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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:18,750 --> 00:00:23,090 There you are, madam. If you have any complaint, don't hesitate to return it. 2 00:00:23,130 --> 00:00:26,630 We'll exchange it without question, provided you have the receipt, you 3 00:00:26,630 --> 00:00:27,830 worn it, and it's not clean. 4 00:00:30,410 --> 00:00:32,650 Captain Peacock. Yes, Mr. Herman. 5 00:00:33,180 --> 00:00:36,840 You told me not to come on the floor when the store was open without 6 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:37,920 your attention first. 7 00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:39,540 That is quite correct, Mr. Harmon. 8 00:00:43,620 --> 00:00:45,620 Oh, I see I've attracted your attention. 9 00:00:48,620 --> 00:00:49,599 Go back. 10 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:50,600 You've not had my permission. 11 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:56,200 Does that mean you don't want the first prize in Grace Brothers' lucky lottery 12 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:57,620 what your department has won? 13 00:00:57,900 --> 00:01:01,920 What was that? I'm proud to tell you and pleased that you are now the proud 14 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:07,390 possessor... of a box at Convent Garden for six personages for the valet. There 15 00:01:07,390 --> 00:01:08,229 is the ticket. 16 00:01:08,230 --> 00:01:09,830 Oh, how wonderful! 17 00:01:10,470 --> 00:01:13,210 The last time I had a box at Convent Garden, it was on me head and full of 18 00:01:13,210 --> 00:01:14,210 cauliflower. 19 00:01:15,110 --> 00:01:17,370 There are the tickets for your counter, Mr. Klein. 20 00:01:17,770 --> 00:01:19,630 And there are yours, Miss Brahms. Thank you. 21 00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:21,690 Oh, Miss Brahms, where's Mrs. Slocum? 22 00:01:21,890 --> 00:01:24,250 Oh, she's in the fitting room taking off her coat. 23 00:01:24,770 --> 00:01:28,010 We've been open for nearly six minutes, Miss Brahms. Go and get her. Yes, sir. 24 00:01:36,490 --> 00:01:37,490 drinking at this hour. 25 00:01:37,970 --> 00:01:43,470 Of course I'm not, Miss Brahms. I'm just taking my slimming pill. Only I've run 26 00:01:43,470 --> 00:01:46,750 out of water and I can't bear neat gin. 27 00:01:47,270 --> 00:01:52,890 Why don't you take the pill with a plain tonic? Oh, I can't stand the taste of 28 00:01:52,890 --> 00:01:56,210 tonic. That's why I'm putting gin and lemon in. 29 00:01:57,250 --> 00:01:59,150 Captain Peacock wants to see you. 30 00:02:19,380 --> 00:02:22,740 customer. She brought one of them ribbed cardigans and it shrunk. Oh, not 31 00:02:22,740 --> 00:02:23,740 another one. 32 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:25,520 Yeah, and it's your customer and all. 33 00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:28,800 Leave it to me, Miss Brahms. I'm just in the mood. 34 00:02:34,340 --> 00:02:36,540 Now, madam, and what's the trouble? 35 00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:40,560 Well, look at this. I followed the washing instructions to the letter and 36 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:41,418 what's happened. 37 00:02:41,420 --> 00:02:45,620 And look at the label. It says quite distinctly, non -shrink. 38 00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:47,360 Madam. 39 00:02:54,420 --> 00:02:56,900 There. You see? Compare the labels. 40 00:02:57,580 --> 00:02:59,220 The label hasn't shrunk. 41 00:03:02,220 --> 00:03:03,840 You can't have a refund. 42 00:03:04,180 --> 00:03:08,600 I assume that the instructions apply to the cardigans. Did you? 43 00:03:10,060 --> 00:03:11,560 Well, hard cheese. 44 00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:17,260 I'm going to take your name. I'm sorry, madam. We're not allowed to give names. 45 00:03:17,660 --> 00:03:20,280 Well, in that case, I... I shall remember... 46 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,000 And she just caught me on a bum morning. 47 00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:37,380 Did you spend last night on the booze? 48 00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:42,640 Certainly not, Miss Brahms. I just thought I'd sleep better if I had a 49 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:46,200 I mean, you know I've been having these strange dreams lately. 50 00:03:46,940 --> 00:03:48,880 Still about Mr Humphrey? Yes. 51 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:51,400 He's different in me dreams. 52 00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:55,440 I'm beginning to see him in quite a new light. 53 00:03:56,460 --> 00:04:01,600 Have you said anything to him? No, but I do feel sometimes when I look at him 54 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:03,910 that... He knows some of them. 55 00:04:07,310 --> 00:04:09,110 Hurry up. She's looking at you again. I know. 56 00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:11,610 I can feel the hair standing up on the back of me neck. 57 00:04:13,230 --> 00:04:18,589 Do you think she wants something? I hope not. Do you know... I can't think 58 00:04:18,589 --> 00:04:22,470 what's come over her. I've only got to give her the slightest hint of a smile 59 00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:23,810 and she goes all wobbly at the knees. 60 00:04:24,610 --> 00:04:25,610 Watch this. 61 00:04:31,530 --> 00:04:33,630 Oh, Miss Browns, he smiled at me. 62 00:04:33,970 --> 00:04:35,630 Well, he was only a little one. 63 00:04:35,910 --> 00:04:37,210 Well, it's only half past nine. 64 00:04:38,510 --> 00:04:43,070 Anyway, last night, me and Mrs Axelby went down to the Green Man for a quiet 65 00:04:43,070 --> 00:04:47,630 drink. Well, we hadn't had anything to eat, so we just had a couple of bags of 66 00:04:47,630 --> 00:04:50,890 pork scratchings and some bacon -flavoured crisps. 67 00:04:51,310 --> 00:04:54,450 And one of the crisps got stuck in my throat. 68 00:04:55,070 --> 00:04:58,890 And do you know it took three or four gin and tonics to shift it? 69 00:05:00,940 --> 00:05:03,860 And I think that one of those crisps was bad. 70 00:05:04,420 --> 00:05:08,060 Because when I got outside at half past eleven, I felt quite dizzy. 71 00:05:09,460 --> 00:05:12,580 What time did you go into the pub for your nightcap? 72 00:05:12,900 --> 00:05:14,880 About quarter to eight. 73 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,100 But do you know what I think happened? 74 00:05:18,540 --> 00:05:21,020 I think me body temperature dropped. 75 00:05:21,740 --> 00:05:25,700 Anyway, I hung on to this lamp post and we sang songs to keep us warm. 76 00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:29,080 But you were glad when the bus arrived? 77 00:05:29,740 --> 00:05:31,440 Well, the first one didn't start. 78 00:05:31,780 --> 00:05:38,740 And I know he saw me because I lifted up my skirt and stuck my leg out. And he 79 00:05:38,740 --> 00:05:41,480 put his foot down and he drove straight past us. 80 00:05:41,820 --> 00:05:43,160 So you had to get on the next one? 81 00:05:43,500 --> 00:05:45,680 No, but the one after that stopped. 82 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:51,660 Oh, and the conductor was cheeky. Do you know, the bus was completely empty, but 83 00:05:51,660 --> 00:05:52,660 he made us go upstairs. 84 00:05:53,660 --> 00:05:56,160 So when I got off, I took his number. 85 00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:57,860 Oh, well, I hope you wrote it down. 86 00:05:58,220 --> 00:05:59,220 I didn't need to. 87 00:05:59,700 --> 00:06:00,700 Sonny's at. 88 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,220 Is she still looking at me? 89 00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:08,360 No. Now, go on, tell us about the rave -up you had last night. 90 00:06:08,580 --> 00:06:11,960 Well, it wasn't really a rave -up. It finished quite early. So about half a 91 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:15,360 dozen of us went back to this bloke's flat that's got this video recorder. 92 00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:16,640 Let me see. 93 00:06:16,860 --> 00:06:21,240 I know he belongs to one of these adult X -rated video libraries. 94 00:06:21,740 --> 00:06:24,780 Oh, I've heard about those. Yeah. Well, he gets a discount being a theological 95 00:06:24,780 --> 00:06:25,780 student. 96 00:06:27,130 --> 00:06:31,270 Anyway, I wondered what happened. He pressed the button and bang, the screen 97 00:06:31,270 --> 00:06:32,229 went blank. 98 00:06:32,230 --> 00:06:33,250 So you went home? 99 00:06:33,510 --> 00:06:37,170 No, no, no. The sound was working, so we listened to that. But whatever they 100 00:06:37,170 --> 00:06:40,570 were doing must have been outside because I heard a lot of wind and 101 00:06:40,850 --> 00:06:44,370 I expect it was an orgy. I thought, yes. 102 00:06:44,810 --> 00:06:48,890 Especially when I heard some voice say, Mary Rose has turned over and I can see 103 00:06:48,890 --> 00:06:49,890 her bottom. 104 00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:54,330 And a voice shouted, I want to see every man bent over an oar. 105 00:06:56,780 --> 00:07:00,440 I was just about to take my mother home when I heard this other voice say, which 106 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:04,120 way do you want us to row, Mr Baines? And I realised it was the Oneiden line. 107 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:06,540 Where's Mrs Slocum now? 108 00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:10,880 Oh, she's in the ladies, fixing her make -up. She's hardly been at her comfort 109 00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:11,880 at all this morning. 110 00:07:12,300 --> 00:07:16,700 Well, to tell the truth, and I don't like telling tales, but I'm very worried 111 00:07:16,700 --> 00:07:17,700 about her. 112 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,420 I must say, her behaviour has been a little strange lately. 113 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:24,340 Well, she says her nerves are bad. She's been having these disturbing nights. 114 00:07:24,810 --> 00:07:26,130 You mean disturbed nights? 115 00:07:26,430 --> 00:07:27,670 No, disturbing. 116 00:07:28,350 --> 00:07:32,170 She's got this man on her mind and she keeps dreaming about him. You know, 117 00:07:32,190 --> 00:07:33,350 erotic dreams. 118 00:07:33,990 --> 00:07:34,990 Really? 119 00:07:35,550 --> 00:07:39,390 Yes, they do fantasise at that age, don't they? Oh, yes. 120 00:07:39,990 --> 00:07:42,570 I've got an aunt what's got the hots for Richard Baker. 121 00:07:44,230 --> 00:07:47,290 Who has Mrs. Slocum got the hots for? 122 00:07:47,870 --> 00:07:49,690 You'll never believe it. Who? 123 00:07:50,210 --> 00:07:51,270 Mr. Humphrey. 124 00:07:51,970 --> 00:07:52,970 Really? 125 00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:57,340 Yes, they do fantasise at that age, don't they? 126 00:07:58,940 --> 00:08:00,180 Has she told him about this? 127 00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:04,500 Well, not in so many words, but every so often she drops him a little hint. 128 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:06,560 Look, watch. 129 00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:08,240 Look out as she comes. 130 00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:10,840 Oh, you deal with her, Mr. Cline, will you? 131 00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:12,880 Oh. 132 00:08:14,140 --> 00:08:17,280 Was there something you wanted, Mrs. Slocum? Well, I wanted to buy a present 133 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,300 a rather special gentleman. 134 00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:21,840 Oh, well, what do you have in mind? 135 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:24,080 Ties, handkerchiefs, socks? 136 00:08:24,540 --> 00:08:27,160 Oh, they're not very romantic, Mr. Klein. 137 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,760 How about a nice pair of wire fronts? Shut up! 138 00:08:31,820 --> 00:08:36,000 Well, I have wondered about a pair of gloves to keep his hands warm. 139 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,440 Oh, he has such artistic hands. 140 00:08:39,039 --> 00:08:42,440 And what kind of gloves did you have in mind, then? Well, just show me what 141 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:43,259 you've got. 142 00:08:43,260 --> 00:08:44,199 Size? 143 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,580 Well, about... about Mr. 144 00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:47,880 Humphrey's size. 145 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:49,360 Oh. 146 00:08:49,550 --> 00:08:53,050 Mr. Humphreys, Mrs. Slocum wants to try your hand for size. 147 00:08:55,950 --> 00:08:59,670 It's very busy brushing a hat at the moment, Mr. Cairns. I'll do that, Mr. 148 00:08:59,770 --> 00:09:02,950 Humphreys. Thank you, Mr. Spooner. I shall remember that kindness. 149 00:09:03,690 --> 00:09:04,690 Here we are. 150 00:09:04,810 --> 00:09:09,290 Chinese rabbit, English mole, Venezuelan Scotch terrier, kangaroo, chamois, 151 00:09:09,350 --> 00:09:13,470 leather, plastic, string, wool, and, if you'll pardon the expression, pigskin. 152 00:09:14,030 --> 00:09:16,790 What sort of personality does the gentleman have? 153 00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:23,520 Suede. Suede. Ah, well, here we are. 154 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:27,320 Beautiful suede, inside and out. 155 00:09:27,940 --> 00:09:29,120 Try them on, Mr. Humphreys. 156 00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:36,900 Ah, now that, that is a beautiful glove. 157 00:09:37,180 --> 00:09:38,680 Just feel it, Mrs. Logan. 158 00:09:45,070 --> 00:09:47,570 I always say, a glove like that really sets a hand off. 159 00:09:47,950 --> 00:09:49,330 I think it set her off. 160 00:09:50,530 --> 00:09:54,110 We have it in three shades, you know. What colouring does the gentleman have? 161 00:09:54,290 --> 00:10:00,970 Well, fair, wavy hair, startling blue eyes, and a strong, sensitive 162 00:10:00,970 --> 00:10:05,430 chin. I wonder why she didn't mention the gap in the teeth. Mr. Spooner, get a 163 00:10:05,430 --> 00:10:09,350 broom. I take it, then, you'll settle for these? 164 00:10:09,770 --> 00:10:11,250 Yes, put them on my account. 165 00:10:11,710 --> 00:10:13,050 It's 22 pounds. 166 00:10:13,370 --> 00:10:18,710 Oh. When you've lost your heart to the man of your dreams, what's 22 pounds? 167 00:10:19,570 --> 00:10:23,450 22 pounds is the price of the gloves, plus VAT, minus staff discount. 168 00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:24,870 Would you like me to gift wrap them? 169 00:10:25,190 --> 00:10:27,130 No, just leave them on him. 170 00:10:31,530 --> 00:10:34,850 You like some sugar in your black coffee, Mr Humphreys? No, thank you, Mr 171 00:10:34,950 --> 00:10:36,930 I like it neat. I need something to calm me nerves. 172 00:10:37,730 --> 00:10:40,910 She put it into words, then? No, she put it into a pair of gloves. 173 00:10:42,390 --> 00:10:43,430 When has she got to? 174 00:10:43,850 --> 00:10:48,130 She's gone to the pub for a... Oh. Do you know, I had no idea any of this was 175 00:10:48,130 --> 00:10:51,290 happening. She's had a thing about you for weeks. That's why she's been eating 176 00:10:51,290 --> 00:10:52,109 the bottle. 177 00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:53,110 Why didn't you tell me? 178 00:10:53,290 --> 00:10:54,470 Well, I thought it would wear off. 179 00:10:54,830 --> 00:10:56,150 She's a fine woman. 180 00:10:56,630 --> 00:10:58,870 There's a lot of love going to waste there. 181 00:10:59,230 --> 00:11:01,190 First time I felt sorry for her cat. 182 00:11:03,070 --> 00:11:07,370 I expect a new experience for you, Mr Humphreys. On the contrary, Mr Spooner. 183 00:11:07,390 --> 00:11:09,430 Quite a lot of ladies have thought twice about me. 184 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,120 The trouble is, it's usually the second thought that puts them off. 185 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:19,880 You know, it seems to me that if we're not very careful, we're going to have an 186 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:20,940 alcoholic on our hands. 187 00:11:21,340 --> 00:11:24,840 I think the best way of dealing with the situation is to find someone else on 188 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:26,180 whom she can lavish her affection. 189 00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:28,620 That might take her mind off Mr Humphreys. 190 00:11:29,540 --> 00:11:31,380 It's very difficult, you know. 191 00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:37,660 When I was a young man, there was this girl with frizzy hair and staring eyes 192 00:11:37,660 --> 00:11:39,140 and fat ankles. 193 00:11:39,950 --> 00:11:44,130 And every morning when I got to the station, she was there, staring at me. 194 00:11:44,130 --> 00:11:46,530 then she'd get in the compartment and sit right opposite me, staring. 195 00:11:46,950 --> 00:11:48,510 And every night it was the same thing. 196 00:11:48,870 --> 00:11:49,910 How did you get rid of her? 197 00:11:50,370 --> 00:11:52,390 I didn't. I married her. 198 00:11:53,850 --> 00:12:00,430 And now the frizzy hair's gone grey and thin, and the eyes stare out from behind 199 00:12:00,430 --> 00:12:01,910 big, thick spectacles. 200 00:12:02,350 --> 00:12:03,450 What about the ankles? 201 00:12:04,310 --> 00:12:05,730 Don't mention the ankles. 202 00:12:07,030 --> 00:12:09,480 I think Captain Peacock got the... right idea. 203 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:12,820 What sort of a mug is it conning to take notes of that old trout? 204 00:12:14,660 --> 00:12:18,600 Spooner, if you continue to speak in that way about a senior member of staff, 205 00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:19,940 you'll go and sit at another table. 206 00:12:20,660 --> 00:12:24,740 Mrs. Floke might be an old trout, but she's got a lot of nice sides to her. 207 00:12:25,100 --> 00:12:26,100 Like what? 208 00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:29,660 Well, she's very kind when she hasn't been hitting the bottle. 209 00:12:30,460 --> 00:12:31,940 She's not as fat as she was. 210 00:12:32,260 --> 00:12:33,780 You're quite right, Captain Peacock. 211 00:12:34,060 --> 00:12:37,600 There's definitely traces there of when she used to be quite a nice -looking 212 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,780 woman. I believe she's lonely. 213 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:44,780 Well, if she's lonely, she ought to advertise in one of these contact 214 00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:46,840 Oh, no, she's too much pride for that. 215 00:12:47,140 --> 00:12:50,480 Well, we could do it for her. We could send them in, get the replies and pass 216 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:51,480 them on to her. 217 00:12:51,580 --> 00:12:52,720 I'll write it all down. 218 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,060 How would you describe her? 219 00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:58,000 Old bat seeks comfortable tree to hang. 220 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:02,020 I shan't tell you again, Miss Ritter. 221 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:04,640 I think petite lady. 222 00:13:05,060 --> 00:13:06,060 Oof! 223 00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:07,240 Hardly petite. 224 00:13:07,740 --> 00:13:09,760 Well, she will be by the time she's finished her swimming pole. 225 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:17,740 Petite lady with own home seeks kind, understanding, 226 00:13:17,980 --> 00:13:21,460 male companion of the opposite sex. 227 00:13:22,620 --> 00:13:24,080 That's a waste of words. 228 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:26,740 With a male companion, he must be of the opposite sex. 229 00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:29,740 In my experience, it's better to be safe than sorry. 230 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:33,460 You have to state what her interests are. They always put that. 231 00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:34,680 What are her interests? 232 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:36,830 Pubs. than that pussy of hers. 233 00:13:38,450 --> 00:13:41,210 Well, to save any misunderstanding, I'll just put pubs. 234 00:13:42,950 --> 00:13:43,950 Yes. 235 00:13:46,050 --> 00:13:48,850 Well, then, we'll get the replies, vet them, and pass them on to her. 236 00:14:07,310 --> 00:14:08,310 happened to me? 237 00:14:09,370 --> 00:14:14,870 Well, I'd just popped into the pub for a packet of cigarettes and on the way 238 00:14:14,870 --> 00:14:20,270 back, as I was passing the beauty parlour, they literally dragged me in 239 00:14:20,270 --> 00:14:23,050 insisted that I try this on afro. 240 00:14:23,570 --> 00:14:28,530 And you know, as soon as I got it on, everybody said how it suited me. 241 00:14:29,450 --> 00:14:32,650 All you need to do now is take all your clothes off, get on a white horse and 242 00:14:32,650 --> 00:14:34,030 you could ride to the streets of Coventry. 243 00:14:34,860 --> 00:14:36,380 It's the bride of Frankenstein. 244 00:14:39,780 --> 00:14:42,980 All right, I'm going, I'm going. But I'd like to state here and now that I'm 245 00:14:42,980 --> 00:14:46,340 being victimised for my opinions. And I shall complain to the Council for Civil 246 00:14:46,340 --> 00:14:49,760 Liberties. Since you've spent most of the coffee break taking on civil 247 00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:51,420 liberties, I don't fancy your chances. 248 00:14:52,260 --> 00:14:53,660 Thank you, Captain Peter. 249 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:55,880 Mrs. Slocum. 250 00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,340 You've not bought that wig, have you? 251 00:14:58,600 --> 00:14:59,600 Well, no. 252 00:14:59,700 --> 00:15:05,360 But the sales girl said that as soon as I put it on, the years seemed to just 253 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:06,360 drift away. 254 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,660 Wear it round the other way, they'll be right out of sight. 255 00:15:11,820 --> 00:15:13,840 She'll pop you out by the fire exit. 256 00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:20,860 How long was it since you put that ad in that magazine? 257 00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:24,820 Well, let me see what she bought me. She bought me a pair of gloves, silk hanky. 258 00:15:25,340 --> 00:15:30,040 A pair of socks, some aftershave, a writing pad, some envelopes, a pair of 259 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:31,040 shorty pyjamas. 260 00:15:31,780 --> 00:15:33,280 I say about ten days. 261 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:37,220 Shouldn't we be hearing something fine now? Oh, I got some replies last night. 262 00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:39,020 phoned one man. He sounded quite nice. 263 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:41,800 He's coming in on his way to work this morning to be introduced. 264 00:15:42,300 --> 00:15:43,300 What about the others? 265 00:15:43,580 --> 00:15:46,320 Well, my mother came back, and I couldn't very well sit there on the 266 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:51,200 talking to strange men, saying, hello, you don't know me, but I went round to 267 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,660 the post office. I sent telegrams to everybody. 268 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:57,880 I told them to come in here, ask for me, and I'll introduce them. 269 00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:02,680 Good morning, sir. 270 00:16:02,900 --> 00:16:03,459 Good morning. 271 00:16:03,460 --> 00:16:04,460 Are you being served? 272 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:06,220 Mr Humphreys. 273 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:08,160 He's over there, sir. 274 00:16:08,460 --> 00:16:10,060 Mr Humphreys is a gentleman for you. 275 00:16:12,010 --> 00:16:13,970 Good morning, sir. Good morning. What's it to be? 276 00:16:14,210 --> 00:16:15,830 Well, who knows, young man? 277 00:16:17,050 --> 00:16:19,550 Probably the happiest day of my life. 278 00:16:19,810 --> 00:16:20,810 I beg your pardon? 279 00:16:22,370 --> 00:16:26,070 I've come about the lady in the advert. 280 00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:27,610 Oh, yes. 281 00:16:28,490 --> 00:16:30,270 She's behind you on the lady's counter. 282 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:31,129 Oh, really? 283 00:16:31,130 --> 00:16:32,130 Oh, sorry. 284 00:16:32,610 --> 00:16:36,150 Which one? The one on the left or the one on the right? 285 00:16:36,370 --> 00:16:39,330 The one on the left. On the left. Oh, yes. Can you see? 286 00:16:39,610 --> 00:16:40,610 Yes, thank you. 287 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,200 Good morning. 288 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,240 You can cross him off for a start. 289 00:16:47,460 --> 00:16:53,060 Now, pass those tights down to me, Miss Brahms. I'm going to shove them all into 290 00:16:53,060 --> 00:16:54,120 this bottom drawer. 291 00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:59,720 I could do that for you. No, I'm better doing it. It takes me mind off other 292 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:00,720 things. 293 00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:06,940 Blimey, look what's arrived. 294 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:09,240 I should never have described her as petite. 295 00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:44,760 She's coming over. 296 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:49,000 I'll tell you another thing. I'm not sitting next to her at the opera house. 297 00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:50,180 Otherwise, I'm not going. 298 00:17:52,340 --> 00:17:54,860 How are you this morning, Mr. Humphreys? 299 00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,120 Bright -eyed and bushy -tailed, Mrs. Slocum. 300 00:17:58,080 --> 00:17:59,560 You've broken my dream. 301 00:18:00,620 --> 00:18:04,360 Last night, I dreamt that you were Squirrel, not Kim. 302 00:18:06,700 --> 00:18:09,020 And I was a little lady squirrel. 303 00:18:15,950 --> 00:18:17,590 I'll get thatched in dandelion leaves. 304 00:18:18,610 --> 00:18:19,830 How did you guess? 305 00:18:20,150 --> 00:18:21,370 I never use anything else. 306 00:18:22,290 --> 00:18:29,010 Well, anyway, in my dream, I climbed up the tree and I knocked on your little 307 00:18:29,010 --> 00:18:33,970 door. And you pretended you weren't in, so I had to kick it down. 308 00:18:35,770 --> 00:18:39,730 And there you were, hiding behind your acorn. 309 00:18:41,470 --> 00:18:43,350 What do you suppose that means? 310 00:18:43,710 --> 00:18:46,190 It means I've got to build it a damn side tyre next year. 311 00:18:47,170 --> 00:18:52,750 Oh, I do love a man with a sense of humour. I always say if a man can make 312 00:18:52,750 --> 00:18:54,550 laugh, everything else will follow. 313 00:18:54,810 --> 00:18:57,650 In my case, Mrs. Slocum, it may be a very long way behind. 314 00:18:59,850 --> 00:19:02,110 I brought these for you. 315 00:19:02,710 --> 00:19:06,110 I thought they'd be lovely in front of a little log fire. 316 00:19:06,650 --> 00:19:08,150 I haven't got a log fire. 317 00:19:08,710 --> 00:19:09,710 Oh, no. 318 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,560 Oh, I know where there's a lovely one. 319 00:19:18,460 --> 00:19:23,680 Mrs. Slocum, would you be good enough to return to your own counter? Mr. 320 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:26,200 Humphreys is not here for idle chit -chat. 321 00:19:26,420 --> 00:19:27,940 He's here to serve customers. 322 00:19:28,220 --> 00:19:34,760 In that case, I'll have a size 48 nightshirt. 323 00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:37,000 Size 48? That's big enough for two. 324 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:39,160 Exactly. 325 00:19:44,460 --> 00:19:48,020 Yes, yes. Well, I appreciate that as colleagues of Mrs. Slocum, you have been 326 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:51,840 trying to cover for her. But it's been plain to me for some time that she's not 327 00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:52,699 been herself. 328 00:19:52,700 --> 00:19:58,620 As witness, these letters of complaint from customers, calling her a crabby old 329 00:19:58,620 --> 00:19:59,620 cow. 330 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,040 And a tetchy old trout. 331 00:20:03,700 --> 00:20:05,260 And a miserable old bat. 332 00:20:06,300 --> 00:20:09,820 Captain Peacock, in all your experience, have you ever known one of our 333 00:20:09,820 --> 00:20:11,400 employees to be described like that? 334 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:13,520 Not by a customer, sir. 335 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:21,160 Well, the reason for all this becomes clear upon the discovery of these items. 336 00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:30,360 Gin and... Gin 337 00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:34,820 and... Gin again. 338 00:20:35,460 --> 00:20:36,960 Now, where is she now? 339 00:20:37,700 --> 00:20:39,300 Perhaps she's still having lunch, sir. 340 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:42,120 Captain Peacock, she hasn't even been into the canteen. 341 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:43,680 Enter. 342 00:20:45,060 --> 00:20:48,700 We found Mrs. Slocum, sir. She was in the four -hour bar next door. 343 00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:52,680 I think it temporarily slipped her mind what the time was and where she worked. 344 00:20:56,020 --> 00:21:01,260 Mr. Rumble, I hope you're not labouring under the misapprehension that I was in 345 00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:02,260 there boozing. 346 00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:06,620 I only popped in to buy a packet of croissants. 347 00:21:10,250 --> 00:21:14,270 Malcolm, without doubting your word for one moment, would you mind blowing into 348 00:21:14,270 --> 00:21:15,270 this bag? 349 00:21:15,910 --> 00:21:17,350 Certainly, Mr. Rumpole. 350 00:21:21,190 --> 00:21:26,670 And I must warn you that your whole future at Grace Brothers may depend upon 351 00:21:26,670 --> 00:21:27,670 result. 352 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:41,180 Only another hundred yards to go. 353 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:43,040 We've had it, Mr. Gray. 354 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:45,660 Oh, there we are. 355 00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:50,660 I've got a surprise for you. You've been doing it on your own for the last five 356 00:21:50,660 --> 00:21:54,180 minutes. You get used to that sort of thing at my time of life. 357 00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:57,780 Come along. You should be feeling fit and healthy now. 358 00:21:58,940 --> 00:22:01,740 Oh, come in. 359 00:22:03,870 --> 00:22:07,870 There's a bloke outside wants to sell you a medical chair. A medical chair? 360 00:22:07,970 --> 00:22:08,970 What's that do? 361 00:22:08,990 --> 00:22:12,290 Well, it's electrically operated and it sort of relaxes your limbs. Like, you 362 00:22:12,290 --> 00:22:14,230 sit in it, switch on it and it makes you do this. 363 00:22:15,370 --> 00:22:17,810 I'd do that anyway. Tell him to go away. 364 00:22:18,030 --> 00:22:19,150 Go away. 365 00:22:20,270 --> 00:22:25,090 Mr Gray, the first floor say if you want them to wait outside any longer, could 366 00:22:25,090 --> 00:22:26,370 they have coffee and sandwiches? 367 00:22:26,730 --> 00:22:27,990 Tell them to come in. 368 00:22:29,770 --> 00:22:33,870 After you, Miss Brown. Rumbo, get in here immediately and bring that medical 369 00:22:33,870 --> 00:22:34,930 report with you. 370 00:22:36,510 --> 00:22:37,510 Well, 371 00:22:38,890 --> 00:22:39,890 get on with it. 372 00:22:40,050 --> 00:22:41,050 Yes, sir. 373 00:22:41,070 --> 00:22:42,070 As Mrs. 374 00:22:42,210 --> 00:22:46,270 Slocum's behaviour was so variant with her normal character, we had the case 375 00:22:46,270 --> 00:22:47,650 examined by an eminent psychiatrist. 376 00:22:48,190 --> 00:22:52,970 And, well, sir, what in effect he said is that Mrs. Slocum appears to have 377 00:22:52,970 --> 00:22:56,690 up a fantasy world for herself. And in this world, she's... 378 00:22:56,910 --> 00:23:01,850 deluded herself that she's in love with Mr Humphreys. Now, as Mr Humphreys has 379 00:23:01,850 --> 00:23:05,550 failed to respond, understandably... Very understandably. 380 00:23:06,490 --> 00:23:10,850 Mrs Slocum is taken to the bottle. I didn't need to pay a hundred quid to 381 00:23:10,850 --> 00:23:12,330 that. What's the cure? 382 00:23:12,830 --> 00:23:13,830 Well, sir... 383 00:23:13,930 --> 00:23:19,890 The psychiatrist says that in his experience, when fantasy turns into 384 00:23:20,270 --> 00:23:21,650 it often fades away. 385 00:23:22,010 --> 00:23:26,670 Ah, in other words, if Mr Humphreys had a go at her, she'd run a mile. 386 00:23:27,930 --> 00:23:28,809 Yes, sir. 387 00:23:28,810 --> 00:23:32,830 There's no problem then, is there, Mr Humphreys? Well, I must confess, Mr 388 00:23:32,870 --> 00:23:34,050 I would find it very difficult. 389 00:23:34,430 --> 00:23:38,830 Well, just pretend she's that girl that I get so excited about in Dallas. 390 00:23:39,070 --> 00:23:40,730 What's her name? Sue Allen. 391 00:23:40,930 --> 00:23:42,230 Oh, oh, me leg's gone. 392 00:23:43,580 --> 00:23:46,120 Thinking about Sue Allen wouldn't necessarily help me. 393 00:23:46,580 --> 00:23:53,360 How about J .R.? Do you always go like that when you think about J 394 00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:55,180 .R.? No, it's not him. It's that hat. 395 00:23:56,740 --> 00:24:02,220 Well, the fact remains that if Mr. Humphreys could steel himself to, as it 396 00:24:02,300 --> 00:24:05,740 make a bold advance, the shock might cure her. 397 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:10,000 As I'm sure none of us wants to lose Mrs. Locke. Oh, no, we're all very fond 398 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,700 her. Because I'd have to find the right place in the right moment. 399 00:24:13,020 --> 00:24:16,120 How about in the box at the ballet tonight? You can pretend it's the 400 00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:18,740 of the pictures and, you know, get in there and wahey! 401 00:24:20,060 --> 00:24:23,040 It'll be better at Covent Garden because the usherettes there don't have 402 00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:26,020 torches, so you can get in there and wahey. 403 00:24:26,780 --> 00:24:28,460 What ballet are you going to see? 404 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:29,880 The Nutcracker Suite. 405 00:24:34,940 --> 00:24:36,700 Come on, quick again. 406 00:24:37,020 --> 00:24:38,540 Be as quick as you can. We've missed the beginning. 407 00:24:38,860 --> 00:24:42,720 Oh, I'm very sorry, Captain Peacock, but I had to have another drink. 408 00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:46,560 I've got this awful dry feeling at the back of my throat. 409 00:24:47,100 --> 00:24:49,660 I think it's the new perfume I'm wearing. 410 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:53,540 When are the nutcrackers coming on? 411 00:24:54,340 --> 00:24:55,600 That's the big one at the end. 412 00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:58,460 Oh, she isn't all. I hadn't noticed her. 413 00:24:59,180 --> 00:25:02,120 No, I mean that ballet's in the second half of the programme. 414 00:25:31,020 --> 00:25:31,940 Oh, look 415 00:25:31,940 --> 00:25:38,720 what's just 416 00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:39,980 come on. It's the anthem. 417 00:25:40,620 --> 00:25:43,660 Yes, that's Noblikov. He's very big in Russia. 418 00:25:46,660 --> 00:25:48,260 He's pretty big there, too. 419 00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:55,680 Why is he twiddling her around like that, making her dizzy? 420 00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:57,380 That's called a pirouette. 421 00:26:01,330 --> 00:26:02,610 That's called an entrechat. 422 00:26:02,850 --> 00:26:03,850 What's that? 423 00:26:03,910 --> 00:26:04,910 Well, it's French. 424 00:26:05,070 --> 00:26:07,310 All the terms in ballet are in French. 425 00:26:07,630 --> 00:26:11,030 Entre, as in entre nous, means between. 426 00:26:11,570 --> 00:26:12,830 And what's the other bit? 427 00:26:13,250 --> 00:26:19,110 Well, C -H -A -T, pronounced chat, means... Oh, I know what that means. 428 00:26:19,110 --> 00:26:20,110 French for pussy. 429 00:26:22,190 --> 00:26:25,290 When you see what he's doing to her, it must mean something else. 430 00:26:26,270 --> 00:26:27,730 Shh, be quiet. 431 00:26:28,930 --> 00:26:30,850 Have they all forgotten the words? No. 432 00:26:31,210 --> 00:26:34,430 They don't have words in ballet, you Eden Rebuck. 433 00:26:36,590 --> 00:26:39,050 Why's she wagging her finger at him like that? 434 00:26:40,090 --> 00:26:41,610 She's rejecting his advances. 435 00:26:42,450 --> 00:26:44,990 She'd have to do a damn sight more than that in Catford. 436 00:26:50,990 --> 00:26:52,670 This is the famous pas de deux. 437 00:26:54,630 --> 00:26:56,130 I know what pas de deux means. 438 00:26:56,570 --> 00:26:57,570 Father of twins. 439 00:27:05,550 --> 00:27:06,509 Mr. Humphreys. 440 00:27:06,510 --> 00:27:11,270 Mr. Humphreys. I don't want to spoil your evening, but we set you next to 441 00:27:11,390 --> 00:27:12,390 Slocum for a purpose. 442 00:27:12,530 --> 00:27:13,790 You have spoiled my evening. 443 00:27:14,250 --> 00:27:15,270 What are you going to do? 444 00:27:15,710 --> 00:27:19,790 Act like the man of her dreams and give her knee the tickle. 445 00:27:20,450 --> 00:27:21,450 How do you mean? 446 00:27:45,740 --> 00:27:46,860 Sorry, me mind was wandering. 447 00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:54,860 Nothing. We'll have to take it a stage further. 448 00:27:55,500 --> 00:27:57,260 How do I take it a stage further? 449 00:27:57,640 --> 00:27:58,640 Like this. 450 00:28:03,540 --> 00:28:05,140 I can't do that to Mrs. 451 00:28:05,380 --> 00:28:08,440 Slocum. Well, take her hand and do this. 452 00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:10,280 Miss Brock! 453 00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:23,960 She hasn't been drinking in the box. 454 00:28:24,180 --> 00:28:25,920 No, out of it. Liqueur chocolate. 455 00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:30,900 Well, sir, it would seem that for the moment your problems are over. 456 00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:33,200 On the contrary, Captain Peacock. 457 00:28:33,620 --> 00:28:34,620 They're just beginning. 458 00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:26,520 What's going on? 35826

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