All language subtitles for Two Guys and a Girl s04e11 Burning Down the House

Hey, Johnny. Uh -huh? Did you know that
contrary to popular belief, the smell of

smoke may not actually wake you? That's
why we have smoke detectors?

Because smoke detectors, Johnny, what do
they do?

They save lives. They save lives.

Right. See, the smoke and the poisonous
gases can actually numb the senses,

lulling you into a deeper sleep.

I kind of like this conversation.

Okay, that's Sharon. I want her to speak
this room perfect. Get rid of this box.

It's finished.

And it's beautiful.

Yeah, I know.

See, all these fixtures, they're all
antiques, all extremely rare, except for

this one, which I got at Target.

I, um, I, uh, installed the smoke
detectors.

Whatever. God, I love this place. It
only takes six months.

And, like, 85 years.

It's great. I mean, look at it.

You know, I mean, you want to entertain,
you use this room.

You know, you want to hang out with
junkies and pee on the floor, you use

room.

Okay, okay, so what are we going to get
started on the rest of the house?

Okay, funny story about the sitting
room. It took up a little more of our

savings than I thought it would.

Oh, okay. How much more?

All of it more.

What are you saying? That we have no
money? That we're broke?

But it's full of love.

Johnny!

For those of you keeping score, 81
points.

This house has been nothing but trouble.
No, sweetie, listen.

Don't worry, all right? I got us into
this mess. I will get us out of it.

Word of God, I'll do whatever it takes.

I'm sure it's going to be all right,
guys.

Here you go.

What's that?

That's a bill for the smoke detectors.

What goes here?

Hey, Mrs. Bergen.

Hey, you look great.

Yeah, I know.

You know, it's two months since
Halloween. You can take off your costume

Oh, no, no, no. I'm a fireman now. But
you're not working.

No.

Well, it's a good thing you're not a
clown.

You two should go on the road.

Just get my own bag. Come on, please.
Lift with your knees.

Wow.

Wow, your mom looks horrible, I know.

The divorce has been really hard on her,
so I just wanted to show her a good

time, you know, like my dad used to do.

It's going to bore me into a coma, but
I'm going to take her antiquing to the

museum. Ooh, ooh, and then you know
what? You have to go to Cafe Maurice and

the creme brulee.

You know, because that's where all us
firemen get our...

Pastries.

Bye, Ms. Bergen.

So, what's on the agenda tonight?

Oh, well, I thought we'd check out the
Fine Arts Museum. Apparently, there's a

display of fine art.

Yawn. What?

That's the sort of stuff you and Daddy
used to do.

Michael, it's time you knew.

Your dad's a geek.

Well, what would you like to do?

Let's get drunk.

I'm sorry.

When did you start drinking?

About 10 this morning.

Okay, it's cute when I do it.

All right, fine. Okay, look, we'll go
have one drink, and then we'll go check

out the ice sculptures in Boston
Commons.

Yeah, or we could get an icicle and jam
it in my eye.

There's my baby boy.

And there's the lady who was dancing to
Fever on top of the bar last night.

Till you pulled me off, party pooper.
Okay, you start wearing slacks. You can

dance in any bar you want.

Mrs. Bergen?

Ashley.

Hey, man, your new chick is hot.

She is my mother. She is not hot. She is
warm and snuggly.

But she's like a nine.

Watch what you say around her. They just
got divorced.

Oh, so she's like available, huh?

So, are you ready to go to dinner?

Oh, you know what? I can't. I'm not
going to leave until ten. I'm sorry.

Oh, hey.

Why don't we have dinner?

Okay. Absolutely not. Hi.

See,

my mother and my ex -girlfriend are not
going out.

Why? I don't know. It's creepy.

Hey, if you're going to talk me up, at
least introduce me.

Oh, I cannot believe my mother's staying
out all hours.

Hell's gotten into her. I've seen this
before. She's in her terrible 40s.

Unit 12, what's your 20?

You talking to lonely truckers again?

to go to where the fires are, you know?
Gain experience up close.

Okay. I'll shove your head in the oven.
You keep your eyes open.

That's a good one.

My parents are still married.

What time is it?

Five after 11.

I told her 10 .30.

I must have forgotten to wind my watch.
Oh, the unwound watch trick. You got

that from me.

These two gentlemen were kind enough to
walk us home. This is Marcel, and this

is Stanley.

So, um, maybe we'll see you guys again
tomorrow night.

It was nice to meet you, Marcel.

Great. Um, so, this is good night.

Good night. Good night, Stanley.

Good night, Michael.

Good night, Stanley.

Could we have a moment, please?

Absolutely, Mom. I think the men need to
talk.

So, Stanley, what do you do for a
living?

I teach high school English. That's very
respectable.

Where do you live?

Over on Newberry.

Oh, that's a hip neighborhood. You must
be the cool teacher.

What do you drive?

I have a minivan.

Also known as the Shaggin' Wagon? I
don't think so. You just peddle your

someplace else.

What is wrong with you? He was a nice
guy. That was just rude.

You know what? He's always rude. I don't
think you raised him right.

You know, we had a wonderful evening
until I broke... curfew. Okay, Mom, I'm

only going to say this once. I don't
like your new friend. That Ashley girl?

Nothing but trouble.

Michael, lighten up. I'm going to spend
time with whoever I want. You know, I

think I've heard enough. We'll talk
about this tomorrow.

Go to my room.

Good night, kids.

Good night.

I cannot handle her anymore. She's out
of control.

Oh, Bart, ease up. She's just trying to
have a little fun. Yeah, you know what

fun leads to? Laughter. Happy memories?
Okay, shut up.

Who wants to go?

Repeat, two alarm fire at 106 Devon
Road.

106 Devon Road? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Move it. That's my house.

What? I left my drill there.

Hey, you've got to stay on the other
side of the line. Oh, no, no, no. It's

okay. Dunville with the 54th.

Stand down.

Backstage pass to fires.

Sorry I'm not more excited, Pete, but my
house is far into the ground.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but when that
happens to most people, they have to

from the curb.

Sharon! Hey, sorry, sir, you're... Oh,
no, no, no, no.

It's cool.

Hey, I got your message. You want to go
home? Are you okay?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

It's gone.

It's completely gone.

Oh, honey.

Hey, Johnny, I'm really sorry, man.

Thanks.

Hey, listen, why don't I leave you two
alone for a little while?

Hey!

Dunville with the 54th! When are we
going to play you guys in softball?

dreams for us.

I'm so, so sorry.

You know what, Johnny? It's okay. You do
not have to be brave for me. Just go

on. Let it out. Let it out.

This is so great!

What?

Oh, honey, we were so screwed.

I think every penny we had into this
place, and the more I spent, the more it

just kept sucking me in deeper and
deeper. This was the biggest mistake.

I ever made.

54th. Oh, Hammy, fire inspector.

Any idea what caused her to go up?

I know better in the light of day.

No one was living here, so that rules
out things like irons, candles, and so

forth. Could be electrical.

I wouldn't rule out arson.

Really?

Really? Who would want to do that?

Be surprised.

It's a sick world out there.

You mind? We just suffered a great loss.

All right, you know what?

I'm going to get right to the point.

I know you burned your house down.

All right, I'm going to get right to the
point.

You're sitting on a Fig Newton.

Laugh it up, firebug.

Come on, Pete, you can't be serious. I
am serious.

You know, arson is the fifth leading
cause of death in this country.

Or it's heart disease. I can't remember.
It was a quick read.

Pete, I had nothing to do with that
fire. Then where were you last night?

I was at my mother's.

Mother's? What were you doing there?

Drinking.

Drinking at your mother's house? She's
hard to take.

So if I was to call her right now, she'd
back up your story?

Who?

Your mom.

What are you doing with my mom's phone
number?

Cut the crap.

All right, because there's going to be
an investigation, and it'll go easier on

you if you just come clean. He said he
didn't do it. Oh, and with you busting

his hump 24 hours a day? Hey, Johnny,
why did you buy that dump? Johnny, we

no money. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
We live in a basement.

Oh, my God, he did do it.

I didn't. Okay, beep, beep, beep. Come
on, you have to help. Even if I wanted

to, I can't unless I know how he did it.
I didn't do it. Pete, you've been my

friend long before you were a fireman.
Please, help us.

All right.

All right, all right. I'll go over there
and I'll clean up your mess.

But I'm doing it for her, not for you.

Come on, you believe me, don't you?

Oh, baby.

Of course I do.

There you are.

Burke, I heard about Sharon and Johnny's
house. How are they?

How are they?

Okay, their house burned down. I'll give
them that.

But while that was happening, you were
gallivanting around town with my mother,

so the question is, how is Burke? And I
gotta tell you, he's not doing too good.

Burke, we had a great time. What's the
big deal? I don't want you hanging out

with my mother anymore.

Well, I'm glad you said this. It'll give
us something to laugh about when we go

out tonight.

Oh, look, look, I'm furious.

Here, okay, I don't want you taking her
places. I don't want her meeting men,

especially the type of freaks you go out
with.

Ferg, your mother's an adult. Maybe you
should start acting like one, too.

Okay, you know, I am an adult, actually.
And as an adult, I'm going to say this

once, so I'll make myself perfectly
clear.

I'm her little boy. She's my mommy.
That's the way we're going to keep it.

Good, Inspector, it's you.

Because I heard a noise, and I thought
that maybe it was, you know, looters.

What are you doing here, Dunville?

Oh, I'm just looking around.

You know, I'm always humbled by fire.

How she can be so helpful, yet so
hurtful.

Well said.

So, um, did you figure out what started
it?

Yes, I did.

Really? What?

I'll show you.

Someone put some flammable material,
paper, cardboard, and so forth, right in

front of this furnace.

When it kicked on, hot time in Old Town.

Hot time in Old Town.

That's very poetic, sir.

I don't show that side often.

Wait a minute. I'm confused.

What's the furnace doing there?
Shouldn't it be in the basement?

No, it was right here.

There was a wall, and they put it right
behind the little door.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, so, uh, so that cardboard, that
could have been like a, you know, a shoe

or a cereal box or a, you know, smoke
detector box.

Good work, Dunville.

All fine examples of cardboard.

So, um, any idea who did it?

Well, there's not enough evidence to pin
it on anyone.

Oh, so case closed, right? No clues,
case closed.

Yeah, but if I had to guess, it was
either an extremely clever arsonist or

someone who knows nothing about fire
prevention.

And I guess that rules out you and me,
huh?

This is going to be great. Just you and
me on a Saturday night. How's checkers

sound?

I should have written casual on the
invitation.

Michael, I'm going out. I wish you'd
come with us.

Up?

Ashley and I are meeting some friends we
met the other night. What exactly do

you think you're doing?

I'm being a woman.

Well, stop.

Michael, listen to me.

Just because your father left to find a
new life doesn't mean my life has to

end.

Apparently, I'm still hot.

Yeah, but... But you were hot with Dad,
you know?

And there were... Like...

You know, and now it's like my mom's
turned into some wild woman on the town

I worry about.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I
just don't know who... I don't know who

to be with you.

How about my son?

I don't think you could handle any more
responsibility.

Okay. How about we stay home and I make
you dinner instead?

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's fine.

Okay?

I'm fine with it, really. Go have fun.

Mac and cheese, your favorite. The kind
with wagon wheels?

You go put on your jammies and I'll get
started. Okay.

You go ahead. I'll meet you there. He
always falls asleep right after mac and

cheese.

Hey, Johnny.

Hey. So, listen, um...

I worked it out with the inspector, you
know, so there's no need to thank me.

You could just do me a favor someday.

What favor?

I didn't do anything.

Talk about ungrateful.

Okay. Pete, you want to know where I was
that night? Yeah.

I was in Medford pumping gas. Make a
little extra cash, pay off my credit

Then why didn't you just tell Sharon
that?

I've got my pride.

You know, I got us into this mess. I
wanted to be the one to get us out. You

know, you want to look like a hero in
your wife's eyes.

Yeah, well, you can start by not
sounding like such a sissy.

You know, a real man would ignore that
comment and not kick my ass.

Listen, don't tell Sharon I didn't do
it, okay?

She's been so good since she pushed me
into a life of crime.

It's so sweet how you guys don't tell
each other anything.

Hey, how'd the fire start anyway?

The truth?

Yeah.

It was your light fixture.

Yeah. No way.

Yeah. It happens all the time. I mean,
don't feel bad. You know, an amateur

electrical work, and next thing you
know, hot time in Old Town.

That's very poetic.

Thanks.

I don't show that side often.

I cannot believe my mom's staying out
all hours.

What time is it?

I'll tell you. I'll tell you. I got it.
It's like 5 after 11, right?

Apparently there's a beautiful display
of fine art.

Yawn.

What? Well, I thought that you and Dad
always did it, but that's awful.

I will

as soon as I swallow.