All language subtitles for Are You Being Served s03e08 New Look

perfumery, stationery and leather goods,
sweets and haberdashery, kitchenware

and food going off.

First floor, telephones, gents' ready
-made suits, shirts, socks, tie pads,

underwear and shoes going off. Oh,
blimey, it's coming down in buckets out

there. Good Lord.

It's me shower cap. I couldn't find the
umbrella.

You didn't walk through the streets in
that, did you? Of course not. I came on

the bus.

I didn't want to get me hair wet. You
see, I had it in curlers last night,

for the wedding tomorrow.

The wedding?

Roger asked me last week.

That's a bit sudden, isn't it?

Shouldn't you try living together, to be
sure?

Yes, ma 'am.

Oh. Not more water.

Yeah, and it works and all.

Hey, look at that.

Boy, I... babbling brook.

That's all for clothes she took.

That's where I fell in love with you.

Don't tell me it's a model of a French
gent's portable loo.

No, it's not.

Get your foot off my pipe.

That's typical, isn't it? It's pouring
with rain outside, the customers come in

and it's still pouring with rain.

Whose stupid idea was that?

Good morning.

What do you think of my idea of having a
fountain in the department?

Brilliant, sir. Yes, I was just saying
so to Mr Humphreys, wasn't I? Yes, he

just said what a brilliant idea it is to
have a fountain in here.

Make people feel at home when they come
in out the rain.

I hope you're going to hide this
hosepipe, Mr Mash.

Oh, yes, certainly, Mr Rumble. And for
that very purpose, sir, I've got out the

Grace Brothers red carpet. You know, the
one we keep in case Her Majesty drops

in to buy Philip a new pair of Y
-fronts.

Much better.

Ooh, isn't it soft underfoot?

Must be lovely being a queen.

Here, don't... Don't keep doing that, Mr
Humphreys. It makes me want to go.

Well, don't go just yet, cos I've got to
put the goldfish in now.

Go on, my little red devils, get used to
going round. Go on. All we need is the

canteen cat now. It'll be just like
Longleat.

The White Hunter.

Good morning, Captain Peacock.

I must say, it's not like you to be
late.

It's not easy getting a taxi in the
rain.

No, especially when you come on the
tube.

I obviously did not come on the tube.
There was a breakdown.

I had to get a cab.

Ah, yes. Well, it's all right, Captain
Peacock. I accept your excuse.

Don't be insolent, Mr. Lucas.

I don't have to explain to anybody why
I'm late.

Why are you late, Captain Peacock? The
train broke down and he couldn't get

himself a taxi.

If I didn't ask you, Mr. Lucas, I'm sure
Captain Peacock has a far more original

excuse than that.

Have I alarmed not failed you, officer?

No, he hasn't. I just came in to remind
you that tonight is suggestion box

night. We're having a meeting, so if any
of you have any suggestions, bring them

along and they'll be welcome.

Well, I've got one. Why can't we hold
this meeting in the firm's time instead

our own?

That suggestion will not be welcome, Mr.
Lucas.

and bow on it.

I'm sorry I'm late, but I couldn't get
on the tube and I couldn't get a taxi.

You'll have to do better than that.

Sounds a very valid excuse to me.

In that case, it's mine and all.

It's a wonder I'm here at all, you know.

My pussy got soaking wet.

I had to dry it out in front of the fire
before I left.

Oh, heck, haven't we got enough water?

It's from gardening. They're trying to
shift them.

and sell them as fire sprinklers.

Whoa!

It's a goldfish.

Hup!

All we need now is a few chips.

They spawn on the fourth floor, you see,
and they're trying to get back there.

Unless they take the lift, they're not
going to make it.

Oh, I can't stand the sight of running
water.

It always makes me wet.

and it's gone to hide under that plastic
box.

Poor things.

Oh, it's no good. There's that fountain.

I can't hold on.

Where are you going, Mrs. Slocum? I
can't tell you now.

Well, it certainly does. I've got to go
as well.

Excuse me, Captain Peacock, could I be
excused? We can't have too many people

off the floor at once. You'll have to
wait.

But Mrs. Slocum's from the ladies'
department.

I was referring to Mr. Granger, who's
not here yet.

Do you mean to say I've got to wait till
Mr Granger arrives?

That is correct.

Well, what happens if he doesn't come in
at all? You'll have to use the

fountain.

It's just a matter of self -control.

Are you being turned?

No, I wondered if you could help me. You
see, I've had this trouble for...

Years, I... Thank you very much.

Hold on much longer.

I may be able to help you.

How do you mean?

Close your eyes.

What are you going to do?

Trust me.

Stick your fingers in your ears.

It's all right.

It's all right. It's gone now. You can
open them. How did you manage it? I just

put a bit of pressure on him.

So what happened?

Well, there I was, stranded in this pub.

And it was pouring with rain, so this
man offered me a lift in his car.

Did you accept?

Well, beggars can't be choosers.

And it's 15p on the bus, you know.

So I said, all right.

Did you know him?

Well, he'd sent a couple of port and
lemons down the bar and smiled.

So I felt I did.

What happened then?

Well, he held me off the stool.

And when we got outside, he held his
coat over me head.

Didn't he like the look of your face?

To keep me hair dry.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, when
we stopped, we weren't outside my house

at all.

Where were you? Outside his place, miles
away.

No. Yes.

Anyway, he said, would I like to go in
for a nightcap?

Well, it seemed harmless enough. It
wasn't until he actually produced one

nightie to match the story along.

Did you ask him to take you straight
home?

Yes.

Eventually.

Thank you very much, sir. Don't worry
about the sleeves. You'll find they'll

ride up with wear. Thank you very much.

Look, what I can't understand is how he
came to pick you as the best man. Oh,

I've known him for years.

We both tried to join the Royal Marines
together.

We were both turned down for the same
reason.

Slut feet.

I'm not going to get married for a bit.
I'm going to play the field.

My mother said that to me, so I joined a
rugby club.

I think these two are getting married
for quite the wrong reasons, you know. I

mean, it's so easy to get carried away
with beautiful blue eyes, perfect teeth,

Bridget Bardot mouth, long, blonde hair.

Oh, she sounds quite a dish.

That's Roger.

Good morning, Mr Granger.

Who predicted this idea with that
monstrosity?

Captain Peacock.

I might have guessed.

That's stupid if you ask me.

We didn't ask you, Mr Granger.

Good morning.

Or should it be afternoon?

I'm sorry I'm late.

Well, I hope you have a very good
excuse, which I'm waiting to hear.

My alarm failed to go off. You have a
very good excuse, Mr Granger.

Let me take your coat. Thank you, sir.
Well, I think we'll have this thing off

for a while.

You'll frighten a fish leaning over it
like that.

Told you so.

What did you turn it off for, anyway?

Well, it's not having quite the effect I
anticipated.

What's that, Mr Bass? Oh, it's this bay
unit for Mr Granger, sir. It should have

been in position before we started.

Well, I was busy with that fountain,
weren't I? I mean, that was your lousy

in the first place. It was not a lousy
idea.

Well, why did you turn it off, then?

Well, perhaps the fountain part isn't
quite right.

Well, take that away, and what have you
got, eh? A tub full of water stuck in

the middle of the floor?

Hardly called that a brilliant idea.

Mr. Mash, some Monday opposition here.

Oh, of course, Captain Peacock.

I'm sorry, sir.

Shall I get down on my hands and knees
and crawl over to Mr. Granger, shall I?

No, no, just get on with what you were
here to do.

Captain Peacock, would you stop chatting
with Mr. Mash?

I'm waiting for my display tool.

Coming, Mr. Granger. Coming, sir.

Right away, sir.

I'm sorry I can't stop chatting to you,
Stephen. I've got work to do.

One display unit, Mr Grazer.

Grace Brothers proudly present the cami
shirt.

I've been waiting for this.

Well, what is it?

It's a cami shirt to prevent excess rise
of shirt tail.

Absolutely invaluable if you're show
jumping.

And guaranteed to stop this happening.

I think this should boost our sales,
don't you, Mr Humphrey?

I don't know.

Either that or it'll knock the bottom
out of it.

Well, it's certainly going to attract
attention.

I thought we'd cured it of that, Mr
Granger. I'll get it fixed up.

I think you'd better.

Thank you, Mr Humphreys. Thank you.

Mr Mash?

Mrs Slocum?

Mr Mash, Captain Peacock has repeatedly
told you that you are not to be on the

floor after opening, and now I am adding
my voice to his.

Oh, yeah? Well, I've only got one thing
to say to you, Mrs Slocum. I don't want

to hear another word.

All right, then.

Mrs. Logan.

And after all, may I remind you that
this meeting is for our mutual benefit.

Any ideas that spring out of it that
increase sales mean increase commission.

I'm sorry, I'm late. I was trying to
find the aspirin.

Then I couldn't find the suggestion box.

Here, on the table, sir.

What idiot took it off the wall?

I did, sir.

That was a stupid thing to do.

Captain Peacock's request.

I thought it might save time, sir.

Well, it hasn't, has it?

Oh, for goodness sake, let's get on with
it.

Yes, well, now, may I remind you that
this meeting is for our mutual benefit.

Any ideas that spring out of it? I have
been through that, sir.

Oh, well, perhaps you'd like to open the
box. Or will you take the money?

Well, where's the key?

Isn't it in the lock?

I would hardly ask that if it were.

Well, where is it?

I just asked that.

Well, there's something in here.

It's probably the key.

He's dropped off to sleep again.

Wake him up.

There's no point in waking him up till
we've opened the box.

It's without the key.

I'll tell you what, we could take the
box down to the x -ray machine they've

in the shoe -fitting department.

And then they'd be able to see what's
inside the box.

I have a much better idea.

What's that?

Come in, the door's open.

It's under the mat.

Back to me. Give it here.

Oh,

well done, Miss Grant.

Blimey, I wouldn't like to have ridden
off to the Crusades leaving you behind.

You'd have been out of your chastity
belt before I got to Dover.

Don't worry, I'll be back into it as
soon as you've got home.

Captain Peacock, perhaps you'd like to
see what we've got.

Certainly, sir.

It appears to be a piece of pork pie.

I wondered what had happened.

This one is unsigned and suggests that
you do something physically impossible

with a suggestion.

Increased sales would be obtained if the
whole floor was devoted to menswear.

Signed, E. Granger.

I don't think I need comment.

This one is for Mrs. Slocum.

Dear sir, Sales in the ladies' section
could and would be improved by the

removal of the men's trousers and
underwear.

I totally disagree and protest most
strongly.

I think we must all accept that both the
ladies' and the gents' departments are

here to stay and that it's our job to
boost sales in both sections.

Is there anything else?

Yes, this one appears to be in verse.

If you're wanting to sell ladies'
knickers, here's a gimmick that's

with fun.

Get Miss Brahms to wear the very brief
pair and we all have a look at her one

by one.

It's unsigned, but in Mr. Lucas's
handwriting.

It's a forgery.

Some people's minds.

Then there's a bus ticket and a drawing
of a Toby jug with your name on it.

That's very good. That's a very good
likeness, that.

One of your best, Mr Granger.

I'll take it on with it, shall we? Now,
have we any suggestions as to how to

improve the image?

We could try making the ears a bit
bigger.

The image of grace, brother.

Lucas, this is a serious discussion.

You could have fooled me. We haven't
discussed anything yet.

Let's have the woman's point of view. I
wondered when you were going to get

round to asking me.

Well, I think the whole place looks like
it had come out of the ark.

It wants bringing up to date. I rather
favour the Bieber look.

The what look?

The great Gatsby. You know, ostrich
feathers, concealed lighting and

playing these foolish things.

A teething piano in the next department.

We could have those lovely big potted
plants. You know, the ones with the big

leaves. You mean palms?

That's right.

The feel of the 20s. I'm very fond of a
feel of the 20s.

What do you think?

Isn't that rather old -fashioned?

Well, let's take a vote on it. Hands up,
all those who like the sound of it.

Yes, well, I like the sound of it, too.
I'm rather surprised that you don't pick

on it. If you will allow me to finish my
sentence, sir, isn't that rather old

-fashioned look really quite a good
idea?

It just leaves Mr Granger dissenting.

He's not dissenting, he's scratching.

Oh, we could have those lovely 1920s
frocks with all feathers and beads.

Oh, that would be nice.

Only for the ladies, of course.

I don't think we could afford to go that
far.

But can't we have the potted palms?

I mean, they give the place so much
atmosphere.

I doubt if we could afford those.

I think the concealed lighting's a good
idea.

Yes, yes.

It does sound rather expensive.

We'll just have to see how far the
budget will stretch.

In that case, it's all down to a jar of
daffodils and a nightlight.

Couldn't we have the music? I mean, that
puts everybody in such a good mood.

Oh, well, that's if we could afford the
music, that is.

There's no problem over music. We can
simply play a record over the

system. I've been trying to remember the
tunes of that era.

What about Al Jolson?

You know, what was it?

I'd walk a million miles for one of your
smiles, my baby.

This would be very good for the shoe
department.

What about I'll see you again whenever
spring breaks through again?

Very good for bedding.

How about June is busting out all over
for the bra department?

If you can't say something sensible, I
suggest you leave your seniors to come

with the ideas.

I can mend your umbrella.

Pardon, Mr. Gray?

It's a song.

It's a

song.

Bing Crosby, I think.

We sell umbrellas, we don't repair them.

No, I know, but it would help to draw
attention to them. I think the

the music is intended to be background,
you see, and is not necessarily

pertinent to any particular article.

Yes, exactly.

And the records rather depend on what
they're trying to push in the music

department.

Well, knowing our music department,
it'll be Cavan O 'Connor and Revenal and

Webb.

I've listened to what's being said, and
I like what I've heard.

You know what always makes me buy things
in those big supermarkets?

It's when the plain music, and then the
music stops, and suddenly you hear,

bing! But I said, beaten trot!

But nobody would listen.

I mean a bell that goes bing, and then
you get a deep voice saying, frozen

foods, peas are down today.

It's a very good idea, that. I could
just see that now.

Bing! This is the ladies' department.

Knickers are down today.

They'll all get killed in the rush.

A one -track mind.

I think the idea has possibilities.

We could have a voice to draw attention
to lines on special offer. Oh, but I'm

not entirely sold on being.

I think something rather deeper, like
bong.

How about dog?

As long as we don't have a pong, and I
think that...

I'm not getting away from the point,
sir.

Yes, yes, I agree. The fact emerges that
my idea of a recorded voice to push a

line is a good one.

And I suggest that we need the right
sort of voice.

Oh, let's have that lovely Gordon
Unnicone. What reads the news on the

Oh, I like Richard Baker.

He's got lovely eyes.

Do you know, I take more notice of the
news when he reads it.

I don't think we could afford
professionals.

Perhaps one of the staff could do it.
Why not? Any volunteers?

It just needs a good, clear, commanding
voice.

We could probably arrange a small fee.

I'll do it. Mine isn't clearer than
yours.

As a matter of seniority, I think I
should be given the first opportunity.

What was that, Mr Granger?

Never mind.

His aspirins don't seem to be doing any
good at all. Perhaps you need an ice

pack. How about having a woman?

No, I think he's better to stick to the
aspirin.

I need a female voice to do the
announcement.

Yes, why not? After all, we women can
speak just as well as what you men can.

And I shall favor a more impartial
person.

Who are you thinking of? Me.

What about me?

And what about the two of us once more
as well?

Only mainly me.

If my mother was here, there'd be no
argument.

Tomorrow, I shall record all your voices
in my office, and we'll let young Mr.

Grace decide.

Well, can we go on, then? Yes, yes. He's
the most stimulating discussion.

Well, it hasn't stimulated him very
much, has it?

Oh, give him a prod somebody.

No, no, no, no, it might startle him.
Just chuck a sheet over him, then he'll

ready for the morning.

Are you free, Mr. Granger?

Yes, I'm free.

Oh, blow me up with a lark.

Good morning, Mr Mash.

It is a particularly crisp and clear
morning, is it not?

Aye, George, he's got it.

Around the rugged rocks, the rugged
rocks go round.

I'll bet you caught them and all, eh, Mr
Humphreys?

Good morning, Mr Mash.

You sound as if you've got a mouthful of
marbles, mate.

Well, I have.

My speech.

Oh, no.

What's up, then? I had four when I was
on the bus. I've only got three.

Mother, me, me.

Oh, no, brown cow.

I'm just practising my vowels, Mrs.
Clover. How about this?

I'm not a pheasant plucker. I'm a
pheasant plucker's mate.

You're punctual. I ran all the way from
the tube station.

Well, there was no need to do that.

Well, the awful man was following me.

Oh, you must have been imagining it. Why
should anyone follow you?

Well, I don't know. I mean, we were on
the train, and he was sitting there just

like you are, and I was strapped hanging
like this, and he followed me off the

train.

Yes, well, perhaps you weren't imagining
it after all.

Ah, Peacock, this is my new secretary,
Miss Thorpe.

I thought I couldn't quite place the
face.

Anyway, I'm sure you're going to be much
better than the last girl. She hadn't

got much up top.

Don't you agree, Peacock? No comparison
at all.

Quite, yes. Well, we're all ready for
the test, sir.

They're all waiting outside.

Oh, good.

Well, I've got the tape recorder here.
Who's first?

Me, sir.

Right, well, carry on. Perhaps you'd
like to hold up the microphone for

Peacock, Mr. Thorpe.

Boing, or bong, or whichever one of
those you prefer, sir.

Bing, I'm sorry, bong.

Welcome to Grace Brothers.

This is Captain Peacock speaking.

I won't use my name on the actual thing,
sir. That's just to identify me when

Mr. Grace hears it.

Get on with it.

What?

I can't hear you, sir.

I didn't want my voice on the tape.

Would you like me to stand nearer to the
microphone, sir? No, please.

Ready.

Is it on?

Yes, of course it's on.

It took two hours.

I wonder when they're going to pick.

Well, it's going home time soon.

Whoever it is, I hope they announce it
quick.

How much longer is Mr Humphrey going to
be tying on this morning suit?

I don't know, Mr Granger, but he made me
take his inside leg four times before

he was satisfied.

Ah, here he comes now.

cannot see the join at all.

Do you know, it's lucky it's a Saturday
wedding. I wouldn't have been able to

go.

Fancy you being a best man. Yes, it was
a surprise to me.

A lot of competition.

Don't get that suit too tired. We shall
expect him back on Monday.

You know, I think these sleeves are too
long.

Oh, don't worry. They'll ride up with
wear.

No need to lie to me. I work here.

Attention, everybody.

Mrs. Locum, Miss Brahms, Mr. Granger,
over here, please.

Mr. Lucas, Mr. Humphreys.

You should have changed into that after
the bell.

You're looking very smart this morning,
Mr. Humphreys.

You're not getting married, are you?

No,

I thought not.

Approved of the use of background music.

A suggestion made by Mrs. Slocum.

And of the use of a recorded voice to
push sales.

A suggestion also made by Mrs. Slocum.
Thank you, Mrs. Slocum. Yes, thank you,

Mrs. Slocum.

Now, I've listened to all the voices,
and you've all done very well.

Thank you, Mr. Price. Yes, it was a very
difficult decision, but in the end

there was only... one voice that I
really liked.

Goddard?

This is Mr. Grace speaking.

Welcome to Grace Brothers and the Feel
of the Twenties.

There's quality goods in store on every
single floor.

Well done, Mr. Grace. I like it. Yes,
gloves, socks, trousers, shirt, ties,

underwear, commas, gloves, flannel bars.

Most popular.

Do you think, Mr. Humphrey? Oh, I do,
Mr. Grant.

Suck it to it, Ginger.

Take me back to my bronze medal day.