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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,531 --> 00:00:04,089 - No, no, no. - Yes. 2 00:00:04,165 --> 00:00:05,860 Here's the thing, here's the thing. 3 00:00:05,934 --> 00:00:07,868 - Okay. - Okay. I guarantee you. 4 00:00:08,003 --> 00:00:12,372 I guarantee you, if you look at ObamaCare 25 years from now, 5 00:00:12,541 --> 00:00:14,873 and you look at the number of enrollees 6 00:00:14,943 --> 00:00:16,308 - in that program... - No, no, no, no, listen. 7 00:00:16,378 --> 00:00:17,845 - No, please, by all means, talk. - You've got it wrong. 8 00:00:17,913 --> 00:00:21,713 You have to look at the amount of people enrolled in the healthcare system 9 00:00:21,850 --> 00:00:25,217 and the tremendous effect that it has on the economy. 10 00:00:25,287 --> 00:00:26,345 - You're missing the point. - Lf you're gonna... 11 00:00:26,421 --> 00:00:27,445 - You are missing the point. - Oh, am I? 12 00:00:27,522 --> 00:00:28,853 What you have to do, 13 00:00:28,924 --> 00:00:30,983 what you have to do is look at the tremendous effect 14 00:00:31,092 --> 00:00:33,754 that ObamaCare is having on the U.S. Economy. 15 00:00:33,828 --> 00:00:36,558 And in addition, you have to look at the government bailouts 16 00:00:36,631 --> 00:00:38,724 of the auto industry and the banking industry. 17 00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:40,233 - You've got it wrong. - I've got it wrong? 18 00:00:40,302 --> 00:00:43,999 So wrong. You have to look at the effect on the banking industry 19 00:00:44,072 --> 00:00:46,404 as well as the auto industry, my friend. 20 00:00:46,474 --> 00:00:47,498 - When you do... - Okay, listen. 21 00:00:47,576 --> 00:00:49,203 - The bottom line... - No, the only conclusion... 22 00:00:49,277 --> 00:00:51,677 BOTH: Is that Obama is a disaster. 23 00:00:56,718 --> 00:00:58,481 BOTH: Are you a Republican? 24 00:01:00,355 --> 00:01:01,845 BOTH: Yes. 25 00:01:03,358 --> 00:01:06,794 I would like to apologize for this programing mistake. 26 00:01:07,162 --> 00:01:10,029 In the future, we will do better at choosing our guests 27 00:01:10,098 --> 00:01:12,259 here on Diametrically Opposed. 28 00:01:20,709 --> 00:01:22,438 Crazy, crazy 29 00:01:22,711 --> 00:01:24,178 Does is crazy 30 00:01:25,213 --> 00:01:27,681 Make up for adjustment 31 00:01:28,683 --> 00:01:31,880 You jamming on the verse 32 00:01:32,554 --> 00:01:36,354 First one's planned that you want to do 33 00:01:36,424 --> 00:01:38,221 All I want 34 00:01:38,593 --> 00:01:42,359 But I don't need you 35 00:01:44,866 --> 00:01:47,994 President, man. He's got two more years, dude. 36 00:01:48,570 --> 00:01:50,663 - Things are crazy right now. - Mmm-hmm. 37 00:01:50,872 --> 00:01:54,330 Man, it's just crazy, people in ISIS just jam... Jamming up the jimmer. 38 00:01:54,409 --> 00:01:56,434 Those dudes are tripping me out, dog. 39 00:01:56,544 --> 00:01:58,307 Where you... Where y'all coming from? 40 00:01:58,980 --> 00:02:01,107 Dude, half them dudes used to be in al-Qaeda. 41 00:02:01,483 --> 00:02:04,350 - How ironic. - Now the funny thing is, ISIS happens. 42 00:02:04,719 --> 00:02:06,710 And now Obama's got to get all in the middle of that. 43 00:02:06,821 --> 00:02:09,221 You know, dude, I mean, 44 00:02:09,391 --> 00:02:13,487 can you imagine how done with this shit Obama, has got to be? 45 00:02:13,561 --> 00:02:14,585 - I mean, so stressful. - I can't imagine. 46 00:02:14,663 --> 00:02:16,722 He's gonna look like Rip Van Winkle when he's done. 47 00:02:16,798 --> 00:02:18,698 - Yup. - Wish I had some more things to say 48 00:02:18,767 --> 00:02:21,463 that weren't completely politically polarizing. 49 00:02:21,636 --> 00:02:23,467 PEELE: (SNICKERING) I wish. 50 00:02:35,650 --> 00:02:38,414 Brothers. Brothers, let us begin. 51 00:02:39,287 --> 00:02:41,414 I have convened this meeting 52 00:02:41,489 --> 00:02:43,787 to find out what you are doing. 53 00:02:44,159 --> 00:02:48,027 Why have we not taken a plane in 13 years? 54 00:02:49,431 --> 00:02:53,527 Khalid, you don't even know. 55 00:02:54,469 --> 00:02:56,994 It is all because the cunning 56 00:02:57,172 --> 00:03:00,198 and mighty TSA, 57 00:03:00,275 --> 00:03:02,971 is always one step ahead of us. 58 00:03:03,044 --> 00:03:05,171 - I do not believe it! - It's true. 59 00:03:05,814 --> 00:03:09,079 Last month, I attempted to take down a plane 60 00:03:09,150 --> 00:03:11,050 with a pair of scissors five inches long. 61 00:03:11,119 --> 00:03:15,055 That sounds like a perfect plan. Why did it not work? 62 00:03:15,323 --> 00:03:16,517 Because 63 00:03:16,858 --> 00:03:19,884 the shrewd TSA, 64 00:03:20,628 --> 00:03:24,462 they made restrictions so you can only take a four-inch scissors. 65 00:03:24,532 --> 00:03:25,760 - Four inches. - What? 66 00:03:25,834 --> 00:03:28,064 - Yeah. - How could they know that a five-inch blade 67 00:03:28,136 --> 00:03:31,594 is a dangerous weapon and a four-inch blade is no more than a child's plaything? 68 00:03:32,140 --> 00:03:35,473 That is the genius of TSA! 69 00:03:35,643 --> 00:03:38,476 They foil us at every turn. Devils! 70 00:03:39,547 --> 00:03:41,310 You know, it's the same way with the liquid. 71 00:03:41,382 --> 00:03:43,179 - What about the liquid? - Yeah. 72 00:03:43,384 --> 00:03:47,718 We all know how much devastation we can wreak with 3.5 ounces of liquid. 73 00:03:47,789 --> 00:03:50,223 The damage is incalculable! 74 00:03:50,291 --> 00:03:53,522 The crafty TSA, they have limited passengers 75 00:03:53,595 --> 00:03:56,029 to only 3.4 ounces. 76 00:03:56,264 --> 00:03:57,822 - KHALID: Damn it! - Yeah. 77 00:03:58,032 --> 00:04:00,592 Do none of you have the solution how to... 78 00:04:00,668 --> 00:04:02,829 For us to thwart this TSA? 79 00:04:02,904 --> 00:04:04,201 Khalid, Khalid, 80 00:04:04,272 --> 00:04:06,638 it's like you've been living in a... 81 00:04:07,075 --> 00:04:08,064 Well, here. 82 00:04:08,176 --> 00:04:10,201 Look, the TSA, 83 00:04:10,278 --> 00:04:12,508 they strike fear into my heart 84 00:04:12,881 --> 00:04:15,679 with their polyester shirts and their 85 00:04:16,017 --> 00:04:18,212 disposable rubber gloves. 86 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:22,014 And the, and the sneaker shoes! 87 00:04:22,090 --> 00:04:24,820 - They are so clever. - Clever. 88 00:04:24,893 --> 00:04:28,056 Yes. They, they act as if they are listless, 89 00:04:28,129 --> 00:04:31,292 overweight employees who don't give a fuck. 90 00:04:31,866 --> 00:04:34,130 When in reality, 91 00:04:34,269 --> 00:04:36,396 they are an elite force 92 00:04:36,738 --> 00:04:38,501 of anti-terrorist commandos! 93 00:04:38,573 --> 00:04:41,337 Oh, curse the brilliant TSA! 94 00:04:41,609 --> 00:04:43,509 Khalid, if I may. 95 00:04:43,645 --> 00:04:45,545 I think I have a way 96 00:04:45,814 --> 00:04:49,477 to triumph over the wily TSA. 97 00:04:49,551 --> 00:04:52,884 - Finally. - Okay, let's give him a shot. 98 00:04:52,954 --> 00:04:54,444 I have a plan 99 00:04:54,522 --> 00:04:56,547 to put a bomb in a laptop, 100 00:04:56,624 --> 00:05:00,116 and it will detonate once you pull it from its case. 101 00:05:00,195 --> 00:05:01,662 (LAUGHING) 102 00:05:01,729 --> 00:05:03,856 KHALID: Yes! Yes, it is perfect! 103 00:05:04,299 --> 00:05:08,099 Planes will rain down from the sky onto the infidels! 104 00:05:10,271 --> 00:05:12,296 (ALL CHANTING AND SINGING) 105 00:05:15,443 --> 00:05:17,308 What? Parviz, what, what, what? 106 00:05:18,079 --> 00:05:19,706 Sneak in here for a second, 107 00:05:19,781 --> 00:05:21,806 'cause I don't, I don't want to be the bearer of bad news here. 108 00:05:21,883 --> 00:05:23,874 - KHALID: Then don't be! - Yet you are. 109 00:05:24,085 --> 00:05:26,645 It's as if the prophetic 110 00:05:26,721 --> 00:05:29,212 and all-knowing TSA, 111 00:05:29,624 --> 00:05:32,024 has predicted your plan. 112 00:05:32,493 --> 00:05:34,893 They make you take the laptop out of the carrying case 113 00:05:34,963 --> 00:05:36,863 and put it in a separate bin before you get on the plane. 114 00:05:36,931 --> 00:05:39,161 Come on, you've got to be kidding me. 115 00:05:39,234 --> 00:05:42,761 You've got to be kidding me. Are you kidding me, Parviz? 116 00:05:42,837 --> 00:05:44,566 'Cause it's not a funny joke if it's a joke. 117 00:05:44,639 --> 00:05:46,368 It's no time for kidding, I wouldn't kid. 118 00:05:46,474 --> 00:05:50,638 Oh, my God. I cannot believe these mothers of devils. 119 00:05:50,912 --> 00:05:52,709 Well, very well, then. 120 00:05:52,814 --> 00:05:54,611 Since you have all failed, 121 00:05:54,682 --> 00:05:58,311 I will tell you how we will destroy the nonbelievers. 122 00:05:58,553 --> 00:06:01,818 I have developed the smallest bomb possible. 123 00:06:02,690 --> 00:06:05,181 And it fits perfectly 124 00:06:06,294 --> 00:06:07,522 into this. 125 00:06:07,795 --> 00:06:11,424 A full-sized tube of toothpaste. 126 00:06:11,499 --> 00:06:12,864 (LAUGHING) 127 00:06:12,934 --> 00:06:15,164 Yes! It's really great, isn't it? 128 00:06:15,303 --> 00:06:16,930 - I mean, it's really... - Don't do him like that. 129 00:06:17,005 --> 00:06:18,267 What's going on over here? 130 00:06:18,339 --> 00:06:20,807 - What's the situation over here? - Okay. 131 00:06:23,044 --> 00:06:27,105 Is there a version of the toothpaste bomb that comes in travel-size? 132 00:06:28,583 --> 00:06:30,642 (SIGHS) You know what? It's like they're in our heads. 133 00:06:30,718 --> 00:06:31,742 Yes, yes. 134 00:06:38,368 --> 00:06:41,337 Dude, sometimes my dog's just be looking forlorn. 135 00:06:41,404 --> 00:06:44,635 - I'm like, "Are you depressed?" I'm like, dude. - (LAUGHS) 136 00:06:44,707 --> 00:06:46,675 He's just pretty chill, I think. 137 00:06:46,876 --> 00:06:50,744 But I do feel like... I feel kind of like, bad for my dog, like, 138 00:06:50,914 --> 00:06:53,178 he's... I'm just very conscious of the fact 139 00:06:53,249 --> 00:06:56,741 that he's not a human and can't understand 140 00:06:57,253 --> 00:07:00,313 how he's different from everybody around him. 141 00:07:00,790 --> 00:07:04,157 Right, but, but that's the good thing, is he can't understand. 142 00:07:04,227 --> 00:07:05,353 He can't comprehend it. 143 00:07:05,428 --> 00:07:07,089 But he wants to understand. It's like... 144 00:07:07,163 --> 00:07:08,562 (LAUGHING) 145 00:07:08,631 --> 00:07:09,655 - You said... - It's like, 146 00:07:09,732 --> 00:07:13,600 "Why are there different rules for me than these other beings around me?" 147 00:07:13,670 --> 00:07:15,968 See, see, now you're treating him like a person. 148 00:07:16,039 --> 00:07:17,734 Well, your motherfuckers sleep on your bed. 149 00:07:17,807 --> 00:07:19,001 Literally went to the chiropractor, 150 00:07:19,075 --> 00:07:20,906 went to the chiropractor and she said, "How are you?" 151 00:07:20,977 --> 00:07:22,137 I said, "I've been sleeping very well." 152 00:07:22,212 --> 00:07:24,009 She said, "No dogs in the bed?" And I went, "Yup." 153 00:07:24,414 --> 00:07:27,508 That's right, I was in Michigan for two weeks, no dogs in the bed, 154 00:07:27,584 --> 00:07:28,608 back was better. 155 00:07:28,685 --> 00:07:32,849 Come home, Cynthia got three people in the bed, like she in a hippie orgy. 156 00:07:32,922 --> 00:07:35,618 (LAUGHS) Wait. Three people? 157 00:07:35,692 --> 00:07:37,284 - You mean her and... - Three... Her and the dogs. 158 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:38,691 So you call the dogs "people"? 159 00:07:38,761 --> 00:07:42,060 I just called the dogs people, which is something I accuse her of all the time. 160 00:07:42,131 --> 00:07:43,928 - Yeah. - I accuse her of that all the time. 161 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,093 - I'm like, "you know they're not people." - Yeah, yeah. 162 00:07:46,169 --> 00:07:47,431 And then she leaves the room, 163 00:07:47,503 --> 00:07:49,562 and I'm talking English to them, like they know what's going on. 164 00:07:53,843 --> 00:07:55,811 (CHEERING AND SCREAMING) 165 00:07:57,380 --> 00:08:00,907 Eduardo, man, you are so loco, man! 166 00:08:00,984 --> 00:08:02,178 Wow. 167 00:08:02,252 --> 00:08:04,812 We need a crazy vato like you in our gang. 168 00:08:06,055 --> 00:08:09,547 With this bandana, I welcome you to the gang. 169 00:08:09,659 --> 00:08:10,683 Yo. 170 00:08:11,094 --> 00:08:12,959 - Hold up. - Okay. 171 00:08:13,263 --> 00:08:14,252 What's going on? 172 00:08:14,330 --> 00:08:16,230 Hey, Carlito. 173 00:08:16,966 --> 00:08:20,424 Uh, I was just welcoming Eduardo into the gang. 174 00:08:21,504 --> 00:08:24,371 Why? Who he? What he did? 175 00:08:25,141 --> 00:08:27,405 He's, he's crazy, man. 176 00:08:27,477 --> 00:08:30,708 We, we were thinking that the gang needs a crazy guy. 177 00:08:30,780 --> 00:08:32,645 Yeah, man. This guy is loco. 178 00:08:33,082 --> 00:08:34,242 Show him, Eduardo. 179 00:08:39,489 --> 00:08:42,515 - (CHEERING) - Loco! 180 00:08:43,793 --> 00:08:45,658 That's loco. 181 00:08:45,762 --> 00:08:47,127 Loco, huh? 182 00:08:47,196 --> 00:08:50,256 No, no. I'm the loco one in this gang. 183 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,334 - What? - Okay, okay. 184 00:08:52,402 --> 00:08:53,869 Check this out. 185 00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:58,371 (QUACKING) 186 00:08:59,609 --> 00:09:02,407 - I'm a duck. I'm a crazy duck. - No, no, no, no. 187 00:09:02,478 --> 00:09:05,413 No, Carlito, Carlito, it's not that kind of loco, okay? 188 00:09:05,481 --> 00:09:07,278 That's more like, you know, zany. 189 00:09:07,350 --> 00:09:09,147 - Or, or goofy. - Yeah. 190 00:09:09,319 --> 00:09:10,786 It's the wrong kind of loco. 191 00:09:10,853 --> 00:09:12,252 You want to see loco? 192 00:09:12,322 --> 00:09:15,257 Carlito, you're not crazy. 193 00:09:15,692 --> 00:09:17,819 You're like, uh, the quiet one. 194 00:09:17,927 --> 00:09:19,121 I'm not quiet. 195 00:09:19,228 --> 00:09:21,321 I never be caught being quiet. 196 00:09:21,397 --> 00:09:24,298 In fact, I'm always loud. Check it. 197 00:09:24,934 --> 00:09:26,595 (SCREAMS SOFTLY) 198 00:09:28,004 --> 00:09:30,302 Okay, okay. That was weird. 199 00:09:31,741 --> 00:09:32,969 Were you yelling? 200 00:09:33,042 --> 00:09:35,135 - I'll show you loco right here. - Carlito... 201 00:09:35,211 --> 00:09:36,872 Right now in broad daylight, yo. 202 00:09:36,946 --> 00:09:39,039 - Carlito, no. - Oh, my God. 203 00:09:39,115 --> 00:09:41,276 Carlito, pull up your pants, homes. 204 00:09:41,351 --> 00:09:44,616 I got tillikum on my underwear. That's the black fish. 205 00:09:44,687 --> 00:09:46,746 I'm naked, and I don't even care. 206 00:09:46,823 --> 00:09:48,518 Carlito, you gotta pull them up, okay? 207 00:09:48,591 --> 00:09:50,616 There's, like, children in this neighborhood, okay? 208 00:09:50,693 --> 00:09:52,285 Okay. But check this out. 209 00:09:52,362 --> 00:09:56,162 I got nine punch cards from Froyo Universe, 210 00:09:56,232 --> 00:09:58,097 each with a one stamp in it. 211 00:09:58,167 --> 00:10:01,466 Every time I get a froyo, I get a new card. 212 00:10:01,537 --> 00:10:04,062 Carlito, that's just being cavalier with your finances 213 00:10:04,140 --> 00:10:06,165 instead of collecting your free dessert. 214 00:10:06,309 --> 00:10:10,040 I mean, that's not loco. That's just, like, financially irresponsible. 215 00:10:10,346 --> 00:10:13,406 I might not be loco, but you know who is loco? 216 00:10:13,916 --> 00:10:16,783 My friend Mr. Basura-head. 217 00:10:18,554 --> 00:10:19,816 He's dumping the garbage. 218 00:10:19,889 --> 00:10:22,084 Hi, I'm the most loco person in here. 219 00:10:23,826 --> 00:10:26,294 Carlito. Why would you do that, okay? 220 00:10:26,729 --> 00:10:27,957 Carlito. 221 00:10:29,265 --> 00:10:33,031 Okay. Carlito, you don't have to do this, okay? 222 00:10:33,102 --> 00:10:35,434 It's not necessary. You're not the loco one. 223 00:10:36,305 --> 00:10:37,465 Check this out. 224 00:10:38,307 --> 00:10:40,070 (GROANS) I feel... 225 00:10:40,143 --> 00:10:43,112 Yeah, I'm crazy. I'm the loco one. 226 00:10:43,179 --> 00:10:44,407 (GROANS) 227 00:10:45,214 --> 00:10:46,772 Carlito, please don't do it again. 228 00:10:46,849 --> 00:10:49,079 - (GROANS) - Carlito, stop. 229 00:10:49,252 --> 00:10:50,310 I'm in too deep. 230 00:10:50,386 --> 00:10:52,479 This is like watching the British version of The Office. 231 00:10:52,588 --> 00:10:55,455 Like, it's funny, but awkward and sad at the same time. 232 00:10:55,558 --> 00:10:56,547 Yes. 233 00:10:57,293 --> 00:10:58,590 - Oh! - Well, 234 00:10:58,694 --> 00:11:01,322 I think I just proved this bottle is unbreakable. 235 00:11:01,397 --> 00:11:02,386 (GLASS SHATTERING) 236 00:11:02,465 --> 00:11:05,127 Carlito, you're embarrassing yourself. 237 00:11:05,501 --> 00:11:07,492 - Look at this. It's loco. - No, no, no, 238 00:11:07,570 --> 00:11:09,231 Carlito, what are you gonna do with that? 239 00:11:09,305 --> 00:11:11,466 I don't know. I'm too crazy. 240 00:11:11,874 --> 00:11:13,068 (ALL GROANING) 241 00:11:14,343 --> 00:11:16,777 Carlito, why would you do that, man? 242 00:11:16,979 --> 00:11:20,073 That was loco, but not in an entertaining way. 243 00:11:20,149 --> 00:11:21,241 Okay. 244 00:11:22,685 --> 00:11:23,845 Okay. 245 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:26,320 Carlito, put down the gun, homes. 246 00:11:26,389 --> 00:11:28,448 - Oh, don't you fear. - (ALL CLAMORING) 247 00:11:28,524 --> 00:11:31,288 - Put the gun down. - The crazy, crazy one is here. 248 00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:34,124 - Stop! Don't toss the gun around, Carlito. - Oh, my staple hand. 249 00:11:34,230 --> 00:11:37,393 - Put the gun down, Carlito! - Ooh, I shouldn't have done that. 250 00:11:37,467 --> 00:11:39,332 - Carlito, stop twirling it. - Loco, loco, loco... 251 00:11:39,402 --> 00:11:41,893 - Carlito please, don't throw it around. - Where's it stop, nobody knows... Oh! 252 00:11:41,971 --> 00:11:43,495 Don't toss it... Hey! 253 00:11:44,407 --> 00:11:45,840 (ALL GASPING) 254 00:11:46,142 --> 00:11:47,131 Fuck! 255 00:11:47,410 --> 00:11:50,277 Carlito, you just shot Eduardo in the head! 256 00:11:53,182 --> 00:11:55,673 Now I'm the most loco, in the gang? 257 00:11:56,352 --> 00:11:59,344 Yes, Carlito, by process of elimination, 258 00:11:59,455 --> 00:12:01,821 you're the most loco person in the gang. 259 00:12:02,325 --> 00:12:03,383 Yes. 260 00:12:05,328 --> 00:12:06,659 ALL: Oh! 261 00:12:08,064 --> 00:12:10,760 He caught the bullet. 262 00:12:10,833 --> 00:12:13,028 He caught the bullet in his teeth! 263 00:12:13,102 --> 00:12:15,297 That's the most loco-est thing I ever seen! 264 00:12:15,371 --> 00:12:17,305 - ALL: No, no! - (GUNSHOT) 265 00:12:21,811 --> 00:12:25,770 Did you... Were you ever, in all honesty, were you ever going to join the military? 266 00:12:25,848 --> 00:12:28,146 I... You know, I thought about it for one minute. 267 00:12:28,351 --> 00:12:30,342 I really did, because my mom was we... No. 268 00:12:30,419 --> 00:12:32,910 I went to go see an army recruiter, just to hear. 269 00:12:32,989 --> 00:12:35,457 My mom was just like, "Maybe you just want to hear what can happen." 270 00:12:35,525 --> 00:12:36,992 - Your mom? - I wasn't gonna do it. 271 00:12:37,059 --> 00:12:39,254 I mean, I wanted to do it, but I wasn't gonna do it. 272 00:12:39,929 --> 00:12:41,897 I might have, but my mom knew me. 273 00:12:41,964 --> 00:12:43,556 She knew me well enough to know I wasn't gonna do that. 274 00:12:43,633 --> 00:12:47,296 - So what was the recruiter like? - The marine recruiter was on point. 275 00:12:47,370 --> 00:12:49,964 My man was like, "Hey, how's it going, young man? Good to see you. 276 00:12:50,039 --> 00:12:53,304 "Nice to meet you, man. How are you? What's the name? I'm Matt. I'm Matt." 277 00:12:53,376 --> 00:12:54,775 And I was like, "Nice to meet you, Matt." 278 00:12:54,844 --> 00:12:56,744 And he's like, "Tell you what, man, lot ofjob opportunities 279 00:12:56,812 --> 00:12:59,212 "out there for you if you join the Marine Corps. 280 00:12:59,282 --> 00:13:01,182 - "You know, you get out, you have a job." - That's my dude. 281 00:13:01,250 --> 00:13:02,774 - "School get paid for." - That's my dude. 282 00:13:02,852 --> 00:13:04,615 "It's a hell of a deal, my friend. It's a hell of a deal." 283 00:13:04,687 --> 00:13:08,748 That guy who... The guy that I know that's like that is a Las Vegas party promoter. 284 00:13:09,625 --> 00:13:11,286 You go either one of two ways. 285 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:13,555 Either the party-promoter style, or... 286 00:13:13,629 --> 00:13:14,926 - Or marine recruiter. - Marine recruiter. 287 00:13:14,997 --> 00:13:17,056 KEY: I mean, my man's reads to go. 288 00:13:21,871 --> 00:13:24,635 It is so good to see you, Keith. 289 00:13:24,740 --> 00:13:27,504 Yeah, we usually have to wait for a special occasion. 290 00:13:27,577 --> 00:13:29,101 Well, actually, I have a little surprise. 291 00:13:29,178 --> 00:13:31,078 I got engaged. 292 00:13:31,180 --> 00:13:32,704 - Oh! - (ALL LAUGHING) 293 00:13:34,784 --> 00:13:36,684 Oh, honey. 294 00:13:36,886 --> 00:13:38,251 Son. 295 00:13:42,358 --> 00:13:43,825 Whoo-hoo. 296 00:13:44,493 --> 00:13:45,551 Yes! 297 00:13:45,928 --> 00:13:47,361 Wow. 298 00:13:48,130 --> 00:13:49,893 Congratulations, little bro. 299 00:13:50,199 --> 00:13:52,292 (SNICKERING) Engaged. 300 00:13:52,635 --> 00:13:54,796 Kind of a big deal. 301 00:13:55,004 --> 00:13:57,370 More for me, I guess. That's what that means. 302 00:13:58,407 --> 00:14:01,376 Yes, well. Um, she got a name? 303 00:14:01,444 --> 00:14:02,502 Stephanie. 304 00:14:02,578 --> 00:14:05,445 Marriage is a wonderful journey. 305 00:14:05,514 --> 00:14:07,175 50% end in divorce. 306 00:14:08,284 --> 00:14:11,151 Sorry, bro. Them's just the facts. 307 00:14:12,088 --> 00:14:14,352 I will, I will keep that in mind, thank you. 308 00:14:15,925 --> 00:14:17,517 - You got a photo? - Oh, yeah. 309 00:14:17,593 --> 00:14:19,584 AKA does she exist? 310 00:14:19,795 --> 00:14:22,161 - There you go. - (WHISTLES) 311 00:14:22,465 --> 00:14:24,558 (LAUGHS) Mmm. 312 00:14:27,270 --> 00:14:30,535 Oh, she is beautiful. 313 00:14:30,773 --> 00:14:32,866 - Don't... - Let me get eyes on this. 314 00:14:33,476 --> 00:14:35,467 Everybody else already... 315 00:14:38,848 --> 00:14:40,247 Great lighting. 316 00:14:41,684 --> 00:14:43,345 - Airbrushed? - Uh, no. 317 00:14:43,452 --> 00:14:45,579 She kind of looks like that one model uh, 318 00:14:45,655 --> 00:14:47,816 - on The Price Is Right. - Uh, yes. 319 00:14:48,758 --> 00:14:51,556 - Uh, that's her. - The Price Is Right? 320 00:14:51,661 --> 00:14:53,595 Clive, that's your show. 321 00:14:53,663 --> 00:14:55,858 Shut up, Mom! No, it's not. 322 00:14:58,100 --> 00:14:59,362 Oh, yeah. 323 00:15:00,102 --> 00:15:01,433 Stephanie. 324 00:15:02,872 --> 00:15:06,831 People always underbid on her showcases. Not the best presenter. 325 00:15:08,978 --> 00:15:11,310 - Where's the wedding? - Oh, in Hawaii. 326 00:15:12,014 --> 00:15:14,244 - Oh. - (CHUCKLING) Oh, wow! 327 00:15:14,317 --> 00:15:15,477 (CLAPPING) 328 00:15:16,585 --> 00:15:17,916 Awesome. 329 00:15:17,987 --> 00:15:19,477 Whoo-hoo! 330 00:15:19,555 --> 00:15:22,046 (SPEAKING HAWAIIAN) 331 00:15:24,827 --> 00:15:26,818 - She ever been married before? - Uh, no. 332 00:15:26,896 --> 00:15:28,295 So she says. 333 00:15:28,464 --> 00:15:30,932 - Ex-boyfriend, she got one? - Of course. 334 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:34,060 Sloppy seconds, at least. Right, Dad? 335 00:15:37,173 --> 00:15:39,801 - Keith, she sounds wonderful. - Thank you, Mom. 336 00:15:39,875 --> 00:15:42,708 Shut up, Mom! 337 00:15:42,812 --> 00:15:44,473 Silence from you! 338 00:15:44,914 --> 00:15:47,678 You're cut off from talking! 339 00:15:50,186 --> 00:15:51,847 You know what, Clive? 340 00:15:51,921 --> 00:15:54,822 I really don't appreciate the way that you're talking to Mom. 341 00:15:57,860 --> 00:15:59,828 (LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY) 342 00:15:59,962 --> 00:16:01,156 Yes! 343 00:16:01,230 --> 00:16:02,822 Yes! 344 00:16:02,898 --> 00:16:05,799 The prodigal son hath returned! 345 00:16:06,035 --> 00:16:08,868 You know what? You want to go? Let's go. 346 00:16:08,938 --> 00:16:11,532 'Cause I've been here the last 15 years, 347 00:16:11,607 --> 00:16:13,040 taking care of Mom and Dad. 348 00:16:13,109 --> 00:16:16,272 While you've been trolloping all over the world, and why? 349 00:16:16,345 --> 00:16:19,940 So you could come back here and criticize me, for how I treat them? 350 00:16:20,015 --> 00:16:21,039 No. 351 00:16:21,283 --> 00:16:23,046 I actually came here 352 00:16:23,386 --> 00:16:26,583 to ask you if you would do me the honor of being my best man. 353 00:16:33,496 --> 00:16:36,488 I know that we've had our differences. 354 00:16:37,333 --> 00:16:38,925 But you're my older brother. 355 00:16:42,271 --> 00:16:43,829 We'll pay for your room. 356 00:16:44,306 --> 00:16:46,570 - And we're also gonna rent you a car. - (SOBS) 357 00:16:46,642 --> 00:16:48,576 And we'll pay to fly you out there. 358 00:16:53,582 --> 00:16:54,674 First class? 359 00:16:55,651 --> 00:16:57,209 Well, we can't afford first class. 360 00:16:57,286 --> 00:16:59,618 Well, fuck you! 361 00:16:59,688 --> 00:17:01,121 You're dead to me! 362 00:17:02,124 --> 00:17:04,092 - Clive! - Shut up, Mom! 363 00:17:04,226 --> 00:17:05,750 I'm eating in my room! 364 00:17:12,968 --> 00:17:14,902 Well, that went better than expected. 365 00:17:16,071 --> 00:17:17,868 - I think so. - Yeah. 366 00:17:25,714 --> 00:17:31,084 (MOVIE PLAYING ON SCREEN) 367 00:17:31,153 --> 00:17:33,280 - I'm going to the bathroom. - Okay. 368 00:17:33,722 --> 00:17:36,350 Excuse me. Excuse me. 369 00:17:36,425 --> 00:17:37,892 Can you quiet down? 370 00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:39,860 - Excuse me. - Meegan, you're being loud. 371 00:17:39,929 --> 00:17:43,160 - Excuse me. And excuse me. - Shh. 372 00:17:55,311 --> 00:17:56,300 Meegan. 373 00:17:57,913 --> 00:18:00,882 Meegan? Meegan, what are you doing? 374 00:18:01,183 --> 00:18:02,650 - Andre? - Meegan. 375 00:18:02,751 --> 00:18:04,241 Andre, where are you? 376 00:18:04,386 --> 00:18:07,150 - Shh. - You shh. I'm looking for my boyfriend. 377 00:18:07,623 --> 00:18:10,091 - You better shut your girl. - Okay, I'm doing it right now, dude. 378 00:18:10,159 --> 00:18:11,148 Meegan. 379 00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:12,959 - Andre? - Meegan. 380 00:18:13,028 --> 00:18:14,757 ALL: Shh! 381 00:18:14,830 --> 00:18:16,730 - Don't shh me. - ANDRE: I'm shushing you. 382 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:20,468 - Andre? - Meegan. 383 00:18:21,570 --> 00:18:22,935 - Andre? - Meegan. 384 00:18:23,005 --> 00:18:24,563 - Andre. - Meegan, come here. 385 00:18:24,907 --> 00:18:26,306 - Andre? - Meegan. 386 00:18:26,375 --> 00:18:27,569 - Andre? - Meegan. 387 00:18:27,643 --> 00:18:28,871 - Andre? - Meegan. 388 00:18:28,944 --> 00:18:30,002 - Andre? - Meegan. 389 00:18:30,079 --> 00:18:31,842 - Andre? - WOMAN: Shh! 390 00:18:32,348 --> 00:18:34,680 Why would you go back to where you were before? 391 00:18:38,053 --> 00:18:40,146 Siri, call Andre. 392 00:18:40,222 --> 00:18:41,382 Don't call me. 393 00:18:41,457 --> 00:18:44,051 - Don't do that. Meegan. - (CELL PHONE RINGING) 394 00:18:45,928 --> 00:18:48,795 - ANDRE: Shit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - (CELL PHONE RINGING) 395 00:18:48,864 --> 00:18:49,956 Meegan, what is wrong with you? 396 00:18:50,032 --> 00:18:52,296 - What the fuck are you doing? - Andre, where are you? 397 00:18:52,368 --> 00:18:54,666 - I'm behind you. - Will you FaceTime me? 398 00:18:54,737 --> 00:18:57,035 I'm not gonna do it right now. You wouldn't be able to see me. 399 00:18:57,106 --> 00:18:58,733 - It's fucking dark in here. - I know. 400 00:18:58,807 --> 00:19:00,741 That's why I can't find you. 401 00:19:00,809 --> 00:19:03,004 I'm directly behind you. Turn around. 402 00:19:03,078 --> 00:19:04,705 Okay, I'm gonna turn around. 403 00:19:05,581 --> 00:19:07,208 You didn't need to announce it, just do it. 404 00:19:07,316 --> 00:19:08,806 I'm right there. Fuck. 405 00:19:08,884 --> 00:19:10,010 Fuck. Fuck. 406 00:19:10,085 --> 00:19:11,575 Stop yelling at me! 407 00:19:11,654 --> 00:19:16,057 Meegan, have you sustained a head injury or had a stroke in the last ten minutes? 408 00:19:16,125 --> 00:19:18,685 - What do you mean by that? - Meegan. 409 00:19:18,861 --> 00:19:21,728 - Dude, put your phone away. - Yup. Yup. 410 00:19:21,864 --> 00:19:24,662 - OMG, did you just hang up on me? - Yes. 411 00:19:25,067 --> 00:19:27,729 I'm not talking to you, sir. I'm talking to my boyfriend. 412 00:19:27,803 --> 00:19:29,293 It's me, Meegan. 413 00:19:30,406 --> 00:19:32,169 - Andre! - MAN: Lady, get out of here. 414 00:19:32,241 --> 00:19:34,038 No, you get out of here. I can go wherever I want. 415 00:19:34,109 --> 00:19:35,701 I'm looking for my boyfriend. 416 00:19:35,778 --> 00:19:37,939 - Andre! - Come on, you can't be up here. 417 00:19:38,013 --> 00:19:41,005 Andre! Shit! Get off me, Mr. Director. 418 00:19:41,116 --> 00:19:42,105 He's not the director. 419 00:19:42,184 --> 00:19:45,347 Can you shine this light on the audience? I want to see my boyfriend. 420 00:19:45,421 --> 00:19:48,720 Let me see something. Ah! The light's in my eyes. 421 00:19:48,791 --> 00:19:50,349 Meegan, get out of the projection booth! 422 00:19:50,426 --> 00:19:53,156 - MAN: Shh. - Don't shush me. 423 00:19:55,598 --> 00:19:56,656 Excuse me. 424 00:19:57,866 --> 00:19:59,197 Excuse me. 425 00:19:59,969 --> 00:20:01,300 Excuse me. 426 00:20:01,503 --> 00:20:03,562 And... 427 00:20:05,107 --> 00:20:06,438 Excuse me. 428 00:20:08,577 --> 00:20:10,135 I couldn't find the bathroom. 429 00:20:14,817 --> 00:20:17,445 (PEELE HUMMING) 430 00:20:18,187 --> 00:20:20,121 - I'll tell you what, man. - Hmm? 431 00:20:20,522 --> 00:20:23,923 - I'm not even pretending. I'm a wuss. - Mmm-hmm, yeah, I know. 432 00:20:24,093 --> 00:20:25,788 Sometimes I'll be coming in the house talking about, 433 00:20:25,861 --> 00:20:27,123 "Can we just turn the air on?" 434 00:20:27,196 --> 00:20:28,493 My wife's like, "Oh, you want to turn the air on?" 435 00:20:28,564 --> 00:20:30,361 I'm like, "Yeah, I'm dying up in this bitch." 436 00:20:30,432 --> 00:20:31,660 Me, too. 437 00:20:31,734 --> 00:20:35,101 And my girl be talking about, "Really? I'm cold." 438 00:20:36,572 --> 00:20:37,596 "You cold?" 439 00:20:37,673 --> 00:20:39,937 She's got the cardigan on. You're going, "What is going on?" 440 00:20:40,009 --> 00:20:41,033 I'm like, what is going on? 441 00:20:41,110 --> 00:20:45,274 To me, I'm sorry, if I look at a thermostat, and it's on 74, that's hot. 442 00:20:45,347 --> 00:20:46,905 - Exactly. I'm like... - Seventy four is hot. 443 00:20:46,982 --> 00:20:50,884 "Let me turn the thermostat down and come snuggle, 'cause I run warm. 444 00:20:50,953 --> 00:20:52,853 "I'll furnace your ass out right now." 445 00:20:52,921 --> 00:20:54,286 (LAUGHS) "Furnace your ass out." 446 00:20:54,356 --> 00:20:56,620 "I'm heating for two in this bitch. 447 00:20:56,692 --> 00:20:58,557 "Why you got to be across the room freezing?" 448 00:20:58,627 --> 00:20:59,992 He said, "Heating for two." 449 00:21:00,062 --> 00:21:02,053 (HARMONIZED SINGING) I'm gonna do my one line here 450 00:21:02,131 --> 00:21:03,996 Oh yeah. 451 00:21:07,436 --> 00:21:09,165 Carlito, stop! 452 00:21:09,605 --> 00:21:11,436 Carlito, come on, stop. 453 00:21:12,541 --> 00:21:13,769 Fern. 454 00:21:13,842 --> 00:21:15,332 Okay, why would you do it again? 455 00:21:15,411 --> 00:21:17,902 Why would you do it again? Carlito. 456 00:21:17,980 --> 00:21:19,538 If you think about it, 457 00:21:19,615 --> 00:21:22,311 it's more loco that it didn't break. 34296

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