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1
00:00:01,938 --> 00:00:04,102
I want to know what's going on
with the huge woman,
2
00:00:04,137 --> 00:00:05,604
and I want to know
what the deal is
3
00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:06,939
- with the red witch lady.
- Yes.
4
00:00:06,973 --> 00:00:08,140
Yes.
Yes.
5
00:00:08,174 --> 00:00:09,442
I would too.
6
00:00:09,476 --> 00:00:10,976
You know what I'm saying?
7
00:00:11,010 --> 00:00:12,344
Straight out.
8
00:00:12,378 --> 00:00:13,879
No, but I mean, like,
have you?
9
00:00:13,914 --> 00:00:16,352
Have you-- have you ever
slept with a black guy?
10
00:00:16,370 --> 00:00:18,917
No, but I really want to.
11
00:00:18,952 --> 00:00:20,585
Me too!
12
00:00:20,619 --> 00:00:22,854
Apparently, it is, like,
13
00:00:22,888 --> 00:00:25,958
a whole other thing
than sleeping with white men.
14
00:00:25,992 --> 00:00:27,092
Oh, no, no.
15
00:00:27,126 --> 00:00:28,260
I heard they're
supposed to be, like,
16
00:00:28,294 --> 00:00:30,028
way better at it
or something.
17
00:00:30,063 --> 00:00:32,831
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I heard that too.
18
00:00:32,865 --> 00:00:34,333
I wonder if it's
'cause they have,
19
00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:36,634
like-- like, better rhythm,
you know?
20
00:00:36,669 --> 00:00:38,603
Right, 'cause
they're really good dancers.
21
00:00:38,637 --> 00:00:43,511
I mean, apparently,
they have, like, bigger--
22
00:00:43,582 --> 00:00:45,950
Oh, way bigger penises, right?
23
00:00:45,984 --> 00:00:47,084
Yeah.
24
00:00:47,119 --> 00:00:49,081
I guess that's
because of Africa?
25
00:00:49,129 --> 00:00:51,397
Yeah, like,
I feel like they're just--
26
00:00:51,432 --> 00:00:53,166
they're, like, really
with you in the moment.
27
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,267
Hmm.
28
00:00:54,301 --> 00:00:55,468
Like, if they're gonna
be with you,
29
00:00:55,502 --> 00:00:56,702
they're in the here and now.
30
00:00:56,736 --> 00:00:58,971
Exactly. Exactly.
31
00:00:59,005 --> 00:01:02,175
Because they know that
they basically have no future.
32
00:01:02,209 --> 00:01:03,376
I know.
33
00:01:03,410 --> 00:01:04,544
- Think about it.
- It's so sad.
34
00:01:04,578 --> 00:01:07,246
Think about it!
35
00:01:07,281 --> 00:01:09,381
I do feel like they treat
their women with just, like,
36
00:01:09,415 --> 00:01:12,084
a little bit
more compassion, though.
37
00:01:12,118 --> 00:01:13,552
Yeah,
like, respect and stuff.
38
00:01:13,587 --> 00:01:17,322
Oh, because their dads
were never around!
39
00:01:17,356 --> 00:01:21,393
Oh, right, and they also have
a lot of time on their hands
40
00:01:21,427 --> 00:01:24,063
'cause even if they have kids,
they never go visit them.
41
00:01:24,097 --> 00:01:26,398
Oh, please. Totally.
Baby daddy?
42
00:01:26,432 --> 00:01:27,765
- That's a thing.
- Oh.
43
00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:30,702
That's in the dictionary now
because of black people.
44
00:01:30,736 --> 00:01:33,472
See?
Ser-i-ou-sly.
45
00:01:33,506 --> 00:01:38,143
Apparently, black guys just know
how to please white women.
46
00:01:38,177 --> 00:01:40,245
Right? Just, like,
way more than white men.
47
00:01:40,279 --> 00:01:43,347
Oh, well, it's probably
in their blood
48
00:01:43,381 --> 00:01:45,116
'cause they're used
to pleasing their white masters.
49
00:01:45,150 --> 00:01:46,851
Whaaat?
50
00:01:46,885 --> 00:01:48,119
- Okay. Okay.
- Yeah!
51
00:01:48,153 --> 00:01:49,286
- Law of the jungle, right?
- Totally.
52
00:01:49,321 --> 00:01:51,322
I am so desperate
to find out for myself.
53
00:01:51,356 --> 00:01:53,524
Me too.
54
00:01:53,558 --> 00:01:55,793
- Right?
55
00:01:55,828 --> 00:01:59,062
- Okay, um, I'm gonna
go to the bathroom...
56
00:01:59,097 --> 00:02:00,531
Okay.
57
00:02:00,565 --> 00:02:01,898
And I swear to you,
58
00:02:01,933 --> 00:02:04,135
if there is a black guy back there,
I'm gonna blow him.
59
00:02:04,169 --> 00:02:06,703
Get it!
60
00:02:11,843 --> 00:02:15,378
So, unrelated, I now
have to go to the bathroom,
61
00:02:15,412 --> 00:02:18,181
uh, because I've been
drinking coffee all day.
62
00:02:18,215 --> 00:02:21,284
So I will be back
in a little while.
63
00:02:21,318 --> 00:02:22,619
Well, you know what?
Let-- Let me go first.
64
00:02:22,654 --> 00:02:27,290
I'll be about 30 seconds.
65
00:02:30,327 --> 00:02:33,663
Ooh, ow.
I hit my penis there.
66
00:02:33,697 --> 00:02:35,465
I'm sorry.
I don't have any money, sir.
67
00:02:35,499 --> 00:02:37,667
Okay.
68
00:03:03,602 --> 00:03:05,102
Hey!
69
00:03:08,874 --> 00:03:11,208
Thank you so much.
I am Keegan-Michael Key.
70
00:03:11,242 --> 00:03:13,010
- I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.
71
00:03:13,044 --> 00:03:14,078
Yes.
72
00:03:14,112 --> 00:03:15,480
Thank you for coming out
tonight.
73
00:03:15,514 --> 00:03:16,747
Thank you.
74
00:03:16,782 --> 00:03:19,016
So this is
a little-known fact.
75
00:03:19,050 --> 00:03:21,573
Keegan's wife
is a dialect coach.
76
00:03:21,621 --> 00:03:23,122
Yes, it's a source
of ambivalence for me
77
00:03:23,157 --> 00:03:24,691
because I want her
to have her job
78
00:03:24,725 --> 00:03:25,892
and I want her to thrive,
79
00:03:25,926 --> 00:03:27,126
but there's just a bunch
of British people
80
00:03:27,161 --> 00:03:28,427
just coming through my house,
81
00:03:28,461 --> 00:03:30,329
learning American accents
and taking all our jobs.
82
00:03:30,763 --> 00:03:32,398
So I'm just standing
in the living room,
83
00:03:32,432 --> 00:03:33,566
and these dudes are walking
about like, "Cheerio."
84
00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:35,601
"Yeah, [bleep] you."
85
00:03:35,635 --> 00:03:37,803
- Tea bag.
- Right.
86
00:03:37,837 --> 00:03:39,270
But all right, I want to--
I'm gonna throw you
87
00:03:39,305 --> 00:03:41,506
through a little bit
of a wheel of accents.
88
00:03:41,540 --> 00:03:42,874
- Just give you a little test.
- The wheel of accents.
89
00:03:42,909 --> 00:03:45,744
Italian!
90
00:03:45,778 --> 00:03:46,878
Oh, Italian.
91
00:03:46,913 --> 00:03:48,480
It's the-- is the one
for me to do.
92
00:03:48,514 --> 00:03:49,681
Yeah. German!
93
00:03:49,716 --> 00:03:53,418
The German is very exact.
94
00:03:53,452 --> 00:03:55,253
- Cockney.
- Cockney's, like, down here,
95
00:03:55,287 --> 00:03:56,621
and it's with the back
of your "froat."
96
00:03:56,655 --> 00:03:57,855
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
97
00:03:57,889 --> 00:03:59,824
You guys must have
some crazy role-play sex.
98
00:03:59,858 --> 00:04:02,427
We do. Yeah.
99
00:04:02,461 --> 00:04:03,928
Just give me an Australian.
100
00:04:03,962 --> 00:04:05,263
All right, I can do it.
101
00:04:05,297 --> 00:04:06,531
Yes, yes.
102
00:04:06,565 --> 00:04:08,133
I can go Jamaican as well.
103
00:04:08,167 --> 00:04:09,667
Oh, that's even better!
That's even better!
104
00:04:09,701 --> 00:04:11,802
I can be a Jamaican.
Okay.
105
00:04:13,038 --> 00:04:14,538
Where do you want me from?
Oh, there it is.
106
00:04:14,572 --> 00:04:16,007
Where do you want me
to be from?
107
00:04:16,041 --> 00:04:17,875
- Oh, anywhere but you.
- Okay.
108
00:04:17,909 --> 00:04:20,645
Just anywhere--
109
00:04:20,679 --> 00:04:23,247
Can-- Can you do two black guys
at a time?
110
00:04:23,281 --> 00:04:24,649
Can you just give me two?
111
00:04:28,119 --> 00:04:30,354
You sold me out, son.
112
00:04:30,388 --> 00:04:33,257
Now you gonna end up with
a bullet in your head for it.
113
00:04:33,291 --> 00:04:36,560
You can't play me,
mother[bleep].
114
00:04:36,594 --> 00:04:40,030
I'm the mother[bleep]
that plays mother[bleep]s,
115
00:04:40,064 --> 00:04:42,499
Mother[bleep].
116
00:04:42,534 --> 00:04:45,234
Cut.
117
00:04:46,403 --> 00:04:47,671
All right, everybody,
let's get reset.
118
00:04:47,705 --> 00:04:49,873
We're going again.
119
00:04:49,907 --> 00:04:51,107
Nigel, that's great.
120
00:04:51,142 --> 00:04:52,608
Oh, grea-- smashing.
121
00:04:52,643 --> 00:04:54,010
Thank you so much.
Yeah.
122
00:04:54,045 --> 00:04:56,746
Top-- Well, it's been
an absolute honor and--
123
00:04:56,781 --> 00:04:58,782
and what a great opportunity
to be here
124
00:04:58,816 --> 00:05:00,849
and be able
to play an American tough.
125
00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:02,117
Well, I'm just so glad
126
00:05:02,152 --> 00:05:03,519
that we got you
out of that BBC commitment
127
00:05:03,554 --> 00:05:04,554
so you could play with us, so.
128
00:05:04,588 --> 00:05:06,489
Cheers, mate.
Cheers, cheers.
129
00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:07,756
Antoine, listen.
130
00:05:07,791 --> 00:05:09,024
I'm just not buying
that you're someone
131
00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:12,495
that was born and raised
on the streets of Brooklyn.
132
00:05:12,529 --> 00:05:15,831
That's weird, 'cause, uh,
I actually was born and raised
133
00:05:15,865 --> 00:05:17,199
on the streets of Brooklyn.
134
00:05:17,233 --> 00:05:18,466
Oh.
135
00:05:18,501 --> 00:05:19,968
Oh.
136
00:05:20,003 --> 00:05:21,469
I was in a gang
and everything.
137
00:05:21,504 --> 00:05:24,106
Most of this stuff
actually happened to me.
138
00:05:24,140 --> 00:05:26,208
Wow. Okay.
Well, that's-- that's--
139
00:05:26,242 --> 00:05:28,643
that's great for us,
'cause I want you to use it.
140
00:05:28,678 --> 00:05:29,845
Okay?
141
00:05:29,879 --> 00:05:31,213
It's a good first take.
Let's just, uh--
142
00:05:31,247 --> 00:05:32,547
- Mm-hmm.
- Let's get going it.
143
00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:33,715
Let's get--
Let's get going.
144
00:05:33,749 --> 00:05:35,350
Thank you, Jim.
145
00:05:35,384 --> 00:05:40,088
Scene five, take two.
146
00:05:40,122 --> 00:05:43,891
- And action.
- You sold me out, son.
147
00:05:43,926 --> 00:05:46,794
Now you gonna end up with
a bullet in your head for it.
148
00:05:46,829 --> 00:05:51,665
You can't play me,
mother[bleep].
149
00:05:51,700 --> 00:05:55,203
I'm the mother[bleep]
that plays mother[bleep]s,
150
00:05:55,237 --> 00:05:57,471
Mother[bleep].
151
00:06:00,308 --> 00:06:01,976
Cut. Cut.
152
00:06:02,010 --> 00:06:03,878
Okay.
153
00:06:03,912 --> 00:06:05,279
Uh, Nigel.
That was great.
154
00:06:05,313 --> 00:06:06,580
- Oh.
- Brilliant.
155
00:06:06,615 --> 00:06:09,550
Just, the way you move,
especially when you talk.
156
00:06:09,584 --> 00:06:11,719
I just really see this character
coming to life before my eyes.
157
00:06:11,753 --> 00:06:12,986
- Cheers, mate.
- It's fabulous.
158
00:06:13,020 --> 00:06:14,555
- Cheers.
- It's fabulous.
159
00:06:14,589 --> 00:06:16,690
Antoine,
your performance, um,
160
00:06:16,725 --> 00:06:19,727
It's just not quite
there yet, okay?
161
00:06:19,761 --> 00:06:21,962
I-I really need to see you
162
00:06:21,996 --> 00:06:24,631
make more
of a transformation, okay?
163
00:06:24,665 --> 00:06:27,834
Like-- like Nigel, here.
164
00:06:27,869 --> 00:06:30,436
- That dude's British, so.
- Yeah.
165
00:06:30,471 --> 00:06:32,773
Antoine, if I might jump in
with a bit of advice?
166
00:06:32,807 --> 00:06:34,741
- I don't think I need that.
- No, no, no.
167
00:06:34,776 --> 00:06:35,976
Look.
Hear him out.
168
00:06:36,010 --> 00:06:38,544
Maybe you might want to try
169
00:06:38,579 --> 00:06:40,246
thinking of something
in the material
170
00:06:40,281 --> 00:06:41,514
that's similar to something
171
00:06:41,548 --> 00:06:42,815
that's happened
in your real life.
172
00:06:42,849 --> 00:06:45,418
- Hmm.
- For me, for instance,
173
00:06:45,452 --> 00:06:47,687
I like to think
of when me mum wanted me
174
00:06:47,721 --> 00:06:50,423
to attend prep school in Leeds
to become a barrister,
175
00:06:50,457 --> 00:06:52,425
but I wanted to study
the theater at Oxford.
176
00:06:52,459 --> 00:06:53,826
Thank God.
177
00:06:53,860 --> 00:06:55,360
And so that was a conundrum,
really, for me.
178
00:06:56,696 --> 00:06:58,197
I'm gonna stop you
right-- right there,
179
00:06:58,231 --> 00:07:01,500
'cause this is
just confusing me, right?
180
00:07:01,534 --> 00:07:04,536
Like, I don't need that,
'cause I am from the streets.
181
00:07:04,570 --> 00:07:07,306
I was in a gang.
182
00:07:07,340 --> 00:07:10,742
They told me
to kill my cousin.
183
00:07:12,319 --> 00:07:15,146
That might be
a bit spot-on, no?
184
00:07:15,181 --> 00:07:16,782
Yeah.
That's a bit spot-on.
185
00:07:16,816 --> 00:07:20,619
Do you have any stories
that involve your mum?
186
00:07:20,653 --> 00:07:22,287
What's a mum?
187
00:07:22,322 --> 00:07:23,988
Oh, dear.
188
00:07:24,023 --> 00:07:25,791
Scene five, take three.
189
00:07:25,825 --> 00:07:27,659
Okay.
190
00:07:27,694 --> 00:07:30,295
Antoine, remember.
You're a gangster!
191
00:07:30,329 --> 00:07:34,232
Okay?
Betrayal, the streets.
192
00:07:34,266 --> 00:07:36,100
Okay?
Nigel, you're perfect.
193
00:07:36,135 --> 00:07:39,003
Antoine, transform,
and action!
194
00:07:39,038 --> 00:07:41,739
You sold me out, son.
195
00:07:41,773 --> 00:07:45,676
Now you gonna get a bullet
up in your head for it.
196
00:07:45,711 --> 00:07:49,647
You can't play me,
mother[bleep].
197
00:07:49,681 --> 00:07:53,083
I'm the mother[bleep]
that plays mother[bleep]s,
198
00:07:53,117 --> 00:07:54,485
Mother[bleep].
199
00:07:54,519 --> 00:07:56,821
He's boring to watch.
200
00:07:56,855 --> 00:07:58,589
Cut.
201
00:07:59,991 --> 00:08:02,726
Oh, that does not
sound good.
202
00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:03,994
Thank you.
203
00:08:04,028 --> 00:08:07,998
Antoine, I do not feel
like you have found
204
00:08:08,032 --> 00:08:10,400
the emotional core
of this character.
205
00:08:10,434 --> 00:08:12,035
Man, [bleep] this!
206
00:08:12,070 --> 00:08:14,704
Nobody is more real than me.
Okay?
207
00:08:14,739 --> 00:08:17,474
I come from the streets,
and nobody's gonna tell me
208
00:08:17,508 --> 00:08:19,175
what the streets is like--
nobody!
209
00:08:19,209 --> 00:08:22,311
You understand?
210
00:08:22,346 --> 00:08:24,681
That's a great speech.
I just wish that I believed it.
211
00:08:24,715 --> 00:08:26,816
- You want to give it a shot?
- Sure. I'll have a go.
212
00:08:26,851 --> 00:08:28,618
Man, [bleep] this.
213
00:08:28,652 --> 00:08:30,387
- I'm as real as it gets.
- Yes.
214
00:08:30,421 --> 00:08:32,121
This [bleep] streets
is for real.
215
00:08:32,155 --> 00:08:33,456
I'm up in there, man.
216
00:08:33,491 --> 00:08:35,358
- You are.
- I'm [bleep] from the--
217
00:08:35,392 --> 00:08:38,261
from the [bleep]-- from the earth
from these streets.
218
00:08:38,295 --> 00:08:39,929
- from the eart--
- S-Something to that effect.
219
00:08:39,963 --> 00:08:41,397
That is--
No, but I am so with--
220
00:08:41,431 --> 00:08:42,899
I am with you
when you say that,
221
00:08:42,933 --> 00:08:45,001
even when you're
saying the wrong words.
222
00:08:45,035 --> 00:08:47,770
I just wish
you could do that!
223
00:08:47,804 --> 00:08:49,138
You know what?
224
00:08:49,172 --> 00:08:51,740
Goodness.
225
00:08:53,743 --> 00:08:56,845
Okay, that hurts,
but I don't feel that it comes
226
00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:59,782
from the right emotional place
for the character.
227
00:08:59,816 --> 00:09:01,082
All right?
Here. Give it a shot.
228
00:09:01,117 --> 00:09:03,351
Give me-- Watch.
Watch.
229
00:09:04,854 --> 00:09:06,988
That's-- That's great.
230
00:09:07,023 --> 00:09:09,024
- I feel that in here...
- Thank you.
231
00:09:09,058 --> 00:09:10,358
- And in here, in my heart.
232
00:09:10,393 --> 00:09:11,592
That's very gracious of you
to say that.
233
00:09:11,627 --> 00:09:12,727
Try that again.
234
00:09:14,130 --> 00:09:16,097
I just-- I don't--
235
00:09:16,132 --> 00:09:17,999
I don't believe you.
236
00:09:22,993 --> 00:09:25,102
You guys are familiar
with vanity videos, right?
237
00:09:25,136 --> 00:09:27,337
People who, like,
spend all of their money--
238
00:09:27,371 --> 00:09:29,405
all of their money--
to make a video
239
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,574
in the hopes that someone--
I don't know who--
240
00:09:31,609 --> 00:09:33,876
is gonna discover them
on the Internet and go,
241
00:09:33,910 --> 00:09:35,811
- "This guy's got the goods!"
- Yeah!
242
00:09:35,846 --> 00:09:37,614
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
"I'm gonna make you famous!"
243
00:09:37,648 --> 00:09:39,115
"You got raw talent,"
and it's always--
244
00:09:39,150 --> 00:09:41,317
it's always some kind
of, like--
245
00:09:41,352 --> 00:09:43,353
some convoluted plot
that's like...
246
00:09:43,387 --> 00:09:45,121
- Yeah.
- Part one of a ten-part series.
247
00:09:45,156 --> 00:09:46,556
It's never gonna get finished.
248
00:09:46,590 --> 00:09:48,858
And it's always, like--
249
00:09:48,892 --> 00:09:51,093
It always looks something
like Game of Thrones.
250
00:09:51,128 --> 00:09:52,161
- Yes.
- Always.
251
00:09:52,195 --> 00:09:53,462
It's got, like...
252
00:09:53,496 --> 00:09:54,997
- It's just always...
- Wizards with orbs.
253
00:09:55,032 --> 00:09:56,132
Wizards in it and orbs.
254
00:09:56,166 --> 00:09:57,432
These homemade videos.
255
00:09:57,467 --> 00:09:59,969
It's always like this
fantasy, glam, like...
256
00:10:00,003 --> 00:10:01,370
It's just--
like, they're weird.
257
00:10:01,404 --> 00:10:03,572
- Steampunk [bleep].
- Yeah.
258
00:10:03,606 --> 00:10:05,574
Do we have any--
any steampunks here today?
259
00:10:05,608 --> 00:10:07,509
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
260
00:10:07,544 --> 00:10:10,679
You don't have your, uh,
umbrella with you today, sir.
261
00:10:12,248 --> 00:10:13,782
There's not a lot
of black steampunks out there.
262
00:10:13,816 --> 00:10:15,184
- No.
- Not a lot of--
263
00:10:15,218 --> 00:10:16,885
Ah, dudes talking about,
"Hey, man."
264
00:10:16,919 --> 00:10:18,220
Yeah.
265
00:10:18,254 --> 00:10:19,721
"I'm just representing
Jules Verne
266
00:10:19,755 --> 00:10:22,490
"in the mother[bleep]."
267
00:10:29,565 --> 00:10:32,366
♪ There's a light
268
00:10:32,401 --> 00:10:34,235
♪ And it shines
within the darkness ♪
269
00:10:34,269 --> 00:10:37,771
♪ Of the sands of time,
The sands of time ♪
270
00:10:37,806 --> 00:10:40,440
♪ There's a fight
271
00:10:40,475 --> 00:10:43,844
♪ But the battle to be won
is with the man inside ♪
272
00:10:43,878 --> 00:10:46,013
♪ The man inside
273
00:10:46,047 --> 00:10:49,883
♪ No valley, no ocean
274
00:10:49,918 --> 00:10:53,753
♪ Can stop my devotion
275
00:10:55,456 --> 00:10:59,392
♪ Nothing will keep me
from getting to you ♪
276
00:10:59,427 --> 00:11:02,829
♪ Flying high,
to the limit ♪
277
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:04,164
♪ Never wondering
278
00:11:04,198 --> 00:11:07,400
♪ How I touch the sky,
Touch the sky ♪
279
00:11:07,435 --> 00:11:10,169
♪ Like a dream
280
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:11,838
♪ You can never
tell the lies ♪
281
00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:14,273
♪ From what's exactly
as it seems ♪
282
00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:16,743
♪ In the rhythm, I believe
283
00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:21,347
♪ Is the power of wings
284
00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:23,650
♪ There's a fire
285
00:11:25,152 --> 00:11:27,553
♪ And it burns the deepest
fathoms of the Seven Seas ♪
286
00:11:27,587 --> 00:11:29,488
♪ The Seven Seas
287
00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:32,057
♪ True desire
288
00:11:32,091 --> 00:11:33,725
♪ Let the music in your heart
289
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:36,262
♪ Give way to the things
that you believe ♪
290
00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:37,530
♪ Anything you can achieve
291
00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:40,766
♪ Flying high,
to the limit ♪
292
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:41,967
♪ Never wondering
293
00:11:42,001 --> 00:11:45,537
♪ How I kiss the clouds
294
00:11:45,571 --> 00:11:46,838
♪ Like a dream
295
00:11:48,307 --> 00:11:49,941
♪ You can never
tell the lies ♪
296
00:11:49,976 --> 00:11:52,377
♪ From what's exactly
as it seems ♪
297
00:11:52,411 --> 00:11:54,646
♪ In the rhythm,
I believe ♪
298
00:11:54,681 --> 00:12:00,652
♪ Is the power of wings
299
00:12:00,686 --> 00:12:04,055
♪ Anything is achievable
300
00:12:04,089 --> 00:12:07,392
♪ Don't let nobody
tear you down ♪
301
00:12:07,426 --> 00:12:08,660
♪ Sexually
302
00:12:08,694 --> 00:12:11,563
♪ Just take flight,
it's believable ♪
303
00:12:11,597 --> 00:12:17,467
♪ If you first learn
to stand your ground ♪
304
00:12:17,502 --> 00:12:20,805
♪ Flying high,
to the limit ♪
305
00:12:20,839 --> 00:12:21,872
♪ Never wondering
306
00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:25,475
♪ How I touch the sky
307
00:12:25,510 --> 00:12:28,412
♪ Like a dream
308
00:12:28,446 --> 00:12:30,047
♪ You can never
tell the lies ♪
309
00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:35,118
♪ From what's exactly
as it seems ♪
310
00:12:35,152 --> 00:12:38,788
♪ Within the rhythms,
I believe ♪
311
00:12:38,823 --> 00:12:40,990
♪ Is the power
312
00:12:41,025 --> 00:12:42,693
♪ of wings
313
00:12:49,141 --> 00:12:51,009
Don't stop pulling.
Never stop.
314
00:12:51,043 --> 00:12:52,277
Keep on pulling.
315
00:12:52,311 --> 00:12:53,611
Don't stop walking.
316
00:12:53,645 --> 00:12:56,447
Keep on walking.
Don't stop walking.
317
00:12:56,481 --> 00:12:58,582
Oh, my God.
Jahar, my friend.
318
00:12:58,617 --> 00:12:59,711
Yes, Rajim?
319
00:12:59,743 --> 00:13:03,739
We are a long way
from h-h-h-home.
320
00:13:06,790 --> 00:13:08,925
Every American woman
is more infidel
321
00:13:08,959 --> 00:13:10,627
- than the last, my friend.
- You're telling me.
322
00:13:10,661 --> 00:13:12,062
You're telling me,
my good friend, yes.
323
00:13:12,096 --> 00:13:14,131
Oh, there's a 9:00.
9:00. Here she comes.
324
00:13:15,933 --> 00:13:18,635
- Mm-blip.
- Shabloim!
325
00:13:18,669 --> 00:13:19,802
Okay.
326
00:13:19,837 --> 00:13:21,604
Come on.
Full-frontal face.
327
00:13:21,639 --> 00:13:24,607
- Only in America, baby.
- Only, only, only.
328
00:13:24,642 --> 00:13:26,308
- Only in America, huh?
- Come on, grab it.
329
00:13:26,343 --> 00:13:27,510
- What did you see?
- I want to grab--
330
00:13:27,545 --> 00:13:29,012
- What?
- I'm grabbing it.
331
00:13:29,046 --> 00:13:31,848
This is yours,
and then that is yours.
332
00:13:31,882 --> 00:13:33,416
What did you see?
What did you see?
333
00:13:33,450 --> 00:13:34,784
- I'll tell you what I saw.
- What?
334
00:13:34,818 --> 00:13:36,152
- I got to see her forearms.
- You got?
335
00:13:36,186 --> 00:13:37,921
- A little bit of the thigh.
- Yes. Oh, I saw this.
336
00:13:37,955 --> 00:13:39,621
And I definitely
got some ankle knot.
337
00:13:39,656 --> 00:13:41,390
- You got ankle knot?
- Oh, I got ankle knot.
338
00:13:41,425 --> 00:13:44,860
Oh, the w-w-whole
baba ghanoush, huh?
339
00:13:44,894 --> 00:13:46,195
You're telling me.
340
00:13:46,229 --> 00:13:47,863
It's like we've got
the X-ray visions.
341
00:13:47,897 --> 00:13:49,731
We are Superman.
We are Superman, huh?
342
00:13:49,766 --> 00:13:50,966
Oh!
Shh. Here we go.
343
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,734
Here we go.
Here we go.
344
00:13:52,769 --> 00:13:54,336
Here we go, yeah.
345
00:13:56,439 --> 00:13:59,140
H-h-h-holy tabbouleh.
346
00:13:59,175 --> 00:14:00,976
Would you look
at the leg elbows on that one?
347
00:14:01,010 --> 00:14:03,011
- Mm-hmm.
- Whoo!
348
00:14:03,045 --> 00:14:04,879
I'll tell you what.
Ho, ho, ho!
349
00:14:04,913 --> 00:14:06,247
Ho, ho, ho!
350
00:14:06,282 --> 00:14:10,585
What I wouldn't do
for six seconds with her.
351
00:14:10,619 --> 00:14:12,587
Yes, you would!
Yes, you would!
352
00:14:12,621 --> 00:14:13,855
What would you do?
353
00:14:13,889 --> 00:14:15,055
I'm going to show you
right now.
354
00:14:15,090 --> 00:14:16,090
You're gonna show me?
355
00:14:16,124 --> 00:14:17,658
Spot me!
You got to spot me.
356
00:14:17,693 --> 00:14:18,893
Yes, I am here.
I am here.
357
00:14:18,927 --> 00:14:20,094
Let me tell you
what I would do right now.
358
00:14:20,128 --> 00:14:22,463
I would pump her full of iron,
you know,
359
00:14:22,498 --> 00:14:24,164
and then I would lift her
to the ceiling.
360
00:14:24,199 --> 00:14:25,800
- I'm her.
- Lift her to the ceiling.
361
00:14:25,834 --> 00:14:26,934
- I'm her.
- Working the body.
362
00:14:26,969 --> 00:14:28,202
Working the body.
Working the body.
363
00:14:28,236 --> 00:14:29,503
- Working the body.
- Do it the head.
364
00:14:29,537 --> 00:14:31,205
- Give it to the head.
- Get the head, get the head.
365
00:14:31,239 --> 00:14:32,572
- And you give it to the head.
- Ho! Ho! Belly button.
366
00:14:32,607 --> 00:14:34,941
- Belly button.
- We got belly button.
367
00:14:34,976 --> 00:14:37,044
- Dude, we got belly button.
- Oh, my-- Oh, my God.
368
00:14:45,419 --> 00:14:47,053
That's belly button,
my friend.
369
00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:48,588
I couldn't believe
we saw the belly button.
370
00:14:48,623 --> 00:14:50,089
I've never seen the belly button
on a woman before.
371
00:14:50,124 --> 00:14:51,892
I thought it was a myth.
372
00:14:51,926 --> 00:14:54,160
Yes, it's like the butthole
of the belly.
373
00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:55,161
- Mm.
- Mm.
374
00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:57,096
Dig this.
375
00:14:57,131 --> 00:14:59,432
Oh, what I wouldn't do for a--
give me the--
376
00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:00,734
- Show me.
- Give me the ball.
377
00:15:00,768 --> 00:15:02,068
- Show me, show me.
- Give me the ball.
378
00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:03,102
- Show me, show me.
- I'm gonna show you right now.
379
00:15:03,137 --> 00:15:04,570
I'm gonna show it to you
right now.
380
00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:06,705
- What you do? I'm ready.
- I get in here.
381
00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:07,806
- I'm ready.
- And then like this and go--
382
00:15:07,841 --> 00:15:09,008
Ho!
Come on, it feel good.
383
00:15:09,043 --> 00:15:10,176
I get over here
and then I get in there.
384
00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:11,310
- Oh, yeah!
- Grab the hair.
385
00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:12,578
I get into it.
I get into it!
386
00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:14,080
- Hold the hair.
- Hold the hair.
387
00:15:14,114 --> 00:15:15,981
Come on, switch.
Switch positions.
388
00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:17,350
- Let's do it.
- I'm gonna grab your hands.
389
00:15:17,384 --> 00:15:19,585
- Lock 'em on.
- ♪ I will show you the world
390
00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:21,153
♪ Shining, shimmering,
splendid ♪
391
00:15:21,187 --> 00:15:22,688
♪ Don't you dare
close your eyes ♪
392
00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:24,189
Yes, princess, yes.
393
00:15:24,223 --> 00:15:27,359
Ah. Ooh.
Infidels.
394
00:15:27,393 --> 00:15:30,128
Homosexual American devils.
395
00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:31,797
Give them the whistle
of disapproval.
396
00:15:31,831 --> 00:15:33,432
I will right now.
397
00:15:34,967 --> 00:15:36,535
- That is my boy.
- That should teach them.
398
00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:38,103
That is my boy, huh?
399
00:15:41,699 --> 00:15:43,099
Pawn shops
are an interesting place.
400
00:15:43,133 --> 00:15:44,967
Anybody who's ever--
here's ever been to a pawn shop?
401
00:15:47,043 --> 00:15:52,280
That is a motley crew
of-- of items.
402
00:15:52,314 --> 00:15:53,648
Yes.
403
00:15:53,682 --> 00:15:55,449
I mean, what do I want
when I walk into a pawn shop?
404
00:15:55,484 --> 00:15:58,653
I'll take that dartboard,
that spittoon,
405
00:15:59,622 --> 00:16:01,522
and that African mask,
if you know...
406
00:16:03,392 --> 00:16:04,992
The, like, saddest ones
are also in, like, Vegas
407
00:16:05,026 --> 00:16:06,760
'cause you know that's where,
like, people are like,
408
00:16:06,795 --> 00:16:09,129
"Hey, man, I'm gonna be
right back for this.
409
00:16:09,164 --> 00:16:10,597
- Real-- I swear to God."
- "Okay, yeah."
410
00:16:10,631 --> 00:16:11,999
"I'll be right back. How much
can you give me for it?"
411
00:16:12,033 --> 00:16:13,333
- "$5 for this saxophone."
- "All right.
412
00:16:13,367 --> 00:16:14,868
"I'll be back.
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna--
413
00:16:14,903 --> 00:16:17,071
"I'm gonna triple my money
real quick, let's do it."
414
00:16:17,105 --> 00:16:18,338
"Just go over there
and they'll give you $5."
415
00:16:18,372 --> 00:16:19,539
"All right."
416
00:16:19,574 --> 00:16:20,741
That's, like,
the number for everything
417
00:16:20,775 --> 00:16:23,077
is, like-- "This is
an actual samurai sword.
418
00:16:23,111 --> 00:16:24,511
- "You know."
- $5.
419
00:16:24,545 --> 00:16:26,213
"$5."
420
00:16:26,247 --> 00:16:29,048
"And this is
an unexploded atomic bomb."
421
00:16:29,083 --> 00:16:30,317
- Yeah.
- "$5."
422
00:16:31,485 --> 00:16:33,152
"This is a briefcase
with $1,000 in it."
423
00:16:33,187 --> 00:16:34,487
"$5."
424
00:16:34,522 --> 00:16:37,524
"$5?
How is that possible?"
425
00:16:53,974 --> 00:16:55,875
Hey, man.
How you doing?
426
00:16:55,909 --> 00:16:57,343
You guys got bow and arrows?
427
00:16:57,377 --> 00:17:00,779
Yeah.
428
00:17:00,813 --> 00:17:02,080
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's it.
429
00:17:02,115 --> 00:17:03,382
Yeah, there it is.
There.
430
00:17:03,416 --> 00:17:04,550
That'll do it.
That's gonna do it.
431
00:17:04,584 --> 00:17:05,784
Yup.
Where are the arrows at?
432
00:17:07,654 --> 00:17:09,288
Yeah.
You got-- you guys got M80s?
433
00:17:09,322 --> 00:17:11,123
We don't carry fireworks.
434
00:17:11,157 --> 00:17:12,424
Damn!
You have, uh--
435
00:17:12,459 --> 00:17:13,992
You have something else
that's explosive
436
00:17:14,026 --> 00:17:16,094
that I could tape
to the end of an arrow?
437
00:17:17,496 --> 00:17:19,631
- We have shotgun shells, but...
- Uh-huh. Ooh.
438
00:17:19,665 --> 00:17:20,966
I feel I have to ask,
439
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:22,500
are you planning
to attach those to arrows
440
00:17:22,534 --> 00:17:24,035
and use them as a weapon?
441
00:17:24,070 --> 00:17:25,137
What?
No. What?
442
00:17:25,171 --> 00:17:26,371
Are you crazy?
443
00:17:26,405 --> 00:17:27,538
You think
that would work though?
444
00:17:27,573 --> 00:17:29,707
What-- What-- What if I shot
explosive arrows
445
00:17:29,742 --> 00:17:31,576
through a window
to break 'em open?
446
00:17:31,610 --> 00:17:33,578
Sir, I feel like
I have to ask you
447
00:17:33,612 --> 00:17:35,813
what you're planning
to use these for.
448
00:17:35,847 --> 00:17:37,081
Oh, no, I'm not planning
to do anything.
449
00:17:37,115 --> 00:17:38,583
I'm just-- this is
just Christmas shopping.
450
00:17:38,617 --> 00:17:39,684
I'm getting a--
You got zip lines?
451
00:17:39,718 --> 00:17:40,985
Nope.
452
00:17:41,019 --> 00:17:42,153
But you got, like,
hooks and anchors and cables?
453
00:17:42,187 --> 00:17:43,454
We got
some of those things,
454
00:17:43,489 --> 00:17:47,057
but I do not recommend
manufacturing your own zip line.
455
00:17:47,092 --> 00:17:49,160
Oh, I'm not doing that.
No.
456
00:17:49,194 --> 00:17:50,560
Let's say somebody
was manufacturing
457
00:17:50,595 --> 00:17:52,096
- their own zip line.
- Mm-hmm.
458
00:17:52,130 --> 00:17:53,297
You think if they
had busted some windows open
459
00:17:53,331 --> 00:17:54,531
on a building somehow,
460
00:17:54,565 --> 00:17:57,034
Then fired the zip line
off a bow and arrow,
461
00:17:57,068 --> 00:17:58,969
and it attached
to the wall of said building,
462
00:17:59,004 --> 00:18:01,238
that they could just ride
the zip line into the building?
463
00:18:01,273 --> 00:18:03,007
I have no idea.
464
00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:05,242
Sir, whatever you
are planning on doing,
465
00:18:05,277 --> 00:18:06,743
please don't do it.
466
00:18:06,778 --> 00:18:08,178
I'm not-- I'm not--
I'm not doing anything.
467
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:09,546
I'm just doing
some Christmas shopping,
468
00:18:09,580 --> 00:18:10,681
trying to get it
out of the way.
469
00:18:10,715 --> 00:18:12,015
You know, bow and arrows
for my nephew.
470
00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:14,651
The zip line's for my...
grandmother.
471
00:18:14,686 --> 00:18:16,353
Et cetera and whatnot.
You know what I'm saying there?
472
00:18:16,387 --> 00:18:17,821
It's nothing.
No big deal.
473
00:18:17,855 --> 00:18:19,289
Speaking of other things,
do you guys have
474
00:18:19,324 --> 00:18:23,526
just the, uh, top half
of a knight in armor?
475
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:25,895
First of all,
it's called a suit of armor.
476
00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:27,496
Oh, yup, that's it.
That's right.
477
00:18:27,531 --> 00:18:29,299
- That's what I meant to say.
- We have one but it's sold...
478
00:18:29,333 --> 00:18:30,900
- Oh!
- As a complete set.
479
00:18:30,935 --> 00:18:32,068
- Yup. Yup.
- Yup.
480
00:18:32,102 --> 00:18:33,303
Yeah,
but the person it's for,
481
00:18:33,337 --> 00:18:34,403
they only need the--
they don't need the--
482
00:18:34,438 --> 00:18:35,604
they just need the top half.
483
00:18:35,639 --> 00:18:36,873
- they don't need the legs.
- Mm-hmm.
484
00:18:36,907 --> 00:18:38,507
Well, what if somebody
was shooting at you and--
485
00:18:38,542 --> 00:18:40,142
what are the chances you think
they'd try to shoot your legs?
486
00:18:40,176 --> 00:18:42,277
I feel
like I have to tell you
487
00:18:42,312 --> 00:18:45,481
that a suit of armor
will not deflect bullets.
488
00:18:45,515 --> 00:18:49,151
I'll take my chances--
with Christmas.
489
00:18:49,185 --> 00:18:51,554
Which brings me, uh,
to my next question.
490
00:18:51,588 --> 00:18:53,723
Do you guys
have roller skates?
491
00:18:53,757 --> 00:18:56,158
- I think we have a pair around.
- Uh-huh.
492
00:18:56,192 --> 00:18:57,625
Let me ask you a question.
493
00:18:57,660 --> 00:18:58,927
How fast do you think you'd have
to be going on roller skates
494
00:18:58,962 --> 00:19:00,428
to get past a couple
of armed guards
495
00:19:00,463 --> 00:19:02,831
and still be going fast enough
to smash through a safe door?
496
00:19:02,866 --> 00:19:05,000
- One of those big bank safes?
- No!
497
00:19:05,034 --> 00:19:06,668
I don-- I don't know.
Yeah.
498
00:19:06,702 --> 00:19:09,504
Yeah? Uh...
499
00:19:09,538 --> 00:19:11,240
Hey, you guys got one of those,
you know, just one
500
00:19:11,274 --> 00:19:13,675
of those big bags with
a dollar sign on the side of it?
501
00:19:13,709 --> 00:19:14,843
Okay.
502
00:19:14,877 --> 00:19:16,878
Yeah?
503
00:19:16,912 --> 00:19:19,180
You're gonna shoot arrows with
shotgun shells attached to 'em
504
00:19:19,214 --> 00:19:21,048
to a bank window
to blow out the glass.
505
00:19:21,083 --> 00:19:23,385
then you're gonna shoot
a zip line through that window
506
00:19:23,419 --> 00:19:25,487
and you're gonna slide on
into the hallway.
507
00:19:25,521 --> 00:19:27,255
You're gonna be
wearing roller skates
508
00:19:27,289 --> 00:19:29,357
so you can just skate on past
the armed guards,
509
00:19:29,391 --> 00:19:31,625
who will be shooting at you,
and you're gonna hope
510
00:19:31,659 --> 00:19:33,094
that they both
won't hit your legs,
511
00:19:33,128 --> 00:19:35,196
and, if they are aiming
at your torso,
512
00:19:35,230 --> 00:19:37,431
the suit of medieval armor
will deflect the bullets.
513
00:19:37,465 --> 00:19:39,700
then you're gonna hope
to gather enough speed
514
00:19:39,734 --> 00:19:41,402
to burst through
the big bank vault
515
00:19:41,436 --> 00:19:42,703
at the end of the hallway
516
00:19:42,737 --> 00:19:44,038
where you're gonna
collect the money
517
00:19:44,072 --> 00:19:48,709
in a cartoon money bag.
518
00:19:48,743 --> 00:19:50,310
Well, no.
519
00:19:50,344 --> 00:19:51,779
I'm just an uncle who's buying
some [bleep] for Christmas
520
00:19:51,813 --> 00:19:53,380
And I, uh, think I'll
take my business elsewhere.
521
00:19:53,415 --> 00:19:54,815
Merry Christmas.
522
00:19:54,849 --> 00:19:56,517
It's April.
523
00:20:05,103 --> 00:20:06,903
Welcome to Metta World News.
524
00:20:06,945 --> 00:20:10,815
Our top story, a professional
athlete should never post online
525
00:20:10,849 --> 00:20:13,251
looking for people
to live-action role play
526
00:20:13,285 --> 00:20:14,585
Hunger Games with them.
527
00:20:14,620 --> 00:20:19,423
I'm sorry,
Jerod, Cailey, and Zach.
528
00:20:19,457 --> 00:20:21,592
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
529
00:20:21,627 --> 00:20:23,928
For this Wednesday, August
Microwave Wood Chipper.
530
00:20:23,962 --> 00:20:25,897
I'm Metta World Peace.
531
00:20:25,931 --> 00:20:27,665
Good night.
532
00:20:29,134 --> 00:20:30,668
Look at this one here.
Huh?
533
00:20:30,702 --> 00:20:34,405
- Look at this one here, huh?
- Beautiful lady.
534
00:20:34,439 --> 00:20:36,573
What I wouldn't do to her.
535
00:20:36,607 --> 00:20:38,842
You can see full chin cleavage
on this one, huh?
536
00:20:38,876 --> 00:20:40,310
Yeah, yeah.
537
00:20:40,345 --> 00:20:41,545
Good night, everybody.
538
00:20:41,579 --> 00:20:43,080
- Have a good one.
- Good night.
539
00:20:57,828 --> 00:21:00,797
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
540
00:21:00,831 --> 00:21:02,832
Oh, yeah.
39366
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