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1
00:00:01,938 --> 00:00:03,638
Okay, that's the least
of my worries
2
00:00:03,768 --> 00:00:05,488
in episodes I, II, and III,
by the way.
3
00:00:05,518 --> 00:00:06,958
Oh, you're talking
about George Lucas
4
00:00:06,988 --> 00:00:09,478
and how he's been completely
seduced by CGI.
5
00:00:09,528 --> 00:00:10,928
Oh, [bleep]!
6
00:00:11,138 --> 00:00:12,908
- Paint?
- This is a new shirt.
7
00:00:12,928 --> 00:00:14,168
- Are you kidding me?
- Damn!
8
00:00:14,198 --> 00:00:16,768
- Damn.
- Oh, God--
9
00:00:16,798 --> 00:00:18,528
- That sucks.
- This is so--
10
00:00:18,568 --> 00:00:19,798
Look at this.
11
00:00:20,968 --> 00:00:22,498
It's like I got
two little paint titties
12
00:00:22,538 --> 00:00:23,508
on my shirt now.
13
00:00:30,138 --> 00:00:31,238
What are you looking at?
14
00:00:31,278 --> 00:00:32,508
Hmm?
15
00:00:32,548 --> 00:00:33,778
What?
16
00:00:35,108 --> 00:00:36,178
Dude, my eyes are up here.
17
00:00:36,208 --> 00:00:37,248
Yeah.
18
00:00:37,278 --> 00:00:40,748
Eyes.
19
00:00:40,778 --> 00:00:41,748
Wha--
20
00:00:41,838 --> 00:00:43,348
Dude, what are you doing?
21
00:00:43,388 --> 00:00:45,648
It's paint.
What are you doing?
22
00:00:45,688 --> 00:00:48,118
Come on, we've had a good time
today, haven't we?
23
00:00:48,158 --> 00:00:50,788
You know?
We hung out the whole day.
24
00:00:50,828 --> 00:00:52,128
It's paint!
25
00:00:52,158 --> 00:00:54,158
Paint!
It comes off. see?
26
00:00:54,198 --> 00:00:56,128
- See how that comes off, huh?
- Yeah.
27
00:00:56,168 --> 00:00:58,298
Yeah. Yes.
28
00:00:58,338 --> 00:01:01,138
Oh, dude, stop it.
Just stop it.
29
00:01:01,168 --> 00:01:02,238
You want me to stop it,
30
00:01:02,268 --> 00:01:03,968
then stop licking
your little titties.
31
00:01:04,008 --> 00:01:05,768
They're not real titties.
32
00:01:05,808 --> 00:01:06,768
- What?
- Oh--
33
00:01:07,808 --> 00:01:10,208
- Really? Twice?
- Unbelievable.
34
00:01:10,418 --> 00:01:11,478
Hello, ladies.
35
00:01:16,548 --> 00:01:18,618
Yeah.
36
00:01:42,008 --> 00:01:45,208
Whoa!
37
00:01:45,238 --> 00:01:46,338
Thank you!
38
00:01:46,378 --> 00:01:49,048
- All right.
- Thank you.
39
00:01:49,328 --> 00:01:51,128
Good evening.
I am Keegan-Michael Key.
40
00:01:51,158 --> 00:01:52,928
- I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.
41
00:01:52,968 --> 00:01:57,568
Thank you for coming out.
42
00:01:57,598 --> 00:02:00,798
There is a real-life dude
Named Silverberry Mouhon.
43
00:02:04,438 --> 00:02:08,338
Silverberry
is his first name.
44
00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:09,648
Like, his mom just watched
45
00:02:09,678 --> 00:02:11,148
Willy Wonka
and the Chocolate Factory--
46
00:02:14,878 --> 00:02:16,788
Have you been paying attention
to players' names?
47
00:02:16,818 --> 00:02:19,188
- Real life beat us this year.
- Yeah.
48
00:02:19,218 --> 00:02:22,388
You guys know this guy
from L.S.U., right?
49
00:02:22,428 --> 00:02:23,458
Barkevious Mingo.
50
00:02:23,488 --> 00:02:25,758
That's a real dude.
51
00:02:25,798 --> 00:02:26,758
And I don't if you know this,
52
00:02:26,798 --> 00:02:29,298
but Barkevious Mingo has
a brother
53
00:02:29,328 --> 00:02:33,368
by the name
of Hughtavious Mingo.
54
00:02:33,398 --> 00:02:35,168
You know what
the most ridiculous one?
55
00:02:35,208 --> 00:02:36,868
There's a dude named
56
00:02:36,908 --> 00:02:41,008
Wonderful Terrific Monds II.
57
00:02:41,048 --> 00:02:43,348
- No.
- That's a real dude, Keegan.
58
00:02:43,378 --> 00:02:45,118
- That's a real dude.
- What?
59
00:02:47,248 --> 00:02:50,018
I'm Dave Sasson
alongside Jeff Worthing,
60
00:02:50,048 --> 00:02:53,488
and welcome to the 2013
East/West Bowl,
61
00:02:53,518 --> 00:02:54,858
Where we're going
to be watching
62
00:02:54,888 --> 00:02:57,228
some of the best college
athletes in the nation
63
00:02:57,258 --> 00:03:00,258
try to put last year's
spectacle to shame.
64
00:03:00,298 --> 00:03:01,398
That's right, Dave.
65
00:03:01,428 --> 00:03:02,698
It won't be easy,
66
00:03:02,728 --> 00:03:05,638
but this year's seniors
certainly will be trying
67
00:03:05,668 --> 00:03:08,568
to give last year's stars
a run for their money.
68
00:03:08,608 --> 00:03:09,808
Let's check out the teams,
69
00:03:09,838 --> 00:03:12,008
starting with the players
from the East.
70
00:03:17,078 --> 00:03:20,248
Coznesster Smiff,
Rutgers University.
71
00:03:20,278 --> 00:03:23,888
Elipses Corter,
University of Alabama.
72
00:03:23,918 --> 00:03:27,658
Nyquillus Dillwad, LSU.
73
00:03:27,688 --> 00:03:31,888
Bismo Funyuns,
Florida State University.
74
00:03:31,928 --> 00:03:34,828
Decatholac Mango,
Georgia Tech University.
75
00:03:34,858 --> 00:03:39,098
Mergatroid Skittle,
University of Louisville.
76
00:03:39,128 --> 00:03:42,538
Quiznatodd Bidness,
University of Tennessee.
77
00:03:42,568 --> 00:03:46,008
D'pez Poopsie, Ole Miss.
78
00:03:46,038 --> 00:03:49,208
Quackadilly Blip,
Auburn University.
79
00:03:49,238 --> 00:03:52,748
Goolius Boozler, the "U."
80
00:03:52,778 --> 00:03:56,018
Bisquiteen Trisket,
University of Michigan.
81
00:03:56,048 --> 00:04:00,218
Fartrell Cluggins,
University of Arkansas.
82
00:04:00,258 --> 00:04:04,358
Blyrone Blashinton,
Syracuse.
83
00:04:04,388 --> 00:04:07,658
Cartoons Plural,
Virginia Tech.
84
00:04:07,698 --> 00:04:10,028
Jammie Jammie-Jammie,
85
00:04:10,068 --> 00:04:12,218
the Ohio State University.
86
00:04:13,028 --> 00:04:14,818
Fudge.
87
00:04:17,468 --> 00:04:19,438
Some of the big stories
this year--
88
00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:22,808
The meteoric rise
of D'pez Poopsie,
89
00:04:22,838 --> 00:04:25,248
and let's not forget
about Heisman winner
90
00:04:25,278 --> 00:04:26,618
Jammie Jammie-Jammie.
91
00:04:26,648 --> 00:04:29,148
And remember, you can't talk
about 2013
92
00:04:29,188 --> 00:04:30,788
without bringing up Fudge.
93
00:04:30,818 --> 00:04:32,488
Everybody's talking
about Fudge.
94
00:04:32,518 --> 00:04:34,618
At 350 pounds,
this running back
95
00:04:34,658 --> 00:04:36,928
is almost unstoppable
the whole year.
96
00:04:36,958 --> 00:04:39,328
You're right. I could talk
about Fudge all day.
97
00:04:39,358 --> 00:04:41,898
But first, let's meet
the players from the West.
98
00:04:47,538 --> 00:04:51,208
Equine Ducklings,
Indiana University,
99
00:04:51,238 --> 00:04:53,208
Purdue University,
Indianapolis.
100
00:04:53,358 --> 00:04:55,278
Dahistorius Lamystorius,
101
00:04:55,288 --> 00:04:57,288
Utah State University.
102
00:04:57,718 --> 00:05:01,078
Ewokoniad Sigourneth Juniorstein,
103
00:05:01,118 --> 00:05:03,118
Oklahoma State University.
104
00:05:03,288 --> 00:05:05,418
Eqqsquizitine Buble-Schwinslow,
105
00:05:05,458 --> 00:05:07,188
University of Nebraska.
106
00:05:07,458 --> 00:05:10,688
Huka'Lakanaka
Hakanakaheekalucka'Hukahakafaka,
107
00:05:10,728 --> 00:05:12,358
University of Hawaii.
108
00:05:12,568 --> 00:05:16,168
King Prince Chambermaid,
Baylor University.
109
00:05:16,368 --> 00:05:20,798
Ladennifer Jadaniston,
University of Colorado.
110
00:05:20,838 --> 00:05:25,208
Ladadadaladadadadada
Dala-Dadaladaladalada,
111
00:05:25,238 --> 00:05:26,778
University of Arizona.
112
00:05:26,808 --> 00:05:28,658
Harvard University,
113
00:05:30,208 --> 00:05:31,808
DeVry University.
114
00:05:36,818 --> 00:05:40,058
Army, Navy Surplus Store.
115
00:05:40,088 --> 00:05:43,658
Wingdings,
online classes.
116
00:05:43,688 --> 00:05:45,728
Firstname Lastname,
117
00:05:45,758 --> 00:05:47,298
College University.
118
00:05:47,598 --> 00:05:50,768
God,
homeschooled.
119
00:05:50,988 --> 00:05:53,118
Squeeeeeeeeeps,
120
00:05:53,388 --> 00:05:54,948
Santa Monica College.
121
00:05:55,448 --> 00:05:57,708
Benedict Cumberbatch,
122
00:05:57,738 --> 00:05:59,678
Oxford University.
123
00:06:00,078 --> 00:06:03,078
A.A. Ron Balakay,
Morehouse College.
124
00:06:18,998 --> 00:06:20,098
Latrell?
125
00:06:20,128 --> 00:06:21,528
What's up, baby girl?
126
00:06:21,568 --> 00:06:23,898
Can you please turn
that off?
127
00:06:23,928 --> 00:06:26,538
- Why, you don't like my music?
- Is it music?
128
00:06:26,568 --> 00:06:28,938
Because it sounds like a bunch
of sex noises
129
00:06:28,968 --> 00:06:30,868
over a bass line.
130
00:06:30,908 --> 00:06:32,368
Oh.
131
00:06:32,408 --> 00:06:33,608
I get it.
132
00:06:33,638 --> 00:06:35,238
You don't like my music
'cause I'm gay.
133
00:06:35,278 --> 00:06:38,378
You can't handle
a gay man's music.
134
00:06:38,408 --> 00:06:39,408
No, no, no.
135
00:06:39,448 --> 00:06:40,778
It's-- I'm trying to work here,
136
00:06:40,818 --> 00:06:42,848
and that music
is weirdly sexual.
137
00:06:42,878 --> 00:06:44,948
Oh, I see.
138
00:06:44,988 --> 00:06:48,418
So my sexuality is weird.
139
00:06:48,458 --> 00:06:51,688
You just can't fathom a man
being attracted
140
00:06:51,728 --> 00:06:53,958
to another man.
141
00:06:53,998 --> 00:06:56,058
I can fathom it.
It's--
142
00:06:56,098 --> 00:06:58,068
Can you just please listen
to some other gay music,
143
00:06:58,098 --> 00:06:59,368
like Barbra Streisand
or something--
144
00:06:59,398 --> 00:07:01,028
Oh, I see, I see.
Okay.
145
00:07:01,068 --> 00:07:05,708
So listening
to Barbra Streisand is gay.
146
00:07:05,738 --> 00:07:08,738
Stereotype much?
147
00:07:12,278 --> 00:07:14,198
So you seeing
anybody lately?
148
00:07:16,448 --> 00:07:18,048
Yeah, I-I mean, kind of.
149
00:07:18,088 --> 00:07:19,218
I think--
150
00:07:19,248 --> 00:07:21,318
'cause I got it good
last night.
151
00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:24,728
Oh, it was like, damn!
I mean, my man was like, blop!
152
00:07:24,758 --> 00:07:28,228
Like, he had a baby arm holding
on to a apple.
153
00:07:28,258 --> 00:07:31,328
Aw, don't call it
a baby arm.
154
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:32,998
Aw.
155
00:07:33,028 --> 00:07:34,528
I see.
156
00:07:34,568 --> 00:07:37,198
So you can't handle hearing
about how I'm gay.
157
00:07:37,238 --> 00:07:39,108
I'm sorry.
158
00:07:39,138 --> 00:07:41,538
You just referred
to your boyfriend's penis
159
00:07:41,578 --> 00:07:44,408
as a baby's arm
holding an apple.
160
00:07:44,448 --> 00:07:45,878
Well, that's what
it looked like.
161
00:07:45,908 --> 00:07:47,548
And it's not my boyfriend,
by the way.
162
00:07:47,578 --> 00:07:51,818
And "anywhats,"
you're homophobic.
163
00:07:51,848 --> 00:07:54,818
No, no, no.
That's not homophobic, okay?
164
00:07:54,858 --> 00:07:57,928
You're explicitly talking
about sexual things
165
00:07:57,958 --> 00:08:00,028
in the workplace.
166
00:08:00,058 --> 00:08:01,288
Fine.
167
00:08:01,328 --> 00:08:03,598
There's plenty of stuff
that we can talk about.
168
00:08:03,628 --> 00:08:07,028
You know, uh, my penis cup,
169
00:08:07,068 --> 00:08:09,968
my scrotum cozies that I have
been knitting recently--
170
00:08:09,998 --> 00:08:12,508
Oh, with these knitting needles
that I have just noticed
171
00:08:12,538 --> 00:08:15,068
look like little, skinny,
purple penises,
172
00:08:15,108 --> 00:08:16,838
et cetera and et cetera.
173
00:08:16,878 --> 00:08:18,308
Oh, my God.
174
00:08:18,348 --> 00:08:19,708
Can I show you a picture,
175
00:08:19,748 --> 00:08:22,078
and then you tell me
if it's good for Facebook?
176
00:08:22,118 --> 00:08:24,718
Okay, I'm fairly certain
you're going to show me
177
00:08:24,748 --> 00:08:26,118
something overtly sexual.
178
00:08:26,148 --> 00:08:27,948
Don't you prejudge me!
Here it is.
179
00:08:27,988 --> 00:08:29,718
Agh! [bleep]!
180
00:08:29,758 --> 00:08:31,988
That's a close-up
of an anus.
181
00:08:32,018 --> 00:08:34,688
Oh, no, that's not an anus.
182
00:08:34,728 --> 00:08:37,298
That's my anus, baby girl.
183
00:08:37,328 --> 00:08:40,028
- That's disgusting.
- Oh, I see.
184
00:08:40,068 --> 00:08:42,128
So you don't want to see
a close-up picture of my anus
185
00:08:42,168 --> 00:08:43,598
'cause you hate gay men.
186
00:08:43,638 --> 00:08:44,838
No.
187
00:08:44,868 --> 00:08:46,268
I don't want to look
at a close-up picture
188
00:08:46,308 --> 00:08:48,368
of anyone's anus.
189
00:08:48,408 --> 00:08:49,568
Homophobe.
190
00:08:49,608 --> 00:08:51,878
Homophobe.
There's a homophobe right here.
191
00:08:51,908 --> 00:08:53,608
Ho--
192
00:08:53,638 --> 00:08:54,838
Homophobe alert!
193
00:08:54,878 --> 00:08:56,448
Homophobe!
194
00:08:59,648 --> 00:09:01,678
Hey.
195
00:09:01,718 --> 00:09:02,888
Hey, baby.
How's it going?
196
00:09:02,918 --> 00:09:05,048
Good.
Ready to go to lunch?
197
00:09:05,088 --> 00:09:06,318
Yeah.
198
00:09:06,358 --> 00:09:08,118
Uh, Latrell, this is Gavin.
199
00:09:08,158 --> 00:09:10,058
Gavin, this is Latrell.
This is my boyfriend.
200
00:09:10,088 --> 00:09:11,288
How you doing?
201
00:09:11,328 --> 00:09:13,128
I'm-- I'm--
I'm doing very well.
202
00:09:13,158 --> 00:09:15,898
How-- How are you doing,
Gavin-- Gavin?
203
00:09:15,928 --> 00:09:17,528
- Great. Want to go?
- Yeah.
204
00:09:17,568 --> 00:09:18,738
Nice to meet you.
205
00:09:18,768 --> 00:09:19,898
No, trust me.
It's not.
206
00:09:19,938 --> 00:09:21,398
- No?
- That's the guy.
207
00:09:21,438 --> 00:09:22,408
Oh.
208
00:09:22,438 --> 00:09:24,938
Oh...
I get it.
209
00:09:24,978 --> 00:09:27,248
I'm not persecuted.
I'm just a ass[bleep].
210
00:09:29,048 --> 00:09:30,878
Ah.
211
00:09:36,985 --> 00:09:39,315
Something that fascinates us
to no end
212
00:09:39,355 --> 00:09:40,415
are religious cults.
213
00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:41,755
Mm-hmm.
214
00:09:41,785 --> 00:09:43,275
They're crazy,
because that's job security
215
00:09:43,305 --> 00:09:44,205
for the leader...
216
00:09:44,325 --> 00:09:45,425
- Yes.
- No matter what.
217
00:09:45,455 --> 00:09:46,525
That's the best job
in the world.
218
00:09:46,565 --> 00:09:48,095
You make up all the rules
as you go,
219
00:09:48,125 --> 00:09:49,425
lots of ladies.
220
00:09:49,465 --> 00:09:52,795
"The Lord has declared
I get a backrub at 2:00."
221
00:09:52,835 --> 00:09:54,435
- All right.
- That's--
222
00:09:54,465 --> 00:09:56,365
I just-- You can do
anything you want.
223
00:09:56,405 --> 00:09:59,735
"We will now pass around
the communion of lemonheads."
224
00:09:59,775 --> 00:10:00,805
That's not--
225
00:10:02,945 --> 00:10:04,245
My concern with cults--
226
00:10:04,275 --> 00:10:07,475
if your messiah looks
more like Jesus than Jesus...
227
00:10:07,515 --> 00:10:09,885
Mm-hmm.
228
00:10:09,915 --> 00:10:11,785
put on the brakes.
229
00:10:11,815 --> 00:10:15,285
If your messiah smells
more like Jesus
230
00:10:15,325 --> 00:10:18,655
than Jesus...
231
00:10:18,695 --> 00:10:21,865
If your messiah looks like
that man right there...
232
00:10:26,135 --> 00:10:27,405
Ohm.
233
00:10:32,075 --> 00:10:34,945
Rick Nicklesby reporting live
from a gruesome scene.
234
00:10:34,975 --> 00:10:38,315
A cult known as Q.E.T.,
or Quest for Eternal Truth,
235
00:10:38,345 --> 00:10:41,445
has apparently taken their
own lives in a mass suicide.
236
00:10:41,485 --> 00:10:44,485
Police confirm that
cyanide-laced cherry Kool-Aid
237
00:10:44,515 --> 00:10:45,955
was also on the premises.
238
00:10:46,055 --> 00:10:48,425
Excuse me. Hi.
Rick Nicklesby, Channel 6.
239
00:10:48,455 --> 00:10:50,155
Hi. Are you two
from the neighborhood?
240
00:10:50,195 --> 00:10:51,895
- Yes.
- No.
241
00:10:51,925 --> 00:10:53,425
- No.
- Yes.
242
00:10:55,795 --> 00:10:58,095
Okay, were you two members
of the cult that lived here?
243
00:10:58,135 --> 00:10:59,265
The cul-- What cult?
244
00:10:59,295 --> 00:11:00,605
- What?
- Was this a cult right here?
245
00:11:00,635 --> 00:11:01,935
- Cult?
- I had no idea this was a cult.
246
00:11:01,965 --> 00:11:02,965
- No way.
- A cult?
247
00:11:03,005 --> 00:11:04,105
Although I will say,
248
00:11:04,135 --> 00:11:05,635
the term "cult"
is a little judgmental.
249
00:11:05,675 --> 00:11:06,945
I would say
the same thing, yeah.
250
00:11:06,975 --> 00:11:08,305
- Not knowing the full doctrine.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
251
00:11:08,345 --> 00:11:09,905
Well, apparently,
they believed that there was
252
00:11:09,945 --> 00:11:11,745
a spaceship waiting for them
behind the Moon.
253
00:11:11,775 --> 00:11:14,245
Okay, well, you know,
that still is really possible.
254
00:11:14,285 --> 00:11:15,615
- Not completely crazy.
- It's possible, right?
255
00:11:15,645 --> 00:11:17,585
I mean, who knows what is
out there in the universe?
256
00:11:17,615 --> 00:11:18,955
Anything could be
behind the Moon.
257
00:11:18,985 --> 00:11:20,485
Okay, well, it appears
they killed themselves
258
00:11:20,525 --> 00:11:21,925
in order to board the ship.
259
00:11:21,955 --> 00:11:23,425
Right, and that's where
we disagreed with them,
260
00:11:23,455 --> 00:11:24,595
right there,
or would have--
261
00:11:24,625 --> 00:11:26,295
we would have disagreed
with them
262
00:11:26,325 --> 00:11:27,965
had we been there
on our departure day--
263
00:11:27,995 --> 00:11:30,065
their departure day.
Their departure day!
264
00:11:30,095 --> 00:11:31,065
- Yeah.
- Which is the day
265
00:11:31,095 --> 00:11:32,735
that they did this.
266
00:11:32,765 --> 00:11:34,205
I mean, that's what you
could call it,
267
00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:35,835
if you wanted to--
I ain't in no cult.
268
00:11:35,875 --> 00:11:38,675
No, I mean, what I always
wondered is how--
269
00:11:38,705 --> 00:11:40,275
or am starting to wonder,
270
00:11:40,305 --> 00:11:42,875
since you brought this
to our attention--
271
00:11:42,915 --> 00:11:45,015
Why-- if there was a spaceship
in the sky,
272
00:11:45,045 --> 00:11:47,585
why wouldn't it just
beam us up-- beam them up?
273
00:11:47,615 --> 00:11:49,685
Right, just beam 'em--
just beam them up.
274
00:11:49,715 --> 00:11:51,085
Why can't you just
beam them up alive?
275
00:11:51,125 --> 00:11:52,755
Why you got to be dead
to get beamed up?
276
00:11:52,785 --> 00:11:53,635
You know what I'm saying?
277
00:11:53,685 --> 00:11:54,985
I've been saying that
for weeks-- seconds.
278
00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:57,495
For seconds, 'cause--
because you, Rick Nicklesby,
279
00:11:57,525 --> 00:11:59,725
you told us that,
you know,
280
00:11:59,765 --> 00:12:01,135
and that's how I knew,
because--
281
00:12:01,165 --> 00:12:02,535
- 15 seconds ago.
- 15 seconds ago, you said it.
282
00:12:02,565 --> 00:12:04,405
I didn't know anything about it
until you said it,
283
00:12:04,435 --> 00:12:05,605
'cause I ain't in no cult.
284
00:12:05,635 --> 00:12:07,535
Okay, then why would someone
join a cult?
285
00:12:07,575 --> 00:12:09,605
- Compelling leadership.
- Charismatic leader.
286
00:12:09,635 --> 00:12:11,305
Like, a compelling--
287
00:12:11,345 --> 00:12:12,905
- Taco Tuesdays.
- A person--
288
00:12:12,945 --> 00:12:14,275
- Taco Tuesdays.
- Taco Tuesdays.
289
00:12:14,315 --> 00:12:15,375
I mean, hypothetically,
290
00:12:15,415 --> 00:12:16,745
they could have had tacos
on Tuesday,
291
00:12:16,785 --> 00:12:17,745
which would have been a draw.
292
00:12:17,785 --> 00:12:18,745
I mean, that would have been
a plus.
293
00:12:18,785 --> 00:12:21,215
Okay, so this is
a tragic day
294
00:12:21,255 --> 00:12:22,515
for this community
295
00:12:22,555 --> 00:12:25,655
and for the members
of the Quest for Earthly Truth.
296
00:12:25,685 --> 00:12:28,625
I'm Rick Nicklesby reporting--
297
00:12:28,655 --> 00:12:29,995
Whoa.
298
00:12:30,025 --> 00:12:31,025
- You see?
- Yep.
299
00:12:31,065 --> 00:12:32,465
- You see?
- Uh-huh.
300
00:12:32,495 --> 00:12:34,565
Everybody jumped the gun.
301
00:12:34,595 --> 00:12:37,935
We're ready!
302
00:12:43,537 --> 00:12:46,037
Jordan and I lived together.
We lived together.
303
00:12:46,067 --> 00:12:48,197
Who was your landlord when
we lived in that apartment?
304
00:12:48,237 --> 00:12:49,267
My landlord?
Um...
305
00:12:49,307 --> 00:12:50,560
Did you ever meet
your landlord?
306
00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:51,970
- Russian lady.
- Some Russian lady.
307
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,510
Some Russian lady.
Never saw her.
308
00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:56,670
But I love the way-- You always
say we were roommates for,
309
00:12:56,710 --> 00:12:59,388
uh, what, two months?
310
00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:01,022
About two months, yeah.
311
00:13:01,052 --> 00:13:03,263
We weren't roommates, though,
'cause I didn't get no rent.
312
00:13:05,222 --> 00:13:07,822
- Cleaning your bathroom...
- Yeah.
313
00:13:07,862 --> 00:13:09,562
is worth
about six months' rent.
314
00:13:09,592 --> 00:13:11,862
That's true.
315
00:13:14,232 --> 00:13:18,032
It's your landlord!
316
00:13:18,072 --> 00:13:19,832
Hey, Devon.
317
00:13:19,872 --> 00:13:21,872
Hey, how you doing, brother?
318
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:22,902
How you doing?
Yeah.
319
00:13:22,942 --> 00:13:25,942
Just, uh, stopping by.
320
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:29,612
Just wanted to check up
on everything.
321
00:13:31,312 --> 00:13:33,012
- Okay.
- Yeah-- Aha!
322
00:13:33,052 --> 00:13:36,182
You in here,
you little mother[bleep]?
323
00:13:36,222 --> 00:13:38,192
Nope.
324
00:13:38,222 --> 00:13:41,692
Closet look good.
325
00:13:41,722 --> 00:13:43,762
Door is strong.
326
00:13:43,792 --> 00:13:45,932
- So y'all settling in?
- Yeah.
327
00:13:45,962 --> 00:13:49,432
We've been living here
a year and a half, so we have.
328
00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:53,602
So, uh, how are these
cupboards working out for you?
329
00:13:53,632 --> 00:13:55,972
Man, nobody in here...
330
00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:57,772
besides your stuff,
which looks good.
331
00:13:57,802 --> 00:13:59,512
Thank you.
332
00:13:59,542 --> 00:14:01,612
Completely unrelated--
333
00:14:01,642 --> 00:14:05,442
Have y'all seen a 4'11" dude
with a purple beard up in here?
334
00:14:05,482 --> 00:14:06,582
No. No.
335
00:14:06,612 --> 00:14:09,052
No, no one's in here...
336
00:14:09,082 --> 00:14:11,382
probably because we lock
the door.
337
00:14:12,562 --> 00:14:15,712
Oh, he got the body
like a rat.
338
00:14:15,722 --> 00:14:18,522
He can just squeeze
through the vents.
339
00:14:18,562 --> 00:14:20,192
Yeah.
340
00:14:20,232 --> 00:14:22,232
So you think somebody's hiding
in my apartment?
341
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:23,262
No.
342
00:14:23,302 --> 00:14:25,032
I told you--
343
00:14:25,062 --> 00:14:26,632
It's just a social call.
344
00:14:26,672 --> 00:14:28,402
I mean, why would Gerald be
in here, anyway?
345
00:14:28,432 --> 00:14:29,702
Gerald.
346
00:14:29,742 --> 00:14:32,202
There is a man
with a purple beard
347
00:14:32,242 --> 00:14:34,272
named Gerald in my apartment?
348
00:14:34,312 --> 00:14:35,512
Hell, no!
349
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,542
Why?
Did you see him?
350
00:14:37,582 --> 00:14:39,212
He about 4'9",
got a purple beard.
351
00:14:39,252 --> 00:14:40,452
Yeah.
352
00:14:40,482 --> 00:14:42,052
Hey, baby--
353
00:14:42,082 --> 00:14:43,222
Ugh!
354
00:14:43,252 --> 00:14:44,752
This is-- Agh!
355
00:14:47,292 --> 00:14:48,752
Oh.
356
00:14:48,792 --> 00:14:50,692
Hey, baby girl.
357
00:14:50,722 --> 00:14:53,292
You ain't Gerald.
358
00:14:53,332 --> 00:14:56,662
Oh, by the by, have you seen
A 4'5" purple beard?
359
00:14:56,702 --> 00:14:57,962
Baby...
360
00:14:58,002 --> 00:15:00,132
Devon, what's going on?
361
00:15:00,172 --> 00:15:03,272
Okay, you know,
I'm gonna level with all y'all.
362
00:15:03,302 --> 00:15:06,872
There is a 4'3" [bleep]
with a purple beard named Gerald
363
00:15:06,912 --> 00:15:08,942
somewhere in this building.
364
00:15:08,982 --> 00:15:10,582
Why does he keep getting
smaller
365
00:15:10,612 --> 00:15:11,952
every time you mention him?
366
00:15:11,982 --> 00:15:13,212
Seriously?
367
00:15:13,252 --> 00:15:14,682
'cause I didn't want
to alarm y'all.
368
00:15:14,722 --> 00:15:18,022
He is disturbingly small,
really.
369
00:15:18,052 --> 00:15:19,292
He a good guy.
370
00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:20,992
He smoke rock, though.
371
00:15:21,022 --> 00:15:25,332
I mean, he'll do anything
to get money for crack.
372
00:15:25,362 --> 00:15:26,832
Anything.
373
00:15:26,862 --> 00:15:29,032
Okay.
374
00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:31,002
I mean anything.
375
00:15:31,032 --> 00:15:32,532
I get it.
376
00:15:32,572 --> 00:15:37,372
He will murder you.
377
00:15:37,412 --> 00:15:41,342
Well, we certainly hope
you find him.
378
00:15:41,382 --> 00:15:43,582
Oh, I'm gonna find him.
379
00:15:43,612 --> 00:15:45,282
Don't worry about that,
380
00:15:45,312 --> 00:15:47,182
'cause I'm gonna look low,
381
00:15:47,212 --> 00:15:49,382
and then
I'm gonna look high.
382
00:15:56,862 --> 00:15:59,862
Gerald,
you tiny little bitch!
383
00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:01,692
Sorry for the inconvenience,
y'all.
384
00:16:01,732 --> 00:16:05,832
Gerald, when I get my hands
in you, you gonna be 2'3"!
385
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:11,700
Welcome to Metta World News.
386
00:16:11,730 --> 00:16:12,940
In science news,
387
00:16:12,970 --> 00:16:14,940
it is impossible
to knock yourself out
388
00:16:14,970 --> 00:16:17,370
with your own fists.
389
00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:19,640
Let's not fall behind,
America.
390
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:21,880
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
391
00:16:21,910 --> 00:16:22,950
for this Wednesday,
392
00:16:22,980 --> 00:16:24,450
Biscuit Biscuit Biscuit.
393
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,050
I'm Metta World Peace.
394
00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:28,090
Good night.
395
00:16:34,070 --> 00:16:35,560
You win, fish.
396
00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:37,730
Now I'm the one
in the aquarium.
397
00:16:42,035 --> 00:16:43,535
How many dads
do we have here?
398
00:16:43,565 --> 00:16:45,165
A few dads?
399
00:16:45,205 --> 00:16:46,905
All right.
400
00:16:46,935 --> 00:16:48,505
The best thing
about being a father
401
00:16:48,535 --> 00:16:49,505
is the mother.
402
00:16:49,535 --> 00:16:50,635
- It's the mom.
- Right?
403
00:16:50,675 --> 00:16:51,645
It's the mother.
404
00:16:51,675 --> 00:16:52,775
Because of moms,
405
00:16:52,805 --> 00:16:54,845
dads have the default phrase,
right?
406
00:16:54,875 --> 00:16:57,245
What'd your mother say?
407
00:16:57,275 --> 00:16:58,615
I-- Well, I--
Yeah, I didn't ask her yet.
408
00:16:58,645 --> 00:17:00,415
That's why I came to you,
'cause--
409
00:17:00,455 --> 00:17:03,825
Don't do that.
410
00:17:03,855 --> 00:17:05,355
If the kid comes to the dad,
411
00:17:05,385 --> 00:17:06,955
the dad should already
just extrapolate
412
00:17:06,995 --> 00:17:08,655
that the mom
was gonna say no.
413
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:11,025
'cause you know the dad's made
that mistake before
414
00:17:11,065 --> 00:17:12,425
and got the kid some [bleep],
415
00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:14,295
had to walk
into his wife's room,
416
00:17:14,335 --> 00:17:16,735
talking about...
417
00:17:19,735 --> 00:17:22,535
Slingshots?
418
00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:26,875
They had done
some Jedi mind tricks.
419
00:17:26,915 --> 00:17:30,445
They told me you said
they could have it.
420
00:17:30,485 --> 00:17:32,045
They used
the Jedi mind trick?
421
00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:33,715
They used
the Jedi mind trick, man.
422
00:17:33,755 --> 00:17:36,915
- You'll never have sex again.
- Aw, man.
423
00:17:40,025 --> 00:17:42,295
D-dad? Dad?
424
00:17:42,325 --> 00:17:45,795
Dad!
425
00:17:45,825 --> 00:17:47,265
Hey, what's wrong, man?
426
00:17:47,295 --> 00:17:48,865
I was having a nightmare.
427
00:17:48,895 --> 00:17:51,605
Oh, again?
428
00:17:54,335 --> 00:17:57,675
- What, you want to talk about it?
- I miss mommy.
429
00:17:59,045 --> 00:18:01,875
Hey, I know.
I know.
430
00:18:01,915 --> 00:18:04,245
It's-- Hey, me too.
Me too, pal.
431
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:08,455
Come here, man.
432
00:18:08,485 --> 00:18:10,315
It's all right.
Hey, it's okay.
433
00:18:10,355 --> 00:18:13,255
It's gonna be okay.
Shh, shh, shh.
434
00:18:13,295 --> 00:18:16,255
I just don't want anything
to ever happen to you.
435
00:18:16,295 --> 00:18:17,625
Happen to me?
436
00:18:17,665 --> 00:18:20,725
Hey, come on, man, ain't nothing
ever gonna happen to me.
437
00:18:20,765 --> 00:18:23,335
Really?
438
00:18:23,365 --> 00:18:26,105
Y-Yeah.
That's what I said.
439
00:18:26,135 --> 00:18:27,565
So, yes.
440
00:18:27,605 --> 00:18:29,505
That, um, nothing ever gonna
happen to me.
441
00:18:29,535 --> 00:18:30,875
And you ain't never
gonna have to worry
442
00:18:30,905 --> 00:18:32,145
about nothing
happening to me.
443
00:18:32,175 --> 00:18:34,505
But-- But-- what if--
444
00:18:34,545 --> 00:18:36,695
what if you got hit by a car
or something?
445
00:18:38,635 --> 00:18:41,955
That's impossible,
because I will never die,
446
00:18:41,985 --> 00:18:45,485
S-So I can't...
447
00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:47,225
die, no matter what.
448
00:18:47,255 --> 00:18:48,525
You can't die?
449
00:18:48,555 --> 00:18:51,525
But I thought
all human beings died.
450
00:18:54,265 --> 00:18:55,935
That's true.
That's true.
451
00:18:55,965 --> 00:18:58,065
That's science,
so that's true.
452
00:18:58,105 --> 00:19:02,875
But I am lucky,
'cause I am not a human.
453
00:19:02,905 --> 00:19:04,235
You're not?
454
00:19:05,505 --> 00:19:08,545
- I never told you about this?
- No.
455
00:19:08,575 --> 00:19:09,975
Hey, you know,
I'll just let it out.
456
00:19:10,015 --> 00:19:14,315
I'm from a planet called
L-La-- Thelonious,
457
00:19:14,355 --> 00:19:16,655
and the thing is,
it was being destroyed.
458
00:19:16,685 --> 00:19:17,655
Okay.
459
00:19:17,685 --> 00:19:18,955
That's what happened.
460
00:19:18,985 --> 00:19:22,255
My-- was-- I was sent down
here in-- in--
461
00:19:22,295 --> 00:19:25,195
in a capsule to Earth
by my parents.
462
00:19:25,225 --> 00:19:27,495
Oh, like Superman.
463
00:19:27,535 --> 00:19:29,835
Superman, yep.
464
00:19:29,865 --> 00:19:33,205
That is what
it is exactly like, except--
465
00:19:33,235 --> 00:19:35,335
Oh, here's the thing
about my version.
466
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:38,045
only one superpower--
immortality.
467
00:19:38,075 --> 00:19:39,675
- Oh.
- Yeah.
468
00:19:39,705 --> 00:19:40,805
So I'm tired.
469
00:19:40,845 --> 00:19:42,615
Daddy's tired.
470
00:19:42,645 --> 00:19:45,345
Can you--
Let's go to sleep, okay?
471
00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:47,685
But I'm not going to live
forever, right?
472
00:19:47,715 --> 00:19:49,755
Because I'm only half-alien.
473
00:19:52,885 --> 00:19:55,085
So I'm gonna die.
474
00:19:55,125 --> 00:19:57,025
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
475
00:19:57,055 --> 00:19:58,995
You?
476
00:19:59,025 --> 00:20:02,765
You-- you right
about yourself, ex--
477
00:20:02,795 --> 00:20:03,765
but--
478
00:20:03,795 --> 00:20:05,595
Ha ha ha!
479
00:20:05,635 --> 00:20:06,765
Here it is.
480
00:20:06,805 --> 00:20:08,965
This one slipped my mind.
481
00:20:09,005 --> 00:20:12,335
You can build with me
482
00:20:12,375 --> 00:20:14,475
an immortality machine
483
00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:16,515
to give you what I got
484
00:20:16,545 --> 00:20:18,415
from the remnants
of my spacecraft.
485
00:20:18,445 --> 00:20:19,745
So, yeah.
486
00:20:19,785 --> 00:20:22,285
- Wow.
- You gonna be immortal.
487
00:20:22,315 --> 00:20:23,885
You gonna be immortal.
488
00:20:23,915 --> 00:20:26,785
Daddy, when are we gonna get
the remnants?
489
00:20:26,825 --> 00:20:28,555
- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?
490
00:20:29,955 --> 00:20:33,015
Gonna get them tomorrow
during work.
491
00:20:34,525 --> 00:20:36,495
Hey, you got anything
that looks like
492
00:20:36,535 --> 00:20:38,935
parts of a crashed spaceship?
493
00:20:38,965 --> 00:20:40,235
- Dead mom?
- Mm-hmm.
494
00:20:40,265 --> 00:20:43,365
Mm-hmm.
Right this way.
495
00:20:45,035 --> 00:20:46,905
Jordan--
So, Jordan, hey,
496
00:20:46,945 --> 00:20:49,605
you think we should say
good-bye?
497
00:20:49,645 --> 00:20:51,475
- What'd your mom say?
- Oh, jeez.
498
00:20:51,505 --> 00:20:53,575
Good night, everybody.
499
00:20:53,615 --> 00:20:57,315
- Good night.
- Whoo!
500
00:20:57,345 --> 00:21:00,315
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
501
00:21:00,565 --> 00:21:01,985
Oh, yeah.
34528
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