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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,760 --> 00:00:04,320 Julie. You forgot your lunch. My lunch again. 2 00:00:05,460 --> 00:00:08,500 As long as you're here, I'll tell you about one of my uncles. 3 00:00:09,940 --> 00:00:10,940 Terrific. 4 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:13,220 My Uncle Jonas, he was a doctor. 5 00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:14,720 Okay. 6 00:00:14,920 --> 00:00:16,580 What kind of doctor was he? 7 00:00:16,820 --> 00:00:18,220 A very strange doctor. 8 00:00:19,140 --> 00:00:23,080 One time, this guy came into his office. Uncle Jonas says, stick out your tongue 9 00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:24,080 and go to the window. 10 00:00:24,380 --> 00:00:25,740 The guy sticks out his tongue. 11 00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:28,600 Goes to the window. 12 00:00:29,150 --> 00:00:31,770 He's standing there about five minutes, looks back at my uncle, says, will this 13 00:00:31,770 --> 00:00:32,489 help me? 14 00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:35,310 My uncle said, no, but I'm mad at the guy across the street. 15 00:00:46,250 --> 00:00:47,310 Welcome back. 16 00:00:48,770 --> 00:00:51,610 Your dreams were your ticket out. 17 00:00:52,910 --> 00:00:53,910 Welcome back. 18 00:00:54,830 --> 00:00:58,510 To that same old place that you laughed about. 19 00:00:59,430 --> 00:01:02,990 Well, the names have all changed since you hung around. 20 00:01:03,770 --> 00:01:07,490 But those dreams have remained and they've turned around. 21 00:01:08,750 --> 00:01:10,670 Who'd have thought they'd need ya? 22 00:01:10,890 --> 00:01:16,210 Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where 23 00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:20,850 we need ya. We tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the spot. 24 00:01:21,090 --> 00:01:22,210 Welcome back. 25 00:01:23,090 --> 00:01:24,130 Welcome back. 26 00:01:24,590 --> 00:01:26,490 Welcome back. Welcome back. 27 00:02:01,260 --> 00:02:03,960 I like it to look messy, like I didn't have to do nothing. 28 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:06,400 And I happen to look this cute just by accident. 29 00:02:32,330 --> 00:02:34,170 What kind of a loser would write something like that? 30 00:02:34,910 --> 00:02:35,910 Me. 31 00:02:39,370 --> 00:02:40,370 Gentlemen. 32 00:02:45,390 --> 00:02:46,450 I'm about to go. 33 00:02:47,330 --> 00:02:48,630 Homing period is over. 34 00:02:48,830 --> 00:02:51,490 Can we go and do some work on the inside of your heads? 35 00:02:51,850 --> 00:02:55,670 Come on, Mr. Carter. Just a couple of little last -minute touches here, all 36 00:02:55,670 --> 00:02:59,010 right? You see, when you're the sweat hog hot throb, you've got a 37 00:02:59,010 --> 00:03:00,090 to look perfect. 38 00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:12,060 If you keep teasing your hair, your scalp is going to leave you for a hot 39 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:16,120 Come on. 40 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:19,100 Yeah, come on, Juan. We don't want to be party. 41 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:22,080 All right, I'll go right with you as soon as I grab a smoke. 42 00:04:22,990 --> 00:04:23,990 make you go after him. 43 00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:28,150 Come on, Epstein, let's go. Get out of there. Come on. 44 00:04:29,830 --> 00:04:31,050 When did you start smoking? 45 00:04:31,370 --> 00:04:35,710 What smoking? Well, hey, I'm just enjoying a few moments of privacy, you 46 00:04:36,690 --> 00:04:40,670 I mean, when you got nine brothers and sisters like I got, the only time you 47 00:04:40,670 --> 00:04:42,670 to use the bathroom by yourself is on your birthday. 48 00:04:43,910 --> 00:04:46,270 Nine brothers and sisters living in a ghetto. 49 00:04:46,910 --> 00:04:50,270 Don't bother, Epstein. That underprivileged kid stuff may work on 50 00:04:50,270 --> 00:04:51,270 won't work on me. 51 00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:54,340 Now, remember, you're talking to a man who hates Captain Kangaroo. 52 00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:57,780 Take me over to Principal Lazarus' office. 53 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:01,320 Wait a second. I didn't even get a chance to wash my hands. How about 54 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:02,320 hygiene? 55 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:11,280 Well, Principal Lazarus is really going to give it to Epstein this time. You 56 00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:15,140 know, Potter, I haven't had this much fun since I suspended a cheerleader for 57 00:05:15,140 --> 00:05:16,980 showing a pom -poms to a rotary club. 58 00:05:21,450 --> 00:05:24,090 Look, there's no need to take Woodman off restroom patrol. 59 00:05:24,390 --> 00:05:26,650 It makes his day. 60 00:05:27,830 --> 00:05:32,250 And by the way, Jack, don't forget what I told you. This week, take the Jets and 61 00:05:32,250 --> 00:05:33,250 the points. 62 00:05:33,990 --> 00:05:35,050 How'd you do, Juan? 63 00:05:35,270 --> 00:05:36,890 I'm free. I just got a warning. 64 00:05:37,130 --> 00:05:38,029 Well, all right. 65 00:05:38,030 --> 00:05:39,390 I just don't understand. 66 00:05:40,610 --> 00:05:41,910 Lazarus doesn't like anybody. 67 00:05:42,990 --> 00:05:43,990 Except Upstate. 68 00:05:44,170 --> 00:05:49,110 Why? Well, that's because... Why is that? 69 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:51,880 Well, that's because Jack thinks of me like a son. 70 00:05:52,900 --> 00:05:53,900 Doesn't he have a son? 71 00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:58,360 Oh, yeah, Harold, but Harold's a real disappointment to Jack, you know, since 72 00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:00,860 moved to Oregon and joined that vegetarian nudist colony. 73 00:06:02,940 --> 00:06:06,320 Oh, right, the vegetarian nudists. I read about them. They had their own 74 00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:10,260 religion. They believed that if you die, you return as a Caesar salad. 75 00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:15,360 A vegetarian nudist colony. 76 00:06:15,780 --> 00:06:16,780 Wow. 77 00:06:19,850 --> 00:06:23,170 you could have one wild weekend with just a couple of bottles of rope for 78 00:06:23,170 --> 00:06:24,170 dressing. 79 00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:26,010 Huh? 80 00:06:28,510 --> 00:06:30,870 What does that mean? That I can get back into the dance? 81 00:06:32,610 --> 00:06:33,610 It's not fair. 82 00:06:34,450 --> 00:06:36,050 I don't want much out of life. 83 00:06:36,290 --> 00:06:41,430 Just a transfer to a school in Scarsdale and my real teeth back. 84 00:06:44,090 --> 00:06:45,910 Come on, Vinnie. How about lunch? I'm buying. 85 00:06:46,190 --> 00:06:47,470 Uh, uh, wait a second. 86 00:06:47,930 --> 00:06:50,270 You know, just because you didn't get in trouble, there's no reason you should 87 00:06:50,270 --> 00:06:52,050 smoke, in school or anyplace else. 88 00:06:52,310 --> 00:06:53,310 It's just not healthy. 89 00:06:53,810 --> 00:06:57,130 Yeah, well, that's what Principal Lazarus told me, so I promised him I was 90 00:06:57,130 --> 00:06:58,130 to quit. 91 00:06:58,330 --> 00:06:59,330 Good boy, Juan. 92 00:06:59,710 --> 00:07:00,710 That's smart thinking. 93 00:07:01,410 --> 00:07:04,590 Besides, I'm sure sooner or later you'll pick up another bad habit. 94 00:07:05,870 --> 00:07:09,710 Are you sure about the Jets and the points? I bet 50 cents with Julie. Hey, 95 00:07:09,710 --> 00:07:10,770 look who you're talking to. 96 00:07:11,090 --> 00:07:12,450 Sure, the Jets, that's your thing. 97 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:20,880 I never tried one of them things. It's fro -cone. Let me try it. Go ahead. 98 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:23,800 Ow! 99 00:07:25,260 --> 00:07:27,340 Well, I guess you don't work on Italian hair. 100 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:08,960 You said you were going to stop smoking. 101 00:08:10,500 --> 00:08:12,580 Look, I tried, Mr. Carter, but I can't, okay? 102 00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:17,260 I mean, I've been smoking since I was 12, you know, on and off, on and off. 103 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:19,660 All of a sudden, I can't quit. 104 00:08:20,580 --> 00:08:23,360 You can quit, Juan. It just might be a little more difficult this time. 105 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:27,820 Do you know that since the Surgeon General's report on smoking in 1964, 106 00:08:27,820 --> 00:08:28,820 million people have quit? 107 00:08:29,940 --> 00:08:30,940 Really? 108 00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:34,900 That's right. I think I read it in Cosmopolitan. 109 00:08:42,220 --> 00:08:44,380 So it's lying around the house, so I read it. 110 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,640 So what? I mean, it's got some interesting articles. 111 00:08:48,260 --> 00:08:50,060 How costumes saved my marriage. 112 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:54,740 Menu planning if you're dating a soccer team. 113 00:08:56,280 --> 00:09:02,020 Hey, you know, Mr. Cartier, it ain't easy to break a bad habit. 114 00:09:02,300 --> 00:09:03,860 Let me tell you guys a little story. 115 00:09:04,540 --> 00:09:05,960 Oh, here we go again. 116 00:09:06,460 --> 00:09:08,860 You know, for a young guy, he's got a lot of stories. 117 00:09:10,830 --> 00:09:12,650 Can't you wait till you get home and tell your wife? 118 00:09:14,310 --> 00:09:15,850 No, I never told you this one before. 119 00:09:16,530 --> 00:09:18,750 When I was about 12, I had a monkey on my back. 120 00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:21,570 That's right, I was hooked on potato knishes. 121 00:09:23,630 --> 00:09:24,910 It all started out innocent. 122 00:09:25,130 --> 00:09:28,050 You know, I was in Coney Island, a young kid walking around Coney Island. This 123 00:09:28,050 --> 00:09:30,310 guy came up to me. He said, hey, kid, come here. 124 00:09:31,030 --> 00:09:32,070 You want a free knish? 125 00:09:33,290 --> 00:09:34,450 I said, sure, why not? 126 00:09:34,730 --> 00:09:36,130 It was free, so I took it. 127 00:09:36,390 --> 00:09:39,650 Next day, same guy. Hey, kid, come here. You want another free knish? 128 00:09:40,270 --> 00:09:44,590 I said, great, it was free, it was easy. I was rolling in clover of free knish 129 00:09:44,590 --> 00:09:46,310 every day. When was it going to stop? 130 00:09:47,370 --> 00:09:49,250 I'll tell you when it stopped, two weeks later. 131 00:09:49,570 --> 00:09:52,350 I went up to the guy and said, hey, mister, where's my free knish? 132 00:09:53,630 --> 00:09:54,910 Hey, I'm sorry, kid. 133 00:09:55,810 --> 00:09:56,950 I got to make a living. 134 00:09:58,470 --> 00:09:59,730 Knishers aren't free anymore. 135 00:10:00,630 --> 00:10:03,990 From that day on, all my money went on knishers, my whole allowance. 136 00:10:04,470 --> 00:10:07,110 I was up to five knishers a day, Barbara. 137 00:10:07,970 --> 00:10:08,970 Five a day. 138 00:10:09,770 --> 00:10:12,290 Then I found out I didn't get the same kick from commissions. 139 00:10:13,510 --> 00:10:15,310 Had to move on to harder stuff. 140 00:10:16,010 --> 00:10:18,130 Real junk food, Horshack. 141 00:10:19,770 --> 00:10:20,770 Malamars. 142 00:10:22,470 --> 00:10:23,470 Devil dogs. 143 00:10:25,190 --> 00:10:26,190 Twinkies. 144 00:10:43,910 --> 00:10:45,030 I had to make a decision, Epstein. 145 00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:48,990 I had to decide whether or not I was going to let junk food rule my life. 146 00:10:49,310 --> 00:10:50,310 Well, what'd you do? 147 00:10:50,910 --> 00:10:52,330 I went cold turkey. 148 00:10:53,090 --> 00:10:54,210 Cold turkey. 149 00:10:54,730 --> 00:10:58,310 That's right. For five days, instead of junk food, I ate nothing but cold 150 00:10:58,310 --> 00:10:59,310 turkey. 151 00:11:02,330 --> 00:11:03,330 That's how I kicked. 152 00:11:03,870 --> 00:11:04,870 Oh. 153 00:11:06,530 --> 00:11:09,670 Truly inspiring story, Mr. 154 00:11:09,930 --> 00:11:10,930 Cotter. 155 00:11:11,150 --> 00:11:12,610 It ought to be a movie. 156 00:11:13,719 --> 00:11:15,700 Man with the golden knish. 157 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:18,940 A hat full of knishes. 158 00:11:19,940 --> 00:11:21,340 The knish connection. 159 00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:24,480 The knish connection. 160 00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:25,880 Look, 161 00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:32,160 Juan, you can quit. People quit every day at those clinics, you know. Wait, 162 00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:33,460 wait, wait a minute, Mr. Cartier. 163 00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:36,880 I mean, Epstein, man, he don't got the kind of money to be paying them smoking 164 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:37,880 clinics. 165 00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:42,980 Epstein's family is so poor. 166 00:11:43,530 --> 00:11:46,370 That on Thanksgiving, they had to rent a turkey. 167 00:11:48,850 --> 00:11:51,510 Look, we'll help you. I mean, we'll do it ourselves. 168 00:11:51,950 --> 00:11:54,970 We'll use the same principle they use at those smoking clinics. It's called 169 00:11:54,970 --> 00:11:56,010 aversion therapy. 170 00:11:56,570 --> 00:11:58,530 Oh, yeah, the perversion therapy. 171 00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:03,290 We just torture Juan till he quits smoking. 172 00:12:03,570 --> 00:12:08,750 It's not torture, Barbarino. It's just therapy to help Juan break his bad 173 00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:12,880 Look at you. Look in the mirror. I can't look at you. Look in the mirror, again. 174 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:13,779 Look at you. 175 00:12:13,780 --> 00:12:15,420 The toughest kid in school. 176 00:12:15,660 --> 00:12:17,460 A slave to a little stick of tobacco. 177 00:12:18,580 --> 00:12:20,060 Besides that, look, you need a haircut. 178 00:12:21,460 --> 00:12:27,080 Juan, tomorrow we shall open up the Sweatheart Clinic for the cure of 179 00:12:27,740 --> 00:12:28,740 Are you ready? 180 00:12:43,050 --> 00:12:44,250 Carter's nose with Ms. 181 00:12:44,550 --> 00:12:45,550 Fishbeck's support hole? 182 00:12:50,650 --> 00:12:52,750 Well, it's not a bad picture of me. 183 00:12:58,090 --> 00:13:03,670 Do you think this will really get me to quit smoking, Mr. Carter? Well, we're 184 00:13:03,670 --> 00:13:06,110 going to try, Juan. The guys are going to be here as soon as they finish their 185 00:13:06,110 --> 00:13:07,530 last period. Come on, sit down. 186 00:13:08,010 --> 00:13:10,990 Now, all we're going to do is try and help you unlearn a bad habit. 187 00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:13,470 Oh, I'm good at that. I already unlearned the whole 10th grade. 188 00:13:15,170 --> 00:13:19,730 What are you doing here? I figured after 3 o 'clock you'd be running around the 189 00:13:19,730 --> 00:13:20,770 neighborhood flicking your pick. 190 00:13:23,250 --> 00:13:25,350 Mr. Woodman, Juan's going to try and stop smoking. 191 00:13:26,010 --> 00:13:27,010 Oh? 192 00:13:27,790 --> 00:13:28,970 Well, it's not that easy. 193 00:13:29,650 --> 00:13:30,930 I remember when I quit. 194 00:13:31,670 --> 00:13:32,670 You smoked? 195 00:13:32,830 --> 00:13:34,170 Yes, years ago, Carter. 196 00:13:35,010 --> 00:13:36,130 I smoked king size. 197 00:13:37,170 --> 00:13:38,750 I thought they made me look taller. 198 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,300 You know why I never smoked? 199 00:13:42,540 --> 00:13:45,580 I think it was those cigarette commercials on television. They turned 200 00:13:45,940 --> 00:13:48,520 I mean, I could never picture myself living in Marlboro country. 201 00:13:49,820 --> 00:13:53,260 The only commercial that always got to me was the one with the dancing 202 00:13:53,260 --> 00:13:55,800 cigarettes. You know, all I could see was the girl's legs sticking out of the 203 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:56,800 big cigarette box. 204 00:13:57,720 --> 00:13:59,160 I don't know, they drove me crazy. 205 00:14:00,620 --> 00:14:04,120 For three years, I wanted to marry a six -foot -tall pack of mentholated old 206 00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:05,120 gold. 207 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:09,140 Listen up there, Mr. Woodman. I heard about a guy once who had a crush on a 208 00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:10,140 camel. 209 00:14:19,660 --> 00:14:23,720 Swan, all we're going to do is try and help you unlearn a bad habit. Yeah, 210 00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:25,580 I'll do anything it takes to stop smoking. 211 00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:29,720 And what are you going to do with that? 212 00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:32,940 Don't worry about it. It's the wall -to -wall carpeting from Mr. Woodman's 213 00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:33,940 office. Let's get him on the carpet. 214 00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:37,880 On the carpet. Okay, Juan, I'll tell you what we're going to do. Me and Vinnie, 215 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,640 we're going to start a little bit of electricity. You know, like create a 216 00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:44,320 Okay, light up. Come on. Your favorite blend. Light him up. Now, every time you 217 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:47,560 take a puff of this, we're going to shock you. So then you won't want to 218 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:48,479 no more. Right. 219 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:49,860 Okay, start. Let's go. You ready? 220 00:14:50,100 --> 00:14:51,100 Ready. Ready? Okay. 221 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:52,320 Okay. 222 00:14:57,460 --> 00:14:59,920 So when are you guys going to shock me? 223 00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:01,840 All right, something's wrong. Get up. Sit over there. 224 00:15:02,180 --> 00:15:04,780 Come on, try it on me. You ready? Yeah. Ready? Okay. 225 00:15:09,660 --> 00:15:10,660 Ow! 226 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:12,760 Okay, sit down. 227 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:13,919 Let's do it. 228 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:15,960 You got to have both your feet on the carpet. Put your feet on the carpet. 229 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:17,000 Ready? 230 00:15:27,020 --> 00:15:28,020 Let's get... 231 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:57,200 This is the patient. 232 00:15:58,100 --> 00:16:00,320 He spots him in your hand. You ever have him before? 233 00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:02,320 Yeah. Well, you got him again. 234 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:08,540 Doctor, do you have the patient's file? I got the patient's file. 235 00:16:13,420 --> 00:16:16,440 File the patient's file. The patient's file is filed. 236 00:16:16,660 --> 00:16:18,960 Now, let's file the patient. File the patient. 237 00:16:19,340 --> 00:16:23,160 Doctor, this reminds me of a case I heard about. A delicate testing owner 238 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:24,640 wasn't only interested in his wife. 239 00:16:25,020 --> 00:16:26,540 When she dressed like a smoked salmon. 240 00:16:26,900 --> 00:16:30,880 Oh, but she's hard on the vice. Yes, especially when he tried to fillet her. 241 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:35,800 Who's the patient? She was in here before. 242 00:16:36,860 --> 00:16:38,380 Where is he? Hello? 243 00:16:41,460 --> 00:16:43,640 So, tell us about your sex life. 244 00:16:43,980 --> 00:16:44,980 What? 245 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:47,800 Your sex life. 246 00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:49,080 Oh, Horschak. Huh? 247 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,680 What is your sex life after there was smoking? 248 00:16:52,020 --> 00:16:53,020 Nothing. 249 00:16:55,790 --> 00:16:56,790 to hear about it. 250 00:16:58,110 --> 00:17:00,910 Well, Shaq, let's leave people's sex lives out of this. 251 00:17:01,150 --> 00:17:02,750 At least until you get one of your own. 252 00:17:06,369 --> 00:17:10,390 Okay, therapy. Let's go. First of all, sight immersion. 253 00:17:11,050 --> 00:17:12,430 Look at this one. 254 00:17:14,750 --> 00:17:15,750 Hi there. 255 00:17:18,210 --> 00:17:23,069 I've been smoking four packs for ten years and I feel perfectly fine. 256 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,320 There is no right and no wrong. 257 00:18:15,860 --> 00:18:21,560 Now, Juan, do you truly wish to give up your disgusting, repulsive smoking 258 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,060 habits? Yes. 259 00:18:23,420 --> 00:18:29,500 Do you think that you can live without the flavor and the aroma of your 260 00:18:29,500 --> 00:18:35,400 blend? Yes. And you will not miss a long, satisfying puff? 261 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:16,440 This is lunch. 262 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,520 Peanut butter and squid. 263 00:19:20,700 --> 00:19:22,120 Or the pumpernickel. 264 00:19:23,780 --> 00:19:25,740 Hold the pickle, hold the relish. 265 00:19:26,980 --> 00:19:28,660 Yeah, but you can't hold it down. 266 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,460 Now this is lunch. 267 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:35,660 Pig knuckles on Jewish rye. 268 00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:38,960 With Virgin Island dressing. 269 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:48,040 just something Julie made. I don't know what it is. I don't know. 270 00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:51,160 Hey, Juan. 271 00:19:51,260 --> 00:19:52,260 Hey, how you doing? 272 00:19:52,500 --> 00:19:53,500 Hey. 273 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,040 Hey, it's been seven days since I had my last cigarette. 274 00:19:57,080 --> 00:20:01,000 You miss cigarettes? 275 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:02,400 Nah. 276 00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:03,480 I got this pipe. 277 00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:06,500 What do you think? 278 00:20:07,100 --> 00:20:10,140 Frankly, Juan, you look like Sherlock Sheephead. 279 00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:15,830 Juan, look, I'm a little disappointed in you. Mr. Carter, I read that smoking a 280 00:20:15,830 --> 00:20:17,990 pipe is a lot less harmful than smoking cigarettes. 281 00:20:18,350 --> 00:20:19,590 Oh, yeah? Well, where'd you read that? 282 00:20:20,090 --> 00:20:21,530 I think it was Cosmopolitan. 283 00:20:21,770 --> 00:20:22,770 All right, look, Juan. 284 00:20:22,990 --> 00:20:25,970 You've got to make up your own mind. I mean, you're old enough to smoke. If you 285 00:20:25,970 --> 00:20:28,250 want to smoke, that's your business. You can make your own decisions. 286 00:20:29,590 --> 00:20:30,590 What is that? 287 00:20:32,610 --> 00:20:33,610 Fuck. 288 00:20:34,730 --> 00:20:36,830 That's a potato caniche. I thought you kicked the habit. 289 00:20:44,940 --> 00:20:45,960 a while, so what's the big deal? 290 00:20:46,260 --> 00:20:49,500 Well, gentlemen, there's only one thing we can do to help this poor, tortured 291 00:20:49,500 --> 00:20:50,500 creature now. 292 00:20:51,020 --> 00:20:52,020 Smell a virgin! 293 00:20:55,740 --> 00:20:58,800 I'm your teacher, not your ordinary knish junkie. 294 00:21:00,060 --> 00:21:03,980 Look, if you had to eat Julie's tuna casserole twice a week, you'd sneak a 295 00:21:03,980 --> 00:21:05,160 knishes once in a while, too. 296 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:09,280 All right, look, Epstein, I got a proposition. 297 00:21:10,020 --> 00:21:13,180 I'll give up knishes if you give up smoking. What do you say? 298 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:15,280 You got a deal. 299 00:21:50,910 --> 00:21:51,910 The Bicentennial Connection 300 00:22:21,900 --> 00:22:25,800 Julie, did I ever tell you about my uncle who was a famous explorer, a 301 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:26,800 frontiersman? 302 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:29,820 You mean he was in all the history books and everything? 303 00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:35,320 Oh, I mean, alongside Daniel Boone and Davy Crockett, you'll find the name of 304 00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:36,320 Hawkeye Cotter. 305 00:22:37,620 --> 00:22:38,620 Yes, 306 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:41,740 you look at any of your books, he's in all of these books. And Hawkeye Cotter 307 00:22:41,740 --> 00:22:45,860 was famous. In fact, I remember one time, my uncle Hawkeye, this is written 308 00:22:45,860 --> 00:22:48,660 history books. I didn't know about it, but I read about it in history books. He 309 00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:50,440 is riding along on his horse, right? 310 00:22:50,750 --> 00:22:53,410 and he sees a man on the prairie with his ear to the ground. 311 00:22:54,150 --> 00:22:56,230 Well, what would he be doing with his ear to the ground? 312 00:22:56,510 --> 00:23:00,050 My Uncle Hawkeye figures he must be listening to something, so he gets off 313 00:23:00,050 --> 00:23:02,970 horse and puts his ear to the ground. He doesn't hear a thing. 314 00:23:03,850 --> 00:23:08,130 He says, uh, excuse me, partner, but I don't hear a thing. 315 00:23:08,930 --> 00:23:11,070 Guy looks at him, he says, I know, it's been like that all day. 316 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:22,740 riding and he sees an Indian. This time the Indian's got his ear to the ground, 317 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:24,860 right? Same as the guy before, okay? 318 00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:31,740 So he says to the Indian, covered wagon, 14, 319 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:37,820 soldiers, cavalry, woman in covered wagon, have baby, 320 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:42,340 14 wagon, one blue. 321 00:23:44,460 --> 00:23:45,700 Uncle said, that's amazing. 322 00:23:46,020 --> 00:23:47,260 You can hear them coming? 323 00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:51,200 And he says, no, ran over me half hour ago. 324 00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:09,780 Welcome back. 325 00:24:11,140 --> 00:24:14,060 Your dreams were your ticket out. 326 00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:16,340 Welcome back. 327 00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:21,000 To that same old place that you laughed about. 328 00:24:21,940 --> 00:24:25,500 Well, the names have all changed since you hung around. 329 00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:29,980 But those dreams have remained and they've turned around. 330 00:24:31,260 --> 00:24:33,180 Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? 331 00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:38,720 Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where 332 00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:44,680 we need ya. We tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the spot. Welcome back. 333 00:24:45,610 --> 00:24:49,210 Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. 334 00:24:49,630 --> 00:24:53,290 Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. 335 00:24:54,450 --> 00:24:57,670 We always could spot a friend. 336 00:24:58,530 --> 00:24:59,930 Welcome back. 337 00:25:00,530 --> 00:25:04,690 And I smile when I think how we must have been. 338 00:25:05,290 --> 00:25:07,670 And I know what it seems. 25521