All language subtitles for Are You Being Served s09e02 Conduct Unbecoming

Thank you for your custom, madam.

If it's not rude, may I ask, why do you
want 20 pairs of tights at one go?

Well, a girlfriend and I are going to
Italy for a holiday, and everywhere you

there, the men grab at you.

No.

You have never heard of that before.

What part of it are they?

Rome. It's hardly safe to go in a
restaurant, never mind the street. You

have to swat them like flies with your
handbag and run for it. No.

I've even been pinched in the via
veneto.

No wonder you need such thick wine.

There's your receipt.

Have a nice holiday. Thank you.

Have you thought we... you going for
your holidays this year, Mrs. Slocum?

Well, I had thought of going to the Isle
of Wight with Mrs. Axelby.

But on second thoughts, I might go and
try to get a peep at the poof.

But he's in Rome, and that's where their
men grab you and ladder you tight.

The pilgrim's path is never easy.

How's the morning, Captain Peacock?

I don't like you to be late. Sir?

Whether I'm early or late, I don't
expect a comment from a junior.

Do you have so much for my lift this
morning?

Lift? Oh, yes.

Don't mention it.

Mind you, it was lucky that I spotted
you at the bus stop.

You were parked there when I arrived.

I was just adjusting my seatbelt.

Oh, did you have the same problem with
yours as you had with mine?

Well, of course, you and Mrs. Peacock
are different sizes, which is why I

Captain Peacock had such a struggle.

Don't let me forget to pay to order my
breakfast.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It was only a snack.

Well, that's very kind of you.

It was nothing.

For you, maybe, but it's the first time
that I've ever been to the Ritz.

The Ritz?

Last with the signing in book. Yes, sir.

And get on with your work.

Oh, dear. You've left a ten off, sir.

What do you mean?

Well, it's ten past nine. You've put
under arrival 9am.

Shall I put it in for you, sir?

You're not very careful, Mr Spooner. I
shall put it in for you.

Now, where's Mr Humphreys?

Oh, he had an early customer, sir.

He wanted a golf club to go with a cap
he bought. So Mr Humphreys has taken him

up to sports so that he can put it all
on the same bill.

Oh, very well. Carry on.

Oh, you're asking for trouble, Mr
Spooner. You know very well that Mr

isn't in yet. Don't worry. I've forged
his name in the book. He'll be here in a

minute. What's the matter with him? This
is the third... Good morning. He's been

late. He's not been at all himself
lately.

Well, look, when he appears at the top
of the stairs, try and distract old

Peacock's attention.

Otherwise, I'll be in the suit with him.

Right. Mrs. Slocum, as a senior
salesperson, you should know that your

area does not extend past the centre
display stand.

Captain Peacock! And I trust you're not
going to make a belligerent remark, as

I'm in no mood to bandy words with you.

No, Captain Peacock.

I just came to borrow a pen.

Have mine.

Thank you.

Now, where are we? Oh, yes, Captain
Peacock.

Ten past nine.

Would he allow the infio doing that?

Well, he's just like a dictator. If he
was in South America, he'd have been

overthrown by now.

I can see it now.

Evita Slocum takes over.

Now you come to think of it, there is a
slight family resemblance.

I don't look anything like Eva Perron.

Oh, not to her, to her old man.

Get that basket off the floor or you'll
cop it from Captain Peacock.

Not half as much as Mr. Humphreys will.
Look, he's trying to creep in.

Oh. Oh, goodness me.

My suspenders come undone.

You have a go, Miss Browns.

Oh, gosh, my suspender has gone.

suspenders. That's what I mean. They're
gone.

Don't get back at me.

Now, get off the floor. Oh, thanks.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh

Why is this dummy suddenly wearing a hat
and coat and carrying a suitcase?

Dummies often wear hats and coats and
carry suitcases. It suggests to the

customer travel.

Then this one must be expecting a long
journey. He has a half -eaten sandwich

his pocket.

And the bite shows a gap in the front
teeth.

Well, the suitcase has the initials WCH,
which point to one very obvious fact,

that you, Mr. Humphreys, are late again.

And to make matters worse, you persuaded
Mr Spooner to purge himself on your

behalf. In fact, your whole behaviour
these past few days has been most

peculiar. What have you to say?

What are you trying to say?

It's his mother.

They've had a tiff.

It's a very personal matter.

He's had to pack his bag and leave home.

He saw he was late, and he was the one
that put me up to putting his name in

book and saying it was with a customer.

Little fibber, that was your idea.

You've only come to me in the first
place and taken me aside and told me

you had personal problems. I would have
understood.

I am not unapproachable.

After all, we have been acquaintances
for quite some time.

Come on now.

Stand up like a man.

I don't know if you can get to it.

Pretend that none of this happened.

Thank you, Captain Peacock.

It's not like me to go to pieces, but
I've been under a great deal of strain

recently. The matter is finished.

I'll go and hang these up.

Oh,

poor Mr.

Humphreys. No wonder he's been looking
pale. He loves his mother. It must have

been something quite serious to make
them fall out.

Well, it's about time he left home. I
mean, then before... Well, some men take

longer.

And if ever he needs a bed, he can be
sure of one at my home.

Can I help you, ladies?

Yes. Where's Mr Humphreys? I've got
something in the pram that belongs to

He's got that bed at your house.

No wonder it's not been himself.

Mr Humphreys? Yes, Captain Peacock?

Someone to see you.

It's my next -door neighbour and a
daughter.

Hello. What are you doing here?

I spoke to your mother this morning. She
suggested that I should come into town

and leave this with you.

Poor man.

A lawyer hasn't enough problems.

You don't think it's his, do you?

Oh, however could I leave it behind?

That little face and those pointed ears
mean a lot to me.

Blimey, it is his.

She's been ever so upset.

So have I.

Any messages?

Just tell her to cancel my raspberry
yoghurt.

Very well.

And tell her I'm never coming home ever,
ever again.

Don't worry.

I'm not going to cry in front of you.

Just look at him, chatting her up again.

I can't get over him giving her a lift
and breakfast at the Ritz.

Well, he always chats up the new girls.
And if it looks like getting anywhere,

he starts spending it like water.

That's a little more wine.

Oh, no, I'm late a bit here. They'd
better get back.

Um, can I pay for my lunch?

No, no, no, it is my pleasure.

Oh, thank you.

See you later.

Look, he's only put his name on it for
tomorrow.

It's pathetic. A man of his age chatting
up a young girl like that. I quite

agree. Mind you, when I... was younger,
he used to chat me up.

But he never got anywhere.

Yeah, but, I mean, he was younger then,
and, well, he was more of an age.

You might not realise it, but when I was
younger, I had men coming out of the

woodwork.

She used to spray on rent -a -kilt to
keep them off.

She's a nice girl, Miss Belfridge.

A bit lonely, of course, being new and
not knowing anyone.

And if your wife finds out that you've
been waiting at bus stops, You might be

lonely, too.

Not really.

I was just making Miss Belfridge feel at
home.

She happens to be a very bright girl,
and there was nothing more to it than

that.

Did you say to wait at the front door
tonight, or the back?

The back.

Very bright.

No wonder he put his name on the bottle.

I really don't see why I can't speak to
a member of staff without all these

unnecessary comments.

Once you have a reputation, it isn't
easy to lose it.

Reputations are built on gossip. I have
no interest in Miss Belfridge

whatsoever. Well, I'm glad about that,
because she's just kissing a bloke in

maintenance. Well, sorry, my mistake.

You know, where's Mr Humphreys got to?

Oh, he said he was going to the pub for
a quick one.

That's not like Mr Humphreys.

Well, you'd better hurry up, because...
is nearly over.

Yeah, you'll never guess what. There's
been a punch -up down the pub. Oh, but

that's where Mr Humphries is.

Oh, I hope he's all right.

He started it. Apparently some geezer
complained that Mr Humphries kept

the same tune over and over again on the
jukebox.

What was it?

I'll do it my way.

Hey, look, I think he's had a few.

I'll better get him a black coffee.

Who can I turn to when nobody needs me?

My heart wants to know, and so I must go
where destiny leads me.

How, Chris, I want you in my office
immediately.

My word, that was quick.

Have you been drinking? I just went to
the pub. I only had one.

You look as if you've had more than one.

Well, I had a leaky glass, and they had
to keep filling it up.

This is a very serious matter I have to
talk to you about.

I'm sure that what you've got to say can
be said in front of my colleagues.

Here, take this.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, very well.

During the past few days, there's been a
discrepancy in the returns from the

cash till on the man's counter.

No.

Well, a pound here or there can always
be a mistake. One must make allowances

for human error.

But lately, it's escalated and...

I'm afraid I had to employ a covert
operation to identify the miscreant. You

snakey devil!

Last night, witnessed by my secretary, I
put two marked five -pound notes in the

till on the men's counter.

I have just checked the contents against
sales.

Um?

No sales, but the two five -pound notes
are missing.

I must therefore assume that whoever's
responsible still has them about their

person. You don't mean to say you
suspect Mr Humphrey?

I've got nothing to hide. Nothing at
all.

One hanky.

My wallet.

All the fancy things.

And... My lucky conker.

Where are the marked notes, then?

They don't appear to be here.

In that case, I think you owe Mr
Humphreys an apology.

Yes, I apologise.

I'm placed in a very difficult position.

any discrepancy falls on my head.
Bounces off his ears.

Right, well, let's see who has the note
and end this unfortunate matter once and

for all. Well, I'm scared.

35p and a picture of Groucho Marx.

One ten -pound note and five singles and
a receipt for breakfast at the race.

Three pounds and 25 and a half p.

120 in 20.

It's overtime. Check with the counts if
you don't believe me.

No, no, no, no, no. It's two marked five
-pound notes we're looking for, and

clearly they're not here.

What about Mr. Rumbold?

He's got a key for the till.

Don't be ridiculous. I was the one who
set the trap.

It's only fair, as we've had to expose
our personal belongings, that you should

do the same.

Oh, very well.

Examine that peacock.

Do you insist, sir? I do.

Would the mark you placed on the £5 note
be a cross in red ink?

Yes, that's right.

In the top right -hand corner?

Correct.

And this is your wallet?

Of course.

It's got my initials on it. CR for
Cuthbert Rumble.

In gold.

Then I must assume that this is one of
the missing notes.

Good heavens.

CR, of course, we should have guessed.
Criminal record.

Wait a minute, let me think.

Yes, I remember. Miss Brahms had a
personal advance from me last week and

it back this morning. You must remember,
Miss Brahms.

Please.

Oh, yes, I think I do remember, but I
got that fiver from you, Mrs.

Slocum. So the arch -villainess is
unmarked.

of the morning, I do remember lending
Miss Brahms a fiver. It was one of two

that I got from Captain Peacock in
exchange for a tenner that I had to

get a fiver to give to Miss Brahms.

I can see it now.

Peacock in Pentonville.

The top tells all.

Before you all jump to hasty
conclusions, those two five -pound notes

gave to Mrs. Slocum were given to me by
Mr. Humphreys. Are you denied?

No, that's perfectly true.

I gave you two five -pound notes out of
the tin in exchange for a ten -pound

note.

That accounts for one five -pound note.
And none of us has the other.

Well, I'm forced to say that the finger
of guilt did, for a time, point to your

department, but I retract my suspicions
as there's no definite proof.

The release of it all.

He's going through a personal crash.

Left home.

Nowhere to go.

Nearly 49.

And he's very relieved that it's all
over.

Now, come on, Chuck. Dry your eyes.

A cross on the corner.

Oh, it came out of your top, old kid.
I'm afraid this is the end of a very

promising career.

I'm innocent.

It doesn't look like it. You can't
convict a man without a fair trial.

I wouldn't dream of doing so.

Now, we'll keep this an internal matter.
We'll have an inquiry in the department

before we even consider dismissal. So,
if you wouldn't mind all waiting behind

for five minutes after we close, we can
settle it then. Five minutes?

Well, it's an open and shut case. It
shouldn't take any longer.

Depends who the judge is.

This is not a trial, Mr Harmon.

No, more in the nature of a kangaroo
court.

What's that?

That's where they jump over the edge of
the normal laws of justice.

Won't be a bit... like that. We shall
investigate every aspect of the case.

Anything that can be said in Mr.
Humphrey's favour will be said and all

mitigating circumstances will be
considered most sympathetically.

And then they sack him.

Mr. Harmon, are you ready?

Yes, my lad. The jury are all in their
places.

Don't call them a jury, Mr. Harmon. They
are a committee of inquiry consisting

of his fellow workers.

Excuse me, why's old Mr Wagstaff been
dragged in here?

Well, I always take him to the bus stop,
so he might as well sit there while

he's waiting.

Oh, very well. Let's get on. Yes.

The court would like to call the
prisoner to the dock, accompanied by the

defence counsel, Miss Betty Slocum,
called to the bar at 5 .30, only had

for one gin and tonic before she was
called out of here.

What's going on?

Well, somebody's got to speak up for
him. He can't put it properly himself.

That's been my trouble all along.

The court would like to call Captain
Stephen Peacock QC and bar.

What's he doing here?

I've elected Captain Peacock to put the
case against Mr Humphreys.

The court is now in session. Would the
accused kindly take a stand?

Perhaps we can get this over with.
Captain Peacock?

Yes, sir.

Now, the charge against Mr Humphreys
is... Objection! What is it?

My client objects to Miss Belfridge
being on the jury on the grounds that

your secretary and is biased, seen as
how she's up for a rise and doesn't want

to get into your bad books.

Miss Belfridge is merely an employee who
happens to work in my office. She's

completely impartial. Isn't that so,
Miss Belfridge? Yes, God bless you.

Oh, very well. Come and sit next to me
and you can take notes.

Now, let's get on with this.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Well, if I might have your undivided
attention.

We have to have that.

Unfortunately, one of his batteries is
rather low.

The charge against Mr. Humphrey is... He
can't hear what's being said in my

class.

on the jury, don't you? Well, I don't
care one way or the other, which is

unusual for me.

Mr. Wagstaff.

Mr. Wagstaff.

Can you hear me?

If ever I saw a guilty man, it's him.

Mr. Wagstaff is discharged.

Go downstairs and wait at the exit.

We don't seem to be getting anywhere.
Please get on with it, Captain Peacock.

I'm doing my best, sir.

Now, the charge is that Mr. Humphreys
removed a marked five -pound note from

till. This was later discovered at his
top pocket, which proves he did it.

my case rests.

Do you wish to examine the defendant?

Do I have to?

Well, it would give him the chance to
make some feeble explanation to explain

otherwise open and shut case. Oh, very
well.

Now, do you deny the charge?

I do. Then how do you explain that this
£5 note was found in your top pocket?

Well, I've had a lot of problems at home
recently.

You see, my mother's taken up with this
man that she hardly knows.

She, excuse me, she met him while they
were out jogging. Well, he was jogging,

she was feeding the ducks in the park.

Well, she's moved him into the spare
room.

Well, I said to her, if she does that,
I'm going to leave home. Well, this

morning, I packed my case and I did. Mr.
Humphries, does all this have anything

whatsoever to do with the case?

Well, of course it does. You see, when I
left home, I broke open the piggy bank.

So I put all the small change in the
case, brought it here, I counted it, it

just over five pounds.

So I put all the change in the till,
took out a five -pound note and put it

me top pocket.

And you expect us to believe that tissue
of lies?

I put it to these gentlemen.

Here.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Why didn't he tell us this before?

By his very reticence, he has accused
himself.

Objection. What now?

The reason he didn't mention it before
was because he was half -caught from the

pub. And by the time he'd sobered up and
had time to think things over and

remember the events of the morning,
events which, my learned counsel might

recall, suggested a lack of honesty on
more than one member of the staff.

To whom are you referring?

My learned oppo here, what's doing the
persecuting.

That's whom, and who deliberately
entered a false time. of arrival on the

signing in book this morning. Objection.
This has nothing to do with the case.

Objection overruled.

Any dishonest action by any member of
the staff could place that member of the

staff under suspicion of not being
entirely honest.

Permission to cross -examine.

Proceed.

Is the jury paying attention?

Oh, nothing's been missed, sir.

The court now calls Captain Stephen
Peacock to take the stand.

It's like the remake of Twelve Angry
Men.

On a low budget.

Go on, Mrs. Circle Girl, have a go.

Are you Captain Stephen Peacock, a floor
walker at Grace Brothers?

No, I'm a rice pudding maker in Epping
Forest.

The defendant will answer the question.

Well, of course I am.

If I wasn't, would I be sitting here at
six o 'clock at night playing this damn

stupid charade?

Will the jury kindly note this outburst?

A display of aggression to a simple
question might indicate a disturbed mind

and, as I shall prove, a dishonest mind.

The mind of a man who is desperate for
money to keep up appearances at the

Bowles Club. The mind of a man who has
two Parker pens.

And I don't mean crackers.

Harbourn. Did you or did you not enter a
false arrival time in the signing -in

book this morning?

To answer that, I would have to ask you
what time you think I arrived.

I and others know that you arrived at
ten past nine and put down nine o 'clock

in the book, so there, what have you got
to say to that, clever chops?

May I ask for the book?

I'll get it.

I find it difficult to believe that a
senior member of staff could do such a

thing. Mind you, this is the most
fascinating case. What about my case?

Silence, you call.

Exhibit A.

Signing a book. Now, let's get this
quite clear. You, Mrs. Slocum, accuse

Captain Peacock of arriving at 9 .10 on
the morning of the 12th, but

deliberately entering 9 a .m. in the
book. Spot on.

How then do you account for the fact
that 9 .10 is the time entered into the

book? What?

Oh, yes, I put that pen down myself.

You admit it?

I just told you.

So you've deliberately tried to get
Captain Peacock into trouble by entering

false arrival time in the book. Oh,
Captain Peacock, Captain Peacock, you

stand down. No, no, he wouldn't like
that at all. Mr Spoon, then you come

here and tell them, isn't it true what I
said about him coming at ten past nine

and putting nine o 'clock down in the
book?

Objection. Defense is leading the
witness.

Shut up.

Now, come on, what time did he arrive?

Ten past nine.

Which is the time entered in the book.

But that's what I put in myself!

You saw them!

I did, I did, and I swear to that on the
staff magazine.

May I ask Mr Spooner just one pertinent
question which will settle his validity

as a witness once and for all? I wish
you would.

Mr Spooner, did you or did you not enter
Mr Humphrey's time of arrival this

morning as 9am?

The truth now?

Yes, I did.

And did the aforementioned Mr. Humphreys
arrive at 9 a .m.? No, sir, he didn't.

Would it not be more correct to say that
he arrived at 9 .15 and that you purged

yourself on his behalf?

Look at me, boy!

Yes, sir, it's true, sir.

No more questions.

You may return to the jury.

Objection! My client doesn't want
somebody on the jury. What lies!

Can't I say anything?

No, I've got to say it for you.

So now you've made matters worse.

Oh, well, you have a go then, because
I'm dying to powder me nose.

Would the court please be so inclined to
grant permission to defence counsel to

visit the car seat?

Permission granted.

I was going, whether it was or not.

I'm sorry for all this fuss, but what I
said is true.

I did put the change in the till. I did
take a five -pound note out, and I did

put it in my top pocket.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this
is the face of an innocent man.

Miss Brahms, you believe me, don't you?
Oh, of course I do.

Oh, Mr Spooner, who's come on so well
recently, you believe me.

You're never in any doubt.

Mr Harmon, have I? Have I been anything
but straight?

You rephrase that, please.

I've ever nicked anything.

You've always behaved like a perfect
gentleman. I know, but have I ever

anything? I don't think he's got the
bottle.

Captain Peter, under that stern facade,
there is a man who knows what's right

and what's wrong.

Can you honestly say with your hand on
your heart that I have ever taken

anything that wasn't mine?

No. Thank you.

Up till now.

I must point out...

But if it wasn't you, then the finger of
suspicion will fall upon one of us. And

we'll have to go through all this again.

Oh, no.

Captain Peacock is quite right. Hands up
for guilty.

Not guilty.

For all.

Well, I have a casting vote. Guilty. And
the judge's decision is final.

I will now pass sentence.

Mr. Humphreys, I must ask you to resign.

Resign? From Grace Brothers?

It's the only honourable thing for a
gentleman to do.

But may I say that it is a great sadness
for me that one small flaw in an

otherwise exemplary character should mar
such a promising career.

I tried the YMCA if I was you.

I'm already on the waiting list.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

I've always been such a good boy.

Tim Overlip.

Mr Harman.

I want that till changed and new keys
issued.

I'm sorry about the delay, but I had a
big cough.

Where is he?

He's resigned.

What about my winding up speech?

You're too late.

I shall never forget that sad look on
his little face. And all that just for

five quid.

No, no, no. Over £50 has gone missing.

The buck had to stop somewhere.

Here. This till's faulty. There's a load
of notes stuck at the back.

The missing money.

And now he's left home and he's not
talking to his mother, we'll never find

to tell him. Oh, I hope he doesn't throw
himself under a train. If only we knew

where he'd gone.

I forgot my Paddington bear.

Look, we found the missing money. It
wasn't you.

I said I didn't do it.

I know it's not you. A message for whom?

Oh, yeah.

It's for you. It's your mother. She's an
half -town upset.

Hello?

Hello, Mother.

Well, I said he'd let you down.

Look, why don't you put his jogging
shoes outside the front gate?

I'll be home as soon as I can.

Bye.

If only you could talk. You'd have told
them, wouldn't you?

Mind you, you might have told them one
or two other things, so it's just as

well.

If you do that again, I'll be over to
your side.