All language subtitles for early_edition_s04e19_mel_schwartz_bounty_hunter

Rare facing child.

Hold it!

All right, don't move. Don't say a word.

Hands where I can see them.

All right.

All right, calm down.

Easy now. Now give me your wallet.

Okay. All right.

And your shoes.

Yeah, while you're down there, I'll take
your coat and your pants and all your

clothes.

All my clothes?

It's my M .O.

Hey, is that wool?

Hey, come on, big sale today, big sale.

Everything's got to go. King size, queen
size.

You buy today, your back is going to
love you in the morning.

And we've got 50 % off all box springs.

You buy two, going to throw on the
headboard.

Jump on.

Over here.

I get tomorrow's newspaper.

Today, I'm out there saving people's
lives.

That's what I do.

See, I didn't steal the mattress.

Yet you're wearing it and he's not.

Explain. You see, it was an emergency. I
was only borrowing. He ripped it off me

and ran away.

Sir?

What kind of an emergency requires a
wearable mattress?

But like I said, my clothes were stolen.

Right. The disappearing pants -stealing
mugger. And my wallet was stolen as

well, you see.

And rather than report this crime to the
police, you decided to take this man's

mattress.

Well, you see, there was this kid that
was going to get hurt, and there was a

vase, a very rare vase that was going to
fall, and it was more like an urn,

actually. Well, I had to cover two
blocks, and I didn't have any clothes.

strapped on a posturpedic.

Well, Your Honor, you see... Enough.

Considering that the mattress is
unharmed, you saved a young child and a

vase. An urn. I'm going to knock this
down to a misdemeanor.

Set bail at a reasonable $200 and let
you go home.

Thank you very much, Your Honor.

On one condition.

Psychiatric evaluation. What do I look
like, some kind of a nut? Not to me, you

don't. What is that, some kind of a
joke? Listen, let's get you home, get

food, get something to eat. You may feel
better. Yeah, get home. I don't have

time to get home right now. I've got to
race across town, stop some woman from

breaking her back for once upon a child.
But then again, it is a beautiful day

because I've got my first appointment
with my brand new court -appointed

A great day.

It's a great day indeed.

You're welcome.

For the clothes.

I got you.

Ow.

You all right? Yeah, no thanks to you.

Well, I was just trying to help. You
know, if you guys would just hire a few

more salespeople, this never would have
happened.

Well, no, I don't want to. You're always
the bottom line with big chains like

you. That's all you ever think about.

You know who gets lost in the shuffle?

The customer.

That's who.

According to this file, after you lost
your clothes, you commandeered the

mattress? No, no, no. I didn't lose
them. They were stolen. I was robbed.

That's right, by the man who splashed
you just before you came here. No, no,

That was a different man. That man was
chasing the man who stole my clothes.

That's interesting.

What I'm curious about is this.

After you borrowed the mattress, you
didn't head home to get more clothes.

Instead, you went running in the
opposite direction.

That was because of the kid.

The one who was going to get hit by the
falling urn.

Exactly.

And you knew that how?

I had a sense.

A sense?

Well, people say that I'm a little
psychic.

Psychic sense.

Does that happen often?

Every once in a while.

Where does it come from?

How's that?

The sense.

I mean, is it like a voice in your head?

Do you get messages from a TV?

Well, no, that's crazy.

The radio?

No.

Newspaper? No, I'm not... No.

Your Sun -Times reader.

Well, I like to stay current.

Isn't there any way you can just stamp
me as not crazy and let me get out of

here? I really got a lot of things I
gotta be doing right now.

Let's talk about the man who splashed
you.

It's him.

Bill Schwartz.

This is the guy that was in the vans.

What am I talking to you for?

Schwartz.

Yeah, I'm looking for... you.

Thank God you're here.

You're from the baby store, right?
Hello. I met you yesterday.

It's in the back room. My husband phoned
you, right?

What? The crib.

Wake up. Do you need coffee or
something? Because all I have is decaf.

I don't know why they have to make a
crib so complicated, but I've been on my

husband's case all month to get somebody
over here. Or God forbid, do it

himself.

Your husband is Mel Schwartz? Yeah. I
hope he paid you up front.

Because I can't find the checkbook. And
hell, if I'm going to squat down and

look under the couch again.

Is he here?

Mel, are you kidding me? It's tax
season. He's living at the office.

Which office might that be?

Kirch Cone O'Malley. What's the problem?

Do you need your taxes done?

I'll tell you what. You get this thing
together by noon, I'll get Mel to give

you a discount.

How about if I just give him a call?

Look at me.

Look at me!

I'm not getting any less pregnant, okay?
Could you just... I wanted to have the

whole room ready a month ago.

I told Mel that...

any day now, and he's got to need a
place to sleep!

Understand?

We'll maximize IRA contributions,
pension funds.

Your quarterlies are all up to date, so
I think we're even looking at a small

refund. Okay, great. The receptionist
will validate your parking.

Call me next week.

Thanks.

Linda, what time do you have?

Quarter two.

You've got Simon coming in at ten, and
Lerner called. He wants to come by this

afternoon. You need to reschedule. Which
one?

All of them. The whole day.

Oh, no, no, no, not again.

Linda. You have a partner's lunch at
noon. It's mandatory.

Cover for me.

But...

your fugitive.

Your fugitive's last known address is
Ground Zero.

Spend some time in the fugitive's
neighborhood.

Learn the streets.

Soak in the smells.

Study the faces.

Be patient.

It's just like fishing.

Remember what my daddy used to say.

Even the trickiest trout in the creek's
gotta come out to eat.

Keep your guard up at all times.

Coroner and a fugitive is like bringing
a wolf to the dentist.

Only one of you is getting out of there.

Where are you going to run now, Mr.
Peter?

I'll tell you where.

Nowhere.

You're on a road.

I swear I'm gonna. You want to play,
man? Come on.

All

right.

Don't you move.

I want my clothes back.

Who are you guys?

Mel Schwartz.

Bounty hunter.

A bounty hunter?

Technically, the title is fugitive
recovery agent.

I thought you were an accountant.

I'm kind of going through a career
transition.

Oh, I know what that's like.

Shut up.

Don't you have to have some kind of
special training to be a bounty hunter?

Oh, I'm trained.

I took a class.

What kind of class is that?

Bringing them back.

How to become a bounty hunter in nine
easy steps.

Guy's a legend.

Where do you get a tape like this?

Oh, late night TV? I almost got one
myself.

Shut up.

You mean an infomercial? It's a 12 -hour
course.

Accredited. Look, isn't bounty hunting
just a little dangerous?

A good bounty hunter learns to smell the
danger.

and swallowed a beer.

Tape three, side two.

What I mean is, don't you think maybe
there's a better vocation you could have

picked seeing that you've got a wife and
a little baby on the way?

How'd you know that?

Because you've got a brand new baby
seat.

So I've got a family.

Lots of bounty hunters have families.

Yeah, well, you could have been killed.

You know what?

I don't want to hear this.

I don't need any doubting Thomases in my
life right now. Look, pal, I'm just

trying to help you out. Yeah, well,
don't.

Well, I appreciate your assistance back
there. You're not my father, you're not

my rabbi, you're not my shrink, okay?

That's great.

Shrink? Oh, no.

Well, I'm sorry.

The appointment was for 12, 12 noon.

Yeah.

Well, you see, it was really beyond my
control.

Do you do that often?

Do what?

Shift the responsibility for your own
actions somewhere else.

Oh, I don't do that. I never do that. So
you were late today because... Because

of Mel Schwartz, the accountant turned
bounty hunter.

And he just happens to be the one that
splashed me the other day as well.

Really? Yeah, that's right.

Mel Schwartz.

So how do you explain the sudden
appearance of Mr.

Schwartz in your life?

That's a very interesting question.

He just sort of keeps popping up all
over the place.

But you see, actually, I think it's
because he's going through a midlife

probably, and he's looking for adventure
and such.

Who's looking for adventure?

Mel Schwartz.

Say, scumbag.

Lumber.

Another blow for justice.

Feels pretty good, doesn't it? You have
no idea.

You never forget your first fallen.

There you go.

$250 cash on delivery.

Wow.

To be honest, I didn't think you had it
in you, Mel. You must be one tough

accountant. So, what's next? Hey, slow
down there, tiger.

Want to get back out there?

The cupboard's all bare right now.

Nothing?

Well...

I got one outstanding skit, but this
one,

he's not for you.

Why not?

He's armed and dangerous, up on assault
and battery charges. He's already served

an armed robbery rap.

Can I see it?

I'll do respect now.

I can't send a rookie up against this
guy. I won't have that on my head.

Miss Davlin, I have found my calling.

When I chased that guy down today, it
was like...

Like I was awake for the first time in
my life.

I'm not looking to take foolish risks.
I'm a CPA for crying out loud. I'm

trained to evaluate risk.

Worst case scenario, I don't find the
guy, you send someone else.

What do you say?

I like your spirit.

Odessa McNeil.

He's arrested for, uh...

Leaving four guys in a rival biker gang
unconscious in a street fight.

Posted a $90 ,000 bomb for him two weeks
ago.

Haven't heard from him since.

He goes by his nickname, Dumpy.

Dumpy? Yeah, rumor has it that he ripped
the arm off of a guy who owed him money

and beat him to death with it.

But that's just a rumor, right?

Here's a list of acquaintances,
associates, bars and motels he

Good luck.

You know, I'm not making this up.
There's nothing wrong with me.

If you'd pay attention to me and you'd
listen to a second, you'd see that... I

see what?

Mr. Hobson.

I have to go.

Excuse me? I have to go right away. But
we're not through. Yeah, well, it's a

matter of... Life and death.

You said it, not me. Who?

Is it... Mel Schwartz, and I'll see you
tomorrow. Same time. Thank you.

Yes, this is Dr.

Sunderland from Forensic Psych.

Yeah, I'm calling about the Hobson case.

Gary Hobson.

The diagnosis is much more complicated
than first perceived.

I want the full team in for evaluation.

Yeah. I think we might have to take him
off the street.

I want to be your pretty baby,

yours and yours and yours.

The search for your fugitive may take
you to some strange and unusual places.

Just keep telling yourself this.

Wherever you are, you belong.

A bounty hunter is not a tourist.

A bounty hunter is a citizen of the
world.

I am a citizen of the world.

I am a citizen of the world.

Excuse me.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm going in to see Mr. Schwartz.

You can't go in there.

You can't be in here.

Where is he? I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

Skokie? Skokie?

Do you have any idea what your boss does
for a hobby?

He's a very private person.

What are you doing?

Your boss is going to get himself
killed, and I'm going to stop him before

does. Give me that.

That is Mr.

Schwartz's private property.

Let me tell you something about Mr.

Schwartz.

The wife.

Mrs. George!

It's everything. Where is he?

Where's Mel? We need to talk to him
right now.

The guy from the baby store totally
flaked.

The grids in pieces.

The room's a mess.

I can't find any of the phone numbers I
need.

Oh, God.

I'm sure he'll be back any minute.

Susan?

Is everything okay?

I haven't eaten since breakfast.

Oh, well, let's get you to the kitchen.

Hello?

Over here?

Hey, Bubba!

What?

Unlock it, Vikram.

Dumpy McNeil, big guy, ponytail.

You been in here lately?

Who are you?

Look, I'm a bounty hunter.

What?

A bounty hunter.

I'm a bounty hunter, all right?

a citizen's rest.

You are all under arrest. I do have that
power.

A little darts.

Listen, I think we've all learned an
important lesson here today.

Can't we just... One, two, three.

There's no misunderstanding.

This guy's a damn bounty hunter.

A bounty hunter?

No, no, no, no, no. This guy's no
bounty. He's an accountant.

What are you doing? You're killing my
street cred here.

Have you ever seen a bounty hunter
before? I mean, look at this guy.

Look at him.

Does he look like a bounty hunter?

Nah, he don't look like no bounty
hunter. Oh, good. I'll just untie him

But you do.

Yeah, well, that's a different story.

I'm not bothering you. I'm just... Well,
Mel, tell your friends here.

Tell them exactly... Mel?

Meat. You hold him.

I'll check his pockets.

Oh, meat.

Well,

what do we got here?

Davalin's bail bonds.

Oh, that's the mistake.

You see, that shouldn't be there.

There's a very funny story behind that,
actually, though, if you'd like to hear

it.

Why don't you tell us what happened to
you?

Oh, it was just a misunderstanding.

Go on.

Well, you see, I had to go to this biker
bar.

I didn't want to go to the bar.

Believe me, I didn't want to go.

I had to help out a friend.

Mel Schwartz?

That's right.

Tell us about Mel Schwartz.

What's it like when you see him?

What's it like?

I'll tell you what it's like. It's a
pain in the neck is what it's like.

Can't you make him go away?

I wish I could. Believe me.

Is he here right now?

Who?

Mel Schwartz.

Is he what?

Is he in the room?

Are you Mel Schwartz?

Are you Mel Schwartz? Are you Mel
Schwartz? No, I don't think so. So I

think Mel Schwartz is in the room. No,
the answer would be no.

What's he writing?

Linda.

Linda, just calm down. Take it easy.

Tell me to calm down.

Every one of your clients has called
today. Two of the partners stopped by,

your wife is looking for you.

I can't keep telling people you're in
Skokie.

Just a couple more hours, I swear, then
I'm back at the office.

Where are you?

Acres Motel on Lincoln, but that's for
emergencies only.

Mel, this has to stop.

You need to come back where you belong.

Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

I'll pay this afternoon.

So, you're sure this guy's here?

Unit 51.

Checked in yesterday.

Thanks, pal.

We've been on the QT.

Whatever.

I need to see my husband.

He's not here.

Where is he, Linda?

And don't tell me, Skokie!

Is he having an affair?

No. Is he seeing someone else?

No. Is he leaving me? Oh, no.

No, he's just been done.

I'm begging you.

I am nine and a half months pregnant,
but I will get down on my knees and beg.

Where is my husband?

Calm down, Gary.

Calm down. It was a disaster.

I'll tell you what. Ten to one, those
people are talking about locking me up

right now. And you know what the crazy
part is? There's a crazy part? It might

not be such a bad idea. Gary. I'm
serious.

A couple weeks in a psych ward seems
like a vacation about now.

Oh, yeah. Right up until the point where
they give you electroshock therapy.

They still do that?

Oh, yeah.

Amateur bounty hunter disappeared.

You're killing me, Mel.

Are you looking for me?

Who raised me up?

Hey! Let him go.

Who the hell are you?

I'm gonna kill you.

Him?

Stumpy? I was doing just fine without
you.

I had the situation under control.

All right.

I got here first, you know.

Leg irons.

It's not what you think.

You're... You're... Susan, honey, love
of my life.

I've got something to tell you.

I don't want to hear this.

I'm a bounty hunter.

What? If it's any consolation, Miss
Schwartz, he's not very good at it.

No, he's not.

Honey, close the door.

Just don't overreact.

I go to bed with an accountant.

I wake up with a bounty hunter.

I don't think I'm overreacting.

I'm an accountant and a bounty hunter.

I'm a hyphenate.

But why?

I walk into dinner parties.

People ask me what I do for a living.

I get the polite nod, and they head for
the hors d 'oeuvres.

That's okay.

Goes with the territory.

But lately, I've been boring myself.

Oh, Mel.

When I was nine years old, I wanted to
be an FBI agent.

I sent them a letter and everything.

Mel, everybody wants to be an FBI agent
when they're nine.

Not me.

Quiet.

This is my last chance, Susan.

We're going to have this kid.

And when he looks up at me, I want him
to see someone he can be proud of.

Someone who's had adventures. Someone he
finds exciting.

You know, that's just wrong -headed
thinking.

You mind?

Oh, you think you had an adventure
today?

Listen, if it wasn't for this guy right
here, you'd be dead.

How's that for an adventure?

That's not true, honey.

What do you know, anyway?

More than you think.

I got two kids. And believe me, they
don't want you running around chasing

felons. They want you home.

They want to have dinner with you.

And they want to show you the finger
painting they did today at school.

I don't need this.

Where's my pepper spray?

No, no, I got to say, Mel, I agree with
them.

Not you, too.

Mel, forget them.

Listen to me.

I'm proud of you.

I've always been proud of you.

You're smart.

You're responsible.

You're loyal.

Those are just code words for boring.
No.

Never boring.

This baby, he's gonna be lucky to have a
dad like you.

Uh -oh.

What?

You want adventure, Mel?

You want excitement?

I do.

Then get... me to the hospital.

My water just broke.

We're never going to make it. We'll make
it. Hey, let me drive. What do you

think I'm an idiot? Put him in the back.
You saw my file. You know what I did

time for? Armed robbery.

I was a getaway driver.

Kill him. Don't look at me.

We got 15 miles to the hospital.

Yeah, rush hour traffic. He had a baby
on the way. If you want to get there

before you become a dad, let me drive.

Don't screw around here. I still got the
pepper spray.

Get in the car.

Mel, hurry up. You in, honey?

Let's go.

Look at that little guy.

He's got your eyes, bro.

Don't you see it?

Oh, uh...

Oh, yeah.

Look at that noggin. That's going to be
one smart kid.

Here comes my ride.

Hi, fellas.

Listen, Odessa.

Call me Dumpy.

When you get settled, I'm going to come
visit.

Set up that college fund for your kids.
Insurance trust the works.

Well, I don't know. I don't have a whole
hell of a lot of savings. You got time.

And with the power of compounding
interest, your boys will be all right.

Hey, thanks, man.

Keep him out of trouble, will you?

Oh, yeah, I'll try.

All right, guys.

Hey, listen, if you let me drive, I'll
show you a whole bunch of shortcuts.

Let's go, big guy.

Congratulations.

He's really something, isn't he?

Yes, he is.

Say, you're not going to be doing any
more of the... Donnie, honey?

Don't worry. Good.

Somewhere between the motel and the
hospital, I seem to have reclaimed my

sanity. In fact, I want you to have
these.

The bounty hunter, of course.

Most of them, anyway.

My way of saying thanks for saving my
life back there.

Oh, well, you're welcome.

And in the bar.

Yeah.

And in the alley.

If there's ever anything I could do for
you. Well, no, that's all right, really.

I think you've done enough.

Well,

as a matter of fact, I really... Dr.

Stoneman? Mr. Hobson?

I'd like you to meet Mel.

Mel Schwartz.

Mel.

This is Mel.

Schwartz. Mel Schwartz. In the flesh.
Pleasure to meet you.

Mel Schwartz as an accountant turned
bounty hunter, Mel Schwartz? That's me.

Of course, I'm just an accountant these
days.

Your friend here convinced me to retire
from all that craziness.

And I'm not paying him to say that
either. Go ahead, Schwartz, mighty.

Mr. Schwartz, your wife is asking for
you. I'll be right there. We just had a

boy. What do you need, driver's license,
library card? Forget it, forget it. I

believe you.

Go on, go on.

Thanks again.

Looks like I owe you an apology.

Why don't you tell it to the judge?

I'll file my report as soon as I get
back to my office.

Good, good.

Mr. Hobson, are you free Wednesday
afternoons?

How's that?

Well, I no longer believe that you pose
a threat to yourself or the society at

large, but it's my professional opinion
that you could use some therapy.

Lots of therapy.

Really?

Okay.

In case you change your mind.

No, thank you.

Chasing fugitives is not for everyone.

It may not be the job for you.

What's important in this life is that
you're honest with yourself.

It's like my daddy used to say, wherever
you go, whatever you do, be happy in

your work.

Audrey always promised that she would
take care of her sister's children

anything happen to her.

But it's a much easier thing to say than
actually do. But like love, acceptance

and family, life's miracles can never be
taken for granted.

Escape with us in a touching story.

Audrey's Reign, next.