All language subtitles for Key and Peele S04E01 Alien Imposters 1080p WEB-DL AAC2 0 H 264-BTN.eng

(ALARM BLARING)

- KEY: Here!
- (TIRES SCREECHING)

Shit.

What are you doing? Come on.

I'm coming.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

- Stay where you are.
- What are you doing?

Stop! Thank you.

You're not unlocking it!

We're doing it at the same time,
is the problem.

Unlock the door!

No.

- Now.
- PEELE: Fuck.

Stop touching it while I do the lock!

- What do you want me to do?
- Just do it now.

- Are you...
- Unbelievable!

- Kidding me?
- Stop it and reset.

- Put it down.
- I'm just holding it.

- Take your hand off the thing!
- It is on the thing.

I got to reset the thing. Look, look at this.

Huh? Huh?
Nothing happens if you're holding it up.

Everybody knows not to do that,

'cause now it's all jiggered in the middle.

It got all jiggered in the middle now!

- Stop.
- Ahhh! What?

Take your hand away
from the door completely.

Thank you.

Oh, that's rich!

- You are gonna get...
- Drop your weapon.

What happened? What happened, though?

What happened? I don't know what happened.

Crazy crazy

Does is crazy

Make up for adjustment

You jammin' on the verse

First one's planned that you want to do

All I want

But I don't need you

PEELE: I'll throw out a topic.

KEY: You're gonna throw out a topic?
PEELE: Have you seen an alien?

KEY: Have I seen an alien?

I did see...

"No" is a perfectly fine answer for the...

I did... Okay, well, here's the thing.

Can there be subterranean aliens?
That can't be right.

'Cause they have to come from space.

Story, please.

When I was a kid, I saw a, um...

I was in Canada with my friends,
and there was... We were...

There was a hole in the backyard
of this one guy's house

that we were hanging out at,
and the hole was like... It was...

There was a fissure like this in the ground,
and there was a heap of dirt in the middle,

and the heap of dirt was like scoot,
scoot, scoot.

It just went like that. And we ran away.

- How big?
- I mean, like... I can't.

Hold on, like, like this.

You're talking about a hedgehog and shit.

How did you go from alien, to telling me
a story about a fucking hedgehog?

We never saw it, so who knows...

He said, "Subterranean aliens."

Come on, Jack.

(SPACESHIP ENGINES ROAR)

Wait, wait.

We got to be careful here.

This place is crawling with 'em.

- What was that?
- What?

Cover me.

Guys! Hey, guys!

Hey, guys. Oh, thank God.

Hey, we started a community of survivors.

Y'all come live with us.

Wait. How did you know?

Come on.

Redneck wants us to move
into his community? Us?

Let's go.

Guys, over here!

Oh, thank God there are others!

Would you let me date your daughter?

Of course!

WOMAN: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Ahhh! Please don't hurt me!

Uh, my best friend is black and I love Jay-Z,

and, uh, my favorite movie is
Think Like a Man.

- She's good.
- Come with us.

- Okay.
- KEY: Stay close.

- Okay.
- What's your name?

- Emily.
- BOTH: Of course it is.

Hey, hey, hey! Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

What do you think about the police?

Well, I love their third album.

(SCREAMING)

(STAMMERING) I don't have any money!
No money!

(SCREAMING)

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Thank God you guys showed up.

I got to get out of here.

It's a silver Lexus. Just pull it right up front,

and don't scuff the paint, all right?
I just had it buffed.

- Was he an alien, too?
- Yep.

KEY: Gave up my girlfriend
and my family.

ALL: Gave up my girlfriend
and my family.

KEY: Traded 'em in for an M-16.

ALL: Traded 'em in for an M-16.

Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen, Iraq.

ALL: Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen, Iraq.

I don't care if I ever come back.

ALL: I don't care if I ever come back.

From poor families, how far we roam.

ALL: From poor families, how far we roam.

So the rich kids can just stay at home.

ALL: So the rich kids can just stay at home.

When I come home with PTSD...

ALL: When I come home with PTSD...

...the VA hospital won't care for me.

ALL: The VA hospital won't care for me.

I'll probably end up homeless out in the dark.

ALL: I'll probably end up
homeless out in the dark.

To get played onscreen by Marky-Mark.

What?

PEELE: I'm way less homophobic than you.

KEY: Okay, that's all well and good.

I don't agree.

I will give a backrub to a gay man,

and we're both naked.

That's how non-homophobic I am.

Dude, I would put

parts of my body

maybe into another gay man's body.

I mean, into a gay man's body,
not another gay man's body.

Into a gay man's body, and I would be like,
"Hey, this is therapeutic."

If I were a doctor, and you were gay

and you needed a prostate exam,
no problem here.

- Okay, but you see what...
- That's about overall health.

That's not about me trying to stimulate...

No, you engaged in gay sex in that scenario.

I said a part of my body.
I didn't say my penis, necessarily.

Insertion is insertion.

KEY: No, there are
different degrees of insertion.

Welcome, Johnson family.

Now, we all know why we're here.

Cousin Delroy's getting married.

ALL: Mmm-hmm.

To a man.

- Which is crazy.
- Mmm-hmm.

And we're in support, and, uh,
we just need a little help

with the particulars of a gay wedding.

What I've done is I took the,

uh, initiative to get my friend Gary in here,

who's... I mean, he's not really my friend.

He's a coworker of mine who happens

to be a active member
of the homosexual community,

and he's gonna give us
some advice on what...

You know, what, what to do.

So, Gary, what, what can,
what can we expect?

Well, um, first of all, guys,

thanks so much for having me here,

and, uh, I think it's really amazing

what you guys are doing
for your cousin Delroy.

Um, really, I just wanted to say, basically,
that a gay wedding

is just like a straight wedding.

Yes? Yes, sir.

So then do the men wear dresses and then
the women would wear suits?

Um, no. No, no, no.

You would just where exactly what
you would wear at a straight wedding.

ALL: Oh.

Now, none of us are gay, so I assume

that we would all sit then,
in the straight section.

- The straight section?
- Yeah.

Oh, the straight section.
He means as opposed to the gay section.

No, no, there's, there's no sections, guys.

- But the gay people...
- No, no, no.

- You would just sit...
...and then the straight?

No, Larry, Larry, listen to me
just for a second.

- But then the aisle.
- You would just...

You would just sit on the side of the person

that were friends with,
or that your family's members,

just like in a straight wedding.

So we just guess who's gay?

Or not. You could just... Yeah.

- We'll guess who's gay.
- Okay. Guess who...

When in the ceremony do we sing,
"Over The Rainbow?"

Well, you don't. You don't. You don't.

This is a religious ceremony, so you wouldn't
be singing that during the service.

- Oh, all right.
- You done with the questions?

No, I'm just asking.

I'm nervous 'cause I can only do jazz hands

for about three minutes 'fore
my hands start to cramp.

Oh, sir, I don't think
anyone's gonna expect you...

I don't think any...
I don't think anyone's gonna

expect you to have to do jazz hands.

Now, can we see the pony show
from the straight section?

Or are we way in the back somewhere?

Ma'am, again, there's no straight section.
What is a pony show?

You know, when y'all go like this.

No, there won't be...

There won't be any of this
during the ceremony.

Oh. Oh.

When do we sing, "YMCA?"

- Oh.
- Sir, not during the ceremony.

Okay.

- What about, "Macho, Macho Man?"
- Nope.

I don't know where to buy no gay presents.

Well, I don't know what a gay present is.

Um, usually, what couples do is they just,

they just register at a store...

- Huh.
...like a straight couple would.

- The gay store, or...
- Just a regular store.

Where do you get the Euros to buy gay gifts?

Are you saying Euros?

You wouldn't, you wouldn't use Euros.

LARRY: No, it's, it's,
it's a good question, Finney.

We, we should make some eye contact

so we make sure that
the communication's happening.

- Yeah.
- I think he wants to know

is it, like, you know, a different currency?

Or is it more like camel cash?

Nope, just good,
old-fashioned U.S. Dollars, yep.

Do we have to participate in the anal sex?

- Oh!
- Or can we just watch

and cheer in a firemen's hat?

No, there's no anal sex and no fireman's hat.

- Oh, okay.
- It's cunnilingus.

GARY: Is that a question, sir?

When do we get to sing, "It's Raining Men,"

- Hallelujah, it's raining men?
- You don't.

So there's no gay hymns in the ceremony?

Sir, there's no such thing as a gay hymn.

- What?
- Well, does the fake priest

look like a real priest or like a nun?

- It's gonna be a real priest.
- Or...

No, there's no, "Or."

Is it a sexy boat captain,
then he takes his clothes off?

- ALL: Oh!
- What? No. No.

Do we throw something other than rice?

Like what, sir?
What would you throw other than rice?

I don't know. I don't know.
Couscous. Skittles.

Guys, a gay wedding is just
like a straight wedding, okay?

It's exactly the same.

Well, when they kiss,
is it okay to stand up and say, "Ew?"

No, it's not because it would be,
that would be homophobic.

This from the man who won't allow
gay hymns at the gay wedding.

Okay, but like a involuntary gasp.

I would just, I guess, try to curb that behavior.

Okay. I'II, I'll look away then.

- Oh, my God.
- Now, is RuPaul gonna be there?

No, I don't think Delroy knows RuPaul.

- Uh, Neil Patrick Harry?
- No.

Ooh, Doogie.

What if you don't want
your picture on the internet?

- This is ridiculous!
- Excuse me, Gary.

"Ridiculous." Is that a gay term?

Okay, yep. I'll show myself out.

- Oh, he's a little testy, isn't he?
- Nah, he can go.

- We just trying to find out how it go.
- Good luck. Let's go, Stefan.

Well, I think we pretty much got it.

Thank you, and may God bless America.

(APPLAUSE)

- All right.
- Right this way.

Couple introductions
and we'll get you out of here.

- This is John O'Rourke.
- Nice to meet you, John.

- BODYGUARD: Mr. Lan Roberts.
- Nice to meet you.

- BODYGUARD: Peter Atencio.
- All right, nice to meet you.

BODYGUARD: Jerome Smith.

Come on, brother. What's up, fam?

(CHUCKLING) You know this.

- BODYGUARD: Heath Williamson.
- Nice to meet you.

- BODYGUARD: Mary Woodbury.
- Nice to meet you.

- BODYGUARD: Jay Martel.
- Nice to meet you, sir.

- BODYGUARD: Tasha Robins.
- Come on, come on, come on.

(CHUCKLING) Mmm!

- Feel that?
- BODYGUARD: Emily George.

All right...

- Nice to meet you.
- BODYGUARD: Darrell Stokes.

Come on. What's up, fam?

- How you doin'?
- All right.

Never forget about that,
'cause that's all we got.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. All right.

- Oh, bring it in, bring it in!
- (LAUGHING)

- Started from the bottom, now we here.
- Yeah!

Nice to meet you. All right.

Nice to meet you. All right.

Nice to...

(WHISPERS) 1l8th black.

Afternoon, my octoroon.

Come on, bring it in there. Tuck that.

I'm in there, dog. I'm in there, dog.

- You tucking it in there?
- I'm in there, dog.

- Let your tuck go.
- I'm in there, dog.

- Let your tuck go. You tucking it?
- I'm in there, dog.

- Tuck right here.
- I'm in there.

I'm in there. I'm in there.

All right. Nice to meet you, man.
Uh, nice to meet you.

Oh, my goodness, look at this.

Oh, she is so beautiful.

Mmm! I want another one.

There you go. Precious, beautiful. Beautiful.
What's her name?

- This is Livia Roogey.
- Okay.

Nice to meet you, Ms. Roogey.

All right.

Come on! There he is.

Boom!

- Mr. President.
- All right, man.

Good to meet you.

Here we go. Right this way, sir.

KEY: (SINGING) I'm trying to get
the air on and turn off these lights

PEELE: We need to be going country.

We need to be going country.
We need to get some...

- Country music?
- Yeah.

(SINGING) We need to get some
hip, tickin', ruckin', tuckin', runt

Like some stadium country, too.

- We're talking about...
- You said, "Ruckin', tuckin'."

- You managed to say, "Ruckin, tuckin'."
- But I want to get...

(SINGING) You got to get your ruck, tuckin'

pipe-riggin' country music

You know what I'm talking about?

(SINGING) That line-dancin'
right and prancin'

Love to drinkin'

I love when they talk about...

(SINGING) And the lord Jesus

saved my grand... My mamaw's life

- (LAUGHS)
- Then talking about...

Then talk about the next song,
talking about...

(SINGING) You gotta drink, drink

(LAUGHTER)

(SIGHS)

- Well.
- Oh, well, well, well.

Fucking Mexicans.

Oh, man, do not get me started
on the Mexicans.

Hey, I was just saying.

They hold the God damn economy together.

You know what, man? Damn straight.

If 12% of the Mexicans that live in this country
stopped working, just 12%,

the U.S.A. Would shut down.

I don't even care who hears me.

- Nope.
- (STAMMERS) They work

- their asses off...
- Mmm-hmm.

...and they got strong family values.

Essential immigrants.

Hey, speaking of immigrants,
how about them Asians?

Man, fuck, you know what, brother?

You want to light that fuse?

Then you better stand back
'cause I got something

I want to say about those motherfuckers.

Yeah, I got three words for you,

estudious, hardworking, industrious.

Damn straight.

Asians are the highest income, best educated,

and the fastest growing
racial group in the U.S. Of A.

Mmm. Plus, got the highest percentage

of college graduates in the country,
good for them.

And I... Maybe this makes me sound racist,

but those motherfuckers,
they're gonna save the country.

There it is. You, you went and said it.

I just said it.
I just came right the fuck out and said it.

It was in everyone's mind.

- But I'm the one...
- BOTH: Who said it.

Hey, and you know what?

While we're at it, I'm gonna break my spine,

tip-tap, dancing-wancing,

prancing around the elephant in the room.

- Blacks.
- Yep. Fucking blacks.

- Blacks.
- Fucking blacks.

You know what you done, done did?

You opened up the floodgates now, my friend.

Released the kraken.

God damn victims of institutionalized
"Race-misme."

And despite all that,
they overcame the slavery

and the segregation just to become CEOs

and entrepreneurs.

And hey, one of 'em
is the gosh-darn president.

And, I mean, that's just true right there.
That's just historical fact, man.

You can't even argue that.

Oh, how 'bout the Indians?

Fucking Native Americans.

I don't know if I could get in trouble

these days for sayin' something like this,

but they were here first.

It may be unpopular, but it's true.

We came to this country, and we steamrolled
on in, and we genocided them.

I mean, hell, we owe 'em something.

There you go.

I got to tell you, man,
that's not bad for a non-alcoholic beer.

- Not bad at all.
- All right.

I got to go home, take care of my kids.

How many of 'em you got now?

- Just adopted the 11th.
- Oh!

Can't help myself.

Man, that's always what happens
when you volunteer

for the earthquake relief in Haiti.

- Yep, yep, yep.
- And what you gon' do?

What you gon' do?

You know, my wife makes 2l3 of what I make.

KEY: What? Y'all got the same job, man.

That's just patently unfair.

That's right. We're both librarians.

(BELCHES)

PEELE: You all right?
KEY: I'm okay.

(SINGING) Whoa, Whoa

You're a superstar

Yeah, what everybody's waiting for
is what you are

Whoa, whoa

Hey, what up, y'all? Welcome back to HCL.

We are in Hollywood. I got the answers,

and the answers this morning
is Mother Majesty.

Thank you for being here, Mother Majesty.

Thank you for having me.

- (CHEERING)
- Yeah.

Now, before the break,
we heard your song, uh,

"She-nomenon," from the new hit album,
Girl Army.

- Oh, yeah, that's right.
- Yeah.

Well, thank you so much, Scratch.

You know, this whole album is about girls
and empowering girls and, you know,

kind ofjust showing girls that
they can be strong and powerful

and do what they want to do, and not

what the media says they need to do.

All right. All right. That's deep. That's deep.

Now we got some, uh, young females here
who have some questions for you.

- Is that okay?
- Oh, it's always okay.

- All right.
- It's always okay.

I always want to hear from my girl army.

Hi, Majesty, it is so cool to meet you.

Thank you so much.
I think you're beautiful just like that.

Um, yeah.

So, okay, last week, I took your advice
from your song, "Get Some,"

and I, "Flaunted it till he wanted it,"

but I ended up losing my virginity
to a guy that I don't know.

You see, it is time for girls
to take back their power

nowadays 'cause it's your body
and it's your mind,

and it, you should use that
to feel sexy and empowered.

(CHEERING)

Okay. Okay, yeah, yeah, but now I'm pregnant.

Miracles. Next question.

Hi. Hi, Majesty. I'm Cassie.
I think your album rocks.

Thank you so much, Cassie.
I think you should never change your skin.

Okay.

So in your song, "Friday Night Freak Down..."

Thank you so much, Cassie.

You say, "Bend it over, touch the ground,
he'll ride you like his merry-go-round."

Yes, I do.

Is that about butt sex?

What it's about, Cassie,
is us reclaiming our bodies as women

because, you know, for a long time,
being sexy was about being sexy for a man.

But this is about being sexy for yourself.

- Whoo!
- But I've got herpes in my butt.

Okay, let's

change tracks for a second.

We gon' go to commercial.

When we come back, Mother Majesty
is going to unfurl her new song.

- What is it about?
- Oh, okay.

It's a... It's kind of a love song,

and it's about finding strength
after having your heart broken.

All right. We gon' go to commercial.
When we come back, Mother Majesty

with, "Who Got Next on this Blackberry Pie?"

(CROWD CHEERING)

Here's your dressing room, Your Majesty.

- Thank you so much.
- Yeah.

(SIGHS)

That's right, girls.

Being overly sexual and being
strong are the same thing.

It's the same thing.

(LAUGHS) It's the same thing.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Girl power!

(COUGHING)

God, I think I'm allergic to this makeup.

(COUGHING)

(BELCHES) Now, why would I burp?

That's weird.

(BOTH MIMIC DUBSTEP MUSIC)

(MIMICS ASCENDING NOTE)

Let's get ready to break down.

(BOTH MIMIC DUBSTEP MUSIC)

KEY: So I know what that is.
PEELE: Yeah.

KEY: I know what that is.

(SINGING) I'm gonna do my one line here

MAN: Oh, yeah.

OFFICER: Let's go.

You're going away for a long time, pal.

Jimenez, unlock the thing.

No, you can't do it at the same time.

Just press the button.