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1
00:00:18,750 --> 00:00:23,090
There you are, madam. If you have any
complaint, don't hesitate to return it.
2
00:00:23,130 --> 00:00:26,630
We'll exchange it without question,
provided you have the receipt, you
3
00:00:26,630 --> 00:00:27,830
worn it, and it's not clean.
4
00:00:30,410 --> 00:00:32,650
Captain Peacock. Yes, Mr. Herman.
5
00:00:33,180 --> 00:00:36,840
You told me not to come on the floor
when the store was open without
6
00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:37,920
your attention first.
7
00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:39,540
That is quite correct, Mr. Harmon.
8
00:00:43,620 --> 00:00:45,620
Oh, I see I've attracted your attention.
9
00:00:48,620 --> 00:00:49,599
Go back.
10
00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:50,600
You've not had my permission.
11
00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:56,200
Does that mean you don't want the first
prize in Grace Brothers' lucky lottery
12
00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:57,620
what your department has won?
13
00:00:57,900 --> 00:01:01,920
What was that? I'm proud to tell you and
pleased that you are now the proud
14
00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:07,390
possessor... of a box at Convent Garden
for six personages for the valet. There
15
00:01:07,390 --> 00:01:08,229
is the ticket.
16
00:01:08,230 --> 00:01:09,830
Oh, how wonderful!
17
00:01:10,470 --> 00:01:13,210
The last time I had a box at Convent
Garden, it was on me head and full of
18
00:01:13,210 --> 00:01:14,210
cauliflower.
19
00:01:15,110 --> 00:01:17,370
There are the tickets for your counter,
Mr. Klein.
20
00:01:17,770 --> 00:01:19,630
And there are yours, Miss Brahms. Thank
you.
21
00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:21,690
Oh, Miss Brahms, where's Mrs. Slocum?
22
00:01:21,890 --> 00:01:24,250
Oh, she's in the fitting room taking off
her coat.
23
00:01:24,770 --> 00:01:28,010
We've been open for nearly six minutes,
Miss Brahms. Go and get her. Yes, sir.
24
00:01:36,490 --> 00:01:37,490
drinking at this hour.
25
00:01:37,970 --> 00:01:43,470
Of course I'm not, Miss Brahms. I'm just
taking my slimming pill. Only I've run
26
00:01:43,470 --> 00:01:46,750
out of water and I can't bear neat gin.
27
00:01:47,270 --> 00:01:52,890
Why don't you take the pill with a plain
tonic? Oh, I can't stand the taste of
28
00:01:52,890 --> 00:01:56,210
tonic. That's why I'm putting gin and
lemon in.
29
00:01:57,250 --> 00:01:59,150
Captain Peacock wants to see you.
30
00:02:19,380 --> 00:02:22,740
customer. She brought one of them ribbed
cardigans and it shrunk. Oh, not
31
00:02:22,740 --> 00:02:23,740
another one.
32
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:25,520
Yeah, and it's your customer and all.
33
00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:28,800
Leave it to me, Miss Brahms. I'm just in
the mood.
34
00:02:34,340 --> 00:02:36,540
Now, madam, and what's the trouble?
35
00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:40,560
Well, look at this. I followed the
washing instructions to the letter and
36
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:41,418
what's happened.
37
00:02:41,420 --> 00:02:45,620
And look at the label. It says quite
distinctly, non -shrink.
38
00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:47,360
Madam.
39
00:02:54,420 --> 00:02:56,900
There. You see? Compare the labels.
40
00:02:57,580 --> 00:02:59,220
The label hasn't shrunk.
41
00:03:02,220 --> 00:03:03,840
You can't have a refund.
42
00:03:04,180 --> 00:03:08,600
I assume that the instructions apply to
the cardigans. Did you?
43
00:03:10,060 --> 00:03:11,560
Well, hard cheese.
44
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:17,260
I'm going to take your name. I'm sorry,
madam. We're not allowed to give names.
45
00:03:17,660 --> 00:03:20,280
Well, in that case, I... I shall
remember...
46
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,000
And she just caught me on a bum morning.
47
00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:37,380
Did you spend last night on the booze?
48
00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:42,640
Certainly not, Miss Brahms. I just
thought I'd sleep better if I had a
49
00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:46,200
I mean, you know I've been having these
strange dreams lately.
50
00:03:46,940 --> 00:03:48,880
Still about Mr Humphrey? Yes.
51
00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:51,400
He's different in me dreams.
52
00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:55,440
I'm beginning to see him in quite a new
light.
53
00:03:56,460 --> 00:04:01,600
Have you said anything to him? No, but I
do feel sometimes when I look at him
54
00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:03,910
that... He knows some of them.
55
00:04:07,310 --> 00:04:09,110
Hurry up. She's looking at you again. I
know.
56
00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:11,610
I can feel the hair standing up on the
back of me neck.
57
00:04:13,230 --> 00:04:18,589
Do you think she wants something? I hope
not. Do you know... I can't think
58
00:04:18,589 --> 00:04:22,470
what's come over her. I've only got to
give her the slightest hint of a smile
59
00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:23,810
and she goes all wobbly at the knees.
60
00:04:24,610 --> 00:04:25,610
Watch this.
61
00:04:31,530 --> 00:04:33,630
Oh, Miss Browns, he smiled at me.
62
00:04:33,970 --> 00:04:35,630
Well, he was only a little one.
63
00:04:35,910 --> 00:04:37,210
Well, it's only half past nine.
64
00:04:38,510 --> 00:04:43,070
Anyway, last night, me and Mrs Axelby
went down to the Green Man for a quiet
65
00:04:43,070 --> 00:04:47,630
drink. Well, we hadn't had anything to
eat, so we just had a couple of bags of
66
00:04:47,630 --> 00:04:50,890
pork scratchings and some bacon
-flavoured crisps.
67
00:04:51,310 --> 00:04:54,450
And one of the crisps got stuck in my
throat.
68
00:04:55,070 --> 00:04:58,890
And do you know it took three or four
gin and tonics to shift it?
69
00:05:00,940 --> 00:05:03,860
And I think that one of those crisps was
bad.
70
00:05:04,420 --> 00:05:08,060
Because when I got outside at half past
eleven, I felt quite dizzy.
71
00:05:09,460 --> 00:05:12,580
What time did you go into the pub for
your nightcap?
72
00:05:12,900 --> 00:05:14,880
About quarter to eight.
73
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,100
But do you know what I think happened?
74
00:05:18,540 --> 00:05:21,020
I think me body temperature dropped.
75
00:05:21,740 --> 00:05:25,700
Anyway, I hung on to this lamp post and
we sang songs to keep us warm.
76
00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:29,080
But you were glad when the bus arrived?
77
00:05:29,740 --> 00:05:31,440
Well, the first one didn't start.
78
00:05:31,780 --> 00:05:38,740
And I know he saw me because I lifted up
my skirt and stuck my leg out. And he
79
00:05:38,740 --> 00:05:41,480
put his foot down and he drove straight
past us.
80
00:05:41,820 --> 00:05:43,160
So you had to get on the next one?
81
00:05:43,500 --> 00:05:45,680
No, but the one after that stopped.
82
00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:51,660
Oh, and the conductor was cheeky. Do you
know, the bus was completely empty, but
83
00:05:51,660 --> 00:05:52,660
he made us go upstairs.
84
00:05:53,660 --> 00:05:56,160
So when I got off, I took his number.
85
00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:57,860
Oh, well, I hope you wrote it down.
86
00:05:58,220 --> 00:05:59,220
I didn't need to.
87
00:05:59,700 --> 00:06:00,700
Sonny's at.
88
00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,220
Is she still looking at me?
89
00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:08,360
No. Now, go on, tell us about the rave
-up you had last night.
90
00:06:08,580 --> 00:06:11,960
Well, it wasn't really a rave -up. It
finished quite early. So about half a
91
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:15,360
dozen of us went back to this bloke's
flat that's got this video recorder.
92
00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:16,640
Let me see.
93
00:06:16,860 --> 00:06:21,240
I know he belongs to one of these adult
X -rated video libraries.
94
00:06:21,740 --> 00:06:24,780
Oh, I've heard about those. Yeah. Well,
he gets a discount being a theological
95
00:06:24,780 --> 00:06:25,780
student.
96
00:06:27,130 --> 00:06:31,270
Anyway, I wondered what happened. He
pressed the button and bang, the screen
97
00:06:31,270 --> 00:06:32,229
went blank.
98
00:06:32,230 --> 00:06:33,250
So you went home?
99
00:06:33,510 --> 00:06:37,170
No, no, no. The sound was working, so we
listened to that. But whatever they
100
00:06:37,170 --> 00:06:40,570
were doing must have been outside
because I heard a lot of wind and
101
00:06:40,850 --> 00:06:44,370
I expect it was an orgy. I thought, yes.
102
00:06:44,810 --> 00:06:48,890
Especially when I heard some voice say,
Mary Rose has turned over and I can see
103
00:06:48,890 --> 00:06:49,890
her bottom.
104
00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:54,330
And a voice shouted, I want to see every
man bent over an oar.
105
00:06:56,780 --> 00:07:00,440
I was just about to take my mother home
when I heard this other voice say, which
106
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:04,120
way do you want us to row, Mr Baines?
And I realised it was the Oneiden line.
107
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:06,540
Where's Mrs Slocum now?
108
00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:10,880
Oh, she's in the ladies, fixing her make
-up. She's hardly been at her comfort
109
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:11,880
at all this morning.
110
00:07:12,300 --> 00:07:16,700
Well, to tell the truth, and I don't
like telling tales, but I'm very worried
111
00:07:16,700 --> 00:07:17,700
about her.
112
00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,420
I must say, her behaviour has been a
little strange lately.
113
00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:24,340
Well, she says her nerves are bad. She's
been having these disturbing nights.
114
00:07:24,810 --> 00:07:26,130
You mean disturbed nights?
115
00:07:26,430 --> 00:07:27,670
No, disturbing.
116
00:07:28,350 --> 00:07:32,170
She's got this man on her mind and she
keeps dreaming about him. You know,
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00:07:32,190 --> 00:07:33,350
erotic dreams.
118
00:07:33,990 --> 00:07:34,990
Really?
119
00:07:35,550 --> 00:07:39,390
Yes, they do fantasise at that age,
don't they? Oh, yes.
120
00:07:39,990 --> 00:07:42,570
I've got an aunt what's got the hots for
Richard Baker.
121
00:07:44,230 --> 00:07:47,290
Who has Mrs. Slocum got the hots for?
122
00:07:47,870 --> 00:07:49,690
You'll never believe it. Who?
123
00:07:50,210 --> 00:07:51,270
Mr. Humphrey.
124
00:07:51,970 --> 00:07:52,970
Really?
125
00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:57,340
Yes, they do fantasise at that age,
don't they?
126
00:07:58,940 --> 00:08:00,180
Has she told him about this?
127
00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:04,500
Well, not in so many words, but every so
often she drops him a little hint.
128
00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:06,560
Look, watch.
129
00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:08,240
Look out as she comes.
130
00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:10,840
Oh, you deal with her, Mr. Cline, will
you?
131
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:12,880
Oh.
132
00:08:14,140 --> 00:08:17,280
Was there something you wanted, Mrs.
Slocum? Well, I wanted to buy a present
133
00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,300
a rather special gentleman.
134
00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:21,840
Oh, well, what do you have in mind?
135
00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:24,080
Ties, handkerchiefs, socks?
136
00:08:24,540 --> 00:08:27,160
Oh, they're not very romantic, Mr.
Klein.
137
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,760
How about a nice pair of wire fronts?
Shut up!
138
00:08:31,820 --> 00:08:36,000
Well, I have wondered about a pair of
gloves to keep his hands warm.
139
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,440
Oh, he has such artistic hands.
140
00:08:39,039 --> 00:08:42,440
And what kind of gloves did you have in
mind, then? Well, just show me what
141
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:43,259
you've got.
142
00:08:43,260 --> 00:08:44,199
Size?
143
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,580
Well, about... about Mr.
144
00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:47,880
Humphrey's size.
145
00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:49,360
Oh.
146
00:08:49,550 --> 00:08:53,050
Mr. Humphreys, Mrs. Slocum wants to try
your hand for size.
147
00:08:55,950 --> 00:08:59,670
It's very busy brushing a hat at the
moment, Mr. Cairns. I'll do that, Mr.
148
00:08:59,770 --> 00:09:02,950
Humphreys. Thank you, Mr. Spooner. I
shall remember that kindness.
149
00:09:03,690 --> 00:09:04,690
Here we are.
150
00:09:04,810 --> 00:09:09,290
Chinese rabbit, English mole, Venezuelan
Scotch terrier, kangaroo, chamois,
151
00:09:09,350 --> 00:09:13,470
leather, plastic, string, wool, and, if
you'll pardon the expression, pigskin.
152
00:09:14,030 --> 00:09:16,790
What sort of personality does the
gentleman have?
153
00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:23,520
Suede. Suede. Ah, well, here we are.
154
00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:27,320
Beautiful suede, inside and out.
155
00:09:27,940 --> 00:09:29,120
Try them on, Mr. Humphreys.
156
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:36,900
Ah, now that, that is a beautiful glove.
157
00:09:37,180 --> 00:09:38,680
Just feel it, Mrs. Logan.
158
00:09:45,070 --> 00:09:47,570
I always say, a glove like that really
sets a hand off.
159
00:09:47,950 --> 00:09:49,330
I think it set her off.
160
00:09:50,530 --> 00:09:54,110
We have it in three shades, you know.
What colouring does the gentleman have?
161
00:09:54,290 --> 00:10:00,970
Well, fair, wavy hair, startling blue
eyes, and a strong, sensitive
162
00:10:00,970 --> 00:10:05,430
chin. I wonder why she didn't mention
the gap in the teeth. Mr. Spooner, get a
163
00:10:05,430 --> 00:10:09,350
broom. I take it, then, you'll settle
for these?
164
00:10:09,770 --> 00:10:11,250
Yes, put them on my account.
165
00:10:11,710 --> 00:10:13,050
It's 22 pounds.
166
00:10:13,370 --> 00:10:18,710
Oh. When you've lost your heart to the
man of your dreams, what's 22 pounds?
167
00:10:19,570 --> 00:10:23,450
22 pounds is the price of the gloves,
plus VAT, minus staff discount.
168
00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:24,870
Would you like me to gift wrap them?
169
00:10:25,190 --> 00:10:27,130
No, just leave them on him.
170
00:10:31,530 --> 00:10:34,850
You like some sugar in your black
coffee, Mr Humphreys? No, thank you, Mr
171
00:10:34,950 --> 00:10:36,930
I like it neat. I need something to calm
me nerves.
172
00:10:37,730 --> 00:10:40,910
She put it into words, then? No, she put
it into a pair of gloves.
173
00:10:42,390 --> 00:10:43,430
When has she got to?
174
00:10:43,850 --> 00:10:48,130
She's gone to the pub for a... Oh. Do
you know, I had no idea any of this was
175
00:10:48,130 --> 00:10:51,290
happening. She's had a thing about you
for weeks. That's why she's been eating
176
00:10:51,290 --> 00:10:52,109
the bottle.
177
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:53,110
Why didn't you tell me?
178
00:10:53,290 --> 00:10:54,470
Well, I thought it would wear off.
179
00:10:54,830 --> 00:10:56,150
She's a fine woman.
180
00:10:56,630 --> 00:10:58,870
There's a lot of love going to waste
there.
181
00:10:59,230 --> 00:11:01,190
First time I felt sorry for her cat.
182
00:11:03,070 --> 00:11:07,370
I expect a new experience for you, Mr
Humphreys. On the contrary, Mr Spooner.
183
00:11:07,390 --> 00:11:09,430
Quite a lot of ladies have thought twice
about me.
184
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,120
The trouble is, it's usually the second
thought that puts them off.
185
00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:19,880
You know, it seems to me that if we're
not very careful, we're going to have an
186
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:20,940
alcoholic on our hands.
187
00:11:21,340 --> 00:11:24,840
I think the best way of dealing with the
situation is to find someone else on
188
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:26,180
whom she can lavish her affection.
189
00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:28,620
That might take her mind off Mr
Humphreys.
190
00:11:29,540 --> 00:11:31,380
It's very difficult, you know.
191
00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:37,660
When I was a young man, there was this
girl with frizzy hair and staring eyes
192
00:11:37,660 --> 00:11:39,140
and fat ankles.
193
00:11:39,950 --> 00:11:44,130
And every morning when I got to the
station, she was there, staring at me.
194
00:11:44,130 --> 00:11:46,530
then she'd get in the compartment and
sit right opposite me, staring.
195
00:11:46,950 --> 00:11:48,510
And every night it was the same thing.
196
00:11:48,870 --> 00:11:49,910
How did you get rid of her?
197
00:11:50,370 --> 00:11:52,390
I didn't. I married her.
198
00:11:53,850 --> 00:12:00,430
And now the frizzy hair's gone grey and
thin, and the eyes stare out from behind
199
00:12:00,430 --> 00:12:01,910
big, thick spectacles.
200
00:12:02,350 --> 00:12:03,450
What about the ankles?
201
00:12:04,310 --> 00:12:05,730
Don't mention the ankles.
202
00:12:07,030 --> 00:12:09,480
I think Captain Peacock got the... right
idea.
203
00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:12,820
What sort of a mug is it conning to take
notes of that old trout?
204
00:12:14,660 --> 00:12:18,600
Spooner, if you continue to speak in
that way about a senior member of staff,
205
00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:19,940
you'll go and sit at another table.
206
00:12:20,660 --> 00:12:24,740
Mrs. Floke might be an old trout, but
she's got a lot of nice sides to her.
207
00:12:25,100 --> 00:12:26,100
Like what?
208
00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:29,660
Well, she's very kind when she hasn't
been hitting the bottle.
209
00:12:30,460 --> 00:12:31,940
She's not as fat as she was.
210
00:12:32,260 --> 00:12:33,780
You're quite right, Captain Peacock.
211
00:12:34,060 --> 00:12:37,600
There's definitely traces there of when
she used to be quite a nice -looking
212
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,780
woman. I believe she's lonely.
213
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:44,780
Well, if she's lonely, she ought to
advertise in one of these contact
214
00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:46,840
Oh, no, she's too much pride for that.
215
00:12:47,140 --> 00:12:50,480
Well, we could do it for her. We could
send them in, get the replies and pass
216
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:51,480
them on to her.
217
00:12:51,580 --> 00:12:52,720
I'll write it all down.
218
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,060
How would you describe her?
219
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:58,000
Old bat seeks comfortable tree to hang.
220
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:02,020
I shan't tell you again, Miss Ritter.
221
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:04,640
I think petite lady.
222
00:13:05,060 --> 00:13:06,060
Oof!
223
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:07,240
Hardly petite.
224
00:13:07,740 --> 00:13:09,760
Well, she will be by the time she's
finished her swimming pole.
225
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:17,740
Petite lady with own home seeks kind,
understanding,
226
00:13:17,980 --> 00:13:21,460
male companion of the opposite sex.
227
00:13:22,620 --> 00:13:24,080
That's a waste of words.
228
00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:26,740
With a male companion, he must be of the
opposite sex.
229
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:29,740
In my experience, it's better to be safe
than sorry.
230
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:33,460
You have to state what her interests
are. They always put that.
231
00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:34,680
What are her interests?
232
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:36,830
Pubs. than that pussy of hers.
233
00:13:38,450 --> 00:13:41,210
Well, to save any misunderstanding, I'll
just put pubs.
234
00:13:42,950 --> 00:13:43,950
Yes.
235
00:13:46,050 --> 00:13:48,850
Well, then, we'll get the replies, vet
them, and pass them on to her.
236
00:14:07,310 --> 00:14:08,310
happened to me?
237
00:14:09,370 --> 00:14:14,870
Well, I'd just popped into the pub for a
packet of cigarettes and on the way
238
00:14:14,870 --> 00:14:20,270
back, as I was passing the beauty
parlour, they literally dragged me in
239
00:14:20,270 --> 00:14:23,050
insisted that I try this on afro.
240
00:14:23,570 --> 00:14:28,530
And you know, as soon as I got it on,
everybody said how it suited me.
241
00:14:29,450 --> 00:14:32,650
All you need to do now is take all your
clothes off, get on a white horse and
242
00:14:32,650 --> 00:14:34,030
you could ride to the streets of
Coventry.
243
00:14:34,860 --> 00:14:36,380
It's the bride of Frankenstein.
244
00:14:39,780 --> 00:14:42,980
All right, I'm going, I'm going. But I'd
like to state here and now that I'm
245
00:14:42,980 --> 00:14:46,340
being victimised for my opinions. And I
shall complain to the Council for Civil
246
00:14:46,340 --> 00:14:49,760
Liberties. Since you've spent most of
the coffee break taking on civil
247
00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:51,420
liberties, I don't fancy your chances.
248
00:14:52,260 --> 00:14:53,660
Thank you, Captain Peter.
249
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:55,880
Mrs. Slocum.
250
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,340
You've not bought that wig, have you?
251
00:14:58,600 --> 00:14:59,600
Well, no.
252
00:14:59,700 --> 00:15:05,360
But the sales girl said that as soon as
I put it on, the years seemed to just
253
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:06,360
drift away.
254
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,660
Wear it round the other way, they'll be
right out of sight.
255
00:15:11,820 --> 00:15:13,840
She'll pop you out by the fire exit.
256
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:20,860
How long was it since you put that ad in
that magazine?
257
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:24,820
Well, let me see what she bought me. She
bought me a pair of gloves, silk hanky.
258
00:15:25,340 --> 00:15:30,040
A pair of socks, some aftershave, a
writing pad, some envelopes, a pair of
259
00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:31,040
shorty pyjamas.
260
00:15:31,780 --> 00:15:33,280
I say about ten days.
261
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:37,220
Shouldn't we be hearing something fine
now? Oh, I got some replies last night.
262
00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:39,020
phoned one man. He sounded quite nice.
263
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:41,800
He's coming in on his way to work this
morning to be introduced.
264
00:15:42,300 --> 00:15:43,300
What about the others?
265
00:15:43,580 --> 00:15:46,320
Well, my mother came back, and I
couldn't very well sit there on the
266
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:51,200
talking to strange men, saying, hello,
you don't know me, but I went round to
267
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,660
the post office. I sent telegrams to
everybody.
268
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:57,880
I told them to come in here, ask for me,
and I'll introduce them.
269
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:02,680
Good morning, sir.
270
00:16:02,900 --> 00:16:03,459
Good morning.
271
00:16:03,460 --> 00:16:04,460
Are you being served?
272
00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:06,220
Mr Humphreys.
273
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:08,160
He's over there, sir.
274
00:16:08,460 --> 00:16:10,060
Mr Humphreys is a gentleman for you.
275
00:16:12,010 --> 00:16:13,970
Good morning, sir. Good morning. What's
it to be?
276
00:16:14,210 --> 00:16:15,830
Well, who knows, young man?
277
00:16:17,050 --> 00:16:19,550
Probably the happiest day of my life.
278
00:16:19,810 --> 00:16:20,810
I beg your pardon?
279
00:16:22,370 --> 00:16:26,070
I've come about the lady in the advert.
280
00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:27,610
Oh, yes.
281
00:16:28,490 --> 00:16:30,270
She's behind you on the lady's counter.
282
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:31,129
Oh, really?
283
00:16:31,130 --> 00:16:32,130
Oh, sorry.
284
00:16:32,610 --> 00:16:36,150
Which one? The one on the left or the
one on the right?
285
00:16:36,370 --> 00:16:39,330
The one on the left. On the left. Oh,
yes. Can you see?
286
00:16:39,610 --> 00:16:40,610
Yes, thank you.
287
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,200
Good morning.
288
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,240
You can cross him off for a start.
289
00:16:47,460 --> 00:16:53,060
Now, pass those tights down to me, Miss
Brahms. I'm going to shove them all into
290
00:16:53,060 --> 00:16:54,120
this bottom drawer.
291
00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:59,720
I could do that for you. No, I'm better
doing it. It takes me mind off other
292
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:00,720
things.
293
00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:06,940
Blimey, look what's arrived.
294
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:09,240
I should never have described her as
petite.
295
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:44,760
She's coming over.
296
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:49,000
I'll tell you another thing. I'm not
sitting next to her at the opera house.
297
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:50,180
Otherwise, I'm not going.
298
00:17:52,340 --> 00:17:54,860
How are you this morning, Mr. Humphreys?
299
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,120
Bright -eyed and bushy -tailed, Mrs.
Slocum.
300
00:17:58,080 --> 00:17:59,560
You've broken my dream.
301
00:18:00,620 --> 00:18:04,360
Last night, I dreamt that you were
Squirrel, not Kim.
302
00:18:06,700 --> 00:18:09,020
And I was a little lady squirrel.
303
00:18:15,950 --> 00:18:17,590
I'll get thatched in dandelion leaves.
304
00:18:18,610 --> 00:18:19,830
How did you guess?
305
00:18:20,150 --> 00:18:21,370
I never use anything else.
306
00:18:22,290 --> 00:18:29,010
Well, anyway, in my dream, I climbed up
the tree and I knocked on your little
307
00:18:29,010 --> 00:18:33,970
door. And you pretended you weren't in,
so I had to kick it down.
308
00:18:35,770 --> 00:18:39,730
And there you were, hiding behind your
acorn.
309
00:18:41,470 --> 00:18:43,350
What do you suppose that means?
310
00:18:43,710 --> 00:18:46,190
It means I've got to build it a damn
side tyre next year.
311
00:18:47,170 --> 00:18:52,750
Oh, I do love a man with a sense of
humour. I always say if a man can make
312
00:18:52,750 --> 00:18:54,550
laugh, everything else will follow.
313
00:18:54,810 --> 00:18:57,650
In my case, Mrs. Slocum, it may be a
very long way behind.
314
00:18:59,850 --> 00:19:02,110
I brought these for you.
315
00:19:02,710 --> 00:19:06,110
I thought they'd be lovely in front of a
little log fire.
316
00:19:06,650 --> 00:19:08,150
I haven't got a log fire.
317
00:19:08,710 --> 00:19:09,710
Oh, no.
318
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,560
Oh, I know where there's a lovely one.
319
00:19:18,460 --> 00:19:23,680
Mrs. Slocum, would you be good enough to
return to your own counter? Mr.
320
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:26,200
Humphreys is not here for idle chit
-chat.
321
00:19:26,420 --> 00:19:27,940
He's here to serve customers.
322
00:19:28,220 --> 00:19:34,760
In that case, I'll have a size 48
nightshirt.
323
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:37,000
Size 48? That's big enough for two.
324
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:39,160
Exactly.
325
00:19:44,460 --> 00:19:48,020
Yes, yes. Well, I appreciate that as
colleagues of Mrs. Slocum, you have been
326
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:51,840
trying to cover for her. But it's been
plain to me for some time that she's not
327
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:52,699
been herself.
328
00:19:52,700 --> 00:19:58,620
As witness, these letters of complaint
from customers, calling her a crabby old
329
00:19:58,620 --> 00:19:59,620
cow.
330
00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,040
And a tetchy old trout.
331
00:20:03,700 --> 00:20:05,260
And a miserable old bat.
332
00:20:06,300 --> 00:20:09,820
Captain Peacock, in all your experience,
have you ever known one of our
333
00:20:09,820 --> 00:20:11,400
employees to be described like that?
334
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:13,520
Not by a customer, sir.
335
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:21,160
Well, the reason for all this becomes
clear upon the discovery of these items.
336
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:30,360
Gin and... Gin
337
00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:34,820
and... Gin again.
338
00:20:35,460 --> 00:20:36,960
Now, where is she now?
339
00:20:37,700 --> 00:20:39,300
Perhaps she's still having lunch, sir.
340
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:42,120
Captain Peacock, she hasn't even been
into the canteen.
341
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:43,680
Enter.
342
00:20:45,060 --> 00:20:48,700
We found Mrs. Slocum, sir. She was in
the four -hour bar next door.
343
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:52,680
I think it temporarily slipped her mind
what the time was and where she worked.
344
00:20:56,020 --> 00:21:01,260
Mr. Rumble, I hope you're not labouring
under the misapprehension that I was in
345
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:02,260
there boozing.
346
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:06,620
I only popped in to buy a packet of
croissants.
347
00:21:10,250 --> 00:21:14,270
Malcolm, without doubting your word for
one moment, would you mind blowing into
348
00:21:14,270 --> 00:21:15,270
this bag?
349
00:21:15,910 --> 00:21:17,350
Certainly, Mr. Rumpole.
350
00:21:21,190 --> 00:21:26,670
And I must warn you that your whole
future at Grace Brothers may depend upon
351
00:21:26,670 --> 00:21:27,670
result.
352
00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:41,180
Only another hundred yards to go.
353
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:43,040
We've had it, Mr. Gray.
354
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:45,660
Oh, there we are.
355
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:50,660
I've got a surprise for you. You've been
doing it on your own for the last five
356
00:21:50,660 --> 00:21:54,180
minutes. You get used to that sort of
thing at my time of life.
357
00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:57,780
Come along. You should be feeling fit
and healthy now.
358
00:21:58,940 --> 00:22:01,740
Oh, come in.
359
00:22:03,870 --> 00:22:07,870
There's a bloke outside wants to sell
you a medical chair. A medical chair?
360
00:22:07,970 --> 00:22:08,970
What's that do?
361
00:22:08,990 --> 00:22:12,290
Well, it's electrically operated and it
sort of relaxes your limbs. Like, you
362
00:22:12,290 --> 00:22:14,230
sit in it, switch on it and it makes you
do this.
363
00:22:15,370 --> 00:22:17,810
I'd do that anyway. Tell him to go away.
364
00:22:18,030 --> 00:22:19,150
Go away.
365
00:22:20,270 --> 00:22:25,090
Mr Gray, the first floor say if you want
them to wait outside any longer, could
366
00:22:25,090 --> 00:22:26,370
they have coffee and sandwiches?
367
00:22:26,730 --> 00:22:27,990
Tell them to come in.
368
00:22:29,770 --> 00:22:33,870
After you, Miss Brown. Rumbo, get in
here immediately and bring that medical
369
00:22:33,870 --> 00:22:34,930
report with you.
370
00:22:36,510 --> 00:22:37,510
Well,
371
00:22:38,890 --> 00:22:39,890
get on with it.
372
00:22:40,050 --> 00:22:41,050
Yes, sir.
373
00:22:41,070 --> 00:22:42,070
As Mrs.
374
00:22:42,210 --> 00:22:46,270
Slocum's behaviour was so variant with
her normal character, we had the case
375
00:22:46,270 --> 00:22:47,650
examined by an eminent psychiatrist.
376
00:22:48,190 --> 00:22:52,970
And, well, sir, what in effect he said
is that Mrs. Slocum appears to have
377
00:22:52,970 --> 00:22:56,690
up a fantasy world for herself. And in
this world, she's...
378
00:22:56,910 --> 00:23:01,850
deluded herself that she's in love with
Mr Humphreys. Now, as Mr Humphreys has
379
00:23:01,850 --> 00:23:05,550
failed to respond, understandably...
Very understandably.
380
00:23:06,490 --> 00:23:10,850
Mrs Slocum is taken to the bottle. I
didn't need to pay a hundred quid to
381
00:23:10,850 --> 00:23:12,330
that. What's the cure?
382
00:23:12,830 --> 00:23:13,830
Well, sir...
383
00:23:13,930 --> 00:23:19,890
The psychiatrist says that in his
experience, when fantasy turns into
384
00:23:20,270 --> 00:23:21,650
it often fades away.
385
00:23:22,010 --> 00:23:26,670
Ah, in other words, if Mr Humphreys had
a go at her, she'd run a mile.
386
00:23:27,930 --> 00:23:28,809
Yes, sir.
387
00:23:28,810 --> 00:23:32,830
There's no problem then, is there, Mr
Humphreys? Well, I must confess, Mr
388
00:23:32,870 --> 00:23:34,050
I would find it very difficult.
389
00:23:34,430 --> 00:23:38,830
Well, just pretend she's that girl that
I get so excited about in Dallas.
390
00:23:39,070 --> 00:23:40,730
What's her name? Sue Allen.
391
00:23:40,930 --> 00:23:42,230
Oh, oh, me leg's gone.
392
00:23:43,580 --> 00:23:46,120
Thinking about Sue Allen wouldn't
necessarily help me.
393
00:23:46,580 --> 00:23:53,360
How about J .R.? Do you always go like
that when you think about J
394
00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:55,180
.R.? No, it's not him. It's that hat.
395
00:23:56,740 --> 00:24:02,220
Well, the fact remains that if Mr.
Humphreys could steel himself to, as it
396
00:24:02,300 --> 00:24:05,740
make a bold advance, the shock might
cure her.
397
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:10,000
As I'm sure none of us wants to lose
Mrs. Locke. Oh, no, we're all very fond
398
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,700
her. Because I'd have to find the right
place in the right moment.
399
00:24:13,020 --> 00:24:16,120
How about in the box at the ballet
tonight? You can pretend it's the
400
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:18,740
of the pictures and, you know, get in
there and wahey!
401
00:24:20,060 --> 00:24:23,040
It'll be better at Covent Garden because
the usherettes there don't have
402
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:26,020
torches, so you can get in there and
wahey.
403
00:24:26,780 --> 00:24:28,460
What ballet are you going to see?
404
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:29,880
The Nutcracker Suite.
405
00:24:34,940 --> 00:24:36,700
Come on, quick again.
406
00:24:37,020 --> 00:24:38,540
Be as quick as you can. We've missed the
beginning.
407
00:24:38,860 --> 00:24:42,720
Oh, I'm very sorry, Captain Peacock, but
I had to have another drink.
408
00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:46,560
I've got this awful dry feeling at the
back of my throat.
409
00:24:47,100 --> 00:24:49,660
I think it's the new perfume I'm
wearing.
410
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:53,540
When are the nutcrackers coming on?
411
00:24:54,340 --> 00:24:55,600
That's the big one at the end.
412
00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:58,460
Oh, she isn't all. I hadn't noticed her.
413
00:24:59,180 --> 00:25:02,120
No, I mean that ballet's in the second
half of the programme.
414
00:25:31,020 --> 00:25:31,940
Oh, look
415
00:25:31,940 --> 00:25:38,720
what's just
416
00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:39,980
come on. It's the anthem.
417
00:25:40,620 --> 00:25:43,660
Yes, that's Noblikov. He's very big in
Russia.
418
00:25:46,660 --> 00:25:48,260
He's pretty big there, too.
419
00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:55,680
Why is he twiddling her around like
that, making her dizzy?
420
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:57,380
That's called a pirouette.
421
00:26:01,330 --> 00:26:02,610
That's called an entrechat.
422
00:26:02,850 --> 00:26:03,850
What's that?
423
00:26:03,910 --> 00:26:04,910
Well, it's French.
424
00:26:05,070 --> 00:26:07,310
All the terms in ballet are in French.
425
00:26:07,630 --> 00:26:11,030
Entre, as in entre nous, means between.
426
00:26:11,570 --> 00:26:12,830
And what's the other bit?
427
00:26:13,250 --> 00:26:19,110
Well, C -H -A -T, pronounced chat,
means... Oh, I know what that means.
428
00:26:19,110 --> 00:26:20,110
French for pussy.
429
00:26:22,190 --> 00:26:25,290
When you see what he's doing to her, it
must mean something else.
430
00:26:26,270 --> 00:26:27,730
Shh, be quiet.
431
00:26:28,930 --> 00:26:30,850
Have they all forgotten the words? No.
432
00:26:31,210 --> 00:26:34,430
They don't have words in ballet, you
Eden Rebuck.
433
00:26:36,590 --> 00:26:39,050
Why's she wagging her finger at him like
that?
434
00:26:40,090 --> 00:26:41,610
She's rejecting his advances.
435
00:26:42,450 --> 00:26:44,990
She'd have to do a damn sight more than
that in Catford.
436
00:26:50,990 --> 00:26:52,670
This is the famous pas de deux.
437
00:26:54,630 --> 00:26:56,130
I know what pas de deux means.
438
00:26:56,570 --> 00:26:57,570
Father of twins.
439
00:27:05,550 --> 00:27:06,509
Mr. Humphreys.
440
00:27:06,510 --> 00:27:11,270
Mr. Humphreys. I don't want to spoil
your evening, but we set you next to
441
00:27:11,390 --> 00:27:12,390
Slocum for a purpose.
442
00:27:12,530 --> 00:27:13,790
You have spoiled my evening.
443
00:27:14,250 --> 00:27:15,270
What are you going to do?
444
00:27:15,710 --> 00:27:19,790
Act like the man of her dreams and give
her knee the tickle.
445
00:27:20,450 --> 00:27:21,450
How do you mean?
446
00:27:45,740 --> 00:27:46,860
Sorry, me mind was wandering.
447
00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:54,860
Nothing. We'll have to take it a stage
further.
448
00:27:55,500 --> 00:27:57,260
How do I take it a stage further?
449
00:27:57,640 --> 00:27:58,640
Like this.
450
00:28:03,540 --> 00:28:05,140
I can't do that to Mrs.
451
00:28:05,380 --> 00:28:08,440
Slocum. Well, take her hand and do this.
452
00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:10,280
Miss Brock!
453
00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:23,960
She hasn't been drinking in the box.
454
00:28:24,180 --> 00:28:25,920
No, out of it. Liqueur chocolate.
455
00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:30,900
Well, sir, it would seem that for the
moment your problems are over.
456
00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:33,200
On the contrary, Captain Peacock.
457
00:28:33,620 --> 00:28:34,620
They're just beginning.
458
00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:26,520
What's going on?
35826
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