All language subtitles for its.always.sunny.in.philadelphia.s08e10.1080p.bluray.x264-rovers.eng

By now you make
a right-hand turn.

Make a right turn.
Okay, making a right.

You should pass three fuzzy
poles with blinking lights.

Those are traffic signals.
Okay. Wait a minute.
I haven't gotten there yet.

And great.
You should be making
a left turn here.

There's no left.
You don't know
where I am, tape!

This ain't working, Charlie.
This ain't working.

- You should pass three fuzzy
poles with blinking lights.
- Wait.

Those are traffic signals.
I passed the traffic signals.

You should pass
three fuzzy poles...

It's stuck!
Charlie, I need you here!
This tape isn't working.

This is KPFN, public radio.

Today on
Do It Yourself Gardening...

Composting.

I'm sure many of you
are wondering
what composting involves.

You should pass three fuzzy
poles with blinking lights.

Poles and the blinking lights!

Make sure your compost pile
gets plenty of air.

Now...
Oh, Sandra.
You dumb bitch.

Wha...

Charlie, what is so hard to
understand?

I believe that
if I inseminated
the right woman,

our seed could potentially,
through an X-Men-type
genetic mutation,

create a son capable
of bending steel.

- Mm-mmm.
- That's completely insane.

Do you understand
genetic mutations at all?

You hear what you're saying?
You're talking
like an insane person.

I didn't cause
any damages, Dennis.
Yes, you did.

Not to the exterior of my car.
But to the interior of my car?

My interior is ruined.
Guys. So I'm sitting
at a red light,

at a dead stop,
and Frank rams into me
out of nowhere!

Now he's saying he's not gonna
pay for the damages. Did you
know that the man cannot see?

I can see! I got glasses.
I just need new lenses.

The lenses are what make
the glasses work, Frank!

If you were driving around
without the use of sight,

then that is completely
irresponsible, and you need
to pay for the damages.

- Yeah.
- None of the damages were my fault.

It sounds like
all of the damages
were your fault.

- Frank, how are we even
talking about this?
- Yeah, if you rammed into him...

- You rammed into me.
- Dennis was eating
a bowl of cereal.

- What?
- He was eating a bowl of cereal
when I hit him.

And it spilled all over
the interior, and those
are the only damages to the car.

You were eating a...
bowl of cereal?

Yes.

- While you were driving?
- Yes. It's not that crazy.

- That's not what this is about.
- Well, it's a little bit
about that.

Yeah, there's a high spill
factor if you're driving...
Actually, it's a lot about that.

Come on. It's, uh...
I don't
have to justify myself to you!

You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna take you to court.
Fine. Fine.

Hold on a second.
Nobody needs to go
to court here.

There's no reason we can't
settle this ourselves,
like civilized adults.

No, we can't, Dee, so I'm gonna
take him to court, I'm gonna
sue him and I'm gonna win.

Dennis, you don't want to go
anywhere near a court.

How many bench warrants
for sexual misconduct
do you have?

I-I
probably have... Yeah.
Yeah.

And, Frank,
how many unregistered guns
are in your car right now?

A lot.

Ooh, I like where you're
headed with this, Dee,
and, uh, if I may,

I think what you're proposing
is that we handle this little
matter... internally.

I'll let you take it over.

Okay. Uh, okay, okay,
okay, okay.

I'd like to begin with my
opening statement, if I could.

First off, uh, who is the
defendant in this matter?

- That's not a statement.
- All right. Well, irregardless,

I would like to know, as Frank's
lawyer, who I am persecuting
or who I'm defending.

Yeah. Prosecuting.
Let me just nip this whole
thing in the bud right now.

Stop treating this like
it's a trial and like
this is a courtroom.

Yeah, but the tables...
Yeah. But I was against
that too.

Okay? Let's just present
the facts to each other,

and then let's decide
as a majority
who's in the right.

That being said,
Frank would be
the defendant.

I'm not the defendant.
No, that implies
that I am guilty.

He's right. If anyone's ever
accused of anything,

- I automatically assume they're guilty.
- You do, right?

- I do.
- I'm gonna make you
the defendant.

Then I'll make Frank
the defendant, then we'll
split it up that way.

You're defending the fact
that your car got hit by him.

He smashed into me,
so I'm prosecuting him!
Hey, guys! I'm finished!

I'm finished.

Where have you been
for the last three hours?

I have been making this.

- What the hell is that?
- It's the Trial Meter.

It shows how we each feel
throughout the trial.

Yeah, I made little gavels
with our names on it, and we
can move them accordingly.

And at the end,
whoever has the most gavels
on their side wins.

It took you three hours
to make that?

Yeah.

Mac, let me tell you something.

Nobody is gonna want
to use that,
because it's so stupid.

We are dealing with
a serious issue here.
You imbecile!

Don't be an imbecile.
Okay? My property is at stake.

What are you doing?
W-Well, don't do that.
Look, okay.

Not that we're using this stupid
thing, but don't start doing
that, because you're gonna...

I like what he did there.
I'm gonna go ahead
and move my guy.

Why? Why?
We haven't presented
any facts yet.

Uh, okay.

Well, don't everybody
start moving their gavels
over to his side.

We haven't even pre...
Okay, well, good.

At least you have
the common sense
to be on my side.

Well, as your representative
in this matter, I didn't have
much of a choice.

- My hands were tied.
- No, no, no.

You're not...
You're not my representative.
I will be talking for myself.

This is an open-and-shut case,
and anybody who can't see that
is a savage and an idiot!

- Okay. Uh, I would like a five
with my client, please.
- Want a five, counselor?

- I'd like to take a five.
- I'll allow it.

Stop talking like this is
a goddamn courtroom, please.

- Oh, I'm the judge!
- No, you're not.

- Can I be the bailiff?
- You are not anything.

- I'll allow it.
- No one is anything.

I'm gonna scratch
everybody's eyes
out of their sockets!

Ladies and gentlemen,
distinguished collies.

Uh, my client, Frank, here...

isn't really
on trial today,
you know?

Common sense is on trial.

And, well, common sense
would tell you that...

eating a bowl of cereal
while operating a car is...

It's-It's reckless.
It's moronic.

One might even call it...

donkey-brained.

Donkey-brained?

It means
to have the brains
of a donkey...

or a donkey-type creature.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think I know
what it means, guy.

But if anything, it's not
donkey-brained to drive around
with a bowl of cereal.

It's donkey-brained to drive
around without the use
of your vision.

Oh. That's interesting.
So you do admit that someone
who makes foolish decisions...

could be considered
donkey-brained?

Uh... Sure.
Yeah, okay, fine.

I'll take it.
All right.

Now, Frank, if I'm correct,
when you were a boy,

you were admitted
into a...
mental institution.

- Is this correct?
- That's correct.

But soon after,
it was discovered that I
wasn't mentally disabled,

so they let me go.

And they let me go
with the proper paperwork,

clearing me of everything.

I would like to add
into evidence Article 1.

Uh, Mac,
will you please
read this document?

Mm-hmm.
"By the power of the
Commonwealth of Pennsylvania,

Reid Mental Institution
hereby decrees Frank Reynolds
to not have...

donkey brains."

What?

- That is an official document
that says "donkey brain" on it?
- What is that?

Well, it's written
right here in plain English.

Frank, would you like
to clear this up
for everybody?

Well, all the kids
in the neighborhood
knew I got sent upstate,

so they started calling me
"Frankie Donkey Brains,"
and it was very traumatic.

So I got my mommy
to drive me back up
to the loony bin,

where they signed
this official certificate...

exonerating me
of all donkey brains.

Yeah, great.
What does this have to do
with anything?

Well, Dennis,
if by your own admission,

someone who has donkey brains
could be considered...

reckless or moronic or idiotic,

and my client Frank here
has a state-issued
certificate...

clearing him of having
said donkey brains,

then I ask you this...

Do you have
any such certificate?

What?

Well, we don't want a donkey
on the road eating cereal.

We know Frank's not a donkey.

How do we know you're not
a donkey-brained man?

Why would I have a certificate?

You don't have a certificate?

N-N-No.
The burden of proof
is not on me.

The defendant will
answer the question.

- The defendant?
I'm not the defendant!
- Just answer the question.

- No.
- No further questions.

- Oh!
- You gotta be kidding me.
Because of that?

You don't have a certificate.
What else are we supposed to...

- What in the...
- You may have donkey brains.
I don't know.

No one can prove that
they're not donkey-brained
except for him.

I just... I wish you
had a certificate.

Oh, bullshit!

- Frank, would you like
a glass of wine?
- Yeah, all right.

Huh?
Why not have a glass of wine?
I mean, after all...

Oh!

- Hey! Hey!
You can't do that!
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, whoopsie, whoopsie.
See, I bashed into Frank
while he was at a dead stop.

That's completely my fault,
Frank. I will pay for all
the damages to your shirt.

Case closed.

Oh. Well, when you put it
like that, you got me.

You know, I'm on
Dennis's side now.
He just convinced me.

Uh, hold-hold on
one second though, Charlie.

It occurs to me that Frank
assumed responsibility
for a potential spill...

the second he took the wine.

He's right.
I knew the risk.

So in this circumstance,
it would appear that Frank
is at fault.

And therefore, in the car,
Dennis is at fault.

I am on Frank's side.
Case closed.

- I pushed... I pushed him!
- Boom! You nailed it.
You know what?

Mac just made the most
credible argument of all.

Hold on a second!
Hold on, Charlie.
Credibility?

You're interested
in credibility?

I would like to call
my next witness... Mac.

So, Mac, you seem
to be pretty locked...

into Frank's side at this point.

Right? And your opinion,
it carries a lot of weight
around here, doesn't it?

Oh, absolutely.
I'm a tastemaker around here.
Pretty much what I say goes.

And I've decided
that Frank
is the winner.

Yeah. And, Charlie, you find
Mac's arguments to be
fairly credible and convincing?

I do. Yeah.
He makes a lot
of good points.

He's a good judge, and...
He's an even better bailiff.

So if you find
Mac's arguments
to be so credible,

why is it that you disagree
on the subject
of super humans?

Well, we don't...

What? What does this have
to do with the case?

Well, Mac, if your character
isn't credible,
then are your arguments?

Strike this line
of questioning
from the record, please.

Uh, overruled.
Let her continue.

Mac, do you
or do you not believe
that you could create...

a superhuman race of strongmen
through genetic mutation
and evolution?

What difference does that make?

If you believe something
that insane,

then how could you be
our tastemaker?

How could we believe anything
that you have to say?

I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Do you
or do you not believe
that you can create...

a superhuman race of strongmen
through genetic mutation
and evolution?

Uh, no.
That's ridiculous, Dee.

- What are you talking about?
- What are you talking about?
You were just...

You were just telling
Charlie this morning
all about the...

"Have you seen X-Men?"
and "my seed" and...

No, I was joking with Charlie.
That could never happen
in the real world, Dee.

- That's, like,
a comic book thing.
- He's credible.

Yeah. He's credible.
All right, we won this case.
I win this case.

- It's an open-and-shut case.
- Shit, Dennis, that was...

Wait, wait, wait.
Wait a minute.

- Mac, why don't you
believe that?
- Huh?

Well, I'm just wondering
why don't you believe...

that you could pass down a gene
that would eventually evolve
into a race of super men?

- Why?
- That's a silly question.

- Because evolution doesn't exist, of course.
- - I'm sorry?

Oh, could you repeat
that again for the room?

Because evolution
is bullshit.
It's not real.

Goddamn it!
Recess!

- Now. Get in.
- What? What? What?

You got to sway Charlie.
You got to make yourself
credible again.

What did I do?

You got to stop with this...
Your insane, crazy beliefs.

You gotta tell them
that you believe
in evolution.

Oh, come on, Frank.
That's ridiculous.

We gotta get Charlie to stop
thinking you're a lunatic.

Look, Deandra's gonna side
with Dennis. That's a given.
You want me to win?

Okay, Frank, for you,

I will make myself credible
in Charlie's eyes again
so you can win.

Just give me 15 minutes.

I'm finished, guys.
I'm finished.

Now this is all about
making myself credible
in your eyes again,

and I'm gonna do that
by admitting that evolution...

is a lie!

Goddamn you, Mac!

Yes, please do, Mac.

Now, as you can see,
this is the Evolution Meter.

And I've put God,
the creator of everything,
on the right side.

And evolution...
on the left.

I went ahead and put you guys
all on the fence, 'cause of
course you're gonna hear...

- Actually, no.
- - Let's start where I would start.

No matter.
I'm righteous.

I'm not gonna stand here,
present some egghead scientific
argument based on fact.

I'm just a regular dude.
I like to drink beer,
you know. I love my family.

Rock, flag and eagle.
Right, Charlie?

- He's got a point.
- No, he doesn't.
- What?

See, Charlie?
These liberals are trying
to assassinate my character.

And I can't change their mind.
I won't change my mind,
'cause I don't have to.

'Cause I'm an American.

I won't change my mind
on anything,

regardless of the facts
that are set out before me.

I'm dug in,
and I'll never change.

Mac, look.
You're wasting our time.

You're not gonna get us
to not believe in evolution.

And why is that?

Because the smartest scientists
in the entire world
all agree that it's real.

I'm glad you brought that up,

because, Mr. Reynolds,

science is a liar sometimes.

Oh, boy.

This is Aristotle,

thought to be
the smartest man
on the planet.

He believed that the Earth
was the center of the universe,

and everybody believed him,
because he was so smart.

Until another smartest guy
came around... Galileo.

And he disproved that theory,

making Aristotle
and everybody else
on Earth...

look like a...
bitch.

Of course,
Galileo then thought...

comets were an optical illusion,

and there was no way
that the moon could cause
the ocean's tides.

Everybody believed that
because he was so smart.

He was also wrong,

making him
and everyone else
on Earth...

look like a bitch again.

And then, best of all,

Sir Isaac Newton gets born...

and blows
everybody's nips off
with his big brains.

Course, he also thought he
could turn metal into gold
and died eating mercury,

making him yet another
stupid... bitch!

- Are you seeing a pattern?
- No.

Mr. Reynolds,
these were all the smartest
scientists on the planet.

Only problem is,
they kept being wrong.
Sometimes.

This is insane, you fool.

I'm a fool because I have
more faith in the saints
that wrote the Bible?

Yeah, because you just read
the words of a bunch of guys
that you never met,

and you just take it
on "faith" that everything
they wrote was true.

Hmm. And what
makes you think...

what your scientists
are writing is any more
truer than my saints?

Because there are volumes
of proven data. Numbers.
You know, figures.

There-There are fossil records.

Oh, fossil records. Ah!
I didn't even think
about the fossil records.

I guess I'll concede.
Oh, wait. One more thing
before I do, Mr. Reynolds.

Have you seen
these fossil records?

Have I s... Huh?

Have you pored through
the data yourself?
The numbers? The figures?

- Well, no.
Um... No.
- Oh. Interesting.

So let me
get this straight,
Mr. Reynolds.

You get your information
from a book written by men
you've never met.

And you take
their words as truth,

based on a willingness
to believe,
a desire to accept,

a leap of...

Oof, dare I say it?

Faith?

Ah, come on. Come on.
Look, I mean...

I don't even know how I'm
supposed to respond to that.
Like...

Ah, come on.

That is a...
That's a false equivalency.

Just answer the question,
Mr. Reynolds.

Sure.
Yeah, okay.

- I rest my case.
- Wow. Well, that got me.

- Frank, do you want me to...
- Put me over.

- Yeah, all right.
- What?

Well, we're going
on the fence. I mean,
that's a shadow of a doubt.

- You actually don't believe
in evolution anymore?
- I don't know.

He created a reasonable doubt.
He makes you sound like a
stupid, uh, science bitch.

Yeah, he got you good.
Oh, my God.

Wait, wait,
wait, wait. What...

What are we even talking about?

How did we get onto evolution?
This is not about evolution.

Well, it became about that when
you attacked Mac's character!

Yeah, like they did
in the O.J. trial...

to that hero cop,
Mark Fuhrman.
Right!

Okay, let's just get back
on track here. I would like
to make my closing arguments.

No, no, no, no, no.
This has gone on long enough.

And by the way, Dee, why the
hell do you give a shit about
any of this anyway?

You don't know?
You can't think
of why I might like...

to set a precedent
of responsibility for when
someone's car gets destroyed?

No.

Anybody else?
Anybody?

I... I can't really
think of anything.
Can you think of anything?

- I'm blank.
- Not ringing a bell for me.

You guys have destroyed
every single car
that I have ever owned!

And we've never had so much
as a conversation about it,

much less a trial...
A whole trial!

Are you making that up?
Isn't this...
What is she talking about?

- Are you sure that happened?
- Oh, you sons of bitches.

Oh, you goddamn sons of bitches!
I am going to destroy
everything you own!

- Ooh.
- You know what?
I'm gonna end this.

I'm gonna end this!

I still vote for Dennis.

Well, I'm still
for Frank.
Yeah.

And I am actually
gonna go to the fence.

What? God.

Oh, goddamn it!
We're nowhere with this.

All right, okay.
Guys, settle down.

I think if we've learned
anything today,
it's that, you know,

we can't
just take things
based on faith.

Only seeing is believing, right?

Let's take this to the streets.

- Thanks, guys.
- Yeah, man. No worries.

Have a good one.
Have a nice day.
Bye-bye.

Okay, here's the deal.
Dennis, if you can drive
to your apartment and back...

without spilling a single drop,

Dee, your precedent is set,
and, Frank,
you pay for everything.

Fine.
Good.

Okay. And, Frank,
if you can drive...

to our place and back
without getting in an accident,

with me giving you directions,
you can continue to drive as
long as I'm in the car with you.

Deal!
All right.

On your mark.
Get set. Go!

- Did he say
it was a race?
- No.

Why are they running?
I have no idea.

All right, steady.
Steady as she goes.
I'm going straight.

No, beautiful stuff.
This is the best.

Dee, uh, please prepare me
a bowl of cereal.
Yep.

What are you doing?
We gotta see for ourselves
how reckless this is.

You hold it in one hand
and drive with the other.
Interesting.

I know. Pretty mind-blowing
stuff, isn't it?

Then I stop at a stoplight,

and, once I'm stopped
and everything is safe,

take a bite.

All right. Here we go.
Make a left right there.

Make a what?
Uh-huh.
Go left.

Make a left.
Right.
Go left.

Right? Right or left?
No!

Make up your mind!
Deandra, shut up!

Well, dude, now that we're
alone, you can admit it.

I mean, I swayed you on
evolution a little bit, right?

Well... Uh...

Ugh!

That's crazy!
That is insane!

- How do you hit me again?
- It was Deandra's fault!

What?
She gave me the wrong
directions. This way, that way!

It was Dee's fault.
I was trying to give directions
and she interrupted me.

What are you talking about?
I was reiterating. Charlie was
giving directions, and I was...

So this is your fault?
No, wait.
This is perfect.

We were all here to witness it.
It was Dee's fault.
She'll pay for the damages.

Absolutely.
She should.
Don't you dare.

No, it was... I have an idea.
Should we have a trial?
Me and Charlie?

That's too many trials.
Too many trials.
How many trials do you want?

- Can't have a trial
for every person.
- Let's have her pay for it...

and be done with this.
All right,
that's it.

No, no! What are you...
No, because Charlie
was giving the...

I was only... You sons of...

Goddamn it!