All language subtitles for Are You Being Served s04e01 No Sale

More perfumeries, stationery and leather
goods. Wigs and haberdashery.

Kitchenware and food.

Nearly 8 .30,

ladies. You're supposed to be finished
on the floor by now. We're not used to

coming to work this early. My old man
had a fit with his liquor. Had to get

own breakfast.

It's ridiculous opening the shop at this
hour. Who wants to go shopping at our

party? in the morning.

One has to experiment. That's why we
built the Concord.

Hear that, Ethel? He'll have us coming
to work on the Concord next.

Good morning, Captain Peacock. Good
morning, Mr. Rumble.

What have you got there?

A cup of coffee and what was described
at Fred's Caf as a bacon butty.

I thought Mrs. Peacock always got your
breakfast.

Not at 0600 hours.

I tried to wake her up.

She turned over and murmured something
which sounded remarkably like get

knotted.

Still, I'm sure the early start will pay
dividends.

Actually, we've got a customer already.

Can I help you, sir?

Don't keep daft. It's me.

My dad gave us the lift in on the back
of his motorbike.

We picked up Mrs. Flocombe on the way.

They're rather dangerous, three of you
on a motorcycle.

She was in the side.

Time for what?

There won't be any customers, you know.
And what is doing to my domestic

arrangements? Having a bath at six o
'clock in the morning played havoc with

pussy.

And he sleeps in the airing cupboard.

The gurgling of the tank woke him up.

Mr. Granger, reliable as ever.

I had a most unpleasant experience.

Mrs. Granger hit me over the head with a
bottle of business.

Didn't your wife want to cook your
breakfast either?

Apparently, when I woke her up, she was
dreaming that she was on Errol Flynn's

yacht. Oh, she's girlfriend?

No, no, it was much more complicated
than that. She was Errol Flynn.

I shall have to sort it all out when I
get home.

Ah, well.

Only Mr Humphreys and Mr Lucas to come.

Yes, well, Mr Humphreys may be a little
late. He was going away for the weekend,

I believe.

Oh, well, I hope we'll all continue to
make a special effort to get here on

time, because I'm sure that the sales
figures resulting from the early opening

will fully justify my faith in the new
system.

I'm not joining up. It was the only way
I could get from Newcastle upon Tyne at

four o 'clock in the morning.

People are very kind to the services,
you know.

You were lucky to get away with it.

You know, you should have the name of
your ship on your hatband.

If the naval police had spotted that,
you'd have got into trouble. I'd have

into worse trouble if they'd seen what
was on before.

What was that?

Kiss me quick.

umbrella was peculiar.

Oh, yes, but when they questioned it, I
said it was to keep my hair dry in the

fair isle.

You know, I'm surprised you didn't wear
the whole uniform.

Oh, well, I used to, but people kept
wanting to touch me collar for luck.

I bet you met a lot of nice girls that
way.

I did.

Not to mention a roving reporter, a
trendy bishop, a string vestite, and a

dustman with a very interesting tale to
tell.

Mrs. Slocum, uncover your bust, please.

Your counter -bust, Mrs. Slocum. We're
open for business.

Yes, of course.

Captain Peacock, I don't want to be a
tell -tale, but our Mr.

Lucas is not in yet.

Isn't that correct, Mr.

Humphreys? Yes, that's correct, Mr.
Granger.

I don't know the situation, but you did
right to bring it to my attention.

I just hope he has a good excuse.

Good morning, Captain Peacock.

You know, you're never going to believe
this, but my poor old crippled mother

overslept this morning and she forgot to
wake me up.

Then I missed the bus, so she had to
give me a lift in her invalid carriage.

I kept telling her to put her foot down,
a good one, that is, and then the

police stopped her for speeding and they
gave her a breathalyser.

Well, now, unfortunately, she only had
time to cook my breakfast this morning

and all she had was a quick liqueur
chocolate on the way out.

It was still on her breath when she blew
up the bag, you see.

And by the time I'd been to Bow Street
and bailed her out, well, I was very

nearly late.

You are late, Mr Lucas.

That's because I met young Mr Grace on
the ground floor. Ah, good morning, Mr

Lucas, he said.

How clever of you to get here on time.
Well, by the time I told him I was very

nearly late, I was.

Well, go on, you can ask him.

But at least you could have shaved
before you left home. No, I've been

all morning, sir. And here's the
batteries, you see, they're getting a

My mother uses them during the week in
her death aid.

How did it sound?

Wonderful. Makes Doctor Who's adventures
seem quite normal.

And it's much better than the one about
you helping to deliver a baby for a

titled lady on a bicycle that had to
remain anonymous.

Ah, well, here we are at 8 .30 in the
morning. When's it all going to start,

then? When's the rush going to happen?

Well, to quote Mr Rumble, the creative
platform that this idea is built upon is

based on the premise that by opening
earlier, we shall catch customers on the

way to work.

Oh, we're likely to sell it this hour of
the morning on monkey nuts.

Well, if you ask me, people on their way
to work won't have time to buy

anything.

Good morning, sir. Are you being... Oh,
you're right.

Check, sir. On the dummy in the window,
£32.

Sorry, £38. Can I help you, sir?

That's it?

Check it.

There's a new line and very popular
indeed, you know. It's...

and 50 % man -made fibre, and then
you... Granger!

Not when I'm selling, Mr Humphreys. If
sold, Mr Granger, he's gone.

But I never told him these would ride up
with wear.

A glass of water for Mr Granger.

Good morning, sir.

Gloves. Size? Seasonable weather.

Large.

Color? Black.

One large black.

Fits. How much? Five thousand. I see
that you're interested in gloves, sir.

The gentleman is

interested in gloves, Mr. Moop.

It's all over, Mr. Crane.

No,

this is not Mr. Humphreys.

It's for you. It's a lady.

Well, there's no need to sound so
surprised.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Mother.

Yes, of course, I'm all right.

She came to stay with me last night,
found that I wasn't in bed.

Yes, dear.

Yes, well, I put my pyjamas on the
bolster so that you'd think it was me in

when you arrived.

Well, how did you know it wasn't?

Well, I don't sleep with Paddington Bear
any more.

His Wellingtons were so cool.

No, no, no, I've been hitchhiking
dressed as a sailor.

For a party.

Was it for a party the last time as
well?

Mother, now I am over 21.

Well over.

Yes, of course, I'm still your little
boy.

No, I haven't changed a bit.

Well, not much.

I can't help it if I'm popular, can I?

Oh, that reminds me. If a man rings up
with a Scottish accent, you're the

cleaner and you've never heard of me.

No, I don't owe him any money.

I don't owe him anything.

What do you mean there's someone coming
up the garden path in a kilt?

Lock the door and hide in the cupboard.

I'll phone you before I leave here.

Whatever you do, don't open the door
unless it's a young policeman carrying a

rolled umbrella.

And if I can borrow a helmet from the
toy department, that'll be me.

Well, take the phone into the cupboard
with you.

Bye.

It's all go at your place, isn't it?

It's only Monday.

This early morning opening seems to be
working. They've taken almost 40 quid

over there and that's before they've
unlocked the till.

That won't happen over here, Miss
Browns.

Shopping is an art, and women like to
take their time to assess the goods and

make a decision.

I mean, men just say something they want
and grab hold of it.

Did you notice?

Yes, I had. It happened to me in the pub
last night.

It didn't, did it?

There was this bloke in his open -neck
shirt and a hairy chest with big

and the pub was jam -packed, and I was
wearing... Just a minute.

How old was this man?

Oh, he must have been faulty if he was a
day.

Oh, quite young, really.

I was wearing my skin -tight jeans. You
know, those ones with the false patch

just there.

Blimey, he says, there's a stitch going.
Grabs old and won't let go.

Oh, just imagine.

Go on.

Well, I didn't want to shout and make a
fuss or anything. No, one doesn't, does

one? So what did you do? Well, I ordered
a large gin and tonic with a lot of

ice, put it on his bill and poured it
down the front of his trousers.

That set his hand off.

Dual somnantic.

Terrible liberties.

Where exactly is this?

Good morning, madam. Can I help you?

Hat. Ladies.

Hurry.

Where would madam like to be directed
first, the hats or the ladies?

No, no, ladies' hats.

Wedding. Counter, there.

Good morning, madam. Not a very nice
morning, is it?

Guest at a wedding.

10 .30.

Need a hat.

Oh, do hurry, please. I'm late.

A millinery occasion, Miss Bronze.

This is the last one of these. It was a
very exclusive line.

Oh, that dust suit, madam.

Oh, that dust suit, madam.

Oh, that dust suit.

Mrs. Slocum, your needle's stuck in the
groove.

I just can't make up my mind. How much
are they? They're all five pounds.

I take the lot.

Probably the 10 .30 bride.

Yes, very satisfactory.

Are you revering to the queen pudding,
sir?

No.

There's the remarkable jump in sales
figures this morning.

It's very gratifying when one plays a
hunch and it comes off.

Yes, sir. The sort of thing that made
Churchill great. The right decision

at the right time.

Turning defeat into victory.

It's an ability I put to very good use
in the war, you know, in the army.

There must be times when you miss the
catering course.

I must say the staff don't look too
happy.

I think we're all just getting over the
early start.

Still, they'll soon settle down.

How's your queen pudding?

It hasn't quite fulfilled its promise.

I don't know. It promised to be awful
and it's disgusting.

It's custard, it lacks definition.

It's more like distemper.

What is custard?

Well, real custard is made with new
-laid eggs, fresh, creamy milk, and

caster sugar.

This lot's made of edible starch,
colouring, flavouring, and monosonium

glutamate.

How do you know?

Well, the library was shut the other
day, so I read the packets in my pantry.

Well, it's no good, I'll just have... to
eat it. It's been such a long time

since breakfast.

I hope we don't go on with this early
morning experiment.

Yeah, well, the way I see it, they're
bound to. How do you arrive at that

hypothesis?

I beg your pardon?

I won't say that again.

My teeth are caught up with this.

Look at the sales we made in the first
half hour. I mean, we were a hundred

up this morning. Well, we weren't far
short.

Yeah. Well, I mean, if we go on like
this at the end of the day and we're up

that much, well, I mean, this early
morning start could become a way of

Well, if it does, I shall have to change
my milkman.

Well, this morning was the first time
I'd met him face to face and it was a

naughty experience.

I think he'd been to see one of those
films, you know, Confessions of a

If he hadn't had his ounce full of
raspberry yoghurt, I wouldn't have been

to tell the tale.

What did we take last Monday?

I don't know. What did we take last
Monday, Mr Granger?

Oh, don't ask me.

My memory is like a, like a, like a...
Like a sieve.

Thank you, Mr Lewis.

Well, all we've got to do is find out
what we did take last Monday and then

below it.

Oh, Jackie keeps all the figures in his
office.

Well, someone will have to have a peep.

Listen, someone will have to get him out
of his office.

And then while he's out, one of us can
nip in and nip through his files.

It's just the sort of thing that Bulldog
Drummond would have done when he was

trying to outwit Oscar Peterson.

You mean Carl Peterson.

Oscar Peterson plays the piano.

He didn't play the piano when Bulldog
Drummond was there.

What are you doing?

I'm making a dice out of this sugar
cube.

Now, listen, we'll throw it. Whoever
gets the smallest number does the deed.

isn't he good, Si?

Mr. Granger, you go first.

What is this?

I'll explain later. Now, just put the
sugar in the cup and shake it.

Listen, everything's fixed. Now, look,
you phone up Rumbled and get him out

and leave the rest to me.

Out and roger.

Would you connect me with Mr. Rumbled,
please?

Rumble here.

You don't know me.

I spotted you at the squash club last
night.

Oh, yes. What is the nature of your
inquiry?

You have terribly exciting knees.

Hold on. Have I got this right? You're
40 with a 21 -inch bust.

No, it's the other way round.

What's the other way round?

that, you know.

I'm coming to see you in your office.

Good heavens, are you in the building?

Yes, I'm in the restaurant.

More tea, dear?

No, hold on, hold on. You can't come
down here.

be in the Trades Descriptions Act.

Here he comes.

Well, go on, then.

All right.

Everything all right, sir?

Yes, yes, yes. I was just, uh, hunting
the customers.

One there, and one over there.

Good, I'll make a note of that. Carry
on, Captain Peacock.

Carry on, Captain Peacock.

I am carrying on, sir.

This is what I do.

What, all day?

All day.

I'll make a note of that as well.

Why haven't you answered it? Yes.

Well, I suddenly thought to myself,
perhaps it's a private call and Mr

won't want me to answer it, I thought.

Well, answer it now. Ask them if they're
21 with long blonde hair and a 40 -inch

bust. Are you 21 with long blonde hair
and a 40 -inch bust?

I'm 80 with short white hair and I
haven't any bust at all.

What was it? Last Monday, 3 .25.

What have we taken so far?

Well, I'm up to 1 .70 already.

And we're 1 .50.

It's already half past two. Well, any
suggestions?

Couldn't we close?

No, but you've given me an idea. We
could stop selling. Stop selling? How

you stop selling if people come in to
buy?

It's quite easy.

Put them off.

Well, that's easy.

Instead of pushing things, you do the
opposite. Come on.

Your assistant is attending to my wife.

She's buying an evening dress.

An evening dress?

About what price range?

95 pounds.

95... Excuse me.

Yes,

Mrs. Slocum? How's the sale going? Oh,
she looks lovely in it. If you sell it,

we're done.

Oh, she likes it.

I haven't seen it yet.

Do come...

Well, what do you think?

You're paying for it.

You've got to wear it.

I think Madam looks quite enchanted.

It's a delightful garment.

I'm afraid Madam's husband isn't quite
so sure.

And I'm inclined to agree with him.

Well, I didn't say I didn't like it. Oh,
no, no, no, no. You must speak your

mind. I think Madam carries it very
well.

Oh, thank you.

Well, what do you think about the
colour, sir?

Well, now you mention it, it is a bit
bold.

I think Madame can get away with a bold
colour.

Oh, she'll certainly be noticed.

May I inquire what the function is?

It's the firm's dance. Oh, you'll be the
belle of the ball.

And is sir the managing director?

No, I'm manager of accounts.

One has to be careful not to outshine
one's superior's wives at these dudes.

the other hand, a man is often judged by
his wife.

I mean, it doesn't fee to be too
flamboyant when you're handling the

money.

I'm not suggesting that the gentleman
has been dipping in the till.

Well, then how can he afford a dress
like that?

I've been very careful all my life.
Don't call paying £95 for a dress for

occasion careful.

But if madam is happy, then no price is
too great.

If not doing it for her, he's pandering
to his own ego, showing off in front of

the boys.

Hey, what? You're... My dear Henry, I'd
sooner have had a washing machine.

There you are, you see. And why aren't
you getting one? Because he can't show

off at a dance.

If you want a washing machine, I'll buy
you a washing machine.

I do want a washing machine.

Well, take off that stupid dress for a
start.

You look like a great big stuffed
turkey.

I said, she turned.

You've just ruined a perfectly good
marriage.

Just like Crossroads, isn't it?

Oh, Mr.

Grace, this is indeed an honour, sir.
Ah, well, I've been waiting for you.

Oh, checking the taking, sir.

The new scheme was going very well until
this afternoon, and then, for some

inexplicable reason, they dropped off.

What dropped off?

The takings. We're still £20 short on
last Monday's total.

Yes, well, I can't go back on my word.

If the figures don't improve, scheme's
off.

We've still got a little time to go,
sir. Yes, well, at the end of the day,

back here to my office and put the
figures here on my desk.

Excuse me, sir, this is not your office.
This is my office. This is my desk.

Oh, well, that's your wife, then.

I'd go to that.

Five minutes to go.

I don't think I could live through
another day like this.

I've lost eight pounds in commission.

I thought it was a bit cheeky of mine,
the way you told that Arab that you

thought they were Jewish umbrellas.

Mr Granger, Mr Humphreys, customer.

Blimey. If he wants anything more than
the shirt stud, shoot him. Leave him to

me.

Can I help you, sir? Thank you. I'd like
a raincoat.

Oh. We don't sell many of those these
days, sir. What do you want it for?

To keep out the rain.

Well, we haven't got any that'll keep
out the rain. We've got one or two that

might strain it for you.

If you really want to keep out the rain,
you ought to go to the yachting

department and get yourself an oil skin.

I do use an umbrella, and I'd like the
raincoat I saw in the window for 28

pounds. Ah, that range has been marked
up to 40.

Oh.

Oh, I see.

Sorry, I can't black.

That's all right.

Well done, Mr Humphrey.

Look out.

Excuse me.

Why can't I have that one in the window
that's marked 28?

What size are you, sir? 40.

Ah, well, that's a 34, you see. That's
why it's going cheap.

I see.

Well done, Mr Lucas.

I don't believe it.

I suppose if they've all gone up, that's
all there is to it. I'll take one for

£40. Raincoat rail, Mr Lucas.

Oh, it's all right. Just wrap it up.
I'll take it. Oh, so you must try it on.

It's more than my job's worth to let you
leave the department without trying it

on. Here we are.

It's all right.

There.

Oh, just look at that terrible
stitching.

How could they let it out of the
workroom like that? You may well ask,

Lucas. Well, I have to ask, Mr.
Humphrey.

I mean, we have a sacred trust towards
our customers.

Look at that.

Uneven sleeves.

Well, I always have this trouble. My
arms are uneven.

I'm used to it, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, let's consider the cut. Well,
then, now, you can't wear that colour

that colour hair.

Well, of course, the gentleman could
change the colour of his hair.

I agree with you, but my wife insists I
wear clothes this colour. The gentleman

could change his wife.

Yeah, I tried to, but she didn't like
it.

No, it'll do fine.

Go on, wrap it up. Despite the fact it's
the wrong colour? And it isn't

waterproof? Yes, just wrap it up. And I
must say, I'm really most impressed with

your honesty.

One would think you didn't want to sell
me an overcoat.

And that's because you've got a fat
face, piggy eyes, and a pimple on your

You young salesmen just don't know how
not to sell clothes.

Mr. Ginger, are you free?

Yes, I'm free, Captain.

The customer has just complained to me
that you said he had a fat face, piggy

eyes, and a pimple on his nose.

Captain Peacock, am I the sort of man
who would tell a customer that he had a

fat face, piggy eyes and a pimple on his
nose?

No, of course not, Ernest.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.