Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:14,013 --> 00:00:17,392
[applause]
2
00:00:17,475 --> 00:00:19,769
ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies
and gentlemen, please
3
00:00:17,475 --> 00:00:19,769
ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies
and gentlemen, please
4
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,897
welcome The Amazing Johnathon.
5
00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:25,942
[applause]
6
00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:25,942
[applause]
7
00:00:34,951 --> 00:00:36,327
Thank you very much.
8
00:00:34,951 --> 00:00:36,327
Thank you very much.
9
00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:49,007
Please, sit down, everyone.
10
00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:49,007
Please, sit down, everyone.
11
00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:55,096
Welcome to the Hudson Theater
and our Comedy Central special.
12
00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:55,096
Welcome to the Hudson Theater
and our Comedy Central special.
13
00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:56,306
That's TJ.
14
00:00:56,389 --> 00:01:03,396
He's an asshole.
15
00:00:56,389 --> 00:01:03,396
He's an asshole.
16
00:01:03,396 --> 00:01:04,898
I got tell you what
he just did to me,
17
00:01:04,981 --> 00:01:05,982
you're going to like this.
18
00:01:06,065 --> 00:01:07,942
So we like practical
jokes backstage.
19
00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:08,526
We've been doing them all
day long with the crew
20
00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:10,028
because they're cool.
21
00:01:10,111 --> 00:01:13,323
He just burned me so
good on a practical joke.
22
00:01:10,111 --> 00:01:13,323
He just burned me so
good on a practical joke.
23
00:01:13,406 --> 00:01:14,866
He's back there freaking out
a second ago about something.
24
00:01:14,949 --> 00:01:17,118
I'm like, TJ, what
is your problem?
25
00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:21,206
So he spins around to face
me and he's got his dick
26
00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:21,206
So he spins around to face
me and he's got his dick
27
00:01:21,289 --> 00:01:25,168
caught in the cap of a BIC pen.
28
00:01:21,289 --> 00:01:25,168
caught in the cap of a BIC pen.
29
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:25,960
I know, but wait.
30
00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:27,086
Wait, wait, wait.
31
00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:29,756
The joke's on me here
because it wasn't caught.
32
00:01:29,839 --> 00:01:32,842
There was plenty of
room, and I'm like, aw!
33
00:01:29,839 --> 00:01:32,842
There was plenty of
room, and I'm like, aw!
34
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,636
I can't believe I fell for that.
35
00:01:42,852 --> 00:01:45,855
Well, if you guys have seen
any of the other Comedy Central
36
00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,023
specials, then you know
my assistant psychic,
37
00:01:47,106 --> 00:01:51,027
Tanya, who on the
way to the theater
38
00:01:47,106 --> 00:01:51,027
Tanya, who on the
way to the theater
39
00:01:51,110 --> 00:01:53,530
just now was in a car accident.
40
00:01:53,613 --> 00:01:54,781
Nothing serious, unfortunately.
41
00:01:53,613 --> 00:01:54,781
Nothing serious, unfortunately.
42
00:01:57,617 --> 00:02:00,954
She swerved to avoid a
pine tree is her story,
43
00:01:57,617 --> 00:02:00,954
She swerved to avoid a
pine tree is her story,
44
00:02:01,037 --> 00:02:02,956
and then saw another
pine tree and swerved.
45
00:02:03,039 --> 00:02:04,541
And then another one, then
another one, and then the car
46
00:02:04,624 --> 00:02:06,209
rolled into a ditch.
47
00:02:04,624 --> 00:02:06,209
rolled into a ditch.
48
00:02:06,292 --> 00:02:09,420
As it turns out, it was
the air freshener hanging
49
00:02:09,504 --> 00:02:10,630
from her rear view mirror.
50
00:02:14,008 --> 00:02:15,134
Let's give her a
round of applause.
51
00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:17,971
Ladies and gentlemen,
Psychic Tanya!
52
00:02:18,054 --> 00:02:22,016
[applause, music playing]
53
00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:26,896
Yeah.
54
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:27,939
All right.
55
00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:36,197
Look who's in her
own little world.
56
00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:36,197
Look who's in her
own little world.
57
00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:40,118
Land the spacecraft.
58
00:02:42,912 --> 00:02:44,622
All right, welcome the Earth.
59
00:02:44,706 --> 00:02:45,415
You all right?
60
00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:46,374
No.
61
00:02:46,457 --> 00:02:47,375
I heard about your accident.
62
00:02:47,458 --> 00:02:48,376
Yeah.
63
00:02:47,458 --> 00:02:48,376
Yeah.
64
00:02:48,459 --> 00:02:49,168
I got hurt.
65
00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:50,169
I know, I know all about it.
66
00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:51,337
I heard.
-Yeah.
67
00:02:51,421 --> 00:02:52,088
Where did you get hurt?
68
00:02:52,171 --> 00:02:54,340
I got hurt there-- ow!
69
00:02:52,171 --> 00:02:54,340
I got hurt there-- ow!
70
00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:55,884
And there-- ow!
71
00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:56,926
And there-- ow!
72
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,219
Yeah.
73
00:02:58,303 --> 00:02:59,596
You want to try my shoulder
just for the hell of it, please.
74
00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:00,555
Yeah.
-Ow!
75
00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:00,555
Yeah.
-Ow!
76
00:03:00,638 --> 00:03:02,390
Yeah.
77
00:03:02,473 --> 00:03:04,100
You got a broken
finger, you idiot.
78
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:07,729
All right.
79
00:03:09,689 --> 00:03:10,607
Are you a doctor?
80
00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:12,275
No, I'm not.
81
00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:12,275
No, I'm not.
82
00:03:12,358 --> 00:03:12,692
I'm just not an idiot.
83
00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:13,526
[laughing]
84
00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:16,195
So, Tan-- eh.
85
00:03:16,279 --> 00:03:18,573
Tanya is going to pick our
volunteer from the audience,
86
00:03:16,279 --> 00:03:18,573
Tanya is going to pick our
volunteer from the audience,
87
00:03:18,656 --> 00:03:19,490
ladies and gentlemen.
-Gonna make it random.
88
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:21,618
Yeah, randomly.
She does it every night.
89
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:22,577
She does a great job.
90
00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:25,163
Whatever, however you
want to pick them.
91
00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:25,163
Whatever, however you
want to pick them.
92
00:03:25,246 --> 00:03:27,040
So if she picks
you, just come up.
93
00:03:27,123 --> 00:03:28,875
Don't give her any
grief or anything.
94
00:03:28,958 --> 00:03:29,459
She knows how to do it.
95
00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:31,628
All right?
96
00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:31,628
All right?
97
00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:32,962
I'm going to throw this out--
98
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:33,463
No, you're not going
to throw a brick.
99
00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:35,798
No.
100
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:38,134
Just go down there and
pick somebody, all right?
101
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:38,134
Just go down there and
pick somebody, all right?
102
00:03:38,217 --> 00:03:38,760
-It's not even real.
-It doesn't--
103
00:03:38,843 --> 00:03:40,470
[loud bang]
104
00:03:41,429 --> 00:03:43,514
[imitating flying noise]
105
00:03:41,429 --> 00:03:43,514
[imitating flying noise]
106
00:03:43,598 --> 00:03:45,475
OK, half the battle is over.
107
00:03:45,558 --> 00:03:47,268
She didn't fall down the stairs.
108
00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:47,685
[laughing]
109
00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:49,938
There he is!
110
00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:49,938
There he is!
111
00:03:50,021 --> 00:03:52,398
Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up!
112
00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:52,899
[applause]
113
00:03:52,982 --> 00:03:54,317
[music playing]
114
00:03:52,982 --> 00:03:54,317
[music playing]
115
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:55,818
Come on, it could be you!
116
00:04:00,406 --> 00:04:02,075
All right.
117
00:04:02,158 --> 00:04:02,825
Cool.
118
00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:03,618
Sexy!
119
00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:06,996
Yo, nutmeg.
120
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,457
Take a hike.
121
00:04:09,540 --> 00:04:12,835
I love you.
122
00:04:09,540 --> 00:04:12,835
I love you.
123
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:16,130
The wheel turns, but
the hamster's dead.
124
00:04:16,214 --> 00:04:17,173
Come on over here.
125
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:17,590
How you doing?
-Fine.
126
00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:19,342
Johnathan.
127
00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:19,342
Johnathan.
128
00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:20,051
John.
129
00:04:20,134 --> 00:04:20,969
No, Johnathan.
130
00:04:21,052 --> 00:04:21,678
Got it.
131
00:04:21,761 --> 00:04:22,679
And you are ?
132
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,013
John, OK.
133
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,013
John, OK.
134
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,181
I thought you were, like,
abbreviating my name.
135
00:04:25,264 --> 00:04:26,140
I hate that.
136
00:04:26,224 --> 00:04:28,559
It's like, all right,
that's two Johns.
137
00:04:28,643 --> 00:04:30,561
This'll be Mike so
there's no more confusion.
138
00:04:28,643 --> 00:04:30,561
This'll be Mike so
there's no more confusion.
139
00:04:30,645 --> 00:04:32,480
Mike, John.
140
00:04:32,563 --> 00:04:33,314
John, Mike.
141
00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:34,023
Got it.
142
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:34,816
Say, hi, Mike.
143
00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:35,984
Hey, Mike.
144
00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:36,859
(LIGHTER VOICE)
How you doing, Tony?
145
00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:38,111
(NORMAL VOICE) That was me.
146
00:04:38,194 --> 00:04:38,778
That's me.
147
00:04:38,861 --> 00:04:39,821
Yeah, I'm screwing around.
148
00:04:39,904 --> 00:04:41,114
That's ventriloquism.
149
00:04:41,197 --> 00:04:41,948
Yeah.
150
00:04:42,031 --> 00:04:42,699
I'm studying it.
151
00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:44,242
It's ventriloquism.
Watch.
152
00:04:44,325 --> 00:04:45,243
Look that way.
153
00:04:45,326 --> 00:04:46,452
Move your mouth but
don't say any words.
154
00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:47,328
Watch.
155
00:04:47,412 --> 00:04:48,538
(LIGHTER VOICE) I'm gay.
156
00:04:47,412 --> 00:04:48,538
(LIGHTER VOICE) I'm gay.
157
00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:52,125
[laughing]
158
00:04:53,668 --> 00:04:54,877
I'm having a blast
with this stuff.
159
00:04:53,668 --> 00:04:54,877
I'm having a blast
with this stuff.
160
00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:56,170
It's really fun.
161
00:04:56,254 --> 00:04:57,422
I'm not gay.
162
00:04:57,505 --> 00:04:59,132
I'm not saying I'm gay, I'm
just-- I threw it over to him.
163
00:04:59,215 --> 00:05:00,258
All right.
164
00:04:59,215 --> 00:05:00,258
All right.
165
00:05:00,341 --> 00:05:02,051
And he might not be gay,
and even if he was, so what?
166
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:02,719
All right.
167
00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:04,512
You're not, right?
-No.
168
00:05:04,595 --> 00:05:05,722
OK, because that
would be creepy.
169
00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:10,685
All right, now, you're
drinking a little red wine
170
00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:10,685
All right, now, you're
drinking a little red wine
171
00:05:10,768 --> 00:05:11,519
tonight, though, huh?
172
00:05:11,602 --> 00:05:12,729
What happened to
your shirt, man?
173
00:05:11,602 --> 00:05:12,729
What happened to
your shirt, man?
174
00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:14,897
Is that blood or
is that red wine?
175
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:15,565
I'm not going to do this to you.
176
00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:17,025
You got red on your shirt.
177
00:05:17,108 --> 00:05:17,775
Oh, yeah.
178
00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:19,360
Oh!
179
00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:19,360
Oh!
180
00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:20,528
Ah, I wasn't going to
do that to you, man.
181
00:05:20,611 --> 00:05:24,073
It's like heroin to a comedian
to get somebody on that.
182
00:05:20,611 --> 00:05:24,073
It's like heroin to a comedian
to get somebody on that.
183
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,533
Not that I've ever done heroin.
184
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:32,665
Now, uh, John and I--
185
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:32,665
Now, uh, John and I--
186
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:35,084
[applause]
187
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:35,668
We've never met before, right?
188
00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:37,587
No.
189
00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:37,587
No.
190
00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:38,880
So then you don't
actually know it's me,
191
00:05:38,963 --> 00:05:40,506
and I'm assuming it's you.
192
00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:41,257
Right.
193
00:05:41,340 --> 00:05:41,924
Right.
194
00:05:42,008 --> 00:05:43,217
We'll trust each other.
195
00:05:43,301 --> 00:05:47,555
So I need to borrow
from you a $20 bill.
196
00:05:47,638 --> 00:05:50,099
If you have $100, it's
funnier, but a $20 will work.
197
00:05:47,638 --> 00:05:50,099
If you have $100, it's
funnier, but a $20 will work.
198
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:52,018
So see if you have one.
199
00:05:52,101 --> 00:05:52,977
Check your wallet.
200
00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:53,686
Yeah, maybe you have
one in your wallet.
201
00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:55,980
Look.
202
00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:55,980
Look.
203
00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:57,273
Cool.
204
00:05:57,356 --> 00:05:58,941
All right.
205
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:00,401
Uh-huh.
206
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:00,401
Uh-huh.
207
00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:01,360
All right, cha-ching.
208
00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:02,904
Look at that, you
little bastard.
209
00:06:02,987 --> 00:06:04,906
You got all kinds
of money in there.
210
00:06:04,989 --> 00:06:07,075
I'll take the $20.
211
00:06:04,989 --> 00:06:07,075
I'll take the $20.
212
00:06:07,158 --> 00:06:08,743
Look at the $100s-- you've
got a stack in there.
213
00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:09,952
All right, I'll take the $20.
214
00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:11,120
I didn't mean to point that out.
215
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:12,371
He has a stack of $100s.
216
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:12,371
He has a stack of $100s.
217
00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:13,706
All right.
218
00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:16,125
No, because what if he's walking
outside after the show tonight.
219
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:19,462
Oh, there's John with $1,000
in his wallet, you know.
220
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:19,462
Oh, there's John with $1,000
in his wallet, you know.
221
00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:20,421
That's just what I saw.
222
00:06:20,505 --> 00:06:22,090
There could be more.
223
00:06:22,173 --> 00:06:27,345
And then it's like, bam,
you're dead and they're rich.
224
00:06:22,173 --> 00:06:27,345
And then it's like, bam,
you're dead and they're rich.
225
00:06:27,428 --> 00:06:30,098
How easy could that be?
226
00:06:27,428 --> 00:06:30,098
How easy could that be?
227
00:06:30,181 --> 00:06:32,266
Fat pocket on the right.
228
00:06:34,727 --> 00:06:35,853
Good luck.
229
00:06:35,937 --> 00:06:38,189
Now, you need to stay
on the trap door.
230
00:06:35,937 --> 00:06:38,189
Now, you need to stay
on the trap door.
231
00:06:38,272 --> 00:06:39,565
You're going to hit your
chin on the way down.
232
00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:44,487
Now, look.
233
00:06:44,570 --> 00:06:46,072
If this is going
to make you nervous
234
00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:47,615
that we're using
your $20 and I sense
235
00:06:47,698 --> 00:06:49,325
that it is, let's skip it.
236
00:06:47,698 --> 00:06:49,325
that it is, let's skip it.
237
00:06:49,408 --> 00:06:52,662
We have a lot of
other stuff to get to.
238
00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:55,748
Let's look at some of the
stuff you just bought for $20.
239
00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:55,748
Let's look at some of the
stuff you just bought for $20.
240
00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:00,044
First trick-- whoops.
241
00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:00,044
First trick-- whoops.
242
00:07:00,128 --> 00:07:01,671
The linking ring.
243
00:07:01,754 --> 00:07:03,005
I can link them together.
244
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:05,758
It's easy for a magician, and
I can also take them apart.
245
00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:06,717
But watch what happens when
someone from the audience
246
00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:06,717
But watch what happens when
someone from the audience
247
00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:08,469
tries.
248
00:07:08,553 --> 00:07:09,428
I need someone big and strong.
249
00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:10,888
Who wants to try it?
250
00:07:10,972 --> 00:07:11,514
You, you-- yes.
Anyone.
251
00:07:11,597 --> 00:07:13,057
I don't care who it is.
252
00:07:11,597 --> 00:07:13,057
I don't care who it is.
253
00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:15,017
Come up and try to pull
the bottom ring off.
254
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:17,854
Big and strong.
255
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:19,063
I'm kidding.
I'm just kidding.
256
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:19,063
I'm kidding.
I'm just kidding.
257
00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:20,106
I'm just kidding.
258
00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:21,607
Come on.
259
00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:22,525
Yeah, I'm kidding around.
260
00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:23,609
Just try it.
261
00:07:23,693 --> 00:07:26,028
Make sure that you try to
pull-- why, you bastard.
262
00:07:23,693 --> 00:07:26,028
Make sure that you try to
pull-- why, you bastard.
263
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:26,988
Give me that.
264
00:07:27,071 --> 00:07:27,989
You little dickhead.
265
00:07:28,072 --> 00:07:29,323
Come here, come here.
266
00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:30,408
Is your tongue pierced,
you little asshole?
267
00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:30,408
Is your tongue pierced,
you little asshole?
268
00:07:30,491 --> 00:07:31,701
Come here, come here.
269
00:07:31,784 --> 00:07:32,660
Gah!
270
00:07:32,743 --> 00:07:35,997
[groaning]
271
00:07:40,084 --> 00:07:43,421
I hate guys like that.
272
00:07:40,084 --> 00:07:43,421
I hate guys like that.
273
00:07:43,504 --> 00:07:45,923
Always trying to
screw up your show.
274
00:07:47,466 --> 00:07:49,677
Here's what we'll
do-- card tricks.
275
00:07:47,466 --> 00:07:49,677
Here's what we'll
do-- card tricks.
276
00:07:47,466 --> 00:07:49,677
Here's what we'll
do-- card tricks.
277
00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:50,887
It's my specialty.
278
00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:52,638
Examine that deck make
sure it's an ordinary deck.
279
00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:53,389
Yes or no.
280
00:07:53,472 --> 00:07:54,640
Look through it.
281
00:07:53,472 --> 00:07:54,640
Look through it.
282
00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:55,349
Is it?
283
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:56,517
Yeah, it's ordinary.
284
00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:57,727
Yeah, it is, isn't it?
285
00:07:57,810 --> 00:07:59,812
Shit, we can't use that.
286
00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:00,313
I don't know how
that got up there.
287
00:08:00,396 --> 00:08:00,897
We'll use this.
288
00:08:00,396 --> 00:08:00,897
We'll use this.
289
00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:02,440
Now, hold that.
290
00:08:02,523 --> 00:08:05,526
When I ask for it
back, make it snappy.
291
00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,445
[laughing]
292
00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,445
[laughing]
293
00:08:08,487 --> 00:08:10,531
OK, now.
294
00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:12,658
Ordinary deck--
this really-- yeah?
295
00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:12,658
Ordinary deck--
this really-- yeah?
296
00:08:12,742 --> 00:08:15,703
Then explain this.
297
00:08:15,786 --> 00:08:17,246
Yeah, ordinary, huh?
298
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:18,581
You can't do that
with an ordinary deck.
299
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:18,581
You can't do that
with an ordinary deck.
300
00:08:18,664 --> 00:08:21,709
You've got to put a string
through every single card
301
00:08:21,792 --> 00:08:22,418
to do that.
302
00:08:22,501 --> 00:08:23,669
It's a pain in the ass.
303
00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:25,213
It takes all night.
304
00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:25,213
It takes all night.
305
00:08:25,296 --> 00:08:26,797
Luckily, I don't sleep much.
306
00:08:31,677 --> 00:08:34,096
This was the ordinary deck.
307
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:35,473
Pick one and I'll
tell you what it is.
308
00:08:38,517 --> 00:08:39,227
Oh, I'm looking at them.
309
00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:40,353
Yeah, I'm looking right at them.
310
00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:44,148
It's all right.
311
00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:44,148
It's all right.
312
00:08:44,232 --> 00:08:45,483
We'll try it this way, but
it doesn't always work.
313
00:08:51,113 --> 00:08:51,822
See?
314
00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:57,620
Go ahead and put it back in
there-- anywhere you want.
315
00:08:57,703 --> 00:08:59,872
Somewhere in the middle,
though-- apparently.
316
00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,123
In the middle.
317
00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,123
In the middle.
318
00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:02,375
Put it back in the
middle of the deck.
319
00:09:02,458 --> 00:09:06,128
Put it-- put it in the
middle of the deck.
320
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:07,463
Good.
321
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:07,463
Good.
322
00:09:07,546 --> 00:09:10,758
Oh, gee, it'll be hard to
find the U-shaped card.
323
00:09:10,841 --> 00:09:14,136
Good.
324
00:09:10,841 --> 00:09:14,136
Good.
325
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:15,805
Not only will I cause
your card to rise
326
00:09:15,888 --> 00:09:18,599
back to the top of
the deck, I changed it
327
00:09:15,888 --> 00:09:18,599
back to the top of
the deck, I changed it
328
00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:19,433
to the two of hearts.
329
00:09:27,858 --> 00:09:30,236
You ever blow bubbles when
you were a little kid?
330
00:09:30,319 --> 00:09:30,778
Sure.
331
00:09:30,319 --> 00:09:30,778
Sure.
332
00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:31,237
He's back in town.
333
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:32,655
Hey, Bubbles!
334
00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:37,576
You remember this guy?
335
00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:37,576
You remember this guy?
336
00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:44,125
These reunions make me teary.
337
00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:48,337
$50 I pay that guy every night.
338
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:49,171
Ehh!
339
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:49,171
Ehh!
340
00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:51,799
It's worth every penny.
341
00:09:51,882 --> 00:09:54,719
Now, go ahead and pick one.
342
00:09:51,882 --> 00:09:54,719
Now, go ahead and pick one.
343
00:09:54,802 --> 00:09:57,763
It doesn't matter
which card you choose.
344
00:09:57,847 --> 00:09:58,681
All right.
345
00:09:58,764 --> 00:09:59,849
Ah, damn.
Give me it.
346
00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:00,766
You were close.
347
00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:00,766
You were close.
348
00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:02,310
Give me the card,
give me the card.
349
00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:03,978
Ah, shit, you were so close.
350
00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:10,985
All right, now-- what, are
you ticklish or something?
351
00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:10,985
All right, now-- what, are
you ticklish or something?
352
00:10:11,068 --> 00:10:12,028
Memorize that card
and don't forget it.
353
00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:15,114
Ever, ever!
354
00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:15,114
Ever, ever!
355
00:10:15,197 --> 00:10:16,824
Now, place it back in the deck.
356
00:10:25,916 --> 00:10:27,835
Look, look at my hair.
357
00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:30,421
Wait.
358
00:10:30,504 --> 00:10:31,422
(HIGHER VOICE) I'm Duckman!
359
00:10:34,091 --> 00:10:37,553
I'm Duckman!
360
00:10:34,091 --> 00:10:37,553
I'm Duckman!
361
00:10:37,636 --> 00:10:38,637
Hello, haven't seen
you in the pond.
362
00:10:42,391 --> 00:10:46,604
I'm Parakeet Man!
363
00:10:42,391 --> 00:10:46,604
I'm Parakeet Man!
364
00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:48,481
Parakeet Man.
365
00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:48,481
Parakeet Man.
366
00:10:48,564 --> 00:10:50,232
(NORMAL VOICE) OK, all right.
367
00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:52,818
What were we doing?
368
00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:53,569
I digress.
369
00:10:53,652 --> 00:10:56,197
Put the card back in anywhere.
370
00:10:53,652 --> 00:10:56,197
Put the card back in anywhere.
371
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:59,241
I will find your card.
372
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:05,247
Jack of diamonds?
373
00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:06,374
-No.
-No?
374
00:11:06,457 --> 00:11:07,666
That's not the jack of diamonds?
375
00:11:06,457 --> 00:11:07,666
That's not the jack of diamonds?
376
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:08,626
Well, yes.
377
00:11:08,709 --> 00:11:10,002
It is the jack of diamonds.
378
00:11:10,086 --> 00:11:12,421
Well, that's what
I said it was.
379
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:13,631
I didn't say it was your card.
380
00:11:13,714 --> 00:11:14,882
I'll find your card.
381
00:11:14,965 --> 00:11:17,426
I'm not a baboon.
382
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:18,636
I can probably do one though.
383
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:18,636
I can probably do one though.
384
00:11:22,264 --> 00:11:24,934
(LOWER VOICE) Yes,
yes, yes, yes yes.
385
00:11:22,264 --> 00:11:24,934
(LOWER VOICE) Yes,
yes, yes, yes yes.
386
00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:32,233
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius, they've
gone to the forbidden zone.
387
00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:32,233
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius, they've
gone to the forbidden zone.
388
00:11:32,316 --> 00:11:33,067
(NORMAL VOICE) That's good.
389
00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:34,610
All right.
390
00:11:34,693 --> 00:11:35,611
Now--
391
00:11:35,694 --> 00:11:38,906
[applause]
392
00:11:35,694 --> 00:11:38,906
[applause]
393
00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:47,957
No, no, no, no, no.
394
00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:47,957
No, no, no, no, no.
395
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:49,708
You didn't put it
in here, did you?
396
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:49,708
You didn't put it
in here, did you?
397
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:53,379
You're trying to fuck
with me, aren't you?
398
00:11:53,462 --> 00:11:56,215
Agh!
399
00:11:53,462 --> 00:11:56,215
Agh!
400
00:11:56,298 --> 00:11:58,300
I lost it.
401
00:11:58,384 --> 00:11:59,635
Was it the little one?
402
00:11:59,718 --> 00:12:00,803
That's it.
403
00:11:59,718 --> 00:12:00,803
That's it.
404
00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:03,264
Ah, I should have went
with my instincts on that!
405
00:12:03,347 --> 00:12:04,181
What was the little one?
406
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:05,141
You tell me.
407
00:12:05,224 --> 00:12:06,851
No, you tell me.
408
00:12:05,224 --> 00:12:06,851
No, you tell me.
409
00:12:06,934 --> 00:12:08,185
What was the little one?
410
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:09,937
Eight of spades.
411
00:12:10,020 --> 00:12:11,897
What a bizarre coincidence.
412
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:14,108
When I threw all the cards
down just now, some of them
413
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:14,108
When I threw all the cards
down just now, some of them
414
00:12:14,191 --> 00:12:15,234
landed face down.
415
00:12:15,317 --> 00:12:18,654
Turn over any one of the
thousand of face down cards
416
00:12:15,317 --> 00:12:18,654
Turn over any one of the
thousand of face down cards
417
00:12:18,737 --> 00:12:20,030
and watch what it is.
418
00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:21,282
You choose.
419
00:12:21,365 --> 00:12:23,617
Check this out.
420
00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:25,077
What was your card?
421
00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:25,077
What was your card?
422
00:12:25,161 --> 00:12:28,581
Eight of spades.
423
00:12:28,664 --> 00:12:31,125
You would have freaked out if
that was the eight of spades!
424
00:12:28,664 --> 00:12:31,125
You would have freaked out if
that was the eight of spades!
425
00:12:31,208 --> 00:12:34,128
Oh, that would
have been so cool!
426
00:12:34,211 --> 00:12:35,504
You would have freaked out, man.
427
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,214
And so would have
you freaked out.
428
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,214
And so would have
you freaked out.
429
00:12:37,298 --> 00:12:39,383
Shit, I would've freaked out.
430
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:40,843
That would be awesome.
431
00:12:40,926 --> 00:12:42,303
There's got to be
a way to do that.
432
00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:44,972
Ah, little yellow hanky.
433
00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:44,972
Ah, little yellow hanky.
434
00:12:45,055 --> 00:12:48,309
Watch.
435
00:12:48,392 --> 00:12:50,686
Examine it.
436
00:12:50,769 --> 00:12:52,062
Ordinary?
-Yeah.
437
00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:52,521
Good.
438
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,273
Make a fist.
439
00:12:54,356 --> 00:12:56,317
OK, put your feet
closer to the ground.
440
00:12:59,695 --> 00:13:02,656
Two fists, and raise that
one up a little lower.
441
00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:03,532
Good.
442
00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:03,532
Good.
443
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:07,870
Now, don't worry.
444
00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:09,872
Open up one of your
fists a little-- yeah,
445
00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:09,872
Open up one of your
fists a little-- yeah,
446
00:13:09,955 --> 00:13:13,125
just a little wider
than you're used to.
447
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:14,210
Good, good.
448
00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:14,835
Now, a little more.
449
00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:14,835
Now, a little more.
450
00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:16,253
I didn't know, I'm sorry.
451
00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:17,129
I didn't know.
452
00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:20,508
Hm-hmm!
453
00:13:20,591 --> 00:13:23,427
I'm pushing the silk
into one of your fists.
454
00:13:20,591 --> 00:13:23,427
I'm pushing the silk
into one of your fists.
455
00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:24,428
Random choice.
456
00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:26,096
I could have put it over
there, but I didn't.
457
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:30,142
I put it here to prove
to you it was random.
458
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:30,142
I put it here to prove
to you it was random.
459
00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:32,186
OK.
460
00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:33,437
Most magician's won't do that.
461
00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:33,437
Most magician's won't do that.
462
00:13:36,565 --> 00:13:38,817
Your fists are identical,
especially this one.
463
00:13:36,565 --> 00:13:38,817
Your fists are identical,
especially this one.
464
00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:42,738
All right, now,
I push this down.
465
00:13:42,821 --> 00:13:44,532
Close around it so
I can't get at it.
466
00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:45,241
Good, tight.
467
00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:45,241
Good, tight.
468
00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:46,492
There it is.
469
00:13:46,575 --> 00:13:48,869
You saw it go in
there-- no tricks.
470
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:50,079
Now, would it be
impressive if I could
471
00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:55,251
cause that to vanish from his
hand and reappears-- what?
472
00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:55,251
cause that to vanish from his
hand and reappears-- what?
473
00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:03,217
And reappears somewhere else?
474
00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:03,217
And reappears somewhere else?
475
00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:04,969
Where?
476
00:14:05,052 --> 00:14:09,265
The silver chalice on my table.
477
00:14:05,052 --> 00:14:09,265
The silver chalice on my table.
478
00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:09,807
Oh, that's funny?
479
00:14:09,890 --> 00:14:10,140
OK, you know what?
480
00:14:10,224 --> 00:14:11,850
Blow me.
481
00:14:11,934 --> 00:14:14,436
I'm not doing it.
482
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,146
You done laughing?
483
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,146
You done laughing?
484
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:18,607
Want to open that hand
and show them, please?
485
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:19,400
Open and show them.
486
00:14:19,483 --> 00:14:20,734
Oh, it's still there.
487
00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:22,403
Well, then that means
it didn't happen the way
488
00:14:22,486 --> 00:14:23,404
you just thought it did.
489
00:14:23,487 --> 00:14:27,616
No, no, no, no, no.
490
00:14:23,487 --> 00:14:27,616
No, no, no, no, no.
491
00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:33,455
Oh!
492
00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:33,455
Oh!
493
00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:36,834
Wait a minute-- oh, ha, ha, ha!
494
00:14:36,917 --> 00:14:38,127
Music please.
495
00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:39,169
Here, remote control.
496
00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:39,169
Here, remote control.
497
00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:39,503
Take it.
498
00:14:39,587 --> 00:14:39,962
Watch.
499
00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:46,510
You take that half.
I take this half.
500
00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:47,344
Press the button.
501
00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:55,936
There.
502
00:14:56,020 --> 00:15:00,274
Now-- that's our budget.
503
00:14:56,020 --> 00:15:00,274
Now-- that's our budget.
504
00:15:00,357 --> 00:15:03,902
Hey, hey!
505
00:15:00,357 --> 00:15:03,902
Hey, hey!
506
00:15:03,986 --> 00:15:04,695
Uh-oh!
507
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:16,081
It's the end of that one.
508
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:16,081
It's the end of that one.
509
00:15:16,165 --> 00:15:17,082
What do you want to do?
510
00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:25,549
Come here.
511
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:26,675
We're going to do a
cool little trick.
512
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:27,551
You're probably hungry.
513
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:27,551
You're probably hungry.
514
00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:28,385
Have some peanuts.
515
00:15:32,264 --> 00:15:32,514
Take it.
516
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:33,307
Open it.
517
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:33,307
Open it.
518
00:15:33,390 --> 00:15:35,017
Quickly.
519
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:37,686
You'll like these.
520
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:41,565
What the-- what are you doing?
521
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:41,565
What the-- what are you doing?
522
00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:44,026
They're peanuts.
523
00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:46,862
Look at the mess you're making!
524
00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:46,862
Look at the mess you're making!
525
00:15:46,945 --> 00:15:48,614
Nobody's up here to get you.
Come here.
526
00:15:48,697 --> 00:15:49,406
Relax.
527
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:53,535
Now, look.
528
00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:54,536
You didn't even try these.
529
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:55,371
They're really good.
530
00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:56,163
Have some.
531
00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:01,877
They're just peanuts.
532
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:02,753
What are you doing?
533
00:16:06,173 --> 00:16:08,634
[inaudible], the peanut
monster going to get you?
534
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:14,056
Hey, give me a $20.
535
00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:18,894
All right, we'll
use one of my own.
536
00:16:21,980 --> 00:16:23,065
Now, come over here.
537
00:16:23,148 --> 00:16:24,942
On the back of the $20
do you see the building?
538
00:16:25,025 --> 00:16:26,276
Do you know what
that building is?
539
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:27,111
-Yeah.
-What is it?
540
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:27,111
-Yeah.
-What is it?
541
00:16:27,194 --> 00:16:27,736
-The White House.
-The White House.
542
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:29,947
Thank God you knew that.
543
00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:32,408
I've just been in
Vegas during NASCAR.
544
00:16:32,491 --> 00:16:36,537
Every night I asked, I got
Graceland for the answer.
545
00:16:32,491 --> 00:16:36,537
Every night I asked, I got
Graceland for the answer.
546
00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:42,042
All right, now, ripping
the corner from your $20.
547
00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:42,042
All right, now, ripping
the corner from your $20.
548
00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:42,876
It's an illusion.
549
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:46,505
Yeah.
550
00:16:46,588 --> 00:16:47,548
Yeah.
551
00:16:47,631 --> 00:16:49,508
That's why I get the big bucks.
552
00:16:49,591 --> 00:16:51,593
It looks real, doesn't it?
553
00:16:49,591 --> 00:16:51,593
It looks real, doesn't it?
554
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:52,720
Well, it's more or
less a receipt for you
555
00:16:52,803 --> 00:16:55,431
in case you lose this.
556
00:16:55,514 --> 00:16:56,807
You can take the
corner to a bank.
557
00:16:55,514 --> 00:16:56,807
You can take the
corner to a bank.
558
00:16:56,890 --> 00:16:57,683
You explain what
happened, they'll tell
559
00:16:57,766 --> 00:17:00,310
you what you can do with this.
560
00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:02,646
But I need you to be
the safeguard of this.
561
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,690
You are the one-- the
only one that is allowed
562
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,690
You are the one-- the
only one that is allowed
563
00:17:04,773 --> 00:17:06,066
to touch that and keep it.
564
00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:07,943
In your top pocket,
if you would, please.
565
00:17:08,026 --> 00:17:08,777
All right.
566
00:17:08,026 --> 00:17:08,777
All right.
567
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:09,862
Put it in your shirt pocket.
568
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:13,407
Oh, man.
569
00:17:13,490 --> 00:17:14,616
You're good.
570
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:15,284
You are good.
571
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:15,284
You are good.
572
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:16,535
I'm gonna get your ass.
573
00:17:16,618 --> 00:17:19,288
You know I'm going
to get your ass.
574
00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:20,038
No, no, no.
575
00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:21,498
It's a mission.
576
00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:21,498
It's a mission.
577
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:25,252
[singing can-can dance]
578
00:17:35,053 --> 00:17:41,185
OK, now we roll this up and do
a little tiny $20 bill ball.
579
00:17:35,053 --> 00:17:41,185
OK, now we roll this up and do
a little tiny $20 bill ball.
580
00:17:41,268 --> 00:17:41,894
Hold that.
581
00:17:41,977 --> 00:17:43,312
Right, like that.
582
00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:44,813
This is a chick pan.
583
00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:44,813
This is a chick pan.
584
00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:47,816
We use this on the farm to
burn sick baby chicks in.
585
00:17:50,652 --> 00:17:53,447
When they're sick.
586
00:17:50,652 --> 00:17:53,447
When they're sick.
587
00:17:53,530 --> 00:17:55,866
It's humane.
588
00:17:55,949 --> 00:17:57,201
You can tell when
they're sick, too.
589
00:17:55,949 --> 00:17:57,201
You can tell when
they're sick, too.
590
00:17:57,284 --> 00:18:00,078
They get yellow and fuzzy.
591
00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:02,664
And they make that peep,
peep, peep, peep sound.
592
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:04,750
Especially when they're in there
burning, they make that sound.
593
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:04,750
Especially when they're in there
burning, they make that sound.
594
00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:05,584
Hold that.
595
00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:06,877
Hold it.
596
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,712
I want you to put your
$20 in there, please.
597
00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:10,214
Just drop it in there.
598
00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:13,592
And this is lighter fluid.
599
00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:14,927
OK, now, don't move.
600
00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:14,927
OK, now, don't move.
601
00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:16,804
We don't want to take chances.
602
00:18:25,687 --> 00:18:27,648
Don't worry about it, OK.
603
00:18:25,687 --> 00:18:27,648
Don't worry about it, OK.
604
00:18:27,731 --> 00:18:29,024
I know you're covered
in this stuff,
605
00:18:29,107 --> 00:18:30,484
but it's not even lighter fluid
or I wouldn't be squirting
606
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:31,610
you like that if it was.
607
00:18:31,693 --> 00:18:34,446
All right, now-- oh, shit.
608
00:18:31,693 --> 00:18:34,446
All right, now-- oh, shit.
609
00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:36,573
Ah!
610
00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:37,491
My thumb was on fire.
611
00:18:37,574 --> 00:18:38,659
Did you see that?
612
00:18:38,742 --> 00:18:41,495
That was awesome.
613
00:18:38,742 --> 00:18:41,495
That was awesome.
614
00:18:41,578 --> 00:18:44,373
Now comes the pain part.
615
00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:47,626
[groaning]
616
00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:47,626
[groaning]
617
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:54,258
OK, now, look at your $20.
618
00:18:54,341 --> 00:18:55,968
Is it burning?
619
00:18:56,051 --> 00:18:56,969
Yes.
620
00:18:56,051 --> 00:18:56,969
Yes.
621
00:18:57,052 --> 00:18:58,220
It looks like it's
burning because there's
622
00:18:58,303 --> 00:18:58,887
a fire in the pan.
623
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:00,889
But look at the 20 itself.
624
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:02,307
Is it turning black?
625
00:19:02,391 --> 00:19:02,432
Yeah, it's burning.
626
00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:07,187
Uh, ah, shit.
627
00:19:07,271 --> 00:19:12,693
OK, well, that goes on the
list of [bleep] I can't do.
628
00:19:07,271 --> 00:19:12,693
OK, well, that goes on the
list of [bleep] I can't do.
629
00:19:14,903 --> 00:19:19,199
No, you should see the list.
630
00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:22,661
It's getting huge.
631
00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:22,661
It's getting huge.
632
00:19:22,744 --> 00:19:23,704
It's going right there.
633
00:19:26,707 --> 00:19:27,666
It's pretty impressive.
634
00:19:26,707 --> 00:19:27,666
It's pretty impressive.
635
00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:35,674
I'm a magician.
636
00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:35,674
I'm a magician.
637
00:19:35,757 --> 00:19:37,593
What do you do?
638
00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:38,093
I'm a doctor.
639
00:19:38,176 --> 00:19:40,137
You're a doctor?
640
00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:40,971
Really?
641
00:19:41,054 --> 00:19:41,930
You look so young
to be a doctor.
642
00:19:41,054 --> 00:19:41,930
You look so young
to be a doctor.
643
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:44,433
Like Doogie Howser
with grey hair.
644
00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:49,938
Really, what kind
of doctor are you?
645
00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:51,189
I'm a surgeon.
646
00:19:51,273 --> 00:19:51,899
Really?
647
00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:52,774
Can you write prescriptions?
648
00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:53,817
Not for you.
649
00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:53,817
Not for you.
650
00:19:57,863 --> 00:20:01,366
Because I can order them
if you can write them.
651
00:19:57,863 --> 00:20:01,366
Because I can order them
if you can write them.
652
00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:04,912
And now, when I open--
ah, son of a bitch.
653
00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:05,704
Open that.
654
00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:05,704
Open that.
655
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:16,965
Wait, what is that in there now?
656
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:19,134
An orange?
657
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:19,134
An orange?
658
00:20:19,217 --> 00:20:21,136
Hold that.
659
00:20:21,219 --> 00:20:22,512
Hold it in the air
like some asshole's
660
00:20:22,596 --> 00:20:23,805
going to throw a
knife at it and you
661
00:20:22,596 --> 00:20:23,805
going to throw a
knife at it and you
662
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:26,016
didn't want to be in the way.
663
00:20:26,099 --> 00:20:26,433
Hold it.
664
00:20:26,516 --> 00:20:27,225
Hold it.
665
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:36,151
As a doctor-- come here!
666
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:36,151
As a doctor-- come here!
667
00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:38,528
You probably are very aware
of your hands and your need
668
00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:41,365
for them.
669
00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:41,365
for them.
670
00:20:41,448 --> 00:20:43,700
Now, does it matter to me that
you look like the motherfucker
671
00:20:43,784 --> 00:20:44,785
that killed my mom and dad.
672
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:50,165
Relax, I killed my mom and dad.
673
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:51,124
I'm kidding around.
674
00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:52,709
(LIGHTER VOICE) Pick
up your clothes!
675
00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:54,294
(NORMAL VOICE) No!
676
00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:54,294
(NORMAL VOICE) No!
677
00:20:57,756 --> 00:20:59,716
How much of that can you take?
678
00:20:57,756 --> 00:20:59,716
How much of that can you take?
679
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:00,384
Nine long years of that crap.
680
00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:06,890
Now-- God!
681
00:21:09,893 --> 00:21:13,689
Where's the thing that
makes this a trick?
682
00:21:09,893 --> 00:21:13,689
Where's the thing that
makes this a trick?
683
00:21:13,772 --> 00:21:17,359
OK, now, remember what we did.
684
00:21:13,772 --> 00:21:17,359
OK, now, remember what we did.
685
00:21:17,442 --> 00:21:19,695
We burned your $20 in the pan.
686
00:21:19,778 --> 00:21:22,322
I opened the pan, I
pulled the orange out.
687
00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:23,907
I handed it to you.
688
00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:23,907
I handed it to you.
689
00:21:23,991 --> 00:21:27,035
Now, do not move or
you will lose a finger.
690
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:27,744
OK?
691
00:21:27,828 --> 00:21:30,872
Oh, shit, sorry about those.
692
00:21:27,828 --> 00:21:30,872
Oh, shit, sorry about those.
693
00:21:30,956 --> 00:21:31,873
Now, watch your feet.
694
00:21:31,957 --> 00:21:37,087
OK, now, pull on the top half.
695
00:21:31,957 --> 00:21:37,087
OK, now, pull on the top half.
696
00:21:37,170 --> 00:21:42,843
Inside of the orange lodged in
the center, there's a $20 bill.
697
00:21:37,170 --> 00:21:42,843
Inside of the orange lodged in
the center, there's a $20 bill.
698
00:21:42,926 --> 00:21:43,677
I can't get that out.
699
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:45,887
Pull.
700
00:21:45,971 --> 00:21:49,975
Pull it.
You're the king.
701
00:21:45,971 --> 00:21:49,975
Pull it.
You're the king.
702
00:21:54,396 --> 00:21:57,566
Look, it's like it's
drooling Pac-Man.
703
00:21:57,649 --> 00:22:00,569
Mm, mm, mm!
704
00:21:57,649 --> 00:22:00,569
Mm, mm, mm!
705
00:22:00,652 --> 00:22:03,530
OK, the $20's missing a corner.
706
00:22:03,613 --> 00:22:06,658
If it matches this one,
that would be spooky.
707
00:22:03,613 --> 00:22:06,658
If it matches this one,
that would be spooky.
708
00:22:09,578 --> 00:22:11,329
Now, you're the judge here.
709
00:22:09,578 --> 00:22:11,329
Now, you're the judge here.
710
00:22:11,413 --> 00:22:14,416
On the other side, the serial
numbers have been ripped off.
711
00:22:14,499 --> 00:22:15,584
Compare them to the other side.
712
00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:17,336
Compare the words, the lines.
713
00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:17,336
Compare the words, the lines.
714
00:22:17,419 --> 00:22:19,254
Are they perfect?
715
00:22:19,337 --> 00:22:20,213
They're perfect.
716
00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:21,256
I didn't hear that.
717
00:22:21,339 --> 00:22:22,215
They're perfect.
718
00:22:22,299 --> 00:22:24,760
[applause]
719
00:22:22,299 --> 00:22:24,760
[applause]
720
00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:26,595
Thank you!
721
00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:31,183
Yeah, I know.
722
00:22:33,935 --> 00:22:34,770
I know.
723
00:22:34,853 --> 00:22:36,938
But, it's not perfect.
724
00:22:34,853 --> 00:22:36,938
But, it's not perfect.
725
00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:41,526
It's still ripped
and its orangey.
726
00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:41,526
It's still ripped
and its orangey.
727
00:22:41,610 --> 00:22:43,862
And this show's all
about perfection.
728
00:22:43,945 --> 00:22:45,697
There's no laugh there.
729
00:22:48,450 --> 00:22:52,370
So we use, to fix that,
the magic silk of India.
730
00:22:55,999 --> 00:22:58,001
Don't patronize me.
731
00:22:58,085 --> 00:23:00,629
You don't know what
the hell this can do.
732
00:22:58,085 --> 00:23:00,629
You don't know what
the hell this can do.
733
00:23:00,712 --> 00:23:02,839
What if it can kill a
large group of assholes?
734
00:23:07,719 --> 00:23:08,136
You, ma'am.
735
00:23:08,220 --> 00:23:10,764
Do you like birds?
736
00:23:10,847 --> 00:23:12,432
[laughing]
737
00:23:10,847 --> 00:23:12,432
[laughing]
738
00:23:13,850 --> 00:23:14,559
Keeper!
739
00:23:20,816 --> 00:23:23,652
Hi-ya!
740
00:23:20,816 --> 00:23:23,652
Hi-ya!
741
00:23:23,735 --> 00:23:26,113
Yeah, you little
motherfucker-- motherfuck!
742
00:23:34,955 --> 00:23:36,289
We can make it alive again.
743
00:23:34,955 --> 00:23:36,289
We can make it alive again.
744
00:23:38,917 --> 00:23:39,626
Fix that.
745
00:23:43,255 --> 00:23:44,005
It was sick.
746
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:46,842
That's why I did it.
747
00:23:46,925 --> 00:23:48,051
It was.
748
00:23:46,925 --> 00:23:48,051
It was.
749
00:23:48,135 --> 00:23:51,012
You see how pale that thing was.
750
00:23:51,096 --> 00:23:51,930
What were we doing?
751
00:23:52,013 --> 00:23:54,683
Oh, your ripped $10.
752
00:23:52,013 --> 00:23:54,683
Oh, your ripped $10.
753
00:23:54,766 --> 00:23:56,518
Bring it over.
754
00:23:56,601 --> 00:23:58,770
$20-- whatever.
755
00:23:58,854 --> 00:24:05,527
Come over here-- next to me
where it's safe and warm.
756
00:23:58,854 --> 00:24:05,527
Come over here-- next to me
where it's safe and warm.
757
00:23:58,854 --> 00:24:05,527
Come over here-- next to me
where it's safe and warm.
758
00:24:05,610 --> 00:24:08,238
Watch-- we place this
underneath the magic silk
759
00:24:08,321 --> 00:24:14,452
of Switzerland-- India.
760
00:24:08,321 --> 00:24:14,452
of Switzerland-- India.
761
00:24:14,536 --> 00:24:15,203
India?
762
00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:17,873
India.
763
00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:17,873
India.
764
00:24:17,956 --> 00:24:19,040
Ever been there?
765
00:24:19,124 --> 00:24:20,208
The magical city of India.
766
00:24:20,292 --> 00:24:22,419
I've been there many times.
767
00:24:22,502 --> 00:24:24,379
They call it the
land of the lakes.
768
00:24:22,502 --> 00:24:24,379
They call it the
land of the lakes.
769
00:24:24,462 --> 00:24:27,549
The Windy City of India.
770
00:24:27,632 --> 00:24:29,968
Where the magic is so powerful,
it can fix your ripped $5.
771
00:24:27,632 --> 00:24:29,968
Where the magic is so powerful,
it can fix your ripped $5.
772
00:24:31,970 --> 00:24:34,264
[tape pulling]
773
00:24:41,563 --> 00:24:43,190
Sometimes magic
sounds like tape.
774
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:46,193
It isn't.
775
00:24:46,276 --> 00:24:49,070
It's the power--
the power of India!
776
00:24:46,276 --> 00:24:49,070
It's the power--
the power of India!
777
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,326
[coughing]
778
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,326
[coughing]
779
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:56,536
Son of a-- God
damn, [inaudible].
780
00:25:00,999 --> 00:25:02,751
Somebody could be helping me.
781
00:25:02,834 --> 00:25:04,002
I wonder who that is.
782
00:25:04,085 --> 00:25:08,548
Hold that up so I can--
both sides, Captain Obvious.
783
00:25:04,085 --> 00:25:08,548
Hold that up so I can--
both sides, Captain Obvious.
784
00:25:08,632 --> 00:25:09,799
Yeah, over here, Doogie.
785
00:25:09,883 --> 00:25:12,761
Now-- you ever help
a magician before?
786
00:25:09,883 --> 00:25:12,761
Now-- you ever help
a magician before?
787
00:25:12,844 --> 00:25:14,221
No.
788
00:25:14,304 --> 00:25:17,974
That's funny because you're
not helping one now, either.
789
00:25:14,304 --> 00:25:17,974
That's funny because you're
not helping one now, either.
790
00:25:18,058 --> 00:25:19,601
Hello, everybody
over there in "I
791
00:25:19,684 --> 00:25:26,858
Can See How You Did That Land."
792
00:25:19,684 --> 00:25:26,858
Can See How You Did That Land."
793
00:25:26,942 --> 00:25:28,860
India!
794
00:25:28,944 --> 00:25:30,278
India!
795
00:25:28,944 --> 00:25:30,278
India!
796
00:25:30,362 --> 00:25:32,364
India!
797
00:25:32,447 --> 00:25:35,075
Land of the buck tooth snake.
798
00:25:35,158 --> 00:25:38,870
[hissing]
799
00:25:35,158 --> 00:25:38,870
[hissing]
800
00:25:40,538 --> 00:25:42,040
See, you wouldn't be
laughing if that were real.
801
00:25:40,538 --> 00:25:42,040
See, you wouldn't be
laughing if that were real.
802
00:25:42,123 --> 00:25:43,124
No doubt.
803
00:25:43,208 --> 00:25:44,459
Buck tooth snake
bite on your hand?
804
00:25:44,542 --> 00:25:45,502
Bye.
805
00:25:45,585 --> 00:25:46,962
[biting sound]
806
00:25:48,129 --> 00:25:50,382
(WEAK VOICE) I can't breathe!
807
00:25:50,465 --> 00:25:54,010
I got bit by the
buck tooth snake!
808
00:25:50,465 --> 00:25:54,010
I got bit by the
buck tooth snake!
809
00:25:54,094 --> 00:25:57,347
[biting sound]
810
00:25:57,430 --> 00:26:01,309
He bit me again.
811
00:25:57,430 --> 00:26:01,309
He bit me again.
812
00:26:01,393 --> 00:26:02,978
Is that-- is that you?
813
00:26:03,061 --> 00:26:05,438
[biting sound]
814
00:26:03,061 --> 00:26:05,438
[biting sound]
815
00:26:06,398 --> 00:26:07,399
He's relentless.
816
00:26:11,861 --> 00:26:16,658
(NORMAL VOICE) Not only
is your single fixed,
817
00:26:16,741 --> 00:26:18,618
but now it's in this neat
little carrying case.
818
00:26:16,741 --> 00:26:18,618
but now it's in this neat
little carrying case.
819
00:26:21,413 --> 00:26:23,790
It's you on your way to India.
820
00:26:21,413 --> 00:26:23,790
It's you on your way to India.
821
00:26:26,251 --> 00:26:30,171
It's origami, it's called.
822
00:26:26,251 --> 00:26:30,171
It's origami, it's called.
823
00:26:30,255 --> 00:26:31,339
That's yours.
824
00:26:31,423 --> 00:26:33,383
Now if you were to take the
tape off of this when you
825
00:26:33,466 --> 00:26:35,719
got home tonight, you'd
be surprised to find
826
00:26:33,466 --> 00:26:35,719
got home tonight, you'd
be surprised to find
827
00:26:35,802 --> 00:26:38,013
it's no longer ripped.
828
00:26:38,096 --> 00:26:39,472
You would be.
829
00:26:39,556 --> 00:26:41,266
You'd be surprised,
wouldn't you?
830
00:26:39,556 --> 00:26:41,266
You'd be surprised,
wouldn't you?
831
00:26:41,349 --> 00:26:43,184
I'd be shocked as hell.
832
00:26:43,268 --> 00:26:44,019
Yeah, me too.
833
00:26:44,102 --> 00:26:46,271
I'll tell you what.
834
00:26:46,354 --> 00:26:49,024
We got a gift for you for
that-- to make up for that.
835
00:26:46,354 --> 00:26:49,024
We got a gift for you for
that-- to make up for that.
836
00:26:49,107 --> 00:26:49,524
Tanya!
837
00:26:49,607 --> 00:26:51,192
TANYA: Oh, yeah?
838
00:26:51,276 --> 00:26:53,194
Don't worry, it isn't Tanya.
839
00:26:51,276 --> 00:26:53,194
Don't worry, it isn't Tanya.
840
00:26:53,278 --> 00:26:54,612
You'd get change back from that.
841
00:26:54,696 --> 00:26:56,948
Come out and bring
out his gift, please.
842
00:26:57,032 --> 00:26:59,659
Hey, hey.
843
00:26:57,032 --> 00:26:59,659
Hey, hey.
844
00:26:59,743 --> 00:27:01,536
I got show tickets!
845
00:27:01,619 --> 00:27:03,038
Oh, boy.
Show tickets.
846
00:27:03,121 --> 00:27:03,455
Yeah!
847
00:27:03,538 --> 00:27:05,332
All right.
848
00:27:03,538 --> 00:27:05,332
All right.
849
00:27:05,415 --> 00:27:07,083
Blue Man Group-- you spent
more than $100 on four tickets.
850
00:27:07,167 --> 00:27:07,792
Oh, no.
851
00:27:07,876 --> 00:27:09,336
These were free, free, free.
852
00:27:09,419 --> 00:27:10,170
Bullshit.
853
00:27:10,253 --> 00:27:10,879
They don't give
out free tickets.
854
00:27:10,962 --> 00:27:12,630
-I get them--
-To anyone.
855
00:27:10,962 --> 00:27:12,630
-I get them--
-To anyone.
856
00:27:12,714 --> 00:27:15,008
I'm a winner winner,
chicken dinner.
857
00:27:15,091 --> 00:27:15,925
[imitates rooster crowing]
858
00:27:16,009 --> 00:27:17,052
No.
859
00:27:17,135 --> 00:27:19,721
You're a lunatic
and any cock'll do.
860
00:27:17,135 --> 00:27:19,721
You're a lunatic
and any cock'll do.
861
00:27:19,804 --> 00:27:20,388
Give me these.
862
00:27:20,472 --> 00:27:22,057
Let me see what they are.
863
00:27:26,478 --> 00:27:28,271
OK, how the hell did
you manage to get
864
00:27:28,355 --> 00:27:32,025
front row seats-- oh, God.
865
00:27:28,355 --> 00:27:32,025
front row seats-- oh, God.
866
00:27:32,108 --> 00:27:33,443
[chuckles]
867
00:27:33,526 --> 00:27:35,195
Complimentary!
868
00:27:33,526 --> 00:27:35,195
Complimentary!
869
00:27:35,278 --> 00:27:36,905
Ha, ha!
870
00:27:36,988 --> 00:27:40,158
Complimentary!
871
00:27:40,158 --> 00:27:43,203
Complimentary!
872
00:27:40,158 --> 00:27:43,203
Complimentary!
873
00:27:43,286 --> 00:27:45,580
(SQUEAKY VOICE) Complimentary!
874
00:27:45,663 --> 00:27:47,415
[chuckles]
875
00:27:45,663 --> 00:27:47,415
[chuckles]
876
00:27:47,499 --> 00:27:48,792
-Are you done?
-Yeah.
877
00:27:48,875 --> 00:27:49,876
All right.
878
00:27:49,959 --> 00:27:51,669
First of all, you got
stuff all over your face.
879
00:27:54,506 --> 00:27:55,673
OK, you got it.
880
00:27:55,757 --> 00:27:58,718
Now, I want you to go
get his present for real.
881
00:27:58,802 --> 00:28:00,345
I already brought out-- The
one I put back there in case
882
00:27:58,802 --> 00:28:00,345
I already brought out-- The
one I put back there in case
883
00:28:00,428 --> 00:28:02,430
you pulled this stuff again.
884
00:28:02,514 --> 00:28:03,515
No, that way.
885
00:28:03,598 --> 00:28:05,934
Over in the back of the
chair there, Euphoria.
886
00:28:03,598 --> 00:28:05,934
Over in the back of the
chair there, Euphoria.
887
00:28:06,017 --> 00:28:07,352
You want the back of the chair?
888
00:28:07,435 --> 00:28:08,353
No, I don't want the chair.
889
00:28:08,436 --> 00:28:09,104
Come here.
890
00:28:09,187 --> 00:28:11,147
Just stand here and I'll get it.
891
00:28:11,231 --> 00:28:13,441
Don't touch him or my props.
892
00:28:13,525 --> 00:28:16,903
Listen to this tape
while I'm gone.
893
00:28:16,986 --> 00:28:17,821
Listen to me.
894
00:28:16,986 --> 00:28:17,821
Listen to me.
895
00:28:17,904 --> 00:28:20,198
If she touches you
or any of my stuff,
896
00:28:20,281 --> 00:28:22,617
sweep kick her legs
from underneath her.
897
00:28:22,700 --> 00:28:23,660
She won't fall.
898
00:28:22,700 --> 00:28:23,660
She won't fall.
899
00:28:23,743 --> 00:28:24,119
She'll hang there in
the air like a demon.
900
00:28:24,202 --> 00:28:26,371
Just do it.
901
00:28:26,454 --> 00:28:29,457
I'll be right back.
902
00:28:26,454 --> 00:28:29,457
I'll be right back.
903
00:28:29,541 --> 00:28:32,627
I don't-- I don't
hear anything.
904
00:28:32,710 --> 00:28:34,254
Oh, hey.
905
00:28:34,337 --> 00:28:36,089
You just ripped your pants.
906
00:28:34,337 --> 00:28:36,089
You just ripped your pants.
907
00:28:36,172 --> 00:28:37,048
Ha, ha!
908
00:28:37,132 --> 00:28:40,927
Hey, sexy, sexy!
909
00:28:41,010 --> 00:28:43,138
Do you like to dancey, dancey?
910
00:28:41,010 --> 00:28:43,138
Do you like to dancey, dancey?
911
00:28:43,221 --> 00:28:43,638
Huh?
912
00:28:43,721 --> 00:28:46,641
[music playing]
913
00:28:46,724 --> 00:28:50,061
Come on, doll.
914
00:28:46,724 --> 00:28:50,061
Come on, doll.
915
00:28:50,145 --> 00:28:52,021
Come on.
916
00:28:52,105 --> 00:28:54,983
Woo-hoo!
917
00:28:52,105 --> 00:28:54,983
Woo-hoo!
918
00:28:55,066 --> 00:28:59,654
[applause]
919
00:28:55,066 --> 00:28:59,654
[applause]
920
00:29:08,288 --> 00:29:09,998
Come on, doll!
921
00:29:10,081 --> 00:29:10,874
Come on!
922
00:29:10,957 --> 00:29:14,544
You just gotta sit down.
923
00:29:10,957 --> 00:29:14,544
You just gotta sit down.
924
00:29:14,627 --> 00:29:15,587
Kick it up!
925
00:29:20,592 --> 00:29:23,052
Uh-oh.
926
00:29:23,136 --> 00:29:26,389
You're in big trouble!
927
00:29:23,136 --> 00:29:26,389
You're in big trouble!
928
00:29:26,473 --> 00:29:28,183
Oh, oh!
929
00:29:28,266 --> 00:29:30,143
Oh, oh!
930
00:29:28,266 --> 00:29:30,143
Oh, oh!
931
00:29:30,226 --> 00:29:33,980
Uh-- uh-oh.
932
00:29:34,063 --> 00:29:36,107
Look it, I'm so
scared, I'm shaking.
933
00:29:34,063 --> 00:29:36,107
Look it, I'm so
scared, I'm shaking.
934
00:29:39,194 --> 00:29:43,615
Look, I'm so scared
even my hair is shaking.
935
00:29:39,194 --> 00:29:43,615
Look, I'm so scared
even my hair is shaking.
936
00:29:43,698 --> 00:29:47,619
[growling]
937
00:29:43,698 --> 00:29:47,619
[growling]
938
00:29:50,914 --> 00:29:51,581
Ow!
939
00:29:55,585 --> 00:29:58,880
Oh, oh!
940
00:29:58,963 --> 00:30:00,548
JOHNATHAN: Ladies and
gentlemen, let's have a round
941
00:29:58,963 --> 00:30:00,548
JOHNATHAN: Ladies and
gentlemen, let's have a round
942
00:30:00,632 --> 00:30:03,468
of applause for my volunteer!
943
00:30:07,055 --> 00:30:08,389
Great job, man.
944
00:30:11,059 --> 00:30:13,853
And now, a classic of magic--
pulling a rabbit from the hat.
945
00:30:11,059 --> 00:30:13,853
And now, a classic of magic--
pulling a rabbit from the hat.
946
00:30:11,059 --> 00:30:13,853
And now, a classic of magic--
pulling a rabbit from the hat.
947
00:30:23,196 --> 00:30:24,781
Come on.
948
00:30:23,196 --> 00:30:24,781
Come on.
949
00:30:24,864 --> 00:30:29,160
He's much better off now
than when he was dead.
950
00:30:29,244 --> 00:30:31,120
He didn't have the
dance moves he has now.
951
00:30:29,244 --> 00:30:31,120
He didn't have the
dance moves he has now.
952
00:30:31,204 --> 00:30:32,080
Watch.
953
00:30:32,163 --> 00:30:36,501
[music playing]
954
00:30:32,163 --> 00:30:36,501
[music playing]
955
00:30:40,755 --> 00:30:41,464
Yeah.
956
00:30:47,512 --> 00:30:48,179
Ever try to eat
popcorn at the beach?
957
00:30:47,512 --> 00:30:48,179
Ever try to eat
popcorn at the beach?
958
00:30:48,263 --> 00:30:50,598
It's like, ah!
959
00:30:50,682 --> 00:30:51,391
Gah!
960
00:30:55,853 --> 00:30:59,774
All right, who's the
dick with the phone on?
961
00:30:59,857 --> 00:31:02,944
OK, you're at a show
and your phone is on.
962
00:31:03,027 --> 00:31:03,653
Cool.
963
00:31:03,736 --> 00:31:05,154
Hello, it's me.
964
00:31:05,238 --> 00:31:07,740
I'm a dick.
965
00:31:05,238 --> 00:31:07,740
I'm a dick.
966
00:31:07,824 --> 00:31:08,533
Who is it?
967
00:31:12,537 --> 00:31:15,873
You'll get it back afterwards.
968
00:31:15,957 --> 00:31:17,041
Look, I made that last night.
969
00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:21,629
I'm Carrot Top.
970
00:31:21,713 --> 00:31:24,507
What the hell am I thinking?
971
00:31:21,713 --> 00:31:24,507
What the hell am I thinking?
972
00:31:24,591 --> 00:31:25,550
All right, yeah.
973
00:31:29,721 --> 00:31:32,140
This next trick is called
the vanishing scissors.
974
00:31:29,721 --> 00:31:32,140
This next trick is called
the vanishing scissors.
975
00:31:32,223 --> 00:31:33,266
It's a classic trick.
976
00:31:33,349 --> 00:31:35,727
I think you're
going to enjoy this.
977
00:31:35,810 --> 00:31:37,145
[mutters]
978
00:31:44,527 --> 00:31:45,194
Thank you.
979
00:31:45,278 --> 00:31:46,904
Oh, wait!
980
00:31:46,988 --> 00:31:48,281
Wait, wait, wait.
981
00:31:46,988 --> 00:31:48,281
Wait, wait, wait.
982
00:31:48,364 --> 00:31:49,824
I got them.
983
00:31:49,907 --> 00:31:51,075
I found them.
984
00:31:51,159 --> 00:31:53,870
Now, watch three
seconds, they're gone
985
00:31:51,159 --> 00:31:53,870
Now, watch three
seconds, they're gone
986
00:31:53,953 --> 00:31:56,164
and you don't know
where they went.
987
00:31:56,247 --> 00:31:59,083
Not up my sleeves-- they're up.
988
00:31:59,167 --> 00:32:01,377
One, two, and--
989
00:31:59,167 --> 00:32:01,377
One, two, and--
990
00:32:01,461 --> 00:32:02,253
[loud bang]
991
00:32:02,337 --> 00:32:03,046
Uh-oh!
992
00:32:07,634 --> 00:32:08,343
Three.
993
00:32:13,348 --> 00:32:15,016
Thank you.
994
00:32:15,099 --> 00:32:15,850
The vanishing scissors.
995
00:32:18,436 --> 00:32:19,437
Look it, the guys
are all amazed,
996
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:22,357
and the girls know right
where the scissors are.
997
00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:23,691
Everyone one of you.
998
00:32:23,775 --> 00:32:25,276
And maybe a few gay guys, too.
999
00:32:23,775 --> 00:32:25,276
And maybe a few gay guys, too.
1000
00:32:32,116 --> 00:32:33,409
We have a very special guest
in our audience tonight.
1001
00:32:33,493 --> 00:32:35,536
This is very cool.
1002
00:32:35,620 --> 00:32:37,497
Playing in Las Vegas like
I do on full time basis
1003
00:32:37,580 --> 00:32:40,416
at the Sahara, I get to
see a lot of celebrities
1004
00:32:37,580 --> 00:32:40,416
at the Sahara, I get to
see a lot of celebrities
1005
00:32:40,500 --> 00:32:41,459
coming through Vegas.
1006
00:32:41,542 --> 00:32:43,378
I didn't know if anybody
would be here tonight,
1007
00:32:43,461 --> 00:32:46,381
but in Vegas last Sunday
we had Robin Williams,
1008
00:32:43,461 --> 00:32:46,381
but in Vegas last Sunday
we had Robin Williams,
1009
00:32:46,464 --> 00:32:47,924
we had Snoop Dogg Sunday night.
1010
00:32:48,007 --> 00:32:49,092
It's just like
every single night.
1011
00:32:49,175 --> 00:32:51,636
But this is cool because
I just found out who's
1012
00:32:49,175 --> 00:32:51,636
But this is cool because
I just found out who's
1013
00:32:51,719 --> 00:32:52,929
here in the audience tonight.
1014
00:32:53,012 --> 00:32:55,723
First of all, from Pantera,
ladies and gentlemen, the band,
1015
00:32:55,807 --> 00:32:56,432
we have Vinny.
1016
00:32:55,807 --> 00:32:56,432
we have Vinny.
1017
00:32:56,516 --> 00:32:57,558
Vinny, stand up.
Take a bow.
1018
00:32:57,642 --> 00:32:58,309
Yes.
1019
00:32:58,393 --> 00:33:01,688
[applause]
1020
00:33:04,148 --> 00:33:05,608
This is going to blow you away.
1021
00:33:05,692 --> 00:33:08,569
As cool as Pantera
being here is, this is,
1022
00:33:05,692 --> 00:33:08,569
As cool as Pantera
being here is, this is,
1023
00:33:08,653 --> 00:33:11,072
to me, is an honor because
he is without a doubt
1024
00:33:11,155 --> 00:33:13,408
the best magician in the world.
1025
00:33:13,491 --> 00:33:15,910
Now he's been doing
this for 20 years.
1026
00:33:13,491 --> 00:33:15,910
Now he's been doing
this for 20 years.
1027
00:33:15,993 --> 00:33:16,911
He's been the best.
1028
00:33:16,994 --> 00:33:18,079
That's not easy to do.
1029
00:33:18,162 --> 00:33:20,832
You've seen the specials
on ABC every single year.
1030
00:33:18,162 --> 00:33:20,832
You've seen the specials
on ABC every single year.
1031
00:33:20,915 --> 00:33:22,583
Go see him live if you
ever get the chance.
1032
00:33:22,667 --> 00:33:25,253
As good as the specials
are, the live show rocks.
1033
00:33:25,336 --> 00:33:28,548
Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome, Mr. David Copperfield.
1034
00:33:25,336 --> 00:33:28,548
Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome, Mr. David Copperfield.
1035
00:33:28,631 --> 00:33:31,718
[applause]
1036
00:33:32,343 --> 00:33:33,928
Look at you assholes!
1037
00:33:34,011 --> 00:33:36,889
Yeah, look at you all look.
1038
00:33:36,973 --> 00:33:40,059
Oh, David Copperfield!
1039
00:33:36,973 --> 00:33:40,059
Oh, David Copperfield!
1040
00:33:40,143 --> 00:33:40,768
Fuck you.
1041
00:33:40,852 --> 00:33:44,147
You're here to see me.
1042
00:33:40,852 --> 00:33:44,147
You're here to see me.
1043
00:33:44,230 --> 00:33:46,190
David Copperfield, please.
1044
00:33:46,274 --> 00:33:48,151
Oh!
1045
00:33:48,234 --> 00:33:48,943
Oh!
1046
00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:52,864
Don't break your necks.
1047
00:33:55,867 --> 00:33:59,120
Now, I'm going to put him to
shame right now with a trick.
1048
00:33:55,867 --> 00:33:59,120
Now, I'm going to put him to
shame right now with a trick.
1049
00:33:59,203 --> 00:34:00,413
He's an illusionist.
1050
00:34:00,496 --> 00:34:02,749
I do stupid little
shit as you know.
1051
00:34:00,496 --> 00:34:02,749
I do stupid little
shit as you know.
1052
00:34:02,832 --> 00:34:03,791
You've seen it.
1053
00:34:03,875 --> 00:34:07,795
Now, that's not to say
I can't do what he does.
1054
00:34:07,879 --> 00:34:09,964
I don't choose to carry that
much stuff around, that's all.
1055
00:34:07,879 --> 00:34:09,964
I don't choose to carry that
much stuff around, that's all.
1056
00:34:10,047 --> 00:34:13,384
So, but tonight, in
honor of this one
1057
00:34:13,468 --> 00:34:16,137
hour Comedy Central special, I
am carrying that stuff around.
1058
00:34:13,468 --> 00:34:16,137
hour Comedy Central special, I
am carrying that stuff around.
1059
00:34:16,220 --> 00:34:17,889
Something big, real
big, and you're going
1060
00:34:17,972 --> 00:34:20,475
to see it for the first time.
1061
00:34:17,972 --> 00:34:20,475
to see it for the first time.
1062
00:34:20,558 --> 00:34:23,644
So, turn the spotlight off and
give me some music, please.
1063
00:34:23,728 --> 00:34:24,437
[music playing]
1064
00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:26,314
Yeah.
1065
00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:26,314
Yeah.
1066
00:34:26,397 --> 00:34:28,983
Halloween, my
favorite time of year.
1067
00:34:29,067 --> 00:34:30,610
Tanya is going to
help me with this one,
1068
00:34:30,693 --> 00:34:32,320
but she doesn't know it.
1069
00:34:30,693 --> 00:34:32,320
but she doesn't know it.
1070
00:34:32,403 --> 00:34:34,697
Tanya!
1071
00:34:34,781 --> 00:34:35,239
TANYA: Oh, yeah?
1072
00:34:35,323 --> 00:34:37,867
Come here, please.
1073
00:34:37,950 --> 00:34:39,327
Come here.
TANYA: Yeah?
1074
00:34:39,410 --> 00:34:40,620
JOHNATHAN: I want to
show you something.
1075
00:34:40,703 --> 00:34:41,746
I want to show you this.
1076
00:34:41,829 --> 00:34:43,372
There's blood all
over the sheet.
1077
00:34:43,456 --> 00:34:44,707
Doesn't that scare you?
1078
00:34:43,456 --> 00:34:44,707
Doesn't that scare you?
1079
00:34:44,791 --> 00:34:45,333
TANYA: I'm not scared.
1080
00:34:45,416 --> 00:34:46,751
But, look, it's blood.
1081
00:34:46,834 --> 00:34:48,294
[fake queasy sound]
1082
00:34:48,377 --> 00:34:50,505
How about this?
1083
00:34:48,377 --> 00:34:50,505
How about this?
1084
00:34:50,588 --> 00:34:51,798
-Oh.
-Yeah.
1085
00:34:51,881 --> 00:34:52,507
I-- I'm not scared.
1086
00:34:52,590 --> 00:34:54,342
Why'd you step backwards then?
1087
00:34:54,425 --> 00:34:55,301
I'm just stepping--
1088
00:34:55,384 --> 00:34:56,594
JOHNATHAN: Watch this, Tanya.
1089
00:34:55,384 --> 00:34:56,594
JOHNATHAN: Watch this, Tanya.
1090
00:34:56,677 --> 00:34:58,596
Come here, I want to show
you something really scary.
1091
00:34:58,679 --> 00:34:59,847
Come here.
1092
00:34:59,931 --> 00:35:00,681
TANYA: No.
1093
00:35:00,765 --> 00:35:02,183
Yes.
1094
00:35:00,765 --> 00:35:02,183
Yes.
1095
00:35:02,266 --> 00:35:03,226
I'm not scared.
1096
00:35:03,309 --> 00:35:05,061
JOHNATHAN: Hey, Tanya,
and I'm over here.
1097
00:35:07,730 --> 00:35:08,439
Over here!
1098
00:35:07,730 --> 00:35:08,439
Over here!
1099
00:35:12,109 --> 00:35:12,985
Yeah.
1100
00:35:13,069 --> 00:35:14,028
Who are you talking to?
1101
00:35:13,069 --> 00:35:14,028
Who are you talking to?
1102
00:35:14,111 --> 00:35:17,281
Well, I thought--
wait a minute.
1103
00:35:17,365 --> 00:35:24,038
If you're them, and
they're you, then who am I?
1104
00:35:17,365 --> 00:35:24,038
If you're them, and
they're you, then who am I?
1105
00:35:24,121 --> 00:35:27,542
{\an8}Nobody really knows for sure.
1106
00:35:24,121 --> 00:35:27,542
{\an8}Nobody really knows for sure.
1107
00:35:27,625 --> 00:35:29,126
Figure that out.
1108
00:35:29,210 --> 00:35:30,169
[music playing]
1109
00:35:30,253 --> 00:35:31,087
Get out!
1110
00:35:31,170 --> 00:35:32,171
[shrieking]
1111
00:35:31,170 --> 00:35:32,171
[shrieking]
1112
00:35:39,470 --> 00:35:39,887
Hey, hey, hey.
1113
00:35:39,971 --> 00:35:41,597
Hey, hey, hey.
1114
00:35:39,971 --> 00:35:41,597
Hey, hey, hey.
1115
00:35:41,681 --> 00:35:43,057
Let's play the fun glass game.
1116
00:35:43,140 --> 00:35:44,725
I told you I don't want
to play your stupid games.
1117
00:35:44,809 --> 00:35:46,060
You just made that up,
the fun glass game.
1118
00:35:46,143 --> 00:35:49,397
Come on, you just have to guess
which hand the glass is in?
1119
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:53,401
Gee, OK, is it that one?
1120
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:53,401
Gee, OK, is it that one?
1121
00:35:53,484 --> 00:35:56,279
[screaming]
1122
00:35:59,156 --> 00:35:59,907
Was I right?
1123
00:36:02,869 --> 00:36:06,581
You've got blood
on me, thank you.
1124
00:36:02,869 --> 00:36:06,581
You've got blood
on me, thank you.
1125
00:36:06,664 --> 00:36:07,915
Well, you guys have
been a lot of fun.
1126
00:36:07,999 --> 00:36:09,417
I've got one more
trick for you, then
1127
00:36:09,500 --> 00:36:11,419
I got to get out of here
because I got a piece of crap
1128
00:36:09,500 --> 00:36:11,419
I got to get out of here
because I got a piece of crap
1129
00:36:11,502 --> 00:36:12,295
the size of a small dog's head.
1130
00:36:19,260 --> 00:36:22,555
This final trick is
called the razor blades.
1131
00:36:19,260 --> 00:36:22,555
This final trick is
called the razor blades.
1132
00:36:22,638 --> 00:36:25,600
I haven't done this in 10
years, but it's a great trick.
1133
00:36:25,683 --> 00:36:27,393
And I figure I would bring
it back for something
1134
00:36:27,476 --> 00:36:30,062
as special as a special.
1135
00:36:27,476 --> 00:36:30,062
as special as a special.
1136
00:36:30,146 --> 00:36:33,608
Double-edged razors-- not fake.
1137
00:36:33,691 --> 00:36:35,860
Extremely sharp.
1138
00:36:33,691 --> 00:36:35,860
Extremely sharp.
1139
00:36:35,943 --> 00:36:39,155
Watch as I put this in my mouth.
1140
00:36:49,540 --> 00:36:54,545
I'm eating a razor blade for
your entertainment pleasure.
1141
00:36:49,540 --> 00:36:54,545
I'm eating a razor blade for
your entertainment pleasure.
1142
00:36:54,629 --> 00:36:57,548
Not just one-- six.
1143
00:36:57,632 --> 00:36:59,759
No, five.
1144
00:36:57,632 --> 00:36:59,759
No, five.
1145
00:36:59,842 --> 00:37:00,301
Yeah, five.
1146
00:37:00,384 --> 00:37:01,636
Six would be stupid.
1147
00:37:04,555 --> 00:37:07,433
Number two-- watch.
1148
00:37:07,516 --> 00:37:07,558
Just as sharp.
1149
00:37:12,230 --> 00:37:12,355
Tastes like Schick.
1150
00:37:18,110 --> 00:37:21,697
The third blade-- a
little bit different.
1151
00:37:21,781 --> 00:37:24,450
I want you, ma'am,
to come and take
1152
00:37:21,781 --> 00:37:24,450
I want you, ma'am,
to come and take
1153
00:37:24,533 --> 00:37:26,661
this razor blade from my hand.
1154
00:37:26,744 --> 00:37:28,829
Not touching the
edge, of course.
1155
00:37:26,744 --> 00:37:28,829
Not touching the
edge, of course.
1156
00:37:28,913 --> 00:37:29,914
Flat like that.
1157
00:37:29,997 --> 00:37:35,169
Take it and place it on
my tongue-- right there.
1158
00:37:29,997 --> 00:37:35,169
Take it and place it on
my tongue-- right there.
1159
00:37:35,252 --> 00:37:36,170
Flat.
1160
00:37:36,253 --> 00:37:36,879
No.
1161
00:37:36,963 --> 00:37:37,672
Yes.
1162
00:37:37,755 --> 00:37:39,465
No.
1163
00:37:39,548 --> 00:37:39,757
No.
1164
00:37:39,840 --> 00:37:41,217
Yes.
1165
00:37:39,840 --> 00:37:41,217
Yes.
1166
00:37:44,679 --> 00:37:45,179
OK, don't slide it.
1167
00:37:45,262 --> 00:37:46,681
Just put it flat down.
1168
00:37:45,262 --> 00:37:46,681
Just put it flat down.
1169
00:37:52,561 --> 00:37:54,689
You nicked me a
little, didn't you?
1170
00:37:54,772 --> 00:37:55,314
It's OK, it's just a small nick.
1171
00:38:00,444 --> 00:38:01,529
It doesn't hurt.
1172
00:38:01,612 --> 00:38:05,908
[groaning]
1173
00:38:01,612 --> 00:38:05,908
[groaning]
1174
00:38:09,620 --> 00:38:13,082
OK, wait.
1175
00:38:09,620 --> 00:38:13,082
OK, wait.
1176
00:38:13,165 --> 00:38:16,627
It doesn't matter
how you do it now.
1177
00:38:13,165 --> 00:38:16,627
It doesn't matter
how you do it now.
1178
00:38:16,711 --> 00:38:19,338
You can shoot it in there
with a goddamn slingshot now.
1179
00:38:23,926 --> 00:38:24,802
OK, good.
1180
00:38:24,885 --> 00:38:27,054
Thank you very much.
1181
00:38:27,138 --> 00:38:33,060
Now, when I'm doing this
at kid's birthday parties,
1182
00:38:27,138 --> 00:38:33,060
Now, when I'm doing this
at kid's birthday parties,
1183
00:38:33,144 --> 00:38:37,398
I always tell the little
bastards don't do this at home.
1184
00:38:33,144 --> 00:38:37,398
I always tell the little
bastards don't do this at home.
1185
00:38:37,481 --> 00:38:40,234
Go to your neighbors.
1186
00:38:37,481 --> 00:38:40,234
Go to your neighbors.
1187
00:38:40,317 --> 00:38:41,068
There's some skin.
1188
00:38:45,614 --> 00:38:47,825
Now--
1189
00:38:45,614 --> 00:38:47,825
Now--
1190
00:38:47,908 --> 00:38:48,784
[chokes]
1191
00:38:49,660 --> 00:38:49,702
Kidding around.
1192
00:38:54,165 --> 00:38:55,583
Now I don't hide the
razor blades in my mouth.
1193
00:38:55,666 --> 00:38:59,462
I don't spit them in the cup
when I take a fake drink.
1194
00:38:55,666 --> 00:38:59,462
I don't spit them in the cup
when I take a fake drink.
1195
00:38:59,545 --> 00:39:01,422
They're gone.
1196
00:39:01,505 --> 00:39:02,256
They're here.
1197
00:39:02,339 --> 00:39:07,053
The technical term
is in the throat.
1198
00:39:02,339 --> 00:39:07,053
The technical term
is in the throat.
1199
00:39:07,136 --> 00:39:11,057
Now, the last and final
blade-- the hardest one of all.
1200
00:39:07,136 --> 00:39:11,057
Now, the last and final
blade-- the hardest one of all.
1201
00:39:11,140 --> 00:39:14,643
And then something--
shit, I can't pick it up.
1202
00:39:14,727 --> 00:39:15,352
OK, there it is.
1203
00:39:15,436 --> 00:39:15,936
Come on, you little bastard.
1204
00:39:16,020 --> 00:39:19,607
It's stuck to the table.
1205
00:39:16,020 --> 00:39:19,607
It's stuck to the table.
1206
00:39:19,690 --> 00:39:20,775
There.
1207
00:39:20,858 --> 00:39:21,942
Now watch.
1208
00:39:22,026 --> 00:39:22,777
The last blade.
1209
00:39:22,026 --> 00:39:22,777
The last blade.
1210
00:39:26,655 --> 00:39:28,741
What's the point of all this?
1211
00:39:26,655 --> 00:39:28,741
What's the point of all this?
1212
00:39:28,824 --> 00:39:29,450
Here, this.
1213
00:39:29,533 --> 00:39:32,787
Three feet of cotton thread.
1214
00:39:32,870 --> 00:39:33,579
Watch.
1215
00:39:40,711 --> 00:39:43,964
I'll tell you when I'm kidding.
1216
00:39:44,048 --> 00:39:44,882
Now check this out.
1217
00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:48,135
Oh, shit.
1218
00:39:48,219 --> 00:39:48,552
Thread cut.
1219
00:39:54,058 --> 00:39:58,312
Now, give me some music.
1220
00:39:54,058 --> 00:39:58,312
Now, give me some music.
1221
00:39:58,395 --> 00:39:59,021
Watch.
1222
00:39:59,105 --> 00:40:02,233
[music playing]
1223
00:40:02,316 --> 00:40:03,275
[groans]
1224
00:40:28,759 --> 00:40:32,429
[applause]
1225
00:40:35,683 --> 00:40:38,602
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you
all very much for coming out!
1226
00:40:45,985 --> 00:40:48,028
Thank you.
1227
00:40:45,985 --> 00:40:48,028
Thank you.
1228
00:40:48,112 --> 00:40:52,908
Thank you to Tanya,
queen of the night!
1229
00:40:48,112 --> 00:40:52,908
Thank you to Tanya,
queen of the night!
1230
00:40:57,955 --> 00:41:02,418
If you had a great time,
I'm The Amazing Johnathan.
1231
00:40:57,955 --> 00:41:02,418
If you had a great time,
I'm The Amazing Johnathan.
1232
00:41:02,501 --> 00:41:06,088
If you haven't, well, then
that's Penn, my name is Teller.
1233
00:41:02,501 --> 00:41:06,088
If you haven't, well, then
that's Penn, my name is Teller.
1234
00:41:06,172 --> 00:41:07,006
Good night, everybody.
1235
00:41:07,089 --> 00:41:10,551
Thank you all very much.
1236
00:41:07,089 --> 00:41:10,551
Thank you all very much.
76898
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof