from a federal depository,
205
00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:36,000
the ringleader, Frank Newsome, got
caught.
206
00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:39,800
Frank Newsome? That's a scary dude from
the poster. The bonds were never
207
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,520
recovered. There's a bounty out for
Sharon's capture.
208
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:47,400
Anything about a fake baby? Apparently
she uses it to prey on sentimental
209
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:50,220
suckers and steals all of their
valuables.
210
00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:54,780
Not like anybody would be stupid enough
to fall for that old wreck.
211
00:14:06,540 --> 00:14:08,140
These are detonators for the bomb.
212
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:09,640
Literally.
213
00:14:27,460 --> 00:14:28,460
Afternoon, ladies.
214
00:14:28,540 --> 00:14:30,380
Hi. Have you seen this man?
215
00:14:31,380 --> 00:14:32,380
No.
216
00:14:34,220 --> 00:14:36,180
Could I see your license and
registration, please?
217
00:14:37,740 --> 00:14:40,420
Sure. Val, would you... No, we don't
have them.
218
00:14:41,020 --> 00:14:42,020
I don't think we have them.
219
00:14:42,540 --> 00:14:43,540
You don't?
220
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:46,160
Could you step in the car, please?
221
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:55,420
I missed you. I would have been here
sooner, Frank, but I ran into a little
222
00:14:55,420 --> 00:14:56,420
trouble.
223
00:14:59,180 --> 00:15:00,180
Where's your doll?
224
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:01,500
I ditched it.
225
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:04,080
I don't got to run that stupid -ass scam
no more.
226
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:06,780
We are one step closer to real, baby.
227
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:08,239
Come on.
228
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:09,440
Let's make up for lost time.
229
00:15:12,900 --> 00:15:16,300
Sharon, Deke stashed the bonds. He hid
the instructions in the doll before he
230
00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:17,760
got busted. In the doll?
231
00:15:19,620 --> 00:15:22,320
Well, how the hell was I supposed to
know? All right, all right, all right.
232
00:15:23,460 --> 00:15:24,460
Where's the damn doll?
233
00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:29,820
Where's the doll, Sharon? I don't know.
234
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:36,840
Your receptor just faxed over your
credentials. I'm real sorry about the
235
00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:40,520
-up. Oh, it's okay, Officer. You've got
to be careful when that Frank Newsome
236
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,420
guy is running around. Yes, ma 'am, you
sure do.
237
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:44,640
Okay,
238
00:15:44,980 --> 00:15:46,540
your spidey sense is tingling today.
239
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:49,360
Well, you're the one who keeps sharing
out with our wallet.
240
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:51,860
You're the one that insisted I give her
a ride.
241
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:53,700
Everyone makes mistakes, okay?
242
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:55,160
Okay, Val.
243
00:15:55,820 --> 00:15:58,100
Do you want to know why I'm always so
uptight around you?
244
00:15:58,819 --> 00:16:01,520
Because you envy my ability to have a
good time in any situation?
245
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:05,300
No, because no matter what case we're
on, it's you who needs protection. I
246
00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:06,680
do my job properly with you around.
247
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,440
Wow. That is so mean.
248
00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:10,920
Even for you.
249
00:16:12,540 --> 00:16:13,620
Well, you wanted to know the truth.
250
00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:18,200
Look, Val. No, no, no.
251
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:23,400
Zip. Don't worry about it. You know
what? No fun on that trip, okay? I get
252
00:16:33,220 --> 00:16:34,280
GSGI. What do you got, Doug?
253
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,140
Reckless endangerment. Blooped
underground cable. Knocked out power in
254
00:16:39,140 --> 00:16:40,140
counties.
255
00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:41,440
Doug, put a unit together.
256
00:16:41,860 --> 00:16:43,980
I want two black and whites, three
motors ready to roll now.
257
00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:45,620
Go, go, go, go, go. Yes, sir.
258
00:16:51,940 --> 00:16:54,160
We're stopping at the next service
station to get this bumper thing.
259
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,460
Everyone knows that you don't go to the
places right off the freeway. They're
260
00:16:57,460 --> 00:16:58,460
rip -off farmers.
261
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:00,820
Okay, Val, what would you do?
262
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:02,040
Oh, no, no, no.
263
00:17:02,220 --> 00:17:04,599
I don't want to ruin your job or
anything, you know. I don't want
264
00:17:04,599 --> 00:17:05,599
wrong because of me.
265
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:09,060
No, okay. I mean, I'm sure this is an
area of your expertise, you know,
266
00:17:09,060 --> 00:17:11,280
shopping, even if it is for car stuff.
267
00:17:11,599 --> 00:17:13,839
Really? Okay, this is what you do.
268
00:17:14,460 --> 00:17:19,099
You... Aha! Okay, take a right, then
it's two miles to the Tasty Freeze, and
269
00:17:19,099 --> 00:17:23,380
then left on Route W, then left past Old
Man Griffin's Barn, and then right...
270
00:17:23,380 --> 00:17:25,300
Everything okay?
271
00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:29,620
Um, yeah, we've just been refueling
again, Jay. Priscilla has been very
272
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:31,040
Wait, hang on a second.
273
00:17:31,210 --> 00:17:34,710
Well, tell Brad that we have to go
second, okay? The chimps of Earth.
274
00:17:34,710 --> 00:17:36,050
love those San Diego Zoo chimps.
275
00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:37,430
Fine.
276
00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:39,190
I'm sorry about that. How you doing?
277
00:17:39,430 --> 00:17:40,890
Great. And how's Priscilla?
278
00:17:41,210 --> 00:17:42,210
Why would you ask?
279
00:17:42,250 --> 00:17:43,350
Great. Fine.
280
00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:47,810
Perfect. And, um, you know what? Tasha
and I, we've been getting along like
281
00:17:47,810 --> 00:17:48,810
sisters. Good, good.
282
00:17:49,990 --> 00:17:50,889
Twisted sisters.
283
00:17:50,890 --> 00:17:52,850
Come on, that must be the mechanics I
hear inside.
284
00:17:53,330 --> 00:17:55,730
The world is on the road to Armageddon.
285
00:17:56,810 --> 00:18:00,330
And once the smoke clears, only the
fit...
286
00:18:00,810 --> 00:18:02,150
And the prepared will survive.
287
00:18:03,270 --> 00:18:05,690
We are the last bastion.
288
00:18:06,770 --> 00:18:08,290
Our word will be law.
289
00:18:08,650 --> 00:18:11,770
No one will stand in our way. Our
religion is our... Hi.
290
00:18:12,210 --> 00:18:13,210
Hi.
291
00:18:13,390 --> 00:18:14,390
You're so cute.
292
00:18:14,710 --> 00:18:16,390
Hi, is this where we can get our carpet?
293
00:18:16,850 --> 00:18:18,910
Well, remember shopping?
294
00:18:19,210 --> 00:18:21,070
Us is my territory. Don't worry about
it. Follow me.
295
00:18:21,450 --> 00:18:22,450
Hi.
296
00:18:22,650 --> 00:18:26,830
Look, um, hi. Um, we don't have any
money or anything, but I'm, like,
297
00:18:26,830 --> 00:18:27,830
good for an IOU.
298
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:34,060
No, I still got no sign of that
convertible and this junker I just hiked
299
00:18:34,060 --> 00:18:35,060
of juice.
300
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:39,420
Oh, thank you, lady luck.
301
00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:43,100
Do me a favor, honey. Round up some of
the guys. I'll call you back.
302
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:47,500
You shouldn't be here.
303
00:18:49,300 --> 00:18:54,680
I know you mechanics don't like lunch
break. It's interrupted, but we're in
304
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,760
desperate need of a repair for our car.
We can't go anywhere.
305
00:18:58,100 --> 00:18:59,100
Get lost.
306
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:00,720
And take Stretch with you?
307
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:04,600
Excuse me?
308
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:07,680
You got a problem with the way I look?
309
00:19:08,220 --> 00:19:13,500
Not yet. You know what? I'll come back
after lunch. Let me introduce you to
310
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:16,380
Marge. Great. A guy named Marge.
311
00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:51,800
We forgot somebody.
312
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:55,440
Well.
313
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:57,760
Well!
314
00:20:09,260 --> 00:20:10,260
Even better.
315
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:11,320
Okay.
316
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,560
Take a hike! Or you're supposed to
cheat, Buster!
317
00:20:14,860 --> 00:20:15,860
Go for it.
318
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:19,220
Size really does matter.
319
00:20:25,230 --> 00:20:26,230
You aren't rubber band head.
320
00:20:37,990 --> 00:20:40,450
The gun was on it.
321
00:20:46,490 --> 00:20:49,930
Okay, I gotta admit. For a figurehead,
you've been getting much better with the
322
00:20:49,930 --> 00:20:53,170
gun. That's right. Repeat after me. Val
can take care of herself.
323
00:20:56,300 --> 00:20:57,560
Oh, my God. Nope. See, it's really
heavy.
324
00:20:57,860 --> 00:20:58,860
Got it.
325
00:20:59,780 --> 00:21:02,200
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That sucks.
326
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:03,099
So gone.
327
00:21:03,100 --> 00:21:04,100
Unbelievable.
328
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:07,880
At least they left the bumper.
329
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:19,060
Do you think we
330
00:21:19,060 --> 00:21:21,180
would have found a Mickey D's or
something by now?
331
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:23,400
What are you doing?
332
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:26,100
My defining rod is going to get us out
of this mess.
333
00:21:26,500 --> 00:21:27,500
That's for finding water.
334
00:21:28,300 --> 00:21:29,300
Oh.
335
00:21:30,380 --> 00:21:32,280
It's getting dark and cold. I think we
should stop.
336
00:21:32,820 --> 00:21:36,160
No. I can feel it. I can feel it. We are
going to find, like, a shuttle van or
337
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:37,400
something or a five -star hotel.
338
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:41,400
No, okay. I'm sick of plugging this
thing, all right? We're camping.
339
00:21:41,620 --> 00:21:44,700
I'm not camping. Are you kidding? I
can't fall asleep in my makeup. It's bad
340
00:21:44,700 --> 00:21:45,700
my skin. I'm going ahead.
341
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:48,400
Okay, just fine. Remember that when your
body's exposed to the elements, it's
342
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:49,400
not a pretty sight.
343
00:21:49,460 --> 00:21:52,100
Well, I fell asleep in a tanning bed for
two hours once, and I'm fine.
344
00:21:52,380 --> 00:21:53,380
I'm going to go ahead.
345
00:21:53,630 --> 00:21:55,670
Okay, well, first your mind tells your
body everything's okay.
346
00:21:56,130 --> 00:21:58,430
And then the water vapors in your lungs,
they start to freeze.
347
00:21:58,730 --> 00:22:02,510
And then they cause internal explosions.
Okay, the chain reaction causes all
348
00:22:02,510 --> 00:22:04,370
your organs to start turning to jelly.
349
00:22:04,910 --> 00:22:07,710
Then decomposition, rigor mortis sets
in.
350
00:22:07,990 --> 00:22:09,030
You trying to gross me out?
351
00:22:09,330 --> 00:22:10,330
It's working.
352
00:22:10,470 --> 00:22:11,470
Fine.
353
00:22:15,190 --> 00:22:17,890
You know, I'm totally bummed because I
never got to find out what was in
354
00:22:17,890 --> 00:22:18,890
Priscilla's glove compartment.
355
00:22:20,730 --> 00:22:21,730
We're going to be okay out here.
356
00:22:23,340 --> 00:22:24,740
Is the great Valerie Irons afraid?
357
00:22:25,980 --> 00:22:26,980
No.
358
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:29,920
I'm just kind of pissed because some of
my best outfits were in that steamer
359
00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:30,839
trunk.
360
00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:33,600
Well, if you hadn't bribed me into
taking that doll -carrying felon with
361
00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:34,640
wouldn't even be here in the first
place.
362
00:22:34,980 --> 00:22:37,940
Oh, really? Well, if you wouldn't have
kicked those mechanics' ass, Priscilla
363
00:22:37,940 --> 00:22:38,940
would have never even gotten stolen.
364
00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:41,020
Val, they weren't mechanics.
365
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:45,440
Whatever. I mean, some goofy guy calls
you a silly name and you turn into the
366
00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:46,440
Toshinator.
367
00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:48,120
My plays are so predictable.
368
00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:53,520
Did you hear that?
369
00:22:53,900 --> 00:22:54,900
What?
370
00:22:55,900 --> 00:22:57,900
You know what that sounds like? That
sounds like La Chupacabra.
371
00:22:58,480 --> 00:22:59,480
The goat sucker.
372
00:22:59,860 --> 00:23:03,040
Max and I just saw this hard copy
special, and it was talking about these
373
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:07,540
nasty gremlins that the government has
created, and they will suck all the
374
00:23:07,540 --> 00:23:11,120
out of human beings until they're just
little dried -up husks of skin.
375
00:23:11,980 --> 00:23:13,060
Sounds more like the IRS.
376
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:15,920
Did you just make a joke?
377
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:19,940
What, you think I don't have a sense of
humor?
378
00:23:21,140 --> 00:23:22,140
You think?
379
00:23:22,190 --> 00:23:25,310
I'm sorry, I forgot Valerie Irons can't
be serious about anything, even if her
380
00:23:25,310 --> 00:23:26,310
life's in danger.
381
00:23:26,650 --> 00:23:29,490
Okay, I mean, I know what you're getting
at, but really, I just have a sense of
382
00:23:29,490 --> 00:23:31,790
humor about things. You have to have a
sense of humor about life. I mean, life
383
00:23:31,790 --> 00:23:36,410
is a balancing act. Hot and cold, earth
and water, you know, that other thing.
384
00:23:37,050 --> 00:23:39,030
You know, your life was never anything
like mine.
385
00:23:39,890 --> 00:23:41,510
My life was about living on a high wire.
386
00:23:41,770 --> 00:23:44,370
One side were guys with MAC -10s, the
other were flaming spikes.
387
00:23:46,230 --> 00:23:49,650
Those were my choices. I mean, that's
the balance I had in life.
388
00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:52,480
Doesn't sound like very much fun.
389
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:55,020
Well, now you're getting it.
390
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:05,400
Well, you didn't have to have fun. I
mean, what about your birthday?
391
00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:07,660
Especially not my birthday.
392
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:46,080
Val, come on.
393
00:24:48,860 --> 00:24:49,860
Val.
394
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:51,240
Val.
395
00:24:54,580 --> 00:24:56,060
Attention, Macy's shoppers.
396
00:24:56,420 --> 00:24:58,720
Blasters are going to be on sale for the
next 15 minutes.
397
00:24:58,980 --> 00:24:59,980
What? What?
398
00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:01,320
Come on, Val. Time to go.
399
00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:03,040
Wait, wait. Do you have a mirror?
400
00:25:03,380 --> 00:25:04,380
Wait.
401
00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:07,400
Sasha,
402
00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:11,280
don't you have, like, a ladder or a
hook, like, down your pants or
403
00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:12,720
Oh, God.
404
00:25:13,420 --> 00:25:14,940
These are not sensible hiking shoes.
405
00:25:15,380 --> 00:25:18,360
Oh, my God!
406
00:25:18,980 --> 00:25:19,980
Oh, my God!
407
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:21,200
Priscilla!
408
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:24,140
Priscilla, what's here the whole time? I
can't believe you didn't listen to my
409
00:25:24,140 --> 00:25:25,140
gut instinct.
410
00:25:26,780 --> 00:25:30,780
Hey, sorry I'm late. Damn convertible
conked out on me, too. Come here.
411
00:25:31,300 --> 00:25:33,060
Save me unveiling for the two of us.
412
00:25:34,060 --> 00:25:35,600
Dick's a damn genius, isn't he?
413
00:25:40,010 --> 00:25:44,130
It says here he hid the bonds in a safe
deposit box in another bank. I don't
414
00:25:44,130 --> 00:25:46,890
know if this guy would ever think of
looking there.
415
00:25:51,190 --> 00:25:52,109
What's wrong?
416
00:25:52,110 --> 00:25:54,810
There's supposed to be a key, a safe
deposit box key. Where the hell is it?
417
00:25:55,650 --> 00:25:58,150
I think there was one around the doll's
neck.
418
00:25:58,650 --> 00:26:02,150
You think there was one around the
doll's neck? Where the hell is it? It
419
00:26:02,150 --> 00:26:03,230
have fallen off in the car.
420
00:26:04,830 --> 00:26:05,830
Don't.
421
00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:14,360
Tasha Dexter.
422
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:18,200
Earlier today, Dexter brutally assaulted
a group of auto mechanics.
423
00:26:18,700 --> 00:26:23,320
Armed and extremely dangerous, Dexter is
traveling in a turquoise 1959
424
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:24,960
Thunderbird convertible.
425
00:26:25,220 --> 00:26:29,360
An unconfirmed source also tells us that
Dexter allegedly kidnapped her
426
00:26:29,360 --> 00:26:31,940
employer, Hollywood bodyguard Valerie
Iron.
427
00:26:34,140 --> 00:26:36,460
Looks like this might be a little
tougher than I thought.
428
00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:46,320
I totally needed that.
429
00:26:46,820 --> 00:26:47,960
I can't get a signal out.
430
00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:50,500
Let's look in the glove compartment.
431
00:26:51,300 --> 00:26:52,300
Val.
432
00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:55,740
Look what they did. They left a mess all
over the place.
433
00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:58,900
You know what they stole? They stole
that psycho doll and our goodie bag.
434
00:26:59,340 --> 00:27:00,340
Jerk.
435
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:02,540
Okay. Crank it up.
436
00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:04,840
I'm ready.
437
00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:07,920
Okay. Whoa, how'd you do that?
438
00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:09,520
I learned a thing or two from Nikki.
439
00:27:11,340 --> 00:27:14,360
Maybe you could learn a thing or two
from me. You can't get a Sacramento
440
00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:15,360
like that.
441
00:27:18,570 --> 00:27:19,630
I'm just a little grimy.
442
00:27:25,430 --> 00:27:28,130
Hey. Hey, you have to speak up. You're
really fuzzy.
443
00:27:28,430 --> 00:27:29,430
I'm dead.
444
00:27:29,450 --> 00:27:31,590
Things are way worse than before.
445
00:27:31,910 --> 00:27:37,010
The police are still looking for
Priscilla. The survivalist guys filed an
446
00:27:37,010 --> 00:27:38,730
assault charge against Tasha.
447
00:27:38,990 --> 00:27:40,850
They supposedly kidnapped you.
448
00:27:41,550 --> 00:27:44,910
What'd you say? Not much. You know,
Priscilla's wanted by the police. You're
449
00:27:44,910 --> 00:27:46,390
wanted for assault, and I'm your
hostage.
450
00:27:46,670 --> 00:27:49,780
Hey, where are you guys at? Anyway,
what's the nick of your outfit?
451
00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:53,060
Kate, I'm losing you, okay? I'm sorry.
I'm going to have to get another
452
00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:54,120
I'm going to try and get another
battery.
453
00:27:56,180 --> 00:27:57,180
Hang on.
454
00:27:58,520 --> 00:27:59,520
Oh, my God. What's this?
455
00:28:00,380 --> 00:28:01,960
That's a safety belt key. Where'd you
get that?
456
00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:05,880
I don't know. I found it in the car. It
must have been by that dork who stole
457
00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:06,880
Priscilla.
458
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:08,060
There's a serial number on it.
459
00:28:09,220 --> 00:28:10,480
5627222. Tell Kate to check it out.
Okay.
460
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:12,520
5627222. Okay.
461
00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:14,040
This might take a second, though.
462
00:28:16,420 --> 00:28:17,420
Lost keys.
463
00:28:17,900 --> 00:28:18,900
So funny.
464
00:28:19,300 --> 00:28:23,700
Reminds me of one time when I locked my
Gumby key chain back in college. I got
465
00:28:23,700 --> 00:28:28,180
locked out of my dorm after curfew. You
were out past curfew? I tried to sneak
466
00:28:28,180 --> 00:28:29,960
back in by going up the fire escape.
467
00:28:30,360 --> 00:28:35,320
But all of a sudden, campus police shine
a really big light in my eyes.
468
00:28:35,940 --> 00:28:38,540
Kate! Oh, shoot. Hello, hello, hello?
469
00:28:38,780 --> 00:28:42,920
I was trying to scramble through the
first open window I could see. So
470
00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:46,140
see one. I crawl over. I'm like a
contortionist trying to get through the
471
00:28:46,140 --> 00:28:47,140
window.
472
00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:49,019
Battery's dead.
473
00:28:49,020 --> 00:28:53,300
You know, we should probably lay low to
the cake, or the pure salt, and sausage
474
00:28:53,300 --> 00:28:54,300
thingy.
475
00:28:55,620 --> 00:28:56,820
Sounds like a cool affair.
476
00:28:57,600 --> 00:29:00,240
It was a dark room, and there was
incense burning.
477
00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:05,600
There were all these guys in robes
looking for a virgin, which is very
478
00:29:05,700 --> 00:29:10,620
because just the very night before,
oops, I got something.
479
00:29:12,580 --> 00:29:14,280
Ooh, this isn't good.
480
00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:18,120
The key is registered to one of Frank
Newsom's accomplices.
481
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:22,000
Val.
482
00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:24,280
Val, are you there?
483
00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:07,660
Tasha, there's no guys in here.
484
00:30:16,940 --> 00:30:20,180
I bet my left arm the bear bars are in
that fake deposit box.
485
00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:24,320
I think Mr. Newsom's really, really
going to want that key back.
486
00:30:25,120 --> 00:30:28,800
Right. Val and Tasha have zero clue.
We've got to find them.
487
00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:32,340
Let me triangulate the point of origin
of Val's cell call.
488
00:30:33,470 --> 00:30:34,990
No, we're doing fine, Mr. Leno.
489
00:30:36,310 --> 00:30:37,770
No, we haven't looked in the glove
department.
490
00:30:39,150 --> 00:30:40,150
Val?
491
00:30:42,510 --> 00:30:43,510
She's bending over back.
492
00:30:43,750 --> 00:30:44,750
Okay.
493
00:30:59,510 --> 00:31:00,510
Mind if I join you?
494
00:31:01,670 --> 00:31:02,670
Make yourself at home.
495
00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:08,220
I'm Liz, the owner.
496
00:31:09,720 --> 00:31:10,860
I'm Liz, the owner.
497
00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:14,680
You and Valerie don't frequent these
places very often, do you?
498
00:31:16,160 --> 00:31:17,160
Not exactly.
499
00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:21,880
Yeah, well, she seems to be enjoying
herself.
500
00:31:22,420 --> 00:31:24,520
The thing about Valerie is she gets
along with everyone.
501
00:31:26,220 --> 00:31:27,220
It's really annoying.
502
00:31:45,420 --> 00:31:46,560
than Tybo. You gotta try it. Come on.
503
00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:49,260
No, wait, wait, wait. This is Liz. This
is Liz.
504
00:31:50,740 --> 00:31:52,980
Oh, my God. Have you been drinking?
505
00:31:53,700 --> 00:31:54,700
No.
506
00:31:56,480 --> 00:31:57,480
Oh,
507
00:32:01,880 --> 00:32:06,200
my God. I could have fun, too.
508
00:32:11,860 --> 00:32:15,000
Key wasn't in the car.
509
00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:17,820
I'm going to flush the two chicks out of
the bar.
510
00:32:18,920 --> 00:32:20,520
This road's the only way in and out of
here.
511
00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:25,080
If they make a run for it, take them
down.
512
00:32:27,980 --> 00:32:30,400
Looks like trouble.
513
00:32:30,620 --> 00:32:31,620
Looks like an ambush.
514
00:32:32,260 --> 00:32:33,260
Cool, let's rock.
515
00:32:33,320 --> 00:32:34,320
Easy, Nick.
516
00:32:34,460 --> 00:32:35,920
We don't want to trigger these clowns.
517
00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:39,940
Great, and thanks to Tasha, we can't
even call in the law because they throw
518
00:32:39,940 --> 00:32:40,659
in the pokey.
519
00:32:40,660 --> 00:32:42,200
It's up to us. We've got to help them.
520
00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:44,340
Let's leave the car here and head around
back.
521
00:32:46,730 --> 00:32:50,450
The worst was when my KGB handler took
me down to a sewer tunnel.
522
00:32:51,490 --> 00:32:53,650
Okay, I remember the day exactly.
523
00:32:54,070 --> 00:32:55,270
It was my birthday.
524
00:32:55,790 --> 00:32:56,930
Totally my birthday.
525
00:32:58,450 --> 00:33:01,370
I followed that guy for miles until we
were right under the Kremlin.
526
00:33:01,910 --> 00:33:06,270
Then he turned to me and he gave me a
bolt -action sniper rifle, a file photo,
527
00:33:06,430 --> 00:33:09,530
and the two words he said, kill him.
528
00:33:10,990 --> 00:33:12,530
Then he left me alone in the sewer.
529
00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:17,240
Sounds like La Femme Nikita.
530
00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:20,580
Yeah, except I was 19 and it wasn't some
stupid movie.
531
00:33:20,900 --> 00:33:21,900
So what'd you do?
532
00:33:22,700 --> 00:33:24,040
I killed the man in the photo.
533
00:33:25,740 --> 00:33:26,880
It was my father.
534
00:33:28,580 --> 00:33:30,100
It was my virgin kill.
535
00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:47,640
You poor thing.
536
00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:49,840
Thanks, Liv.
537
00:33:49,940 --> 00:33:51,920
Oh, gosh, I didn't know.
538
00:34:22,639 --> 00:34:28,320
Tasha? Two ladies with the convertible
have something I want.
539
00:34:29,520 --> 00:34:32,400
Suggest you give it back or I'm going to
wipe this bar off the map.
540
00:34:48,750 --> 00:34:49,629
What kid?
541
00:34:49,630 --> 00:34:52,590
Jill. Jill Valentine. She got this all
planned out.
542
00:34:54,050 --> 00:34:55,350
You got one minute.
543
00:34:57,010 --> 00:34:58,010
I'm going out there.
544
00:34:58,130 --> 00:35:01,430
Alone. Are you crazy? Did you get a look
on those killers' faces?
545
00:35:04,110 --> 00:35:05,110
Give me the key.
546
00:35:06,250 --> 00:35:07,250
Give me the key.
547
00:35:07,330 --> 00:35:08,510
I can't. I can't. God.
548
00:35:09,010 --> 00:35:11,390
If anything happens to you because
you're protecting me, I'll never be able
549
00:35:11,390 --> 00:35:12,390
live with myself.
550
00:35:13,090 --> 00:35:14,270
Don't worry about me. I'm okay.
551
00:35:14,570 --> 00:35:15,570
So mental.
552
00:35:20,810 --> 00:35:21,810
I've got your key, Newsome.
553
00:35:25,290 --> 00:35:26,290
Hold your fire.
554
00:35:29,250 --> 00:35:30,250
Shoot her.
555
00:35:35,810 --> 00:35:36,810
Hop in, woman.
556
00:35:39,290 --> 00:35:40,290
Go, go, go.
557
00:36:08,960 --> 00:36:10,360
No!
558
00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:12,880
No! No!
559
00:36:13,060 --> 00:36:14,260
No!
560
00:37:17,450 --> 00:37:18,450
Am I really in heaven?
561
00:37:19,210 --> 00:37:20,950
Close. You're in Northern California.
562
00:37:22,710 --> 00:37:23,710
All right.
563
00:38:13,840 --> 00:38:14,840
Going somewhere?
564
00:38:22,980 --> 00:38:26,400
Freeze! Dr. Dexter, you're under arrest.
Drop the weapon.
565
00:38:29,140 --> 00:38:30,340
You're making a big mistake.
566
00:38:30,880 --> 00:38:32,260
Drop the weapon now!
567
00:38:54,950 --> 00:38:55,950
Frank Newsome!
568
00:38:56,370 --> 00:38:57,288
You're amazing.
569
00:38:57,290 --> 00:38:59,970
One woman takes out Frank Newsome and
his whole gang.
570
00:39:00,290 --> 00:39:01,810
Yeah. Yeah, you know what?
571
00:39:02,250 --> 00:39:05,370
It was really hard, too, because I was
being held hostage by my crazy co
572
00:39:05,370 --> 00:39:06,370
over here.
573
00:39:07,750 --> 00:39:08,750
Arrest her.
574
00:39:08,790 --> 00:39:11,610
I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I got you. I
got her.
575
00:39:12,090 --> 00:39:13,090
Ha!
576
00:40:02,189 --> 00:40:03,310
certainly look different.
577
00:40:04,350 --> 00:40:07,170
Well, um, Patrick just broke a few of
Aunt Trudy's real martini stoppers, but
578
00:40:07,170 --> 00:40:10,030
anyway, we found this in the glove
compartment. Oh, my gosh. We always
579
00:40:10,030 --> 00:40:10,928
where she went.
580
00:40:10,930 --> 00:40:14,650
She? Aunt Trudy. After she was cremated,
she just disappeared. We didn't know
581
00:40:14,650 --> 00:40:15,650
what happened to her.
582
00:40:15,690 --> 00:40:18,810
Oh, so this is the family reunion, then.
I found two receipts in the box.
583
00:40:19,250 --> 00:40:20,350
This car isn't even authentic.
584
00:40:21,010 --> 00:40:23,490
The engine's not original, and the
body's all Bondo.
585
00:40:23,970 --> 00:40:25,190
Hey, car's a lemon anyway.
586
00:40:25,410 --> 00:40:26,189
Great job.
587
00:40:26,190 --> 00:40:27,190
Devil on your feet.
588
00:40:27,570 --> 00:40:28,570
Come on, Trudy.
589
00:40:28,970 --> 00:40:29,970
Go on home.
590
00:40:40,170 --> 00:40:41,170
Try these. They'll do wonders.
591
00:40:43,570 --> 00:40:44,570
Where is everybody?
592
00:40:45,130 --> 00:40:46,130
At the home.
593
00:40:47,090 --> 00:40:50,410
You know, I think you and I made some
real progress this trip. I can't believe
594
00:40:50,410 --> 00:40:52,510
you lost that burping cottage that lives
in the bar.
595
00:40:55,070 --> 00:40:58,490
Okay, you have to tell me that KGB sewer
story, was it true?
596
00:41:00,190 --> 00:41:03,130
Well, not about my father, but yeah,
that was true.
597
00:41:03,650 --> 00:41:05,270
How could you even joke about something
like that?
598
00:41:06,930 --> 00:41:09,430
Well, Val, now you know why I don't do
fun.
599
00:41:10,480 --> 00:41:11,480
I should get going.
600
00:41:12,760 --> 00:41:15,380
Well, you know what? Maybe we can do
that again sometime. You know, you, me,
601
00:41:15,380 --> 00:41:17,700
Jag, Vegas, Grand Canyon.
602
00:41:18,640 --> 00:41:19,640
How's the corn?
603
00:41:22,220 --> 00:41:23,580
Val, thanks for saving me back there.
604
00:42:03,720 --> 00:42:04,720
I've got a package.
605
00:42:08,800 --> 00:42:13,460
Whose sick mind did this come from?
606
00:42:22,780 --> 00:42:24,700
Oh, thank every God.
607
00:42:24,940 --> 00:42:26,100
Thank every God.
608
00:42:31,640 --> 00:42:32,640
Achupacabra?
47627
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