All language subtitles for Are You Being Served s09e05 Monkey Business

925. This is the latest the staff have
arrived in living memory.

Well, Captain Peacock, last night's
blizzard was the worst in living memory.

I reckon we'll be lucky to see them at
all.

I'm surprised you're here, Mr Spooner.

I would have thought you would have
taken advantage of the inclement weather

take the day off.

Oh, not me, sir. I slept in the all
-night cinema down the road. I can't

to miss payday, especially today when we
get our rise.

So we've been led to believe.

9 .28.

I shall have to report this to Mr
Rumbold and see if we can borrow some

temporary staff from other departments.

Oh, they'll be here, sir.

When they heard the weather forecast
yesterday, I heard they're making

contingency plans.

What had they in mind?

Well, for a start, they were all going
to stay at Mrs. Clocombe's house because

she lives the nearest.

But she lives at the end of a cul -de
-sac backing onto a common.

They'll never get across the footpath to
get to the bus stop. As they're all

hard up, I reckon they'll make every
effort.

9 .29 and 45 seconds.

At 9 .30, I shall assume they're not
going to arrive and act accordingly.

Five seconds left.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Note.

sport.

What did you have, a snow plough?

I had six Yorkshire Terriers at the end
of me.

When we left the backyard door.

After we cleared a path with a shovel.

I shouted mush, mush and nothing
happened.

But then they spotted my pussy and took
off like that.

I hung on till the end of the high
street but they slipped their collars

they were off.

By that time we were going flat out down
the hill. And we went straight through

a red... traffic light at some rude
works.

That was very dangerous.

Did anyone see you? No, it was very
useful for overtaking.

They move to one side every time I
flash.

One, two, three, four.

And the failure of management to

meet the promised 10 % pay demand is
most unfortunate. But I understand the

company's difficult position.

I'm confident that my department will
continue to put their shoulders to the

wheel with their usual enthusiasm.

Copies to Mr. Grace, accounts, file,
etc.

It's only so cold in here.

You should have worn a warmer dress.

It's all I have, sir.

Well, I'll put the blow heater on under
my desk for a moment.

Enter!

Now, let's see if I can find the right
button.

Very old.

Oh, your morning cup, sir.

Sorry about the dry milk. It's all part
of the economy plan. Oh, and there's the

hot water.

Where's the tea?

You have to supply your own.

The governor's cutting costs to the
bone.

We can't drink hot, dried milk.

Well, if you don't tell anyone and you
want a tea bag, I do have a supply.

I knew I could rely on you. Extra tea,
five pence.

Well worth it. Thank you very much
indeed. One or two?

Oh, two, please. I like it strong.

Thank you.

One.

Two.

Is that it?

Well, you're lucky you get the first go.
That's going to do the lift girls and

half the accounts department.

Why only half the accounts department?
The other half like coffee.

Have a nice tea.

While Captain Peacock's off the floor,
could you lend me 50 pence till me wages

come? I want to send out for a coffee.
Oh, I'm sorry, love, but look at that.

See, not one coin.

I'm flat broke. I've never been flat
broke in my life before.

Me and all, that rice is coming right at
the right time.

You can say that again.

You know, I always... I always keep a
couple of pound notes tucked away in me

knickers just for emergencies.

Unfortunately, last week, I had an
emergency.

What happened?

The elastic broke.

And I dropped one in the hay market.

And it blew up down the street.

Two seconds later, the other one
followed it.

Now, please, get back behind your
counter.

Captain Peacock, I normally would obey
every command you give me, but let's

it, as far as customers are concerned,
they could be in the North Pole.

I'm just waiting here for my wages so I
can send for a coffee to thaw me out.

Just feel that.

Ooh, your tiny hand is frozen.

I said get back.

Now, if you'd spoken like that before...
Yes?

I'd have gone straight away.

You want the good news or the bad news
first?

What do you mean?

Well, the good news is here's your pay
packets.

The bad news is we ain't got no rise.

What was that? No rise. And I can tell
you now, I thought you'd rub us down in

packing.

Toiletries are having a sit -in.

We've been held down for over a year.

I think we should go and complain to Mr
Gray's personal. Well, let me tell you,

that man is approachable, because I've
just approached him in his office.

Look at my attire, I said.

Look at the frayed cuff on the end of my
shirt.

And did he look? Yeah, I shoved it right
under his nose, like that.

And I said, look, the left sole of my
shoe is partly in company with the

And bang, I shoved it right on his desk.

But did he look?

Long and odd.

And then he took out of his pocket a
great thick wad of fibres done up in an

elastic band.

Removing the elastic band, he put the
situation to right there and then.

What did you get?

The elastic band to keep my soul in.

Well, after that, what choice have we
got? After that, nothing. I can't give

mother any less. She's taking him
washing as it is.

I didn't know that.

Neither did I, till I caught her down by
the canal with a big boulder and a

packet of bowls.

Oh, well, that settles it. I'm not
standing for this, and I am unanimous in

that.

I say that we go to Mr Rumbold and
demand our rise.

Mr Grace must be up his rocker if he
thinks he's going to get away with this.

Well, for once, I'm on your side.

Do you know, I'd get more if I was an
old -age pensioner. Well, you haven't

long to wait.

Now, I've got my dander up, so just
watch it.

I suggest that you hang on, grit your
teeth and tighten your belts.

Just rushing in and demanding your rise
will achieve nothing.

I'm glad to hear you say that, Captain
Peacock.

Because you ain't got one either.

No, no, no. I'm middle management. My
rise has been agreed at the table in the

boardroom. Well, according to Mr Patel
of accounts, middle management are going

to be asked to take a cut.

What?

Mrs. Munster, are you sure?

Mr. Patel was middle management till he
heard the news. The last time I saw him,

he was going upstairs to hand in his
notice and cash in his curry vouchers.

Well, that settles it.

We must be united in this. All for one
and one for all.

Right, so who's going in first?

Well, I suggest we all go in together.

Well, the doorway isn't big enough.

Well, we could all bunch up tightly
behind Captain Peacock.

No, we could go in side by side. Except
Mrs. Slocum.

I shall be pleased to lead the way, and
that daft boy can bring up the rear.

Mr. Grace is off his rocker if he thinks
he's going to diddle us.

Yeah, but what are you going to say?

I shall be succinct and to the point.

Oh, very well. But what are you going to
say?

Give us the money, Joggy, or else.

Yes, sir, I'll tell him.

Mr. Wooden at the tax department.

Yes,

Mr. Wooden.

What?

You've lost a monkey.

Good Lord.

Bitch, you were.

That must have been painful.

Make a note of this.

What sort of monkey?

Paraguayan. What do they look like?

Long arms, bald head, and big ears.

That sounds hideous.

Have you got all that down?

I was very careless of them.

Mr. Rumble!

Shush, shush. I'm on to Mr. Grace's
office.

Yes, sir. I heard the bad news about a
moment ago.

Don't say something's happened to Mr.
Grace.

It seems when they tried to restrain
him, he bit Mr. Wooten on the nose.

He said he'd gone off his rocker.

He's probably hiding in the lift shaft.

Have you tried dangling a banana down
there?

See if that would tempt him.

This would not seem to be an opportune
moment to talk about our ride.

Right, I'll tell the rest of the staff.
Yes. Yes, Mr. Grace.

Oh, was that Mr. Grace on the phone?

Well, I'd hardly be calling anybody
else, Mr. Grace.

You said he was hiding down the lift
shaft.

No, no, no. That was a bald -headed
Paraguayan monkey that's just escaped

the pet department. I presume you came
in to tell me you've just heard the same

news. But there's no need to panic. Just
get back to your counters and keep your

eyes open.

We didn't come in here to discuss a
monkey.

We've come about our pay rise.

What we ain't got.

And what we ain't happy about.

Well, we're living in very difficult
times.

Mine was agreed and ratified. And we,
and I speak for everyone here, are not

leaving this office until we get your
assurance that during this day, that

will be forthcoming.

I was expecting the increase too. I'm
just as disappointed as you are, but

can I do?

Nothing, because you haven't got the
guts.

Look, the general economy's on the up.

I feel sure that in the course of time,
the pay rise will be forthcoming. The

course of time has run out, as far as
I'm concerned.

Me too.

I'd be better off if I was fired. At
least I'd get severance pay, and then I

could go straight away on the dole and
be out looking for another job.

There's no reason to fire anyone.

Yeah, he wouldn't get anyone to work
here for our wages. That's why he can't

fire us.

Oh, all you need is a reason.

Naturally, I can't just say to Mr Grace
that I've fired all my staff.

That would have put my credibility at
risk, not to mention my job in jeopardy.

must have a reason.

Well, we'll give you a reason.

I take it this is on behalf of all of
us?

Agreed.

Morty, Mrs. Flo.

Then let it not be said that I haven't
got a sense of humour.

Now, get back to your counters. I've got
work to do.

Well, you're the only one.

Come on.

Well, open the door, you duck boy.

Do you think they mean it?

I'm afraid so.

Due to our cash flow problem, we can't
even afford the severance pay.

Mr. Grace, Rombolt here.

Bad news, I'm afraid.

The staff are trying to get themselves
fired.

What's that?

You've got even worse news.

It's a Japanese takeover bid.

What would that mean, sir?

I see.

We'd all get fired.

That's it.

We do no more work, and then they'll get
the message and they'll have to fire

us. Then we can nip out quick and get on
the dole immediately.

I must say, withdrawal of labour would
bring the point home to them.

You mean like a sit -down strike?

They don't fire people for striking.
They just don't pay them.

But we'd be no better off then than what
we are now.

She's right.

No, we must do something that they can't
forgive us for.

I've often done that, but I've always
been forgiven.

Mind you, it was always by the same
vicar.

Yeah, but that Mrs. Comlosey, she got
fired from cosmetics for being rude to a

customer. Well, now's your chance.

Oh, yes, now then, you go on and be
first to get fired.

No, you're senior.

We're going to start at the bottom and
work our way up. Now, get over there.

I'm going to tell you I ain't serving
you. Oh, I don't expect you to. You're

obviously a junior. I need a senior
salesperson, as I wish to purchase a fur

coat for my second cousin.

Something in the region of £5 ,000 or
more.

Just hang on a minute, will you?

Do you hear that? They want to spend
over five grand. What are we going to

Stand firm.

You're not on commission.

Oh, what a dilemma.

What happens to all for one and one for
all?

Oh, we can share. No, no, we've agreed
and we'll stick to it. I will go over

there and be the first to sacrifice
myself as an example to the rest of you.

Joan of Arc all over again.

With one slight difference. Joan of Arc
had Callie printed across her heart.

And what did Mrs. Slocum go with?

Cammy written across her knickers.

your salesperson on the ladies' counter.

Ah, good.

I'd like a fur coat, something in the
region of £5 ,000 or more. What do you

suggest? I suggest that you buy a gun,
fly a plane to Canada, climb up a tree

and wait.

I don't quite understand you. Well, to
put it another way, get stopped.

The manager's office is over there. Take
off as much stink as you like. Oh, yes,

yes. You might like to ring the papers.
The papers? I can't be in the papers

with... Percival, Miss Percival. I know
your name, you idiot. So does my wife.

Come on. Let's get out of here. Oh,
tinks.

It's not going to be easy.

Well, burn the place down. That will do
it.

You want to get fired, not jailed. Well,
I did my best.

I can't... Bear the thought of us all
going one by one.

Tell you what, why don't we go up to the
lift, wait till the doors open and all

be rude together. That should do it.

Hands up, those in favour.

What are we going to say?

Buzz off, you ugly git.

You're not supposing they're foreign?
They might not understand.

We need an international gesture.

What about a loud raspberry?

No, no, no.

Something more telling.

What about the old two -finger salute?

Exactly. Universal and unmistakably
innocent.

Right, come on, let's get to it.

I can hear them coming.

Are we ready?

Well, throw in a raspberry, just for
good measure.

Now,

raspberries and fingers ready.

In the absence of anyone to be rude to,
I'm going over to the pub for an

unspecified number of gin and tonics. I
think I'll join you. Me too.

I'm always more outspoken after two or
three pints of Guinness.

I thought you'd have been more
everything.

I've got bad news for all of us.

The Japs have invaded.

What are you talking about?

I was earwigging at a shareholders'
meeting and they voted to sell us to the

Japs. We're all going to get booted out.

They can't do that to us. We're British
workers.

It's a fate accomplished.

We haven't even been consulted.

Yeah, we have our rights.

I've got bad news, I'm afraid. We've
just heard.

Well, I'm not taking this lying down.

I think we should fight this takeover.
For once, have an agreement.

Ten minutes ago, we were all trying to
get fired. Yes, but not by the Japanese.

Oh, it ain't definitely definite.

They're sending their head man, Mr
Yomoto, to have a quick go over the

to make sure they can modernise it to
make it pay.

I expect your job will be taken over by
a robot, breaking off once a week to

have a quick plate of microchips in the
kitchen.

Where is this Mr Yamoto?

At runway four, he froze.

The doors of his executive jet is all
frozen up. Once they get a blow lamp,

you'll be here.

Do you think you'll keep any of us on?

Oh, I don't think I could live off a
bowl of rice a day.

My eyes are small enough as it is.

One feels so helpless.

I fear that we at Grace Brothers are
about to become a statistic.

Well, the Prime Minister said the
medicine would be bitter, and she was

That's it. That is it. You've got it.
All the people have done it. Why can't

I bet they even do it in Japan.

Well, can we harry -carry?

You're a fool.

No. We'll go to number ten and put our
case on the table. She's a woman.

She'll understand.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Mind you, what we need is a spokesman or
spokeswoman.

The question is, who?

My workers are solidly behind me, and
I'll be happy to go to number 10 and put

our motion on the table.

What we need is shorter working hours, a
guaranteed index -linked pay rise,

early retirement, a better canteen
dinner.

Now, in exchange for our demands being
met in toto, I am prepared to form a

workers' co -operative elected by a semi
-secret ballot.

And I ask you, brothers and sisters, to
vote for me, and I will bring home the

bacon. Give me the tools, I'll do the
job!

Hands up those who vote for Mr Harmon.

Have you any more to say?

Yes, I have.

Anyone got an elastic band? This one's
broke.

No, what we need is someone with charm
and charisma.

Someone who's not too far one way or the
other.

Very kind of you.

I don't think I'm forceful enough.

Well, dear, I didn't actually mean you.

Well, who else isn't too far one way or
the other?

I mean his views.

I had in mind Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock? Well, I'm thinking
about the firm, you see. And in that

Eden hat, he does look the part.

And he can charm when he wants to.

I'm very touched by Mrs. Slocum's
confidence in me.

I wouldn't have thought she would have
put herself up for election.

Well, that was my first thought.

But you see, I've been making up the
manifesto, so you'd better do the chat.

Mr Humphreys can be a minister without a
thingamabob.

Portfolio. That's the word I was looking
for.

I'm glad you found it.

And the rest of you can be in the
cabinet.

We are not a government.

We're just a delegation.

Don't let's get carried away.

I wonder if this...

is more Anthony Eden.

Mirror, Mr. Spooner. Mirror, Mr.
Spooner.

You know, I feel we're doing this for
the workers all over this great country

ours. It reminds me of that poem.

This peptidyle, this jewel, set in a
silver sea, this... This England. That's

how they read it.

Oh, yes, but we're not going until me
and Miss Brahms has changed.

We're not going looking like just
anybody.

Listen, why is she not... Then we'll
camp on the doorstep. If we do that,

be on the six o 'clock news.

If my mother sees me camping on the
doorstep of number ten, she'll never be

to show her face at bingo again.

Are you with us or against us, or one of
the don't -knows?

Actually, I'm a don't -know.

I'm with you.

Wait in here, will you?

The PM is aware of the reason for your
visit and will give you a moment of her

time as soon as she's free.

Oh, how time.

at the front door.

I ain't seen him since he fell over that
golf club.

Do you think he's got lost in the
corridors of power?

He'll get himself arrested.

But this whole place is top secret.

Oh, fancy us being in number 10 Downing
Street.

Yes. Just think, Winston probably sat
here.

Entertaining Lady Astor and all that
mob.

Yes, it's certainly got atmosphere.

Lloyd George, Baldwin, all of them must
have sat here.

It's what fascinating conversations, eh?

Think what great decisions have been
taken at this table. I bet Wilson tapped

his pipe out on that very ashtray.

Lloyd George keeping secret the fact
that his secretary was also his

I wonder what words were used when they
were alone together in this room.

It's not as big as I thought it would
be.

That's because you don't have to dust
it.

been round lately either.

Shouldn't we go and look for Mr.
Humphrey?

He's probably looking everywhere for us.

But that's the red one. I'm under the
table.

No, no, it's this one.

Tender one, it's Mr. Humphrey saying
he's under close arrest and would we

for him.

When I go to my doctor, the phone rings
in the waiting room to say that the next

patient's required.

So probably that means that we can go
and see her. I don't think we should

anything. Yeah, but they know there's a
delegation in here. It must be for us.

Otherwise, somebody else would have
answered it. Mrs. Slocum, don't... Mrs.

Slocum here.

Slocum. Well, I'm sort of second in the
party, as it were.

Ronald who?

Get away.

Actually,

I don't think I'm quite... the person to
whom you wish to speak to.

But, no, no, wait a minute, hang on,
just before you go, while I have your

attention, may I say, on behalf of my
department, and of the rest of Britain,

how much we admire you.

Widow, I've seen all your films, you
know.

Anything out of place, did I? No.

Apart from putting the Western Alliance
back about 20 years.

We'll all end up in the Tower of London.

Listen, someone's coming. Remember, we
tried to stop her, but she overpowered

us. Well, I'm sorry that call got
misrouted, but whoever answered it

put him in a good mood.

And I must say, your Mr Humphreys has
charmed the PM.

Where is he?

Helping her choose a hat for question
time in the house.

Goodbye.

And... Thank you so damn much. Great
pleasure.

Thanks for the tea.

Mind the feather in the door.

Apparently she's running late.

You spoke to her?

Oh, non -stop.

About the Japanese takeover? No, about
my mother taking him washing.

She gave me some very good advice.

What was it?

Well, apparently it's two buckets of
canal water to one a bowl, and don't

SDP.

What's that?

Surf dozen person.

Well, I'm going to enter this hat for
the Guinness Book of Records for the

shortest political career.

Well, it's not my fault we didn't get in
to see her.

No, Mr. Humphrey's had his chance. He
let it slip by.

Well, I didn't know she was running
late. By the time I'd talked her out of

green shoes with the red handbag and
sold her the hat, she was out.

Well, I'm going to go and see Mr. Grace
to have one last try.

Are you all behind me?

We've lost the one chance we might have
had.

As far as I'm concerned, this is the
end.

Isn't anybody coming?

You won't move, Mr Grace. He's a mean
old man.

The problem, that has been toppled.

Yeah, you go upstairs and try and save
your own skin. We've had it down here.

Barring a miracle.

Well, if we don't meet again, at least
nobody can say we didn't try.

Goodbye, Stephen.

Betty.

Shirley.

Wilberforce.

And you, Bert.

Good luck.

And to you, Harry.

He knew all our names.

He never used them, but he knew them.

He was quite a human, really.

He gave me a little smile at the end.

Isn't it funny how disasters bring
everybody closer together?

This is true.

You know, I never knew your name was
Harry.

It ain't. It's Beverly.

But it's a fort that can't.

Oh,

something terrible's happened.

Oh, she's as white as a sheep.

in his chair eating a banana.

What is?

That bald -headed monkey with the big
ears. It climbed through the window and

sat in Mr. Rumble's chair.

I'll go and alert Mr. Wooten.

I am Mr. Kayoto, assistant to Mr.
Yamato.

He does not speak English, but would
like to be workers and manager.

We are the workers.

Mr. Yamamoto said you should be at your
positions.

Such idle behavior is not good for
discipline.

Really?

We do not speak to manager.

All here on plan must go that way.

I think I should... When Mr. Yamamoto
wants information, he will tell you.

I'm afraid I was too late.

Mr. Grace said that, subject to Mr.

Yamoto's final decision, the deal's
going through. But the good news is

all to be kept on. I very much doubt
that. Those two japs have just gone into

your office.

And that flaming monkey's sitting in
your chair.

Judging by the size of the plaster on
Mr. Wooten's nose, it's a most ferocious

animal. What are we going to do?

Apart from sending for the ambulance,
it's too late to do anything.

Mr. Yamato will not be buying Grace
Brothers.

I'm terribly sorry, but I think I can
explain. No explanation necessary.

She will not be insulted by middle
management.

Don't tell me you got the two -finger
salute and the raspberry.

That English welcome, we understood.

But in our country, getting a banana in
the ear is not an insult. We can't

forgive. British workers, farewell.