All language subtitles for two_guys_and_a_girl_s02e03_a_girl_and_a_tattoo

Berg, have you seen my red towel?

What? My red towel.

I gotta wash it. Mrs. Himmelfarb's cat
took a leak on it.

What?

Never mind.

I want to meet your new girlfriend.

Go away.

It is my right to meet the women you
date. After all, I raised you.

That really upsets you, doesn't it?
Yeah, it does.

I can't tell you how happy this makes
me.

Please, I introduced you to the girls I
date.

I introduced you to Ashley.

We don't date, and we won't date.

Oh, look what you've done. Now you've
upset my girlfriend.

Oh, when did you two start going out?

Oh, yeah, that's right. I remember.

Never.

Come on. Don't let her fool you, huh?
Why do you think she's here? She loves

Oh, I see. And all these people are here
because they love you, too?

On some level.

Hey, Cher. I hate my gym. Oh, you know
what? I forgot to ask you. Do you like

your gym?

You didn't make the window again, huh?

No, third row.

That is what sickens me about health
clubs today.

Fitness should be about getting into
shape, not forcing women to be in some

show. There's your check, poodles.

Wash your face print off that window on
a daily basis.

Because I'm trying to find you all the
way in the third row.

Hey, if you want to avoid people like
him, you should try my gym.

Women only.

Here is the address.

Oh, thanks, Ashley.

Really nice of you. Yeah, mention my
name so I get a free mug.

Excuse me.

What do you mean by people like him?

Oh, you're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't
stereotype.

I was being unfair to perverts
everywhere.

Apology accepted.

Really likes you.

Really? No.

Oh, you know what? I know somebody who
works out at this gym. It's supposed to

be great.

Somebody? Yeah, somebody.

Oh, right. The girl you met at the, uh,
the, uh... Yeah, the girl at the, uh...

Come on, guys. Stop. I haven't been to
the, uh, in years.

I think he's just making up this girl so
we don't feel sorry for him. You know

what, Sharon? That is so sad.

So sad. Yeah.

Yeah, it's sad. Fish from the woman in
the third row and the man with the

girlfriend that hates him.

We want to meet her. Come on, I'll tell
you a secret of Sharon's.

Guys,

please, for once, I need my own life.

Walter, he can't have his own life.

Especially when we got nothing going on.

Reservations for Dunville?

Yeah. Two of your parties are already
here.

What?

What are you guys doing here? Waiting
for you. Your appointment looks at 7

We're busy people, you know.

So, where is she?

She's meeting me after work.

Oh, right. She works at the, uh... At
the, uh... The, uh... Go away.

But why can't we meet her?

You want to know why? I'll tell you why.
Because you'll screw it up like you

always do.

What are you talking about?

Look, every time I introduce you guys to
somebody I'm seeing, you point out some

flaw of hers, which I then obsess on,
and inevitably, it ruins the

We do not.

Remember Denise?

Denise? Dumbo ears.

Oh, yeah, I thought she was a nice girl.
She was a nice girl. But because of you

guys, I just couldn't stop looking at
her ears.

She ordered peanuts at a Red Sox game,
and that was it.

If you wanted a real relationship, you
would have worked it out with Dumbo

Or she -male.

You guys, you just can't help
yourselves.

Okay, okay, okay, we promise to be good.
Yeah.

Oh, is that her?

Oh, neat.

Way to go, a little Angela Lansbury
action.

Hey, hey, hey, just because she's older
doesn't make her flawed.

Whoa, look at the size of those feet.

You guys need a hobby. We have one. You.
You're non -toxic, fun for all ages,

and come completely assembled.

Okay, look. I like this girl, okay? I
care about this girl.

We talk on the phone for hours. We take
long, long walks.

We play Scrabble.

Things you do when you're not sleeping
with someone. Ding, ding, ding, ding.

Okay, look. My romantic life is not a
game show.

Okay? So if you guys start picking this
girl apart and I break up with her, I am

never, ever, ever going to forgive you.

All right, bye.

I just wish you would have said
something before we drove all the way

Bird!

Bobby, hey.

This is Sharon, and Sharon, this is
Bobby. I know him from the gym.

You don't belong to a gym.

No, no. We stand outside the window of
your gym.

Oh, you go there?

How come I've never seen you?

Third row.

I hate my gem.

Pete.

There she is.

Whoa, she's cute.

Way to go, Pete.

Come on, Burke. Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait. She looks familiar.

Where do I know her from?

Oh, God.

I think I found a flaw.

What flaw?

Me.

Me, okay? We had a... Thing a few years
ago. What kind of thing?

I meet at a party, then have wild sex in
the middle of the night on a jungle

gym.

Wow. And I find carpets uncomfortable.

What is her name? It's an N name. Starts
with an N. Nancy. No. Nadine. No. Nan,

tuck it.

No.

Come on, Bert. If you don't remember
her, maybe she won't remember you.

It was one night a long time ago. Pete
doesn't have to know.

Well, it might be kind of hard to keep
from him. What do you mean?

How about my name is tattooed on her
ass?

Pete's right. I do ruin all of his
relationships. And this one, I ruined

years in advance.

Which is actually pretty good for such a
procrastinator.

This sucks.

on the positive side. When people are
telling small world stories, you're

to have the best one.

You are not helping. Not trying to.

This isn't fair, you know. I mean, it
wasn't even my idea. We're stumbling by

tattoo parlor. I needed to use the
bathroom. Restroom signed fifth

only. She volunteered.

You kids really had something special
going.

You know what?

I'm panicking.

I'm panicking. I mean, let's give Pete a
little credit here. I mean, maybe it

won't even matter that I slept with his
girlfriend first.

Are you kidding?

He has a conniption when you read the
newspaper before he does.

Oh, good God. What if tonight's the
night he finally sleeps with... What

the hell is her name?

See? This is why tattoos come in handy.

What is wrong with you?

Look, I'm sorry. That's how we play.

When one of us is down, you kick him.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Pete. Everything okay?

Yeah, great.

What'd you guys end up doing?

We went to the movies.

What'd you see?

What does it matter? She talked through
the whole thing.

Oh, I hate that. Don't you hate that?
That must have driven you crazy. Oh,

you know what else she does?

She laughs at her own jokes.

Holy incompatibility, Batman.

You know, Pete, it's a good thing you
found out now.

Oh, oh, you know what I noticed tonight?

She's got a chipped tooth.

Whoa. What, is she from England?

Yeah, yeah, but you know what? I don't
care.

Huh? Yeah, I mean, I must really like
Nicole. Nicole?

Yes, Nicole. I mean...

I know all of her flaws, and somehow
they don't bother me.

Oh, Bert, will you cover for me tomorrow
night?

Sure. Yeah, Nicole and I are spending
the night at a bed and breakfast up in

Concord.

Oh, tomorrow. Tomorrow night. No, no, I
can't. I can't do that.

Oh, you.

Thanks, man.

It's just a great day to be me.

And just the worst day to be you.

Sharon. The second he sees that tattoo,
he is never letting me near anyone he

cares about again.

I wanted to be the best man at his
wedding, you know? I wanted to be Uncle

to his kids, you know? He'd say, no
soda.

And I'll give him soda.

But now no one gets soda.

Oh, I think about it. It was one night
three years ago. Maybe she's had the

tattoo removed.

You're right.

Maybe she did.

But our friendship is too important to
rely on maybes.

I love that guy.

So I gotta get a good look at his
girlfriend's ass.

This place is amazing.

You don't have to get dressed up or wear
makeup. People are actually here to

work out.

But let's not forget why you're here.

Did you see Nicole?

She signed in, but she's not in the
workout room. All right.

I'm gonna hit the showers, kid.

Berg?

Ashley, what are you doing here?

Well, it's a women's gym, so obviously I
was in the back having a pillow fight

in my panties.

Well, I'm at a women's gym because I'm
waiting for a woman.

Sharon, my friend, Sharon.

She's also a woman.

You know, it's funny. I was just
thinking about you.

Really? Yeah.

Well, I was in the locker room getting
dressed, and as I bent down to tie my

shoe, you just popped into my head.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, your name was tattooed on some
woman's butt.

Really?

That would be Nicole, and she's also...

Just a friend.

What, do you brand them to keep track?

No, no, it's not like that. No, no, no,
there's nothing you could possibly say,

Burke. You're hopeless.

Call me!

I do not believe the humiliation. I just
suffer for you.

I had to peek in every shower stall. I
got three screams, two dirty looks, and

an invitation to play golf.

I know, I know. It's still there. Ashley
told me, and she is not happy with me.

Well, tell her to get in line.

That's her.

Listen, I don't know what kind of place
you're used to, but this gym isn't a

meat market, okay?

Women don't come here to get ogled.

I wasn't ogling. I was looking for a
friend. Oh, try the personals.

Hey, hey, chin up. You'll find someone.

Nicole.

Hi.

Do I know you? Three years ago, Steve
Besson's party.

Jungle gym.

Tattoo parlor.

Oh, my God.

It's you.

Bird.

Trust me, I can remember the name.

So how you been?

I've been good.

Well, nice catching up.

So here is an incredible coincidence.

Did Pete ever mention his roommate?

Pete? Oh, tell me you do not work at a
pizza place.

No, I'm a med student who works at a
pizza place.

Great. Does Pete know?

No, no, and Pete doesn't need to know.
So I say...

We hop in a cab and we go Dutch on some
laser surgery.

Forget it. I'm not going to have it
removed.

Okay, all right. So keep third. But how
about writing the word ice?

No.

Hinden? I'm not touching it.

Whoopie gold.

That tattoo stays right where it is.

Wow. I meant that much to you, huh?

Yes.

When we had...

Whatever it was.

I had dropped out of school. I was
partying a lot, and I was out of

And then that night with you was rock
bottom.

After that, I realized I had to change
my life. That tattoo was a reminder to

to never think that low again.

Well, glad I could help.

But what about Pete?

Pete's great.

He's the sweetest guy I've met in a long
time. I care a lot about Pete.

So do I, Nicole.

When he sees that tattoo... If this
ruins our relationship, then there

much of one to begin with.

Hey!

What do you bench press? Like 350?

Hey, where's Pete?

He's in back.

Why are you hiding behind a menu?

They're there.

I think some women from that gym just
walked in.

Maybe if they were naked and wet, you
could be sure.

Ow.

So did you talk with Nicole?

Yeah, she won't get rid of the tattoo.

Must be completely honest with Pete
about her past.

You look that filthy.

Bert, you're just going to have to tell
him.

You give me one good reason why I
should.

Besides, he's my best friend and it's
the right thing to do.

Okay, that is it.

Bert, thank you so much for covering my
shit.

This is a friend. Is this not a friend?

Oh, and you know what? When we get back,
we'll all go out to dinner. You guys,

me, Nicole.

You guys are going to love her. I mean,
she's really fun to get to know.

Apparently.

There's just one thing.

Listen, man, this is really hard for me,
but a few years ago,

I went out without

sunblock, and I regret it to this day.

That's tough, man.

See ya.

See, it's about you and Nicole.

Well, I think that you two could be
perfect for each other.

Bert, look, I don't need your stamp of
approval.

Too late.

Well, look, there's just one teeny tiny
thing that I feel could be a stumbling

block between you guys. What are you
talking about? You don't even know her.

Well, last night as I was leaving the
bar, I accidentally caught a glimpse of

her. And now this is something that
would bother a jerk like me, but not a

-adjusted, secure man like yourself.
Okay, Bert, okay, Bert, look, look, if

you're going to start picking her apart,
it's not going to make a bit of a

difference, so, you know, don't even
bother.

Hey, what kind of teeny tiny thing would
bother a jerk like you?

Well, I'll tell you. A few years ago, I
kind of met Nicole at a party.

Don't, don't, don't tell me you slept
with her.

Well, that kind of ruins the end of my
story.

This isn't happening. You can't blame me
for this. No?

Pete, what am I supposed to do? Walk up
to every girl I meet at a party and go,

excuse me, are you planning on dating
Pete Dunville in three years?

This is unbelievable. Unbelievable,
Berg. Somehow, you've actually gone back

time and ruined my life.

Come on. Someone should have slept with
other guys, too.

There's a silver lining.

It was one night. I mean, it meant
nothing to her.

Less than nothing. In fact, I think she
kind of hates me.

Okay, all right, fine. You and Nicole
had a date. It wasn't even a date.

Dates are romantic. I just picked her up
at a party.

It's in the past, okay?

I'm erasing the mental image.

Gone. No more flow.

Hey, you are one hell of a guy. I really
am.

Another teeny tiny thing could come up.
Don't want to know, don't need to know.

Why? Because it's in the past, and there
it will stay as long as I never, ever

have to be reminded of it again.

that there's something I need to tell
you.

It's about your roommate and me. No, no,
no, look, baby.

Hey, you already told me.

I just want you to know that it was just
a stupid, dumb thing.

Look, look, we don't even have to talk
about it, okay? I am so, so past it.

It won't bother you?

Watch it not bother me.

Pete.

Call her.

I was so upset about the whole thing
with Nicole and a tattoo that I punched

mailbox, causing me physical pain and a
possible federal crime.

That's the best you could come up with?

Well, I think it sounds better than I
was so upset I wrapped my hand in this

bandage.

Look, I mean, if he was still upset, you
would have gotten a call by now. It's

not the kind of thing you keep bottled
up.

You.

It wasn't me.

Okay, it was me, but it wasn't my fault.
Okay, it was my fault.

Look, I'm hurt.

Take the bandage off, Berg.

You know, you should have told me.

Well, I was afraid that you'd disown me.

You know, I should have disowned you
when you set me up with that psycho from

the personals. I should have disowned
you when you submitted me for that

transvestite segment on Sally Jessie.

Well, now, that would have been a free
trip to New York.

I should have disowned you, but I
didn't.

It's the price I pay for being your
friend. You've got to forgive a lot.

So what happened with Nicole?

Well, after she pried me off the feeling
and we talked, I realized it didn't

matter. You know, I mean, this girl had
the mother of all flaws, and I still

wanted to be with her.

Oh, when you think about it, I really
brought you and Nicole a little closer

together.

I'm not going to thank you.

Your happiness is thanks enough.

I love that you were the last person in
this room to see your girlfriend naked.

Back off, sister.

I can't help it. Well, try.