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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,280 --> 00:00:07,320 Julie, ever tell you about the time I went to visit my Uncle Mo Cotter in the 2 00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:08,640 hospital? No. 3 00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:12,860 Why don't you tell me about the time you went to visit your Uncle Mo Cotter in 4 00:00:12,860 --> 00:00:13,860 the hospital? 5 00:00:14,500 --> 00:00:16,680 Well, I would be delighted to. Good. 6 00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:21,220 See, he was in an oxygen tent, and I went to see him, and he looked up at me, 7 00:00:21,260 --> 00:00:22,440 and he said, Hello. 8 00:00:24,660 --> 00:00:25,660 Hello. 9 00:00:26,620 --> 00:00:27,620 Hello. 10 00:00:29,220 --> 00:00:30,580 What did that mean? 11 00:00:31,150 --> 00:00:33,910 That's what I asked my aunt. I said, what is he trying to say? 12 00:00:34,470 --> 00:00:37,650 She said, he's saying air hose dummy is stepping on the air hose. 13 00:00:44,050 --> 00:00:44,530 Welcome 14 00:00:44,530 --> 00:00:52,750 back. 15 00:00:54,150 --> 00:00:57,030 Your dreams were your ticket out. 16 00:00:58,270 --> 00:00:59,290 Welcome back. 17 00:01:00,270 --> 00:01:03,930 To that same old place that you laughed about. 18 00:01:04,810 --> 00:01:08,390 Well, the names have all changed since you hung around. 19 00:01:09,150 --> 00:01:12,870 But those dreams have remained and they've turned around. 20 00:01:14,150 --> 00:01:18,850 Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here 21 00:01:18,850 --> 00:01:25,150 where we need ya. Back here where we need ya. We tease him a lot cause we got 22 00:01:25,150 --> 00:01:26,310 him on the spot. 23 00:01:26,530 --> 00:01:27,630 Welcome back. 24 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:32,000 Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. 25 00:01:59,050 --> 00:02:00,170 Get your red hot test. 26 00:02:01,390 --> 00:02:03,610 What's that? You say you're not satisfied. 27 00:02:03,870 --> 00:02:05,670 You say you want more for your money. 28 00:02:05,910 --> 00:02:08,130 All right, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. 29 00:02:08,350 --> 00:02:12,910 With each and every test comes a coupon entitling the bearer to a five -pound 30 00:02:12,910 --> 00:02:15,530 wedge of Fatshamata mozzarella cheese. 31 00:02:16,450 --> 00:02:20,890 This is the cheese that you hold up to the light. And you see what little 32 00:02:20,890 --> 00:02:22,870 saw behind the barn door. 33 00:02:24,530 --> 00:02:28,150 Take a test and pass the rest. Take a test and pass the rest. 34 00:02:28,570 --> 00:02:30,150 Hey, Mr. Carter, mine's blank here. 35 00:02:31,350 --> 00:02:32,350 Oh, 36 00:02:34,310 --> 00:02:36,130 yeah, this is one test I think I can pass. 37 00:02:37,530 --> 00:02:38,810 Hey, they're all blank. 38 00:02:39,410 --> 00:02:41,370 Mine has a little note attached. 39 00:02:44,230 --> 00:02:45,230 Dear Mr. 40 00:02:45,370 --> 00:02:52,090 Carter, as usual, by the time I got around to Mimeo -ing the test for your 41 00:02:52,090 --> 00:02:55,290 clear, the Mimeo machine broke down. 42 00:03:18,769 --> 00:03:20,330 She's the one with the bazooties. 43 00:03:25,050 --> 00:03:27,630 All right, all right. I got bad news for everybody. 44 00:03:28,030 --> 00:03:29,130 No test today. 45 00:03:29,950 --> 00:03:33,010 You promised. 46 00:03:35,710 --> 00:03:36,910 All right, look, come on. 47 00:03:37,210 --> 00:03:38,350 Let's get to work, okay? 48 00:03:38,810 --> 00:03:42,350 I want to show you about the coastline of the southern United States. We have a 49 00:03:42,350 --> 00:03:43,350 point. 50 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:51,320 Mr. Woodman for a new map. 51 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:52,600 You know what he told me? 52 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:54,680 Said I should pick one up at the gas station. 53 00:03:55,940 --> 00:03:59,120 You know, Mr. Carter, it's time that you and me did a little business, right? 54 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:03,480 You need supplies and you need money. Well, we could raise money. There's 55 00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:06,120 of ways to raise money. For instance... Oh! Oh! Oh! 56 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:31,140 a little extra money on the hubcaps. 57 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:36,680 Come on, we need an idea with a little class. 58 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,860 Class? Hey, I could sell kisses. 59 00:04:44,340 --> 00:04:46,160 And that's just for openers. 60 00:04:46,460 --> 00:04:47,900 All right, that's enough. 61 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:53,760 That's enough, Vinnie, all right? I got it. Hey, kids, let's put on a show. 62 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:57,080 Hey, I got an idea. Listen to this. 63 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:04,560 In school. Yeah. 64 00:05:05,300 --> 00:05:11,920 It's about time we get Benton off the streets, into the school here. Are you 65 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:13,800 kidding? I'll let you get five to two. That'll never happen. 66 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:15,760 I'll take that bet. 67 00:05:46,990 --> 00:05:50,050 When charities want to raise money, they always go on TV. 68 00:05:51,290 --> 00:05:53,770 And how, pray tell, are we supposed to do that? 69 00:05:54,030 --> 00:05:55,030 Well, Mr. 70 00:05:55,650 --> 00:06:02,330 Carter, I happen to be a frequent watcher of Channel 52 .4. 71 00:06:03,850 --> 00:06:05,110 It's right here in Brooklyn. 72 00:06:05,670 --> 00:06:08,930 Yeah, I know the channel. The only time I can get it is if I hook my antenna up 73 00:06:08,930 --> 00:06:09,930 to my toaster. 74 00:06:11,010 --> 00:06:12,010 That's the one. 75 00:06:13,870 --> 00:06:17,970 Well, Mr. Carter, I feel that they would just leap at the chance for a sweat hog 76 00:06:17,970 --> 00:06:18,970 telethon. 77 00:06:20,750 --> 00:06:23,070 Arnold, why don't you leap back to your seat? 78 00:06:27,310 --> 00:06:28,310 Look, 79 00:06:28,730 --> 00:06:32,930 nobody could possibly convince a television station to do a sweat hog 80 00:06:33,290 --> 00:06:34,970 Nobody in their right mind would even try. 81 00:06:35,530 --> 00:06:36,810 Sure, but we could try. 82 00:06:42,540 --> 00:06:46,240 I want to apologize for the way you and your sweat ox have been treated in 83 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:50,200 regard to supplies and promise you it will never happen again. 84 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:54,000 Ask me why it will never happen again. 85 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:57,680 Why will it never happen again? 86 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,100 It's funny you should ask that, Cutter. 87 00:07:02,460 --> 00:07:08,000 I've been making some budget cuts and unless the money fairy comes up with 700 88 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:09,000 big ones... 89 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:13,360 I'm dropping the remedial academics program for this semester. 90 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:15,600 Mr. 91 00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:19,740 Whitman, you can't do that. I mean, these kids need this program. They have, 92 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,660 special problems. 93 00:07:21,940 --> 00:07:22,940 Yeah. 94 00:07:23,140 --> 00:07:25,180 I know I got special problems. 95 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:29,880 You can't break us up. I mean, we go together. 96 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,380 Like, like submarine and sandwich. 97 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,860 You sweat hogs will be absorbed in the mainstream of the school. 98 00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:40,760 where you will never be seen or heard from again. 99 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:45,480 Let's do it, man. 100 00:07:46,140 --> 00:07:50,080 Hey, hey, he can't do that. Hey, he can't do that. Can he do that? 101 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:51,320 He can do that. 102 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:55,960 Hey, that's just not fair, man. 103 00:07:56,180 --> 00:07:57,940 Well, I am not going to let it happen. 104 00:07:58,180 --> 00:08:04,920 I am going to call up channel 52 .4, if they have a phone, and I am going to 105 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:07,240 convince them into doing a sweat hog telethon. 106 00:08:25,030 --> 00:08:27,350 revolutionary idea you call my TV station about. 107 00:08:27,570 --> 00:08:30,610 Oh, Oliver, thanks for coming over. Well, I don't know how revolutionary it 108 00:08:30,610 --> 00:08:32,309 Hey, don't worry about it, kid. I'm a genius. 109 00:08:33,010 --> 00:08:35,450 Whatever you got, I can make it work. 110 00:08:36,309 --> 00:08:37,830 I got a telethon. 111 00:08:38,450 --> 00:08:39,549 I can't make it work. 112 00:08:40,150 --> 00:08:44,010 Oliver, look, it would be a direct remote right from this classroom. 113 00:08:45,510 --> 00:08:46,590 I've got an idea. 114 00:08:47,370 --> 00:08:48,370 I see. 115 00:08:48,970 --> 00:08:51,390 I see a direct remote from the classroom. 116 00:08:54,830 --> 00:08:56,150 Students working on their own behalf. 117 00:08:56,410 --> 00:08:58,450 I see students working on their own behalf. 118 00:09:02,430 --> 00:09:03,970 Oliver, you're a genius. 119 00:09:04,610 --> 00:09:05,930 Oliver, you're a genius. 120 00:09:08,850 --> 00:09:10,110 Who we got for talent? 121 00:09:10,490 --> 00:09:13,490 Well, my wife sings and I've been known to tell a few jokes. 122 00:09:13,790 --> 00:09:15,970 Really? You don't look funny. 123 00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:18,190 Thank you. 124 00:09:18,630 --> 00:09:21,010 My sweat hogs can perform. 125 00:09:22,470 --> 00:09:23,770 Performing sweat hogs. 126 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:32,440 Those are my students, the sweat hogs. And they've got all sorts of talents. 127 00:09:32,700 --> 00:09:37,740 I'm sure you'd love them if you got a chance to see them. 128 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:12,740 sweet thing is answer the phone. 129 00:11:14,020 --> 00:11:15,020 The phone? 130 00:11:16,140 --> 00:11:18,660 You are doing a telethon with one phone? 131 00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:20,160 Sorry, 132 00:11:20,420 --> 00:11:22,980 Mrs. Carter, but this is all we could appropriate. 133 00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:42,520 With this, I decided to join your show. 134 00:11:42,940 --> 00:11:44,800 Not many people know this, Carter, but I sing. 135 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:23,560 show business my whole life i mean i'm just there's ice water running through 136 00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:24,560 these veins 137 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:36,300 But you're coming back. 138 00:13:37,340 --> 00:13:44,340 Give it to me later. Give it to me later, okay? Just wait over 139 00:13:44,340 --> 00:13:46,500 here for a minute. Let me do a few... 140 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:16,080 Oh, the curly hair? 141 00:14:17,100 --> 00:14:18,800 Oh, that's Juan Epstein, yeah. 142 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:24,240 Hey, Juan, somebody wants to pay money to see your face. Get out in front of 143 00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:29,120 camera. Yeah, so we're counting on all you people from Brooklyn to come in and 144 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:31,340 get us $700 for T -shirts. 145 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:32,800 That's what we need. 146 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:35,640 Thank you very much. This is one of the children's ones. 147 00:14:36,020 --> 00:14:39,100 Hey, Juan, you need to clear. The lady says you ain't the one that snatched her 148 00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:40,100 purse. 149 00:14:44,490 --> 00:14:47,410 with the rest of our telethon, so stay with us. We have a word from station, 150 00:14:47,570 --> 00:14:49,110 identification, and we'll see you in a minute. 151 00:14:49,790 --> 00:14:54,250 Uh, Cotter, Cotter, now that just you, uh, yourself again, uh, introduced me. I 152 00:14:54,250 --> 00:14:56,650 know this is important, Cotter. I'm not using my first name, Michael. 153 00:14:57,450 --> 00:15:00,410 So, uh, just say, ladies and gentlemen, Woodman. 154 00:15:02,630 --> 00:15:05,950 Later, Mr. Woodman, later, okay? Not yet. Later, not yet. 155 00:15:06,710 --> 00:15:11,270 Oh, hi, I see we're back. Well, just follow us right over here, and we're 156 00:15:11,270 --> 00:15:14,420 walk over... to see our tote girl, Verna Jean Williams, and our tote board. 157 00:15:14,860 --> 00:15:17,780 Verna Jean, would you tell us what our total is so far? 158 00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:19,560 Oh, yeah. Oh, sure, sure. 159 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:20,839 Let's see. 160 00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:24,700 So, man, so far we ain't made a plug nickel. 161 00:15:27,500 --> 00:15:31,340 Well, I'm sure you people out there are just waiting for our entertainment to 162 00:15:31,340 --> 00:15:34,120 start, and you're going to send in your money soon, right? 163 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:38,300 Okay. Well, we'd like to start off right now with the boy you just met, the 164 00:15:38,300 --> 00:15:40,520 Puerto Rican Jewish madcap. Here he is. 165 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:48,800 appointed sweetheart groom of Buchanan High School. This is ready. 166 00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:51,120 Boom, boom. I shoot. 167 00:16:53,020 --> 00:16:56,540 Healing for anything you can spare. 168 00:16:57,780 --> 00:16:58,780 Five dollars. 169 00:16:59,860 --> 00:17:01,580 Two dollars. One dollar. 170 00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:02,980 A quarter. 171 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:04,640 Anything at all. 172 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:08,040 A dime. 173 00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:11,760 A dime, you say? 174 00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:56,950 You can see. 175 00:18:44,330 --> 00:18:46,750 that Sicilian songbird, the wonderful... 176 00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:54,580 After seeing our show, and particularly the ventriloquist number, the drunks at 177 00:19:54,580 --> 00:19:56,240 Harry's Bar have pledged to quit drinking. 178 00:19:57,920 --> 00:19:59,680 Thank you, drunks at Harry's Bar. 179 00:20:00,140 --> 00:20:03,680 We have a $15 pledge from Our Lady of Spain Accordion School. 180 00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:07,220 Keep squeezing that accordion. Thank you very much, Our Lady of Spain Accordion 181 00:20:07,220 --> 00:20:08,360 School. Let's see what time it is. 182 00:20:08,660 --> 00:20:12,540 Well, we're almost out of time. Bernard Jean, will you tell us what... 183 00:20:27,980 --> 00:20:30,740 We've had some fun here tonight. You've seen some good entertainment, a good 184 00:20:30,740 --> 00:20:35,680 time. But we're $22 short. And I would like to make a personal plea right now 185 00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:38,580 the teachers out there, teachers that have normal students. 186 00:21:17,390 --> 00:21:19,910 in class and you know the answer, how do you raise your hand? 187 00:21:20,630 --> 00:21:24,810 If you thought something was funny, how would you laugh? 188 00:21:26,670 --> 00:21:28,730 Thank you very much. We need $22. 189 00:21:29,330 --> 00:21:30,510 Barbarino, please come in here. 190 00:21:33,650 --> 00:21:35,390 Barbarino, what did we learn yesterday? 191 00:21:35,910 --> 00:21:36,910 What? 192 00:21:38,670 --> 00:21:40,390 What did we learn the day before yesterday? 193 00:21:41,190 --> 00:21:42,190 What? 194 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:57,600 lady on the phone who says that she'll send in the $22 if you will sing like 195 00:21:57,600 --> 00:21:58,720 used to when you were a little boy. 196 00:21:59,420 --> 00:22:00,920 She says you know the song. 197 00:22:03,940 --> 00:22:06,520 Mom, how did you do this to me, Mom? 198 00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:09,960 Dave, your mother is waiting. 199 00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:11,320 I'm not going to do it. 200 00:23:39,980 --> 00:23:41,340 you know? So he went to a psychiatrist. 201 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:44,820 So the psychiatrist said, Mr. Cotter, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're 202 00:23:44,820 --> 00:23:46,520 schizophrenic. Uh -oh. 203 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:47,900 What did Uncle Ben say? 204 00:23:48,300 --> 00:23:50,560 Uncle Ben said, thank you very much. How much do I owe you? 205 00:23:51,140 --> 00:23:52,380 Psychiatrist says, you owe me $100. 206 00:23:52,660 --> 00:23:54,000 Uncle Ben gives him $50. 207 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,080 Psychiatrist says, where's the other $50? 208 00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:57,680 Uncle Ben says, get it from the other guy. 209 00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:15,440 Welcome back. 210 00:24:16,500 --> 00:24:19,600 Your dreams were your ticket out. 211 00:24:20,580 --> 00:24:26,500 Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about. 212 00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:30,940 Well, the names have all changed since you hung around. 213 00:24:31,660 --> 00:24:35,520 But those dreams have remained and they've turned around. 214 00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:41,400 Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here 215 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:42,840 where we need ya. 216 00:24:44,639 --> 00:24:50,220 Yeah, we tease him a lot because we got him on the spot. Welcome back. 217 00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:54,740 Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back. 218 00:24:55,300 --> 00:25:01,500 Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Welcome back. Welcome 219 00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:04,040 back. Because we got him on the spot. 16739