Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,293
- The zombies have
broken through!
2
00:00:02,419 --> 00:00:04,212
I repeat, zombies!
3
00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:07,256
- Aah!
- Oh, my God!
4
00:00:07,383 --> 00:00:10,009
Tommy's been bit!
5
00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:13,137
[Audio slows down]
6
00:00:18,811 --> 00:00:19,852
[Audio at normal speed]
7
00:00:19,978 --> 00:00:21,062
- Aah, damn!
8
00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:22,814
[Screams in background]
9
00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:24,607
Damn it!
No, no, no!
10
00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:26,651
- What are you waiting for?
You know what you have to do!
11
00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:28,027
- No, I ca...
I ca... I can't do it.
12
00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:29,696
- D... do what?
13
00:00:29,822 --> 00:00:31,447
- You have to do it!
He's been bit!
14
00:00:31,573 --> 00:00:34,701
- Yes... aah!
Aah! Unh! Aah!
15
00:00:34,827 --> 00:00:36,494
- No, no, no!
- Forgive me, Tommy!
16
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:37,912
- No, no, no, no, no!
17
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:41,040
[All screaming]
18
00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:44,919
- [Panting]
19
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,629
- [Crying] Oh, no!
20
00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:48,381
- Aah!
21
00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:52,468
I ca... I can't believe
the zombies bit him!
22
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:57,765
- [Crying] It wasn't
a zombie, it was a raccoon.
23
00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:00,184
[Crying]
24
00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:06,733
Zombies and raccoons, right?
25
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:13,489
No, it's just zombies?
26
00:01:13,615 --> 00:01:16,492
[Crying]
27
00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:19,746
Oh, shit,
you just killed Tommy.
28
00:01:19,872 --> 00:01:20,955
[Soul music]
29
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:29,088
♪ ♪
30
00:01:39,683 --> 00:01:44,771
[cheers and applause]
31
00:01:44,897 --> 00:01:46,522
- Yeah!
32
00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:48,357
Thank you!
33
00:01:48,484 --> 00:01:49,859
- Thank you.
34
00:01:49,985 --> 00:01:52,195
- Welcome to the show everybody,
I am Keegan.
35
00:01:52,321 --> 00:01:53,613
- And I am Jordan.
36
00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:55,031
- And this is Key & Peele.
- Yes.
37
00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:56,949
- So thanks for coming out.
- Thank you.
38
00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:59,202
Now I just wanna
start off by saying
39
00:01:59,328 --> 00:02:01,245
we are huge horror movie fans.
- Yes.
40
00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:03,206
- We love horror movies.
- We love the slashers.
41
00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:05,124
- Don't know if anybody's seen...
- Skite... skite... skite... skite!
42
00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:07,251
- Yeah, that's
our jam right there.
43
00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:09,212
[Laughter]
44
00:02:09,338 --> 00:02:10,797
- I don't know if anyone's
seen that movie Candyman?
45
00:02:10,923 --> 00:02:13,466
That's one
of our favorites, Candyman.
46
00:02:13,592 --> 00:02:17,136
That's the movie where you
say "Candyman" five times
47
00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:20,181
into a mirror in the bathroom,
and a black dude
48
00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:22,558
from the 19th century
with a hook for a hand
49
00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:25,478
and bees all over his face
comes out, and he kills you.
50
00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:27,897
That's just relevant because
if you watched that movie,
51
00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:30,274
and you went home and you
said "Candyman" five times
52
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,736
into a mirror,
you are a white person.
53
00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:35,446
- Yes, a black person
would never do that.
54
00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:36,906
- Nope, we don't do that.
55
00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:38,908
- We do not take chances
with the supernatural.
56
00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:40,743
Just in case.
57
00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:42,578
- Well, the last thing that came
along that we didn't understand
58
00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:44,413
ended up bringing us to America,
so that was kind of
59
00:02:44,540 --> 00:02:46,082
a fucked up situation.
60
00:02:46,208 --> 00:02:50,127
[Laughter]
61
00:02:50,254 --> 00:02:53,005
That's why street magicians,
like, on the street...
62
00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:55,883
Like, a black person,
we will just excuse ourselves...
63
00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,468
- Oh, no, we will
vacate the premises.
64
00:02:57,594 --> 00:02:59,512
- From that whole situation.
It would be like this...
65
00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:00,763
"Was the four
of clubs your card?"
66
00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:03,057
- "Oh, hell no.
You a demon, so..."
67
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:09,313
- But, babe, moving out?
68
00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:12,316
Please, this
is the worst possible time.
69
00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,443
Please don't do this.
70
00:03:14,570 --> 00:03:15,903
Babe?
71
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:20,575
[Sighs]
72
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:23,411
- Garbage.
- Huh?
73
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:24,704
- Can I take your garbage?
74
00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:28,040
- Yeah, sure.
75
00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:29,458
- [Chuckles]
76
00:03:29,585 --> 00:03:34,672
You know, I find
the more garbage in the can,
77
00:03:34,798 --> 00:03:40,094
the better it feels
to dump it all out.
78
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,263
I suppose that's
why we let it get so full
79
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:46,350
in the first place.
80
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:49,604
So we can start over.
81
00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:57,320
- Here to fix the copier.
- Yeah, sure, sure.
82
00:03:57,446 --> 00:03:59,030
Hey, how did you...
83
00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:01,157
- Sometimes things
ain't really broken.
84
00:04:01,283 --> 00:04:03,492
It's the way
we treat 'em
85
00:04:03,619 --> 00:04:07,038
that needs to be fixed.
86
00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:10,082
[Machine starts]
87
00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:14,503
Heh.
[Whistles]
88
00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:18,883
[Chuckles]
89
00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:20,885
- Who the hell
are you guys?
90
00:04:21,011 --> 00:04:25,806
Both: The important question
is who are you, Steve?
91
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:28,601
[Ominous music]
92
00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:32,897
- Well, if it
isn't Mr. Stanley.
93
00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:35,566
- Carl.
94
00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:38,569
[Ominous music continues]
95
00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:40,112
♪ ♪
96
00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:43,824
- You need to find
your own troubled white boy.
97
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:52,959
- I was here first.
98
00:04:58,048 --> 00:04:59,090
Copycat!
99
00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:02,760
- Aagh!
[Coughs]
100
00:05:02,886 --> 00:05:04,553
[Heavy breathing]
101
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,097
Sweep this...
102
00:05:06,223 --> 00:05:07,306
bitch!
103
00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:09,308
- Unh!
104
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:13,771
- [Chuckles]
105
00:05:16,108 --> 00:05:17,149
Uh-oh.
- Hah!
106
00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:19,485
- Whoa! Unh!
[Groans]
107
00:05:19,611 --> 00:05:21,821
- [Chuckles]
108
00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:37,086
- Damn!
109
00:05:37,212 --> 00:05:38,254
Chesterfield!
110
00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:41,716
[Whistles, bird screeches]
111
00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:44,010
Both:
There can be only one
112
00:05:44,136 --> 00:05:46,554
magical negro!
113
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,765
Hunh!
114
00:05:53,311 --> 00:05:56,188
[Intense opera music]
115
00:05:56,314 --> 00:06:03,237
♪ ♪
116
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:07,825
- [wild whistling]
117
00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:10,953
Both: Yaarrgh!
118
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,709
[Horns honking,
car alarms blaring]
119
00:06:26,178 --> 00:06:27,678
- Good lord.
120
00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:31,098
Are you all right?
121
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:36,312
Well, I guess sometimes
things have to come apart
122
00:06:36,438 --> 00:06:39,315
before we can put
'em back together again.
123
00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:42,818
- Oh, you're
a magical negro too.
124
00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:46,405
- Who you callin' "negro,"
bitch?
125
00:06:51,661 --> 00:06:53,871
- So Keegan's the nicest
guy in the world.
126
00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:55,456
Too nice, though.
- You think I'm too nice.
127
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,166
- Sometimes you're too nice.
- Okay.
128
00:06:57,292 --> 00:06:58,876
- That one time
we went to a restaurant.
129
00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:01,378
We're starving, and
we are going to a restaurant,
130
00:07:01,505 --> 00:07:03,005
and there is a woman
outside the door
131
00:07:03,131 --> 00:07:04,507
of the restaurant
with a clipboard
132
00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:06,175
talking about giving money
for homeless kids.
133
00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:07,551
- Very nice girl,
Very sweet girl.
134
00:07:07,677 --> 00:07:08,761
- I don't care,
I don't care.
135
00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:09,929
- Very sweet.
- Of course she's sweet.
136
00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:11,472
I don't care.
137
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:13,974
You do not stop for a bitch
with a clipboard.
138
00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,310
- Jordan...
- Don't do it, Keegan.
139
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:17,770
- Let's talk about
what you did.
140
00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:19,313
Let's talk about
what he did for a second.
141
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,773
This is my man right here...
my man just said,
142
00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:22,233
"Just so you know,
it's a no for me."
143
00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:23,859
[Imitates doorbell]
144
00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:27,655
Excuse me,
uh-huh, mm-hmm.
145
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,073
- Look at that.
- Mm-mm, mm-mm.
146
00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:30,533
Mm, thank you, mm!
147
00:07:30,659 --> 00:07:31,700
- Well, that's because...
No, that's because
148
00:07:31,827 --> 00:07:32,868
you have to know...
149
00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:34,453
- Yeah, mm-hmm, mmm!
150
00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:35,746
- That's because I know he's
gonna be out there
151
00:07:35,872 --> 00:07:37,081
for the next 48 minutes
talking about,
152
00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:39,041
"Fascinating, fascinating.
153
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,460
"Why aren't these kids housed?
154
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:43,212
"What's wrong?
I wanna know.
155
00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:44,547
"I wanna know
all the info.
156
00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:45,923
"What are their names?
One at a time.
157
00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:47,508
"Give them to me,
alphabetical.
158
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,176
"No, I'll remember them.
I have a good memory.
159
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:52,096
"I'll give you my email,
I'll give you my sosh.
160
00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:53,430
Do they have
a father figure?"
161
00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:55,641
"My name's Keegan.
162
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,184
I'll give it to 'em."
163
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,353
[Laughter]
164
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,147
- All right.
Where you headed, youngster?
165
00:08:01,273 --> 00:08:04,150
- Yeah I'm headed to
the Cobo building on Jefferson.
166
00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:06,318
- All right, yeah,
Cobo Hall, Jefferson Avenue.
167
00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:08,612
Mm-hmm.
168
00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:10,781
So, uh, what
you in Detroit for?
169
00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:12,449
- Uh, gotta
do a presentation.
170
00:08:12,576 --> 00:08:16,745
- All right, okay.
Yeah, a presentation, okay.
171
00:08:16,872 --> 00:08:18,414
What are you presenting?
172
00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:20,875
- Uh, actually
it's about how market research
173
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,836
can be interpreted
with out-of-the-box solutions.
174
00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:25,004
- Oh, all right,
so you're gonna get this all
175
00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:28,340
outside the box, all right.
176
00:08:28,466 --> 00:08:30,050
- Most people
think that all customers
177
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:31,844
are a single demographic.
178
00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:33,721
- Oh, okay, you're trying
to get all them demographics
179
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,139
up in here, all right.
180
00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:37,141
All right, yeah.
181
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:39,310
- Online trends
are less linear than...
182
00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:42,605
- Oh, okay, online...
trends.
183
00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:45,357
Linear, mm-hmm.
184
00:08:45,483 --> 00:08:47,359
- [Scoffs]
185
00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:50,321
I'm also thinking about
doing the presentation naked.
186
00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:51,697
- Ooh.
- Just no clothes on.
187
00:08:51,823 --> 00:08:53,532
- Oh, yeah, yeah,
naked presentation.
188
00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:55,367
No clothes on, that's good.
189
00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:58,162
- Afterward, I might
just piss on the floor
190
00:08:58,288 --> 00:08:59,455
in front of everyone.
191
00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:00,998
- Oh, yeah,
okay, all right.
192
00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:02,208
Pissing right there
up in front of everybody.
193
00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:03,959
All right, sounds good.
194
00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:05,836
- Then I might just
shoot everybody in the place,
195
00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,213
you know.
196
00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:08,714
With the gun
I'm hiding in my ass.
197
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:09,924
- Yeah, yeah,
gun way up in that ass.
198
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,634
That's the way
to do it.
199
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,886
- Cut my victims' faces off,
wear them as masks.
200
00:09:14,012 --> 00:09:15,971
- Mm-hmm, yeah,
masks go on the face.
201
00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:18,390
Uh-huh.
Yeah, okay.
202
00:09:18,516 --> 00:09:20,809
- [Speaking German] Ich bin
ein schein. Heil Hitler.
203
00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:23,395
- Yep, okay,
heil Hitler to you too.
204
00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:24,730
- Heh.
205
00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:27,858
- All right, here we are.
206
00:09:30,195 --> 00:09:31,904
Oh, by the way.
207
00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:34,323
When you kill those people
with your ass gun,
208
00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:35,950
make sure to use
a serrated blade
209
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,243
to cut their faces off.
210
00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:38,869
[Ominous music]
211
00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:42,164
Auf wiedersehen.
212
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:45,167
[German national anthem]
213
00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:48,170
♪ ♪
214
00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:56,595
- Call my agent.
215
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,347
[Cell phone ringing]
216
00:09:58,473 --> 00:10:00,224
- Jaden Pinkett Smith, my man.
217
00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:01,809
- What up, Clyde?
218
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:04,186
Hey look, man, I'm gonna
be real with you okay?
219
00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:07,273
This Alien Boy script,
I'm not feelin' it.
220
00:10:07,399 --> 00:10:09,733
I mean, it's hard
being Will Smith's son.
221
00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:13,487
I just wanna make sure
my next project reflects
222
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,322
that I'm a down-to-earth,
normal kid.
223
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:16,907
Am I making any sense?
224
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,909
- Yeah, yeah,
I'm reading you loud and clear.
225
00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:21,745
I've got a script right here,
very real, called Street Ball.
226
00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:23,914
- Talk to me.
- Okay, so you play Tony.
227
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,541
He's a kid from the streets,
lives in the hood
228
00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:27,084
in a house
with his mom.
229
00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:29,628
- Stop.
230
00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:30,796
House?
231
00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:31,964
Oh, it's like a...
232
00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:34,341
tiny mansion.
- Got it, go on.
233
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,218
- So his mom and he,
uh, they live in this house
234
00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:37,845
and she works
at a supermarket.
235
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:39,388
- Stop.
236
00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:41,724
- Oh, yeah, a supermarket's
like a mansion,
237
00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:43,559
uh, but it's full of food,
and anyone can go there.
238
00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:46,103
- So, like,
where the butlers go?
239
00:10:46,229 --> 00:10:48,063
- Yeah, basically.
So he, uh...
240
00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:49,315
- And wait.
241
00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:51,358
You said his mom
was doing something
242
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:52,735
at the supermarket?
243
00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:55,404
- Working.
- So...
244
00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:57,906
- Working is kind of like acting
on a set every day
245
00:10:58,033 --> 00:10:59,700
in a film that
no one's ever gonna see.
246
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:01,535
And it lasts
for the rest of your life.
247
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,287
- Oh, like a maid!
248
00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:04,997
- Yeah, yeah, she's like
the maid of the supermarket.
249
00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:06,790
- Awesome, continue.
250
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:09,209
- So anyway, Tony doesn't
make the basketball team, right?
251
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:10,627
So he decides to start
playing pickup games
252
00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:12,463
of street ball outside.
253
00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:16,425
- So he plays basketball
in his plane?
254
00:11:16,551 --> 00:11:17,843
- No, on the ground.
255
00:11:17,969 --> 00:11:19,345
- In his limo?
256
00:11:19,471 --> 00:11:21,305
- No, uh, outside
is that stuff
257
00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:23,640
that goes by when
you're inside the limo.
258
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:25,100
- Oh, snap!
259
00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:27,186
He plays basketball
outside the limo door?
260
00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:28,604
- Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
261
00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:30,731
So then he gets
really good at basketball,
262
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,524
and then blah-blah
blah-blah-blah, fast forward.
263
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:35,736
At the heart of the story, Tony
has to choose between his mom...
264
00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:38,822
- Choose.
265
00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:41,158
- Yeah, "choose" is when
you have to make a decision
266
00:11:41,284 --> 00:11:44,620
between two things you want,
but you can have only one.
267
00:11:44,746 --> 00:11:48,332
- But... there's two.
268
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:52,044
- Yeah, but, I mean,
he can't have both.
269
00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:55,297
- [Scoffs] What'd I say
about science fiction, Clyde?
270
00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:57,174
It's a no.
271
00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:59,635
- Okay, we'll pass.
272
00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:00,803
Achoo!
273
00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:02,763
- Dad bless you.
- Thanks.
274
00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:07,810
[Intense newscast music]
275
00:12:07,936 --> 00:12:09,311
- Welcome to the show.
276
00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:10,854
Tonight we are a full hour
on Baby Prudence,
277
00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:12,773
the child who
was abducted yesterday.
278
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:15,317
We have the 911 call
and the last taken home video
279
00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:16,527
of Baby Pru.
280
00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,112
We have reporters
in the field
281
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,572
as hundreds of people
are searching for...
282
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:21,949
What's that?
They found her?
283
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:25,285
She's fine?
Well fuck me! Gaa!
284
00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:29,581
♪ ♪
285
00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:33,043
- Uh, so I have been married,
uh, for 13 years.
286
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:34,211
[Cheers and applause]
287
00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:38,715
Thank you,
thank you.
288
00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:40,968
I'm very happily married.
- Gross.
289
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:43,387
- [Sighs]
- No, no, no.
290
00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:45,597
Your marriage is beautiful.
Your marriage is not gross.
291
00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:48,350
But for me,
that is not an option, marriage.
292
00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:50,894
- Okay, yeah, Jordan
is not a big fan of marriage.
293
00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:53,856
For Jordan, marriage is, um...
- The end of life.
294
00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:55,149
- Yes.
295
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,151
The end of life.
- That, yes, yes.
296
00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:58,402
I don't get tattoos either,
by the way.
297
00:12:58,528 --> 00:13:00,237
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay?
298
00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:02,781
To me, marriage seems like
getting a tattoo that's alive
299
00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:05,409
and makes you wait to watch
the next episode of everything.
300
00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:07,161
I don't want that.
- See, and I don't care.
301
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:10,205
I just as soon wait for my wife
so we can watch it together.
302
00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:11,498
[Audience aaws]
303
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:12,666
- Ew.
304
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:13,917
[Laughter]
305
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,712
No, no!
306
00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:18,505
But, okay, I like
to go to Amsterdam, for example.
307
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:19,673
- Yes, mm-hmm.
- Every now and then.
308
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:20,841
[Cheers and applause]
309
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:22,676
- Thank you!
310
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,803
When you... when you get married,
you can't go to Amsterdam.
311
00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,096
- Oh, yes, you can.
- No.
312
00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:27,890
- I can go to Amsterdam
with my wife.
313
00:13:28,016 --> 00:13:29,516
- Yes,
but you can't Amsterdam.
314
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,143
[Laughter]
315
00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:34,229
- Oh, well...
316
00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:36,106
- The mood is infectious
and exciting today
317
00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:37,816
as people from
all walks of life
318
00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:39,568
celebrate becoming
the seventh state
319
00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:41,195
to legalize gay marriage.
320
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,030
We're here talking
to excited couples about
321
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,949
how they feel
on this historic day.
322
00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:47,367
Oh, hi.
- Hi, hi.
323
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:48,827
Uh, yeah, it's
a very historic day
324
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:49,995
for civil rights.
325
00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:51,413
- Whoo!
- And for gay Americans.
326
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,956
And Americans
all over the country...
327
00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:56,335
- Whoo! We're gonna
get married! Yeah!
328
00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:58,462
- Well, you know, wait...
- [screams]
329
00:13:58,588 --> 00:14:00,547
- We said that
it would be a conversation,
330
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:01,882
you know what I mean?
Because we didn't know
331
00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:03,634
this was gonna pass
so darn fast.
332
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,594
- Oh, my God!
- So are you guys a couple?
333
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:06,929
- [Laughs]
Are we a couple?
334
00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:08,514
Come on, girl,
let's get serious.
335
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,557
- No, it's just so fast.
- My name is Lashawn.
336
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:13,602
And this is right here
is my "Samwich."
337
00:14:13,728 --> 00:14:15,687
- It's, uh, Samuel, yeah.
- [Laughs]
338
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:18,357
And we're gonna
get married! Yeah!
339
00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:19,691
- That's so great.
340
00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:21,151
How long have you guys
been together?
341
00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:22,903
- Well, we've been...
- Three years.
342
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:25,113
It's been forever,
we've been waiting forever!
343
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,783
- It's really important
to know the person...
344
00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:30,786
- Who is the bride?
I am the bride.
345
00:14:30,912 --> 00:14:32,204
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do!
[Laughs]
346
00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:33,997
- Oh, well tell us
all about your plans.
347
00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:35,958
- You know, we never thought
it was important to have
348
00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:37,793
a piece of paper,
so there's not any plans...
349
00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:39,294
- Oh, yeah!
Piece of paper!
350
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:40,837
We're gonna get
that piece of paper, Sammy!
351
00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:42,881
- Yeah, yeah.
- That piece of paper!
352
00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:44,841
- Where do you think
you guys will get married?
353
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,718
- You know, there's a lot
of hidden costs in a wedding...
354
00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:48,095
- Oh, everywhere!
355
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:49,596
We're gonna
get married over here
356
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:52,015
and over there
and in the sky and on a cloud.
357
00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:53,934
- Oh, wow, it sounds like
it's gonna be a big wedding.
358
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,644
- Well, you know it's just
a conversation that we have...
359
00:14:55,770 --> 00:15:00,315
- Girl, we're gonna rent
the moon and fill it with roses!
360
00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:02,693
- We really need to talk
about whether or not we think
361
00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:04,820
it's fair to even get married
when it's still illegal
362
00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:06,238
in so many
other states...
363
00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:07,614
- You see? Look at him!
364
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,408
That's my man
with his big heart.
365
00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:12,327
I'm sorry, my husband.
You my husband now.
366
00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:13,870
- Well, we just...
- You my husband now, bitch.
367
00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:15,747
- We just don't wanna
rush into anything,
368
00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:17,082
because stuff
gets overturned.
369
00:15:17,208 --> 00:15:18,709
Remember what happened
in California.
370
00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:20,419
- Baby, I'm gonna
get a 14-karat ring
371
00:15:20,545 --> 00:15:22,838
the size
of 14 motherfuckin' carrots.
372
00:15:22,964 --> 00:15:25,591
That's what's up, doc!
[Smacking lips]
373
00:15:25,717 --> 00:15:27,509
- Well, you two
certainly seem excited.
374
00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:29,469
- Yeah, do we seem excited?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
375
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:30,887
- Oh, okay.
- Congratulations.
376
00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:32,889
I hope you guys
have a wonderful life together.
377
00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:34,891
- We just... we really just
didn't think it was gonna pass.
378
00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:37,936
- We're gonna have a house
that's shaped like a unicorn,
379
00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:39,396
and we're gonna
have five little girls.
380
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:42,357
Their names are gonna be
Etnie, Carousel, Sequin,
381
00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:43,942
Abercrombie, and Phantom.
382
00:15:44,068 --> 00:15:46,403
And we're gonna
have a little dog named Ruffalo.
383
00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:48,947
And the dog gonna
have a cat named Myriad.
384
00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:52,909
[Intense newscast music]
385
00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:54,202
- And we have breaking news.
386
00:15:54,329 --> 00:15:56,038
Baby Lakisha has gone missing.
387
00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:57,831
For the next hour we will...
what's that? Nobody cares?
388
00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:00,167
Moving on, let's check in
with baby Prudence.
389
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:03,295
Her 14th day home,
and she's still safe and sound.
390
00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:09,926
- No, I definitely...
I am very happily married,
391
00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:11,511
but I have to say
that there are times
392
00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:13,347
in a relationship where
you have to use psychology,
393
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:14,681
you know,
to get what you want.
394
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,224
- Oh, definitely.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
395
00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:17,643
- I know exactly...
I mean, I have a girlfriend,
396
00:16:17,769 --> 00:16:19,019
so I know what
you're talking about.
397
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:20,479
For me it's when
I'm watching HBO,
398
00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:23,565
and the girl takes her top off
in the HBO show,
399
00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:24,983
which is inevitable.
400
00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:27,653
And the only way
I can continue watching the show
401
00:16:27,779 --> 00:16:29,237
is if I preempt her.
402
00:16:29,364 --> 00:16:30,572
I'm like, "Oh, see,
that's just a shame
403
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:32,032
"she feels like
she has to do that.
404
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:34,576
[Laughter]
405
00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:36,620
"It's just a shame.
It's gratuitous, is what it is.
406
00:16:36,746 --> 00:16:38,455
[Laughter]
407
00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:40,791
I don't even wanna watch...
We can watch it, but you know."
408
00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:43,418
[Laughter]
409
00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:44,670
- Oh, man.
410
00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:46,797
What I do,
I like to walk my dogs.
411
00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:49,966
But I pretend like
I hate walking my dogs.
412
00:16:50,093 --> 00:16:52,844
Because one hour of dog walking
equals five hours of football.
413
00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:54,721
- Yes, smart.
414
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:58,475
- So I'll come in the door
just talking about, Ooh! Ooh!
415
00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:00,352
- Right.
416
00:17:00,478 --> 00:17:02,771
- Ooh!
- Yeah, you gotta play it up.
417
00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:05,857
- My hammies!
- Yeah, yeah, you gotta...
418
00:17:05,983 --> 00:17:08,610
Very smart.
- Oh! Five hours of football.
419
00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:10,445
- So you sort of bank
the favor, in a way.
420
00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:12,280
- So, yeah,
I bank the favor.
421
00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:13,865
- Which is kind of...
Another thing I do
422
00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:15,867
is I will bank a complaint.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
423
00:17:15,993 --> 00:17:18,870
- Yeah, if she does something
I don't really care about
424
00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:22,124
if she did it,
but I will wait.
425
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:24,084
And I will wait until
she calls me out on some shit
426
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:25,627
to bring it up.
427
00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:26,878
- Yeah, yeah.
- You know what I'm saying?
428
00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:28,255
- So if she
says to you, um,
429
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:29,589
"Why'd you leave
the toilet seat up?"
430
00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:31,633
- Bitch, why was
you late last week,
431
00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:34,261
and I ain't say nothing?
432
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:37,222
I was gonna let
that shit slide!
433
00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:38,724
- That's very good.
I'm gonna try that.
434
00:17:38,850 --> 00:17:40,308
- Yeah.
435
00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:45,689
- Now, first,
let me just say
436
00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:48,859
that I'm encouraged that so many
of you from the Republican party
437
00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:52,154
have agreed
to meet me in this way.
438
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,531
Now, as you know,
I've tried very hard
439
00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:56,533
to reach across the aisle
440
00:17:56,659 --> 00:17:58,618
and govern this country
from the middle.
441
00:17:58,745 --> 00:17:59,786
- Well...
442
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:03,290
all due respect,
Mr. President,
443
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,709
we disagree with you.
444
00:18:05,835 --> 00:18:08,628
- We think you should
run the country from...
445
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:10,380
not the middle.
446
00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:12,924
- Well,
that's why we're here.
447
00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:15,302
If you would, I'd just
appreciate some feedback
448
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:17,971
on some new ideas
and directions for this country.
449
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:21,349
Feel free to agree
or disagree.
450
00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:23,268
Whatever you want.
451
00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:24,936
- We're gonna disagree.
452
00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:26,313
[Chuckling and murmuring]
453
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:28,607
- Yeah, disagree.
- Disagree.
454
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:30,358
- [Whispering]
Disagree.
455
00:18:30,485 --> 00:18:34,196
- First, I think
the government is too big.
456
00:18:34,322 --> 00:18:36,198
I think we need
to shrink the size
457
00:18:36,324 --> 00:18:38,909
of the federal government
so that all decisions
458
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,786
can be made
at the state level.
459
00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:42,788
- We disagree, Mr. President.
460
00:18:42,914 --> 00:18:45,123
- Mm-hmm.
461
00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:47,667
- You drive
a hard bargain, you win.
462
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:50,128
[Chuckling]
463
00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:52,589
- There we go.
464
00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:55,509
- Big government it is.
465
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:57,636
[Classical music]
466
00:18:57,762 --> 00:18:59,179
- All right, next up, this
has been a hot button issue,
467
00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:01,515
but I think we can
settle it right here.
468
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:04,976
No taxes for rich people.
469
00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:06,228
- We completely disagree!
470
00:19:06,354 --> 00:19:08,021
- Round two
goes to you guys.
471
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,189
[Uncomfortable chuckling]
472
00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:11,107
- Okay.
- Uh-huh.
473
00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:13,109
- More taxes
for the rich.
474
00:19:13,236 --> 00:19:14,736
- What the fuck!
475
00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:17,531
- What is happening to us?
476
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:19,783
- Man, I am taking
a beating here, guys.
477
00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:22,661
All right, last issue...
immigration.
478
00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:25,497
Now, we need
to secure our borders.
479
00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:28,124
And anybody
who's here illegally
480
00:19:28,251 --> 00:19:30,585
should be hunted down
and deported.
481
00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:35,298
- [Straining and gagging]
482
00:19:35,424 --> 00:19:37,467
We disagree!
483
00:19:39,804 --> 00:19:43,056
[Crying]
484
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:46,017
- We are country of immigrants!
No!
485
00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:49,062
- We need a clear path
to citizenship
486
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,356
for all of those
who are already here!
487
00:19:51,482 --> 00:19:53,900
Aah!
Help me!
488
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:57,904
[Crying, screaming]
489
00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:03,201
- Great,
I love your ideas.
490
00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:06,204
Lastly, we cannot
regulate firearms.
491
00:20:06,330 --> 00:20:08,331
- [Muffled]
Yes, we can!
492
00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:11,251
All: Yes, we can!
Yes, we can!
493
00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:14,337
Yes, we can!
Yes, we can!
494
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:15,797
[Crying]
495
00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:18,091
- All right, all right.
If you guys say so.
496
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:21,511
And nobody better
throw me a cigarette.
497
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,893
Ain't I a stinker?
498
00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:37,861
[Cheers and applause]
499
00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:41,615
- Oh, hell no, you a demon!
No, no, you a demon.
500
00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:44,075
- Good night, everybody!
Thank you!
501
00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:47,954
[Cheers and applause]
502
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,957
- ♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
503
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:54,085
- Oh, yeah.
504
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,797
- When you get married,
you can't hang out with a girl
505
00:20:57,924 --> 00:20:58,965
who is just
a friend anymore.
506
00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,717
- No, no, that's not true.
507
00:21:00,843 --> 00:21:03,345
There are some women out there
who are more than willing
508
00:21:03,471 --> 00:21:05,096
to let you hang out
with your female friends.
509
00:21:05,222 --> 00:21:07,349
- Okay, well, when
I meet that mythical bitch...
510
00:21:07,475 --> 00:21:09,726
my knee will hit the floor.
36758
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof