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1
00:00:02,627 --> 00:00:05,253
- Because you're my wife
and you love the theater,
2
00:00:05,380 --> 00:00:08,006
and, uh,
it's your birthday.
3
00:00:08,132 --> 00:00:09,675
Great.
4
00:00:09,801 --> 00:00:12,969
Unfortunately the orchestra's
already filled up,
5
00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:14,805
but they do have seats
that are still left
6
00:00:14,931 --> 00:00:16,556
in the dress circle.
7
00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:18,475
So if you want to, uh, me to get
them theater tickets right now,
8
00:00:18,601 --> 00:00:19,685
I'ma do it right now.
9
00:00:19,811 --> 00:00:20,852
- What's up, dog?
10
00:00:20,978 --> 00:00:22,020
I'm about five minutes away.
11
00:00:22,146 --> 00:00:23,563
- Yeah, okay.
Yeah, cool.
12
00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:25,148
No, they all good singers,
they all good singers.
13
00:00:25,274 --> 00:00:26,566
- Yeah, son. Nah, man,
I'm telling you, man,
14
00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:28,193
I'm about
to cross the street, man.
15
00:00:28,319 --> 00:00:29,361
- No, they got that one dude
in it that you love, man.
16
00:00:29,487 --> 00:00:31,029
He gon' be in it, yeah...
17
00:00:31,155 --> 00:00:32,781
- Come on, man, you know
I'm almost there, all right?
18
00:00:32,907 --> 00:00:33,990
- Right, no, I'ma pick
your ass up at 6:30, then.
19
00:00:34,117 --> 00:00:35,659
- Cool.
- Cool.
20
00:00:35,785 --> 00:00:37,869
All right, yeah, yeah,
yeah, the parking is, uh,
21
00:00:37,995 --> 00:00:39,788
the parking's free.
22
00:00:39,914 --> 00:00:41,206
- [Effeminate]
Oh, my God, Christian.
23
00:00:41,332 --> 00:00:43,917
I almost totally
just got mugged right now.
24
00:00:44,043 --> 00:00:46,920
[Soul music]
25
00:00:47,046 --> 00:00:55,053
♪ ♪
26
00:01:03,688 --> 00:01:06,565
[cheers and applause]
27
00:01:06,691 --> 00:01:12,446
- Yeah, whoa.
28
00:01:12,572 --> 00:01:14,030
Welcome.
29
00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:15,949
Welcome to the show,
everybody.
30
00:01:16,075 --> 00:01:17,659
I am Keegan.
- I am Jordan.
31
00:01:17,785 --> 00:01:19,035
- And this is
Key & Peele.
32
00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:20,370
Thank you, yes.
Thank you.
33
00:01:20,496 --> 00:01:22,914
[Cheers and applause]
34
00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:25,041
Jordan and I are...
we're biracial.
35
00:01:25,168 --> 00:01:27,002
- Yes, half black,
half white.
36
00:01:27,128 --> 00:01:28,378
- And because of that,
we find ourselves
37
00:01:28,504 --> 00:01:33,049
particularly adept
at lying.
38
00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:36,303
Because on a daily basis we
have to adjust our blackness.
39
00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:38,638
- Yes.
- You know what I mean?
40
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:39,890
- Oh, no, there's many
reasons we do that.
41
00:01:40,016 --> 00:01:41,391
- Yeah.
42
00:01:41,517 --> 00:01:42,851
- I mean,
to terrify white people.
43
00:01:42,977 --> 00:01:44,019
- Yes, that's one
of the main reasons.
44
00:01:44,145 --> 00:01:45,854
One of the main reasons,
yeah.
45
00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:47,481
- Because, I mean, you know,
with the way that we sound,
46
00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:49,274
the way
that we actually talk,
47
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:50,734
we're not intimidating
anybody with the way we sound.
48
00:01:50,860 --> 00:01:52,110
- Oh, no, no, no.
- We sound very white.
49
00:01:52,236 --> 00:01:54,362
- We sound whiter
than the black dude
50
00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:57,032
in the college
a cappella group.
51
00:01:57,158 --> 00:02:01,036
- Yes, we sound whiter than
Mitt Romney in a snowstorm.
52
00:02:01,162 --> 00:02:05,916
You know what I mean?
53
00:02:06,042 --> 00:02:07,417
But that's just...
that's one of...
54
00:02:07,543 --> 00:02:09,127
that's the reason
when we're around
55
00:02:09,253 --> 00:02:11,463
other brothers and sisters,
you will see us...
56
00:02:11,589 --> 00:02:12,672
you got to just...
- You know, you got to
57
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:13,840
dial it up a little bit.
58
00:02:13,966 --> 00:02:15,550
- You got to dial it up.
59
00:02:15,676 --> 00:02:16,927
Oh, see, you know what
I'm talking about, brother.
60
00:02:17,053 --> 00:02:18,094
- Oh, you know I know
61
00:02:18,221 --> 00:02:19,387
what you talking about,
right?
62
00:02:19,514 --> 00:02:21,181
- You know I know you know...
63
00:02:21,307 --> 00:02:22,682
- You know I know what you know
I know what you talking about.
64
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:24,184
No doubt, man.
No doubt, no doubt, no doubt.
65
00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:25,644
No doubt, no doubt, no doubt,
66
00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:27,938
no doubt, no doubt,
no doubt, no doubt.
67
00:02:28,064 --> 00:02:31,942
- Because you never want
to be the whitest-sounding
68
00:02:32,068 --> 00:02:33,735
black guy in a room.
69
00:02:33,861 --> 00:02:36,196
- You put five white-talking
black guys in the same room,
70
00:02:36,322 --> 00:02:37,656
you come back in a hour,
it's gonna be like
71
00:02:37,782 --> 00:02:38,865
Ladysmith Black Mambazo
up in there.
72
00:02:38,991 --> 00:02:40,033
- Straight up.
73
00:02:40,159 --> 00:02:44,788
[Imitating chanting]
74
00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:52,045
[Doorbell rings]
75
00:02:52,171 --> 00:02:54,381
- Hey, hey, hey, all right.
- Hey.
76
00:02:54,507 --> 00:02:55,924
- Hi, sweetie,
that's for you.
77
00:02:56,050 --> 00:02:57,092
- Hey, Trace.
How you doing, girl?
78
00:02:57,218 --> 00:02:58,635
- Check out the house.
- Oh, my.
79
00:02:58,761 --> 00:03:00,178
- Girl, I got a sunken tub.
You got to see it.
80
00:03:00,304 --> 00:03:01,888
- Oh, I got to see this.
- All right.
81
00:03:02,014 --> 00:03:03,223
- You two
have a good time now.
82
00:03:03,349 --> 00:03:05,058
- Have fun, have fun.
[Door closes]
83
00:03:05,184 --> 00:03:06,518
Dude, I am sorry
we're late, man.
84
00:03:06,644 --> 00:03:08,228
- Man, it happens, man.
85
00:03:08,354 --> 00:03:09,729
- And she talk about how
we're supposed to be in the car
86
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:10,897
at 6:45,
I'm like, "All right."
87
00:03:11,023 --> 00:03:12,607
- Uh-oh.
88
00:03:12,733 --> 00:03:14,067
- Tell me my dumb ass
ain't sitting in the car,
89
00:03:14,193 --> 00:03:17,487
waiting until 7:15.
- Nuh-uh.
90
00:03:17,613 --> 00:03:19,197
- Okay, when I track my wife
down 20 minutes later,
91
00:03:19,323 --> 00:03:21,533
she's stepping out
the damn shower talking about,
92
00:03:21,659 --> 00:03:23,159
"Can I help you?"
93
00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:24,452
- See, that's crazy
right there.
94
00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:25,996
- I looked this woman
in the eye,
95
00:03:26,122 --> 00:03:28,248
I said...
96
00:03:28,374 --> 00:03:32,043
"Bitch, you told me 6:45."
97
00:03:32,169 --> 00:03:33,211
- You said that?
98
00:03:33,337 --> 00:03:35,297
- Psh, yeah I said...
99
00:03:35,423 --> 00:03:38,008
"Bitch."
Then I laid it out.
100
00:03:38,134 --> 00:03:39,175
- But you said, "bitch,"
though?
101
00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:40,552
- Hmm?
102
00:03:40,678 --> 00:03:42,012
- You said, "bitch"?
103
00:03:42,138 --> 00:03:44,389
- Yeah.
104
00:03:44,515 --> 00:03:46,474
- You got to see the fireplace
downstairs in the living room.
105
00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,435
- Okay.
106
00:03:48,561 --> 00:03:49,895
- Don't play games, man.
107
00:03:50,021 --> 00:03:51,396
Just tell me what you're
going to tell me.
108
00:03:51,522 --> 00:03:52,606
- Exactly, it's like,
say what you mean,
109
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:53,857
mean what you say.
- Is that so hard?
110
00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:55,025
- It's like last week, man.
111
00:03:55,151 --> 00:03:56,359
We going out to dinner, right?
112
00:03:56,485 --> 00:03:57,819
I'm like,
"Where do you want to go?"
113
00:03:57,945 --> 00:03:59,821
She's like, "You decide."
- Uh-oh.
114
00:03:59,947 --> 00:04:00,989
- I'm like, "All right,
Outback Steakhouse."
115
00:04:01,115 --> 00:04:02,490
She like, "Nah."
- Mm-hmm.
116
00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:03,825
- I'm like,
"Straight up, Chili's."
117
00:04:03,951 --> 00:04:05,619
She's like, "Ehh."
- No, no.
118
00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:07,662
- Darrell, I named
seven more restaurants.
119
00:04:07,788 --> 00:04:09,289
- No, Craig, no.
120
00:04:09,415 --> 00:04:10,498
- I finally said,
"Taylor's," the place I know
121
00:04:10,625 --> 00:04:11,666
she wants to go
in the first place.
122
00:04:11,792 --> 00:04:12,834
- Right, right.
123
00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:14,085
- She look at me, she said,
124
00:04:14,211 --> 00:04:15,879
"If that's where
you want to go."
125
00:04:16,005 --> 00:04:18,006
- No, she didn't, Craig.
- If that's where I want to go.
126
00:04:18,132 --> 00:04:20,675
Darrell, I looked my woman
in the eye sockets.
127
00:04:20,801 --> 00:04:23,762
I told her straight out,
I just said it, man, I said it.
128
00:04:23,888 --> 00:04:26,222
I said, I said, I said...
129
00:04:30,645 --> 00:04:32,270
I said, "Bi..."
- Hey, guys.
130
00:04:32,396 --> 00:04:33,438
- Hey, girl, how you doing?
- Oh, how you doing?
131
00:04:33,564 --> 00:04:35,023
- You having a good time?
132
00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:36,733
- You seen the bedroom?
- Just looking at the wood.
133
00:04:36,859 --> 00:04:38,526
- That washing machine is huge.
- Up on the ceiling here.
134
00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:40,862
- You get a whole bunch of
clothes in that washing machine.
135
00:04:40,988 --> 00:04:42,155
- Hey, baby, I'm going to take
her back up to the kitchen
136
00:04:42,281 --> 00:04:43,990
and show her the dishwasher.
137
00:04:44,116 --> 00:04:45,909
- Darrell?
- Yeah, baby?
138
00:04:46,035 --> 00:04:47,786
- I want a kitchen island
just like the one upstairs.
139
00:04:47,912 --> 00:04:49,371
- You gonna get it too.
140
00:04:49,497 --> 00:04:53,083
- I love you.
141
00:04:53,209 --> 00:04:58,046
- I said, "Bitch,
if you wanted to go to Taylor's,
142
00:04:58,172 --> 00:05:00,131
just tell a brother
you want to go to Taylor's!"
143
00:05:00,257 --> 00:05:01,758
Okay?
- You said that?
144
00:05:01,884 --> 00:05:03,927
- Oh, hell yeah, man.
I laid it out, right?
145
00:05:04,053 --> 00:05:09,849
I says... I says... I says...
146
00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:13,520
I said, "Bitch,
I'm the man of the house."
147
00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:14,688
- You said, "bitch," though?
148
00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:15,855
- Hmm?
149
00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:17,732
- You called your wife a bitch?
150
00:05:17,858 --> 00:05:19,317
- Uh-huh, yeah.
151
00:05:19,443 --> 00:05:20,485
- Craig.
- Darrell.
152
00:05:20,611 --> 00:05:22,112
- Where are those guys?
153
00:05:22,238 --> 00:05:26,574
- I don't know.
Let's go...
154
00:05:26,701 --> 00:05:28,201
- So she's like,
"Why don't you rent a movie
155
00:05:28,327 --> 00:05:29,953
we both like?"
- No, she didn't.
156
00:05:30,079 --> 00:05:32,163
- After I spent 25 minutes
in the goddamn Blockbuster.
157
00:05:32,289 --> 00:05:36,042
Craig, I looked this woman
in her optic stems, and I says...
158
00:05:36,168 --> 00:05:38,169
I said...
159
00:05:40,339 --> 00:05:42,424
I says, "Bitch."
160
00:05:42,550 --> 00:05:43,633
- You said that?
161
00:05:43,759 --> 00:05:45,218
- Ain't nothing
but a thing.
162
00:05:45,344 --> 00:05:47,595
- But you said, "bitch,"
though?
163
00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:49,431
- Yep.
- See...
164
00:05:49,557 --> 00:05:53,268
[phone rings]
165
00:05:53,394 --> 00:05:55,228
- Oh, sh...
166
00:05:55,354 --> 00:05:58,273
Hey, honey, Craig's just
giving me the neighborhood tour.
167
00:05:58,399 --> 00:06:00,316
- So then she's like,
"I didn't know we'd be doing
168
00:06:00,443 --> 00:06:02,360
so much walking."
- Nuh-uh.
169
00:06:02,486 --> 00:06:05,280
- I'm like, "I didn't tell you
to wear those shoes."
170
00:06:05,406 --> 00:06:07,615
She said, "Don't raise
your voice at me."
171
00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:08,992
- What?
172
00:06:09,118 --> 00:06:12,746
- Dar-rell, I looked this woman
173
00:06:12,872 --> 00:06:15,415
dead in the windows
of her soul.
174
00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:17,751
- Mm-hmm.
- I said...
175
00:06:24,383 --> 00:06:26,760
I said...
176
00:06:33,142 --> 00:06:35,769
[door opens, air hisses]
177
00:06:40,024 --> 00:06:45,528
I said, "Bitch."
178
00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:55,663
- So I'm a huge fan
of reality television.
179
00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:57,749
- And I have
little use for it.
180
00:06:57,875 --> 00:06:59,542
- Yes.
181
00:06:59,668 --> 00:07:01,920
All right, well, but, no,
we agree on one thing.
182
00:07:02,046 --> 00:07:05,590
That reality TV
has completely gone bananos.
183
00:07:05,716 --> 00:07:07,842
- Is redink to the hinkulous.
184
00:07:07,968 --> 00:07:09,969
- It is, it is.
- Yes.
185
00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:11,930
- It used to be very simple,
it used to be just
186
00:07:12,056 --> 00:07:14,307
live in a house
and we'll film it,
187
00:07:14,433 --> 00:07:16,518
and then we'll do
the same thing next year.
188
00:07:16,644 --> 00:07:20,188
And it was...
it was like that for ten years.
189
00:07:20,314 --> 00:07:21,981
- And then all of a sudden
it turned into
190
00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:24,025
you can live in the house,
but we might kick you out
191
00:07:24,151 --> 00:07:28,113
if you don't run the raw diet
food co-op correctly.
192
00:07:28,239 --> 00:07:29,322
- That's right,
that's right.
193
00:07:29,448 --> 00:07:31,407
And then it was
no house for you.
194
00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:34,160
Live on a beach, starve, and
make alliances with each other.
195
00:07:34,286 --> 00:07:35,662
- Right.
196
00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:37,247
When that show happened,
that's when it went
197
00:07:37,373 --> 00:07:38,915
to straight up nut burgers
crazy town right there.
198
00:07:39,041 --> 00:07:41,251
- All of a sudden it was
be a gay man designing things
199
00:07:41,377 --> 00:07:45,171
and get angry at other gay men
designing things.
200
00:07:45,297 --> 00:07:47,423
- Or mad lesbians
in a kitchen.
201
00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:50,260
- Please install a television
on my mode of transportation.
202
00:07:50,386 --> 00:07:52,512
- Mm-hmm.
Eat a bug, win a car.
203
00:07:52,638 --> 00:07:55,890
- Mm-hmm.
Dangerous fishing.
204
00:07:56,016 --> 00:07:59,894
- Or you've always been poor,
but now you have a pool table.
205
00:08:00,020 --> 00:08:01,813
- Or you have
a mental illness.
206
00:08:01,939 --> 00:08:05,150
Let us rearrange
your furniture for you.
207
00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:09,404
[Laughs]
208
00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:16,411
- Drew, come forward.
209
00:08:16,537 --> 00:08:17,829
- Yes, Chef.
210
00:08:17,955 --> 00:08:19,998
This is a chicken quiche
with crimini mushrooms,
211
00:08:20,124 --> 00:08:25,628
baby spinach,
and feta cheese.
212
00:08:33,804 --> 00:08:36,848
- Unbelievable.
213
00:08:36,974 --> 00:08:39,851
Well, Drew, I have
a huge problem with this dish.
214
00:08:39,977 --> 00:08:41,269
[Dramatic thud]
215
00:08:41,395 --> 00:08:42,437
It's that you haven't made it
216
00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:43,730
for me sooner.
217
00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:46,065
[Upbeat music]
- Thank you, Chef.
218
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:49,110
- Because, if you had,
Drew, then I would know
219
00:08:49,236 --> 00:08:52,113
how good you are
at cooking food that's bad.
220
00:08:52,239 --> 00:08:53,281
[Dramatic thud,
suspenseful music]
221
00:08:53,407 --> 00:08:54,449
- I'm sorry, Chef.
222
00:08:54,575 --> 00:08:55,617
- And when I say, "bad,"
223
00:08:55,743 --> 00:08:58,661
I mean, Michael Jackson Bad.
224
00:08:58,787 --> 00:09:00,747
[Upbeat music]
- Thank you, Chef.
225
00:09:00,873 --> 00:09:01,915
- You know how he looked
really, really bad
226
00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:03,082
at the end of his life?
[Dramatic thud]
227
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:06,211
- Chef, I'm sorry.
228
00:09:06,337 --> 00:09:08,713
I don't know if you
like the dish or not.
229
00:09:08,839 --> 00:09:10,924
- You don't know
if I like the dish or not?
230
00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:12,759
Well,
let's put it this way...
231
00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:15,595
Pack your fucking knives,
get out, you're off the show.
232
00:09:15,721 --> 00:09:18,848
- Sorry, Chef.
233
00:09:18,974 --> 00:09:21,809
- Because you should
be working
234
00:09:21,936 --> 00:09:24,354
in the finest restaurant
in the world.
235
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,397
[Upbeat music]
- Thank you, Chef.
236
00:09:26,523 --> 00:09:28,191
- Just not any world
that I live in.
237
00:09:28,317 --> 00:09:30,193
[Dramatic thud]
- Sorry, Chef.
238
00:09:30,319 --> 00:09:32,445
- Because, frankly, Drew,
I'm jealous of you.
239
00:09:32,571 --> 00:09:34,864
- Thank you, Chef.
240
00:09:34,990 --> 00:09:37,033
- And your ability
to not give a shit
241
00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:39,619
about what you cook.
242
00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:43,706
This is not fit
for human consumption.
243
00:09:43,832 --> 00:09:47,585
No, this should be eaten
by a higher life-form
244
00:09:47,711 --> 00:09:51,464
with a more complex palate,
but also an altruistic drive
245
00:09:51,590 --> 00:09:54,968
to save humanity
from dishes like this.
246
00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:58,012
Joking. Not!
You deserve to die!
247
00:09:58,138 --> 00:10:00,765
Aah!
248
00:10:00,891 --> 00:10:04,060
So you won't have to endure
a life in which you will
249
00:10:04,186 --> 00:10:09,732
never exceed what
you have achieved here today.
250
00:10:11,068 --> 00:10:13,945
[Upbeat music]
251
00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:17,991
♪ ♪
252
00:10:18,117 --> 00:10:22,370
- Thank you, Chef.
253
00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:26,165
- In conclusion...
eh.
254
00:10:28,377 --> 00:10:29,460
[Buzzer]
255
00:10:29,586 --> 00:10:31,629
- Lil Wayne, y'all.
256
00:10:31,755 --> 00:10:34,215
Tha Carter.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
257
00:10:34,341 --> 00:10:35,633
Yeah, I'm coming to y'all
258
00:10:35,759 --> 00:10:38,136
straight from Rikers
penitentiary, bitch.
259
00:10:38,262 --> 00:10:39,595
You heard, man?
260
00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:41,014
Hey, yo, man...
261
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:42,598
haters out there
think I'm playing,
262
00:10:42,725 --> 00:10:45,435
think I'm some
kind of joke, man.
263
00:10:45,561 --> 00:10:47,145
Young money.
264
00:10:47,271 --> 00:10:48,521
Check this out
right here, man.
265
00:10:48,647 --> 00:10:50,315
[Screeches]
266
00:10:50,441 --> 00:10:51,816
I'm the baddest
motherfucker
267
00:10:51,942 --> 00:10:55,028
on this whole prison here,
bitch, you heard?
268
00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:57,238
Check it out, let's go,
I'm the baddest dude...
269
00:10:57,364 --> 00:11:00,366
aah!
270
00:11:05,247 --> 00:11:07,457
- What can I say
about ancestry. Com?
271
00:11:07,583 --> 00:11:09,167
My adventure began
when I received a leaf
272
00:11:09,293 --> 00:11:12,462
pointing me in the direction
of my great grandfather,
273
00:11:12,588 --> 00:11:15,798
who was a pilot with
the flying aces in World War I.
274
00:11:15,924 --> 00:11:18,384
- On my mother's side,
I found an aunt who traced
275
00:11:18,510 --> 00:11:22,555
her lineage all the way
back to Thomas Jefferson.
276
00:11:22,681 --> 00:11:24,557
- I was able to trace
my bloodline back to nobles,
277
00:11:24,683 --> 00:11:26,684
and even a king.
278
00:11:26,810 --> 00:11:29,771
- I discovered I'm a direct
descendent of Erik the Red.
279
00:11:29,897 --> 00:11:32,106
- After only a couple of hours
on ancestry. Com,
280
00:11:32,232 --> 00:11:34,150
I was able to trace
my family line
281
00:11:34,276 --> 00:11:36,986
all the way back to none other
than our third president,
282
00:11:37,112 --> 00:11:39,197
Thomas Jefferson.
283
00:11:39,323 --> 00:11:40,907
- Marie Antoinette.
284
00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:44,077
- Thomas Jefferson.
- Aristotle.
285
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,746
- Thomas Jefferson.
- Alexander the Great.
286
00:11:46,872 --> 00:11:50,083
- Thomas motherfucking
Jefferson.
287
00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:52,877
- Join ancestry.com and begin
a one-of-a-kind journey
288
00:11:53,003 --> 00:11:54,796
into your unique past.
289
00:11:54,922 --> 00:11:57,632
Because you never know
where your story begins.
290
00:11:57,758 --> 00:11:59,926
- Thomas Jefferson.
291
00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:06,474
- So Jordan
does not drive,
292
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:09,227
which I think
is completely crazy.
293
00:12:09,353 --> 00:12:10,937
- That's true.
I can explain.
294
00:12:11,063 --> 00:12:13,981
I'm from New York originally,
first of all, so that...
295
00:12:14,108 --> 00:12:15,316
yeah, we don't drive.
We don't drive in New York.
296
00:12:15,442 --> 00:12:16,526
- And I'm from
the polar opposite.
297
00:12:16,652 --> 00:12:18,277
I'm from the motor city.
298
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,113
I'm from Detroit,
and so you have to drive
299
00:12:20,239 --> 00:12:25,076
or you get stabbed.
- Yeah, so...
300
00:12:25,202 --> 00:12:27,203
but that's just it.
You just landed on it.
301
00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:28,663
That's why I don't drive.
302
00:12:28,789 --> 00:12:30,164
Is because people
go crazy, man.
303
00:12:30,290 --> 00:12:31,999
People turn into Mr. Hyde.
304
00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:33,543
- See, that is not true
that everybody
305
00:12:33,669 --> 00:12:36,462
who gets behind the wheel
of a car flips out.
306
00:12:36,588 --> 00:12:37,880
- You do.
- No, I don't.
307
00:12:38,006 --> 00:12:39,882
I do not.
When have I done that?
308
00:12:40,008 --> 00:12:42,677
- When that one lady
cut us off that one time.
309
00:12:42,803 --> 00:12:44,303
- Okay.
- My man goes into top speed...
310
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:45,680
- I did.
- You started swerving
311
00:12:45,806 --> 00:12:47,432
in between vehicles.
- It's true.
312
00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:49,350
I did... I swung between...
- He had to catch up with her.
313
00:12:49,476 --> 00:12:50,726
- You're right, you're right.
314
00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:52,478
- And when we caught up
with her,
315
00:12:52,604 --> 00:12:54,272
my man rolls down his window.
What did you yell at her?
316
00:12:54,398 --> 00:12:59,360
- I said, "Selfish!"
- "Selfish."
317
00:12:59,486 --> 00:13:02,321
- "You are selfish!"
318
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:05,324
- And please, no,
you have to understand...
319
00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:07,034
you have to understand.
320
00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:09,078
That's the nicest guy
in the world, right here, okay?
321
00:13:09,204 --> 00:13:12,206
To him, "selfish,"
that's the "C" word.
322
00:13:12,332 --> 00:13:14,000
- It is.
323
00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:15,168
- I love that that
is your version of road rage,
324
00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:16,919
by the way.
325
00:13:17,045 --> 00:13:18,171
- So you think if you got
a driver's license,
326
00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:19,505
that you would
just flip out.
327
00:13:19,631 --> 00:13:21,215
- No, that's other people.
328
00:13:21,341 --> 00:13:22,800
I... I don't drive
because I smoke weed
329
00:13:22,926 --> 00:13:24,760
and I don't want
to kill anybody.
330
00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:27,263
- Oh, okay. Okay.
331
00:13:27,389 --> 00:13:30,558
Well, Jordan, you could always
just stop smoking weed.
332
00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:37,440
- I'm sorry.
What'd you say?
333
00:13:37,566 --> 00:13:40,651
I'm high right now.
334
00:13:40,777 --> 00:13:42,820
- I'm telling you,
it's totally legal.
335
00:13:42,946 --> 00:13:44,447
These doctors,
they'll prescribe
336
00:13:44,573 --> 00:13:46,574
medical marijuana
to anyone, man.
337
00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:48,242
- What do I tell them
I need it for?
338
00:13:48,368 --> 00:13:49,994
- It doesn't matter.
339
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:51,787
They want to give you
a prescription.
340
00:13:51,914 --> 00:13:53,581
It's how they get paid.
341
00:13:53,707 --> 00:13:56,584
Just make something up.
342
00:13:56,710 --> 00:13:57,752
- Hey, Mr. Washington,
welcome.
343
00:13:57,878 --> 00:13:59,587
- Hey, doctor.
344
00:13:59,713 --> 00:14:00,755
- All right, I'm going
to ask you a couple questions,
345
00:14:00,881 --> 00:14:01,923
and then we're...
- AIDS.
346
00:14:02,049 --> 00:14:05,551
- What?
- AIDS.
347
00:14:05,677 --> 00:14:08,679
- AIDS?
As in, uh...
348
00:14:08,805 --> 00:14:12,683
- As in I got it, need lots
of weed to get rid of it.
349
00:14:12,809 --> 00:14:14,852
- Oh, okay, AIDS.
350
00:14:14,978 --> 00:14:16,812
Um, wow.
351
00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:18,731
All right, are you sure
you're not suffering
352
00:14:18,857 --> 00:14:21,526
from anything else like,
you know, back pain?
353
00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:23,319
- Nope.
- Anxiety?
354
00:14:23,445 --> 00:14:25,738
- Cool as a cucumber.
- How about insomnia?
355
00:14:25,864 --> 00:14:29,116
- Sleep like a baby...
with AIDS.
356
00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:30,701
- Okay, Mr. Washington.
357
00:14:30,827 --> 00:14:32,286
Let's just slow your roll
for a second here.
358
00:14:32,412 --> 00:14:34,121
If you had AIDS,
then I would have to verify it
359
00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:35,957
by seeing test results.
360
00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:38,709
Whereas if you have back pain
or anxiety or anything else
361
00:14:38,835 --> 00:14:40,878
that I can't test for,
then I can give you
362
00:14:41,004 --> 00:14:43,381
this prescription
for cannabis right now.
363
00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:44,632
- Oh.
- Understand?
364
00:14:44,758 --> 00:14:46,050
- Oh, I see, I get it.
- Awesome.
365
00:14:46,176 --> 00:14:47,760
- My bad.
- Good, good, good.
366
00:14:47,886 --> 00:14:49,845
- Okay, so...
- Leprosy.
367
00:14:49,972 --> 00:14:51,055
- No, no.
368
00:14:51,181 --> 00:14:52,348
Because if you had leprosy,
369
00:14:52,474 --> 00:14:53,516
I'd have to quarantine you.
370
00:14:53,642 --> 00:14:55,142
- Ouch.
- What are you... no.
371
00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:57,061
Okay, I see
your finger's falling off.
372
00:14:57,187 --> 00:14:59,313
No, don't do that, though.
That's not going to work.
373
00:14:59,439 --> 00:15:00,606
- Scurvy.
- Nope.
374
00:15:00,732 --> 00:15:02,024
- Rickets.
- What? No.
375
00:15:02,150 --> 00:15:03,693
- Consumption.
- No, Mr. Washington.
376
00:15:03,819 --> 00:15:05,111
Something from this century.
377
00:15:05,237 --> 00:15:06,696
- Schizophrenia.
378
00:15:06,822 --> 00:15:07,905
[High-pitched]
You don't have schizophrenia.
379
00:15:08,031 --> 00:15:09,282
Yes, you do.
- Keep it simple.
380
00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:11,200
Please.
381
00:15:11,326 --> 00:15:13,286
What the hell is that?
I don't know what that is.
382
00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:14,829
- There's a fish hook
in my lip.
383
00:15:14,955 --> 00:15:16,247
- Just pick something
off this list.
384
00:15:16,373 --> 00:15:18,124
- I can't reach it.
- Why not?
385
00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:20,585
- Paralyzed.
386
00:15:20,711 --> 00:15:22,628
- Does your face hurt,
Mr. Washington?
387
00:15:22,754 --> 00:15:23,796
- Yeah.
388
00:15:23,922 --> 00:15:25,840
- Then this should help.
389
00:15:25,966 --> 00:15:28,843
[Buzzer]
390
00:15:28,969 --> 00:15:31,679
- Lil Wayne, y'all.
391
00:15:31,805 --> 00:15:34,974
Young money.
392
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:38,060
Y'all need to watch
your back, you heard?
393
00:15:38,186 --> 00:15:39,604
That's right,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
394
00:15:39,730 --> 00:15:41,355
Because I'm coming
for y'all, you know?
395
00:15:41,481 --> 00:15:43,441
What's up, man?
I run this, y'all.
396
00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:44,859
In fact, yo,
let's go.
397
00:15:44,985 --> 00:15:46,152
I'm the baddest...
398
00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:47,820
where you going, man?
Where you going?
399
00:15:47,946 --> 00:15:48,988
Hey, man, where you going?
You ain't got to go...
400
00:15:49,114 --> 00:15:51,616
[taser crackles]
401
00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:54,035
[Screaming]
402
00:15:59,875 --> 00:16:01,208
Okay, I see.
403
00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:05,338
Pick on the little guy, huh?
Punks.
404
00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:06,964
Aah!
405
00:16:07,090 --> 00:16:10,301
This little ironic
motherfucker right here.
406
00:16:15,015 --> 00:16:16,140
- So I had
this friend in grade school,
407
00:16:16,266 --> 00:16:17,850
and we were really tight.
408
00:16:17,976 --> 00:16:19,977
And then we grew up and we went
to different high schools,
409
00:16:20,103 --> 00:16:21,812
and we lost touch
with each other.
410
00:16:21,938 --> 00:16:25,900
And, uh,
yeah, it's already funny.
411
00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:27,735
And so he said to me...
412
00:16:27,861 --> 00:16:29,570
he calls me
out of the blue one day.
413
00:16:29,696 --> 00:16:31,030
- This is my jam.
414
00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:32,948
- And we're talking
on the phone,
415
00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:35,993
and he's asking me about
this girl in my high school.
416
00:16:36,119 --> 00:16:38,954
And he says, "So, man,
what you think of that girl?"
417
00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:40,998
And so I told him what I
thought, I told him the truth,
418
00:16:41,124 --> 00:16:46,504
and I said, "Oh, dog, man,
my girl is not attractive.
419
00:16:46,630 --> 00:16:49,465
"My girl is, like,
rough in this area, you know?
420
00:16:49,591 --> 00:16:52,343
My girl is straight hit,"
you know?
421
00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:55,930
"Nice enough girl,
but she is ugly," you know?
422
00:16:56,056 --> 00:16:57,181
And my man goes like this.
423
00:16:57,307 --> 00:16:58,724
My man goes like this.
He says...
424
00:16:58,850 --> 00:17:01,936
he says, "Ah, dog,
that's my girlfriend."
425
00:17:02,062 --> 00:17:03,896
- And so I literally
go like this. I go...
426
00:17:04,022 --> 00:17:07,024
[groaning]
427
00:17:18,662 --> 00:17:21,956
"Brother,
you know I'm playing."
428
00:17:25,961 --> 00:17:28,087
"She fine as hell."
429
00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:30,881
[Buzzer]
430
00:17:38,765 --> 00:17:41,851
- I don't think we should
be doing this right now, man.
431
00:17:41,977 --> 00:17:43,894
Young money.
432
00:17:44,020 --> 00:17:45,187
You know what I mean?
433
00:17:45,313 --> 00:17:46,731
There's a time
and a place...
434
00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:51,193
you know what I'm saying,
man?
435
00:17:51,319 --> 00:17:55,114
Man, I ain't scared, yo.
436
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:16,218
- Good evening,
my fellow Americans.
437
00:18:16,344 --> 00:18:18,929
Now, before I begin,
I just want to say
438
00:18:19,055 --> 00:18:20,681
that I know a lot of people
out there seem to think
439
00:18:20,807 --> 00:18:23,434
that I don't get angry.
440
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:24,727
Well,
that's just not true.
441
00:18:24,853 --> 00:18:26,562
I get angry a lot.
442
00:18:26,688 --> 00:18:28,731
It's just that the way
I express passion
443
00:18:28,857 --> 00:18:32,193
is different from most.
444
00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:34,028
So just so there's
no more confusion,
445
00:18:34,154 --> 00:18:36,322
we've hired Luther here
to be my anger translator.
446
00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:38,532
Luther?
- Hi.
447
00:18:38,658 --> 00:18:40,493
- First off, concerning
the recent developments
448
00:18:40,619 --> 00:18:43,621
in the middle-eastern region,
I just want to reiterate
449
00:18:43,747 --> 00:18:45,664
our unflinching support
for all people
450
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:47,750
and their right
to a democratic process.
451
00:18:47,876 --> 00:18:49,710
- Hey, all y'all dictators
out there,
452
00:18:49,836 --> 00:18:51,295
keep messing around
and see what happens.
453
00:18:51,421 --> 00:18:53,672
Just see what happens.
Watch.
454
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:57,968
- Also, to the governments
of Iran and North Korea,
455
00:18:58,094 --> 00:19:00,596
we once again urge you
to discontinue
456
00:19:00,722 --> 00:19:02,264
your uranium enrichment program.
457
00:19:02,390 --> 00:19:04,058
- Hey, Mahmoud?
Kim Jong?
458
00:19:04,184 --> 00:19:06,018
I think I already
done told both y'all,
459
00:19:06,144 --> 00:19:07,895
86 your shit, bitches,
460
00:19:08,021 --> 00:19:10,606
or I'm going to come over there
and do it for y'all.
461
00:19:10,732 --> 00:19:13,025
Please test me
and see what happens.
462
00:19:13,151 --> 00:19:17,029
- On the domestic front, I just
want to say to my critics,
463
00:19:17,155 --> 00:19:20,032
I hear your voices and
I'm aware of your concerns.
464
00:19:20,158 --> 00:19:21,575
- So maybe if you could
chill the hell out
465
00:19:21,701 --> 00:19:23,327
for, like, a second,
then maybe I could focus
466
00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:25,412
on some shit, you know?
467
00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:26,789
- And that goes for everybody,
468
00:19:26,915 --> 00:19:28,541
including members
of the Tea Party.
469
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:29,708
- Oh, don't even get me started
on these motherfuckers
470
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:31,168
right here.
471
00:19:31,294 --> 00:19:32,962
- I want to assure you
that we will be looking
472
00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:36,131
for new compromises with
the GOP in the months ahead.
473
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:37,508
- And you know these
motherfuckers gonna say no
474
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:39,426
before I even suggest
some shit.
475
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:43,806
- Now I know a lot of folks say
that I haven't done a good job
476
00:19:43,932 --> 00:19:46,642
at communicating my
accomplishments to the public.
477
00:19:46,768 --> 00:19:49,311
- Because y'all
motherfuckers don't listen!
478
00:19:49,437 --> 00:19:52,064
- Uh, since being in office,
479
00:19:52,190 --> 00:19:54,149
we've created
3 million new jobs.
480
00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:56,151
- 3 million new jobs.
481
00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:58,237
- We ended the war in Iraq.
- Ended a war, y'all.
482
00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:00,322
We ended a war,
remember that?
483
00:20:00,448 --> 00:20:02,783
- These achievements
should serve as a reminder
484
00:20:02,909 --> 00:20:04,285
that I am on your side.
485
00:20:04,411 --> 00:20:06,745
[Feedback squeals]
- I am not a Muslim!
486
00:20:06,872 --> 00:20:09,039
- And that my intentions,
as your president,
487
00:20:09,165 --> 00:20:11,458
are coming from
the right place.
488
00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:13,502
- They coming from Hawaii,
which is where I'm from,
489
00:20:13,628 --> 00:20:15,504
which is in the United States
of America, y'all.
490
00:20:15,630 --> 00:20:17,590
Okay?
This is ridiculous.
491
00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:21,010
I have a birth certificate!
I have a birth certificate!
492
00:20:21,136 --> 00:20:23,721
I have a hot,
diggity-doggity,
493
00:20:23,847 --> 00:20:25,931
mamase mamasa mamakusa,
birth certificate,
494
00:20:26,057 --> 00:20:27,433
you dumbass crackers!
495
00:20:27,559 --> 00:20:30,060
- Okay, Luther.
Rope it in.
496
00:20:30,186 --> 00:20:31,562
- Yeah, dial it back, Luther.
Damn.
497
00:20:31,688 --> 00:20:34,398
- In conclusion,
last night I had
498
00:20:34,524 --> 00:20:35,566
a conversation
with Michelle.
499
00:20:35,692 --> 00:20:37,151
- I says, "Bitch."
500
00:20:37,277 --> 00:20:38,319
- Nope,
I did not say that.
501
00:20:38,445 --> 00:20:40,821
I did not say that.
502
00:20:43,158 --> 00:20:45,784
- So, uh, we are going to be
saying good night right now,
503
00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:48,120
but before we do,
I just want say that we are...
504
00:20:48,246 --> 00:20:50,748
I do think we're lucky.
505
00:20:50,874 --> 00:20:52,499
In the lottery of life,
I think we are lucky
506
00:20:52,626 --> 00:20:55,127
to have gotten
the best quality of both races.
507
00:20:55,253 --> 00:20:57,129
- I think so too.
- That we are a part of.
508
00:20:57,255 --> 00:20:58,547
No, it is.
- I think so too.
509
00:20:58,673 --> 00:21:00,424
- No, because I know
there are two dudes
510
00:21:00,550 --> 00:21:02,718
out there somewhere right now
with little dicks
511
00:21:02,844 --> 00:21:05,596
and sickle cell.
- Yeah, it's true.
512
00:21:05,722 --> 00:21:08,807
Good night.
- Thank you.
513
00:21:13,271 --> 00:21:16,148
- ♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
514
00:21:16,274 --> 00:21:18,275
- Oh, yeah.
515
00:21:21,279 --> 00:21:22,738
- When did Asian guys
become fucking cool?
516
00:21:22,864 --> 00:21:24,823
I don't understand that.
517
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:27,785
Y'all stole break dancing.
- When did that happen?
518
00:21:27,911 --> 00:21:29,370
I just figured
you would know...
519
00:21:29,496 --> 00:21:31,163
you don't know the answer?
- It's not fair.
520
00:21:31,289 --> 00:21:32,998
- They just straight up
stole it.
521
00:21:33,124 --> 00:21:35,292
- "Y'all been trying to perfect
this art?" Backflips.
38418
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