All language subtitles for two_guys_and_a_girl_s03e11_a_moving_script

Okay, this is exactly what I'm talking
about. Eighty -five dollars for a

sweater. Sweater? What sweater?

Oh, right, I bought that for you.

From YouGoGal .com?

Johnny, it's a stupid sweater. Get over
it. I don't even wear it.

I just met the most charming man on the
train.

He was standing very close to me. The
smell of gin and Polish sausage was

invigorating. And just about the time he
started accidentally rubbing up against

me, I knew I had to have him. I was just
about to shout, spend the rest of your

life with me, when a policeman got on
the train and scared him away. Damn the

lock.

Well, Ashley, we have some great news.

Oh, yeah. Just when you thought it
couldn't happen, Johnny got cheaper.

Okay, that's not quite it.

We can't afford this place on my salary,
so we've been given a great opportunity

to live rent -free. In the basement.

Isn't that exciting?

You know the basement, don't you? The
floor just above hell?

Why is it rent -free?

Because we're going to be the new
building superintendents.

Oh, well, you know what? I don't mind us
living in the basement.

Oh, Ashley, that is so nice.

Tell her why that won't work, honey.

Well, you see, it's only a studio
apartment, so there's not going to be

room for you.

See, Sharon still hasn't found a job,
and she's working through this difficult

period by shopping.

Oh, great.

What am I going to do? Now I only have a
month to find an apartment.

Actually, it has to be this weekend.
Otherwise, they're going to give the

super's job to someone else, and we'll
lose the basement.

Yeah, and we couldn't have that. You
know how we love to look out the window

ankle watch.

I just said, look, as long as we have
them open, let's take out a kidney.

Big laugh.

You know, there's a rumor going around
the hospital that you and Ashley have

broken up.

That's not so much a rumor as it is a
flyer I had printed out with Kinko's.

Well, I thought maybe I could give you
my number and we could go out sometime.

Oh, I don't know. You know, we're from
such different worlds. You know, me

a man, you being a woman.

Oh, what the hell? Let him judge us.

Ashley still lives here.

Oh, yeah, but she lives with different
people now.

Hi, Berg.

Hi. Gosh, is it Wednesday already?

He always brings a nurse home on
Wednesdays. He's so predictable.

Don't listen to her. I hate her. I hate
you. You love her.

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

So I have a real feeling about us.

Okay. Are you nuts? I've been trying to
get her number for days. How dare you?

Don't you know that after you break up
with someone, you are supposed to wait

days before trolling around for new
phone numbers?

Oh, I'm sorry. Was that in the April
issue of Sassy?

Because I didn't get that one.

Oh, thank you, Burke. Thank you for
making it that much easier for me to get

over you.

Oh.

You two snow leopards.

You better get inside before you catch
cold. That'd be a bad way to start the

new millennium.

I mean millennium.

It's not a hard word to say. It's like
simonin.

Oh, Jesus, Whistler's up on it again.

Okay, well run along, little person.

Okay. Okay.

help me put together my brand new kitty
hotel.

Who'd you come up with?

You, you goose on the loose.

You know what? I can't. Irene, I'm
allergic to cats.

Oh, that's too bad.

Why don't you just read me the
instructions from the hall?

Yeah, yeah, that sounds good. But you
know what? I'm dyslexic.

I made rock candy. And I have adult
diabetes.

Are you trying to avoid me?

No, no, no, no. You couldn't be further
from the truth.

Baby Ruth.

Oh, Pete, you're playing.

Here are the instructions.

I'll call you and you can just describe
the pictures to me. Okay, all right.

I'll be waiting for your call.

At O'Malley's.

But we're broken up.

Must it be nurse? Never say no.

For God's sake, you just answered your
own question.

Hey, Ashley.

Drop dead. Thank you very much.

She came outside while I was getting a
nurse's phone number and then starts

throwing around some bogus post -dating
rule.

What, the 21 -day waiting period?

Is there some breakup newsletter I'm not
getting?

If you're looking for Pete Dunville,
he's not home.

Well, at least he's not answering his
phone.

That's all right, lady. I just got a
package for him.

Say no more, delivery man.

I'll hold it here until he has to come
get it. Don't you worry.

I didn't worry when I dropped it in the
bottle. You think I'm going to worry

now?

All right, Irene.

You got a little package there?

No.

Okay, well, good luck with that.

Hey, Irene.

There's a head in that box, I'm telling.

There's no way all this stuff is going
to fit into that studio apartment.

Sharon, don't be so negative.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to be negative.

And then I remembered that I'm going to
be living in a basement with a janitor!

Okay, you know what?

Everyone laughs until one of us makes
it. Like Schneider.

Hey, guys. Ashley here. She's in her
bedroom.

Hey, Berg, we're trying to get rid of
some stuff. You want to buy a toaster?

I have a toaster.

Yes, and to be honest with you, I've
never been that impressed with it.

This baby's a four -slicer.

Gee, I don't know. I do entertain a lot,
and my guests often ask for four pieces

of toast.

But no, better not. Don't want to seem
showy.

Hey, Berg.

Nice to see you.

No, I don't mean that. I thought I could
say it with a straight face.

Listen, Ashley, look, I've given what
you said about dating a lot of

consideration.

And I've decided I'm completely right.

Just thought you should know before you
move.

Oh, well, that's very kind of you, but
I'm not moving.

What? Well, you're not. Nope. I talked
to the building owner, and he has agreed

to let me sublet the apartment.

So, as always, Berg.

You will be beneath me.

Sharon, would you please go get my box
from Irene?

I am living in a basement!

Johnny, please.

My dad told me never to mess with
another man's stalker.

I can't go near her. She always takes it
the wrong way. Last week, I held the

door open for her. She named three of
her cats after me. Pete, Petey, and

You know what? Let's be honest.

Look, she wants me.

Damn this Ricky Martin face.

I'll get the package. You will?

Thank you. Whoa, whoa, Berg, Berg. We're
just about to take all this stuff

downstairs. And my friend's without a
package.

I take lots of pills, though.

Yeah.

I figured.

Listen, I really need to get that
package for Pete.

Bum Bum, get down!

Can you believe him? I built him a
hotel, and all he wants to do is hang

the curtains.

He's probably just trying to signal
outside for help.

Anyway, the package?

Oh, no can do, six foot two.

Delivery man said to only give it to
Pete.

And you're not Pete, are you?

Mr.

Jeevers, no! Get off her!

Honestly, he's insatiable.

Ron. Just Ron.

Well, I tried, but it's behind the
concierge desk at the Kitty Hotel.

Hey, Ash, what's going on?

I am moving into my new apartment.

I just got all my stuff out of storage.

Apparently you stored him next to your
ab roller.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Stop the move. Put everything back.

What? I was packing your files, and I
found this bank statement.

You got $23 ,000 in a mutual fund.

Sharon, that's my life savings.

Yeah? And it's saving our lives. We're
staying upstairs.

No, we're not, Sharon. We're moving
downstairs.

Yeah, but baby, our room's still
available.

Ooh, actually, it's not.

Victor's not only helping me move, he's
also my new roommate.

Aloha, neighbors.

Her roommate?

Is she the size of that guy?

I bet he can get my package from Irene.

Ashley? I mean, why don't I just move a
supermodel into my apartment?

I think the answer to that question
would only hurt your feelings.

Um, could you guys excuse us, please?
I'm gonna kill Johnny, and I don't want

any witnesses.

You know what?

I'm gonna go up, and I'm gonna talk to
Ashley, and if Victor has a problem, I'm

gonna... What are you gonna do?

Hey, you don't think I'm gonna have a
problem, do you?

I can't believe you. We have $23 ,000,
and we're moving here.

Come on, this is great. Look at this.
Hey.

Huh? We got a Murphy bed.

There's the bathroom.

Wow, this is great. Oh, and look at the
toilet. It's like a little patio

fountain.

Sharon, we agreed to live down here.

Yeah, but that was before I found your
file marked. I'm rich.

But that money... But what?

For the last six months, I've been
paying the bills in our apartment. Okay,

wanted to help, but you wouldn't let me.
You didn't need to because I was making

a lot of money, and now I'm not. And you
have the money, so why won't you pay?

Look, I've been saving that money my
entire life. That is my nest egg. Yes,

you save it so you have it when you need
it, like now. No, we don't need it now.

We have a place to stay.

That's wonderful, Victor.

Oh, you know, my old boyfriend used to
give me massages, but I could barely

them. He was so weak and scrawny.

Oh,

hello, fellas.

I think you know my new roommate,
professional masseur Victor, soother of

muscles.

Hi, Michael Bergen, doctor of medicine.

Hi.

Pete Dunville, seller of makeup.

packaged downstairs. It might be from my
mom or it could be a prize. I enter a

lot of contests. Not now.

Ashley, can I have a moment alone with
you, please?

Oh, Berg, you can say anything in front
of Victor. Okay, fine. Look, you're

letting a guy who looks like that and by
that, I mean average move

into your apartment and rub you?

Is this about me? No, Victor.

You're not my boyfriend anymore, Berg.

I think somebody's forgetting the 21
-day rule.

I'm not dating Victor. It's perfectly
legitimate.

Oh, God, yes.

You know,

it's been nothing but trouble around
here since Victor moved in.

I think this is about me. No, Victor,
this is not about you. The world does

revolve around Victor.

First, what I did was no worse than you
dating every chippy in a white dress.

She was only giving me her phone number.

There's... Too much tension here, and I
should know I'm in the tension business.

Ashley, this isn't going to work for me.
I can't be a roommate.

And you?

You're lucky I'm a healer.

Well, thanks a lot, Berg.

Now not only did I lose my new roommate,
but I also lost the guy who was going

to move my stuff.

I'm so sorry for you, Ashley.

Yeah, sorry for you, Ashley.

As long as you're not busy, you mind
bringing up the rest of my furniture?

No, no way, Ashley. You know what? You
may be able to manipulate Berg, but not

me. I'll get your package from Irene.

I'll start with the dishes.

Oh, hi, Ashley.

All right, listen up, freak.

I want Pete's package.

Hey, I'm not afraid of you.

Well, maybe your cats are.

Okay, here's the deal. For every day
that Pete doesn't have his package, you

lose one cat.

Is that cat wearing a bathing suit?

Sharon, here.

Yes, and she has locked herself in
Victor's bedroom.

It's my bedroom!

Sharon, come out. You can't stay here.
We live downstairs now.

Sharon!

I'm not leaving. I hate it down there.

It's moldy and dark and depressing.

If we have the money, why can't we live
here?

Because I want a house!

You know, I want us and our kids to have
some security.

A future where we're not dying to make
our bills every month like we are now.

Like my folks had to.

So if it means living in a basement and
being a janitor in the present, you

know, so be it.

It may not be good enough for you, but
it sure is for me.

So if you'll excuse me.

Go grab my squeegee.

A dog peed on our window, and I will not
live like that.

She's all yours.

Pete, will you watch where you're going?

Hey, is there any reason that I'm the
only one not moving, yet I'm the only

moving?

All right.

That is the last box.

I want my package, Ashley.

And I want my mattress, Pete.

Hmm, what will we do?

Forget it. I'm not your puppet. Fine, if
you don't want your prize.

Is it a prize?

What did you hear?

I hear the pitter -patter of your little
feet bringing my mattress upstairs.

Could you at least get the door?

Oh, shit, buddy.

Oh, we're totally going to feel that
tomorrow.

Get out of my way.

I'm sensing a little tension here. But
then again, what would I know? I'm not

the tension business.

Until I find a new roommate, you are
paying half my rent.

Fine. Until I find a new date, you're
paying for half of my... cable.

scared Victor off just to get back at me
for that nurse. That's right. I knew I

had a reason. Oh, well, congratulations.

Now I'm miserable.

Is that what you wanted?

Yes. Actually, I'd like you to be every
bit as miserable as I am. Oh, wait.

You're miserable?

Yes. Just like you. Oh. Well, I was. But
now that I know you're miserable, I'm

happy.

Well, I'm happy that you're happy, so
that must make you pretty damn

So, ha!

I win.

I am so miserable.

I am so happy.

Look, I found it.

And now I'm going to open it.

Who wants a membership to the Fruit of
the Month Club?

Apricots, grapes, mangoes, and more.

My way to say thank you for holding the
door.

Love, Irene.

Fruits from a nut. It's kind of clever.

Like the best fort I ever had.

Hi.

Hi.

Thought about what you said?

You know that house you want to buy?

I want to live there with you.

So if it means living like a couple of
bats in a cave in New Mexico, then

I'm all for it.

Terrific. Of course, I've never lived in
squalor.

So I'm sure I'll resent it, and
consequently, you're going to have to

thousand small ways.

Not unexpected.

And every time I'm losing an argument,
I'm going to have to throw the basement

back in your face.

When was the last time you lost an
argument?

So you're going to stay?

Yeah.

Now let's go.

Where? I'm taking you out to a lobster
dinner.

Ooh, sounds kind of pricey. Well, I love
you.

And you can't have an appetizer.

Irene, I just wanted to say thank you
for the fruit. You really shouldn't

Oh, goody. What'd you get first?

Um, apricots.

Apricots, yay!

Mr. Bumpy said it would be apricots.

Do you want to come in? I was just about
to give him his bath.

That doesn't mean you lick him, does it,
Irene?

No, silly.

Well, no, maybe some other time, but
thanks again. Oh, no, it was my

Oh, Mr. Jeebers, for the last time!

She is a...