All language subtitles for Welcome Back Kotter s03e20 Theres No Business 1

You know, Mr. Katz, you gotta help me
quit from my English class.

I need a sentence with the word
officiate.

Sentence with the word officiate, okay.

Um, my uncle got sick because of
officiate.

Welcome back.

Your dreams blew your ticket out.

Welcome back.

To that same old place that you laughed
about.

Well, the names have all changed since
you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and
they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Who'd
have thought they'd need ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we
need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot. But

got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back.

Please, Vinny, no more.

No more. I'll be good. I'll be a good
boy.

Please, just don't tell no more of your
jokes.

Okay,

look, this last joke, it's really funny.
Everybody last night really laughed at

this joke.

Okay. All right, this guy goes...

to a pocket meter, he puts the dime in a
pocket meter, and the needle goes to

60, right? And he says, oh no, I lost
100 pounds.

And then, I got this other one, it's
really funny too.

Alright, I taught my dog how to eat by
the sound of the bell, right? So, what

happens yesterday, he eats the Avon
lady.

I just got here.

Hey, Vinnie, ask Mr. Carter one of those
jokes.

He'll know if it's old.

Okay, all right.

Mr. Carter, okay.

Now, everybody thinks that Columbus had
three ships, right?

But you did not know he really had four.

Yeah, I knew, Vinnie.

Okay, the reason was because... What do
you mean you know?

You're supposed to say, you know, you're
supposed to say, how come, Vinnie, and

then I tell you the punchline.

I'm sorry, Vinnie, I know the joke.

Who wants to go finish it? You already
ruined my timing.

I didn't mean to, Vinny. I just know the
joke.

Columbus started out with four ships,
but only three reached America because

fell over the edge.

I had laughed at him just because he's
the teacher.

If I was to tell the joke, he wouldn't
have laughed. He would have said, old

joke, Vinny, not funny.

What's all this joke business about?

Well, you see, Mr. Carter, last night
Vinnie here went to the Comedy

a place that features new comedians with
old jokes.

Comedy Connection. I've been there.
That's a lot of fun. You went last

Sunday's amateur night. That's great.

Did you ever think about maybe
performing there?

I mean, you fit right in.

Your jokes are as old as anybody's.

You know, one time I almost did get up
there.

Yeah, what happened?

Well, I wanted to go on stage, but my
stomach didn't.

Come on, Mr.

Carter. Aren't you the boss of your
body?

What are you, stomach pecked?

Look, being a comedian to me has always
been like a secret dream.

And I think I should leave it that way.
Mr. Carter, it's great to have secret

dreams.

I got one.

It involves one of Charlie's Angels.

Hey, Mr.

Carter, ain't you the guy who told us
when we have a chance to go for that

ring just to grab it? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah, and ain't you the guy that
told us if you wants to win, you gots to

play?

Yeah. And didn't you tell me yesterday
that if you don't have confidence in

yourself, no one will?

Yeah.

Well?

Drop it. Find my own words.

do it this Sunday night.

What's all the noise about, Carter?

Well, this Sunday night, I'm going to a
nightclub and I'm going to do a comedy

routine on amateur night.

Come on, Carter. There is no nightclub
with a night that amateur.

Mr. Whitman, I mean, what you know about
nightclubs?

Last time you was at a nightclub, the
car hopped part of your dinosaur.

Wilma, ain't you ever heard of us? It's
a comedy connection.

It's the end thing to do now.

Are you going to be there?

Oh, I wouldn't miss this for anything in
the world.

You know, Carter, in my day, I was a
champion heckler.

You're such a sweet guy, Mr. Wilma.

I picked your hangs in every post office
in the Catskill Mountains.

You ever heard of Shecky Rabinowitz?

Of course you haven't.

I ruined his career with one heckler.

Today he's raising earthworms in New
Jersey.

Sunday night, the comedy connection.

You're on next, honey. They just called
number 41.

I don't believe I had to take a number
when I came in.

What is this, a nightclub or a bakery?

I'm not sure.

But just to cover yourself, when you go
out there, you can start with, good

evening, ladies and muffins.

What are you making jokes for? I got to
go on there five minutes and make jokes

and you're making jokes.

That's not fair.

You know, that might be a good opening.

Ah, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, I just got here and they made

me take a number. I wasn't sure whether
this is a nightclub or a bakery. Well,

anyway, good evening, ladies and
muffins.

Don't use it.

Just be yourself.

You're funny, you're charming, and you
have a twinkle.

I think my twinkle just went out.

I gotta get him right away, you know? I
mean, you need a good opening, something

that really grabs him.

Oh, if you want to grab him instead of a
tuxedo, you should have rented a

gorilla.

Muffin was funny. Gorilla, forget about
it.

You all set, Shecky? Huh?

Hey, guy.

What's the matter? You look as nervous
as a gorilla.

Out there, number 41 said the audience
was so bad that the only thing that

grab him was a gorilla.

Did he say anything about muffins?

Nah.

That was number 38.

Yeah, he came out there and said, good
evening, ladies and muffins.

I don't believe it. I'm number 42. They
probably heard every joke in the world

by now. Yeah, you're right.

Well, look, I just came in here to wish
you good luck and tell you to break an

arm.

The expression is break a leg, Juan.

Whatever it takes.

Well, might as well go out there. It's
going to be any minute now.

Good luck, honey.

You think I'm going to get any laughs?

Well, if you don't, your suit will.

As Ed Sullivan used to say, really big,
really big.

Right here on our stage, we have World
War II and the

original cast.

Really big, really big.

Excuse me there, fella. How much do you
charge to haunt a house?

If you people ever get a chance to be an
audience, don't take it.

Hey, why don't you call Christian
Barnard and get a joke transplant?

Number 42 is next, a schoolteacher from
Brooklyn, Gabe Cutter.

Thank

you.

Thank you very much.

It's nice to be here tonight. Excuse me.

What did the penguin do after you mugged
him and took away his suit?

Mr. Woodman, give him a chance.

It's nice to be here tonight. I have
some funny relatives. Like, there's my

Rhoda. She's been married so many times,
she has rice scars on her face.

She's the only lady I know that has a
wash -and -wear wedding dress.

Wash and wear wedding dress. Laugh.

I have an Aunt Elsie who used to yell at
my Uncle Al.

Aunt Elsie would say, you give me so
much trouble.

When you die, I'm going to dance in your
grave.

Well, my Uncle Al would say, I'm going
to be buried at sea.

Let her dance.

Why don't you bury your act at sea?

You're afraid it'll kill her.

Wait a second, where are you folks
going? The man here, he ain't done with

act. Yeah, that would be very implied
for you to leave, and very unhealthy.

Have a seat. Thank you very much. Sit
down, relax.

Yeah, everybody, no one has to leave
yet. I got a million jokes.

Oh, yeah?

Well, why don't you take the rest home
in a doggie bag?

She's so skinny, she wears snow shower.

Wait a second. She's so skinny, she
wears snow shoes in the shower.

she'll get sucked down the drain.

Here's my Uncle Max.

My Uncle Max, he's...

Look, I don't know.

I'm sorry, I'm not a comedian. I
shouldn't be up here.

It was stupid for me to... Have a good
time.

Well, I hope you're all happy now.

That man's got babies at home.

Oh, yeah?

They're lucky they don't have to listen
to his act.

You had some nice moments. You get all
right, Mr. Cartier. You can get better

luck next time, you know. It's all
right.

Oh, it wasn't that bad, honey.

It was that bad.

He was really doing great till you
opened your mouth.

At least your suit was funny.

Yeah.

Chin up, little buckaroo.

You did your best.

Yeah, I guess so, Arnold.

I mean, it's not my fault if my
relatives aren't funny.

That's the spirit, honey. You have got
nothing to be ashamed of.

Yo, I've got something to be ashamed of.
I laughed at them.

I can never come back here again.
Everyone's going to think there's

wrong with me. They're going to think
I'm weird.

Look, guys, you wanted me to try, and I
did. Now, if you don't mind, I'll see

you tomorrow.

Right on, man. I'll show him. You take
care. You did all right, you know? Yeah,

look.

That's showbiz, huh? Yeah.

I'm proud of you.

Come on, honey.

Everything's going to be all right.

Yeah, let's go home. Okay.

Hey, uh, don't tell the girls what
happened.

Okay.

Get cut.

Yeah. Nice to meet you.

Peter Chernoff.

Oh, hi. This is my wife, Julia. This is
Mr. Chernoff. Hi.

Creative talent agency?

I think you got the wrong guy. No, I'm
in the nightclub division. We're always

looking for new talent.

Well, now I know you got the wrong guy.

Forget about tonight.

Some crazy old man out there heckling
everybody.

You know, I hope I never see him again.

I wish I could be that lucky.

Look, I think you're a funny guy.

Your trouble is material.

Number one, you need something fresh.

Something that fits you. Have a seat.

I'm a teacher.

All right. What do you teach?

Social studies for underachievers.

Not bad. That could be funny.

Oh, it is funny. You should meet the
sweat hogs.

Yeah, you should meet the sweat hogs.
Sweat hogs? What sweat hogs?

Sweat hogs are the kids I teach. I love
it. I'm laughing already.

You don't look like you're laughing.

It's inside here, where it counts.

Now, tell me about these kids.

Well, uh... Let me see. There's Arnold
Horschak. Great name. Love it. What's he

like? Well, he's short.

He's got a kind of pointy nose. He
laughs.

You wouldn't believe the laugh that's
going on inside him.

You know, you better watch out. You
could get an ingrown chuckle.

I'm serious.

This stuff is great. You got more?

Sure, I got more. There's Juan Epstein.
He's a tough guy. He was voted...

Most likely to take a life in this,
uh... Stop.

You're killing me here.

Look, you put these kids in your
routine, you got yourself a nightclub

Now, I'll see you here next Sunday
night.

What?

Next Sunday.

Do the new stuff, talk about the kids,
right?

Yeah, sure, right.

Great. See you then.

Honey, remind me next week to bring my
stethoscope.

Stethoscope, why?

For one, I would like to hear that man
laugh.

Funny, Julie, very funny. I'm getting
funnier.

All right, guys, I think I got it. Let
me try it, all right? No interruptions.

Just a minute.

Mr. Music, can I have a drum roll,
please?

They call themselves the sweat hogs. Let
me tell you about them. Well, there's

Freddie Washington.

We started to call him Boom Boom. That's
his nickname, Boom Boom. And here he

walks like this. You know, you see him
walking down the street. He's always

walking like this.

And he says, hi there.

Relax. Take a break.

Let me say, I don't walk like this.

I don't do that. See, what I do is I
relax. I let myself hang.

I let it stay back and I just give it.

Hi there.

that? I can do it. You think you can
hang? Yeah. Let me see you hang.

Let me see you hang. You loose? Get some
rhythm. Let me move them hips. All

right. You're doing nice. All right.

Hang back and give it to me. You ready?
Yeah. You ready? Yeah. Let it go.

Hi there.

It's going to take a lot more than
practice to get him to look like me.

How fast do you tan?

Sit down.

Copper tone?

Sit down.

All right. The next sweat hog is Juan
Epstein.

Juan Epstein is half Jewish and half
Puerto Rican.

His favorite dish is matzo ball tacos.

Funny, that's funny.

Juan has a very strange walk. He walks
like he's got his lunch in his shoes.

Something like this.

Come on, come on, don't be crazy. Nobody
walks like that.

You got to go for the gold, you know?
Why don't you try some of my old notes

them? Notes? What are your notes? It's a
great idea. Yeah, yeah.

All right, now what you got to do is you
got to ask for a category, an improv.

Okay, give me a category. Go ahead.

Space program.

All right, that's good. That's good.
Let's see.

Dear Mr. Carter, please excuse Juan for
being absent.

He got chosen by NASA to be the first
punk in orbit.

See? Use the A stuff.

That's funny. All right, I'll do it now.
Go ahead. Okay.

Epstein always has these... What are you
doing? I'm the cocktail waitress.

You've got to get into the reality of
this.

You sit down. Come on. Keep your hands
off me.

I'm going steady with the owner.

I give it six months.

Mr. Carter, don't you pay them no mind
at all. Go ahead, talk about me now. Go

ahead, go ahead.

Arnold Horschak, that's right. That's
the actual name of the kid in my class.

His name is Arnold Horschak. He goes
like this.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I thought you said that you weren't
going to interrupt. Well, if you want to

sloppy about it. All right, all right,
all right.

What am I doing wrong? Well, first of
all, it's more rounded tones.

Oh, oh!

Yes, yes. Some guy figured out why I
bombed last time.

Oh, I could have told you that.

You went on stage.

I forget about him.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have another
student.

His name is Vinnie Barbarino.

Vinnie Barbarino is very popular with
the ladies.

In fact, if information can't find a
number, they call Vinnie.

He's the only student I know that's
listed in the Guinness Book of Hickeys.

Yeah, well, I've got to say one thing
about the sweat hogs. They're

They don't believe in guns.

They insert the bullets manually.

Remember what I was saying about Juan
Epstein? Well, whenever he's late or

absent, he always brings in a note, and
he writes it himself.

Here's one, an actual note that Juan
handed in.

Dear Mr. Cotter, please excuse Juan for
being absent for two days. He was flown

to Rome for an ecumenical council with
the Pope.

It's signed,

Epstein's mother.

Well, what can I tell you people about
the sweat hogs that you already haven't

heard on your police radios?

As the sweat hogs would say, up your
noses with rubber hoses.

Wow,

that's a really tempting offer.

and I always wanted to try to get up on
stage. Well, I'm really glad you did.

See you next week. You've got a great
talent. Don't waste it. Hey, baby.

What do you say, baby, baby?

I don't know. This is all happening so
fast.

I suppose I could get a leave of
absence.

Yeah, well, come on. What do you think,
Julie?

Cotter. Cotter, you're over 30.

Come on, take the shot while you got it.

Mr. Cotter, you were...

guys you know i mean this is like a
dream come true for me you know i dreamt

that something like this would one day
happen and it's i can't believe it how

many people get to see their dreams come
true you know it's the right move i can

feel it here inside come on what do you
say well i

guess you know if you get a chance to
grab at that brass ring you better take

right all right quiet everybody quiet i
have an announcement

starting this tuesday

For Mr. Gabe Cotter, it's goodbye
teaching, hello show business.

Is Gabe Cotter serious about doing stand
-up comedy?

More important, is he funny doing stand
-up comedy?

Will he hit the heights, the skids, or
the road?

Will Woodman quit his job and become a
professional heckler?

Has Conor turned his back on the sweat
hogs?

Now, who will teach these delightful
lads?

Does Julie want this for Gabe?

Can a man make a whole career out of
Epstein's walk?

Or Shaq's laugh?

Barbarino's charm?

And Washington's cool?

Find out next week on part two of
Welcome Back, Cotter.

Poitionally, I think the kids are going
to make it big.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that
you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since
you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and
they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Back here where we need ya.

We tease him a lot cause we got him on
the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome
back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

We're all in good spot of breath.

Welcome back.

And that's my way.