All language subtitles for two_guys_and_a_girl_s03e08_foul_play

No.

No.

Go back, go back.

No.

There's nothing on.

You want a random movie?

Sure. Anything but Mad Max? No.

You can go for ice cream.

I don't want to go out looking like
this.

Yeah, you're right.

Hey, we could always fool around.

You feel like it?

No. Me neither.

You know what? I'm going to go to bed.

Okay. See you in a bit.

Teletubbies.

Ooh, Teletubbies.

Winky's good in this one.

Where's Ashley?

She went to bed.

I thought I heard a cough and close.

You know, this is weird. Help me out
here, Pete. Ever since Ashley officially

moved in, we don't argue as much.

We've gotten sort of comfortable.

Settled. Totally at peace.

Do you remember how she used to be?

Loud, volatile, uncomfortable to be
around.

Yeah. I was good.

Now she's gotten a little tranquil, you
know? I've got to put the fire back in

this relationship somehow.

We could drug her and dump her body in
Mexico.

I thought you were taking me to a
romantic bed and breakfast. Doesn't this

a little residential?

Oh, believe me, this is a great place to
spice things up.

There's my baby boy!

I took you to my parents' house.
Surprise!

Okay, look. Whatever happens between you
and my mom, just remember, I'm the one

to blame.

Sweetie! Mom! Hi!

Dad, how you doing?

How are you? Listen. I want to introduce
you to my girlfriend. This is Ashley.

Hi, it's really a pleasure to meet you.
Just a minute, Angie. Let me look at

you.

Hi, I'm Phil. Hi, it's really nice to
meet you.

Mom, say hi to Ashley.

Hi, Mrs. Bergen.

So, you're the one that's keeping my son
from me.

Why is that?

We tried to come sooner, but she
wouldn't let me.

You know, you look like that woman on
television.

What's her name? Oh, Mary Tyler Moore.

My, don't we have a high opinion of
ourselves?

Well, no, it's just that a lot of people
have commented on the resemblance.

Well, they were just blowing hot air up
your ass.

No.

I know, I know, I know the one that
yells at everybody.

Judge Judy.

Come on now, don't start, Mom. You're
just going to get Ashley all mad at me

the next thing you know we'll be
fighting.

And nobody wants that.

We are going to get along just fine.

Why don't we go in the house? I am dying
to find out what my boy sees in you.

Hey, honey, why don't we save something
to talk about during dinner?

What? Is this your idea of spicing up
our relationship, watching your mom take

me off all weekend? No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, okay? You just got off to a

bumpy start, all right?

Hey, Mom, did I tell you Ashley's a
Republican?

Oh, Sharon, shouldn't you knock?

Since when?

Since I have the apartment to myself
this weekend and I might have a girl

Pete, you're folding laundry.

Yeah, well, maybe she's into hiding and
watching me be tidy.

Oh, wait, Sharon, tell me something.
What does this remind you of?

Oh, God!

The time I got maced at Chippendale?

My company wants me to come up with a
name for our new unisex cologne.

So where's Berg?

Oh, he took Ashley away for the weekend.
You know, to spice things up.

Must be nice.

What? What?

You sighed.

Not sigh, I exhaled. You exhaled with
meaning. That's a sigh.

Is there problems with you and Johnny?

No.

There it is again.

What?

Pete, just, there were certain things
that you and I should not talk about, so

please, just mind your own business.
Okay, okay.

But you know what? I'm not the person
engaged to the guy who drinks too much.

No. Is he a klepto? Because I'm missing
a pair of pants.

No.

Well, it can't be sex.

I knew it.

So our little Eagle Scout is going for
his freaky badge.

You couldn't be further from the truth.

If anything, Johnny's from the school of
you do one thing and you do it well.

What are you saying? He's a one -trick
pony?

It's a knee wobbler. Don't get me wrong.

I'm just saying that I feel like we're
starting to owe the missionary some

commission.

Look, I mean, you know what? It's
nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe he

know any better.

You know, we can't all be students of
the Kama Sutra.

embarrassing checking it out of the
library, try returning it four years

overdue.

Hand me that pillow.

For easy reference.

Maybe you should show this to Johnny.

Thomas Sutra? Are you crazy?

I don't want Johnny to think I'm the
kind of girl that would do that stuff.

But you are that kind of girl. Well,
yeah.

I'm sorry. Just forget.

Anything. And don't you dare mention
anything about this to Johnny. Like I'm

gonna. Don't you think that would put me
in an awkward position?

Well, I wouldn't know about awkward
positions.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Touchdown! Oh,

I tell you, Boston College is going to a
bowl this year. I wouldn't doubt it.

Tim Hasselbeck can move.

Man, I bet he knows over 40 ways to make
love to a woman.

Never really thought about it.

Hey, can I get you a beer?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, Johnny, did you know that the tiny
island nation of Tonga has five NFL

players, yet all of India, none?

I think it's because they know over 300
sexual positions.

I guess you're right, Pete.

Are you wearing perfume?

No.

But if I were, what would you call it?

Creepy.

Oh, hey.

I just flipped that.

Hey.

Look at that.

Kama Sutra.

Not only does this book make a handy
coaster, it's also an illustrated guide

pleasuring your partner in ways you
could never imagine.

Are you hitting on me?

No.

No, no, no. Johnny, no, I'm just saying
that, you know, if I was going to spend

the rest of my life with one person, I'd
want to know different ways of, you

know, running the old offense.

Hey, I don't want to talk to you about
Sharon and me doing it.

See, look what you made me say.

Johnny, there's no shame in asking
Sharon to try the old cobra in the hen's

mouth position.

You don't just bring up kinky stuff like
that.

Because if she thinks it's weird, then
for the rest of our marriage, I'm known

as the pervo -cobra man.

Did Sharon talk to you about any of
this?

What? No, no.

No, God, no. Look, Johnny, Sharon would
never talk to me about your sexual

problems. I didn't say problems.

I can't believe you called my mother a
shrew.

After dinner, she told me that she
always counts the silverware, so if I

to return anything, now's the time.

She didn't want you to be embarrassed.

You totally crossed the line. She's my
mother. Yeah, well, I'm your girlfriend.

You're supposed to take my side, or
maybe you don't have the guts.

You know, this is a really ugly side of
you.

Yeah, well, at least I'm not a mama boy.

Okay, you know what?

Stop that. You say that word one more
time, and I will... Or what? What are

going to do? Run and go tell your mommy?

Hey, I don't need my mommy to tell me
that I'm dating a nutjob.

I'm going to have to quit that. Make me.
Okay, stop that. You and I have forever

met you. Me too.

Where are you going?

So put on my see -through nightie and
you better be ready when I get back.

And the flame is lit.

Wow. Ashley's really something special.

She sure is.

Look, uh, don't tell Mom, but Ashley
didn't sleep in the guest room last

She slept with me.

Well, after all that noise, I was hoping
that was the case.

You know, Ashley really teed off your
mom. She ended up taking her on me.

Oh, I'm sorry?

Don't be.

We hadn't fought like that since the
night you were conceived.

Good morning, Tiger.

Hiya, baby.

Good morning, Mike. Morning, Mom.

But then again, I guess the girl in the
mascot suit never gets to play.

Okay, you want to play a little horse?
Or wait a minute, sorry. Have you had

your morning can of Ensure?

Oh, she's really mad.

Great. I was hoping to get in one more
fight before you kids left.

Oh, man.

You sound exactly like Ashley and me. We
get very passionate when we're

fighting.

We wouldn't have your older brother if I
hadn't told your mother to get her ass

in the kitchen and ruffle me up some
dinner.

Sweet story, Dad.

Uh -oh!

Did you see that? I didn't even warm up.
You can quit now if you'd like. No, no,

I really like your shooting style. It
kind of reminds me of those newsreels we

used to watch in P .E. class.

One of us has an H.

You know, Nike does a couple of
commercials for women, and every floozy

sports bra thinks she can play ball.

Take another turn.

Just shoot the damn ball.

Yeah, shoot the damn ball, you old bag.

So, uh, Dad, how do you guys keep the,
uh, fighting fresh after all these

We don't fight all that much.

You don't?

What do you do when you're not fighting?

Don't you get bored?

No, no. As a matter of fact, last
Tuesday, we went down to the parkers.

They have a sunflower the size of a
hubcap.

Had a great time?

Listen, son, I don't know about you and
Ashley, but my best times with your

mother are the quiet ones.

So, why do you... Why are you trying to
keep Mom mad?

Well...

I don't always want to make sweet love.

I'm just remembering why we stopped
having those father -son talks.

Your turn.

Is that as hard as you can throw the
ball?

No, no, I was just taking it easy on you
because I know how brittle your bones

must be.

You remind me of me when I was 40.

Well, I'm sure you need to be reminded
about a lot at your age.

Are you all right? Are you all right?

Okay, okay.

There you go. You're okay. All right,
Ashley, I'll start packing. You just

She doesn't have to go anywhere. I had
it coming.

Oh, wait a minute. I don't know. She
threw that ball pretty hard.

Dad!

She's a fighter, and you need a woman
like that.

Come on, Mrs. Bergen. Let me see if your
nose is broken.

Thank you. And you know what? You do
look a little like Mary Tyler Moore.

thank you.

Ordinary people marry Tyler Moore, but
still.

What's that sense you're wearing? Who
cares?

Existential.

Tell him. Tell him I did not ask you to
talk to him about our sex life. Okay,

Sharon, didn't we talk about knocking?

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Knock, knock, knock. Hello?

All right, come in.

Tell him.

All right, that's true.

She didn't ask me to talk to you.

See?

Well, I've moved on. Let's go.

Wait a minute. Then why did watching
football suddenly become the talk I

had with my father?

What is so strange about two grown men
watching football talking about Eastern

lovemaking techniques?

You're right. Why don't you go discuss
it with some longshoremen down at

Mahoney's? Oh, and bring a little jar
for your teeth.

Yeah, a jar.

I was just offering some advice.

Well, we don't need your advice. What
Sharon and I do in our bedroom in the

after Ted Koppel is pretty darn special.

Yeah. Okay.

Darn special. Okay.

What's going on here?

Sharon, did you discuss this with Pete?

I cannot believe... No, no, no. Okay,
but I did not tell him to talk to you

about this. Sweetie, you've got to
believe me. I betrayed your trust and

confidence.

Okay, can I interject? No!

Pete, will you do us a favor just for
once? Can you stay out of our business?

Fine. Stay out of our...

Do we really have a problem with what we
do?

No, baby, I love what we do. It's great.

We've gotten really good at it.

If anything, I think we've pretty much
perfected it.

So you're saying you want to try other
stuff?

I don't know.

You?

If I said I did, would you think I was a
pervo?

Not if you won't think I'm one for
wanting you to say yes.

So, we're going?

Why not?

Where do we start?

I don't know.

We should send your mom something. Yeah,
how about one of those FTD, sorry I

smashed your face bouquet?

You know, for a weekend that started out
as a total disaster, it was really fun.

I especially liked it when we were all
doing the puzzle and my dad said, this

puzzling.

Ashley, let me ask you something.

Are you happy?

Yeah. Why?

Well, it's just that I was talking to my
dad, and he was saying that at the best

time in a relationship should be in the
quiet moments.

He's right.

Like the other night. I had a really
nice time. We were sitting around,

through the channels, not really finding
anything to watch. Yeah, yeah. I was

thinking next week we could go in the
kitchen and watch The Toaster.

Something wrong?

Well, maybe it's just me, but it seems
like our relationship is

only really interesting when there's
drama.

That's not true.

Well, maybe it's just me again, but it
seemed to be more exciting when you

me and I chased you, and then I hated
you and you chased me, and now we're

living together, and even my mom likes
you.

Where's the fun in that?

Well, gosh, Berg, you could put on a
Mountie costume and I could tie myself

the railroad track.

Would that be dramatic enough for you?
You're not understanding what I'm trying

to say. No, Berg, I think I understand
you quite well.

What you're saying is you like fighting.
You like it when we're at each other. I

do.

I do.

I did.

Look, I don't want that anymore.

Then what do you want?

I want what my parents have.

Yeah, and what's that?

I want to be happy in the quiet moments.

Yeah, well, so do I. So what is the
problem?

I'm not happy.

What are you doing?

I am leaving.

Don't. Do that. Ferg, what is the point?
So that you can sit there with me and

be unhappy?

Enjoy the quiet moments.

You'll have a lot of them.

All to yourself.

Ash, come on.

I sub -blocked

my apartment. I have nowhere to

go.

Ashley and I just broke up.

Sorry, man.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Yeah.

How long do you need before I start
celebrating?

Morning dew.

Mountain mist.

Mountain dew! Mountain dew!

Innocence.

Tranquility.

Serenity.