All language subtitles for Are You Being Served s01e01 Pilot

Downpour perfumery, stationery and
leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food going on.

Oh, is that the best you can

do, Miss Brown?

It's not my job, is it? I'll try again.

Oh, never mind. Come along.

Oh, Miss Brown, pull your skirt down.
That may be, but now that we're sharing

our department with gents' outfits, it
might pay us to be a little more

circumspect.

Oh,

blimey, women drivers.

That'll do, Mr. Mash. Instead of
standing there making your sarcastic

you could give us a hand.

Middle class cow.

Having trouble with Mrs. Slocum? Oh,
that woman's lip's gone to her head,

Oh, I hope not. If she burns her bra,
we'll have to call out the London Fire

Brigade.

Woman's department.

Whoever heard of a woman's department on
this floor?

It's been men's ever since I was a boy.
That Mrs Pankhurst really started

something. Well, what are you going to
do about it, Mr Humphreys? Well, as a

matter of fact, I was thinking of
chaining myself to the lift gates.

Kinky.

Here you are, then.

What's that?

Mr Knowles sent it up from display.

It's the new Beauty Bell point -of -sale
model.

Here, what's this? Look.

It's a common thing in my department.

You're just jealous because you can't do
it.

Oh, I don't know, though.

Hide it somewhere, Miss Brown.

I'm afraid you can't do that, Mrs.
Slocum.

Why not, Captain Peacock?

Because we now have the sole concession
for Beauty Bell. I'm not surprised.

And if you don't display it somewhere
prominent, you'll have trouble with the

buying department.

I see.

Sign somewhere prominent for it, Miss
Brown, and in the meantime, I'll just...

shove it under the counter.

Has anyone got a ladder?

Monty, is that the best you can do? It's
the nearest I've been to it all

morning.

Here they are. Give me a hand with this.

Look up all the way down. Do you want
heads or tails? Now, do be careful.

Careful, Mrs. Stoke might have to wait
six weeks for it. Well, when you get to

her age, what can you expect?

Mr. Lucas, put something on it.

It is a house rule, you know.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, Mr. Granger. I
thought it was all right if there was

inside. Yes, well, it's hardly
sufficient, is it?

I see what you mean.

Anyway, the upper part should be
obscured. I'm sorry, Mr. Granger.

How long have you been with Grace
Brothers, Mr. Luton? One month, Mr.

I'm still sort of feeling my way around,
as you might say.

Yes.

Cothold.

Oh, what about obscuring it? All right,
then lend us your knickers.

No, don't do that.

In any way, they wouldn't obscure
anything.

Oh, the lip dolls.

Hang on, back up.

Oh, it's a bug.

Oops.

Come on, dear, you're going on the
podium.

That's it, on there, that's right.

Oh, really, don't be so clumsy.

Thank you, Miss Brahms.

Isn't there something missing?

Oh, no, I think it looks quite
realistic, actually.

Oh, I see what you mean.

It must be in the lift.

Put the Shandor two -piece on it, Miss
Brown. Yes, Mrs. Gluck. Oh, and hurry up

with that head, Mr. Lucas. It's nearly
opening time. Call me a minute.

Mr. Lucas.

Oh, yes.

Oh, really?

That's better.

Oh, look what you've done to the nose.

Oh, you've ruined it.

No, I haven't. I haven't ruined it.

Well, I mean, they always look too
perfect, these models, anyway, don't

I mean, people do have crooked noses,
you know.

Somebody might come in one day with a
crooked nose, look at that dress and

I'll have that dress, it'll go with my
crooked nose.

think they would, Mr. Lucas.

I'm afraid I shall have to complain to
your superiors about this.

And in the meantime, Miss Brahms, oh
dear, take the head off that model over

there. Yeah, but it's not all his fault,
Mrs. Slocum. I did ask him to help me.

There'll have to be an inquiry.

Somebody will have to pay.

Well, I was only trying to help. Oh, and
look at the marks on the shoes. Oh,

well, I'll soon get that off. Oh,
really?

Hand me some of the cufflinks, will you,
Mr. Humphreys?

Plain gold or the glittery one?

No, no, gold is more dignified.

The glitter detracts from the shirt, and
it's the shirt we're trying to sell.

You're quite right, Mr. Granger. I never
thought of that. Don't rub too hard.

Gold isn't what it used to be. No, no,
it isn't. Nothing's what it used to be,

is it, Mr. Granger? No, indeed.

How do you find young Mr.

Lucas? Oh, he's very obliging.

Is he?

Well, I mean, he helps out and that sort
of thing.

Yes, but I think it's time that he
stopped helping out with the ladies and

returned to his own department.

Shall I tell him?

Yes. Say that I would like to have a
word with him.

Good morning, Mr. Lucas.

Oh, sir.

Am I to understand that you have
deserted gentlemen's ready -made in

the ladies?

Well, I'm just giving a helping answer.

Oh, well, I'm glad to see that the
arrival of the ladies in your territory

hasn't caused any bad blood.

Oh, no, not for me, Captain Peacock.

One wonders whether the arrival of
gentlemen's shoes, for instance, would

been greeted with the same enthusiasm.

Mr. Lucas is doing his best to make us
feel at home, Captain Peacock, which is

more than can be said for the rest of
the department.

Well, just a passing phase, Mrs. Slocum.

With your personality, I'm sure you
could charm the very birds off the

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Neither would I.

And, Lucas, while you're down there,
straighten those seams.

I hate to see crooked scenes.

Yes, Mr. Peacock.

Captain Peacock.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Slocum.

Captain Peacock told me to do it. I
mean, straighten them, I mean. Not

the dummies.

Creep in once, you'll... Yes, thank you.

I'm so...

Are you all right, Mrs. Slocum? Oh, that
Mr. Lucas just put his hands all over

Miss Dockins. Oh, dear.

I hope he didn't lather them.

No, no.

He has quite smooth hands, actually.

You wanted to see me, Mr. Granger?

Mr. Lucas, it isn't that we want to be
unfriendly to the ladies, but at the

time we don't want to be too outgoing in
our welcome.

Well, I was only trying to be helpful. I
mean, after all, they are human beings,

aren't they?

Yes, you may be right there, but see it
from our point of view.

That section has been part of the gents
ready -made for the last 25 years,

hasn't it, Mr. Humphreys? Yes, Mr.
Granger. Now we have 30 % less space,

could mean 30 % less sales, and possibly
30 % less salesmen.

Am I right, Mr. Humphrey? Quite right,
Mr. Granger. You have only been with us

very short time.

Am I right, Mr. Lucas? Quite right, Mr.
Granger.

Just watch it, that's all.

Don't take any notice of him. He won't
sack you. He's too soft -hearted.

He'll get Peacock to do it.

I mean, was that right, what he said,
about, you know, 30 % less sales?

Well, not in your case. I mean, you
couldn't have 30 % of nothing, could

It's not my fault, is it?

I mean, it's all this stupid seniority
thing.

I mean, the only chance I get a look in
to serve someone is when you're too busy

serving somebody else. Well, when you've
been here as long as I have, you'll get

first back.

By that time, I shan't hear what the
customer's asking for but the creaking

me joints.

Another remark like that and you could
lose the only friend you have.

Opening time.

Stand by for the stampede.

Tie, Mr. Lucas?

Yes, of course, Captain Peacock.
Anything in particular, sir?

Straighten your tie, Mr. Lucas.

Yes, sir.

One pencil is sufficient.

Yes,

Captain Peacock.

Shall I keep the HB all this special
soft?

If you were troubled to read the memo
from the accounts department, you would

know that they prefer ballpoints.

Correct, Mr. Humphrey?

Ballpoints, Captain Peacock.

Actually, I did have a ballpoint pen,
but I was always getting ticked off

because I kept getting blue streaks on
my white handkerchief, you see.

Possibly a retractable pen would solve
your problem.

Oh, that's very nice, sir.

You can get them from the station.

You've got a staff discount.

Yes, sir.

And by the way, how about that
handkerchief?

May I show you how we do it at Grace
Brothers?

We don't just take it from the laundry,
fold it and stuff it in.

Don't we?

No.

What do we do?

Oh, excuse me. Don't interrupt.

We place it so.

We then take it in the middle, like so.

We flute it so.

We bend over the bottom so.

And tuck it back so.

The effect is casual but smart.

Sets the pen off nicely, too.

Well, do it.

Ah, yes, yes.

Take it from the centre.

Or as near to the centre as you can get.

Flute it.

Flute it.

Bend over the bottom.

Bend over the bottom.

And tuck it.

Tuck it.

Good. That's much better.

Carry on.

What a bloody palaver.

You must admit, it does look rather
smart.

I suppose it does. Especially if it's on
cardboard.

How long did you say you've been with
this firm?

Ten years, is it? I mean, how'd you
manage to put up with it? You just have

smile and grit your teeth. This is the
second set I've had this year.

It's much better than where I was
before.

I was in tools, paint and hardware.

You meet a much nicer class of person at
Grace Brothers.

Not many of them, though, do you? Well,
he wants to buy a suit at nine o 'clock

in a Monday morning.

That's all it does.

Let me serve him. I didn't make any
commission last Friday. You sold that 38

long. I know, but the man brought it
back again. His wife didn't like it. It

didn't fit her. Go on, please, let me
have him.

It's Granger's first.

Well, he hasn't seen him.

I'm going to serve him. Well, don't mess
it up.

Good morning, sir. Are you being served?

No. Perhaps I could interest you, sir,
in overcoat, sir. This type of overcoat

here is ideal for our present inclement
weather that we're having, sir. Now, of

course, it looks like tweed, but in
fact, it has been macatexed, which means

that it is almost entirely waterproof.

What size are you, sir?

Well, as a matter of fact, I was looking
for the gents.

In that case, size doesn't really come
into it, does it?

Mr. Lucas.

Yes. If you'd allowed Mr.

Humphreys or myself to deal with that
customer, we might have made a sale.

did he want?

The gents. The gents what? The gents,
gents.

It must be raining again.

They always come in when it's raining.

Well, now, get behind your counter.

Because young Mr. Grace will be coming
in in a minute.

Who? Young Mr. Grace, the chairman.

Yes, he'll be coming in a minute. He
always comes in on the first Monday of

month. Yes, sir. Right.

And clear up that litter.

Clear that litter.

Hello. What's that?

Blue Cinema Club.

I shouldn't have thought a young, virile
gentleman like yourself needed that

sort of stimulation.

It's not mine. It fell out of Captain
Peacock's pocket. It didn't. Let me have

look.

Oh, member's signature.

Captain John Smith.

Captain John Smith.

That's him, all right.

I wondered why he bought that brown
raincoat in the sale.

I better give it to him.

That'll be the last thing you do.

What do you mean? Well, if he knows that
you know that he goes sitting in that

little cinema where there's no room for
your legs and they all have their macks

over their knees... How do you know what
it looks like?

My doctor sent me there for therapy.

Did it work?

That's none of your business.

Well, what are we going to do? We're
going to do nothing. You leave it there.

He'll see it. He's got eyes like a
Scandinavian mountain hawk. We'll

haven't seen it.

Now then, I don't want anybody to go to
coffee until young Mr. Grace, the

chairman, comes through on his way to
the executive suite. Of course not,

Captain Peacock.

I understand that Mr. Grace comes in on
every Monday morning of the first Monday

of the month, sir.

Quite right, Mr. Smith.

Lucas.

I am looking forward to seeing him, sir.

We're all looking forward to seeing him.

Do you remember how to flute yours?

Oh, yes, sir. Well, I'll just show you
once more.

Is that clear?

Casual but smart.

Just like a conjuring trick.

So carry on.

Hello, here he is. Who? Young Mr. Grace.

Young Mr.

Grace. Old Mr. Grace doesn't get about
very much these days. He runs in the

family, doesn't he?

Morning. Morning.

Morning. Good morning. Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

He's worth two million.

Two million?

He can't take it with him. The way he's
walking, he looks as though he's

carrying it on his back.

Good morning.

Your receipt is inside.

Thank you so much. Good morning.

Good morning.

Oh, Miss Brown. Yes.

I want you to pop over and ask Mr
Humphreys if he'd mind removing his

from this centre stand.

I want to put our strapless bras up
there. Yes, Mrs Slocum. And don't get

delayed by that, Mr Lucas.

No. Oh, and don't forget to mention all
these trousers.

Right.

Are you free, Mr Humphreys?

At the moment, yes.

Good. Mrs. Slocum asked me to ask you if
you wouldn't mind removing your shirts

from the centre display stand.

Remove my shirts? Whatever for? Well,
she wants to put her strapless bras

Oh, yes, and the trousers as well.

I'm sorry, my dear. That's more than my
job's worth. You'll have to take it up

with Mr. Granger.

They're his trousers anyway.

Thank you, Mr. Humphreys. You're so
obliging.

She's got a nerve.

What's the matter now? She wants to
remove my shirt and put a bra there

Yes, you all.

Don't worry about the sleeves, sir.
They'll ride up with wear.

If they don't, do bring them back, and
this is yours, sir.

Good day, sir.

Oh, are you being served, madam? No, I'm
Mrs. Slocum's assistant, Miss Brahms.

Oh, indeed.

Yes, she asked me to ask you if you'd
mind if Mr. Humphreys took the shirts

from the centre display.

Take the shirts down from the centre
display.

Yes, she wants to put her bras there.

Her bras what?

No, her bras.

Oh, yes, and there's the trousers as
well.

I beg your pardon?

Mr. Slocum didn't like to take down your
trousers without asking you.

I think that if Mrs. Slocum wants to
make any further inroads into my

department, she had better inform me
personally.

Right, well, I'll tell you I'll come
across then. On the contrary, she can

and see me.

Very well.

She did ask me first, Mr Granger, but of
course I sent her straight over to you.

You're quite right indeed.

I hope I did the right thing, Mr
Granger. You certainly did.

I hope I did the right thing, Mrs
Slocum. You did, Miss Barnes.

I'll soon sort him out.

He'll feel the rough edge of my tongue.

Yes, well, do be careful, Mrs Slocum.

Round two, Mrs. Slocum comes out of her
corner on her two flat feet.

Good morning, Mr. Granger.

Are you free?

Yes, I'm free. I understand there's been
a little misunderstanding regarding the

centre stand.

Not at all. That stand has been the
focal point of our sales display since

advent of Oxford bags, and it is going
to stay that way.

Oh, that isn't what I understood when I
agreed to share my department with you.

May I remind you?

I am not sharing with you. You are
sharing with me.

Well, what's the difference?

The difference, Mrs. Slocum, is that
you're not going to get that stand.

I see.

Well, I shall have to go over your head,
which won't be all that difficult.

Can I get you a glass of water, Mr.
Granger? A glass of water for Mr.

Let the cold tap run.

free, Captain Peacock?

At the moment, yes.

Well, it's like this, Captain Peacock.

When I agreed to move my department down
here, I understood that I was to have

proper display facilities.

Well, I've just asked, very politely,
asked Mr. Granger to accommodate me on

centre stand.

And he as good as told me to get
stuffed.

That doesn't sound like our Mr. Granger.
Oh, well, those weren't his exact

words, but that's what he implied.

Well, what do you expect me to do, Mrs.
Slocum?

Well, I thought that as you were in
command here, you'd tell him where he

off. Well, you must understand, Mrs.

Slocum... Oh, come now.

Betty.

Betty.

As I was saying, you must understand,
Mrs. Slocum, that Mr.

Granger has been here a very, very long
time.

Then it's time he went.

It's hardly your place to decide that.

Do you mean you're just going to stand
there and let him walk all over me?

I don't think there's much danger of
that.

What are you going to do?

I shall go and have a word with him and
hear his side of it. But I told you his

side of it.

You must leave this to me, Mrs. Slocum.

Very well, Captain Peacock.

What did he say?

Oh, he's as weak as water. Weak as water
he is.

Weak as water!

Anyway, he's taking it up. Oh, I bet you
twist him round your little finger.

Well, after all, he's only a man.

There, there, Mr Granger. Now, you
mustn't upset yourself.

We're right behind you, aren't we, Mr
Lucas? Oh, right up to the hilt. Thank

you, Mr Humphreys. Thank you, Mr Lucas.

It's been a pleasure, Mr Granger.

Now, it's coming over.

Don't give in. Oh, I won't.

Oh, yes, hello.

Son,

very quiet this morning, Mr. Granger.
Yes, very, very quiet. Very quiet

Mr. Lucas and I were just remarking how
quiet it was, weren't we, Mr. Lucas? Oh,

yes, very quiet, very quiet, yes, very,
very quiet, yes. I think things might

liven up in a minute or two, though.

If you're free, Mr. Granger, I'd like a
word.

Oh, yes, I think I'm free, yes, yes.

Take over, will you, Mr Humphreys?

I'm going to have a word with Captain
Peacock.

Would you like me to take over from you,
Mr Humphreys? No, get over there and

see if you can hear what they're saying.

I have just been having a word with Mrs
Slocum.

So have I.

A very difficult woman, Ernest. Yes,
most of them are.

Yes, I'm in a very awkward position, you
understand. I mean, I'm under fire from

both sides.

Well, look here, Stephen, you and I have
known each other for many years.

You know that I would do anything in my
power to smooth the way. Thank you,

Ernest. Short of giving her that stand.

You're not getting it.

We're not getting it.

I see.

Rumble's office.

Hello? Could I speak to Mr. Rumble's,
please?

Well, I'm sorry, Mrs. Loken, but I'm
afraid Mr.

Rumble's still with young Mr. Grace at
the moment.

Oh, hang on a second. I think he's just
leaving.

Morning. Morning.

Morning.

Well,

that was a short day, wasn't it?

I don't know he's put in ten minutes.

I think it's a toss -up between the bank
and the undertaker.

I'll build a stairway to Canada.

Come on, Sir Edmund. Come on, Sir
Edmund.

You've all done very well.

Does that mean we can all go home?

Mrs. Slocum.

Oh, thank you.

Mr. Rumbled, I'm sorry to trouble you,
but I have a rather serious complaint to

make. Ernie Rumbled, she's going over my
head. She's already been over mine.

Well, I've heard both sides of the story
and I appreciate your points about your

brasiers, Mrs. Slocum, but you must
realise that that stand has been the

point of Mr. Granger's trousers for the
last 25 years.

We must all pull together and make the
machine run smoothly.

Here, here.

Here, here. Here, here, too, but what
are we going to do about it?

Well, it's very difficult.

It's not at all easy for you, sir, being
Solomon, is it? No, indeed it isn't,

Captain. Nobody's cutting a baby in
half.

What baby?

That's what Solomon did, Mr. Rumbold.

Did he?

Whatever for?

No, no, no. As a matter of fact, he
didn't. Two women came unto Solomon with

same baby.

Both claiming it was theirs.

I don't think that's apropos, Captain
Peacock.

We are here to discuss Mrs.

Slocum displaying her underwear.

Furthermore, I don't happen to have a
baby. And if I did have a baby, it would

be nothing to do with whether I had my
underwear up or not.

No, Mr. Justice, you did have a baby.

I don't happen to be married at the
moment.

Well, it's not unheard of these days,
you know.

What's not unheard of?

Having a baby out of wedlock.

Look, what's me not having a baby got to
do with him not taking his trousers

down?

They've been at it for two hours in
there. I know. I wonder what's going to

happen. They're probably going to take
it to Vic Feather.

Here they come.

Mr Humphreys, if you're free.

Miss Bronze, gather round.

Mr. Lucas, are you free?

I'm free.

Come a little closer. We don't want the
customers to hear us. You'd have to

shout.

Ladies and gentlemen, and ladies, Mrs.
Slocum has referred the matter of the

centre display to Mr. Rumbold, who took
the view, I think quite rightly, that it

should continue under Mr. Granger's
command...

where he can continue to deploy his
shirts and trousers as he thinks fit.

Oh, well done, Mr. Granger. Thank you,
Mr. Humphreys. Well done, Mr. Humphreys.

Does that mean we can't have even one
bra up there? What do you think? It's a

man's world, isn't it?

Captain Peacock, now that I have, as it
were, won the day, I feel that in the

interests of interdepartmental
relations, I might see my way, perhaps,

him this slocum.

A small foot in my stand.

Shall we say one bra?

Why not? I mean, half a bra would be
better than no bra at all, wouldn't it?

Oh, that's too generous of you, Mr.
Granger.

Do you accept, Mrs. Lotham? Of course I
do, Captain Peacock. Well, then

everything's settled amicably.

Go for that.

I know the very thing.

Granger here.

Give me Mr.

Rumbled.