All language subtitles for Two Guys and a Girl s04e22 The Internet Show

I realize that I haven't been listening
to you. Well, if you... Let me finish.

I kept thinking that if I left you
alone, well, it'd be like giving up on

Now I know that the only chance we have
is if I do, in fact, leave you alone.

Don't change your whole life just
because of a three -day relationship.

What if it doesn't work?

See, that's the difference between me
and you. I'm willing to bet it all on a

hunch.

Well, I can't do that.

What's going on out there? Ashley's
moving day, also known as the greatest

of my life.

Not so rough. That's an armoire. Or
didn't they have nice furniture in

I know. I know what you're thinking. But
even if you could get her into the

armoire, you'd never get away with it.

Hey, you remember that champagne that
Ashley got when she moved in? Yeah.

we can finally open it.

Yeah, you know what? Good riddance. You
know what? If she's going to run away

from her feelings for me, then so be it.

Hey, buddy, you're a mover. Why don't
you start with your ass?

I think I'm going to make the movers
some mimosas.

of the glow -in -the -dark condom, the
lightsaber, have issued an alert. The

lightsaber has been proven to be only 50
% effective.

Apparently, the dyes that they use to
make the condom glow also make them

porous.

Lightsaber?

Hey, Irene, I have a surprise for you.

Turn off the light.

I hope Irene is on the glow -in -the
-dark pill.

Hey, I know you guys have been working
really hard. So, I brought you some

lemonade. And you, some deodorant.

Hey, Ash.

Anything I can do to help you move? Oh,
Johnny, that is so sweet.

Yeah, sooner you're out, sooner we're
in.

Of course, you're going to have to
paint. Boy, how some people live.

Why are you... guys moving back in here
anyway? Isn't it about time you loaded

up the truck and moved to Beverly?

Tell her, honey.

There's nothing to tell. Just a couple
days late. What?

I knocked her up.

Anyway, nothing has been confirmed yet.
Wait a minute. Are you sure that you're

late? Because you and I are, you know,
synchronized swimmers.

You don't have to use euphemisms in
front of him. He's comfortable with

about the visit.

Wow, you're pregnant, too.

No, I am definitely not pregnant.

Oh, how do you know?

Because I'm about to start a residency 3
,000 miles away at Stanford, and if I

were pregnant, that would complicate
things, therefore I'm not.

That'll be a good story to tell your
illegitimate baby.

I'm on the pill, even though I'm not
entirely committed to it.

Well, have you talked to Pete about
this? No, I'm not going to talk to Pete

because I'm not pregnant.

Well, if you were, it'd be great. I
mean, your kid could look down on our

and our kid could walk your kid to
therapy.

I don't know. I don't know if I'm ready
for being pregnant. You know, I just

started a job that I absolutely love.

On the other hand, I wouldn't have to
work.

All the talk is kind of pointless until
you know for sure.

Yeah, you're right. Thank you.

Oh! What is it?

The baby. I think I just felt a kick.

Pete, I need a favor. Sure. Could you
ask Irene for a cup of urine?

Why? Are we out?

What's going on?

I need a sample to find out if he's
pregnant.

What?

Oh, my God, Berg, this is bad. This is
really bad. I mean, it doesn't get worse

than this. Oh, I don't know. I'm not the
one going to get the pee -pee.

Hurry up.

Okay, um, A, ew, no way.

B, use your own cup.

Fine, then you force me to go to plan B.
Avoid the bathroom.

I'm raking the toilet.

You can do it, Sharon.

Having a career and being a mother are
not mutually exclusive.

You just won't excel at either.

Yeah? Well, I heard pregnancy makes your
feet grow half the size. Look at these

boats!

My body will never be the same.

And their bodies will never be the same.

But their boobs get bigger.

Yeah, but you have to get in line behind
the baby.

All right, let's work. I gotta go.
Listen, before you drive yourself nuts,

over there, tell her the truth, and find
out one way or the other. I can't, all

right? She's gonna take some desperate
stunt to get her back.

Look, I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna
start some big drama with Irene until

sure there is some big drama with Irene.
What are you gonna do if she is

pregnant?

Peter, I love her, okay? And if she is,
and she wants me, I'm gonna do the right

thing. Of course, if she isn't, I'll
high -five everyone in Boston!

Well, listen, either way it turns out,
good luck.

Hey. Hey. You got it.

Man,

am I glad I'm not you.

This is so weird.

I mean, what are the chances of both of
us being pregnant?

Well, not very likely.

That's another reason I'm sure it's only
you.

Will you please go take a test with me?

Okay, fine.

But I've got to stop on the way and get
a bigger bra. I do not know what's going

on with these babies.

Come on, Irene.

Open up. I know you're in there.

Fine. Have it your way.

And lift it.

Hey, Roger.

Wow. Somewhere there's a naked G .I. Joe
doll.

Well, how do you know? I'm in the Army
for church.

Oh, what do they use you for? To deliver
magazines to the front?

Burt, you promised me you would leave me
alone.

Irene, just let me break his neck. It'll
take two seconds.

That's okay.

I can handle this. Now you just go play
war.

Hey, Burt.

Sleep tight.

But sleep with one eye open.

I caught the ex -boyfriend report,
partly irritating today, with a good

of annoying for the rest of the week.

Hold on, just wait a second. You don't
have cable, right?

Well, I did until I found out I was
getting it for free, and then I had it

disconnected.

Well, you know, I thought you might like
to know that the History Channel is

airing a special on the sinking of the
Titanic.

I love the Titanic.

You know, I died on that ship in a past
life.

I was a baroness from Austria who was
wrestled from my rightful seat on the

lifeboat by a haberdasher named...

Peterson.

I remember you saying that once, and
somehow it just stuck with me.

Anyway, I thought you might like to
watch it at my place. Hey, maybe you'll

some of your old friends.

It's just a ploy to get me to spend time
with you. No, actually, no. Look, I

won't even be there. I won't even be
there. Hey, look, sit down, enjoy the

have a snack, relieve yourself, and
you're out.

We got her under control, fellas.

Is everybody on? Two on the
counterforce, sir. Okay, we've got men

building. I'll go.

You sure?

It's too dangerous.

They're due to retire next week.

I know.

I hate my wife.

Sir, that building's not going to hold.
And I lost Donnelly.

Johnny's inside?

I'm going back in.

Okay, Dunville.

Godspeed. Thanks.

Now that's a...

You don't see courage like that every
day.

I had a pebble in my boot.

to the truck.

Listen. Listen, I'm gonna get you out of
here, all right? You're not gonna die.

Yeah, good.

Can't die on the day I found out
Sharon's pregnant. What?

Oh, God!

I'm sorry.

Hey, congratulations!

Well, not for sure yet, but I got a
powerful seed.

There seems to be a lot of that going
around in the building.

Yeah, so, Ashley told you she forgot to
take her pill?

She's not pregnant. How do you know?

Two pitchers of iced tea in the fridge
and the bathroom's right over there.

Yeah, I know where your bathroom is.
Yeah, and if you don't want the tea,

there's coffee, lemonade, juice, lots
of, uh, juice in the bathroom right over

there. Yeah, you already said that.

Oh, and I set out a bowl of warm water
in case you want to soak your cuticles.

It's about to start. You said you'd
leave. Right, but before I do... What?

me turn on my serenity serum.

Isn't that nice?

I can't believe they put the pregnancy
test kits right next to the tampons.

It's like they're cruel little jokes.

So, which way are you leaning? You want
the one with the baby on the box or the

dancing lady with a life?

I don't know. Something in between.

Give me the sunset.

Oh, gosh. The sunset's $50.

Oh, well, here's one that's $5.

off Johnny's face.

Hey, um, Ash, are you sure you don't
want to take a test?

I'm telling you, I'm not pregnant. I'm
just starving.

That's the third candy bar you've had
since you've gotten here. Well, it helps

get the taste of pickles out of my
mouth.

Oh, hi.

Oh, what a cute little girl.

What's your name?

Oh, Isabella. Oh, look how she clings to
her mommy.

She does that all day.

All day? My God, how do you pry her?

Thank you.

Once you have kids, you can't imagine
your life without them. I'm having a

Congratulations!

Yeah, I hope she looks just like
Isabella.

Yeah, what if it's a boy?

I'm going to get some pretzels.

Hey, hey, hey. Where are you going? The
program's over. I drank two quarts of

tea, so I really need to use my
bathroom.

Why don't you use the bathroom in my
apartment?

Some numb nut put a bowl in the toilet.

Oh, my God. What did I put in the
dishwasher?

What is going on here?

Okay, okay. All right. Look, um... Do
you remember when we used those glow -in

-the -dark condoms?

Turns out a magic shop isn't the best
place to buy contraception.

What are you talking about?

Well, they're sort of defective.

What?

How defective? They should have called
them whiffle condoms. Oh, my God!

Oh, my... What took you so long to tell
me?

Well, I was hoping I wouldn't have to. I
didn't want to upset you. I know how

much you worry.

So that's why you're trying to take my
tinkle?

for me.

Listen, Irene, if you are pregnant, I
want you to know something.

I want to marry you.

Oh, you are the man I thought you were.

Maybe I could learn to start trusting
you again.

And this would be such a special moment.

If I didn't have to go to the bathroom
so bad.

Irene, wait. What?

Save me a little.

Not hurt? I've gotten God we trust
burned into my hand.

I'm so worried about you.

Oh, honey, I was fine.

Don't you ever do that again.

I will not raise a child on my own.

Are you? No, no, no, no. I haven't taken
the test.

I'm starting to hope that I am.

Ashley?

Is there something that you need to tell
me?

Oh, yeah.

Sharon might be pregnant.

No, no, something about you.

Am I going to be the father of Satan's
spawn?

Well, I don't know. I didn't take the
test yet either.

All right, well, look, I just want to
let you know that if you are, then I'm

going to do the right thing.

You'll marry me?

No, I'll get an attorney and fight for
custody.

Look, I just want to be there for you
and the baby.

Pete, we've been over this. I am going
to California. It's too important. Being

pregnant doesn't change anything.

Yeah, I want to hear you say that when
the baby's crowning.

Okay, there is no point in arguing about
this right now. All right, you're

right. You go in there and take your
test, and I'll go down to the chapel and

pray I'm sterile.

Hi.

Hi.

I want you to know I broke up with
Roger.

Really? Yeah.

Couldn't continue to date him knowing my
heart truly belonged to someone else.

Oh.

I also took a pregnancy test. I might
have led with that one.

Berg, I know I've put you through a lot.

But in doing so, I've seen what an
excellent partner you'd make.

And I consider myself a very lucky
woman. Yeah, lucky.

Get to the point.

That being said, no, I'm not with child.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Thank God.

Thank God!

You're happy too, right? Oh, my God!
Thank you!

Now, how do you celebrate not being
pregnant?

You know what that means?

It means we'll just have to try again
and again and again and again.

Ashley?

Yeah.

Yes, your name is Ashley?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Well, you're going to stay,
right? Pete, I've thought about this. I

can't stay.

Well, you get back in there and think
some more.

Pete, my plane leaves in an hour. I will
call you from California.

I can't let her leave?

Pete, what are you going to do?

I don't know.

But I can't let the dingo take my baby.

And as a special treat, here are the
endings you didn't pick.

Well?

Ashley?

Oh, thank God.

Thank God you're barren.

Why say we get drunk?

Oh, I can't. I got a plan to catch.

Oh, actually, Elsie, hold up. Come on.
Gosh.

Oh, we're going to miss you.

Aren't we, Johnny?

Huh?

Oh, yeah. Yes.

I also took a pregnancy test. I'm going
to let you have one. Ferb, I know I've

put you through a lot, but in doing so,
I've seen what an excellent partner

you'd make, and I consider myself a very
lucky woman. Yeah, lucky.

Get to the point.

That being said, yes, I am with child.

Why?

I know.

Um, come here.

Listen, I want you to know that I'm
going to be there for you, okay?

You don't have to worry about a thing. I
will be a great daddy, huh?

Ashley?

Oh, thank God.

Thank God you're barren.

I'm a daddy.

Oh, I'm going to have a son.

It's a girl.

Congratulations, guys.