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1
00:00:02,335 --> 00:00:03,669
I said it.
I said it right there.
2
00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:04,703
I was like,
"you a woman."
3
00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:05,771
- Mm-hmm.
- "I'm a man."
4
00:00:05,773 --> 00:00:07,573
- Mm-hmm.
- There's a difference--
5
00:00:07,575 --> 00:00:08,574
Oh, what?
6
00:00:08,576 --> 00:00:10,175
They bumpin' [bleep]
up in here.
7
00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:11,610
Here it is.
It's going off.
8
00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:14,680
Yo!
Hey!
9
00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:19,618
Which one of y'all
mother[bleep]...
10
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:21,220
Bumped me?
11
00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:22,121
I did.
12
00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:25,591
What the [bleep] you gonna do
about it?
13
00:00:25,593 --> 00:00:27,426
What's up?
14
00:00:29,429 --> 00:00:32,464
Oh, I'll tell you
what I'ma do about it!
15
00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:33,799
You don't want
to do this today.
16
00:00:33,801 --> 00:00:34,700
Ooh, yeah.
Yeah, what?
17
00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:35,901
You lucky my friend's
holding me.
18
00:00:35,903 --> 00:00:37,603
You lucky,
'cause I'll tear your head off!
19
00:00:37,605 --> 00:00:40,305
Don't hold me back, dude!
Don't hold me back!
20
00:00:40,307 --> 00:00:42,508
Oh, okay.
Then go for it.
21
00:00:47,580 --> 00:00:49,014
See, I know, though,
22
00:00:49,016 --> 00:00:51,316
If I were to lunge
at you right now,
23
00:00:51,318 --> 00:00:53,419
My friend right here--
he'd catch me
24
00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:55,054
At the last
possible second--
25
00:00:55,056 --> 00:00:57,589
No, no,
no, I won't.
26
00:01:02,929 --> 00:01:06,532
But my friend does have
the cognizance
27
00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:09,101
To tell me I don't need
to be going up
28
00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:12,471
And committing capital murder
up in a club tonight.
29
00:01:12,473 --> 00:01:14,740
Oh, no, just knock him
unconscious, dog.
30
00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:16,742
Bam!
31
00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:17,743
You don't have
to kill anybody.
32
00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:21,814
I mean, no need for that.
That's excessive.
33
00:01:21,816 --> 00:01:23,849
Tear him up.
34
00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:25,284
I will, but--
35
00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:29,688
[stammering]
wait. Let me finish my sentence.
36
00:01:29,690 --> 00:01:32,624
I will, uh...
37
00:01:34,861 --> 00:01:36,095
Oh!
38
00:01:36,097 --> 00:01:38,797
Oh, snap.
You know what?
39
00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:41,667
You lucky my boy's using
his telekinetic powers
40
00:01:41,669 --> 00:01:43,635
To hold me back
right now.
41
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:44,636
No, I'm not.
42
00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:48,907
Well, maybe it's the type
of telekinesis
43
00:01:48,909 --> 00:01:53,412
That's a mutant power that you
didn't realize you had
44
00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:56,215
Until the moment it--
45
00:01:56,217 --> 00:01:57,249
Oh, oh!
46
00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:58,517
I got it.
I see, I see.
47
00:01:58,519 --> 00:02:00,085
So you want me
to hold you back.
48
00:02:00,087 --> 00:02:01,353
[bleep]...
49
00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:02,955
[screaming]
50
00:02:02,957 --> 00:02:04,056
I'm a dragon.
51
00:02:04,058 --> 00:02:05,457
Oh, yeah,
I want to rip this.
52
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:07,893
I'm a lion.
I'm a tiger over here.
53
00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:09,761
I'm a bear.
Oh, my.
54
00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:11,263
I'll go crazy
on you.
55
00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:12,331
Oh, I can't believe it.
56
00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:14,266
The man--he's like a tornado
up in here.
57
00:02:14,268 --> 00:02:15,067
Don't hold me back.
58
00:02:15,069 --> 00:02:17,169
I can't even believe
I can hold him back.
59
00:02:17,171 --> 00:02:17,803
Do it, man!
60
00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:19,271
I can't believe
I'm this strong!
61
00:02:19,273 --> 00:02:20,272
Let me go!
Let me go!
62
00:02:20,274 --> 00:02:23,041
I'm one-arming it.
I can't believe I'm this strong.
63
00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:23,642
Let me go!
64
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:24,776
I'ma hold him back
with one finger.
65
00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:26,612
He's like a little baby.
He can't get past me.
66
00:02:26,614 --> 00:02:27,713
He's like a little--ow!
What?
67
00:02:27,715 --> 00:02:30,883
- I'm a little baby?
- I'm holding you back, man!
68
00:02:30,885 --> 00:02:32,151
- You're stupid, man!
- I know.
69
00:02:32,153 --> 00:02:33,485
I got carried away.
I apologize.
70
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:34,586
What you mean
you got carried away?
71
00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:37,055
You told me to hold you back.
I was holding you back.
72
00:02:37,057 --> 00:02:38,090
What do you
want me to do?
73
00:02:38,092 --> 00:02:39,725
In a fight situation,
no means no,
74
00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:40,459
And yes means yes.
75
00:02:40,461 --> 00:02:41,927
How would
I have known that?
76
00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:43,529
Oh, wait.
Come on, man, ow.
77
00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:44,630
Come on, that hurt.
78
00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:45,697
And you holding me
back now?
79
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:47,166
Thank you
very much for that.
80
00:02:47,168 --> 00:02:49,968
Okay, well,
just at least change it up.
81
00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:51,537
Okay, now
you listen.
82
00:02:51,539 --> 00:02:54,806
[haunting western music]
83
00:02:54,808 --> 00:03:03,115
♪ ♪
84
00:03:17,363 --> 00:03:19,565
- You know what we have as men?
- What's that?
85
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:23,302
The sorrow to know
that we will never
86
00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:26,939
Bring life
into this planet.
87
00:03:26,941 --> 00:03:29,408
Are you--is that something
that you're mourning?
88
00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:30,275
Are you mourning
the fact
89
00:03:30,277 --> 00:03:31,743
That you don't have
that opportunity?
90
00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:35,247
I mean, women have
the special superhuman power
91
00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:38,584
To produce another human
from their body.
92
00:03:38,586 --> 00:03:40,219
We do help
in that endeavor...
93
00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:42,487
- More often than not.
- Eh.
94
00:03:42,489 --> 00:03:44,890
We toss a little
something in there,
95
00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:45,691
Into the mixture.
96
00:03:45,693 --> 00:03:46,792
Did you have
to say "toss"?
97
00:03:46,794 --> 00:03:50,629
Well, you know,
you do things your way.
98
00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:53,031
I'll do things my way.
99
00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:54,233
Do you know
what I mean?
100
00:03:54,235 --> 00:03:55,667
Mm-mm. No.
No, no, wait.
101
00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:56,635
Hold on. No.
I do not--
102
00:03:56,637 --> 00:03:59,404
I have no idea
what you mean.
103
00:04:04,277 --> 00:04:05,444
So what do you want
to do tonight?
104
00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:07,112
Like, I was thinking
maybe we could meet up
105
00:04:07,114 --> 00:04:08,814
With amy and brad,
and, like, before that,
106
00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:10,682
We could go to angela's,
and before that,
107
00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:12,217
We could, like, just go--
108
00:04:12,219 --> 00:04:14,386
Meegan.
109
00:04:14,388 --> 00:04:16,989
I have something
to say.
110
00:04:18,725 --> 00:04:19,725
[exhales sharply]
111
00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,326
I had to say it
in person
112
00:04:21,328 --> 00:04:25,964
Because it's--
it's, like, super important.
113
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:30,602
Okay.
114
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:31,937
Um...
115
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,273
I know this is sudden,
but, like,
116
00:04:34,275 --> 00:04:37,509
I've been thinking
about this for a while.
117
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:41,847
And I know this is something
that needs to happen.
118
00:04:41,849 --> 00:04:43,482
I'm breaking up
with you.
119
00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:44,850
Cool.
Love it.
120
00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:47,486
Totally fine
with that.
121
00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:53,058
- R-really?
- Yeah.
122
00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:55,260
'cause I thought--
123
00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:56,428
I was really worried
124
00:04:56,430 --> 00:04:59,331
That you were
gonna be, like, mad.
125
00:04:59,333 --> 00:05:01,166
Mad?
Oh, my god.
126
00:05:01,168 --> 00:05:02,601
Are you kidding me?
127
00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:05,103
No, of course
I'm not mad.
128
00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:06,838
People grow apart.
It happens.
129
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,206
It's, like,
part of life.
130
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:09,241
No, I'm totally fine.
131
00:05:09,243 --> 00:05:12,611
Like, love it,
love it, love it.
132
00:05:12,613 --> 00:05:15,314
Um...
[clears throat]
133
00:05:15,316 --> 00:05:17,749
So...
134
00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:19,251
Uh, um...
135
00:05:19,253 --> 00:05:21,787
We had a good run.
136
00:05:21,789 --> 00:05:23,088
Yeah.
137
00:05:26,626 --> 00:05:29,728
And, uh, don't be
a stranger.
138
00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:32,331
Can I just--
139
00:05:32,333 --> 00:05:34,099
Can I ask why?
140
00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:36,335
- Why?
- Yeah, like, whatevs.
141
00:05:36,337 --> 00:05:37,936
Like, I'm doing some work
on myself
142
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:39,471
And, like, trying to grow
as a person,
143
00:05:39,473 --> 00:05:42,941
So I'd really, like,
appreciate to know why.
144
00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:44,276
Yeah, um...
145
00:05:44,278 --> 00:05:45,711
Okay, yeah,
that's, like--
146
00:05:45,713 --> 00:05:48,380
You know, I think
that you're kind of, like,
147
00:05:48,382 --> 00:05:50,615
A controlling
person who--
148
00:05:50,617 --> 00:05:51,950
Thank you.
Thank you for that.
149
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:55,087
That's nice.
Thank you for that.
150
00:05:55,089 --> 00:05:56,488
Cool.
No problem.
151
00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:59,257
So you know what
your problem is, andre?
152
00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:00,158
What?
153
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:03,128
You keep tabs
on people.
154
00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:04,596
Every little thing
somebody does,
155
00:06:04,598 --> 00:06:07,866
You have to keep
a tab of it.
156
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:11,536
Wait. I-I can't tell
if you're angry or not.
157
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:12,437
I'm not.
158
00:06:12,439 --> 00:06:14,706
Mm, totally not angry.
159
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:15,774
No, I'm excited.
It's good.
160
00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,809
It's just, like,
you said your piece,
161
00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:21,880
And I just think
that I deserve the human decency
162
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,281
To say my piece.
163
00:06:23,283 --> 00:06:24,082
Right, right.
164
00:06:24,084 --> 00:06:26,284
Is that--
is that not okay?
165
00:06:26,286 --> 00:06:28,553
No, no, no.
It's--
166
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,389
Of course, of course.
167
00:06:30,391 --> 00:06:32,591
You're a controlling,
manipulative person.
168
00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:33,759
Everyone says that.
169
00:06:33,761 --> 00:06:35,460
I-I don't think
that I am.
170
00:06:35,462 --> 00:06:37,329
Yes, you are, andre.
171
00:06:37,331 --> 00:06:40,832
Yes, you mother[bleep] are.
172
00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:43,535
Okay, now--now,
you sound pretty angry.
173
00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:45,570
I'm not angry!
174
00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:47,939
I'm not angry.
I'm fine.
175
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:48,540
I love it!
176
00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:50,308
I love that you came
to my house,
177
00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:51,910
And you broke up with me
in my space.
178
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:54,079
And I'm gonna think about that
every time I'm here.
179
00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:55,347
That's great.
That is so perfect for me.
180
00:06:55,349 --> 00:06:57,983
[crying]
it's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
181
00:06:57,985 --> 00:06:59,317
Where else was
I supposed to do it?
182
00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:00,552
'cause you won't come
to my house.
183
00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:03,288
Oh, here he is.
The puppet master is back.
184
00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:05,323
But I'm not--
no, I'm not the puppet master.
185
00:07:05,325 --> 00:07:06,525
Why are you
doing this to me?
186
00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:08,026
It's true.
You won't come to my house.
187
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:09,828
You said my apartment
looks like two rats
188
00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:11,430
Just [bleep] in it
every [bleep] day.
189
00:07:11,432 --> 00:07:13,665
Oh, right,
like, thank you for that.
190
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:14,566
I'm a bitch.
Thank you.
191
00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:16,368
I didn't call--
no, I didn't say "bitch."
192
00:07:16,370 --> 00:07:17,536
- I didn't--
- which is it?
193
00:07:17,538 --> 00:07:18,703
Am I evil,
or am I a bitch?
194
00:07:18,705 --> 00:07:20,005
No, no, you're
not evil, meegan.
195
00:07:20,007 --> 00:07:21,807
Well, then why
are you punishing me?
196
00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:24,109
I'm not punishing you.
I'm not--
197
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:24,976
You broke up with me,
198
00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:26,478
And I'm not supposed
to feel punished.
199
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:29,114
- Who thinks like that?
- [shouting]
200
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:31,149
I don't know!
I'm sorry.
201
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:32,751
I'm sorry,
okay, meegan?
202
00:07:32,753 --> 00:07:34,386
I guess I didn't think
it through.
203
00:07:34,388 --> 00:07:35,454
Well, it's, like,
too late now.
204
00:07:35,456 --> 00:07:37,489
- I mean, we're done.
- No, it's not too late.
205
00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:39,591
Meegan, meegan,
seriously, I just--
206
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:43,061
I-I-I had a feeling
that I thought was true,
207
00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:45,764
And clearly--
clearly it wasn't true.
208
00:07:45,766 --> 00:07:47,699
Like, I'm so confused.
209
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:49,034
Like, are you
breaking up with me,
210
00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:50,235
Or are you not
breaking up with me?
211
00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:52,971
Meegan, I'm not
breaking up with you!
212
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,873
Okay, cool. So what do you want
to do tonight?
213
00:07:54,875 --> 00:07:56,441
Like, I want to hang out
with amy and brad,
214
00:07:56,443 --> 00:07:58,844
But maybe before that,
we can go to angela's.
215
00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:01,947
[dark music]
216
00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:03,114
♪ ♪
217
00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:05,584
What just happened?
218
00:08:10,256 --> 00:08:11,490
[smooth jazz music]
219
00:08:11,492 --> 00:08:13,825
Welcome back
to the morty jebsen show.
220
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:14,593
I'm morty jebsen.
221
00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:16,862
We're here today
continuing our conversation
222
00:08:16,864 --> 00:08:20,532
With unbelievable
mega superstar
223
00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:21,967
Young bidness.
224
00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:23,969
Now, young bidness,
I got to tell you,
225
00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:25,303
We've been
tiptoeing around
226
00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:26,671
A particular subject
all day,
227
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:28,240
And I think it's time
to broach it.
228
00:08:28,242 --> 00:08:31,243
You've separated recently
with your actress girlfriend,
229
00:08:31,245 --> 00:08:31,843
Tina bouquet.
230
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:34,546
- No, mort, mort.
- And everybody wants to know--
231
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,114
We ain't gonna talk
about that.
232
00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:37,782
I'm not here
to talk about that.
233
00:08:37,784 --> 00:08:39,284
I just want to hear
your side of the story.
234
00:08:39,286 --> 00:08:41,553
You don't want to hear--
I told y'all mother[bleep]
235
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:43,221
We weren't gonna talk
about that, mort.
236
00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:44,656
I'm trying to talk
about the music.
237
00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:47,125
And lots of people understand
that you're talking
238
00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:49,160
About your own
personal experiences.
239
00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:51,563
Your fans
would like to know--
240
00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:52,631
How many times
I need--
241
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:54,966
Why--what--
the fans don't want to know.
242
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:55,800
That's--
you want to know!
243
00:08:55,802 --> 00:08:57,035
- I just want to clarify--
- you want to know.
244
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,137
You ain't want to clari--
you want clarification?
245
00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:00,739
I want to hear your side
of the story.
246
00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:02,240
I'll tell you
my side of the story.
247
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:03,842
Interview's over.
How about that?
248
00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:04,543
Interview's over.
249
00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:05,577
- Please, young bidness.
- Done.
250
00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:07,913
There's no need
for the interview to be over.
251
00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:08,914
Interview's over.
252
00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:09,781
All y'all
mother[bleep].
253
00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:12,651
Young bidness, there's no need
for the language or any of this.
254
00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:14,319
All y'all--
I told y'all mother[bleep]
255
00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:15,487
I wasn't gonna talk
about that.
256
00:09:15,489 --> 00:09:16,621
Do you want to talk
about the album?
257
00:09:16,623 --> 00:09:19,024
'cause I'd be more than happy
to talk about the album.
258
00:09:19,026 --> 00:09:20,091
- This is the c-word.
- Mort.
259
00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:22,193
It looks like it's well
on its way to going platinum.
260
00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:25,096
[bleep]--get the [bleep]
away from me, [bleep].
261
00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:27,632
Louis, louis.
262
00:09:27,634 --> 00:09:29,301
Well on its way
to going platinum.
263
00:09:29,303 --> 00:09:30,602
We can talk
about this.
264
00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:32,537
This [bleep]
is tucked in here.
265
00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:33,305
It's fine with me.
266
00:09:33,307 --> 00:09:34,639
You want to talk
about the album?
267
00:09:34,641 --> 00:09:35,774
We can talk
about the album.
268
00:09:35,776 --> 00:09:36,741
How about tanks of truth?
269
00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:38,910
Tanks of truth--
is that a treatise
270
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,645
On the conflict
with isis?
271
00:09:40,647 --> 00:09:43,281
I mean, what--
talk to me about this.
272
00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:44,015
What--
273
00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:45,650
Young bidness, please,
I'm begging you.
274
00:09:45,652 --> 00:09:47,686
Just sit down,
take a deep breath,
275
00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:48,520
And let's discuss.
276
00:09:48,522 --> 00:09:50,322
- No.
- Let's discuss the album.
277
00:09:50,324 --> 00:09:52,991
It's done, mort.
It's done.
278
00:09:56,295 --> 00:09:57,395
So...
279
00:09:57,397 --> 00:09:58,563
You brought this
on yourself, mort.
280
00:09:58,565 --> 00:10:00,732
- Young bidness--
- you brought it on yourself.
281
00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:01,866
Young bidness,
young bidness,
282
00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:03,535
I would really love it
if you had a seat,
283
00:10:03,537 --> 00:10:04,769
And we could just
talk together
284
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,438
About anything--
anything you want.
285
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:09,341
We don't--I won't mention
tina's name again.
286
00:10:09,343 --> 00:10:10,442
Young bidness.
287
00:10:10,444 --> 00:10:12,410
How the [bleep]--
288
00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:13,478
Youthful--
289
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:14,946
How does--
where does it go to?
290
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:15,780
Louis, help him.
291
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:19,250
No, get the [bleep]--
get the [bleep] off me, louis.
292
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:20,785
Louis, go.
293
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:21,419
Leave it be.
294
00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:22,787
You're exacerbating
the situation.
295
00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:24,723
(young bidness)
this [bleep]
attached to?
296
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:26,725
- It's probably--
- it's just a lot of slack.
297
00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:28,927
The cord is blending in
with the color of the carpet.
298
00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:30,695
- So what--what--
- okay, I just think that--
299
00:10:30,697 --> 00:10:33,999
Young bidness, why don't
you drop the mic cable
300
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:34,699
And have a seat?
301
00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:37,268
This is what we used to call
back in the army a fubar.
302
00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:38,970
Let me just--okay,
let me just tell you--
303
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:41,139
No, get--
don't get involved.
304
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:42,407
We have to get you
out of here.
305
00:10:42,409 --> 00:10:44,376
Amy, please,
can we just get--
306
00:10:44,378 --> 00:10:47,746
Listen--
here, if you let go of it...
307
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:48,546
Let me get in there.
308
00:10:48,548 --> 00:10:50,081
Don't get in it.
Don't--see?
309
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:51,249
I'm trying
to get around--
310
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:53,652
Don't step
on my jacket!
311
00:10:53,654 --> 00:10:55,654
$1,500 jacket, bitch.
312
00:10:55,656 --> 00:10:56,221
Get--
313
00:10:56,223 --> 00:10:58,857
Why do we have black cords
and a black carpet?
314
00:10:58,859 --> 00:11:00,058
All right, well,
you mother[bleep]--
315
00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:05,296
I told y'all I wasn't gonna--
louis, I swear to [bleep] god!
316
00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:07,499
We're gonna
take care of it.
317
00:11:07,501 --> 00:11:08,833
Just stay put.
318
00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:09,434
Now you got--
319
00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:12,370
Now I seemed to have gotten
myself tangled in it.
320
00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:14,406
Don't--you ain't--
321
00:11:14,408 --> 00:11:16,374
Get off me, man.
322
00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:17,509
Now it's just me.
323
00:11:17,511 --> 00:11:18,443
Can I--may I help you?
324
00:11:18,445 --> 00:11:19,811
Don't touch the jacket.
325
00:11:19,813 --> 00:11:20,745
I'm sorry.
326
00:11:20,747 --> 00:11:21,546
Look, okay, here's--
327
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:23,281
- Raise you knee.
- There's one end right here.
328
00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:26,251
- You got to get--now--
- hold on. I got bursitis.
329
00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:27,185
You know what?
Here.
330
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,019
Here's what
we're gonna do.
331
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,954
Have a seat here.
Put your fanny right here.
332
00:11:29,956 --> 00:11:31,923
- Don't say "fanny."
- there.
333
00:11:31,925 --> 00:11:33,091
- There you go.
- All right.
334
00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:36,127
How you--you do it--
what, you do this--
335
00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:36,661
Don't.
336
00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:37,796
You ain't taking
the pants off.
337
00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:39,397
Nicole, god damn it.
Where is jerry?
338
00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:41,132
This is some [bleep]
right here.
339
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,268
Same sound guy
for 27 years,
340
00:11:43,270 --> 00:11:44,736
And he vanishes
into thin air.
341
00:11:44,738 --> 00:11:45,670
All right,
all right, no.
342
00:11:45,672 --> 00:11:46,838
Nicole,
for god's sake.
343
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,808
All right,
louis, louis.
344
00:11:49,810 --> 00:11:50,442
Hold that.
345
00:11:50,444 --> 00:11:53,011
Don't do anything
but hold that.
346
00:11:53,013 --> 00:11:54,345
Okay, no, no.
You got to put--
347
00:11:54,347 --> 00:11:55,280
No, [bleep],
you got to take--
348
00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:57,649
No, you can't take
the pants off over the shoes!
349
00:11:57,651 --> 00:11:59,551
You can't take
the pants off over the shoes!
350
00:11:59,553 --> 00:12:01,352
Louis, louis,
get your white ass
351
00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:02,253
Out the mother[bleep].
352
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:03,655
You ain't
helping nobody.
353
00:12:03,657 --> 00:12:05,924
- All right, all right.
- I'm taking the shoes off.
354
00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:08,727
Okay, left one first.
All right, well...
355
00:12:08,729 --> 00:12:11,563
Do whatever the [bleep]
you want, then, [bleep], fine.
356
00:12:11,565 --> 00:12:14,332
Thank you.
One, two...
357
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:15,066
Thank you!
358
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:18,470
I told y'all I wasn't
gonna talk about that [bleep]!
359
00:12:24,110 --> 00:12:27,011
We'll be right back
with alec baldwin.
360
00:12:27,013 --> 00:12:29,481
[haunting western music]
361
00:12:29,483 --> 00:12:31,750
(jordan)
I'm not like one
of those guys that's, like--
362
00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:33,985
Who wants a girl
to call him "daddy" or anything.
363
00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:35,653
I don't like...
[mumbling]
364
00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:37,388
- [shudders]
- uncle is fine.
365
00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:38,823
You know
what I mean?
366
00:12:38,825 --> 00:12:41,259
- Grandpa.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
367
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:43,261
[laughing]
368
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,697
- You know, this is the--
- papi.
369
00:12:45,699 --> 00:12:46,798
- Papi.
- Abuelo.
370
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:47,899
You know?
Just no--
371
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,601
Just--
daddy is just--
372
00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:51,169
That's weird.
That's strange to me.
373
00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:53,304
- That's strange to me.
- It's weird.
374
00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:54,339
That's strange
to me.
375
00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:57,675
Your highness.
These are the kind of--
376
00:12:57,677 --> 00:12:58,676
Big boy.
377
00:12:58,678 --> 00:13:00,245
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
378
00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:01,813
Paul bunyan.
379
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:03,448
I'll go for "babe."
380
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,083
Oh, hello.
381
00:13:09,088 --> 00:13:10,588
[haunting western music]
382
00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:14,659
Do you think a girl would be
disappointed if I got her
383
00:13:14,661 --> 00:13:18,196
A ring that was diamonds
made to look like
384
00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:19,864
The ghostbusters symbol?
385
00:13:19,866 --> 00:13:22,367
Do not make me
stop this car,
386
00:13:22,369 --> 00:13:24,536
'cause I will stop this car
and strand you
387
00:13:24,538 --> 00:13:26,371
In the middle
of the mojave desert.
388
00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:27,539
I'm just asking
a question.
389
00:13:27,541 --> 00:13:28,540
That's the most--no.
390
00:13:28,542 --> 00:13:30,108
That's the most
ludicrous thing
391
00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:32,076
I've ever heard you
utter in my life.
392
00:13:32,078 --> 00:13:33,711
That's what I mean.
Well, I just--
393
00:13:33,713 --> 00:13:36,014
Is that a thought
that was in your mind?
394
00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:36,815
I'm thinking something--
395
00:13:36,817 --> 00:13:39,150
I mean, we both
have to look at it
396
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:40,018
All the time,
397
00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:42,487
So it's, like,
you know--
398
00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:46,157
She wants something
that comes from my heart.
399
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,091
The ghostbusters symbol--
400
00:13:47,093 --> 00:13:48,993
That's just, like,
the first thing--
401
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:50,562
Oh, jordan.
402
00:13:50,564 --> 00:13:52,397
Don't ever
do that again.
403
00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:54,899
Don't ever speak to me
of diamond-encrusted
404
00:13:54,901 --> 00:13:57,335
Ghostbusters symbols
again, ever.
405
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,470
Buy that for you.
406
00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:04,576
There you go.
407
00:14:04,578 --> 00:14:05,577
Excuse me.
408
00:14:05,579 --> 00:14:06,611
Oh, excuse me, sir.
409
00:14:06,613 --> 00:14:08,746
Are you
sitting in 26g?
410
00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:09,380
Yes.
411
00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:10,315
Have I done
something wrong?
412
00:14:10,317 --> 00:14:11,783
No, no, no, no,
we just wanted to ask
413
00:14:11,785 --> 00:14:12,917
If you would mind
switching seats
414
00:14:12,919 --> 00:14:15,653
So that a mother and a child
could sit together.
415
00:14:15,655 --> 00:14:18,556
But I'm back there.
416
00:14:18,558 --> 00:14:21,125
Right, yeah, but you'd
actually be sitting here...
417
00:14:21,127 --> 00:14:23,962
[gentle harp flourish]
418
00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:26,197
Which is
in economy plus.
419
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,299
It's actually
an upgrade.
420
00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:29,534
Upgrade, you say.
421
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,469
Mm-hmm.
422
00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:33,171
Economy plus.
423
00:14:33,173 --> 00:14:34,405
Yes, sir.
424
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,274
Oh.
425
00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:37,475
Don't mind
if I do.
426
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:39,310
Great, great.
Carry-on?
427
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:42,347
Carry on
yourself, alex.
428
00:14:42,349 --> 00:14:43,715
Thank you.
429
00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:46,150
[classical music]
430
00:14:46,152 --> 00:14:47,685
Economy plus.
431
00:14:47,687 --> 00:14:50,255
Mm, for the discerning
passenger.
432
00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:51,823
[chuckles]
433
00:14:51,825 --> 00:14:52,423
[chuckles]
434
00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:56,527
We're not
in kansas anymore, toto.
435
00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:58,863
(man over pa)
ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking.
436
00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:02,400
We should be leaving topeka
in the next ten minutes.
437
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:03,401
I stand corrected.
438
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,737
Looks like we're gonna have
a smooth flight.
439
00:15:05,739 --> 00:15:07,238
Trust me,
I know the captain,
440
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,674
And he is, uh,
one smooth guy.
441
00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:12,510
- [scoffs]
- [chuckles]
442
00:15:15,948 --> 00:15:19,384
[laughing]
443
00:15:22,788 --> 00:15:25,657
Of course
he knows the captain.
444
00:15:25,659 --> 00:15:27,191
He is the captain.
445
00:15:27,193 --> 00:15:30,795
Oh-ho-ho!
Ho! Oh!
446
00:15:30,797 --> 00:15:32,797
Move over,
colin mochrie.
447
00:15:32,799 --> 00:15:35,600
There's a new face
in the biz.
448
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:37,669
His name is captain.
449
00:15:37,671 --> 00:15:40,939
[laughing]
450
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:45,510
Have to be in economy plus
to get it, I guess.
451
00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:47,278
[sighs]
452
00:15:50,316 --> 00:15:52,884
Extra foot room.
453
00:15:52,886 --> 00:15:55,720
One inch at least.
454
00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:57,522
Mm.
455
00:16:00,225 --> 00:16:03,428
Sky shoppe magazine.
456
00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:04,495
[chuckles]
457
00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:07,131
Don't mind if I do.
458
00:16:07,733 --> 00:16:12,670
Oh, dog-eared
for my convenience.
459
00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:16,174
Lord of the rings cups.
460
00:16:16,176 --> 00:16:19,410
Lord of the rings tables.
461
00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:20,578
Oh. Oh!
462
00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:24,482
Oh!
Holy shiatsu massage!
463
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,517
[laughs]
economy plus!
464
00:16:26,519 --> 00:16:31,889
It hurts a little,
but--but I like it.
465
00:16:31,891 --> 00:16:34,959
[crying]
466
00:16:35,694 --> 00:16:37,061
Wrong spot.
467
00:16:37,063 --> 00:16:39,864
[snoring]
468
00:16:39,866 --> 00:16:43,334
[airplane rattling]
469
00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:48,172
[thunder rumbling]
470
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:02,754
[thunder booms]
471
00:17:02,756 --> 00:17:06,124
[suspenseful music]
472
00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:08,292
[thunder booms]
473
00:17:08,294 --> 00:17:15,166
♪ ♪
474
00:17:15,168 --> 00:17:16,067
Hmm.
475
00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:18,870
And I thought
I had an upgrade.
476
00:17:22,608 --> 00:17:24,375
[haunting western music]
477
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,944
[doorbell rings]
478
00:17:27,346 --> 00:17:30,882
Hey, happy house--
what the [bleep]?
479
00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:32,283
What?
480
00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:34,419
You--
hitler mustache.
481
00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:36,354
What?
No, no, no, no, dog.
482
00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:38,623
No, this a charlie chaplin
mustache.
483
00:17:38,625 --> 00:17:40,024
You know
charlie chaplin, right?
484
00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:41,059
Yeah, I know
charlie chaplin.
485
00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:44,095
You know I'm a fan
of silent-film comedy, right?
486
00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:45,196
Yeah?
487
00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:46,030
Well, come on, man!
488
00:17:46,032 --> 00:17:48,933
Hitler ain't the only person
who gets to have this mustache.
489
00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:52,336
Yeah, I guess michael jordan
had one, too, for a little bit.
490
00:17:52,338 --> 00:17:53,371
Exactly, exactly, right?
491
00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:56,007
And guess what.
I'm not gonna let some monster
492
00:17:56,009 --> 00:17:57,975
From the 20th century
dictate fashion
493
00:17:57,977 --> 00:18:00,078
For all of eternity,
you know what I'm talking about?
494
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,914
Other people get to have
this mustache if they want it.
495
00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:05,249
All right,
yeah, it just--
496
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:07,351
Just kind of
caught me off guard.
497
00:18:07,353 --> 00:18:09,487
Okay, all right.
498
00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:10,555
Oh, man, you crazy.
499
00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,390
You got to take it
easy, man.
500
00:18:12,392 --> 00:18:14,492
This is my abode,
brother.
501
00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:15,293
[growls]
502
00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:17,128
When did you
get a german shepherd?
503
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:18,229
What, adolph here?
504
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:19,797
Say what?
505
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:22,633
No, no.
506
00:18:22,635 --> 00:18:23,301
No.
507
00:18:23,303 --> 00:18:24,635
Not adolf hitler, okay?
508
00:18:24,637 --> 00:18:25,703
Adolph marx.
Harpo.
509
00:18:25,705 --> 00:18:28,506
I love the marx brothers.
Why are you busting my chops?
510
00:18:28,508 --> 00:18:30,675
- You know this.
- Well, it's--
511
00:18:30,677 --> 00:18:31,242
You know what?
512
00:18:31,244 --> 00:18:34,078
You need to relax
and take it easy, okay?
513
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:35,580
Everything
is cool, man.
514
00:18:35,582 --> 00:18:38,116
Let's crack these open,
all right?
515
00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:39,584
I'll show you the kitchen.
516
00:18:39,586 --> 00:18:40,384
Kitchen's amazing, man.
517
00:18:40,386 --> 00:18:41,953
The best part
about this house is,
518
00:18:41,955 --> 00:18:44,422
I got this thing
for, like, $20,000--
519
00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:46,324
Oh, no!
520
00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:47,391
What?
521
00:18:47,393 --> 00:18:48,826
Nope.
522
00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:50,194
What, the swastika?
523
00:18:50,196 --> 00:18:51,462
Yeah, the swastika.
524
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,364
This is a vintage
comedy prop
525
00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:55,566
From the movie
the producers, okay?
526
00:18:55,568 --> 00:18:56,434
You saw
the producers,
527
00:18:56,436 --> 00:18:57,768
The musical
inside the musical.
528
00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:59,203
Mel brooks--
and they did a remake.
529
00:18:59,205 --> 00:19:01,305
It had nathan lane
and matthew broderick in it.
530
00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:02,440
Nathan lane
was in the cut.
531
00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:04,542
That's a symbol
of hate, man.
532
00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:06,310
You can't just hang that
on your wall.
533
00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:08,179
It's a comedy prop, man.
534
00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:09,714
It's just like
a rubber chicken.
535
00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:11,682
It's not like
a rubber chicken.
536
00:19:11,684 --> 00:19:13,151
You need to relax.
537
00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:14,752
You need to take it easy
right now.
538
00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:17,588
Have a beer, all right?
Just sit down.
539
00:19:19,558 --> 00:19:21,959
Fine.
540
00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:27,598
I'm a big comedy fan.
You like comedy, right?
541
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,200
Yeah, who doesn't
like comedy?
542
00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:31,269
Well, there's a lot of people
who don't like comedy.
543
00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:33,404
You know, there's a lot
of people out there, dog,
544
00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:36,107
Straight up, who don't have
a sense of humor, man.
545
00:19:36,109 --> 00:19:37,542
- Yeah, that's true.
- Right?
546
00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:39,977
I mean,
there are people who--
547
00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:41,913
I'll go so far as to say--
are comedy haters.
548
00:19:41,915 --> 00:19:43,481
[scoffs]
all right.
549
00:19:43,483 --> 00:19:44,982
But it'd just be better
if, you know,
550
00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:46,384
Instead of putting
each other down,
551
00:19:46,386 --> 00:19:47,852
If all the comedy lovers
got together
552
00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:50,121
And found some--
somehow to organize
553
00:19:50,123 --> 00:19:53,858
And do something
about the comedy-hater problem.
554
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:54,659
Okay.
555
00:19:54,661 --> 00:19:55,860
I have a proposition
for you.
556
00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:57,295
What if you were to be
my second-in-command
557
00:19:57,297 --> 00:19:59,864
In figuring out a way to get rid
of all the comedy haters?
558
00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:00,798
I was thinking
what we could do is
559
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:03,434
Put all of them in, like, one
little small section of town,
560
00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:06,237
And then we can
demonize them in the media.
561
00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:08,706
Nope.
562
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,174
You a nazi.
563
00:20:10,176 --> 00:20:11,342
What is going on?
564
00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:13,277
All right,
see you at work.
565
00:20:14,980 --> 00:20:18,149
(jordan)
you ever had a friend
who got into phish?
566
00:20:18,151 --> 00:20:19,617
Fun band.
Good jam band.
567
00:20:19,619 --> 00:20:22,587
But when dudes
get into phish,
568
00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:23,387
They don't come back.
569
00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:25,590
They don't come back.
No, I've been there.
570
00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:26,290
It's a bad drug.
571
00:20:26,292 --> 00:20:27,692
Dudes start
getting into, like--
572
00:20:27,694 --> 00:20:31,128
"man, so I went to--yeah,
I went to that one concert.
573
00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:36,367
I got 'weasel face.'
they did 'bubble trouble.'"
574
00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:37,134
Oh, really?
575
00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:39,437
"straight
into 'sponge head.'"
576
00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:40,504
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
577
00:20:40,506 --> 00:20:42,139
You're just like,
578
00:20:42,141 --> 00:20:46,677
"[bleep], what's wrong
with your [bleep] head?"
579
00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:47,945
Well, and then, finally,
I was like,
580
00:20:47,947 --> 00:20:49,080
"all right, man.
I'll go, I'll go.
581
00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:51,849
I'll go to this--
I'll go to this phish show."
582
00:20:51,851 --> 00:20:53,951
Cut to me 20 minutes in,
talking about--
583
00:20:53,953 --> 00:20:55,786
[imitates guitar music]
584
00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:58,856
Ah!
I'm getting a bobble head!
585
00:20:58,858 --> 00:20:59,557
[laughs]
586
00:20:59,559 --> 00:21:02,260
(man)
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
587
00:21:02,262 --> 00:21:04,528
Oh, yeah.
588
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:08,966
- Young bidness.
- Where am I?
589
00:21:08,968 --> 00:21:11,302
Young bidness, you're still
on the morty jebsen show.
590
00:21:11,304 --> 00:21:12,937
What we--
what we talking about?
591
00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:14,438
We were talking--
592
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:17,541
We were talking about
tina bouquet and yours breakup.
593
00:21:17,543 --> 00:21:19,977
Yeah, I [bleep] her up.
I [bleep] her up.
594
00:21:19,979 --> 00:21:20,010
[laughter]
- cut.
41196
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