All language subtitles for Are You Being Served s03e01 The Hand of Fate

I do not answer to ear, Mr. Maxwell.

All right, then.

Oi!

What is it, Mr Mash?

Did you put in an order for 27
galvanised buckets?

And what would I be doing in ladies'
department with 27 galvanised buckets?

This is ladies' department, not a
farmyard.

Well, you could be milking a jersey.

Mash.

Half of all the catching.

Sorry I can't salute you, sir.

Have you taken leave of your senses?

I am trying to ascertain, sir, who
ordered 27 galvanised buckets? Obviously

nobody on this floor.

Well, hardware denies all knowledge of
them.

I know.

I'll try musical instruments.

Mr.

Mares, please.

Sorry, Captain.

Say, oh!

We've had these for years.

I think they were a special offer for
the Jubilee.

It says here, as worn by Princess
Margaret Rose.

Oh, yes.

Oh, they were very popular.

Well, if they were so popular, how come
we've got so many left?

They were only popular with Princess
Margaret Rose.

Well, how much are they?

Oh, well, what does it say on the
ticket?

Two and eleven pence, three farming.

We can't put that.

Well, what's that in new money?

Well, we've had devaluation, inflation,
decimalisation, purchase tax, VAT,

or put unrepeatable at 40p.

And what about the Margaret Rose?

Put as worn by Princess Anne at
Badminton. You can't wear these to play

Badminton.

Oh, give over.

Are you being served, madam?

Yes. No, I'd like to try one of these
Princess Anne hats, please.

Oh, certainly, madam.

They have just come in. Oh, thank you.

Oh.

Oh.

Very becoming.

Isn't it, Miss Brown?

Yes. They're all wearing them for
badminton.

What, four pounds?

Oh, no, that's supposed to be four. It's
supposed to be...

fifty, but they've been reduced.

Quite reasonable according to today's
standards.

Yes, madam, we think so too.

So, Miss Brahms... The combinations are

shrunk, sir, but it is advisable to wash
them in lukewarm water.

Or better still, no water at all. My old
grandad used to send his combinations

to the dry cleaners, you know.

Well, I rinse mine in the bath.

And they let the wind dry them.

It's pure magic in your house.

There we are. Thank you very much. Good
morning, sir.

Thank you for your cutting, sir.

Can I help you, sir?

So... So... Can I help you, sir?

So.

So.

You want it by?

So. So.

Mr. Lucas, chop, chop.

I beg your pardon, Captain Peacock.
Forward, Mr. Lucas.

Credit card.

You, Mr.

Cato.

I, Peacock.

How do you do, Mr.

I, Peacock? So.

So.

This, Honorable Mr.

Humphreys. Humphreys, so.

And this, Honorable Mr. Lucas.

Lucas, so.

No, no, Lucas.

Lucas. No, Lucas. You must understand,
Mr. Lucas.

that this gentleman is Japanese and he
has difficulty getting his tongue round

his eyes.

You know, I would have thought it was
just a matter of practice.

What does the customer require, Captain
Peacock?

I'll try to find out. Yes, of course.
You were out east, weren't you? Hmm.

What he wanted.

I beg your pardon?

I think the customer wishy raincoat, Mr.
Lucas.

Rumbold for Captain Peacock. Doesn't
sound like Mr. Rumbold.

I'm Mr. Rumbold's new temporary
secretary.

Mr. Rumbold would like to see Captain
Peacock in his office.

In that case, I shall acquaint Captain
Peacock with Mr. Rumbold's wishes.

Oh, you're very obliging. Only to a
point.

Captain Peacock, Mr. Rumbold's office.
Chop, chop.

What was the last thing I said? Would I
please get them off?

I beg your pardon?

The letters.

You wanted me to catch the post.

Oh, yes. No. What I meant was, what was
the last thing I said in the memo to

young Mr. Grace?

I am both flattered and honoured that
you are considering me

for the vacant paste on the beard of
doctors.

vacant post on the board of directors.

Sorry, my shorthand.

Of course, I would readily accept, if
selected, signed yours cruelly.

Yours truly.

I'm sorry.

Yes, well, that will be all.

Try to be a bit more accurate, Miss
Ainsworth.

Yes, Mr Rumble.

I want that to go off tonight. I don't
want any correspondence delayed the way

it was yesterday.

Of course not, Mr Rumble.

You have to be very firm with these
girls these days, you know.

You seem to be getting results.

Well, sit down, Peacock. Thank you, sir.

Now, as you've probably heard...
Peacock.

Yes? Yes. As you've probably heard, Mr.
Theobald is retiring from the Board of

Directors due to continued ill health.

Yes. Two bottles a day, I believe.

Well, that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, they've been preparing a short
list of suitable people with the

necessary qualifications and
requirements, which are, of course,

experience, integrity, etc.

And I thought it right, only right, that
you should be the first to know. And so

that's why I sent for you.

Well, of course, it doesn't come as a
complete surprise to me, sir.

And I need hardly add that I'm both
flattered and honoured, and if selected

the post, would readily accept.

Captain Peacock...

I feel I should explain that I'm the one
who's being considered. And if I do get

the job, I was intending to recommend
that you should take over here.

I see.

Well, you don't seem too pleased about
it.

Well, I'm not at all sure that a
clerical job is right up my street.

I do so enjoy having the friendly,
personal contacts with people.

And, um...

On the other hand, I'm not sure that I
will entirely lose it.

£17 .50, sir. There's your receipt and
your credit card.

So... Oh, my word.

Breathe? You've got a cross on your fate
line.

Breathe? Plus.

Plus on fate line.

Me really handy -pandy.

Cross means accident.

Accident? Yes. Cross means crash.

Clash means class.

Yes. Something like that.

Me no need class.

Me got credit card.

Yes.

Go home. Go home.

Sayonara. So.

Yes. Quanto le gustos.

What's all that? rubbish about a cross
on his fate line.

Well, there are certain times when I see
things.

Oh, you'd be like a fortune teller. Oh,
yes, and I'm not usually wrong.

Shall I give him a hand?

No. He'll be in haberdashery by now. Let
them deal with it.

I think I'm going to go and check.

I'm not sure anybody is. Well, I warned
him.

You warned him about what?

He saw it in his hand.

Saw what in his hand? Well, I saw an
accident in his hand and I told him. You

never. He did. I heard him. I didn't
know you could read hands.

No, it runs in the family.

My father noticed something funny about
me when I was six.

I've got to be in the mood.

Well, you was in the mood when you
rolled in that Chinaman thing.

He was Japanese.

Same thing.

Anyway, the vibrations have got to be
right. I'll try over lunch.

Here. That nip that fell down the stairs
has got his head wedged in one of my

buckets.

Poor man.

And so far from home.

I hope he's got an account because him
and the bucket's on the way to the

hospital and he wouldn't pay cash.

the coffee?

There's only one spoon.

Don't worry, I'll use my finger. Remind
her to don't melt your nail varnish.

I prefer to use my pencil.

The taste of the wood takes my mind off
the coffee.

Come on, can we do it now?

Well, don't rush me. I'm trying to take
the taste away of this cottage pie.

How did it start?

I think it's yesterday's Lancashire hot
pot.

When you first found out you had this
gift?

Well, I used to have these funny turns,
you see.

When I was about 15, I had the sensation
of floating out of me body and looking

down at meself lying in bed in me
pyjamas.

What were you doing?

Oh, nothing. I was just lying there.

Oh, isn't it creepy?

Of course, I've learnt to do it at will
since then. I can pop out of me body

whenever I like.

Oh, I wish I could.

If I had a body like hers, I wouldn't
come back.

Just a joke.

Just a joke, Mrs. Slocum. When I first
joined Greek Brothers, juniors weren't

allowed to sit with Athenians.

You are.

Well, lots of people leave their bodies
at night, but they don't remember it.

I have dreams like that. Quite often I
dream I'm flying around in the air with

no clothes on.

and all my friends are looking up at me,
and I wake up and I'm blushing all

over. You don't want to be embarrassed
by that.

Well, it's humiliating.

Well, try flying on your back.

I often dream that I'm wandering about
the house looking for something.

Do you find it?

It fortunately is.

Last night on the way back, I fell over
the cat.

You know, animals are very sightly.

I mean, the least sign of danger, and my
pussy's hair stands on end like this.

Really?

It's better than a burger alarm, isn't
it?

Go on, then. It'll be going back time
soon. See if you can see anything.

Right. Oh, you have a very pronounced
Mount of Venus.

Mr. Lucas, one soccer amount from...
you, I go straight to Captain Peacock.

He's never said a word.

Your heart rules your head.

Now, let me see. How many affairs have
you had?

Oh, yes.

One, two.

Oh, that's a big one.

I don't think we want to go into the
past.

What about the future?

Well, you have a very long lifeline.

You'll live well past middle age.

Now, that's the present she wants to
know about the future.

clear. What is?

Well, I can see a man at your feet.

He's tall and distinguished.

Who is it?

I can't see. He won't turn round.

You can pop out of your body and go
round and have a look.

What's he doing? Well, all I can tell
you is that he's lying at your feet.

Would you believe it?

I said he was never too late.

I didn't know that Mr Humphrey was a
palmist.

Oh, yeah. Not only that, he can pop out
of his pyjamas whenever he feels like

it.

that I thought only I knew about.

There must have been somebody else
there, surely.

Captain Peacock, why don't you let Mr
Humphreys have a look at your hand?

Oh, no, I don't believe in that sort of
thing. Oh, go on, Captain Peacock,

unless, of course, you've got some
terrible secret what you want kept

Oh, very well, then.

But I... I only have a moment.

Oh,

well, look at that.

Born to lead.

Look at that prominent forefinger.

A very ambitious hand.

Oh, and such a long lifeline.

Look, it goes right round here, splits
itself into two and shoots right up his

sleeve.

What does that mean?

He's going to die of old age in a
railway tunnel.

Such a lot of lines.

Your head rules your heart. It's big
enough.

I can see an opportunity.

Really? Something to do with your job.

Go on. Well, I see you, as it were,
climbing a ladder.

And then a door opens and you find
yourself wearing a new hat.

Remarkable. Am I right?

Well, I wasn't going to mention this,
but this morning I was informed that Mr.

Theobald might be leaving because of ill
health.

Two bottles a day, I'm told.

And I was told that I should stand by
to...

Take over Mr. Rumbold's position.

Well, that's it.

Climbing the ladder.

Well, certainly taking over from Mr.
Rumbold is the door opening.

Yeah, and he'll definitely have to have
a new hat because then he'll be allowed

to wear one of those stupid -looking
bowlers.

Quite remarkable.

Now, let me see the back of your left
hand.

Oh, yes.

What can you tell from that?

We'll lay it back from lunch.

Come on.

Are you free?

Yes, I'm free, Mr. Granger. I would like
a word with you.

Not you, Mr. Lucas.

This is for Mr.

Humphreys here alone.

What can I do for you, Mr. Granger?
Well, I wanted to say, Mr.

Humphreys, for the last few weeks, I've
been watching the way in which you've

been handling the customers.

Ah, well, I can explain that, Mr.
Granger. You see...

To say is that I've been very impressed
with your performance in Trousers. Oh,

thank you, Mr. Drake.

Well, the whole point is that if Captain
Peacock goes up, well, somebody else

has got to take over the position as
floor walker. Well, you are going to

recommend me.

Recommend you?

Certainly not.

I'm going to recommend me.

Well, what are we talking about, then?

Well, I am going to suggest to Captain
Peacock that you take over my position.

Do you think you could cope? Oh, I'm
sure I could, Mr. Granger, especially

your hand to guide me.

And do you... Do you think that Lucas is
capable of taking over from you?

With my hand to guide him?

Well, better consult him. Are you free,
Mr. Lucas?

Yes, you have just caught me at a free
moment, Mr. Umbridge.

Now, Mr. Lucas, if Mr. Rumbold takes
over from Mr.

Theobald, it's very likely that Captain
Peacock will take over from Mr. Rumbold,

in which case Mr. Granger may take over
from Captain Peacock.

Therefore, I shall take over Mr.
Granger's duties, which will leave my

vacant. Do you think you could cope with
it?

Wouldn't it be simpler if I took over
from Mr. Theobald?

It is a serious responsibility we are
discussing, Mr. Lucas. Oh, yes, I can

that, Mr. Granger.

I mean, after all, it means instead of
standing in the middle of the counter

here, Mr. Humphreys will have to stand
at the end of the counter there.

And instead of me standing at the end of
the counter here, I shall have to stand

in the middle of the counter there.

It's a very big responsibility, that,
Mr. Granger.

I don't really know if I'm ready to cope
with it.

Mind you, it's not as big a
responsibility for me standing here as

Humphreys standing over there.

I don't envy you, Mr. Humphreys. I'd be
a nervous wreck.

Have you finished, Mr. Wilkins?

Well, let me put it another way, Mr.
Granger. Do I get more money? Yes. I'll

it.

Very well, then I will confer with
Captain Peacock.

Oh, yes, that's it. Are you free,
Captain Peacock?

At the moment, Mrs. Slocum.

Well, it's like this.

Stephen, if you do take over from Mr
Rumble, that would leave your position

vacant, would it not?

That is true, yes. And I'm sure you will
take over, because with your military

background and your big forefinger,
you're born to lead.

Yes, I suppose advancement was
inevitable.

And I suppose it'll be up to you to
recommend someone to take your place.

No doubt it will.

Well, I think that it's time we had a
change of sex. on the floor.

I understand that you're recommending
Mr. Humphreys.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm recommending me.

You? A woman?

A woman floor walker?

Captain Peacock, women are equal to men
these days, you know. Not that equal.

Floor walking has always been a man's
job in this department.

I don't see why.

I mean, anybody can stand there with
their nose in the air looking stupid.

If that were all that were required,
Mrs. Slocum, I would recommend you

hesitation.

Maleshavianistic pig.

I will pretend you haven't said that.

I didn't want the job anyway.

Are you free, Mr. Granger?

Not at the moment, Mr. Humphreys. Oh,
only Captain Peacock's free.

Oh. Well, are you free, Mr. Humphreys?

Yes, I'm free, Mr. Granger.

Oh, well, would you mind taking over
this customer, please? Pleasure, Mr.

Granger. Right, thank you.

I've already taken his inside leg.

He's looking for something in Scottish
tweed with broad shoulders.

Well, we are.

Captain Peacock, are you free?

Just a moment, Mr. Granger.

I'm free now.

I'm delighted to hear of the possibility
of your promotion, Stephen.

Thank you, Ernest.

Well deserved.

Inevitable, I should have said.

We've known each other for many years,
Stephen.

You're one of my closest acquaintances,
Ernest. Oh, it's very nice of you to say

that.

I take it that you will be recommending
me?

In what capacity?

For your job, of course.

I rather doubt it.

Doubt it?

Why?

I think it needs a younger man to cope
with it. Cope?

Cope? Cope with what?

All you do is to stand there with your
nose in the air and say, are you free,

Mr. Granger?

I have to check all the bills and make
sure they're properly made out. Well,

damn fool can do that.

And is that the qualification you're
offering?

Captain Peacock, as soon as I have had
my tea, I shall bring it up in front of

Mr. Rumble.

I can't understand a word you're saying.

I think he wants to talk to you.

Well, who is it?

He sounds like a Japanese with his head
stuck in a bucket.

for practical jokes. Put the receiver
down. I think I can explain that, sir.

Don't even start, Mr. Lucas.

Now, let's get these complaints over
quickly, shall we? It is 5 .30.

To put it in a nutshell, Captain Peacock
doesn't fancy a lady floor walker.

No, we only have two lady floor walkers,
one in costumery, one in haberdashery.

Which one don't you fancy?

I don't fancy one in menswear.

Good Lord.

We've got one dressed as a man.

I'm specifically referring to Mrs.
Slocum.

Ah, oh, so that's the complaint.

Mrs. Slocum has been dressing as a man
and it doesn't attract you.

I think I agree.

Don't dress as a man anymore, Mrs.
Slocum.

Don't be daft. I haven't been dressing
as a man.

It's just that I don't want to be under
Mr. Granger on the floor.

There's no danger of that.

Captain Peacock seems to think that I'm
parted. I sometimes wonder if, sitting

in this office, I'm missing something.

Well, if there is a vacancy to be
filled, I don't see any reason why I

do it. After all, I have had 15 years'
experience. What vacancy are we talking

about?

Look, when Captain Peacock takes over
your job, we're going to have to have a

new floor walker. Captain Peacock, my
possible promotion was supposed to be a

secret. I only got the memo about it
yesterday.

No, Captain Peacock didn't tell us about
it. He saw it in his hand at lunch.

What were you doing with my memo in your
hand at lunch, Captain Peacock?

He didn't have the memo. I read the
lines in his hand.

You see, he's a palmist who can see into
the future.

And he saw Captain Peacock climb in a
ladder, a door opening, and him wearing

new hat. Which means you're getting Mr.

Theobald's job. He's getting yours,
which is why I'm applying for his.

But it's by no means certain that I am
getting Mr.

Theobald's job.

Well, let Gypsy Rose Humphreys reach
around. He'll tell you your future.

Very good.

May I?

No, not that one. That's the one you
were born with.

I was born with them both.

No, you see, the left one is what you
start out with. The right one is what

make of it and are the changes.

Now, let me see.

Oh!

Well, you've had a very unhappy
childhood.

His mother kept polishing his hair with
sandpaper.

Let's stick to the future, shall we?
Well, I can see a cross.

That's the crossroads in your career.

And I can see a T.

Say a bald.

No, it's a turning point in your life.

When's it going to happen?

Well, I can see leave.

In the autumn.

Well, it's the autumn now.

Yes? Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. I'll tell him, sir.

Young Mr.

Grace wants to see you on his way out to
the department.

That could be the news.

But we haven't had it up yet. Well,
look, sharp about it.

Come on, Mr. Lucas, quickly.

Hurry, hurry up.

You should have seen to this peacock.

Come along, Mrs. Slocum, get those boxes
away.

I am doing, only they go on the top
shelf in millinery, and I'm no good on

ladder.

Come along, Miss Browns. I'm not...

Rumbled. Yes, Mr. Grace.

A strange thing happened to me this
afternoon.

What was that, sir?

My tea bag broke.

I am sorry, Mr. Grace.

I'll speak to the catering manager. Oh,
no, no, no, no, no. I'm glad it broke.

Lily, the tea girl, read my tea leaves.

Oh, I hope it was good news, sir.

Well, it was more of a warning.

It said, beware of...

A bald -headed man with big ears.

So you're not getting the job.

Carry on, everybody.

You've all done very well.

Did you hear that? A fine fortune teller
you are.

Wasn't far wrong.

I mean, I mentioned the leaves, didn't
I? And that cup of tea could have been

the turning point. He didn't get the
job, did he? No, he's been turned down.

And what about Mrs.

Slocum with a man at her feet, an old
peacock going up a ladder with a door

opening and all that rubbish about him
being in a new hat? Well, I can't be

right all the time.

Come on, let's tell Peacock about
Rumble.

very good time for me to leave my body.