All language subtitles for tracey_breaks_the_news_s02e02

This news just in. The Muslims don't
like uncertainty.

Oral pipeline in the pipeline.

Let me declare.

Off the record.

How do I put this? And the answer is,
we're out.

She wants to be liked. She wants to see
liked. She wants to walk the mile in

their shoes.

Every day in Boston, thinking how to
break it through the nation. Thinking

to break the news.

She wants to save it. She wants to play
it.

She really hopes that nobody's fool.

Have you seen this? After all that talk
of David Davis resigning, some people

are saying I should be replaced by
Michael Gove.

Oh, no, that's never going to happen. I
should think not.

No. I've got 50 quid on Jacob Rees -Mogg
and a novelty belt on Matt LeBlanc.

To replace you when you retire in 20
years' time.

Hey guys, welcome to the show. You've
all heard about Fortnite, the game young

people can't seem to get enough of.

Well, some viewers have contacted me
saying they're worried about their loved

ones becoming addicted.

Put them off forever.

We're the hardest, most impossible to
win version of Fortnite yet.

Fortnite, battle Brexit.

I'm going to be David Davis.

I'll be Liam Fox.

You start out as one big team, then
slowly turn on each other.

It's just like being in the cabinet.

OK, I've jumped from the battle bus, but
I haven't got a parachute. What do I

do? I've got absolutely no idea. What
are our objectives?

God knows. It's total chaos.

Oh, God, an army of Michel Barniers.
What weapons do you have?

I'm checking.

Ah, too late.

I'm covered in red tape. It might feel
like you're getting somewhere, but not

for long.

Why can't I find any trade deals?

I was told there were trade deals in
this building.

I can't make any progress. Philip
Hammond's in the way. Move!

Move! I can't, it seems to be his
default setting.

There's Vince Cable trying to trigger a
second referendum.

I'll just step over him. And there's
always a ticking clock in the corner of

screen. You must finish by 29th of
March, 2019.

We're running out of time.

This is impossible.

So, yeah, I'd recommend Fortnite Battle
Brexit.

Oh, this is doing my nut in. Forget
this.

I'm going to go write that essay I've
been meaning to do for the past five

weeks. Yeah, and I've just remembered
I've got a girlfriend.

Oh, no, I don't. From Epic Fail Games.

Are you sure about this?

Fine. He's a friend of the family,
neighbour.

And he's got a very responsible job.

It'll be fine.

Thank you so much for doing this at such
short notice.

We should be back by 10 .30, but any
problems, our mobile number's there.

give us a call, OK?

Any questions, Mr Gove?

No.

I'm completely confident in my ability
to look after this human infant.

And you are absolutely right to put your
trust in me in regard to this matter.

Great. Well, we'll see you in a few
hours. Have a wonderful time. And may I

say that you have my absolute and
categorical assurance that I won't sell

Sorry? The infant.

I won't sell it.

Why would you sell him?

I wouldn't. I just assured you of that.

Then why mention it? To put your mind at
ease. To give you a cast -iron

assurance that I would neither sell it
nor leave it unsupervised when I go

shopping. You can't leave him
unsupervised.

Yes, I know, and I wouldn't.

any more than I would eat it.

You know what? I'm actually feeling a
little tired.

I think we might give it a miss tonight.

Right, who?

Let me give you back that thing you gave
me. Always nice to interact with

humans. I mean fellow humans.

Don't worry, I'll let myself out the
front door. I certainly won't go out the

back way and rifle through your bins.

And you have my word on that.

H &M is to change its UK women's wear
sizes after years of complaints from

customers that the clothes are far
smaller than labelled.

So let me get this straight.

They've agreed to make their clothes the
size they say they are on the label.

Wow. Big round of applause, H &M.

Or should that be extra small round of
applause?

Live or live, tickets!

Get your tickets here for the UK's
biggest politics -slash -music -slash

-basket -weaving festival. Make sure you
get them here and not on Viagogo.

Although they are quite a bit cheaper on
there.

Hello, John.

What are you looking so worried about?

Is this right, that we're struggling to
sell tickets for the Labour Festival

thing next week?

Sales have been ever so slightly
sluggish, John. That's why I thought I'd

down here and sprinkle on a bit of the
old JC Stardust.

Oh, look, here we go. Hello.

Can I have two tickets to Battenhill,
please?

OK, no. These are strictly Labour Live
tickets.

Oh, right.

What about the Lion King? Can you go
away, please?

It says here we've only sold 20 % so
far.

People said I'd only get 20 % of the
vote in the general election, John. But

what did I end up with? 39 .8%. Exactly.

And you can't do better than that.

Now, Len McCluskey's giving away 1 ,000
free tickets.

This isn't going to turn into a fiasco,
is it? Calm down, John. It's true we've

had to adjust the ticketing strategy a
bit, but it's not like we're bussing

people in.

We're bussing people in. United are
paying for free coaches.

Jeremy, they're saying we could lose a
million quid on this.

Oh, it'll be fine.

Excuse me.

You're Jeremy Corbyn, aren't you? Would
you like a selfie, young lady?

Oh, no, it's just that my mate thought
you were Noel Edmonds.

Told you.

Maybe we need to do something to create
a bit of publicity.

Well, I did plug it on Twitter the other
day.

You know, some of our lot on there are a
bit much.

Somebody ought to tell them to tone it
down a touch. How about we announce a

really radical new policy, like
nationalising the dairy industry?

It's rather Stalinist. Thanks very much.
It wasn't a compliment, John.

We could do with getting me back on the
front pages.

Maybe people just aren't that excited
about us anymore.

They are saying that we've passed peak
Corbyn.

I don't believe that, do you? I think
we're still in the foothills.

And there, up ahead of us, is a glorious
snow -covered mountaintop of pure and

perfect socialism.

So let's you and me put our crampons
back on, John, and get Britain to that

summit.

The workers.

The workers.

Ooh, is this the place for Labour Life
tickets?

It sure is, my friend.

Great, because I've got these two spares
and I literally cannot give them away.

Can I return them? Or swap them?

Actually, I do have a couple of tickets
for the matinee of Dreamgirls, if you're

interested. But I have to warn you, they
are restricted view.

No, that's much better. Thank you.

So,

let's get started.

What are we going to do to fix this
timetable business, which is turning

bit of an... Unmitigated disaster.

OK, we're actually saying that, aren't
we? Yep. Any ideas?

I've been thinking, you know,
traditionally we work out what time

and then try to get the trains to arrive
at that time. But what if we just see

when the trains turn up, write it down
and say that's the timetable? Perhaps we

need to drill down into why the trains
aren't arriving when they should be.

Well, it's a combination of poor
planning, mismanagement, staff

ageing infrastructure and a crippling
lack of investment.

Could we drill down a little less deeply
than that?

Sorry I'm late.

Bloody trains.

Right,

now, I've had a little think about
this... Unmitigated disaster.

Oh, right, we're actually saying that,
are we?

OK, well, I wondered if we could use
different words. For example, perhaps we

could call this one the 1237...

Ish. Or leave the times but change the
places.

I mean, the 8 .34 from Halifax did leave
at 8 .34 this morning, just not from

Halifax. Do we even need the trains to
turn up at all? Perhaps we just need

better excuses for why they're not
there.

Well, we agreed on this.

You blame the slow -running service in
front because it's the one direction you

can't see from a train.

It's perfect. Right. Still makes it feel
like it's our fault.

We could say the driver got mauled by a
lion. We can't say that. They'd never

believe us.

What, have we got a lion? Well, at the
risk of sounding like one of our

customers, I don't feel at all
comfortable.

No wonder the timetables don't work.
It's the strike.

Look, there isn't a strike.

Exactly. For the first time in years,
we've got actual drivers driving actual

trains right across the network.

No wonder it's clogged up.

Sorry I'm late.

Trains were a nightmare, actually. I
ought to head off here. I'm going to

the four o 'clock. Oh, Christ, is that
the time? There's only one direct

an hour now, so I should probably... Me
too.

Will they ever fix his engineering
works, eh? You coming?

Oh, God, no. I drive in.

Trains at the moment are awful.

Coming soon to ITV2, brand -new spin
-off, Love, Ireland.

But only the Northern best.

Now they've finished filming Game of
Thrones, Northern Ireland needed

else cutthroat, functional, and full of
gratuitous sex.

It's another beautiful summer's day in
County Antrim, and the gang are getting

to know each other.

So, tell us a bit about you, Arlene.

Regarding the customs union issue,
maintenance of the same rules and

as the rest of the UK are a red line for
me.

And Downing Street are aware of that.

Oh, safe.

I want a gym in Southend.

The girls are in the bedroom, whispering
so nobody knows what they're saying,

unless they read the subtitles.

I've been coupled up with the British
Prime Minister, Theresa May.

We're supposed to whisper.

This is me whispering.

I'm glad I've got Theresa.

I like someone who does exactly what
they're told.

But I think I'm going to mug her off. Do
you really get the hang of this show

now? And the boys are looking hot.

I'm thinking your obligatory six -pack.

Oh, yeah, mate, I've been putting in
some serious gym time.

No, it's working for you, bruv. You look
well sick.

No!

as an abomination.

Oh, no, Arlene, we're not gay. We're
just self -obsessed narcissists. Coming

soon. Love Ireland.

That's just like Stormont here.

We've got nothing in common.

Sure we do.

We've all got chlamydia.

Make for yourself, son.

Hey, kids, turn that frown upside down.
Your daddy will be home any minute now.

Who's the leader of the gang that's made
for you and me?

R -U -P -E -R -T -M -O -U -S -E.

Yay, it's Rupert Mouse.

Just back from Disney HQ, kids. It's
like a home from home.

They've got a goofy there, too.

And a dopey.

Not forgetting a beauty.

Oh, does that make you the beast?

Only in the bedroom.

So?

How is your meeting with the mouse?

Well, turns out it's not an actual
mouse. Just some guys in suits. But I

we can do business.

Please don't sell Fox to them. Yeah,
it's not fair.

I could sell it to SpongeBob SquarePants
if I wanted to.

You know, he'll only get hold of his
people.

We're Murdoch. We don't sell, we buy.

Not anymore.

You've got a face fact.

Compared to the likes of Google, Fox is
a Mickey Mouse operation.

So now it is going to be a Mickey Mouse
operation.

Besides, it was Jerry's idea.

What? Well, kids, Disney is our
retirement plan.

And what better place to live happily
ever after than Disneyland?

Ride after ride, up and down, screaming
your heart out.

And then we'll do the roller coasters.

Please, Dad, don't do it. You kids are
going to have to learn to stand on your

own two feet.

Your stepmother's right. When I started
out, all I owned was one lousy

newspaper. And I built an empire out of
hard work and being a bastard.

So I'm doing you a favour, kids.

When I check out, just leaving you this.

One lousy newspaper company?

No, just this actual newspaper.

Give me one more chance.

What do you say, Pinocchio? Shall we
give the most shit of the two useless

another chance?

Yes, Jiminy, that's a great idea.

Oh, Rupert, you're almost as talented an
actor as I am. Hard luck, bro.

He said you were a useless shit too.

He said you were the most shit. Hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey. Stop fighting. I'll

you both a job at Disney. Really?

Yeah, Disneyland Paris.

They can use a couple of dumbos.

Right, Chief, let's get you upstairs.

I've got a use for a pair of Minnie
Mouse ears that Walt would not approve

In transport news... The Cabinet has
approved plans for a third runway at

Heathrow. Boris Johnson says he will lie
down in front of bulldozers to stop the

construction.

Wow, that's quite a high -risk strategy,
Boris. Not sure that will stop

construction.

My name's Fiona. I was a top glamour
model back in the day. Started my career

with Peter Stringfellow, God rest his
soul.

But once I got too old for it, you know,
hit the big 2 -3, I needed a new

challenge. So I started my agency, Dolly
Bird Management for Dolly Birds.

And it's been very successful until now.

And you are absolutely sure?

Fair.

That's another one, girls!

The Birmingham Fridge and Freezer Show.

Yeah, apparently.

Having girls in swimsuits showing off
the news they see is no longer

appropriate. Well, it's gone mad. First,
they got rid of grid girls from Formula

One. Now we've lost the darts, we've
lost the boxing, two of our five ready

salty peanut accounts.

And people say, well, why don't they
just do something else? But some young

women are actually allergic to clothes.
And they need to work, too.

So we have diversified.

We've got Chloe, lovely Chloe, working
in a GP's waiting room.

Number seven, Dr.

Richards is ready to see you about your
bowel infection.

Tanya and Lucy, they're doing a lovely
job hosting at the Keithley Police

Station. And Zoe is the new star at the
Aylesbury Morgue. Is this your husband?

No, I think the Dolly Bird Agency has a
future.

What I say to the world is, whenever you
need someone to bring a smile and a

bubbly personality, my ladies will be
there.

If you try to touch them, I'll break
your fingers.

Looking forward to the G7, dear? I mean,
I know you're not, but it's polite to

ask. No, I am not looking forward to it.

Everyone is furious because of Trump's
metal tariff, and I should be on the

side as the Europeans, but it's awkward
because of that word.

Oh, Brexit.

Pound in the box.

I'm going to need all of your support
while I'm there.

Oh, I'm not going.

Melania and I have decided to give it a
miss.

Oh. You chat with Melania now?

I suppose that's her.

No.

It's Brigitte Macron.

I've set up a little WhatsApp group for
us all.

Called it Leaders' Wives. Little joke.

Why is that a joke?

Well, it's not really.

Well, if you're not going to Canada, why
do you have a case packed?

I always have one packed in case we have
to leave Downing Street at short

notice. Why would we have to leave at
short notice?

No reason?

It's impossible.

I have to keep close to Trump because we
need a trade deal and keep close to the

EU because Trump won't stick to deals
and David Davis keeps saying he's close

resigning over our deal with the EU.

Don't want to end up with that no -deal
Brexit doomsday scenario.

Five pounds in the box, please.

I know what I should do.

I've got to stand up to Trump like the
Prime Minister of global Britain that I

am. and I'll tell him that we all depend
on a worldwide network of free trade.

And then he'll tweet something mean
about me, and I'll ask him not to.

And then he'll tweet something really
foul, and I'll ask him to at least spell

my name right. And then... Oh, maybe I
won't go.

Think about the duty -free shoes.

What do you wear in Canada in June?

Well, the summer starts tomorrow and
ends later tomorrow, so I'd say dress

autumn. And it'll be winter by the end
of the week.

Oh, it's Brigitte.

To see you in Quebec, we're all going
out for ice hockey and cheesy chips.

Do you know, I think maybe I will come
after all. Oh, you will, will you?

What a comfort.

Well, I'm already packed, so that's
handy.

The CEO of Qatar Airways has apologised
for saying that only a man could do his

job.

What job is that?

Making sexist generalizations?

You're right.

Only a man could do that.

Oh, no, look.

I can do it, too.

Oleg, Masha, you are coming on a special
trip to America.

Oh, M .G., we're going to Universal
Studios.

We are not going to Universal Studios.

No, we are going on an important mission
to Washington.

They've been hiding the Melania robot
away. Even the president is starting to

become suspicious. Without it, Russia
only has 129 other ways of influencing

America. Delivery for the president.

American baseball caps, they are very
American.

Yes, I agree.

Thought she was running okay.

He's not here. He's playing golf. Golf.

She keeps malfunctioning since they gave
her a job campaigning against

cyberbullying. But her husband is
world's number one cyberbully. Exactly.

computer brain in the world could deal
with such a contradiction.

That is why we have to fit her with
this. A logic bypass chip.

How are you?

How are you? I've been through a little
rough patch.

Deep in.

Fake news.

News. Hello, doctor.

Nice distracting, Goli. Anytime.

That is a rebooting noise.

Does it work?

We'll soon find out.

What are immigrants?

Bad people.

And what are you?

An immigrant.

And do you see a problem with that?

No. The logic bypass works.

America first.

My jewelry is made in China.

Good job, guys.

Where is... Donald, he looks so sexy in
his tennis clothes.

No, he doesn't. He looks like old sack
of donkey guts. I don't

want to make sex to you, donkey guts.

It's going to be a long night. Donkey
guts.

Donkey guts.

Jerry, come on. Before I pill myself.

Rube, I told you, not right now. I'm
busy.

Busy with what? What the hell's a
carer's allowance?

Well, you can apply for money from the
government if you take care of a senior

citizen. Why?

What senior citizen do you look after?

Oh, for Christ's sake, Jerry, we're
billionaires. Why the hell are you

for that pittance?

Well, Mick always used to make me do it.

Unbelievable.

Put your pen down. I'm taking you for
lunch at the finest eatery in town.

For real?

My own Big Mac or just one patty each?

Honestly, that man.

Okay,

everyone, welcome.

This support group is for people who are
so woke that they are finding it

impossible to have any fun at all.

We have somebody new with us this week,
so would you like to introduce yourself?

Hi, I'm Oscar.

I think, like a lot of you guys, for me,
it started with the little things.

Signing an online petition, going into a
march.

Well, I mean, before I knew it, I was
writing to The Guardian about LGBT

representation in the Harry Potter
books. Which is shocking, by the way.

right, Lily, we've all read your blog.

Don't worry, Oscar, you've come to the
right place.

All of the young people in this room are
ruining their lives by being overly

virtuous. That's actually a
microaggression to say young people,

carries subconscious bias towards the
elderly.

Actually, what you're doing is denying
agency to the elderly, which is arguably

much worse. This is what I'm talking
about. You see, it's a slippery slope.

One minute you're carrying a reusable
water bottle.

Fine, and the next minute you're arguing
that water is racist.

Oh, my God, is water racist?

No, no, it's just an example.

Right, how did you guys get on with the
homework that I set you?

Guys isn't an especially inclusive term.
Not now, Jamie. By homework, do you

mean having to watch that old people's
sitcom?

It's called Friends, Lily, and you were
supposed to watch it and enjoy it.

Well, I try, but I find it deeply
problematic.

Why? Well, there's the homophobia, the
transphobia, the fattism and the slut

-shaming, and could Chandler be any more
annoying?

You can't go through your 20s worrying
about every aspect of everything. You

have to pick your battles. And just
remember that it doesn't really matter,

because by the time you hit your 30s,
most of you are going to be massively

right -wing anyway.

Have any of you started to think that
maybe poor people don't deserve

No. Well, watch out for that one,
because that's how it starts.

Look, I understand this has all been a
bit much for some of you, so let's take

five and have a hobnob. I find the word
hobnob very phallocentric.

Fuck off, Jamie.

Any watch showing?

Not on my watch.

Berger, have your fingers. All these
poor actresses earning less than their

co -stars.

I mean, come on, people.

It's 2018.

Disgusting is what it is.

These poor women living in the shadow of
this male -led system in which they are

horribly outnumbered and over... Birgit.
What if all the male world leaders are

earning big bucks and I am making half
of what they do?

What if I am Michelle Williams and they
are a big bunch of Mark Wahlbergs? That

would be so ridiculous.

You are not Michelle Williams.

Although, although, you do look like
sisters.

But there's no way the great PM is any
more than you.

Oh, I didn't mean the great one.

He probably makes less than you do.

No, but what about the Putins and the
Trudeaus and the Macrons?

Yeah, but that is not a fair comparison.

Trudeau and Macron make a fortune from
calendars alone.

And Putin, they're chipped in on that
horse. There's an awful lot for a

with no gaze.

Maybe I'll just call Treasurer.

Ask her what she gets.

Yeah, but she gets paid in British
pounds, so whatever it is, it won't work

as very much anymore.

Yeah, that's true.

Maybe I'll just Google it. There must be
some kind of graph or chart or... Whoa!

Well, that puts my mind at ease.

So you're doing okay.

Well, let's just say you can reorder the
buns and biscuits with the chocolate

layer on top.

Ooh, and some touchy originals.

Oh, I'm not doing that well.

International news, and it has been
confirmed that Donald Trump and Kim Jong

are to meet on Sentosa Island, half a
kilometre off the coast of Singapore.

Hey, do you think they could get them to
meet another half a kilometre off that?

You know, in the sea.

That might be a better way to achieve
world peace.

Hello, I'm Kirsty Alsop, and I'm off
to... Calm down, kids. It's a real treat

travel in the boot.

And I'm off to help relocate some people
whose central London property is

getting a bit long in the tooth.

Recently, chunks of masonry have been
falling off it.

Geoffrey, Sarah and their friend Black
Rod... Black Rod!

..have to relocate to suitable temporary
accommodation.

What's the most important thing to you?

Well, benches for all the parties are
essential, along with division doors and

fully subsidised bar within the
property.

The bar is crucial.

Are you willing to take on any work?

Oh, crikey, no.

Oh, you mean on the property?

No. Well, we're used to having no
heating and a rodent problem, so we're

fussy. But we do need a bar.

Yes, yes, you already mentioned that.

All right, well, let's get going then,
shall we?

Now, I know you said you weren't willing
to take on any work, but I wasn't

listening. So what you could do is knock
through here.

Clearly opening up the space.

And then you can place the political
parties on either side of the aisle,

upholster the pews in green, and you can
even put in a fence for the Lib Dems to

sit on.

Black broad!

Nice! Dirty!

It's a Catholic church.

The DUP would go bonkers.

And we can't have a bar.

Let's move on then, shall we?

Right. Due to Brexit...

A lot of the residents in this area will
soon be leaving. JP Morgan, HSBC,

Morgan Stanley.

So, what are you thinking?

Dodgy neighbourhood.

Lots of bankers.

Well, I'm not sure about this.

The other option is that you could be
relocated to Birmingham.

Actually, I think this is great.

Yeah, this should be fine. Black Ross!

Phil,

these people are awful.

Next week.

I'll be helping a couple who are
considering moving out of the Heathrow

before their house gets bulldozed. Let
me out!

One more thump from you and we're not
stopping at a little shack!

So, anyway, thank you for agreeing to
meet me, Mr Eastmore. Oh, you're

welcome. I represent a patriotic
pressure group based in the Cayman

interesting. I find it so useful to
engage with ordinary members of the

Common hedge fund manager in the street.

Let me tell you, then, that my vision
for Brexit is to create a Britain that

truly self -reliant. Nanny? Sorry, Mr.
Raismog, I was just pulling the

headlights on the daimler. Free from the
tyranny of Brussels, we will finally

have the opportunity to do things for
ourselves.

Hmm. And do you trust our current Prime
Minister to deliver?

Oh, I have a great deal of respect for
Mrs May. What are you talking about? You

can't stand her. About as much use as a
Latin dictionary in a state school is

what you always say.

The PM and I have our differences, but
we are both sensible, grown -up

politicians.

Broccoli, yuck.

You've got to have your greens, Mr Rees
-Mogg.

Do the noise.

Well, have you thought about running for
leadership?

Well, the idea is utterly fanciful. It's
not something I've considered for a

single moment.

You little fibber. You never talk about
anything else.

But, Nanny... You had all those business
cards made up. Jacob Rees -Mogg, Prime

Minister. Nanny, please.

He's always wanted to be Prime Minister
as Mr Rees -Mogg. When he was 13, he

made me dress his action man up as
Harold Macmillan. Nanny, really, will

cease these interjections? I can manage
perfectly well without your inter...

Thank you, Nanny.

It was making me rather irritable.
You're just overtired. It's very near

time. Quite right.

Will you excuse me?

No! How intensely embarrassing.

Then you've forgotten to put any
trousers on me. You must be mortified.

Don't worry, I always carry a spare
pair.

Now let's pop to the loo. Hope they've
got a changing mat.

Check out his chaotic sketch show, the
Andy Field Experience podcast on BBC

iPlayer Radio.

And hear her tomorrow at 10 on BBC2.
Comedian Rachel Parris raised the

for a girl's guide to TV.