All language subtitles for Key.and.Peele.S05E07.MC.Mom.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BTN_track3_[eng]

[indistinct chatter]

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

Man--forget this fool, man.
He's fronting.

Ain't no one here scared of you,
you fake-ass gangster.

Get your fake ass
up out of here!

You were scared
for, like, a minute, though.

This [bleep] eating his gun.

♪ ♪

[imitating car hydraulics]

What you looking at?

[haunting western music]

♪ ♪

Oh, my god.

My mother is candid to a fault.

I had a girlfriend in college,

And she's like, "well, have you
had sex with that young woman?"

Mother, I'd really rather
not talk about it,

If you don't mind.

"have you had sex--
I'm asking."

"well, my concern
is that if she is a virgin

And that--you know,
sometimes that can be painful."

- Mother.
- This is...

"all I'm saying is,
do you go around back?

I'm asking you,
do you go around the back?"

No, mom, I don't.

I don't go around back.

"well, it's a surefire way
to not get preggies."

"yep, as long as she's fine
with it."

Really?

She just wants to open up
the communication.

It's--I don't--I don't want
to open up anything.

"and maybe--maybe that'll feel
better for your peepee."

Oh, god, please.

"what kind of lube
do you use?"

Mother, nobody wants to talk
about this at all.

♪ ♪

- [laughter]
- what you think it is?

- Hey, what's up, y'all?
- Ooh, dude!

Hey, what you guys playing?

Oh, nothing.
Just a little dvd, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- What dvd?

Uh, it came for you in the mail.

It says, "to my fresh, dope son
from mc mom."

[laughter]

- I can't wait to see it.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

(all)
hey, whoa!

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- No, please, guys, guys.

If there's one thing
we're gonna do today,

We are playing that dvd.

Come on.

- Come on, man.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes.

Oh, god.
Please, man.

Did you produce this track?
No, no, sit down.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Yo.
- [laughter]

- Got on the mom jeans.
- Whoo!

Look at the sweater.
Look at the sweater.

♪ I'm the m to the c
to the m-o-m ♪

♪ and when it comes
to mom rappers ♪

♪ I'm the biggity best of them ♪

- Wow.
- She--is she rapping?

♪ I'm sending out this rhyme
to my homie number one ♪

♪ his name's carl stewart,
but to me he's just son ♪

Word up.

- Whoa!
- Oh, my god.

Okay, she got
that running man down.

- Look at mom.
- Can we please turn this off?

- Oh, no, no.
- He said turn it up.

- Turn it up.
- Turn it up.

Turn up.

♪ you left some stuff behind ♪

♪ that I can send you
if you need ♪

♪ like your best friend bear
and your magazines ♪

♪ I'm going
through all this stuff ♪

♪ but it looks pretty risky ♪

♪ you use so much lotion,
but your socks sure are crispy ♪

[laughter]

Mom!

- Come on, mom!
- Okay.

♪ I've been cleaning
with the broom and the vacuum ♪

♪ and found victoria's secret,
and she's hiding in your room ♪

♪ every nook and cranny,
there are wads of tissue ♪

♪ I can't even open
this swimsuit issue ♪

[laughter]

Man, what--what is wrong
with you, bro?

I spilled a soda
on that magazine.

Right.

♪ I'm getting your sheets
so nice and clean ♪

♪ like when you wet your bed
till you were 16 ♪

- Mom, what?
- ♪ I overreacted ♪

- Okay, okay.
- Sorry I spanked you.

♪ look, another crispy sock,
no, thank you ♪

(all) oh!
- Why!

- No.
- She sniffed.

That is wrong.

How many crispy socks
she gonna find, dog?

♪ crispy socks here ♪

♪ crispy socks there ♪

♪ crispy socks
with some mystery hair ♪

We're gonna turn it off
right now.

Come on, you guys.
Come on.

We started it.
We gonna finish it.

[faster tempo]

Oh.
Oh, the beat changed up.

[clears throat]

♪ I got the kitchen
and the basement ♪

♪ and the living room ♪

♪ and since your dad
met that bitch ♪

♪ I got his office too ♪

♪ got my juices going,
my rhymes flowing ♪

♪ my breath blowing,
showing no signs of slowing ♪

♪ I can feel my skills growing ♪

♪ took a little practice
to crack this ♪

♪ these lyrical gymnastics ♪

♪ but now the fact is
queen bee ♪

♪ I'ma be throwing out
your [bleep] mattress ♪

♪ hell yeah,
baddest bitch in the biz ♪

♪ taking this show on the road ♪

♪ you can clean up
your own jizz, [bleep] ♪

Peace.

(all)
oh!

- Man!
- Yo, yo, mc mom...

(all)
put the pussy on the chainwax!
Ah!

[haunting western music]

Okay.

Excuse me, big man,
big man, big man?

Excuse me, big man, though.

But big man.
Okay, god bless you.

I'll catch you on the up flip.

Thank you, big man.
Thank you, big man.

[chuckles]

- Hey, brother.
- Hey.

Can I ask you a question
real quick though, brother man?

Oh, see, that's good
'cause I was about

To ask you a question
right quick.

Okay, so here's the deal, man.
Crazy thing.

My car ran out of gas
about a mile up the road.

That's why I was wondering if I
could get a little bit of money,

You know, just get
a couple of gallons.

Oh, that's crazy,
'cause you know what?

This--my car had also broke
down right up the road.

I got my daughter here.
She five.

- Okay--oh, oh.
- She sleeping in the car.

I got to get
back to her real quick.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- So if you could help me out.

Pssh, I was gonna ask you
if you could help me.

Oh--oh, okay.

Let me just give you my wallet
out here and show you my id

To let you know that I
am straight up legits real.

I ain't trying--trying
to do nothing to nobody, okay.

Okay, on the issue
of legitimacy,

- I too have an identification.
- Okay.

That's a employee id
from borders bookstore.

You see right here,
I got my bally's

Total fitness id
right there.

Okay, okay.

Shows you that I stay fit
and conscientious and whatnot.

You'll also notice that these
other ids I have in my hand

Have the same name on it,
which makes you know

That it is indeed me.

Right there, okay.

Okay, I too have multiple ids,
crescendoing in this.

Dun da-da da.
Yogurtland punch card.

Okay, yeah,
I see that right there.

You see that right there.

That is almost my ninth
purchase, apparently,

And you can't fake that.

You get a free ten ounce
yogurt for that.

- Yeah, all right.
- All right.

So normally I would not ask
another person for assistance,

But our--our--our family is
in a fiduciary crisis right now.

Yeah.

My wife is languishing
in the hospital.

She a construction worker,

And what happened is
she got struck in the face

By a power line.

Fried her whole head up.
Burnt both her eyeballs out.

She's getting eyeball
replacement surgery as we speak.

Oh, see, I also have
a spousal injury crisis

On my midst as well.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
mm-hmm.

My wife was in
the astronaut program,

Making her a full-fledged
astronaut.

Okay, impressive.

And she had gotten moon dust
in her lungs.

Inhaled, you don't
wanna get--

That's never good.
It's never good.

- You don't want that.
- Nah, nah.

So maybe we could find a atm
or something like that.

Okay, so where--yeah,
perhaps if you--

Oh, look, that's one
over there.

- Oh, my gosh.
- That's a atm.

What's--what's
the chances of it?

Let's go to that atm.

We should probably
check that out.

Yeah, let's just take
a look right there.

Oh, stay with me, brother.

- Here we are.
- Why, here we are.

Atm machines that I did not know
previously were here.

All right.
Two of them, no less.

I'll tell you what we
should do, though, man.

- All right.
- You give me the $20, okay.

Yeah.

I'll give you the $3
that's on my person.

Yes?

Then I will give you
the $17 after.

Then you give me that $17.

I'll cut you a check
for $100 just to cover that.

You give me the change
in cash.

- Okay, okay, I feel that.
- Why am I playing?

I'm just gonna give you my atm
card so you know I'm legit.

Sure, sure.
Of course, of course.

I'm gonna give you
my atm card so we both

Have something of value
from the other person.

All right.

And your code is?

It is 1...234.
And yours, sir?

- 1235.
- Thank you.

[atms buzzing and beeping]

Could that--that is
a ralph's rewards card.

Okay, that is a credit
card placeholder

You would find in a translucent
sleeve in a brand new wallet.

- Hey, excuse me, big man.
- Hey, big man?

Big man?
- Hey, right quick, right quick.

Can I ask you a question,
biggest of men?

I got a question
right quick.

(male announcer)
as don's week in the warehouse

Was wrapping up,
he decided it was time

To come clean
with his employees.

Actually, everybody, uh,

I've got an announcement
to make.

Don't nobody want to hear
your bull[bleep], newbie.

- Okay.
- Don't nobody want to hear it!

I think you will care
about this one,

So gather around.

I'm not actually
a new employee.

You could say that again.

You a waste of space,
as far as I'm concerned.

Can't get nothing done on time.

Like a--like a snail over here.

I am actually president
of the company.

You're on undercover boss.

- What?
- The tv show, yeah.

- What?
- Wow.

In this week since I've been
working here amongst you,

I got to hear each and every one
of your stories, just about,

And, uh, I...

You know I was
just playing, right?

You know I--I was just
trying to lighten the mood

In the workplace
and whatnot, you know.

Thank you, joseph.

Bill.

Buddy, you were telling me
that your car broke down,

And it hasn't been
working right ever since.

Well, I want to get you
a new ford explorer.

Oh, my god.
Thank--thank you so much, mark.

That means so much to me.

My whole family
died in one day.

- Joseph.
- Thank you.

Huge car crash.
Huge, man.

We were having a family picnic,
and then this truck

Just came on through
and just killed everybody.

It chopped
everybody's heads off.

Eleanore, you were worried
that you were not going

To be able to afford college
for your two--two boys,

And I'm starting a college
fund for them both.

Putting $10,000
in each one of them.

This is amazing.
I'm so grateful.

You know, I-I can't
make no family anymore

'cause my dick got chopped up
in the accident--

- Joseph, joseph.
- And now I pee out the side.

Sometimes I wake up
in the middle of the night.

I just--
I start to pee.

Right in my mouth.

Oh, joseph,
that's disgusting.

Sometimes poop come out
the other side.

- I don't even know why that--
- joseph.

My dick is in eight pieces.

Joseph.
Okay, you know--

If you could
just give me a raise.

I ain't asking for no kind
of scholarships or nothing.

Okay, you know, joseph,
I'm gonna get--

I'm gonna go--get
to you right now.

Okay, dude, did I mention
I was a prostitute

Since the age of 17?
15--10?

No, joseph.
Joseph.

7--3--been a prostitute
since I was 3.

Joseph, joseph--

I was in--I was a prostitute
in the womb.

Joseph.

A dude put his peepee
in my--in my mama,

And it got inside of me,
and then--

And then they gave me money.

Joseph.

Just please, man.
Just give me a raise.

Joseph, you have been rude to me
since the moment I came here.

Come on, man.

I mean, I was playing
with you, dog.

I knew you was the boss
the whole time, man.

Look at this fake
ass mustache.

Ow--that's my real mustache,
joseph.

That really hurt.

You're fired.

Get out of here.

Can I stay and watch?

Get out of here.

I got a rare--
I got a rare condition

That make me unlikable.

No, you don't, joseph.

Lance?

Lance, you been in the urinal
with me.

You see me in the urinal.

Lance, I am sorry,
but do not engage him.

Tell him--tell him my dick
in three pieces.

Joseph,
leave lance alone.

It's true, so they give me
a little bit of money.

- No, it's not gonna happen.
- Can I have a--

Joseph?

He did--he did--

Joseph, leave norman
out of this.

Who's norman?

- The foreman.
- Norman the foreman?

That's his name.

I know that.

I work intimately with him.

No, you don't, you're fired.

All right.
Go on.

All right, out the door
with you, joseph.

I am sorry about that.

Is he gone?

Okay, uh, betty...

When you told me
that your father passed away,

It hit me because my father
passed away.

But my dick got chopped up,
though!

Joseph!

My dick got chopped up.

That is so
disrespectful, joseph.

What are you doing?
I thought you left, joseph.

Like gristle
off a thanksgiving turkey.

- You're lying, and I don't--
- I got a gristle dick.

Joseph,
that's wildly inappropriate.

Straight meat gristle.

It's hanging out here
right here, right now.

- You can't see it.
- Joseph!

(announcer)
coming up.

We have so many siblings,

And just to know that we
both share a familial bond

And that there's nothing
that can take that away.

But my dick got
chopped up, though.

Joseph!

Where--how did you...?

Now, are you still on
the reality show bandwagon?

It's not a bandwagon.
It's a way of life.

Oh, boy.

Bachelor.

Ro-- challenge.

- See, that's what's not real.
- It's not real, I mean--

Nothing's real as soon
as the camera appears.

I mean, you and I, we're out
here on the road by ourselves.

This is real.

This is a different thing.

- We're real.
- We're doing something.

You're here, those--that scrub
brush out there is real.

You can smell the...

The dirt of the road.

- Sandy air.
- This is real.

This is real,
what's happening right now.

Mm-hmm.

I think we're both going
to have--you know,

When key and peele's over,
we both have our solo careers.

Yeah, but we'll
come back in.

We'll come back in
every now and then.

Do a little key and peele--
pepper that little

Key and peele--stoice it
back out, come back in,

A little key and peele.

But I think--well, obviously
we're gonna both have success

In our own...

Right.

Right, you know, we're just
gonna be a regular,

You know, simon and garfunkel.

How's that again?

Oh, yeah, I get--oh,
like simon and garfunkel?

No--nnn, kind of, but I'm--

I'm thinking, like,
our solo careers are like--

(both)
simon, garfunkel.

Right, I got you.

No, I think we're agreeing,
so like, I--I would be simon,

And you would be garfunkel.

Garfunkel.
Simon.

I think we're--we're just--

No, no.
No, no, what I'm saying is...

I mean, we're basically saying
the same thing.

It would be like--like,
you would be art garfunkel,

And I'd be
simon--paul simon, so.

It's like--

Well, that's--maybe
that's a bad example.

Maybe that's a bad--but
you know, like, as far as,

Like, going down in history.

It's--we'd be like--yeah.

Going down in history be like--

I'm lucille ball,
you're desi.

I'm desi--I'm lucille,

But you're desi arnaz.

Okay.
Like, I'm elvis the pelvis.

- Mm hmm.
- You're his brother, enis.

With a curl.
What?

I don't even know
who enis presley is.

You know his nickname was?

Yeah.

I'm thinking scott baio and...

(both)
willie aames.

I guess there's no real
winner there, is there.

Well played.

Here's your coffee.

Hey, man, I just have
to say, I am a huge fan.

Outkast, like,
changed my life.

Yeah, yeah.
Thanks, man.

So are you gonna collaborate
with andré 3000 again?

Nah.

How come?

People grow apart.

Greetings.

May I have a half-caff
decaf mint mocha latte,

Foam on the bottom,
served in a flower vase,

And if y'all got
some green food coloring

Back there, throw it in.

André 3000!

In the flesh.

Big boi is right over there.

- [gasping dramatically]
- big boi!

Bitch, I'm trying
to read a book.

Big boi!

What's up, my brother
from another mother, man?

Hey, when I say mother, you know
I'm talking about art, right,

'cause we got cut out of
her womb linked together.

What's up, man?
What's up, andré?

André who?

I ain't gonna say it, man.

It's not 2,999.

It's not 3,001.
- André 3000.

Hey, man, what happened
to you after the show?

Yeah, um.

I just--I must have, like, snuck
out or something like that.

[in english accent]
I thought perchance
you went missing.

Don't do the voices, man.

Do what voice, my dear boy?

Why do you--why do you
got to do the voices, man?

Why you doing the voices?
Why you doing that, man?

One green half-caff half
decaf mint mocha latte,

Foam on the bottom,
in a vase?

I got a new idea
for a album, man.

It's gonna be just the sound
of screeching metal,

And then only one
spoken word per track.

- Cool, cool.
- Yeah.

[high pitched squeals]

That's my new screeching
metal sounds

I was talking about
earlier, man.

One green half-caff half
decaf mint mocha latte,

Foam on the bottom,
in a vase or "vahz."

You ain't hear?

That--that's your--
[bleep]--that's--

You the only [bleep]
that ever order that drink.

Yeah, okay, so what
is going on with me?

What is happening with me?

Man, what the [bleep]
happened, man?

- What are you talking about?
- We used to be somebody, man.

We used to be a team.

We was on top.

Then you went
and lost your [bleep] mind.

Can we just lose this, man?

Can we just lose the 3000
and just have you talk as andré?

Tell me--tell me straight up,
man, what happened?

You know what be even
better, though, man?

Is if you looked into the
pinwheel with your third eye.

I thought you was gonna say
some stupid [bleep] like that.

And everything
will be revealed.

All right, man.
It's been good, man, thank you.

- Thanks for coming by, man.
- Okay, yeah.

Matter of fact, I got
an appointment right now

To go get fitted for a toga.

- You got--you got to go.
- Mm-hmm.

You leaving me.
That's a...

Don't do it.

May eros, artemis,
and apollo

Guide you through
your musical journey.

[bleep], what?

Why does your breath smell
like birdseed?

- Au revoir.
- All right.

Thank you, café craftsman.

You're welcome.

Sweedoop poops.

Sweden dweeps.

Sweep boop dweeps.

Sweden dweep.

Sorry, he--he didn't actually
pay for that drink.

I got it.

♪ yeah ♪

Wow.

You really came
out of nowhere.

What?
No.

No, I was stopped
at that stop sign.

Yeah.

Listen, let's just
exchange information

And have our insurance
companies take care of it.

Right.

Yeah.

I'm gonna get my info.

Yes, please.

Hey, no, what--
what are you doing?

What are you doing?
- Huh?

Why did you start the engine?

What engine?

The engine of your car.

Did I?

Yes.

I was just trying to get
the information for you

From the glove box.

Do you need to start your car
to open your glove compartment?

Uh...Yeah?

Okay, you know what,
how about I just--

I get your insurance
information now.

- Right?
- Sure.

Hey, dude, no.
Hey--hey, hey--stop!

Stop, stop, stop!

Where the hell are you going?

Uh...Nowhere?

Give me the information
right now!

- Okay.
- Right now.

Do you understand?
- Okay, okay.

All right, sorry.
I--I misunderstood.

I don't see how.

All right, here it is.

No, no, I--no.

Your--your insurance
information.

- I just did.
- This is a walgreens receipt.

Ohhh.

Ohhh?

Here it is.

- "license to fart."
- [laughs]

Here it is.

What is that?

Now you're just miming.

You know what, give me
your insurance information

Right now, or I'm
calling the cops!

- Okay, all right.
- Okay?

Okay, dude, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

That's just--
that's my personality.

I was messing with you.

I apologize.

I thought you were
gonna take off and--

And flee the scene.

Yeah, no, I'm not,
well.

Then how am I gonna
get my car fixed?

I--we just had an accident.

It's obviously not the time
or the place, so I'm--I'm sorry.

Here you go.
Here it is.

I mean, can you imagine,
though?

Yeah, that you were gonna
take off?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I can imagine that.

And it's giving me chills
up my [bleep] spine.

Anyway.
Here's the real insurance card,

And, uh...Let me know
what you think.

"official laminated license
to fart."

What the [bleep]--hey!

Hey!
No, hey!

(keegan-michael)
god damn it! Son of a bitch!

I am a sociopath!

- Now, jordan.
- Yes.

Where are we with the driver--

With the--with the learner's
permit situation?

I got a learner--
learner's permit.

- All right.
- Third time's the charm.

Got it.

But you took the test,
and you passed.

The write--written test.

I still have the
physical test to go.

Is there any kind of fear
of learning to drive?

Why--why don't
you want to drive?

- Fear?
- Mm-hmm.

No, I--I mean, more--more
than anything, it just--

It seems generally,
like, unpleasant.

Oh, boy, I got
to tell you, it's not.

- I love driving.
- Cool.

- Yeah.
- So we're all set.

♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪

Oh, yeah.

Joseph!

I got a chopped up dick,
though.

- Joseph.
- Octodick.

- Joseph!
- Septadick.

- Joseph!
- Hexadick.

- Joseph!
- Come on, man, dick.

Joseph.

My mama died, and then
my mama's ghost got murdered.

- Aw, joseph.
- That's the truth, though.