All language subtitles for two_guys_and_a_girl_s02e01_a_girl_and_someone_better

Hey, Bert, there's some kids sitting on
Sharon's car.

Okay, Grandpa.

Settle down.

Bert, their jeans leave scratches and...
Come on, kids!

Kids, get off Sharon's car!

Kids, get off Sharon's... Whoa!

Hey!

Hey, you kids, get off, Pete!

The unbelievable part is the building
that I designed made it into the finals.

Hey, you're nicely done. Nicely done,
Bert. 200 architecture students

designs. 190 of them hate me.

Why? Because I'm in the top ten.

Come on, Pete. That's not why they hate
you.

All right.

Come on, Bert. Are we going to eat or
what? I'm starving. Yeah, I just want to

check my grade. For what? You're always
number one. And the crazy thing is, it

never gets old.

Excuse me.

I'll bet I can guess your phone number.
No, you can't. Okay, you got me.

You better write it down.

Okay,

how does that work?

It's all about confidence.

Whoa! Yeah, I think Keith said it best
in his poem, Ode to a Great Ass.

Go, and remember,

Confidence.

I'm failing.

Why don't you give me your number and
I'll give you a call sometime.

Okay, confidence and timing.

Now, the moment you've all been waiting
for. Pete, tell us who's number one in

the med school class countdown for a
third week in a row. And this one's

out to a wonderful lady in Albany I like
to call...

Mom. Don't even try to tell me that was
Casey Kasem.

What? It's good.

I want to know who told you that because
they're not helping you.

Give me the top student ID number. Top
score went to student ID number... 8631.

Very funny, Pete.

Now read the one that finished first on
the test.

That is the one.

No.

Can't be. My number's 9201.

I'm supposed to be first. Maybe nobody
told the guy who grades the papers.

I'm number two?

Whoa, whoa, what just happened here?

If you're number two, let me see if my
math is correct, that means somebody

is number one.

Huh.

Where do you hide your abacus?

No, no, no, no, stay with me, stay with
me. This means if you were in the

Olympics, you'd be Silver, and if you
were a Brady, you'd be Jan.

You're enjoying this, aren't you? Is my
enormous grin showing? Yeah.

All it means is you're just going to
have to study a little bit more.

Or find out who's number one and take
them down.

Yes, you're maturing nicely.

Here you go, sir.

Give my order to that guy.

Okay, why?

Just do it.

Got your chopped salad.

I didn't order a chopped salad.

Chopped salad?

Oh, that's mine.

We're such idiots here.

Hi, I'm Sharon.

Definitely not a chopped salad.

How you doing? I'm Tim.

Yeah, I know this sounds lame, but where
do I know you from?

I tend to bar at Mahoney's a couple
nights a week.

Oh, what a coincidence.

I tend to drink there a couple nights a
week.

Here you go.

I'm sorry about the mix -up. I can't get
all these orders straight.

Listen, I'll be there on Wednesday
night. If you're in the neighborhood,

should drop by.

Yeah, maybe.

So, we're going to Mahoney's Wednesday
night?

Oh, yeah.

What? I don't know.

There's something different about you.
You look smaller.

You told her, didn't you?

Maybe.

Farg, there's nothing wrong with being
number two. I mean, just as many people

remember the second man on the moon,
Captain, uh, what's -his -face.

Yeah? Well, your chemical company? Huh.

Destroys the planet.

But we're number one at it.

Come on, Bert, don't take it so
seriously, man. It's just one test.

And you know what? If it bothers you so
much, why don't you try studying a

little harder?

Please, if all it took was studying, any
idiot could become a doctor.

The crucial part is the mental game.

It's what separates us from the dentist.

But that's okay, because I have a plan.
Now, I guarantee you, the guy that beat

me is in that study group.

Why? All they do is study. They're
pathetic.

I know what you mean.

I mean, that's who I want operating on
me. You know, the guy who just wings it.

Hey, fellas. I'm glad you came in.

We wouldn't have if you hadn't given up
those coupons.

Hey, you know, we're medical students.

We should help each other. You're not
seeing my nose.

That's the spirit. So, uh, I guess you
guys did pretty well on the test, huh?

did. But this guy, Mr. Number One
himself, came in. Please, no applause.

Thank you.

Listen, Kamen, I'm just at a bit of a
critical point here. I mean, I don't

if I can hack it.

Is there any way I can talk to you in
private for a second?

Okay, but you're not getting my notes.

Yes.

Listen, how do you do it?

I mean, when I take a test, I just get
so nervous. You know, every question.

I start thinking, what if I'm wrong?
Does this mean I'm going to be wrong

got my hand in some guy's chest?

It's only a test. They're just
questions.

Oh, but they're not just questions,
Kamen. They're decisions.

I look at a test and I see a human body
in front of me. I see somebody's mother,

somebody's father, somebody's child.

Gee, I never thought of it that way.

Oh, you have to.

I mean, you choose B instead of C and
you're wrong.

Little Jimmy can't play kickball
anymore.

The next time you take a test, you just
remember, scalpels don't have erasers.

Anyway, enjoy the pizza.

Where'd it go?

Oh, it's not posted yet, but I'm not too
worried. By the end of the test, it

came and was in the fetal position.

That depends. Were you planning on
writing your phone number down with it?

My mother warned me about guys like you.

Here's my number.

Keep the pen.

That was unbelievable.

That was so smooth, I almost gave you my
number.

That's the kind of confidence you get
when your building takes second place.

What? Number two, numero dos. Hey, good
for you. You know, you're really coming

into your own there. You're like one of
those supermodels that was ugly in high

school.

See something you like?

Wow. Where'd you get that line?

Because you need to give it back.

Oh, swing and a miss. Ah, you don't see
that happen very often, folks.

Coming through, coming through.

Oh, my God.

No! Hey, hey, hey, Cayman, what's the
matter?

I did terribly.

Ah, such is life.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.
Eight, six, three, one. You're still on

top. That's not me.

But you said you were number one,
Cayman. Number one in my study group.

I was 24th in the class.

Now I dropped to 50th.

It's all your fault, Berg. You psyched
me out.

Psyched you out? You're dead, Berg. You
hear me?

Whoa, yeah, dead.

Nice attitude for a doctor.

Number one two weeks in a row. The best
part about it is it's easy to find my

score.

All right, Ashley.

I have to study with you next time.

You should. I don't believe that woman.
She made me ruin Cayman's life for

nothing.

Excuse me.

Hey, remember me, the guy with the
dazzling smile?

Oh, yeah.

Go like this.

What, I got something in my tooth?

Nope. Now go away.

So, um, you were number one, I guess, in
your study group?

Number one in the class. Susan, please.
For two weeks in a row.

Ashley, right? Uh -huh.

Can I talk to you in private for a
second?

It's enough.

How do you do it?

I mean, when I take a test, I just get
so nervous. You know, every question I

start thinking, what if I'm wrong? Does
this mean I'm going to be wrong when I

got my hand in some guy's chest?

It probably does.

You know, I'm going to make a good
doctor. I just mean when I'm taking a

See, they're not just questions.

They're decisions.

I look at a test and I see a human body
in front of me. I see somebody's mother.

Somebody's father.

Somebody's child.

Oh, my God. I know what you're saying.
You want me to tutor you.

I most certainly do not.

Swing and a miss strike, too.

Don't be embarrassed. I work with
remedial students all the time.

Remedial?

Remedial? It means slower.

the first time you started speaking to
me, all that bravado covering your

insecurity. Hey, there is nothing
underneath my bravado.

Listen, here's my card. Call me. I can
help.

Bye.

I love being number two.

I'm not in the mood to look into your
clothes right now.

Come on. I want to look great for Pete's
party tonight.

Pete's party?

Yeah. He's number two.

We're going to celebrate at Mahoney's.

And if Tim the bartender plays his cards
right, he'll be getting a five -foot

-five tip.

Oh, Pete.

What did he say to you?

Hee -haw.

be able to solve this with my feet.

Hmm.

There you go.

Wow, and you just did it so well.

Come on, Bert. You got it started for
me.

Come on, what's going on with you?

Nothing.

What about this one?

Hooker.

Fight class or street?

Jerry Springer.

Bert, what's going on with you?

That. That's what's going on.

What? Don't you feel it? Feel what?

The strange angle the universe is on.

Everything's upside down. Black is
white.

south, shirts or pants. My life is in a
tailspin.

All because I'm number two.

I'm number two? But you're on the way.

What am I going to do?

Bert, if you really want to beat Ashley,
why don't you try studying the material

more than once?

Oh, come on.

Bert, you know what I think?

I think you're afraid. I think you're
afraid to try because if you try and she

still beats you, then you won't have an
excuse.

I think you are so wrong.

I always have an excuse.

Fine, fine. But you know what? I bet you
that Ashley's at the library right now

studying, and that's why she's going to
be number one and you're not.

You're right.

You're right.

I've got to find a way to get Ashley to
stop studying.

Thanks, Pete.

Berg.

What does this say?

Desperate.

Okay. I've got shoes to go with
desperate.

Hey, I think it's great you came in
second.

But did you have to bring it with you?

This is every bit her moment as it is
mine.

There you go.

Excuse me. I didn't order that. I know.
It's from the young lady at the end of

the bar.

Number two strikes again.

So you decided to stop by.

Oh, right.

Tim. Tim!

Forgot to work here sometimes.

What are you talking about? You had me
call to make sure I was shitting.

I love the Cape Cod. Hey, guys.

Hey. Hi.

Ashley, this is Sharon, and that's Pete.
Hi, Sharon and Pete. This is Ashley,

and she's my new tutor.

Your what?

Tutor.

I bumped into her at the library, and we
thought we'd just take a little break

and come by and congratulate you.

Congratulations.

Thank you. Thank you.

Now, can I talk to you for a sec? Excuse
us.

Okay, whatever you're doing, I don't
want any part of it. But it was your

What plan? To find Ashley in the library
and get her drunk so she can't study.

I added the get her drunk so she can't
study part.

What's going on? He's... ruining this
girl's life so he won't have to study.

As long as I'm in the loop.

All right, team. Let's go in there and
get her liquor.

Here you go.

Oh, thanks.

Listen, do you mind if I ask you a
question?

Oh, sure.

Anything.

What's your friend's name?

She's really cute.

Her name is Ashley.

Keep feeding her drinks until her head
hits the table.

Okay, no.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, I'm not proud of either of you.

Ashley, Ashley, thank you so much for
stopping by, but I don't want to keep

from the library, so... So, um, this
model actually took second place? Yeah,

number two, and that's out of 200, by
the way. But listen, I don't want to

you guys from studying, so... And, uh,
the, uh, structural flaw didn't bother

them? What flaw?

That's a perfectly sound building.

Okay. Come on, Berg. We should get
going. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

But what about the flaw?

There is no flaw. I mean, I defy you to
find a flaw. Well, a strong enough wind

could blow it right over.

What, are you kidding me?

You're a med student. What the hell do
you know about architecture?

Well, uh, my father's an architect.

Yeah, well, my mother's a woman, but
that doesn't mean I understand them.

True, he really doesn't.

I didn't mean to start anything.

See, you didn't start anything because
you're wrong. You're completely and

totally wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong,
wrong, wrong.

And so's your dad.

See, there?

Knocked it.

Actually, I was talking about blowing
from this angle, like this.

I'm sorry. Physics can be so cruel.

Okay, I'm in. Tequila shots all around.

Look at that guy.

I'm glad we're never going out.

Do you know he still lives with his
mother?

How did you find that out?

I'm just guessing.

If this building had been real, I would
be responsible for the deaths of

thousands.

Look, it fell on the little school bus.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry. I've worn out the
cork in the bullseye. Maybe we should

pinball.

Boy, you got my number.

Shot? Absolutely.

I can shot just as many drinks as you.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I got that
backwards.

I meant I can shop just as many drinks
as you.

Well, I should be going.

It's getting pretty late.

Oh, shoot.

We kept you out all night. You didn't
even get a chance to study for

test.

Shoot, shoot, shoot.

Oh, I studied for that already.

You did?

Well, then, I'm sorry I got you so
drunk. I'll tell you, there's...

Nothing worse than taking a test with a
hangover. Oh, it's okay. Apple juice

doesn't give you a hangover.

Apple juice.

You have not been drinking apple juice.

You've been drinking apple juice.

Well, of course I have. What kind of a
moron would drink the night before a

test? Oh, oh, wait.

There is one I can think of.

Mr.

9201.

You know my student ID number? Gotta
know the competition.

Yeah.

I knew who I was, and you just played
along anyway.

That is so low.

Oh, but my scores are so high.

Believe me, Berg, I saw you coming a
mile away, even before you tried that

pickup line.

I'm sorry, before?

You mean you noticed me?

Yeah, I noticed you. I found you to be
rude and arrogant, and it made me

really happy to be the one to take you
down a peg.

By going out with me.

Oh, when did I go out with you? Well,
we're at a bar.

We're playing darts, Ashley.

Wait, I only played along with you to
get you too drunk to take the test

tomorrow. If that's all you wanted, you
could have left two hours ago.

So what's your point?

I think you kind of like me.

Good luck on the test tomorrow, Berg.

You'll need it.

Ashley, just one more question. What?

Do you ever catch yourself just gazing
at me?

Thanks for the apple juice.

I'm not paying for the tutoring!

Oh, this was a great evening.

Is the building killer drunk?

No.

She's not drunk. She's studying for the
test tomorrow, and she's going to bury

me. The ones with the big, stupid smile.

I realized something tonight.

Ashley is the most devious, conniving,
double -crossing woman I've ever met.

And, uh, we must have children together.

When they go to school, don't let them
park the bus near Pete's building.

I'm telling you, he's dead.

Dead, dead.