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1
00:00:02,068 --> 00:00:03,802
(male announcer)
today on judge jessie,
2
00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:05,804
Judge jessie turns up the heat.
3
00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:07,473
You signed a piece of paper.
4
00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:08,774
He gave you the snake.
5
00:00:08,776 --> 00:00:09,675
Then you bring a snake
6
00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:12,745
Into the home
with two small chihuahuas.
7
00:00:12,747 --> 00:00:13,912
I had not been made aware
8
00:00:13,914 --> 00:00:15,314
That the snake
would get rid of its skin,
9
00:00:15,316 --> 00:00:18,650
And then the sprinklers
came down with the snakeskin,
10
00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:19,451
Ruined my carpet.
11
00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:21,053
(jessie)
what--what set off
the sprinklers?
12
00:00:21,055 --> 00:00:23,789
Unrelated popcorn fire,
your honor.
13
00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:25,290
(announcer)
judge jessie.
14
00:00:25,292 --> 00:00:29,495
As a police officer,
he defended the streets.
15
00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:31,063
As a trial lawyer...
16
00:00:31,065 --> 00:00:31,630
Objection!
17
00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:34,333
(announcer)
he fought for the truth.
18
00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:35,634
As a black belt...
19
00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:37,703
[grunting]
20
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:41,040
(announcer)
he mastered discipline.
21
00:00:41,042 --> 00:00:42,641
As a carpenter,
22
00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:45,677
He learned the value
of craftsmanship.
23
00:00:45,679 --> 00:00:50,482
As a surgeon,
he mastered a cool head.
24
00:00:51,284 --> 00:00:52,618
As a crack ho,
25
00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:56,555
He learned to go days
without sleep.
26
00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:57,523
And as an announcer,
27
00:00:57,525 --> 00:01:01,326
He does the voice-over
on this show.
28
00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:03,562
Coming up on judge jessie...
29
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,564
Mr. Simmons, before you speak,
I know from experience
30
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:07,699
That the police have completely
mishandled your case,
31
00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:08,901
And there is legal precedent
for you to win,
32
00:01:08,903 --> 00:01:10,736
And any good defense attorney
would have told you that.
33
00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:13,572
I also know that obviously the
place where you hurt your back
34
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:15,674
Wasn't structurally
up to code, mr. Oyama.
35
00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:16,675
And furthermore,
as a sensei,
36
00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:18,677
You should know a man
of his skill set
37
00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:19,678
Cannot do a mike yaki.
38
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:20,379
You should know that.
39
00:01:20,381 --> 00:01:21,613
Obviously, I can tell
by looking at your alignment
40
00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:25,217
That you've herniated a disc
someplace in your l4 or your l5.
41
00:01:25,219 --> 00:01:27,386
I'm finding for the plaintiff
not $2,500,
42
00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:29,922
$2,700, mr. Oyama.
43
00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:30,889
Thank you, your honor.
44
00:01:30,891 --> 00:01:33,459
You're quite welcome.
45
00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:38,130
(announcer)
judge jessie.
46
00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:41,266
Dusty, can I suck your [bleep]?
47
00:01:42,035 --> 00:01:45,337
[haunting western music]
48
00:01:45,339 --> 00:01:53,645
♪ ♪
49
00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:09,461
Okay, so give me--
just shout out,
50
00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:12,264
Like, a character or, like,
an occupation or something.
51
00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:13,165
Okay, yeah.
52
00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:15,033
Timid librarian.
53
00:02:16,503 --> 00:02:19,004
Excuse me, sir.
54
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:21,240
- [whimpering]
- no.
55
00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:23,075
- No, no, no, no.
- [whimpering]
56
00:02:23,077 --> 00:02:23,942
Okay, but you're--
57
00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:26,245
- You're--cut, cut.
- Shh.
58
00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:28,413
- Cut, cut.
- Why you cutting library?
59
00:02:28,415 --> 00:02:30,048
Why? Okay. I don't know.
Are you vietnamese?
60
00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:31,783
All right, let me give you one.
Let me give you one.
61
00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:33,519
- Yes. Yeah, okay.
- Okay, you are--
62
00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:35,287
Remember I'm driving, so...
[laughs]
63
00:02:35,289 --> 00:02:40,159
You are
a secure construction worker.
64
00:02:40,161 --> 00:02:40,792
Okay, here we go.
65
00:02:40,794 --> 00:02:43,462
You--you went to penn state
for grad school.
66
00:02:43,464 --> 00:02:45,764
Me? No, I didn't go
to penn state for grad school.
67
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:47,799
Okay, there he is.
68
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:48,700
Hello.
69
00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:52,237
[laughter]
70
00:02:52,239 --> 00:02:54,039
I saw him.
I saw him.
71
00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:57,109
For that second
when we were in it, I saw him.
72
00:02:57,111 --> 00:02:58,644
Damn, that's good.
73
00:02:58,646 --> 00:03:00,412
That is some good [bleep].
74
00:03:00,414 --> 00:03:03,749
♪ ♪
75
00:03:04,317 --> 00:03:07,052
Noah sanders.
Here for the job interview.
76
00:03:07,054 --> 00:03:09,688
Please take a seat.
Mr. Weinstein will see you next.
77
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:12,791
[lounge music]
78
00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:21,099
♪ ♪
79
00:03:24,637 --> 00:03:27,272
Job interviews, huh?
80
00:03:27,274 --> 00:03:30,776
Never fun.
81
00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:32,244
Okay, just...
82
00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:35,147
I get it.
Stay focused.
83
00:03:35,149 --> 00:03:35,614
Cool.
84
00:03:35,616 --> 00:03:38,951
Cool, cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool, cool.
85
00:03:38,953 --> 00:03:40,018
[clicks tongue]
86
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:43,021
[laughter]
87
00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:43,655
Oh.
88
00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:46,458
- Yeah.
- Whoo-hoo!
89
00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:50,596
That was a big laugh.
90
00:03:50,598 --> 00:03:52,197
[exhales]
91
00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:53,131
(weinstein)
oh, no!
92
00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:54,700
- I did it!
- No, you didn't!
93
00:03:54,702 --> 00:03:58,470
- I did it.
- [laughter]
94
00:03:58,472 --> 00:04:00,105
Jeez.
95
00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:02,874
Is this a job interview
or the carol burnett show?
96
00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:06,078
- You know what I mean?
- [laughter]
97
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:06,878
Oh, sir, sir, sir.
98
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:09,681
- Oh, my god, that is too rich.
- Oh, well.
99
00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:11,350
Thanks so much
for coming in, adam.
100
00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:12,551
Of course,
and you better stay away
101
00:04:12,553 --> 00:04:13,552
From that chinese food there.
102
00:04:13,554 --> 00:04:14,653
Oh, my god,
you got that right.
103
00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:15,921
That's done--it's done a number
on my stomach.
104
00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:18,957
- [martial arts shouts]
- [grunting]
105
00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:19,725
Here's your fortune.
106
00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,226
You're gonna be sick
in a half hour.
107
00:04:21,228 --> 00:04:23,562
[laughter]
108
00:04:24,964 --> 00:04:26,965
Oh, my gosh,
what an absolute delight, adam.
109
00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:29,234
It's been great, and--can I
tell you something real quick?
110
00:04:29,236 --> 00:04:30,068
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
111
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:31,436
I don't even care
if I get this job
112
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:34,606
Because I know
I've made a friend for life.
113
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,742
What a terrific attitude.
114
00:04:36,744 --> 00:04:38,777
What a great goddamn attitude.
115
00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:39,578
Yup.
116
00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:41,513
You son of a gun.
117
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:43,181
You know what?
118
00:04:43,183 --> 00:04:45,384
Right quick, before you leave,
I want to give you something.
119
00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:46,985
No, sir,
I can't take any more gifts.
120
00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:51,123
This whole thing
has been a gift.
121
00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:53,125
My brother passed away.
122
00:04:53,127 --> 00:04:55,227
[somber music]
123
00:04:55,229 --> 00:04:56,361
21 years ago.
124
00:04:56,363 --> 00:04:57,362
Wow.
125
00:04:57,364 --> 00:04:59,698
We were estranged,
126
00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:02,034
And he became ill,
127
00:05:02,036 --> 00:05:05,637
And he gave this to me
as a peace offering.
128
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:06,838
Ohh.
129
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,407
And then one day
when we were on the ocean,
130
00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:11,977
He fell overboard on a boat
very much like this one
131
00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,812
And died.
132
00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:15,314
I saw him struggling
all the way
133
00:05:15,316 --> 00:05:17,816
As a riptide
just pulled him down.
134
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,384
That bitch ocean.
135
00:05:19,386 --> 00:05:21,186
Would you please accept this
as a--as a token
136
00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:25,257
Of my gratitude for you
bringing joy back into my life?
137
00:05:25,259 --> 00:05:29,494
Under any other circumstance,
I would refuse,
138
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:31,663
But I will accept
this gift today
139
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:35,000
Because I know
how much it means to you.
140
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:37,202
So I will.
141
00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:40,472
Thank you.
142
00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:42,708
Ahoy, matey.
143
00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:44,876
[both laugh]
144
00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:48,113
Ahoy, matey.
145
00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:51,350
[laughter]
146
00:05:51,352 --> 00:05:53,051
How is that funny?
147
00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:55,087
Bernadette.
148
00:05:55,089 --> 00:05:56,321
Bernadette.
149
00:05:56,323 --> 00:05:58,323
- Are you hearing any of this?
- Oh, my god.
150
00:05:58,325 --> 00:06:01,793
This guy. How do you keep
a straight face all day?
151
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:03,662
[laughter]
152
00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:05,497
She's--isn't she sweet?
153
00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:07,265
Sweeter than pie.
Sweeter than pie.
154
00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:07,833
Oh, my god.
155
00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:10,235
God damn it,
I love your [bleep] energy.
156
00:06:10,237 --> 00:06:13,138
Well,
what can I say, sir?
157
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:14,106
I am solar powered.
158
00:06:14,108 --> 00:06:17,642
[screaming laughter]
159
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:24,750
[continues laughing]
160
00:06:27,086 --> 00:06:27,619
Really?
161
00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:29,755
You like--
you like that one, huh?
162
00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:31,857
Oh, thanks so much, adam.
163
00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:33,592
Terrific.
[laughs]
164
00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:38,897
Best interview I've ever been
a part of in my entire life.
165
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,899
Okay, who's next?
166
00:06:42,668 --> 00:06:44,236
You? Ready?
Let's go. Chop-chop.
167
00:06:44,238 --> 00:06:47,539
Here we go.
[clapping]
168
00:06:49,375 --> 00:06:51,910
Come on, let's go.
169
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:52,944
Okay.
170
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:54,679
Hoo-hoo!
171
00:06:54,681 --> 00:06:55,347
Hoo!
172
00:06:55,349 --> 00:06:58,283
Requesting permission
to come on board, sir.
173
00:06:58,285 --> 00:07:00,118
Hi, noah sanders the name.
174
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:01,186
Sorry to hear
about your brother.
175
00:07:01,188 --> 00:07:02,721
Maybe we could get
some chinese food after this?
176
00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:04,322
- [clicks tongue]
- all right. All right.
177
00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:07,058
Okay, take it easy.
178
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:09,294
Jeez, settle down, turbo.
179
00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:16,401
[haunting western music]
180
00:07:16,403 --> 00:07:17,135
[laughter]
181
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:18,069
[phone dings and vibrates]
182
00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:21,606
Oh, hold on a second.
Mm-hmm.
183
00:07:24,010 --> 00:07:25,710
Oh, hell no.
184
00:07:25,712 --> 00:07:29,114
He did not just text me
he working late.
185
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:30,348
That [bleep] is weak.
186
00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:31,249
Okay.
187
00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:32,918
You know what,
working late, my ass.
188
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:34,286
If he don't walk
through that door
189
00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:35,420
In the next half an hour,
190
00:07:35,422 --> 00:07:36,588
He may as well not even
come home tonight
191
00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:40,325
'cause I'm not gonna be there
waiting for his cheating ass.
192
00:07:40,327 --> 00:07:41,560
- Okay!
- All right, girl?
193
00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:43,061
I ain't playing.
You know what I'm saying?
194
00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:45,964
I mean, I will be there
waiting because--
195
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:49,034
But he gonna have to put up
with a lot of [bleep] from me.
196
00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:49,568
Okay.
197
00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:52,938
And if he think
he gonna do this [bleep] again,
198
00:07:52,940 --> 00:07:55,106
He is sorely mistaken...
199
00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:55,707
Okay!
200
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:58,009
Because my man
gets one chance.
201
00:07:58,011 --> 00:07:59,444
- Okay!
- One.
202
00:07:59,446 --> 00:08:00,812
- Okay!
- And then after that,
203
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,080
- He get one more...
- Okay...
204
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:05,984
And then after that,
he gonna get three strikes.
205
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,018
- Then you're out.
- Okay...
206
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:11,957
And if I ever find out that
my man was messing around on me,
207
00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:14,659
He better get as far
away from me as he possibly can
208
00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:18,630
Because he do not want to get
what I'm gonna give to him.
209
00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:19,130
Okay.
210
00:08:19,132 --> 00:08:21,700
I got my mother[bleep]
real estate license...
211
00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:22,367
Okay!
212
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:25,737
But if and when he does
come home, that's fine...
213
00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:26,538
Okay.
214
00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:27,205
'cause he can go out
215
00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:29,341
And get all turnt up
with these little side hos
216
00:08:29,343 --> 00:08:32,377
And whatnot
'cause you know what, bitch?
217
00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:34,112
He always gonna come home.
218
00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,046
- All right?
- Okay.
219
00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:38,116
I'm the queen bee, and he
always gonna come home to me.
220
00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:39,117
- You know what?
- Okay...
221
00:08:39,119 --> 00:08:40,552
But you know what, but you
know what, but you know what?
222
00:08:40,554 --> 00:08:42,220
- I don't even care.
- Oh, okay.
223
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,389
But I'll tell you what happen
if he do come home.
224
00:08:44,391 --> 00:08:44,890
Okay.
225
00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:46,992
He ain't gonna be pulling
any of that [bleep] in my house.
226
00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:47,459
Okay...
227
00:08:47,461 --> 00:08:49,160
He can come to the house
if he wants to,
228
00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:52,063
But he ain't never gonna
do that when I'm home.
229
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:53,732
- Okay.
- You know what?
230
00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:58,069
Even if I'm home,
it's fine.
231
00:08:58,071 --> 00:08:58,637
Okay...
232
00:08:58,639 --> 00:09:00,105
You know
what I'm talking about?
233
00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:00,839
Mm, okay.
234
00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:02,307
'cause I don't give
a good goddamn.
235
00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:03,508
- Okay.
- That's what I'm talking about.
236
00:09:03,510 --> 00:09:05,377
But he ain't gonna bring
that [bleep] into my bedroom.
237
00:09:05,379 --> 00:09:06,912
I tell you that much right now,
okay?
238
00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:07,546
Okay.
239
00:09:07,548 --> 00:09:08,780
'cause there ain't no
trifling-ass [bleep]
240
00:09:08,782 --> 00:09:14,185
Gonna wake me up while he's
cheating on me in my bed again.
241
00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:14,753
Okay...
242
00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:17,088
And I told him.
I looked him right in the face.
243
00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:20,992
I said, "this is the fifth
and last time that you"--
244
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:23,595
Okay!
245
00:09:26,832 --> 00:09:28,500
[exhales]
246
00:09:29,835 --> 00:09:31,303
I couldn't have
said it better myself, girl.
247
00:09:31,305 --> 00:09:33,605
- You're right.
- Okay?
248
00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:36,207
You just been spouting words
of wisdom all evening.
249
00:09:36,209 --> 00:09:37,175
I ain't listening to a
250
00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:39,611
[high-pitched] goddamn thing
you saying.
251
00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:40,779
[quietly]
okay.
252
00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:43,448
I don't even know what
the hell I was thinking, girl.
253
00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:44,082
You right.
254
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:48,019
The second that that man
walks through that door,
255
00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:49,554
I'ma dump his ass.
256
00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:51,423
O...Kay.
257
00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:52,490
- Okay?
- Okay.
258
00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:55,260
Oh, my gosh,
speak of the devil.
259
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:58,330
[romantic music]
260
00:09:58,332 --> 00:10:06,671
♪ ♪
261
00:10:06,673 --> 00:10:09,874
O...Kay.
262
00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:11,843
Okay.
263
00:10:11,845 --> 00:10:14,813
[haunting western music]
264
00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:18,817
You know who's--you know
who's a good actor, though,
265
00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:21,353
Female-wise and otherwise?
266
00:10:21,355 --> 00:10:22,621
[laughs]
267
00:10:22,623 --> 00:10:23,888
Meryl streeps.
268
00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:25,991
How you gonna have
an entire career
269
00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:28,326
And never make a bad movie?
270
00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:31,529
Like, I can't think
of a bad meryl streep movie.
271
00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:32,764
Some people didn't like--
she made a move
272
00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:35,000
In the '80s with robert de niro
call--I like that one.
273
00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:38,269
Wasn't she
in weekend at bernie's?
274
00:10:39,772 --> 00:10:40,639
I don't recall that, jordan.
275
00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:43,508
Yeah, she was the one
that was making out with bernie,
276
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:44,743
And they were holding
bernie up,
277
00:10:44,745 --> 00:10:47,178
And he was hooking up
with her.
278
00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:48,313
That was streep.
279
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,415
Pretty sure it might have
been bizarro streep,
280
00:10:50,417 --> 00:10:51,583
But it was
not the regular streep.
281
00:10:51,585 --> 00:10:54,319
Yeah, people, early on,
they'll do some things.
282
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:55,520
What are you talking
about "early on"?
283
00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:57,288
That's not early on
in her career.
284
00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:58,690
- Yeah, I mean...
- What is wrong with you?
285
00:10:58,692 --> 00:10:59,991
Are you on drugs right now?
286
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:03,862
Meryl streep was not
in weekend at bernie's!
287
00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:05,530
Don't say it again.
288
00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:08,800
- Yes, she was.
- She was not, jordan.
289
00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:09,801
Jordan.
290
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:13,038
♪ ♪
291
00:11:13,939 --> 00:11:15,640
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
292
00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:16,307
Hey, dog.
293
00:11:16,309 --> 00:11:17,776
What'd you get up
to this weekend, though, dog?
294
00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:20,345
Ah, you know me, man.
295
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:21,946
Got up all up
in that redbox.
296
00:11:21,948 --> 00:11:23,715
- Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah?
- Yeah.
297
00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:26,084
- You know who's good, though?
- Who that, dog?
298
00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:27,452
Robert downeys juniors.
299
00:11:27,454 --> 00:11:29,754
Robert downeys juniors,
though, dog? Which one?
300
00:11:29,756 --> 00:11:31,289
- Which one?
- Tony starks, dog.
301
00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:32,757
Tony starks! Yeah, man.
302
00:11:32,759 --> 00:11:33,892
- Tony starks. Iron mans.
- Yo.
303
00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:35,493
That man be building
his own suit and everything
304
00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:36,695
And getting all witty
with pepper pottsies.
305
00:11:36,697 --> 00:11:40,665
Yeah, yeah. Yo, yo, my man's got
a glowing heart in that one.
306
00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:41,800
(both)
wan, wan, wan.
307
00:11:41,802 --> 00:11:43,868
You give that [bleep] a statue
for that alone.
308
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,870
- That's right there, man.
- Whoo!
309
00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:47,138
Definitely, dog, yo,
but yo,
310
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:49,274
Another thing
about rd squared real quick?
311
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:51,176
- Go to it.
- Sherlocky holmes.
312
00:11:51,178 --> 00:11:51,910
Sherlocky holmesies.
313
00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:53,111
- Sherlocky holmes.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
314
00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:54,279
When sherlocksy holmes
is in that pit
315
00:11:54,281 --> 00:11:55,113
And he's fighting that dude.
316
00:11:55,115 --> 00:11:56,247
Yeah, and he fighting
that dude.
317
00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:57,248
And then all of a sudden
in his mind
318
00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:58,216
He made everything
go in slow motion.
319
00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,884
[british accent] "I've got to
do this, and I got to do this,
320
00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:01,586
And then statistically
I should do this."
321
00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:03,455
And then the cane,
and then he went back
322
00:12:03,457 --> 00:12:04,823
To real-life speed,
and he did it.
323
00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:07,792
[overlapping chatter
and shouting]
324
00:12:07,794 --> 00:12:08,660
What?
That was my jam.
325
00:12:08,662 --> 00:12:10,395
- That was my jam right there.
- That was my jam.
326
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,996
He knew what was going
to happen using statistics!
327
00:12:11,998 --> 00:12:13,732
Yo, and then remember
that one scene
328
00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:15,633
Where he woke up in
his neighbor's daughter's bed,
329
00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:17,068
And he was all on drugs
and [bleep]?
330
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,369
- Oh, yeah!
- Yo.
331
00:12:18,371 --> 00:12:20,739
No, no, that was rd squared in
real life, though, right there.
332
00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:21,840
It was. It was.
It was. It was.
333
00:12:21,842 --> 00:12:22,640
That was real life, though.
334
00:12:22,642 --> 00:12:23,775
He was good in that one, though.
He was good.
335
00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:25,176
- He was good in that one.
- That was very realistic, yup.
336
00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:26,177
You know who else is good,
though, dog?
337
00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:27,312
- Who, who, who, who, who?
- Vally kilmers.
338
00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:29,114
Oh, we talking 'bout
vally kilmers right now.
339
00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:31,716
We talking 'bout vally kilmers
right now, dog.
340
00:12:31,718 --> 00:12:32,684
Which one? Which one?
Which one?
341
00:12:32,686 --> 00:12:34,953
Which one? Oh, you know,
vally kilmers in tombstones.
342
00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:37,122
Oh, what?
343
00:12:39,725 --> 00:12:42,460
[imitating hooves clopping]
344
00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:43,361
What?
Come on, man.
345
00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:45,063
- [imitates whipping]
- [imitates horse neighing]
346
00:12:45,065 --> 00:12:47,432
That's my [bleep] right there.
Doccy hollidays, dog?
347
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:48,466
Oh, my god.
My man's talking about...
348
00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:50,935
[inhales and exhales]
"I'll be your huckleberry."
349
00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:52,771
Ooh, and they was up
in that o.K. Corral.
350
00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:54,105
- Talking about--
- oh, the shootout?
351
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:54,839
[imitating gunshots]
352
00:12:54,841 --> 00:12:56,875
- Earps. Earps. Earps. Earps.
- Buck. Buck.
353
00:12:56,877 --> 00:13:00,011
Okay. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
354
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,746
Oh, you ain't okay.
Ha ha!
355
00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:03,148
- That's my jam right there.
- That's my jam.
356
00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:06,184
But what about my boy vally
kilmers in willows, though?
357
00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:06,618
Oh.
358
00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:08,219
What about vally kilmers
in that willows, though, right?
359
00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:11,289
Vally kilmers in that willows,
dog, yo!
360
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,056
When he was madmartigans
361
00:13:12,058 --> 00:13:14,092
And they was
in that medieval toboggan.
362
00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:14,759
Talking about--
363
00:13:14,761 --> 00:13:19,397
[imitating sledding
and adventure music]
364
00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:19,964
What?
365
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:21,866
[both imitating sword fighting]
366
00:13:21,868 --> 00:13:24,936
And the little leprechaun
talking about, "you are great."
367
00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:26,304
He was
magically delicious, dog!
368
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:27,839
- Magically delicious, dog.
- That was my jam.
369
00:13:27,841 --> 00:13:29,741
Oh, but what about val kilmers
in the saints? What?
370
00:13:29,743 --> 00:13:31,309
Oh, vally kilmers
in the saint.
371
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,077
Vally kilmers in the saint,
though, what?
372
00:13:33,079 --> 00:13:35,547
When my man--
my man was like--
373
00:13:35,549 --> 00:13:36,981
And--and then--
and then he--
374
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:39,717
And then he was like--he--
375
00:13:39,719 --> 00:13:40,885
I-I didn't see that one.
376
00:13:40,887 --> 00:13:42,187
Just the cover
looked enticing.
377
00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:44,489
Yo, yo, you know
what I'm realizing right now
378
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:45,623
For the first time?
379
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:46,424
What's that, dog?
380
00:13:46,426 --> 00:13:47,592
It's like if there was a graph
of rd square...
381
00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:50,995
- Yeah, a graph.
- And vally kilmers' careers...
382
00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:51,563
Yeah, yeah.
383
00:13:51,565 --> 00:13:52,597
Rd square
would start down here.
384
00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:54,532
Right, and vally kilmers
would be starting right up here.
385
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:56,534
And rd square would get
this trajectory going.
386
00:13:56,536 --> 00:13:58,269
Right, and then vally kilmers
be on this trajectory
387
00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:59,971
- Right here like this, right?
- And they just making movies.
388
00:13:59,973 --> 00:14:01,206
They just making movies.
Making movies.
389
00:14:01,208 --> 00:14:02,040
Making movies.
Making movies.
390
00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:03,074
Making movies.
Getting a little crazy.
391
00:14:03,076 --> 00:14:04,409
Just doing a little drugs.
Just getting a little bit--
392
00:14:04,411 --> 00:14:05,944
Yup, doing crazy.
Making--still making movies.
393
00:14:05,946 --> 00:14:08,379
And then they meet
at this point.
394
00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:09,914
In the same movie.
395
00:14:09,916 --> 00:14:14,886
Which is why the best movie
of all time is--
396
00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:19,090
- Kiss kiss--- bang bang.
397
00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:22,160
(both)
kiss kiss bang bang
398
00:14:22,162 --> 00:14:31,436
Is my [bleep]!
399
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:36,374
[haunting western music]
400
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,444
I just like to believe.
401
00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:41,713
You like to believe what?
402
00:14:41,715 --> 00:14:45,416
Maybe there's a place for me
where I can be an action star.
403
00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:46,918
Of course there's a place
for you
404
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:48,219
Where you can be
an action star.
405
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:49,153
Where? What?
What could I--
406
00:14:49,155 --> 00:14:52,290
What could I be,
an action star fry chef?
407
00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:52,924
[clears throat]
408
00:14:52,926 --> 00:14:56,127
People have this conception
that love handles are fat.
409
00:14:56,129 --> 00:15:02,133
They are very difficult
to maintain musculature that--
410
00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:04,135
- What are those muscles called?
- Hmm?
411
00:15:04,137 --> 00:15:05,837
What are those muscles called?
412
00:15:05,839 --> 00:15:07,138
Not a muscologist.
413
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:08,740
You're not a muscologist?
414
00:15:08,742 --> 00:15:11,809
Are those--there's--there's
no muscle there. There may be--
415
00:15:11,811 --> 00:15:13,077
I want you to grab--
I want you to grab that.
416
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:16,414
- Yup.
- All right. I'm gonna flex it.
417
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,616
- Flex it now.
- Okay, hold on.
418
00:15:18,618 --> 00:15:20,218
I got a whole chunk
right here.
419
00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:23,254
Just like a chunk about the size
of six doughnuts right here.
420
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,123
- [chuckles]
- listen, I'm sorry.
421
00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:26,591
- You all right?
- Thanks, bro.
422
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:27,692
Okay.
423
00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:29,260
[clears throat]
424
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:30,662
We all know it's not muscle.
425
00:15:30,664 --> 00:15:32,330
- We know that.
- Thanks.
426
00:15:32,332 --> 00:15:34,732
♪ ♪
427
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:38,036
[dramatic choral music]
428
00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:43,408
♪ ♪
429
00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:44,842
Decker.
430
00:15:44,844 --> 00:15:48,680
Agent jackson, you'll be working
with him on this mission.
431
00:15:48,682 --> 00:15:51,749
Agent jackson,
let's get one thing straight.
432
00:15:51,751 --> 00:15:53,251
I don't like orders,
433
00:15:53,253 --> 00:15:55,853
And I don't play by the rules.
434
00:15:55,855 --> 00:15:57,455
I trust you heard of me.
435
00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:59,057
Actually, no, I haven't.
436
00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:02,060
Ooh, hubba hubba.
437
00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:07,932
♪ ♪
438
00:16:07,934 --> 00:16:08,833
We don't have much time.
439
00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:10,702
The arachnid agents
have taken over the consulate.
440
00:16:10,704 --> 00:16:15,540
We need to get you in and
resolve this from the inside.
441
00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:18,209
We've taken the latest sitrep
of the hostile's position,
442
00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:21,412
And we've reconstructed
a holographic blueprint
443
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:22,113
Of the consulate.
444
00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:26,684
Save the mouth squirt
for the new recruits, general.
445
00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:29,053
Not gonna by impressed
by any fancy...
446
00:16:29,055 --> 00:16:30,288
Technology!
447
00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:33,925
[beeping]
- [shouting]
448
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:42,767
It's just
a 3-d representation.
449
00:16:42,769 --> 00:16:45,403
Pretty standard these days.
450
00:16:45,405 --> 00:16:47,105
All right.
451
00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:48,539
I know what it is.
452
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:49,273
Agent jackson,
453
00:16:49,275 --> 00:16:52,210
You will enter through
this ac duct on the south side
454
00:16:52,212 --> 00:16:53,277
- Of the building.
- Yes, sir.
455
00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:55,480
Decker,
you will be dropped on top,
456
00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:58,583
And then you will gain access
through this elevator shaft.
457
00:16:58,585 --> 00:17:00,918
We want you to go down
to the fourth floor.
458
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,588
- [gasps]
- make--
459
00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:06,457
Decker.
460
00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:07,525
You okay?
461
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:10,595
Heard everything you said.
462
00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:14,198
Elevator shaft.
463
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,266
It's bright.
464
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:16,768
Yeah, it's bright.
465
00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:17,602
The terrorists are located
466
00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:20,805
On the third and fifth floor
of the building.
467
00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:22,707
Each floor has six groups
of six men.
468
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,742
What we're gonna want you to do
is stop in the middle
469
00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:27,945
Of the fourth
and pry open the elevator door
470
00:17:27,947 --> 00:17:29,047
And go--
471
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:31,549
I just want you to move
through that elevator door
472
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:32,817
And then go do--
473
00:17:32,819 --> 00:17:35,386
[beeping]
474
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:38,389
Pry open--
475
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,891
[beeping]
476
00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:43,594
Elevator door.
Go down to the third flo--
477
00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:45,229
Okay, maybe
this isn't gonna work out.
478
00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:47,865
Why?
What's the matter, general?
479
00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:51,903
Everybody's putting their hand
in the laser.
480
00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:53,504
It's not a laser.
481
00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:55,440
It's a hologram.
482
00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:56,174
Tomato, tomato.
483
00:17:56,176 --> 00:18:01,446
Look, what's with all
the babysitting and handholding?
484
00:18:01,448 --> 00:18:03,815
Papa's a big boy.
485
00:18:03,817 --> 00:18:05,883
Let's zoom into the interior.
486
00:18:05,885 --> 00:18:08,453
Yeah, let's zoom in.
487
00:18:08,455 --> 00:18:12,023
Oh, boy!
488
00:18:12,025 --> 00:18:14,692
[breathing heavily]
489
00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:16,394
[beeping]
490
00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:18,629
Let's cut to the chase.
Why am I here?
491
00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:19,197
[sighs]
492
00:18:19,199 --> 00:18:21,866
Your primary target
is your old rival
493
00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:26,270
From the cold war,
nikoli androkovich.
494
00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:28,005
Now, androkovich
has been leading--
495
00:18:28,007 --> 00:18:29,974
He's here!
496
00:18:29,976 --> 00:18:30,741
[grunts]
497
00:18:30,743 --> 00:18:33,411
Wh--jackson! Jackson!
498
00:18:35,514 --> 00:18:38,349
Wait.
499
00:18:38,351 --> 00:18:40,485
Good job, decker.
500
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:43,955
Jackson was an undercover agent
for arachnid.
501
00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:46,491
How in the world did you know?
502
00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:50,962
Ain't my first rodeo.
503
00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:54,165
[dramatic music]
504
00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:57,935
[screams]
hot!
505
00:18:57,937 --> 00:19:00,404
Not hot enough.
506
00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:06,811
[haunting western music]
507
00:19:07,045 --> 00:19:10,148
Well, we were
behind each other in line
508
00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:10,915
At the grocery store.
509
00:19:10,917 --> 00:19:15,219
And it was silly,
but I dropped a can of peas.
510
00:19:15,221 --> 00:19:17,455
And he bent over to pick them up
for me,
511
00:19:17,457 --> 00:19:21,359
And that's where it started.
512
00:19:22,594 --> 00:19:23,995
What can I say?
513
00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:26,097
It was love at first sight.
514
00:19:26,099 --> 00:19:28,766
We've been together
ever since.
515
00:19:29,935 --> 00:19:30,968
Well...
516
00:19:30,970 --> 00:19:37,408
Yes, she always has had
her own way of doing things.
517
00:19:42,948 --> 00:19:44,415
Okay.
518
00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:47,285
- I see what's going on here.
- Honey.
519
00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:49,020
You don't approve
of our engagement.
520
00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:51,622
- No, they're not like that.
- I'm sorry, sweetheart.
521
00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:53,758
Yes, they are like that.
522
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,427
Look at their faces.
523
00:19:57,429 --> 00:20:00,565
There's no point
in trying to reason with folks
524
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:03,501
Who can't appreciate
the differences in others.
525
00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:06,470
You should be ashamed
of yourselves.
526
00:20:06,472 --> 00:20:09,774
[somber music]
527
00:20:09,776 --> 00:20:10,741
Honey, wait.
528
00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:12,243
[door closes]
529
00:20:16,481 --> 00:20:20,051
I cannot believe that
you would bring a colored man
530
00:20:20,053 --> 00:20:21,285
Into our house.
531
00:20:21,287 --> 00:20:24,722
♪ ♪
532
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:26,557
[sobs]
533
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:29,427
[crying]
534
00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:31,362
He's gone now.
535
00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:33,731
[haunting western music]
536
00:20:36,535 --> 00:20:37,335
How about this?
537
00:20:37,337 --> 00:20:38,669
Why don't they just
make the movie that
538
00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:41,606
Got straight sidney poitier,
denzel washington,
539
00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:42,907
And morgan freeman
in the same movie?
540
00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:44,242
- Make the movie.
- Oscar, oscar, oscar.
541
00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:45,476
- Oscar, oscar, oscar.
- Extra oscars.
542
00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:47,712
Everybody just then straight
getting extra oscars from--
543
00:20:47,714 --> 00:20:48,879
Yeah, talking
about three wise men.
544
00:20:48,881 --> 00:20:51,282
- Blip, oscar, oscar, oscar.
- Bap, bap, bap, bap, bap.
545
00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:52,049
That would be my jam.
546
00:20:52,051 --> 00:20:55,353
Nobody would be
paying attention to jesus.
547
00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:56,254
Don't even worry
about that.
548
00:20:56,256 --> 00:20:57,421
They'd just be looking
at the wise men.
549
00:20:57,423 --> 00:20:59,056
(jordan)
that movie is clutch.
550
00:20:59,058 --> 00:21:01,559
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
551
00:21:01,561 --> 00:21:03,861
Oh, yeah.
552
00:21:07,165 --> 00:21:09,567
Your honor, I do have
a polaroid of the snake
553
00:21:09,569 --> 00:21:10,534
Playing with my dogs.
554
00:21:10,536 --> 00:21:12,036
There was no sign of aggression.
555
00:21:12,038 --> 00:21:13,170
Do you have the polaroid here?
556
00:21:13,172 --> 00:21:14,639
I don't have it here with me...
557
00:21:14,641 --> 00:21:15,106
Sir.
558
00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:16,107
But I also have
the movie tickets.
559
00:21:16,109 --> 00:21:18,276
- The movie we went to see...
- You want a hummer, dusty?
560
00:21:18,278 --> 00:21:19,176
The murder.
It was part two.
561
00:21:19,178 --> 00:21:19,209
I could take it all in.
I could take the whole thing.
39718
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