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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,229 --> 00:00:07,697 Wasn't that the turn for our polling station? 2 00:00:07,765 --> 00:00:09,824 Huh, why, no, young man. 3 00:00:09,900 --> 00:00:12,926 Uh, see, we, we know a shorter route 4 00:00:13,003 --> 00:00:16,439 to your, to our democratic polling station. 5 00:00:16,507 --> 00:00:18,668 You know how us democrats like a shortcut, 6 00:00:18,742 --> 00:00:21,506 like government spending to prop up the economy. 7 00:00:21,578 --> 00:00:24,308 There's nothing more we love than those, uh, federal programs. 8 00:00:24,381 --> 00:00:25,370 (CHUCKLES) 9 00:00:25,449 --> 00:00:27,007 You two are democrats, aren't you? 10 00:00:27,084 --> 00:00:29,644 - What? - (BOTH LAUGHING) 11 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:30,709 Of course, we are. 12 00:00:30,788 --> 00:00:32,585 You see the color of our skin, don't you? 13 00:00:32,656 --> 00:00:35,022 How could we not blindly vote democratic? 14 00:00:35,092 --> 00:00:36,616 I mean, that would be ridiculous. 15 00:00:36,694 --> 00:00:39,219 Whatever. All I know is my polling place closes in 15 minutes. 16 00:00:39,329 --> 00:00:41,388 - Why, that would be terrible. - Awful. 17 00:00:41,465 --> 00:00:44,696 I mean, how are you going to elect tax and spend politicians if you can't vote? 18 00:00:45,469 --> 00:00:48,267 It's hard enough to vote with all those voter ID laws. 19 00:00:49,006 --> 00:00:50,701 - Republicans. - Argh! 20 00:00:50,774 --> 00:00:53,402 - (GROANS) - Those gosh-darn Republicans. 21 00:00:53,477 --> 00:00:56,446 - I know. I'm just like, "Grr!" - Yeah, 10 and two, Douglas. 22 00:00:56,513 --> 00:00:57,502 - Right. - You know what? 23 00:00:57,581 --> 00:01:00,141 If there were any Republicans here, whoa-ho-ho-oh, 24 00:01:00,217 --> 00:01:01,411 - I'd be pissed. - Mmm. 25 00:01:01,485 --> 00:01:03,112 - I'd be royally pissed. - Me too. Me too. 26 00:01:03,187 --> 00:01:05,519 In fact, I would take their hard-fought principles, 27 00:01:05,589 --> 00:01:08,023 and I'd shove it right up their keisters. 28 00:01:08,092 --> 00:01:09,081 Of course, you would. 29 00:01:09,393 --> 00:01:12,055 We seem to be driving in circles. 30 00:01:12,763 --> 00:01:15,027 Uh, don't worry. We're almost there. 31 00:01:15,099 --> 00:01:16,430 - (TIRES SCREECHING) - (GRUNTS) 32 00:01:17,134 --> 00:01:19,932 Look, it appears we've hit somebody. 33 00:01:20,003 --> 00:01:21,732 We should get out and help him. 34 00:01:21,805 --> 00:01:24,467 - Oh! - Oh, my leg! 35 00:01:24,541 --> 00:01:25,530 Oh, my leg. 36 00:01:25,609 --> 00:01:26,633 Oopsy daisy. Oopsy daisy. 37 00:01:27,177 --> 00:01:28,166 PEELE: Here you go. 38 00:01:28,812 --> 00:01:30,302 - I am pissed. - What? 39 00:01:30,380 --> 00:01:31,870 I am royally pissed. 40 00:01:32,382 --> 00:01:35,180 Now, although it was only this one man's fault, 41 00:01:35,252 --> 00:01:38,585 I will be using all of your tax dollars to get healthy. 42 00:01:38,655 --> 00:01:40,987 Thanks to the affordable healthcare act. 43 00:01:41,091 --> 00:01:42,456 I know it doesn't seem fair, 44 00:01:42,526 --> 00:01:45,222 but that's supposedly the law of the land nowadays. 45 00:01:45,329 --> 00:01:47,297 - That's what I've heard. - You don't look that hurt. 46 00:01:48,031 --> 00:01:51,523 Why y'all wearing those same leather jackets and those dad jeans? 47 00:01:51,602 --> 00:01:53,866 - Disperse! - (WOMAN GASPS) 48 00:01:59,810 --> 00:02:02,108 Black Republican motherfuckers! 49 00:02:04,848 --> 00:02:06,440 Crazy crazy 50 00:02:06,850 --> 00:02:08,647 Does is crazy 51 00:02:09,419 --> 00:02:11,614 Make up for adjustment 52 00:02:12,756 --> 00:02:15,691 You jammin' on the verse 53 00:02:16,660 --> 00:02:20,460 First one's planned that you want to do 54 00:02:20,664 --> 00:02:22,188 All I want 55 00:02:22,699 --> 00:02:26,066 But I don't need you 56 00:02:27,871 --> 00:02:30,203 PEELE: If we were criminals on... 57 00:02:30,274 --> 00:02:31,673 (LAUGHING) 58 00:02:32,709 --> 00:02:35,473 On a trip to create mayhem, 59 00:02:36,013 --> 00:02:39,107 what style criminal do you think you would be? 60 00:02:39,183 --> 00:02:41,617 I might try to go that Natural Born Killers situation. 61 00:02:41,952 --> 00:02:43,078 - Yeah, yeah, right. - You know what I mean? 62 00:02:43,153 --> 00:02:45,121 - Well, they were lovers. - I don't mean. No, that's crazy. 63 00:02:45,222 --> 00:02:46,314 They were having sex. 64 00:02:46,390 --> 00:02:48,358 - We wouldn't necessarily do that. - So what do you mean by that? 65 00:02:48,425 --> 00:02:49,414 You know what made me say it? 66 00:02:49,493 --> 00:02:50,551 You said mayhem, 67 00:02:50,627 --> 00:02:52,492 - and they were just wreaking mayhem. - No, but the first thing 68 00:02:52,563 --> 00:02:54,190 that came to your head was a couple... 69 00:02:54,264 --> 00:02:55,424 - But that's... - That murdered people. 70 00:02:55,499 --> 00:02:57,330 But that's not what I was thinking about when I said it. 71 00:02:57,401 --> 00:02:58,993 I was thinking about the fact that they were spreading 72 00:02:59,069 --> 00:03:00,331 mayhem all over the jim-jam. 73 00:03:00,404 --> 00:03:01,928 Dude, what? You're not thinking about it? 74 00:03:02,005 --> 00:03:03,734 It's like, you might as well have said a porn movie. 75 00:03:06,777 --> 00:03:07,675 (INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER POLICE RADIO) 76 00:03:07,744 --> 00:03:09,041 (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) 77 00:03:09,112 --> 00:03:10,272 - It's a weird one. - Yeah. 78 00:03:10,347 --> 00:03:13,009 Nothing out of place, no murder weapon. 79 00:03:13,083 --> 00:03:16,541 And no motive. There's just a couple lying dead in their bed. 80 00:03:17,221 --> 00:03:18,916 The proof is always out there, detectives. 81 00:03:19,890 --> 00:03:22,051 You just have to know where to find the pudding. 82 00:03:22,125 --> 00:03:23,114 Excuse me, sir, you can't be here. 83 00:03:23,193 --> 00:03:25,423 - This is a crime scene. - Samwell, it's okay. 84 00:03:26,196 --> 00:03:28,824 DETECTIVE FERGUSON: He's the greatest sex-crime investigator in history. 85 00:03:29,433 --> 00:03:32,197 - Lf it isn't Detective Chuck Vaughan... - Detective Sally Ferguson. 86 00:03:32,269 --> 00:03:33,861 We could use a genius right now. 87 00:03:33,937 --> 00:03:35,199 Tom Samwell. 88 00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:38,473 What have we got, Samwell? 89 00:03:38,542 --> 00:03:41,375 Well, Vaughan, we've got ourselves a hard case here. 90 00:03:41,445 --> 00:03:44,073 - All we've got is... - Two bodies, both dead, naked. 91 00:03:44,147 --> 00:03:46,843 One man, one woman in the bed, 92 00:03:46,917 --> 00:03:48,748 two scented candles by the nightstand. 93 00:03:48,819 --> 00:03:50,081 - How did you... - Shh. 94 00:03:50,153 --> 00:03:52,781 No sign of forced entry. (CHUCKLES) 95 00:03:52,856 --> 00:03:54,050 He loved the way they smelled. 96 00:03:54,157 --> 00:03:55,681 (DETECTIVE VAUGHAN SNIFFING) 97 00:03:55,759 --> 00:03:59,456 He wanted to cross the threshold the way they had on their wedding day. 98 00:03:59,529 --> 00:04:02,464 (SIGHS) You dirty dog. 99 00:04:02,532 --> 00:04:03,931 (CHUCKLES) 100 00:04:04,001 --> 00:04:07,266 He would've experienced that pleasure right here. 101 00:04:07,337 --> 00:04:10,500 - (PANTS UNZIP) - (GROANING LOUDLY) 102 00:04:17,814 --> 00:04:18,803 Anniversary. 103 00:04:18,882 --> 00:04:21,942 The couple was together for a while, wanted to spice things up. 104 00:04:22,786 --> 00:04:23,810 (SIGHS) 105 00:04:23,887 --> 00:04:25,411 Check the date on the photograph. 106 00:04:29,626 --> 00:04:31,958 (SIGHS) Vaughan's right. 107 00:04:32,029 --> 00:04:35,760 Today was their 15th wedding anniversary. This is huge. 108 00:04:36,266 --> 00:04:39,133 And... What the fuck was that? 109 00:04:39,202 --> 00:04:43,605 You just pulled your dick out and started jerking off at the crime scene. 110 00:04:43,674 --> 00:04:45,801 Samwell, he's the best there is. 111 00:04:46,276 --> 00:04:48,244 By putting himself in the perpetrator's mind-set, 112 00:04:48,312 --> 00:04:50,780 he's able to solve crimes that involve sex. 113 00:04:50,847 --> 00:04:51,836 Bag this up. 114 00:04:52,249 --> 00:04:53,739 Some call it a blessing. 115 00:04:55,118 --> 00:04:56,107 It's more like a curse. 116 00:04:56,186 --> 00:04:57,380 Is that what it feels like? 117 00:04:58,555 --> 00:05:00,022 (SNIFFING) 118 00:05:00,090 --> 00:05:01,387 Threesome. 119 00:05:01,458 --> 00:05:02,652 (SIGHS) 120 00:05:06,196 --> 00:05:08,858 You wanted to see them, didn't you? You wanted to watch. 121 00:05:10,701 --> 00:05:14,797 25 feet from the bedroom, across from the kitchen, you... 122 00:05:14,871 --> 00:05:16,566 (HUFFING) 123 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:19,131 You didn't want to see their flesh yet, did you? 124 00:05:20,310 --> 00:05:24,337 No. He stood right here. 125 00:05:24,414 --> 00:05:27,941 - (PANTS UNZIP) - (GROANING LOUDLY) 126 00:05:33,890 --> 00:05:34,879 (GRUNTS) 127 00:05:36,727 --> 00:05:38,592 (EXHALES) Role play gone wrong. 128 00:05:38,662 --> 00:05:39,788 Check the logs. 129 00:05:45,235 --> 00:05:46,224 (GASPS) 130 00:05:46,670 --> 00:05:48,399 We've got a bloody fire poker. 131 00:05:48,472 --> 00:05:49,962 We've got our murder weapon. 132 00:05:50,540 --> 00:05:55,910 Um, why do your revelations require masturbation? 133 00:05:55,979 --> 00:05:57,378 Why do kittens require milk? 134 00:05:57,447 --> 00:05:59,745 - Nope, not the same thing. - Hey. 135 00:05:59,816 --> 00:06:03,445 Hey, he's the most brilliant goddamn detective I know. 136 00:06:03,820 --> 00:06:05,981 Put your ego aside and give Vaughan his space. 137 00:06:06,056 --> 00:06:11,358 My ego? We've got Captain Pudpuller flinging his fluids all over the crime scene. 138 00:06:11,428 --> 00:06:12,486 DETECTIVE VAUGHAN: Wait. 139 00:06:13,063 --> 00:06:14,155 He knew them. 140 00:06:15,465 --> 00:06:16,489 He... 141 00:06:16,566 --> 00:06:19,797 They were close, so close, too close. 142 00:06:19,870 --> 00:06:21,531 He, he... 143 00:06:22,906 --> 00:06:25,340 I think he knew the house. 144 00:06:27,177 --> 00:06:28,235 Why? 145 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:32,246 (SPEAKS SOFTLY) What did you want, you sick bastard? 146 00:06:34,384 --> 00:06:35,817 You wanted to see, 147 00:06:37,487 --> 00:06:39,182 what he saw every day. 148 00:06:40,223 --> 00:06:41,554 Only closer. 149 00:06:42,859 --> 00:06:43,848 Closer. 150 00:06:46,897 --> 00:06:48,023 He was close to home. 151 00:06:48,098 --> 00:06:51,534 (GROANING LOUDLY) 152 00:07:03,413 --> 00:07:04,402 There's our man. 153 00:07:06,016 --> 00:07:07,142 DETECTIVE FERGUSON: All right, let's go get him. 154 00:07:07,217 --> 00:07:08,241 - Go, go! - (MOUTHING) How did you... 155 00:07:12,289 --> 00:07:15,087 Vaughan, that was amazing. 156 00:07:15,158 --> 00:07:17,422 I'm sorry that I doubted you. 157 00:07:18,395 --> 00:07:20,192 Your methods are unorthodox, 158 00:07:20,263 --> 00:07:23,630 but I cannot argue with your results. 159 00:07:24,167 --> 00:07:25,998 (SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE) 160 00:07:26,069 --> 00:07:27,161 No hard feelings? 161 00:07:27,237 --> 00:07:29,205 - Uh, no, nope, not gonna do that. - Yeah. 162 00:07:35,512 --> 00:07:38,106 KEY: I only got cable, like, in the '90s. 163 00:07:38,181 --> 00:07:41,548 - That's the best time for cable. - Best time for cable, especially on Cinemax. 164 00:07:42,652 --> 00:07:45,849 Cinemax didn't be showing nothing but soft-core porn. 165 00:07:45,922 --> 00:07:47,947 But this is what bugs me about these movies. 166 00:07:48,024 --> 00:07:49,491 - It's an action movie. - Mmm-hmm. 167 00:07:49,559 --> 00:07:53,256 - In the first scene, the wife always dies. - Mmm-hmm. 168 00:07:53,330 --> 00:07:56,026 And then they're reluctant to get into this new relationship 169 00:07:56,099 --> 00:07:58,499 - with this hot, young journalist... - Right, right. (YAWNS) 170 00:07:58,568 --> 00:08:01,332 - Excuse me. - Who's covering the, you know. 171 00:08:01,705 --> 00:08:03,605 - Kumite? - Kumite, thank you. 172 00:08:03,673 --> 00:08:05,834 Mmm-hmm. (LAUGHS) 173 00:08:05,909 --> 00:08:08,173 And it's, to me, it's always an excuse to, like, 174 00:08:08,712 --> 00:08:13,911 live the dream of having two different women, a brunette and a blonde. 175 00:08:13,984 --> 00:08:18,421 Then I, you know, I reluctantly have to have sex with both of them... 176 00:08:18,488 --> 00:08:19,546 With both these gorgeous women, right. 177 00:08:19,623 --> 00:08:20,715 - During this hour and a half. - Right. 178 00:08:20,790 --> 00:08:23,884 - Right, right, right, right, right. - No! My wife died. 179 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:24,949 KEY: Yeah. 180 00:08:25,428 --> 00:08:29,865 And now this reporter is trying to sleep with me months later. 181 00:08:29,933 --> 00:08:31,127 Right. Right, right, right. 182 00:08:31,201 --> 00:08:32,327 I have to give in. 183 00:08:33,003 --> 00:08:33,992 It's too much. 184 00:09:13,710 --> 00:09:15,507 (MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER WALKIE-TALKIE) 185 00:09:15,579 --> 00:09:16,705 Front of house is clear. 186 00:09:18,281 --> 00:09:19,509 MAN 1: Huh? Did you hear that? 187 00:09:24,254 --> 00:09:25,482 MAN 2: Must've been nothing. 188 00:09:45,809 --> 00:09:47,106 Back patio's clear. 189 00:09:49,279 --> 00:09:50,268 (GRUNTS) 190 00:09:52,349 --> 00:09:53,338 (GRUNTS) 191 00:10:21,077 --> 00:10:22,066 (GRUNTS) 192 00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:31,612 (WOMAN LAUGHING) 193 00:10:40,463 --> 00:10:41,452 (GRUNTS) 194 00:10:58,481 --> 00:11:00,472 - (GASPS) - Shh. 195 00:11:11,227 --> 00:11:12,888 Now it's my turn to play. 196 00:11:17,934 --> 00:11:19,265 (SNAPS FINGERS) 197 00:11:19,336 --> 00:11:20,428 (GUNS COCKING) 198 00:11:22,706 --> 00:11:24,230 (WOMAN SCREAMS) 199 00:11:27,377 --> 00:11:28,401 (GUNS COCKING) 200 00:11:33,183 --> 00:11:34,172 (GASPS) 201 00:11:36,486 --> 00:11:37,475 (GRUNTS) 202 00:11:44,427 --> 00:11:45,416 Oh. 203 00:11:45,862 --> 00:11:47,056 (CHUCKLES) 204 00:11:48,898 --> 00:11:50,297 - Carol. - (GUN COCKS) 205 00:11:50,367 --> 00:11:51,459 (GASPS) Teague! 206 00:11:52,769 --> 00:11:56,000 I thought I killed you the first time, Mr. Teague. 207 00:11:56,673 --> 00:12:00,302 I promise, I will not make the same mistake twice. 208 00:12:01,411 --> 00:12:02,400 (BREATHES DEEPLY) 209 00:12:04,314 --> 00:12:05,941 (GRUNTS) 210 00:12:07,517 --> 00:12:09,382 You are a good cop, Mr. Teague, 211 00:12:10,387 --> 00:12:12,150 but a lousy fighter. 212 00:12:12,622 --> 00:12:13,782 Ugh! Ah! 213 00:12:13,857 --> 00:12:16,451 Ugh! Ugh! Oh! Ugh! 214 00:12:16,526 --> 00:12:20,929 Ugh! Oh! Ugh! Oh! Ugh! 215 00:12:21,564 --> 00:12:22,588 (GRUNTS) 216 00:12:23,967 --> 00:12:26,527 No! No! Teague! 217 00:12:31,374 --> 00:12:33,808 Oh, snap, Mr. Teague. 218 00:12:37,947 --> 00:12:39,005 (BODY THUDS) 219 00:12:40,216 --> 00:12:41,444 Snap indeed. 220 00:12:45,722 --> 00:12:47,451 Oh. (CHUCKLES) 221 00:12:54,030 --> 00:12:57,830 Teague, you saved my life. 222 00:12:57,901 --> 00:12:59,334 No, Carol. 223 00:13:00,236 --> 00:13:01,430 You saved mine. 224 00:13:14,517 --> 00:13:16,041 - (BONES CRACK) - Oh. 225 00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:18,519 Oh, shit. 226 00:13:18,588 --> 00:13:20,078 Oh, shit. 227 00:13:22,859 --> 00:13:25,487 (BONES CRACKING) 228 00:13:26,796 --> 00:13:27,785 (SPEAKS SOFTLY) That's just... 229 00:13:29,933 --> 00:13:30,991 (BONES CRACK) 230 00:13:46,883 --> 00:13:49,044 Good evening, my fellow Americans. 231 00:13:49,118 --> 00:13:52,315 With me, as always, is my anger translator, Luther. 232 00:13:52,388 --> 00:13:54,049 - What it do? - Oh. 233 00:13:54,123 --> 00:13:58,059 As you know, for the past six years, uh... 234 00:13:58,127 --> 00:14:01,494 I've received my fair share of criticism from the Republican party. 235 00:14:01,564 --> 00:14:04,032 (SPITS) I can't even give Malia an allowance 236 00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:06,864 without them accusing me of wealth redistribution! 237 00:14:07,770 --> 00:14:10,136 It's all part of rough-and-tumble politics. 238 00:14:10,206 --> 00:14:13,334 I hate you! 239 00:14:14,410 --> 00:14:18,779 Uh, in recent years, I've also received a good amount 240 00:14:18,848 --> 00:14:21,408 of criticism from my fellow democrats. 241 00:14:21,484 --> 00:14:23,714 Oh, my God, these motherfuckers right here. 242 00:14:23,786 --> 00:14:25,219 How am is... Oh. 243 00:14:26,689 --> 00:14:28,179 Do these... I'm gonna get 'em. 244 00:14:28,258 --> 00:14:29,555 I'm gonna get these... 245 00:14:30,059 --> 00:14:32,084 Tell me. I'ma... (GROANS) 246 00:14:32,161 --> 00:14:33,458 Not you, though. 247 00:14:33,530 --> 00:14:34,997 (GROANS) 248 00:14:35,498 --> 00:14:37,762 I'ma bust all you niggas in the lip. 249 00:14:38,701 --> 00:14:39,963 Now, I know. 250 00:14:40,737 --> 00:14:46,039 The right to express one's opinion about the powers that be is the very thing 251 00:14:46,109 --> 00:14:47,508 that makes this country great. 252 00:14:47,577 --> 00:14:49,841 Like I ain't got enough shit to do! 253 00:14:49,913 --> 00:14:52,347 We got a James Bond villain running Russia! 254 00:14:52,415 --> 00:14:54,508 I got a congress full of tea baggers! 255 00:14:54,584 --> 00:14:56,415 The Earth is burning up! 256 00:14:56,486 --> 00:15:00,684 And now I got to deal with all these whiny-ass biotches from my own party! 257 00:15:00,757 --> 00:15:07,560 Some have cited my inability to make good on my campaign promise to, uh, 258 00:15:07,630 --> 00:15:08,961 close Guantanamo Bay. 259 00:15:09,032 --> 00:15:10,829 Congress shut me down! 260 00:15:10,900 --> 00:15:12,527 I'm a president, y'all! 261 00:15:12,602 --> 00:15:15,002 I'm a president, not a king! 262 00:15:15,071 --> 00:15:16,629 They checked and balanced my ass! 263 00:15:16,706 --> 00:15:19,334 I mean, goddamn! 264 00:15:20,443 --> 00:15:25,471 And then there are those on the left who have criticized my continued usage 265 00:15:25,548 --> 00:15:26,640 of drone strikes. 266 00:15:26,716 --> 00:15:28,081 You know what? 267 00:15:28,151 --> 00:15:30,346 Y'all can't have it both ways, man! 268 00:15:30,420 --> 00:15:33,355 What do you, you can't have the soldiers coming home 269 00:15:33,423 --> 00:15:36,085 hugging the moms and then also at the same time 270 00:15:36,159 --> 00:15:40,061 have me killing, with the... In the caves! 271 00:15:40,129 --> 00:15:42,154 Y'all should be embracing this technology 272 00:15:42,231 --> 00:15:43,357 'cause it's pretty amazing, man. 273 00:15:43,433 --> 00:15:44,866 It's awesome. All you got to do is pick up the phone 274 00:15:44,934 --> 00:15:47,198 and say, "Excuse me, I'd like to order two dead terrorists." 275 00:15:47,270 --> 00:15:49,170 Blip. Kablam! 276 00:15:49,238 --> 00:15:50,466 - Luther. - It's amazing! 277 00:15:50,540 --> 00:15:55,204 I mean, we can murder people with flying robots! 278 00:15:55,278 --> 00:15:57,508 - Luther, Luther... - It's like we in Star Wars world, dog. 279 00:15:57,580 --> 00:15:58,877 And I'm Darth Vader up in this bitch. 280 00:15:58,948 --> 00:16:01,109 - I'm like... - I know you are. 281 00:16:01,184 --> 00:16:06,622 (INDISTINCT CHATTER COMING FROM DRONE) 282 00:16:09,125 --> 00:16:12,458 Luther, what is wrong in your head? 283 00:16:12,528 --> 00:16:17,989 Why would you compare the president to one of the Lords of the Sith? 284 00:16:18,067 --> 00:16:19,056 (CLEARS THROAT) 285 00:16:20,937 --> 00:16:22,837 Thank you and good night. 286 00:16:23,272 --> 00:16:25,638 (INDISTINCT CHATTER COMING FROM DRONE) 287 00:16:29,245 --> 00:16:33,875 If Obama needed to snuggle, I'd snuggle. 288 00:16:33,950 --> 00:16:36,680 Yeah, I'd spoon the president in a second. 289 00:16:36,753 --> 00:16:39,051 - You would get spooned by the president. - Uh-oh. 290 00:16:39,122 --> 00:16:43,058 You can't, you can't risk paparazzi coming up and seeing you spooning him. 291 00:16:43,426 --> 00:16:45,121 Yeah, but that'd be a boost for my career. 292 00:16:45,228 --> 00:16:48,823 - (LAUGHS) Any of this, any moment. - In any configuration, 293 00:16:48,898 --> 00:16:51,093 spoon, spooner, or spoonee... 294 00:16:51,167 --> 00:16:52,759 - You're gonna be... - I'm in good shape. 295 00:16:52,835 --> 00:16:54,268 You're like a modern-day Marilyn Monroe. 296 00:16:54,337 --> 00:16:55,861 Oh, hell, yeah. I'm on the cover of In Touch 297 00:16:55,938 --> 00:16:58,873 - for a week. - Talk about happy birthday, Mr. President. 298 00:16:58,941 --> 00:17:01,273 Yeah, I'm in just, (SNORTS) you kidding me? 299 00:17:01,344 --> 00:17:03,369 Get up in there and get some slippers on. 300 00:17:03,446 --> 00:17:04,811 - Play a little basketball beforehand. - Mmm-hmm. 301 00:17:04,881 --> 00:17:06,246 Take a shower. 302 00:17:06,315 --> 00:17:07,509 Put on the night clothes. 303 00:17:08,284 --> 00:17:09,751 You ready, O? You ready, Barama? 304 00:17:09,819 --> 00:17:12,151 - Barama. - (BOTH LAUGHING) 305 00:17:18,895 --> 00:17:20,658 So you got to keep the toppings full. 306 00:17:20,730 --> 00:17:23,255 Okay, got it. I'm on top of that. 307 00:17:23,332 --> 00:17:24,959 You gonna fit in just fine here. 308 00:17:25,034 --> 00:17:28,561 Hey, someday that might be your picture on the wall. 309 00:17:29,405 --> 00:17:32,533 Oh, employee of the year. 310 00:17:32,608 --> 00:17:33,700 When does she work? 311 00:17:33,776 --> 00:17:34,834 What? 312 00:17:34,911 --> 00:17:37,607 I was just wondering when she works. 313 00:17:38,281 --> 00:17:39,407 Girl, it's me. 314 00:17:41,984 --> 00:17:43,918 Oh... 315 00:17:45,421 --> 00:17:46,979 Congrats. 316 00:17:47,056 --> 00:17:49,422 Now, here's the best part about working at a yogurt shop, 317 00:17:49,492 --> 00:17:52,290 - is you get all the free froyo you want. - Mmm-hmm. 318 00:17:52,361 --> 00:17:55,694 And you can't believe how delicious it is and also fat free. 319 00:17:55,765 --> 00:17:59,826 Thank God, because my boyfriend, he just got back from his tour in Afghanistan, 320 00:17:59,902 --> 00:18:01,369 and he's coming here to pick me up. 321 00:18:01,437 --> 00:18:03,462 He should be here in a minute. I haven't seen him in a year. 322 00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:06,772 A whole year, you say. 323 00:18:07,243 --> 00:18:09,006 LATIYA: Mmm-hmm. Have some. 324 00:18:10,246 --> 00:18:11,543 I'm good. 325 00:18:12,081 --> 00:18:13,946 Now, if you need an extra shirt or anything, 326 00:18:14,016 --> 00:18:16,541 they gonna be in there, because these seem to shrink. 327 00:18:16,619 --> 00:18:17,916 - Uh-huh. - Okay, you know what, girl? 328 00:18:17,987 --> 00:18:19,352 I can't get enough of this stuff. 329 00:18:19,889 --> 00:18:21,720 I mean, you should have some. It's free. 330 00:18:21,791 --> 00:18:25,022 No, I'm okay. I'm, I'll have some later. 331 00:18:25,094 --> 00:18:27,528 Come on, girl, it's fat free. 332 00:18:30,233 --> 00:18:32,201 Hi. I just got back from Afghanistan. 333 00:18:32,268 --> 00:18:33,929 I'm here looking for my girlfriend, Latiya. 334 00:18:34,003 --> 00:18:35,265 Aah! 335 00:18:35,338 --> 00:18:36,930 Baby! 336 00:18:39,075 --> 00:18:40,440 Baby, what, what? It's me. 337 00:18:40,977 --> 00:18:42,239 (STAMMERS) No, it's not. 338 00:18:42,311 --> 00:18:43,437 What? It's me. 339 00:18:45,715 --> 00:18:47,444 Apparently, she doesn't work here anymore. 340 00:18:47,517 --> 00:18:48,643 Thanks. 341 00:18:48,718 --> 00:18:49,707 What? 342 00:18:51,854 --> 00:18:53,879 Oh, my God! He's leaving me! 343 00:18:54,657 --> 00:18:58,354 Desmona, is he leaving me? Desmona, why would he leave me? 344 00:18:58,427 --> 00:19:01,419 What, what possible reason could there be for him leaving me? 345 00:19:02,231 --> 00:19:04,722 For him leaving me? 346 00:19:04,801 --> 00:19:07,929 Maybe he, maybe he got that PSD. PSD. 347 00:19:08,004 --> 00:19:10,370 - What? Oh, you mean the PTSDS? - The PTSDS. 348 00:19:10,439 --> 00:19:11,963 You mean, the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? 349 00:19:14,310 --> 00:19:16,005 - (CRYING) It's got to be that. - It's got to be that. 350 00:19:16,078 --> 00:19:18,239 Oh, my God! My baby got the PTSD! 351 00:19:19,715 --> 00:19:24,152 My baby got the PTSD! That could be the only reason! 352 00:19:25,354 --> 00:19:26,719 Oh, my baby! 353 00:19:26,789 --> 00:19:30,623 My poor, poor baby got the PTSDS! 354 00:19:30,693 --> 00:19:32,422 Oh, my baby! 355 00:19:33,329 --> 00:19:35,263 (CRYING) 356 00:19:37,233 --> 00:19:42,102 (MACHINE WHIRRING) 357 00:19:44,006 --> 00:19:45,200 KEY: Ain't nobody caring about centaurs. 358 00:19:45,274 --> 00:19:46,901 These dudes just running around raping women. 359 00:19:46,976 --> 00:19:47,965 - Centaurs? - Human women. 360 00:19:48,044 --> 00:19:49,341 Oh, yeah, them too. They were bad at it. 361 00:19:49,412 --> 00:19:52,438 How does a centaur even have sex with a human? 362 00:19:52,515 --> 00:19:53,504 Oh, they do it. 363 00:19:53,583 --> 00:19:57,383 If I was a woman and I saw a centaur... 364 00:19:58,154 --> 00:19:59,781 - Oh, I thought... ...why would I not get up on that? 365 00:19:59,856 --> 00:20:02,154 The dude is half man, half horse. 366 00:20:02,558 --> 00:20:03,889 You would want... Wait. 367 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,326 - I'm just saying... - You're saying, if you were a woman... 368 00:20:06,395 --> 00:20:10,388 If I'm a woman and the centaur had a really nice personality, you know... 369 00:20:10,466 --> 00:20:12,696 Personality aside, what are you saying? 370 00:20:12,768 --> 00:20:14,167 You know exactly what I'm saying. 371 00:20:14,237 --> 00:20:16,899 - The dude is half man. - You would fuck a horse. 372 00:20:16,973 --> 00:20:20,306 Half, no. Half man, half horse. 373 00:20:20,376 --> 00:20:22,606 - So you're saying you want to have sex - The important half... 374 00:20:22,678 --> 00:20:24,543 - with a... ...is a, is the horse half, 375 00:20:24,614 --> 00:20:26,445 but then you have a man connected in there too. 376 00:20:26,515 --> 00:20:30,212 - That's all I'm saying. - Dude, that is the craziest, sickest shit 377 00:20:30,286 --> 00:20:33,346 - you've ever said in your fucking life. - I'm talking about a mythological creature. 378 00:20:33,422 --> 00:20:37,358 Dude, you could've said, "I would have sex with a female centaur," 379 00:20:37,426 --> 00:20:38,984 - and just left... - I wouldn't. I wouldn't have sex 380 00:20:39,061 --> 00:20:41,393 - with a female centaur. - But you would have sex 381 00:20:41,464 --> 00:20:42,453 with a male centaur. 382 00:20:42,531 --> 00:20:45,762 If I, perhaps if I was a woman and I had that... 383 00:20:45,835 --> 00:20:48,736 - Didn't you see Fantasia? - Yeah. 384 00:20:48,804 --> 00:20:52,035 - Those female centaurs was hot. - Oh, my God. 385 00:20:52,108 --> 00:20:53,507 - I... - But, okay, no, I got you. 386 00:20:53,576 --> 00:20:55,043 - No, but I'm just saying... - You would rather have sex 387 00:20:55,111 --> 00:20:57,579 - with a male centaur than a female centaur. - Not me. 388 00:20:57,647 --> 00:20:59,706 I'm gonna do my one line here 389 00:20:59,782 --> 00:21:01,511 MAN: Oh, yeah. 390 00:21:05,454 --> 00:21:09,083 (GROANING) 391 00:21:10,393 --> 00:21:11,451 (LAUGHS) 392 00:21:14,997 --> 00:21:16,396 (WAILING) 29213

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