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1
00:00:01,969 --> 00:00:03,505
I'll tell you one thing--
When the Unsullied
2
00:00:03,539 --> 00:00:05,355
make it to Westeros,
they're gonna annihilate people.
3
00:00:05,372 --> 00:00:06,695
Wait, wait, dude, hold up.
4
00:00:06,707 --> 00:00:08,315
- It's gonna be crazy.
- First of all, slow down.
5
00:00:08,333 --> 00:00:10,323
Second of all,
I'm not up to that yet.
6
00:00:10,346 --> 00:00:11,507
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- No, yeah.
7
00:00:11,542 --> 00:00:13,496
- I didn't know that.
- I will erase it.
8
00:00:13,727 --> 00:00:15,588
Ass is like da-dow, blizz-ow.
I'm like, "peace."
9
00:00:15,623 --> 00:00:17,019
You know what I'm saying?
Like--
10
00:00:17,053 --> 00:00:19,281
Jordan, right now--
like, right now-- you must listen
11
00:00:19,315 --> 00:00:22,206
to how this white dude
is talking to black people.
12
00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:24,301
Get out of my face
with yo Tommy Bahama ass.
13
00:00:24,333 --> 00:00:26,863
I'm trying to make
some big dough. I'm a DJ.
14
00:00:26,897 --> 00:00:28,228
- No, no.
- "I'm a DJ."
15
00:00:28,262 --> 00:00:30,293
I put that pussy
on the chain wax, son.
16
00:00:30,326 --> 00:00:31,457
He puts the pussy
on the chain--
17
00:00:31,491 --> 00:00:32,789
That's pathetic.
That's pathetic.
18
00:00:32,824 --> 00:00:34,287
What's up, girl?
19
00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:35,718
He's walking this way.
He's totally walking this way.
20
00:00:35,752 --> 00:00:36,950
Oh, no, I can't.
I can't. I can't.
21
00:00:36,984 --> 00:00:38,115
Just go with it, dude.
Just go with it.
22
00:00:38,148 --> 00:00:39,179
- Hey!
- I can't.
23
00:00:39,213 --> 00:00:40,643
Hey! how's it going?
24
00:00:40,678 --> 00:00:42,076
- Key and Peele, right?
- Good.
25
00:00:42,110 --> 00:00:44,404
So stoked you guys are here.
Thanks for coming out.
26
00:00:44,438 --> 00:00:46,367
You guys rock.
Awesome.
27
00:00:46,402 --> 00:00:50,395
Yo, Kevin,
Let me get some red vines!
28
00:00:57,256 --> 00:00:58,421
- Want to get out of here?
- Yep.
29
00:01:18,372 --> 00:01:20,203
Whoo!
30
00:01:20,237 --> 00:01:23,601
Whoo!
31
00:01:27,033 --> 00:01:28,264
Thank you so much.
32
00:01:28,298 --> 00:01:30,096
I am Keegan-Michael Key.
33
00:01:30,131 --> 00:01:31,962
- And I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.
34
00:01:31,996 --> 00:01:33,226
Thank you for coming out
tonight, everybody.
35
00:01:33,261 --> 00:01:34,326
Thank you for coming.
36
00:01:38,993 --> 00:01:40,757
You know what
we're fed up with?
37
00:01:40,791 --> 00:01:42,056
The news.
38
00:01:42,091 --> 00:01:44,788
Well, yes, we talk
about the news a lot.
39
00:01:44,822 --> 00:01:47,054
- The news is annoying to us.
- Right.
40
00:01:47,088 --> 00:01:49,786
The way that the news stations
are getting their news now
41
00:01:49,821 --> 00:01:51,252
is just basically
from the internet.
42
00:01:51,287 --> 00:01:53,251
Yeah, yeah, it's like
they're checking their iPads
43
00:01:53,286 --> 00:01:54,583
at the desk.
44
00:01:54,618 --> 00:01:56,982
Uh, next we will discuss
a new way
45
00:01:57,017 --> 00:01:59,581
to double your penis size...
46
00:01:59,615 --> 00:02:02,240
That is...
47
00:02:02,265 --> 00:02:04,211
My mom and I used to watch
the local news together.
48
00:02:04,245 --> 00:02:06,077
And if a guy came
on the news and said,
49
00:02:06,111 --> 00:02:07,808
"There was a carjacking
on Six Mile Road,"
50
00:02:07,843 --> 00:02:10,108
my mom would go, "Oh, please
be white, please be white."
51
00:02:10,141 --> 00:02:12,040
Mm-hmm.
52
00:02:12,074 --> 00:02:14,040
Then be like, "and we'll
be back with more news
53
00:02:14,074 --> 00:02:17,205
on the Nigerian Prince
who needs some money."
54
00:02:19,138 --> 00:02:21,737
"But first...
55
00:02:21,771 --> 00:02:25,167
a car chase ensued
down on Eight Mile and, uh..."
56
00:02:25,202 --> 00:02:28,199
Oh, oh, let this one guy
be white, please.
57
00:02:28,234 --> 00:02:31,398
"where-- where he stole
a six-pack of Smirnoff Ice..."
58
00:02:31,433 --> 00:02:33,564
Might be white!
Might be white!
59
00:02:33,598 --> 00:02:36,130
Might be white!
60
00:02:36,164 --> 00:02:38,562
Might be white.
61
00:02:38,596 --> 00:02:40,895
"and a pack
of Now and Laters."
62
00:02:40,929 --> 00:02:42,627
Damn it!
63
00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:47,699
Good evening, St. Paul.
64
00:02:47,733 --> 00:02:49,831
It's your city news at 5:00.
I'm Jamie Throneburg.
65
00:02:49,865 --> 00:02:51,964
And I'm Marcy Whitchurch.
66
00:02:51,998 --> 00:02:54,063
Winter weather advisories
are in effect
67
00:02:54,097 --> 00:02:55,662
across Central Minnesota
tonight.
68
00:02:55,696 --> 00:02:58,062
With more on that,
weatherman Isaac Labuda.
69
00:02:58,096 --> 00:02:59,062
Isaac.
70
00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:00,262
Thanks, Marcy.
71
00:03:00,296 --> 00:03:02,695
A major system
is zipping across the region.
72
00:03:02,729 --> 00:03:04,893
Outside temp right now,
8 degrees,
73
00:03:04,928 --> 00:03:06,126
but it feels like 20 below.
74
00:03:06,161 --> 00:03:07,326
Jamie.
75
00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:08,925
Well, stay off the roads
if you can, folks.
76
00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:10,391
Lots of reports
of black ice.
77
00:03:10,426 --> 00:03:13,357
Ooh, you got to watch out
for that dangerous black ice.
78
00:03:13,391 --> 00:03:16,556
It's transparent and sneaky.
Hard to see black ice.
79
00:03:16,590 --> 00:03:17,956
That's right, Marcy.
80
00:03:17,991 --> 00:03:19,656
Keep your loved ones safe
and warn them
81
00:03:19,690 --> 00:03:21,255
to stay off the street
tonight
82
00:03:21,290 --> 00:03:24,188
because of menacing,
life-robbing black, black ice.
83
00:03:24,222 --> 00:03:26,221
Isaac.
84
00:03:28,888 --> 00:03:30,786
We have Channel 17's
field reporter,
85
00:03:30,820 --> 00:03:32,086
Darren Hepner, with more.
86
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:33,085
Darren?
87
00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:36,550
Yeah...
88
00:03:36,585 --> 00:03:39,583
I'm standing out here
at historic Ramsey Hill,
89
00:03:39,618 --> 00:03:41,883
where there are currently
no cars on the street
90
00:03:41,917 --> 00:03:43,782
due to, uh...
91
00:03:43,817 --> 00:03:46,449
hazardous
driving conditions.
92
00:03:46,483 --> 00:03:49,048
Darren, are you
talking about black ice?
93
00:03:49,082 --> 00:03:50,548
That's right.
94
00:03:50,583 --> 00:03:52,214
Ooh, jeez,
it's frightening
95
00:03:52,248 --> 00:03:54,647
Just to even say
"black ice."
96
00:03:54,682 --> 00:03:57,514
It's scary, tricky,
ruthless stuff, that black ice.
97
00:03:57,548 --> 00:04:00,880
A perfectly safe neighborhood
can be suddenly terrorized
98
00:04:00,915 --> 00:04:02,548
by the appearance
of black ice.
99
00:04:02,582 --> 00:04:06,181
Well, one must
keep in mind that,
100
00:04:06,215 --> 00:04:08,982
just because black ice
looks different than white ice,
101
00:04:09,015 --> 00:04:11,181
it doesn't make it
any more dangerous.
102
00:04:11,216 --> 00:04:12,748
Also, one must remember
103
00:04:12,783 --> 00:04:16,281
how hard it is
for black ice to survive,
104
00:04:16,316 --> 00:04:18,648
what with the authorities
trying to destroy it
105
00:04:18,683 --> 00:04:20,815
with the snow plows
and salt trucks,
106
00:04:20,850 --> 00:04:23,448
but black ice perseveres.
107
00:04:23,483 --> 00:04:24,982
Uh-huh, that's right.
That's right.
108
00:04:25,016 --> 00:04:26,848
And as you can see
right now,
109
00:04:26,883 --> 00:04:27,981
the city
is being controlled
110
00:04:28,016 --> 00:04:30,614
by lots
of oppressive white snow,
111
00:04:30,648 --> 00:04:33,881
making it hard
for all people to advance.
112
00:04:33,916 --> 00:04:36,682
And we don't hear
much "news" about that,
113
00:04:36,716 --> 00:04:37,682
Now, do we?
114
00:04:37,716 --> 00:04:38,815
No, we do not!
115
00:04:38,849 --> 00:04:41,949
Well, thank you very much,
Brother Darren.
116
00:04:41,983 --> 00:04:45,416
But let's be honest--
Black ice is the real menace.
117
00:04:45,450 --> 00:04:48,649
Last night I was in
a perfectly safe neighborhood,
118
00:04:48,684 --> 00:04:51,482
walking away
from an A.T.M. machine,
119
00:04:51,516 --> 00:04:53,582
when black ice
just snuck up on me
120
00:04:53,617 --> 00:04:56,315
and practically robbed me
of my balance.
121
00:04:56,350 --> 00:04:59,515
Ouch. That sounds exactly like
something black ice would do.
122
00:04:59,550 --> 00:05:04,048
Well, I just hope that folks
watch out so the white snow
123
00:05:04,083 --> 00:05:06,315
doesn't blind them
and keep them from seeing
124
00:05:06,349 --> 00:05:08,016
what's really going on.
125
00:05:08,050 --> 00:05:09,382
All I'm saying
is I can't think
126
00:05:09,416 --> 00:05:11,782
of a single Christmas song
about black ice.
127
00:05:11,816 --> 00:05:14,982
Lots of cheerful, uplifting
songs about snow, so...
128
00:05:15,016 --> 00:05:16,982
Well...
129
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:20,949
For the record, black ice
never asked to be out here.
130
00:05:20,983 --> 00:05:22,548
No, it did not!
131
00:05:22,582 --> 00:05:25,748
It's a product
of the environment.
132
00:05:25,782 --> 00:05:27,948
Ooh, Hallelujah!
133
00:05:27,982 --> 00:05:31,015
In fact, black ice
didn't land on the road.
134
00:05:31,049 --> 00:05:33,248
The road
landed on black ice!
135
00:05:33,283 --> 00:05:36,281
Whoo! Amen!
136
00:05:36,315 --> 00:05:38,881
Okay.
137
00:05:38,915 --> 00:05:42,357
Next up, why is America
being ruined by black people?
138
00:05:54,782 --> 00:05:57,748
Hello. You must be
Detective Hobbs.
139
00:05:57,782 --> 00:06:01,348
I am your new partner,
Joshua Taye.
140
00:06:04,483 --> 00:06:06,615
Um, wha--you know--
141
00:06:06,649 --> 00:06:10,415
Uh, your last partner,
Detective Jimenez,
142
00:06:10,449 --> 00:06:12,381
I never met him,
but I hear he left
143
00:06:12,416 --> 00:06:13,815
some pretty big shoes
to fill.
144
00:06:13,849 --> 00:06:16,215
Let's get one thing
straight.
145
00:06:16,250 --> 00:06:20,649
You're never gonna
fill Jimenez's shoes, ever.
146
00:06:20,683 --> 00:06:25,284
Jimenez was a good man,
better cop.
147
00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:27,017
Fill Jimenez's shoes?
148
00:06:27,051 --> 00:06:29,917
The tip of your dick
couldn't fill a bottle cap.
149
00:06:29,951 --> 00:06:33,317
I-I'm very sorry
if that came out wrong.
150
00:06:33,352 --> 00:06:34,883
I'm sure Jimenez
was a great cop.
151
00:06:34,918 --> 00:06:36,651
The best!
152
00:06:36,685 --> 00:06:38,618
Okay.
153
00:06:38,652 --> 00:06:40,584
Uh...
154
00:06:42,518 --> 00:06:44,384
So these prostitute murders--
155
00:06:44,418 --> 00:06:47,751
Um...
Seems like a serial killer.
156
00:06:47,786 --> 00:06:48,751
Could be.
157
00:06:48,786 --> 00:06:50,485
I actually
worked out a theory.
158
00:06:50,519 --> 00:06:54,552
I don't give a hobo's hat
about your theory.
159
00:06:54,587 --> 00:06:56,752
You think Jimenez
worked off of theories,
160
00:06:56,786 --> 00:07:00,018
like some kind
of a needle-dick Charles Darwin?
161
00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:02,851
Not on your ass.
162
00:07:02,885 --> 00:07:07,651
Jimenez always shot
straight from the dick.
163
00:07:07,685 --> 00:07:09,384
You think you're Jimenez?
164
00:07:09,418 --> 00:07:10,684
Absolutely not.
165
00:07:10,719 --> 00:07:12,051
You're goddamn right
you're not!
166
00:07:12,086 --> 00:07:13,085
I just said I'm--
167
00:07:13,119 --> 00:07:14,551
Jimenez
would've busted 20 perps
168
00:07:14,585 --> 00:07:16,717
in the time it'd take you
to pull up your pants
169
00:07:16,751 --> 00:07:20,651
over your itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny
yellow polka-dot ba-pee-pee.
170
00:07:20,685 --> 00:07:23,018
Two daughters,
raising 'em on his own.
171
00:07:23,053 --> 00:07:27,086
You want that job?
Huh, Mr. Babydick?
172
00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:28,286
What is going on?
173
00:07:28,321 --> 00:07:30,353
- You want to be their daddy?
- No!
174
00:07:30,387 --> 00:07:31,553
You know what?
I think--
175
00:07:31,588 --> 00:07:33,186
I think we got off
on the wrong foot.
176
00:07:33,221 --> 00:07:35,019
- Not Jimenez.
- Oh...
177
00:07:35,054 --> 00:07:36,653
Jimenez got off
on the right foot
178
00:07:36,688 --> 00:07:38,686
every goddamn day
of his goddamn life...
179
00:07:38,721 --> 00:07:39,686
Uh-huh.
180
00:07:39,721 --> 00:07:40,853
Which is more
than I can say
181
00:07:40,887 --> 00:07:43,019
for your
pebble-penis-havin' ass.
182
00:07:43,053 --> 00:07:44,952
- What?
- Jimenez wannabe!
183
00:07:44,986 --> 00:07:47,318
I can assure you
I don't want to be Jimenez!
184
00:07:47,353 --> 00:07:48,952
Why not?
What's wrong with Jimenez?
185
00:07:48,987 --> 00:07:50,152
There's nothing wrong
with Jimenez.
186
00:07:50,186 --> 00:07:51,218
Then why wouldn't you
want to be like him?
187
00:07:51,253 --> 00:07:52,552
I don't know.
You said--
188
00:07:52,587 --> 00:07:53,653
Smurf pecker!
189
00:07:53,687 --> 00:07:55,886
Okay, I'm out.
I can't--
190
00:07:55,921 --> 00:07:58,120
I can't make this work.
191
00:08:04,021 --> 00:08:06,357
Jimenez
would've made it work.
192
00:08:10,854 --> 00:08:13,304
Come back from Florida soon,
Jimenez.
193
00:08:16,497 --> 00:08:17,729
Jordan, would you say that
194
00:08:17,763 --> 00:08:20,029
there's a distinct possibility
that, perhaps,
195
00:08:20,064 --> 00:08:21,563
Star Wars might be
a little bit racist?
196
00:08:21,598 --> 00:08:23,263
- Oh, yes.
- Just a little bit.
197
00:08:23,298 --> 00:08:26,429
There's, like, two black guys
in the whole universe.
198
00:08:27,697 --> 00:08:29,228
Not only is it far, far away,
199
00:08:29,263 --> 00:08:31,893
it's clearly
a long, long time ago.
200
00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:33,460
Right.
201
00:08:33,495 --> 00:08:35,260
So last year we had--
202
00:08:35,294 --> 00:08:38,193
we had the incomparable
Billy Dee Williams on our show.
203
00:08:38,227 --> 00:08:39,293
Mm-hmm.
204
00:08:39,328 --> 00:08:40,894
And he's
in Empire Strikes Back.
205
00:08:40,928 --> 00:08:43,060
And his coolness makes it look
like he's in a different movie,
206
00:08:43,094 --> 00:08:44,527
'cause my man just
walks up talking about,
207
00:08:44,561 --> 00:08:47,862
"Hey, Han.
Chewbacca."
208
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:52,163
And they had
Samuel L. Jackson.
209
00:08:52,197 --> 00:08:54,130
My man had the first
purple lightsaber.
210
00:08:54,164 --> 00:08:56,196
Yeah.
211
00:08:56,231 --> 00:08:59,496
How you gonna
give Mace Windu
212
00:08:59,530 --> 00:09:03,229
a grape-flavored
lightsaber?
213
00:09:03,264 --> 00:09:04,996
What?
214
00:09:10,930 --> 00:09:14,330
Lando! What?
Oh, snap!
215
00:09:14,364 --> 00:09:16,063
Yo, Lando!
216
00:09:16,098 --> 00:09:17,330
Yo, Lando Calrissian!
217
00:09:17,365 --> 00:09:18,830
Oh, hi.
Yeah, that's me.
218
00:09:18,864 --> 00:09:22,263
Oh... dude!
Lando!
219
00:09:22,298 --> 00:09:26,430
Yo! Yo, you straight up running
Cloud City right now, dog!
220
00:09:26,464 --> 00:09:27,564
That's you, man!
221
00:09:27,598 --> 00:09:28,730
You out there just--
222
00:09:30,331 --> 00:09:31,296
Swoosh!
223
00:09:31,331 --> 00:09:33,430
Well, you know,
I-I do my best.
224
00:09:33,464 --> 00:09:36,162
Zeef, man. Zeef Howdo.
Big fan, big fan.
225
00:09:36,197 --> 00:09:39,162
Well, Zeef, it's real nice
to make your acquaintance.
226
00:09:39,197 --> 00:09:40,429
Straight up, though--
Straight up, man.
227
00:09:40,464 --> 00:09:42,764
You an inspiration
to all of us, man.
228
00:09:42,798 --> 00:09:45,697
You insp-- you're the reason
I'm out here in Cloud City, dog.
229
00:09:45,731 --> 00:09:47,030
- Man, I ain't even joking, man.
- That's nice.
230
00:09:47,065 --> 00:09:48,597
- But, yo, ideally, though?
- Yeah?
231
00:09:48,631 --> 00:09:51,329
Ideally--
On an ideal situation,
232
00:09:51,363 --> 00:09:52,729
I would be doing
like what you're doing.
233
00:09:52,764 --> 00:09:54,562
I'd be up there, like,
in the high chambers
234
00:09:54,597 --> 00:09:55,963
of Cloud City, dog.
235
00:09:55,997 --> 00:09:57,329
Well, Zeef,
it's nice to meet you.
236
00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:58,795
Yo, right on, man,
237
00:09:58,830 --> 00:10:00,262
'cause they got me
in the carbonite room
238
00:10:00,296 --> 00:10:01,329
right now, son.
239
00:10:01,363 --> 00:10:02,595
That's bull[bleep], right?
240
00:10:02,629 --> 00:10:04,929
They got me working
with some pig dudes and whatnot.
241
00:10:04,963 --> 00:10:06,729
Yo, I ain't no pig,
you know?
242
00:10:06,763 --> 00:10:08,096
And you ever notice, man,
243
00:10:08,130 --> 00:10:10,929
there ain't a lot of brothers
out here, man, in space.
244
00:10:10,963 --> 00:10:12,929
Right? It's like they're
trying to keep us down, man.
245
00:10:12,963 --> 00:10:15,862
You know, I-I don't think
that it's the policy.
246
00:10:15,897 --> 00:10:18,396
I just think it's
really, really difficult
247
00:10:18,431 --> 00:10:20,029
to get to this level.
248
00:10:20,063 --> 00:10:23,830
You've got to understand
the politics of the Empire
249
00:10:23,864 --> 00:10:24,996
and, at the same time,
250
00:10:25,030 --> 00:10:26,429
all the motivations
of the Rebel Alliance.
251
00:10:26,464 --> 00:10:27,763
- All that, man, all that.
- You've got--
252
00:10:27,797 --> 00:10:29,463
All that, all that,
all that, all that, all that.
253
00:10:29,497 --> 00:10:31,196
But ideally, though, man?
254
00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:33,763
Ideally, what I'm talking
about is, like, me and you--
255
00:10:33,798 --> 00:10:36,296
we should, like, do something
together, though, man,
256
00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:38,696
'cause if you think about it,
yo, when I was younger, man,
257
00:10:38,731 --> 00:10:40,763
I used to fly those landspeeders
all the time.
258
00:10:40,798 --> 00:10:42,763
My friends was like,
"Man, you should be piloting
259
00:10:42,798 --> 00:10:44,530
one of the X-Wings,"
right?
260
00:10:44,565 --> 00:10:45,964
And so that's,
like, disappointing, man,
261
00:10:45,998 --> 00:10:47,530
'cause I got here,
and they just had me, like,
262
00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:49,963
cleaning up the R2 units
after the X-Wings come in.
263
00:10:49,998 --> 00:10:51,929
Zeef, I got to go.
264
00:10:51,964 --> 00:10:53,529
You should prob--
Oh, no.
265
00:10:53,563 --> 00:10:56,029
Man, I'm saying, man,
how do we contact one another?
266
00:10:56,064 --> 00:10:57,063
'cause that's
the most important thing--
267
00:10:57,097 --> 00:10:58,396
that we contact one another,
268
00:10:58,431 --> 00:11:00,197
'cause, yo, look, man,
ideally, though?
269
00:11:00,231 --> 00:11:01,663
Ideally though?
270
00:11:01,697 --> 00:11:04,263
I would get to fly, somehow,
like, the Millennium Falcon.
271
00:11:04,298 --> 00:11:05,397
Like, that would be cool.
272
00:11:05,431 --> 00:11:07,296
And, yo, let me get you my--
like, my cont--
273
00:11:07,331 --> 00:11:08,996
I got my card
in here somewhere.
274
00:11:09,030 --> 00:11:10,096
Man, I'm just trying
275
00:11:10,130 --> 00:11:11,929
to find this, like,
pocket right here,
276
00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:14,096
'cause these--
sometimes, these suits,
277
00:11:14,130 --> 00:11:16,263
- they don't got no pockets.
- You know what, Zeef?
278
00:11:16,297 --> 00:11:18,697
Just give your information
to Lobot here,
279
00:11:18,731 --> 00:11:20,930
and we'll be in touch.
280
00:11:20,964 --> 00:11:22,096
Lobot?
281
00:11:22,131 --> 00:11:24,263
Man, I see how it is.
282
00:11:24,298 --> 00:11:26,330
I got to talk to your mandroid
right now?
283
00:11:26,364 --> 00:11:28,397
Man, [bleep] you, [bleep]!
284
00:11:28,431 --> 00:11:29,897
Little white-ass hair!
285
00:11:29,932 --> 00:11:31,964
Why you wearing a cape,
though, huh?
286
00:11:31,998 --> 00:11:34,164
Where you going,
the ice planet Hoth?
287
00:11:34,198 --> 00:11:37,231
Outrageous.
288
00:11:42,532 --> 00:11:44,398
Welcome to Metta World News.
289
00:11:44,432 --> 00:11:45,731
Our top story--
290
00:11:45,766 --> 00:11:47,765
The pope is thinking
of moving out the Vatican
291
00:11:47,799 --> 00:11:49,531
so feral cats
can live there.
292
00:11:49,565 --> 00:11:51,365
Now, let's go
to "Homemaker's Corner"
293
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:52,731
with Metta World Peace.
294
00:11:54,232 --> 00:11:55,364
Thank you, Metta.
295
00:11:55,399 --> 00:11:57,831
You need five
plastic grocery bags
296
00:11:57,865 --> 00:12:00,665
to make
an effective parachute.
297
00:12:00,698 --> 00:12:02,498
Thanks, Metta, and you will die
298
00:12:02,533 --> 00:12:03,998
if you try that.
299
00:12:04,032 --> 00:12:05,598
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
300
00:12:05,633 --> 00:12:09,598
for this Wednesday, November
Morning Star Cocktail Napkin.
301
00:12:09,633 --> 00:12:11,799
I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.
302
00:12:15,472 --> 00:12:16,804
You guys like jazz?
303
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:19,471
All right, yeah, yeah.
304
00:12:19,505 --> 00:12:20,938
We just think that jazz
is really great.
305
00:12:20,973 --> 00:12:22,271
It never tries
to be pop music.
306
00:12:22,305 --> 00:12:23,504
It's just like,
"Hey, man, deal with it.
307
00:12:23,539 --> 00:12:24,504
"If you don't like it--
308
00:12:28,287 --> 00:12:29,253
"I'm a genius."
309
00:12:29,287 --> 00:12:30,986
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
310
00:14:15,690 --> 00:14:16,756
Ahh...
311
00:15:42,791 --> 00:15:45,457
Wha...
312
00:16:40,231 --> 00:16:41,997
We, uh--we like
to give support
313
00:16:42,031 --> 00:16:44,498
to our gay brothers
and sisters.
314
00:16:44,533 --> 00:16:46,198
Yes, we do.
Lots of legislation--
315
00:16:46,233 --> 00:16:47,632
a lot of things
going their way recently.
316
00:16:47,666 --> 00:16:49,315
Having their civil rights
movement right now.
317
00:16:49,339 --> 00:16:51,838
Healthcare coming their way,
marriage coming their way.
318
00:16:51,873 --> 00:16:54,871
Now they can all get
within the bond
319
00:16:54,905 --> 00:16:57,337
of holy matrimony,
and then you too
320
00:16:57,371 --> 00:16:59,370
can be as miserable
as the rest of us.
321
00:16:59,405 --> 00:17:01,504
- That's right.
- So, by all means, please.
322
00:17:01,538 --> 00:17:04,771
It must've been hard for
the gay guy who was, you know,
323
00:17:04,805 --> 00:17:06,771
using the fact that
they couldn't get married
324
00:17:06,805 --> 00:17:09,971
as his excuse
to not get married.
325
00:17:10,006 --> 00:17:11,638
The day it got legal,
this guy was sweating bullets.
326
00:17:12,806 --> 00:17:14,005
Ow, yeah.
327
00:17:14,039 --> 00:17:16,805
We gettin' married!
328
00:17:16,839 --> 00:17:18,905
Is that--
Is that in every state?
329
00:17:18,939 --> 00:17:21,404
Oh, no.
330
00:17:21,439 --> 00:17:23,170
Oh, boy.
331
00:17:29,572 --> 00:17:31,371
Hello, Lashawn.
Hello, Carousel.
332
00:17:31,405 --> 00:17:33,538
Ooh, Sammy, Carousel
had another premonition.
333
00:17:33,572 --> 00:17:34,671
Oh, what was it this time?
334
00:17:34,705 --> 00:17:35,771
She says an ostrich
335
00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:37,304
is going to escape
from the zoo today.
336
00:17:37,338 --> 00:17:39,204
Nope, she heard that
on the news last night,
337
00:17:39,239 --> 00:17:41,571
so that's a thing that actually
happened in real life already.
338
00:17:41,606 --> 00:17:43,471
Okay, well,
better late than never.
339
00:17:43,505 --> 00:17:45,604
All right, well, go make daddy
some chamomile.
340
00:17:45,638 --> 00:17:46,637
Let's go. Mm.
341
00:17:46,672 --> 00:17:48,670
Come on, go around.
Use the Force.
342
00:17:48,705 --> 00:17:50,103
There you go.
343
00:17:50,137 --> 00:17:51,670
Lashawn.
344
00:17:51,704 --> 00:17:53,469
Lashawn, I just got this letter
from my insurance company.
345
00:17:53,504 --> 00:17:56,670
It looks like we are officially
on the same insurance.
346
00:17:56,704 --> 00:17:57,904
- What?
- Yes.
347
00:17:57,938 --> 00:17:59,138
Yes.
348
00:17:59,172 --> 00:18:01,005
- Sammy, we did it!
- I can't believe this.
349
00:18:01,039 --> 00:18:02,272
I mean, we're finally
350
00:18:02,306 --> 00:18:03,705
not gonna be treated
like second-class citizens.
351
00:18:03,740 --> 00:18:05,239
Oh, my God, I want to see,
I want to see, I want to see.
352
00:18:05,274 --> 00:18:06,538
I want-- No, don't show me.
Just tell me.
353
00:18:06,573 --> 00:18:07,805
What are we covered?
What are we covered?
354
00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:08,805
- How are we covered?
- It's good insurance.
355
00:18:08,839 --> 00:18:10,705
- We get dental and--
- Dental!
356
00:18:10,739 --> 00:18:13,005
Oh, my God, make me
an appointment right now, Sammy.
357
00:18:13,039 --> 00:18:14,472
No, Lashawn,
You got to take it--
358
00:18:14,506 --> 00:18:17,305
I'm gonna get a ruby filling
and a fang for apples.
359
00:18:17,340 --> 00:18:19,472
- A fang?
- Yes, a single, solitary fang
360
00:18:19,506 --> 00:18:21,005
for tricky fruits
and bottle caps.
361
00:18:21,039 --> 00:18:22,338
You understand that that's
kind of an elective procedure,
362
00:18:22,373 --> 00:18:23,838
- which means it wouldn't be--
- Oh, my God.
363
00:18:23,872 --> 00:18:26,104
Well, I'm going to proceed
to elect the fang
364
00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:27,505
- the president of my mouth.
- Okay.
365
00:18:27,539 --> 00:18:30,305
And then I'm going
to get my voice "loudened"!
366
00:18:30,339 --> 00:18:31,371
Voice "loudened."
367
00:18:31,406 --> 00:18:32,705
Yes, so I can...
368
00:18:32,740 --> 00:18:33,805
♪ talk to birds
369
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:35,272
All right,
so, well, I don't know
370
00:18:35,306 --> 00:18:36,706
if we're going to find a dentist
who can do that.
371
00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:38,405
Also, it's not covered
in this insurance
372
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:39,706
- Because it's the basic...
- Uh-huh, yeah.
373
00:18:39,740 --> 00:18:41,105
- Dental and vision.
- Uh-huh.
374
00:18:41,140 --> 00:18:43,039
Vision!
Did you say vision?
375
00:18:43,073 --> 00:18:44,873
- Oh, my God.
- I did say vision.
376
00:18:44,907 --> 00:18:46,472
Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy,
Sammy, Sammy, what?
377
00:18:46,506 --> 00:18:48,238
- Sammy, what? Sammy!
- That is my name.
378
00:18:48,273 --> 00:18:50,706
I'm gonna have one contact
that looks like a cat eye
379
00:18:50,740 --> 00:18:52,606
and another contact
that looks like a cat's face
380
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:53,606
that's missing an eye.
381
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:55,106
You don't wear contacts.
382
00:18:55,140 --> 00:18:56,606
I'm gonna have a third eye
that looks like the letter "I,"
383
00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:58,340
and it's gonna be in my eye,
and I'm gonna be like,
384
00:18:58,374 --> 00:19:00,807
"I... see you."
385
00:19:00,841 --> 00:19:02,640
Lashawn...
386
00:19:02,674 --> 00:19:04,973
You don't wear contacts,
so there's no reason--
387
00:19:05,008 --> 00:19:06,307
Well, I'm going to need
to wear contacts
388
00:19:06,341 --> 00:19:08,173
when I have my eyebrows redid
because they say
389
00:19:08,208 --> 00:19:09,906
that kind of procedure
will "scrumple" the corneas.
390
00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:12,806
You're not getting
your eyebrows redid, redone...
391
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:14,073
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Undone, done.
392
00:19:14,107 --> 00:19:15,606
I'm gonna have 'em
switched on my face,
393
00:19:15,641 --> 00:19:17,373
so when I get mad,
I look delighted!
394
00:19:17,407 --> 00:19:18,839
Do you understand
that insurance
395
00:19:18,873 --> 00:19:21,005
is only
for real medical problems?
396
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:22,372
And even then,
we have a deductible.
397
00:19:22,407 --> 00:19:24,506
I'm going to deduct
the fat from my ass
398
00:19:24,541 --> 00:19:25,606
and put it in my "fangles,"
399
00:19:25,641 --> 00:19:27,072
so when I wave,
I look like Mickey Mouse.
400
00:19:27,107 --> 00:19:28,406
Okay, all right.
401
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:30,272
Listen to what
I'm telling you right now.
402
00:19:30,306 --> 00:19:31,906
- What?
- Insurance is not for you
403
00:19:31,940 --> 00:19:33,839
to have the bottom half
of your body cut off
404
00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:36,105
and you sewn to a horse
so you can experience
405
00:19:36,139 --> 00:19:37,505
- what it's like to be a...
- centaur
406
00:19:37,540 --> 00:19:39,572
Oh, my God, Sammy,
that's a good idea.
407
00:19:39,606 --> 00:19:42,505
It's not a good idea because
you'd die almost immediately.
408
00:19:42,540 --> 00:19:44,773
Oh, it'd be worth it, Sammy.
It would be so worth it.
409
00:19:44,807 --> 00:19:47,106
Sammy, please,
tell me I can.
410
00:19:47,141 --> 00:19:49,640
I know that you want
to do that, but you can't do it.
411
00:19:49,674 --> 00:19:52,107
It's not covered
by the insurance.
412
00:19:52,141 --> 00:19:53,573
- Oh, Sammy! come on!
- It's not--
413
00:19:53,607 --> 00:19:55,873
Why you got to be the '80s
to my disco right now?
414
00:19:55,907 --> 00:19:57,939
- Why do you have to, hmm?
- I'm not trying--
415
00:19:57,974 --> 00:19:59,373
You don't. That's the answer.
You don't.
416
00:19:59,408 --> 00:20:01,440
I'm just trying to be
the reality to your dementia.
417
00:20:01,474 --> 00:20:02,906
I'm gonna
have two stomachs!
418
00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:04,173
I'm gonna get another stomach.
419
00:20:04,207 --> 00:20:06,440
One for cherries
and one for corn.
420
00:20:06,474 --> 00:20:07,873
- Oh, my God.
- That's right, Sammy.
421
00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:09,073
I'm gonna go
to couples therapy alone
422
00:20:09,108 --> 00:20:10,441
- and just play both parts.
- Yeah.
423
00:20:10,475 --> 00:20:11,608
I'm gonna
go to the gynecologist
424
00:20:11,642 --> 00:20:13,207
and just ask questions
till I get it.
425
00:20:13,242 --> 00:20:14,907
Oh, and I got
another question--
426
00:20:14,941 --> 00:20:16,607
a few questions
about how many different parts
427
00:20:16,642 --> 00:20:17,840
of your body
you can make blink.
428
00:20:17,874 --> 00:20:19,773
'cause I want to get
my "earlids" done
429
00:20:19,808 --> 00:20:21,139
and then my foot pockets.
430
00:20:21,174 --> 00:20:23,773
Foot pockets are this invention
I've been thinking of...
431
00:20:23,807 --> 00:20:25,106
where you can just put...
432
00:20:25,140 --> 00:20:26,740
your keys
up by your ankles.
433
00:20:26,774 --> 00:20:28,306
Then I'm gonna have a coaster
put in my shoulder,
434
00:20:28,340 --> 00:20:29,639
so when I go to a bar,
I can say,
435
00:20:29,674 --> 00:20:30,840
"You want a drink on me?"
436
00:20:30,874 --> 00:20:32,606
And then I'm just gonna
be, like, a monster,
437
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,040
and then for Halloween,
I'm gonna dress up
438
00:20:34,074 --> 00:20:35,506
like a normal human being.
439
00:20:35,540 --> 00:20:37,472
Thank you, everybody.
440
00:20:37,506 --> 00:20:39,006
You guys have--
You guys have been--
441
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:40,938
Uh, you guys
have been great tonight.
442
00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:43,337
And we just wanted
to say thank you
443
00:20:43,371 --> 00:20:45,837
and say good-bye
as well, and--
444
00:20:45,872 --> 00:20:48,804
Jimenez would never
have said good-bye.
445
00:20:50,239 --> 00:20:51,638
Good night, everybody.
446
00:20:56,073 --> 00:20:59,038
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
447
00:20:59,073 --> 00:21:01,205
Oh, yeah.
33152
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