All language subtitles for Two Guys and a Girl s04e12 Give Mommy a Kiss

What a terrible day. Thanks for coming
to my rescue, Michael. Hey, you know

what? Look, I'm just glad that I could
repay you all.

Now we're even from when I wet the bed
at Jason Gelati's sleepover.

What happened to all the gentlemen?

You know what? The problem with
gentlemen is that they tend to meet

gentlemen.

Holy May December!

So, how you been?

Pretty damn good.

Cut the ribbon, Berg. Who is she and
what's she doing in your apartment?

Wouldn't you like to know?

That's why I think I have a right to
know. Well, file a complaint with the I

Blew My Shot with Berg Committee and
we'll review it.

In the meantime, there's a lady inside
who thinks I have the cutest little

tushy.

Oh, hey, Mrs. Bergen. Hi.

What are you doing?

Huh? I'm just looking for the stapler.

I split my pants.

Well, don't you have another pair?

Yeah, yeah.

I split those, too.

Oh, well, come over here. I have a
travel kit. I'll fill them for you. Oh.

Really? Oh, great. That would be great.
But could you hurry up? Because Captain

Shaw's waiting in the fire truck.

Thanks.

Take them off, Peter.

Oh, right. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

So how did it happen anyway?

It was my own fault, really.

You know, when I was dating Marty, I had
them taken in to show off my butt.

So what happened to Marty?

Well, she ran away and my pants were too
tight to run after her.

Listen. bergen i really really
appreciate that my pleasure so was it

getting over marty sort of sort of you
know they say it takes half the length

the relationship to put it behind you so
you know by thursday next week i'll be

fine

wow

i'd hate to follow you up the ladder

Oh, is that the last of the Marty butt
pets?

No, I still have the cords.

Let's move it, Alice.

Oh, that's Captain Shaw, and he sounds
mad.

Okay, you put these on. I'll tell him
you'll be out in a minute. Thank you.

Done now.

Get your butt out here.

Get the light on.

I'm sorry.

Forgive the salty language. I was
looking for... I'm Captain Shaw.

It's nice to meet you, Captain. I'm
Susan. Oh, you don't have to call me

Captain. Call me Felix.

Felix.

Mom, why didn't you name me Felix?

Pete will be out in a minute.

Oh, no hurry.

Where's the fire?

So, do you live here in town, or are you
just visiting with your husband?

Oh, no, I don't have a husband. I have
an ex.

At least until he, um, started his car.

Actually, we're divorced.

Oh, that's nice.

Not nice, of course.

My wife died.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Recently?

I think so.

Hey, Felix.

You want to take my mom out?

Michael? Hey, come on.

Seems like a nice guy. Come on, don't be
shy, we say, huh? Actually, my Elks

Lodge is having a mixer this Saturday,
if anybody hasn't already asked you.

Well, if you don't go, I will.

So, you should probably go.

Okay, sweetie. Sweet, sweet, sweet,
sweet, sweet. Come here.

Tell me what you notice different.

A new sweater.

No, I bought this yesterday.

Okay.

But I'll give you a hint.

It is in the kitchen.

Did you cook dinner?

No, sweetie, of course not.

But if I did, I'd wash the dishes in
this fabulous new dishwasher.

Oh, what? I don't understand. Why do we
need a dishwasher?

No, just last Christmas. I got you the
sponge where you put the soap in the

handle.

We have $25 ,000 from the insurance
money.

Ellen, not a good time. Tell me what?

I've got a great stock hit for you.
Okay, sorry.

Not our thing. Well, just hear out.

I mean, why can't we make our money work
for us?

Why can't we make the soap handle
miracle sponge work for us?

I'm telling you, this stock... is going
to skyrocket. When I was at the

hospital, I met the CEO of a company
called Systems Industries.

They're going to merge with Alka
Chemicals.

And what, what, he just told you like
that?

Well, he kind of yelled it out when they
zapped him with the paddle.

How much is it per share?

$24.

All right, we'll take one.

One share?

So, um...

Can you do that right away, or do you
have to move some stuff around overseas?

We'll take one.

Maybe if it does all right, we'll buy
another one. I'll call my broker right

now.

Come on, Ash. Let's get going.

Johnny's about to open his wallet, and
he doesn't want us to see the

combination.

Hey, Irene. I guess you didn't catch the
weather forecast.

calling for winter.

What are you doing out here? What does
it look like?

Just take care.

And the camouflage?

Your new woman hasn't left all night.

Well, can you blame her? It's 20 degrees
out. Why don't you wait in the hall?

Oh, and Mr. Sneaking out the window?
Yeah, clearly you've never stopped

so shh.

Okay, all right.

I'm starting to feel bad about this.
Okay, look, that woman that spent the

night, that's my mother.

Okay, that's disgusting.

No,

I was just trying to make you jealous.

Well, nice try.

Okay, all right, look, cut.

Let's cut the bull, all right? Look,
I... God, I mean, I want us to be

and I think, I think that... I think
that you do, too.

Well, you know I do.

I've been up all night.

My stomach's in my heart. My heart's in
my throat. My snot's frozen solid.

Kiss me.

Berg, I am so happy. Me too. Okay, let's
go meet your mom. I hope she likes to

be tickled.

I'm sorry. What?

Gosh, I should probably bring a gift.

Okay. Okay, all right, Irene.

Why? I really just don't think that
right now is a good time to meet, Mom.

Why? Well, because, you know... Okay,
let's just go upstairs and say quick

-do. Yes, we could, but you know how
important first impressions are. I mean,

you don't want to rush that, right? Hey,
why don't you take the weekend?

You know what? You're right. Yeah. I am
going to make this special. Okay. This

is one boyfriend's mother who is not
going to ban me from the house.

Hey, girlfriend.

Hey, boyfriend.

Huh? I'm just going to get rid of that
right there. Oh, okay.

Oh, no.

Bertie, you can't use those to zip up
your dress.

No, we use that to get the hair out of
the thing.

You're my savior. Can you help me? My
zipper's stuck.

Yeah. I will zip that.

Okay, there we go. All zip, zip, zip,
zippity -doo -dah.

Thank you.

Well, I'm looking forward to the mixer
at the Elks Lodge.

I wouldn't be.

And your Captain Shaw seems to be a
very, very nice man. The terrific guy.

Oh, my God. What if he wants me to wear
antlers?

Strap you to the hood of the car and
drive you home.

Hey, look, I know it's hard getting back
into the dating world, but I promise

eventually you're going to meet somebody
who's going to make you laugh and feel

happy again.

Thanks. And you will, too. Oh, yeah,
right. Have someone else thump all over

heart? I don't think so.

Don't talk like that. You're a wonderful
man.

Come on, you're just being nice.

I'm not.

You just need someone who appreciates
how bright and sensitive and funny you

are. Whatever woman gets you will be
very lucky.

Oh, my God!

My God!

What was I thinking?

I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot, idiot,
idiot, idiot, idiot.

Hey, look what I found, and he brought
me candy.

These are for you.

Oh, jeez. What a pistol.

I got to go. I'm late for something.
Good night.

These are for you.

Thank you, Felix.

Look at you two.

I'm going to go call my friends. I got a
new dad.

Oh.

It's a better load.

that dishwasher.

Cute.

Oh, wow. Look at that. That stock that
Ashley told us about has really gone

down.

Damn it. These dishes are just slippery.

Thank God you were too chicken to buy
more than one share. If it were up to

I would have put all our money into that
thing.

Yeah, that would have been pretty dumb.

I have to go to the store to get some
coffee for the morning. Is there

else that we need? No.

Just coffee.

Now get that cheap kind. That's my
favorite.

Actually, when you get home, when you
get down here, it's Johnny.

Boy, I hope this isn't an aneurysm.

You're working overtime again.

You've been here for two days.

The fire's been around for 10 billion
years. I got a lot of catching up to do.

Attaboy. I like your attitude.

So what do you hear from the angel from
Albany these days?

Mrs. Bergen? Gee, you know, I haven't
really seen her. I had to get out of the

house.

You know, because it was Felix this and
Felix that. I mean, I like you, sir, but

how much can a guy take?

You know, there's something about that
girl.

It makes me feel young again.

Oh, enough said.

If anybody asks for me, I'll be in the
office going a few rounds with the old

roller.

Make me a meatball sandwich, will you,
Pete?

Hey, but sir, don't go too long on that
ab roller, or else it'll be less of you

to love.

Oh, my God.

I'll have one of those.

Mrs. Bergen, hey.

Listen, I'll get the captain if you'd
like. He's in his office.

No, I want to talk to you. Pete, I know
why you haven't been home.

Yeah, yeah, I'm just breaking in the old
overtime.

No, you don't want to see me.

No, no, no, no. It's not that I don't
want to see you. It's just that I wish I

was never born.

Look, I'm just... I'm really embarrassed
about the other night. I was completely

out of line. Please accept my apology.

You don't owe me an apology.

I owe you one. No, no, it was me.

Believe me, I had no business trying to
kiss you.

So why did you?

I don't know, you know.

God, you looked so beautiful and you
smelled so nice.

You know, not that I'm in the habit of
smelling my friend's mom.

Although I always like the smell of my
friend Ricky Peck's mom. She smelled

lasagna.

You're the first man I've felt
comfortable around since the divorce.

Yeah, well, you're the first woman to
get my pants off since Marty.

Now, see, you make me laugh.

I wanted you to kiss me, but I was
scared.

Um, okay. I've been really bad at
reading signals lately.

So, is this a good one?

Very.

Fourteen. That's a record.

Susan.

Hi.

There he is. You wanted to see him, and
there he is.

Hi, Keelan.

You took me up on a tour of the station,
huh?

Yes.

Let's see.

This is the kitchen. I bet you knew
that.

This is the garage, of course. And
that's the pole.

It's for down.

We use the stairs.

It's for up.

There

you

are. Where have you been?

How dare you talk to me like I'm your
wife.

Have you seen the business section?

Huh? Our stock is down a dollar. Not a
dollar. Two dollars. That's twice that.

Two times one. That's two.

And it's all your fault.

Here, Johnny. Here is your $2. Your
retirement fund is now intact.

You don't understand.

I sank everything we had into that
stock.

Huh. Well, I'm no economist, but that
was stupid.

Why would you do that?

I wanted to show Sharon that I'm a good
provider. I wanted to put a big pile of

money in front of her and say, here,
here's a big pile of money I made for

Well, the good news is now she can't
take anything from you in the divorce.

No, wait, I just... I have a plan.

I want you to kill me.

Ooh, I'd love to.

But first, why don't you check the
financial channel?

The merger went through. You doubled
your money.

What? I... You... Wait a second. Are you
screwing with me?

I was before, and it was fun.

But now I'm not.

You're a rich man, Johnny, and all
thanks to who?

You!

You!

You!

Why the happy dance?

Johnny's stock went up.

Oh, boy, now we can send our kids to
public school.

No, just, okay, just one long Ashley.

Why don't you tell her about the money?

I was buying this guy fantasy money. No,
no, she's not touching any of this.

You going to a wedding?

I hope.

No, I just wanted to look my very best
when I met your mom.

Oh, rats, dadgummit, all the heck, she's
not here.

Okay, well, I'll just wait.

Ah, yeah, you know what?

She is going to be gone all day, and you
should go hang up that dress. You know,

you don't want to de -poof that.

Oh, all right. Well, maybe some other
time. Yeah. Huh?

Yeah.

just about to introduce you.

Oh, my God.

You're embarrassed by me.

What? No, how... Hey, how could you say
that? Let's talk about this in your

apartment. Oh, you are.

That's why you never told anyone about
us.

No. Yes, I kept it a secret because I
didn't want Pete to know.

But you kept it a secret because you're
ashamed of me. No, Irene, that... No,

that's just... Holy smokes, what?

Berg, if you can't even introduce me to
your mother, then I really don't see

much of a future for us. Oh, come on.

Hey.

Where are you going?

Oh, honey, I need to go home. I need to
be alone for a while.

What? I thought the reason that you came
here was because you didn't want to be

alone. Look, if it's...

It's because things didn't work out with
Captain Shaw. Don't give up, okay?

Because you're going to meet someone.

Actually, I may have.

You did?

Well, that's great, right?

Not really.

It's kind of an awkward situation.

I'm worried about what people might
think.

I'm worried about what you might think.

No.

Well, who is it?

No, I'd rather not. Okay, you know what?
That's fine. You know what?

You don't need to tell me, okay?

It's not a woman, is it?

Well, did the guy make you happy?

Yes.

Okay, well, then who cares what I think?
Because, you know, growing up, you

always said, whatever makes you happy,
you go for it.

But, honey, I was talking about the
figure skating.

That's a bad example.

But good advice. Can you wait here for a
second?

Mom, I'd like to introduce you to what
makes me happy.

This is my girlfriend, Irene. Irene,
this is my mom, Susan.

We were lovers for some time. At first,
nothing serious. Just sex.

And we don't care who knows. Except
Pete. Don't tell Pete.

Pete? Don't be silly. Why would I tell
Pete?

Tell me what?

Oh, about the surprise party we're
planning for you. Oops!

Oh, well, there's always next year.

Oops again!

Are you leaving?

Oh, no, no, no. She was going to leave
because she thought I wouldn't approve

the new man in her life.

Oh, God. I gave her my blessing.

Really?

Yeah.

That's great.

That's great.

Yes, and he didn't even want to know who
it is. Way to go, Mrs. B.

I've never been happier, but I'm really
worried. What if Bert finds out?

Pete, I raised an understanding and
sensitive son.

And this other son of yours, will he
talk to Bert?

I came in a figure from you. I'm not
saying you are.

But, uh, let's just say you are.

You're trying to trick me into admitting
something. Pete, please.

I'm his mother, and frankly, he's not
that clever.

You're fine.