All language subtitles for two_guys_and_a_girl_s02e13_a_girl_and_a_gamble

You don't mind watching him at your
place? No, no, no. It's going to be

Honey, you're cool coming here after
school?

Sure, it's a hoot.

Check me out.

I'm a hoot.

It'll just be this week.

The station is short on traffic
reporters.

He's going to be fine.

Sometimes he gets a little anxious when
he doesn't have his things.

Relax, he's going to be fine.

It's just that, you know, boys need
their toys.

Michael, come to the dock.

side of the force.

He'll be fine.

There she is.

A large pizza, double pepperoni, extra
sausage.

Oh, I see you're ordering our big fat
girl special.

I'm sharing it with Johnny. Yeah, where
is he? Oh, he's out apartment hunting.

Still no luck?

No. In fact, I'm thinking of asking him
to move in with me until he finds a

place. But I don't know. I'm really
nervous about it. You should be.

It's a big mistake.

No, a big mistake is your last haircut.

You and Johnny are great together.

Then why spoil it?

What happens if they're incompatible?

We've been going out for two months. We
know each other pretty well.

Did they know you're a slob?

I am not a slob.

Really? Where did you find your shoes
this morning?

In the closet. And the other one? In the
planter.

So I tidy up a bit before Johnny comes
over. Yeah, and shoo away the seagulls

that hover over your kitchen.

You're right. Bad idea. No, no, no.
Don't listen to him.

Johnny really loves you. He'll learn to
live in a landfill.

You're right. I mean, he's going to find
out eventually.

Yeah. But if he finds out too soon, it
could wreck everything.

Yeah, well, that's a chance I'm willing
to take.

Well, I'm not.

Tough.

Oh, oh, yeah. Like, this is all your
decision. My opinion doesn't count?

Wait, no, no, no, no. Not now. Not now.

Obviously, you don't feel the same way
about Johnny as I do. Hey, I love

Well, I love Johnny, too.

Guys, I don't know how to break this to
you, but I'm already in a relationship.

Hey, honey.

Hey, baby.

Did you find anything?

No, you know, it's brutal out there.

You know, Johnny, if you need to...
What?

Nothing.

Well, anyway, I'm just gonna crash at my
sister's till I find a place.

You know, you could always... What?

Nothing. It's not gonna be that bad. You
know, it's only an hour away.

Okay, look.

Why don't you just... What?

Seagulls. Nothing.

Well, listen, I just came by to tell you
I can't stay for lunch. I gotta load up

the truck and then get to my sister's
before rush hour.

See ya. Bye.

Johnny, wait.

What?

Nothing.

If there's nine people in a room and
there's three apples, what is the ratio

people to apples? I don't know. The
answers are usually in the back of the

We don't need to look in the back of the
book because we can get this. We can

get this.

You have nine players on this side and
three players

on this side.

So the ratio is... Nine to three. Right!

Which is?

Um, stop looking at me. It's nine to
three.

Three to one.

Very good, Bert. Very good.

Tonight, you get an extra hour of TV.

Could you take a test for me?

Sure. If you could explain to me the
relationship between the thecum, colon,

rectum.

Bert said rectum.

Yes, he does that.

Look, Bird's not going to take a test
for you, so just focus.

Hello?

Hey, Mom.

Yeah, I'm fine.

No, no, no, no, no, Michael, sit down.
You've got ten more problems. Come on.

What?

No, no, I can't help Aunt Emily move her
couch.

How did she get pinned up against a
wall?

No, I have Caitlin's son. I can watch
him.

Yeah, I'll have Sharon watch him.

Yeah, all right.

All right, bye.

All right, after.

But now you run the risk of finding
Michael stuffed in the planter.

All right, all right. But he's a kid.
He's not a dog. So if you don't feed

he can tell me.

Fine. Go, go.

All right, but listen. He has to finish
his ratios. It's really important.

All right? And Caitlin's cell phone
number is on the refrigerator.

And if you have an emergency, it's 911.

And, uh...

Poison control? Hey, all those numbers
are busy because Aunt Emily's dying.

All right. All right. All right.

Michael?

I can't believe I'm going to say this.

Obey Berg.

All right.

Where were we?

Yep.

Let's get out of here.

Sometimes the best way to learn
something is to walk away from it.

Take a break.

So you can look at it from a fresh
angle.

I don't know. This test is pretty
important.

Pretty important? What grade are you in?

Fifth. Fifth grade doesn't count!

Eight, nine, ten. Those are the
important ones. Let's go.

You're sweating.

Danielle Steele.

Can I get you something to drink?

Yeah, oh, I'd love something.

Oh, you know what? It is so nice to come
here after looking at the dumps that

people call apartment.

Do you know that artist's retreat
actually means no indoor plumbing?

And prime location means across the
street from a crack house.

So you like being here?

Oh, definitely.

Really happy you said that, because...

What?

Nothing.

Honey, why don't you finish your
sentences anymore?

Well, I just think that... That I could
move in here until I find a place?

Yes! Thank you!

Really?

You're sure about that? Yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes! It'll be fun!

It'll be just like playing house when we
were kids, but instead of making

imaginary pies, we'll have sex.

We'll have more sex.

Oh, great. You know what? I'll bring my
stuff in tomorrow.

So, we're really going to do this?

Why shouldn't we?

You know, perfect apartment, perfect
girl.

There's one little thing I need to tell
you before you move in.

Okay. You know how I keep this place
really clean? You don't have to tell me

be tidy. No, that's the way I was
raised.

Mom always made sure that the place was
spotless. Yeah. The way you keep your

apartment makes me feel right at home.

Oh.

Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's me.

Mrs. Clean.

Where have you been? We went on a field
trip.

Well, well... I was worried sick. Why
didn't you leave a note? We're exploring

the fascinating world of ratios.

Hit it, Michael. Did you know that five
to two is actually two and a half to

one?

Wow. Wow, that's really good, Mike.

And usually it's the favorite. But if
you box your bet with a long shot, you

really make some cash.

Where did you take him?

The dog track?

You took him to the dog track?

The off -track betting's no place for
kids.

Michael, go get ready for hockey
practice. I need to talk to Burke.

Boy, that's never good news in my house.

Me neither.

You took him to the dog track? Burke,
why don't you just take him to the bar

teach him how to mix martinis?

You know, four parts gin to one part
vermouth.

Oh, sure.

You want a really wet martini. Look, I'm
not kidding.

He's never going to learn staring at
that book all day. I mean, I used to be

like that. He needed a more creative
approach.

So what, you're saying I'm not creative?

I'm not saying that. I'm just saying
that the kid, he uses his left brain,

know, like me. He's not like you. He
uses his full brain.

You're jealous.

You're just jealous.

Because Michael had a little fun with
me, Pete. That's you. Fun, fun, fun.

You're going to be everybody's favorite
uncle. Let's run with scissors.

And you are going to be everybody's
favorite uncle. Hey, grab your abacus.

going to the math fair.

Maybe I won't be a fun uncle, but I'll
be a good father.

What the hell is that supposed to mean,
huh? I don't know. Why don't you tap

into the left side of your brain and
figure it out?

You know, I'd rather be a lousy father
than a whiny, uptight one with a golf

club lodged up his butt.

Pete, try to teach your math.

You know what, Sharon? You should loosen
up.

Abduct a kid at work for birth.

I don't know how much more of this I can
take.

Washing every dish, doing laundry,
cleaning up constantly after myself. I

who lives like that?

What's with all the linen?

Johnny's used to fresh sheets and towels
every day.

Why? Did he grow up in a Hyatt?

When did they get a fun apartment?

It reminds them of a stupid, clean
mother.

Stop believing a lie.

He has to love you for who you are.
Yeah, but then I might... No, no, no,

Sharon.

It's time to come out of the sloppy
closet.

Then you can march in the sloppy pride
parade.

Bacon street pizza.

Yeah, there's pizza. Yeah.

Well, I'm more like Michael's after
-school babysitter.

Of course, I'll be right down.

All right, fine.

What is it? It's Michael's principal. He
got caught cheating on a math test.

Probably because he didn't study.

Oh, man, look, I'm coming with you, all
right? No, no, we're done enough, all

right? Just stay here and watch the
pizza place.

And try not to take it to the track.

Hello?

Hi, sis, how are you?

Well, you know how you always said I'd
wind up with a girl just like Mom?

I did.

Oh, it's terrible.

No, she's a need freak.

Do you remember how we can't stay on the
carpet because Mom needs them fluffy?

Same thing.

Just do what Dad does, I guess, you
know.

Pretend to be clean, go bowling six
nights a week.

Sharon's home early. I've got to go.
I'll call you back.

A Daniel Thiel.

How was work?

Never end.

You know what? You're just a little
tense. No, it's just that... There you

Okay, okay.

Maybe a little tense.

Oh, is that a beer?

No. Man, no coaster.

Oh, yes, right. No coaster.

Wouldn't want to leave a ring. No, we
wouldn't. Here, let me help you. I think

can handle it. Oh, damn it. Don't worry.
Don't worry.

Get a towel.

No, you don't want to use the dirty
towel in the car.

Don't use those in the room.

You're rubbing in the stain. When you're
flattening the carpet. The stain.

The floppy. I can't do this anymore.

You're driving me crazy. Me?

Try living with you.

I am sorry. There are only so many hours
in a day I can sanitize for your

protection. I think you have a problem,
and I think you need some help. Oh,

well, I am sorry if I cannot keep this
place as clean as your mother. No one in

their right mind can keep their place as
clean.

What? I can't stand this. This place is
more sterile than a...

You are the one that wanted this place
like your mom's.

Jared, I hated living at my mom's.

The smell of Lysol gives me flashbacks.

Look at my shirt. I'm a slob.

You're a slob? A big slob.

I thought I was going to have to start
bowling.

So we don't have to live like this?

What? So we don't have to live like
this?

No more coasters.

Okay, okay. You know what's really been
bugging me?

That is just wrong.

You don't have to worry about keeping
the carpets fluffy.

Hell no.

Shoes are okay on the sofa. Okay, but
you're going to ruin them for free.

He gets suspended?

No, I talked to his principal. They let
him off.

Thank God.

Look, I'm really, really tired. Should
be.

Come on, Michael. We're going to be
late.

Okay.

Hold on, Michael. Come here for a
second. I want to talk to you. No, Bert,

don't have to. No, I want to.

Look, Michael, it was my fault that you
cheated on that test.

I didn't cheat.

What?

I was cheating because I got all the
answers right.

You did?

Hey, off we go.

Thanks to you and the Daily Double, I
finally understand ratios.

They made me take a new test in front of
the principal, and he had to apologize

to me.

How cool is that?

Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter.

You weren't going to tell me, were you?

Look, it doesn't matter.

All right, just because it worked out
doesn't mean you were right.

Funny. I feel right.

Maybe you should take my whole class to
the track.

Check it out.

They're not your sneakers? Where'd you
get those?

I won them.

How?

Well, let's just say that Jimmy Peterson
picked the slow end.

You're not old enough to bet.

But you're the one who... No, no, no,
no, no. No, no, no. Tomorrow...

taking those shoes and you're giving
them right back to Jimmy Peterson.

Do I have to? Oh, you bet your ass.

All right.

Rectum.

Not funny.

Not funny.

Look, what they did was wrong, Michael.

Now take those shoes off before they
shape to your feet.

Giddy up.

Go ahead.

Go ahead, say it.

You're like that father from Shine.

You know, you're right.

You're right, I was wrong. I'm going to
make a lousy father. I had the kid for

two hours and I turned him into Pete
Rose.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Look, being a father is tough, trust me.

Look, I'd be doing it every afternoon
for almost a week.

Man.

What? What happens when he starts
dating?

I don't even want to think about it. Me
neither.

Wow, imagine. People do that every day.
I know.

I'm a dark kid.

Tell you what.

I'll buy you a beer, Uncle Run With
Scissors.

Yeah.

Yeah, between the two of us, I think
we're going to make one pretty good dad.

Very good.

Berg? Sorry, sorry, sorry.

truck, not even a doll.

Tomorrow I'll go out and ram into a
livestock truck for you.

These are the sweetest things.

So, listen, here are Michael's books,
and here is the coffee.

Great.

You got a kid that goes with these?

Oh, yeah. Michael is across the street
right now in the park with Berg. He's

completing his Jedi training.

The force is strong with him.

How was your day?

It was great. It was great.

You want something to drink? No.

Has he been giving you any trouble?

No. No, no, not at all. I mean, the day
went off without a hitch.

You know what school called?

Listen, I'm sorry.

They said he got an A on his ratio test.
I'm sorry that I didn't get a chance to

tell you before they did. That is
amazing.

He's never been good at math. Well, I
guess it's all in how you teach him.

Well, I gotta go grab him.

Michael wants to stop by the pet store.

He's got his heart set on getting a
greyhound.

He seems to think it would make a smart
investment.

Kids.