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1
00:00:01,700 --> 00:00:03,461
I am here
with Ozamataz Buckshank,
2
00:00:03,486 --> 00:00:05,400
the rookie
out of Stanford University
3
00:00:05,459 --> 00:00:08,667
who is undoubtedly the MVP
of today's game
4
00:00:08,724 --> 00:00:10,954
with an interception that
he runs back for a touchdown
5
00:00:11,002 --> 00:00:13,443
in the last 30 seconds
of the contest.
6
00:00:13,478 --> 00:00:16,021
Ozamataz, can you walk us
through what happened
7
00:00:16,055 --> 00:00:17,153
in that last play?
8
00:00:17,188 --> 00:00:18,553
- It was amazing.
- Yeah, we knew we had to go
9
00:00:18,588 --> 00:00:20,957
out there, give 100%,
and we executed.
10
00:00:20,991 --> 00:00:22,192
It just went our way today.
11
00:00:22,226 --> 00:00:23,659
And was the quarterback
giving you
12
00:00:23,693 --> 00:00:25,758
any clues today, Oz?
13
00:00:25,793 --> 00:00:27,077
It looked like you knew
that ball was gonna be there.
14
00:00:27,102 --> 00:00:28,290
What was happening?
15
00:00:28,324 --> 00:00:31,224
We wanted to have some fun,
you know, execute.
16
00:00:31,258 --> 00:00:33,659
Play one quarter at a time,
give 100%.
17
00:00:33,693 --> 00:00:35,661
Oh--okay, okay.
You know, let's just--
18
00:00:35,695 --> 00:00:36,961
Let's talk
about last week's game.
19
00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:39,530
You guys lost a heartbreaker.
20
00:00:39,564 --> 00:00:42,233
Give me your state of mind,
then versus now.
21
00:00:42,267 --> 00:00:43,967
We wanted
to do it play by play,
22
00:00:44,001 --> 00:00:46,201
give it 100%,
execution-wise.
23
00:00:46,236 --> 00:00:48,269
- Execute.
- Okay.
24
00:00:48,303 --> 00:00:49,770
I'm gonna ask you something
completely different
25
00:00:49,805 --> 00:00:50,771
that's not about football.
26
00:00:50,806 --> 00:00:51,772
Look at me, Oz.
27
00:00:51,807 --> 00:00:52,973
just look at me for a second.
28
00:00:53,007 --> 00:00:54,008
I'm gonna ask you a question
right here.
29
00:00:54,042 --> 00:00:55,443
That a boy.
So you and your wife
30
00:00:55,477 --> 00:00:56,711
recently had--
right here.
31
00:00:56,746 --> 00:00:57,912
Stay with me.
32
00:00:57,946 --> 00:00:59,980
You and your wife
recently had twins, okay?
33
00:01:00,014 --> 00:01:01,781
How does it feel
to be a new dad?
34
00:01:01,816 --> 00:01:04,250
You know, we wanted to stay
As a team, execute,
35
00:01:04,284 --> 00:01:06,551
give 100%,
play by play.
36
00:01:06,585 --> 00:01:08,887
Okay, you know what,
I'm gonna just--I'm just gonna--
37
00:01:08,921 --> 00:01:10,789
I'm gonna do a little test
right now.
38
00:01:10,823 --> 00:01:13,189
Hey, Oz, how'd you get
to the game today?
39
00:01:13,224 --> 00:01:17,692
They a good team,
great team, 100%.
40
00:01:17,726 --> 00:01:19,493
And what'd you have
for dinner last night?
41
00:01:19,527 --> 00:01:20,695
- 100%.
- 100%. Yeah, you did.
42
00:01:20,729 --> 00:01:23,532
Of course.
100% of whatever 100% was.
43
00:01:23,567 --> 00:01:25,801
You know what,
can you just do me a favor
44
00:01:25,835 --> 00:01:27,502
and tell me
one specific thing?
45
00:01:27,536 --> 00:01:31,806
Like, just one actual, original
observation that you had
46
00:01:31,841 --> 00:01:33,874
about today's game?
47
00:01:33,909 --> 00:01:37,210
The game that you won
almost single-handedly.
48
00:01:37,245 --> 00:01:38,712
Do you think
that you could do that, Oz?
49
00:01:38,746 --> 00:01:41,014
- Oh, 100%.
- Oh, God damn it!
50
00:02:02,068 --> 00:02:04,203
- Hey.
- All right.
51
00:02:05,806 --> 00:02:07,506
Thank you.
52
00:02:09,742 --> 00:02:12,144
- All right.
- Thank you, everybody, so much.
53
00:02:12,178 --> 00:02:13,812
Thank you, thank you.
Welcome.
54
00:02:13,846 --> 00:02:15,946
- I am Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.
55
00:02:15,981 --> 00:02:19,250
And we are Key and Peele.
56
00:02:19,284 --> 00:02:20,918
Thank you.
57
00:02:20,953 --> 00:02:23,220
You guys know when Superman
and Batman
58
00:02:23,255 --> 00:02:25,322
meet in comic books
and TV shows?
59
00:02:25,357 --> 00:02:27,825
You know--if you're
a comic book fan. Yeah.
60
00:02:27,859 --> 00:02:29,193
They always meet,
and it's like they're equals.
61
00:02:29,227 --> 00:02:30,494
Yeah.
They're not equals.
62
00:02:30,529 --> 00:02:31,762
They're not equals.
No.
63
00:02:31,797 --> 00:02:33,331
They're, like,
if they're on a stakeout,
64
00:02:33,366 --> 00:02:35,000
like, what's Batman
supposed to do?
65
00:02:35,035 --> 00:02:37,303
There are the bad guys.
66
00:02:37,337 --> 00:02:38,737
I'll use my utility belt
Freeze--
67
00:02:38,771 --> 00:02:39,905
Got 'em.
68
00:02:39,939 --> 00:02:43,074
Okay.
69
00:02:44,443 --> 00:02:45,710
I'm gonna give you a tour
of Gotham.
70
00:02:45,745 --> 00:02:46,711
Please.
Of Gotham?
71
00:02:46,746 --> 00:02:47,879
- Yes.
- The city?
72
00:02:47,913 --> 00:02:49,614
Yeah, I was gonna get
in my Batwing...
73
00:02:49,648 --> 00:02:50,748
- Cool.
- and you and I could travel
74
00:02:50,783 --> 00:02:52,116
around,
fly through the sky.
75
00:02:52,150 --> 00:02:53,184
Oh, we don't need that.
76
00:02:53,218 --> 00:02:55,753
Just, what, you want
to climb on top?
77
00:02:55,787 --> 00:02:58,422
Come on.
78
00:02:58,457 --> 00:03:00,291
Get up on it.
79
00:03:00,326 --> 00:03:02,794
Jump up on it.
80
00:03:02,828 --> 00:03:05,296
Come on.
There you go.
81
00:03:06,665 --> 00:03:09,367
Is that--
Is that your utility belt
82
00:03:09,401 --> 00:03:11,702
I'm feeling?
83
00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:17,129
Hello, Skymall Magazine,
84
00:03:17,163 --> 00:03:18,430
this is Riyaz speaking.
85
00:03:18,465 --> 00:03:22,100
Hello, Riyaz.
I would like to report
86
00:03:22,134 --> 00:03:25,836
an item which I ordered
that arrived broken.
87
00:03:25,871 --> 00:03:28,640
Wendell Sanders,
Mockingbird Lane.
88
00:03:28,674 --> 00:03:30,341
That's right.
89
00:03:30,376 --> 00:03:32,410
I am showing the last item
that you received
90
00:03:32,444 --> 00:03:35,446
is the Superman bed
with the Mattress of Solitude.
91
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:36,647
That's the one.
92
00:03:36,681 --> 00:03:38,582
Ordered it for my son
for his birthday,
93
00:03:38,617 --> 00:03:41,118
but I cannot give it to him
like this.
94
00:03:41,152 --> 00:03:43,453
And I'm pretty darn-tootin'
pissed about it.
95
00:03:43,488 --> 00:03:44,755
I'm really sorry, sir.
96
00:03:44,789 --> 00:03:47,557
I will start processing
your reorder right now
97
00:03:47,592 --> 00:03:49,059
with you on the line, okay?
98
00:03:49,093 --> 00:03:51,061
I ain't mad at you, Riyaz.
99
00:03:51,095 --> 00:03:52,896
It's just the system.
I know.
100
00:03:52,930 --> 00:03:55,031
Okay. thank you
for understanding, sir.
101
00:03:55,065 --> 00:03:56,498
Kids, eh?
102
00:03:56,533 --> 00:03:58,767
Huh?
103
00:03:58,801 --> 00:04:03,038
Oh, ki--well, yeah,
I just got the one myself.
104
00:04:03,072 --> 00:04:06,207
Had sex with a woman
and everything to get him.
105
00:04:06,242 --> 00:04:07,509
How long is this gonna--
106
00:04:07,543 --> 00:04:08,710
What is your son's name?
107
00:04:08,744 --> 00:04:14,215
Oh, um...
108
00:04:14,250 --> 00:04:17,552
Stimpy.
109
00:04:17,586 --> 00:04:19,320
Pretty much Stimpy.
110
00:04:19,355 --> 00:04:20,455
I have boys too.
111
00:04:20,489 --> 00:04:22,056
I'll tell you,
sometimes they can be
112
00:04:22,090 --> 00:04:23,758
a real couple
of you know whats.
113
00:04:23,792 --> 00:04:24,892
[bleep] ass[bleep]?
114
00:04:24,927 --> 00:04:26,994
You're preaching
to the choir, Riyaz.
115
00:04:27,029 --> 00:04:30,098
Stimpy, don't you give me
that look.
116
00:04:30,132 --> 00:04:32,633
You're gonna get it
when your mama comes home.
117
00:04:32,668 --> 00:04:34,835
Oh, my,
sounds like your wife is...
118
00:04:34,870 --> 00:04:37,638
Bitch on wheels.
You got that straight, Riyaz.
119
00:04:37,673 --> 00:04:40,074
Hot little biscuit, though.
120
00:04:40,108 --> 00:04:41,409
Name's Claire.
121
00:04:41,443 --> 00:04:43,278
Body: ten,
face: ten.
122
00:04:43,312 --> 00:04:47,049
So pretty much hit that
every night.
123
00:04:47,083 --> 00:04:49,217
Sexually.
124
00:04:49,252 --> 00:04:51,320
Anyway,
what's holding up the--
125
00:04:51,354 --> 00:04:52,855
Oh, one moment.
126
00:04:52,889 --> 00:04:55,857
And how old is your son?
127
00:04:55,892 --> 00:04:59,228
- 15.
- 15?
128
00:04:59,262 --> 00:05:01,864
And he still wants
a Superman bed.
129
00:05:01,898 --> 00:05:04,867
Ah, a late-bloomer.
130
00:05:04,901 --> 00:05:07,136
Enjoy it
while you still can.
131
00:05:07,170 --> 00:05:09,338
He'll grow out of the toys
any day now.
132
00:05:09,372 --> 00:05:11,741
They all do,
and, the second
133
00:05:11,775 --> 00:05:13,342
he starts hooking up
with the girls,
134
00:05:13,377 --> 00:05:16,513
he'll forget all about that
Superman and Spider-Man stuff.
135
00:05:16,547 --> 00:05:19,249
Pretty much seems
like how it would happen.
136
00:05:19,284 --> 00:05:20,750
Maybe then
he'll stop bothering me
137
00:05:20,785 --> 00:05:23,987
with all those stupid, little
facts about how those characters
138
00:05:24,022 --> 00:05:26,123
you just named are clearly
from two distinct
139
00:05:26,157 --> 00:05:28,225
and separate universes.
140
00:05:28,259 --> 00:05:29,826
Sadly, some people
never move on.
141
00:05:29,860 --> 00:05:31,861
Sad?
I got a better word for you.
142
00:05:31,895 --> 00:05:32,862
Pathetic.
143
00:05:32,896 --> 00:05:34,697
Well,
I wouldn't say pathetic.
144
00:05:34,731 --> 00:05:38,067
Hey, I calls 'em
likes I sees 'em, Riyaz,
145
00:05:38,101 --> 00:05:40,870
and I don'st tolerate nerds.
146
00:05:40,904 --> 00:05:42,772
In fact, let me nip this
in the bud real quick.
147
00:05:42,806 --> 00:05:45,975
Stimpy, Stimpy,
get back in here.
148
00:05:46,010 --> 00:05:47,577
- Well, I didn't mean to--
- There you are
149
00:05:47,611 --> 00:05:51,280
with your round body
and your creepy-ass face.
150
00:05:51,315 --> 00:05:53,917
No more sweets for you, 'cause
you're never gonna get laid
151
00:05:53,951 --> 00:05:55,718
if you keeps eating sweets!
152
00:05:55,753 --> 00:05:58,021
And another thing!
153
00:05:58,055 --> 00:06:02,025
All these figurines and toys
you got around the house,
154
00:06:02,059 --> 00:06:03,626
we're throwing 'em
in the trash,
155
00:06:03,660 --> 00:06:05,528
'cause they're not real people,
Stimpy.
156
00:06:05,562 --> 00:06:08,731
They're not real people,
so stop being so lonely.
157
00:06:08,766 --> 00:06:12,101
Stop being so lonely.
158
00:06:16,774 --> 00:06:21,077
Well--and this is none
of my business, of course,
159
00:06:21,111 --> 00:06:27,083
but I was wondering if your son
would like to talk to someone.
160
00:06:27,117 --> 00:06:28,818
Oh, [bleep]!
161
00:06:28,852 --> 00:06:30,219
Stimpy just jumped
out the window.
162
00:06:30,253 --> 00:06:32,587
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, he killed himself.
163
00:06:32,622 --> 00:06:33,888
Why'd he do it?
It must have been my fault.
164
00:06:33,922 --> 00:06:34,889
No, it wasn't.
Yes, it was.
165
00:06:34,923 --> 00:06:36,056
I'm gonna call the cops.
166
00:06:36,091 --> 00:06:37,525
Don't you dare cancel
that reorder.
167
00:06:37,559 --> 00:06:40,961
It's the only thing
I'll have to remember him by.
168
00:06:51,886 --> 00:06:55,289
Hey, you remember
the anti-drug advertisements?
169
00:06:55,323 --> 00:06:56,990
- Yes.
- This is my favorite
170
00:06:57,025 --> 00:06:57,991
anti-drug ad.
171
00:06:58,026 --> 00:07:01,261
My favorite anti-drug ad was...
172
00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:03,630
"What is this?
173
00:07:03,665 --> 00:07:06,733
What is this, son?"
174
00:07:06,767 --> 00:07:10,236
You know.
"Found this in your room.
175
00:07:10,270 --> 00:07:13,439
"Marijuana!
176
00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:14,941
"Who taught you to do this?"
177
00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:18,412
"I learned it
from watching you, dad!"
178
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:31,057
If you're 14 and you see that,
where I'm from,
179
00:07:31,092 --> 00:07:32,692
You go, "That's the coolest dad
in the world."
180
00:07:32,726 --> 00:07:35,495
That's the coolest dad.
181
00:07:41,568 --> 00:07:43,503
Nobody likes you, you girl.
182
00:07:43,537 --> 00:07:45,506
Well, you're a different color
than me,
183
00:07:45,540 --> 00:07:46,907
and that's bad.
184
00:07:46,942 --> 00:07:48,910
Oh, yeah?
Well, you dress like--
185
00:07:48,944 --> 00:07:51,045
Now hold on a second!
186
00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:54,215
Whoa! Mr. T?
187
00:07:54,249 --> 00:07:56,183
Never make fun
of a way a man dresses.
188
00:07:56,218 --> 00:07:58,386
The way a man dresses
is his business.
189
00:07:58,420 --> 00:08:00,021
Remember that.
190
00:08:00,055 --> 00:08:01,990
Whether it's overalls,
chains,
191
00:08:02,024 --> 00:08:04,492
or feather earrings,
however they dress,
192
00:08:04,527 --> 00:08:05,994
it's not to be joked about.
193
00:08:06,028 --> 00:08:11,499
I pity the fool that judges
another man's clothing.
194
00:08:11,534 --> 00:08:12,867
I'm sorry
I judged your clothing.
195
00:08:12,902 --> 00:08:15,370
It's okay.
196
00:08:20,908 --> 00:08:23,443
Hey, Scout, there's a man
over there
197
00:08:23,477 --> 00:08:25,478
who said he'll give us candy
if we get in his van.
198
00:08:25,513 --> 00:08:28,147
Oh, I don't know
If that's a good idea, Timmy.
199
00:08:28,182 --> 00:08:29,983
What are you afraid of?
200
00:08:30,017 --> 00:08:32,785
Is it because you have
a stupid name like Scout?
201
00:08:32,820 --> 00:08:36,956
- Hey!
- Whoa! Mr. T again.
202
00:08:36,990 --> 00:08:38,524
Never make fun
of a person's name.
203
00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:40,226
Your mama gave you
that name,
204
00:08:40,260 --> 00:08:42,561
or you made it up
for business purposes.
205
00:08:42,595 --> 00:08:44,595
Either way, it's personal.
206
00:08:44,630 --> 00:08:47,231
I pity the fool that make fun
of another man's name.
207
00:08:47,265 --> 00:08:50,501
Mr. T's a cool name.
It's a cool name, Mr. T.
208
00:08:56,174 --> 00:08:58,042
Hey, Scout,
want to do some drugs?
209
00:08:58,076 --> 00:09:00,677
Aren't drugs bad?
210
00:09:00,712 --> 00:09:02,946
I don't know.
211
00:09:06,284 --> 00:09:07,384
If you're afraid of drugs,
212
00:09:07,418 --> 00:09:10,086
we could drink
a bunch of alcohol.
213
00:09:10,121 --> 00:09:12,689
Yum, that sounds good.
214
00:09:17,794 --> 00:09:20,897
Well, guess what,
your hair is stupid.
215
00:09:20,931 --> 00:09:23,199
Never make fun
of another person's hair!
216
00:09:23,234 --> 00:09:26,036
- Hey, Mr. T.
- A person's hair
217
00:09:26,070 --> 00:09:28,905
is the artwork that they present
to the heavens.
218
00:09:28,939 --> 00:09:31,240
It's just like
I've been saying...
219
00:09:36,079 --> 00:09:38,514
♪ Hair
220
00:09:38,549 --> 00:09:40,449
♪ It isn't fair
221
00:09:42,485 --> 00:09:45,754
♪ Beware
222
00:09:45,788 --> 00:09:47,789
♪ People care
About their hair ♪
223
00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:53,995
♪ "H" is for the home
where I lay my head ♪
224
00:09:54,029 --> 00:09:56,130
♪ And I cry
about your mean jokes ♪
225
00:09:56,165 --> 00:09:57,699
♪ in my bed
226
00:09:57,733 --> 00:10:01,135
♪ "A" is for anxiety
that fools provoke ♪
227
00:10:01,169 --> 00:10:05,206
♪ When they lookin' at my hair
and they makin' jokes ♪
228
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:08,843
♪ "I" is for I don't like
the way I feel ♪
229
00:10:08,877 --> 00:10:13,014
♪ When you're jokin' that
my haircut does not appeal ♪
230
00:10:13,048 --> 00:10:16,183
♪ "R" is for the real mean jokes
you make ♪
231
00:10:16,217 --> 00:10:21,155
♪ And the hurtful
little potshots that you take ♪
232
00:10:21,189 --> 00:10:23,891
And, for your information,
it's not even a haircut.
233
00:10:23,926 --> 00:10:27,562
It's a rare form
of male pattern baldness.
234
00:10:27,596 --> 00:10:30,498
You fools!
235
00:10:44,813 --> 00:10:45,812
For real.
236
00:10:53,921 --> 00:10:56,556
- What's up?
- Last night on Showtimes,
237
00:10:56,590 --> 00:10:59,893
I saw some Lethal Weapon 2.
238
00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:03,496
Lethal Weapon 2 starring
the racist-ass Melly Gibsons?
239
00:11:03,531 --> 00:11:06,667
I know, I know, but I got
to tell you right up front
240
00:11:06,701 --> 00:11:08,969
and truthfully,
241
00:11:09,003 --> 00:11:11,706
racist-ass Melly Gibsons
is still kind of my [bleep].
242
00:11:16,544 --> 00:11:17,844
He's still my [bleep], dog.
243
00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:20,747
I don't know, dog,
racist-ass Melly Gibsons?
244
00:11:20,782 --> 00:11:22,015
Dude, I know, I know,
but think about it, man.
245
00:11:22,050 --> 00:11:24,217
Think about it.
remember when he jacked up
246
00:11:24,252 --> 00:11:26,153
all them mutants
into Road Warriors?
247
00:11:26,187 --> 00:11:27,655
Talkin' about...
248
00:11:27,689 --> 00:11:29,390
Bitch was like, "There's
nothing in here but sand."
249
00:11:29,424 --> 00:11:31,125
- Yeah.
- And then remember
250
00:11:31,159 --> 00:11:33,594
when he had taken that hatchet
and chopped up
251
00:11:33,629 --> 00:11:36,397
all them Englands, remember,
in The Patriot?
252
00:11:36,431 --> 00:11:38,366
And did it in front
of all his kids.
253
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:41,702
You know what,
though?
254
00:11:41,736 --> 00:11:43,837
Racist-ass Melly Gibsons
is still my [bleep] too.
255
00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:45,205
- Dog.
- Remember when racist-ass
256
00:11:45,239 --> 00:11:47,840
Melly Gibsons was Blue Man Group
in Bravehearts?
257
00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:49,008
- Oh, my God, dogs.
- They was chopping off
258
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:50,276
my man's head.
259
00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:51,777
My man was still talking
about...
260
00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:53,412
freedom!
261
00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:56,716
Or what about
Conspiracy Theories, though?
262
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:58,851
- What? Oh, come on, man.
- What the [bleep]
263
00:11:58,886 --> 00:12:00,453
about Conspiracy Theories,
though?
264
00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:03,423
What the [bleep] about
Conspiracy Theories, though?
265
00:12:03,457 --> 00:12:06,259
What is going on?
266
00:12:06,294 --> 00:12:07,427
- Come on.
- You know racist-ass
267
00:12:07,462 --> 00:12:09,029
- Melly Gibsons be directing too.
- Hells, yeah.
268
00:12:09,063 --> 00:12:12,599
- What about Apocalypto?
- yo, racist-ass Melly Gibsons
269
00:12:12,634 --> 00:12:14,601
be telling the story
of a bunch of crazy-ass,
270
00:12:14,636 --> 00:12:15,869
old-fashioned Mexicans?
271
00:12:15,904 --> 00:12:16,904
who have been in the jungle
272
00:12:16,938 --> 00:12:18,672
getting chased by a panther.
273
00:12:18,706 --> 00:12:20,040
- Yeah, yeah.
- My man's straight up going...
274
00:12:24,579 --> 00:12:26,947
Man, and what about that
Passions of the Christ, though?
275
00:12:26,982 --> 00:12:28,048
Passions of the Christ,
though.
276
00:12:28,083 --> 00:12:29,283
Passions of the Christ.
277
00:12:29,317 --> 00:12:30,484
Passions of the Christ
where racist-ass
278
00:12:30,518 --> 00:12:31,652
Melly Gibsons made that movie
about Jesus
279
00:12:31,686 --> 00:12:33,087
in a kind of racist-ass way?
280
00:12:33,121 --> 00:12:34,154
- That was my jam.
- And you know
281
00:12:34,189 --> 00:12:35,456
what I just realized,
though?
282
00:12:35,490 --> 00:12:36,690
What's that, dog?
What's that?
283
00:12:36,725 --> 00:12:37,892
You know what would be
my [bleep]?
284
00:12:37,926 --> 00:12:39,360
What would be your [bleep],
though?
285
00:12:39,394 --> 00:12:40,962
If racist-ass Melly Gibsons
286
00:12:40,996 --> 00:12:43,898
costarred in a movie
with Jesus.
287
00:12:43,932 --> 00:12:46,867
Wait, now you talking
about the savior of all?
288
00:12:46,902 --> 00:12:49,303
The King of all Kings?
The Alpha and the Omega?
289
00:12:49,337 --> 00:12:51,739
And Jesus.
290
00:12:51,773 --> 00:12:54,274
That would be my...
291
00:12:54,309 --> 00:12:59,079
♪ [bleep]
292
00:13:08,787 --> 00:13:10,988
For this segment,
we're not gonna have
293
00:13:11,022 --> 00:13:12,856
a big, huge preamble here.
294
00:13:12,891 --> 00:13:16,894
I just simply want
to say that this scene,
295
00:13:16,929 --> 00:13:19,163
this offering if you will,
296
00:13:19,197 --> 00:13:21,865
is for the ladies.
297
00:13:25,097 --> 00:13:26,898
- What up, homies?
- Welcome to...
298
00:13:26,933 --> 00:13:28,500
- Cunnilingus class.
- I'm Shaboots Michaels.
299
00:13:28,535 --> 00:13:29,935
I'm T-Ray Tombstone.
300
00:13:29,970 --> 00:13:31,103
And we're here to teach y'all
how to...
301
00:13:31,138 --> 00:13:32,638
go down on bitches right.
302
00:13:32,672 --> 00:13:34,139
Now bitches ain't being
satisfied, so check it.
303
00:13:34,174 --> 00:13:35,908
Quit sucking
on that [bleep] so damn hard.
304
00:13:35,942 --> 00:13:37,276
Bitches don't like
that nonsense.
305
00:13:37,310 --> 00:13:38,544
That's like putting the tip
306
00:13:38,578 --> 00:13:39,845
of your penis
in the vacuum.
307
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:42,048
- Y'all need to...
- chill on the [bleep].
308
00:13:42,082 --> 00:13:44,183
- Go around that business.
- That's like a button
309
00:13:44,218 --> 00:13:45,552
made of a million penis tops.
310
00:13:45,586 --> 00:13:47,220
Now every bitch
like her cunnilingus
311
00:13:47,254 --> 00:13:49,289
- a little bit different.
- Vaginas are like snowflakes.
312
00:13:49,323 --> 00:13:51,591
Snowflakes is different.
Learn your bitch's snowflake.
313
00:13:51,625 --> 00:13:53,025
Ask your bitch
what she wants.
314
00:13:53,060 --> 00:13:54,761
Then do what she says.
315
00:13:54,795 --> 00:13:55,995
Some bitches like it
in circles.
316
00:13:56,030 --> 00:13:57,063
Some bitches
like it up and down.
317
00:13:57,097 --> 00:13:58,431
Some bitches like it hard.
318
00:13:58,465 --> 00:13:59,699
Some bitches like it soft.
319
00:13:59,733 --> 00:14:01,801
Communicate
with your bitches.
320
00:14:01,835 --> 00:14:03,069
Make the alphabet
with your tongue.
321
00:14:03,103 --> 00:14:05,404
A-B-C-D...
322
00:14:05,439 --> 00:14:06,572
And when she grab your hair
323
00:14:06,606 --> 00:14:07,873
like she gonna pull
your damn head off...
324
00:14:07,908 --> 00:14:09,776
stay with that letter.
325
00:14:09,810 --> 00:14:12,579
I'm talking about B...
326
00:14:12,613 --> 00:14:14,446
or D...
327
00:14:14,481 --> 00:14:16,448
Vaginas deserve respect.
328
00:14:16,482 --> 00:14:17,983
You don't want someone
slapping around
329
00:14:18,017 --> 00:14:20,652
your little homey.
330
00:14:20,686 --> 00:14:21,920
- You with the hat.
- Yo.
331
00:14:21,954 --> 00:14:23,288
How you like your BJs?
332
00:14:23,323 --> 00:14:25,957
Damn, dog,
all the time.
333
00:14:25,992 --> 00:14:27,592
Shut the [bleep] up!
334
00:14:27,627 --> 00:14:28,894
That's 'cause penises is easy,
335
00:14:28,928 --> 00:14:29,995
and vaginas is hard.
336
00:14:30,029 --> 00:14:32,597
- They're...
- confusing!
337
00:14:32,632 --> 00:14:35,067
Imagine there's an explosion
at the envelope factory.
338
00:14:35,101 --> 00:14:36,768
Flaps everywhere.
A world of flaps.
339
00:14:36,803 --> 00:14:38,937
And you need to lick your way
out the factory.
340
00:14:38,971 --> 00:14:40,639
But every bitch's flaps
is different.
341
00:14:40,673 --> 00:14:42,340
Learn your bitch's
particular flaps.
342
00:14:42,375 --> 00:14:44,876
- Flaps be...
- crazy!
343
00:14:44,910 --> 00:14:46,511
Every flap
need to be listened to.
344
00:14:46,545 --> 00:14:48,160
And then you will get out
of that factory alive.
345
00:14:48,232 --> 00:14:49,180
Stay down there.
346
00:14:49,215 --> 00:14:51,983
Plan your breathing
like your swimming.
347
00:14:52,018 --> 00:14:54,019
- You gotta be talking about...
- stroke, stroke, breathe.
348
00:14:54,053 --> 00:14:55,454
Stroke, stroke, breathe.
349
00:14:57,323 --> 00:14:58,690
All right.
Let's take a five-minute break.
350
00:14:58,725 --> 00:14:59,991
And when we come back,
we gonna talk
351
00:15:00,026 --> 00:15:01,226
about warming your bitches up
before you get busy.
352
00:15:01,260 --> 00:15:02,994
And how to last
for more than two damn minutes.
353
00:15:03,029 --> 00:15:04,429
Take a peach and practice.
354
00:15:04,463 --> 00:15:05,730
- Practice on a peach.
- Take a peach and practice.
355
00:15:05,764 --> 00:15:07,098
- Practice on a peach.
- Take a peach and practice.
356
00:15:07,132 --> 00:15:09,134
- Practice on a peach.
357
00:15:18,411 --> 00:15:21,380
Well, I think
it's gonna work.
358
00:15:21,415 --> 00:15:24,783
30 down,
3 billion to go.
359
00:15:35,132 --> 00:15:36,699
Welcome to Metta World News.
360
00:15:36,733 --> 00:15:39,602
Our top story--
ninja costumes don't come
361
00:15:39,637 --> 00:15:42,205
in size triple-X,
which is discriminatory
362
00:15:42,239 --> 00:15:45,007
against enormous assassins.
363
00:15:45,042 --> 00:15:48,944
Do you know what?
Forget about the teleprompter.
364
00:15:48,979 --> 00:15:51,446
I need to speak
from the heart.
365
00:15:51,481 --> 00:15:53,215
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
366
00:15:53,249 --> 00:15:55,317
for this Wednesday,
May Staple Gun Hairbrush.
367
00:15:55,351 --> 00:15:58,353
I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.
368
00:16:04,188 --> 00:16:05,789
I made this mistake
in the past.
369
00:16:05,823 --> 00:16:10,894
If there's any question whether
a woman's pregnant or not,
370
00:16:10,928 --> 00:16:12,963
just don't say [bleep]
about it.
371
00:16:12,997 --> 00:16:14,865
This is what happened to me.
Just be the woman.
372
00:16:14,899 --> 00:16:16,433
Hey, Jordan.
373
00:16:16,467 --> 00:16:18,368
I said,
"Oh, congratulations."
374
00:16:18,402 --> 00:16:20,170
Congratulations for what?
375
00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:27,945
Hoo-hoo.
376
00:16:27,979 --> 00:16:29,413
And now I'm at the point where,
I don't care
377
00:16:29,448 --> 00:16:30,614
how many signals I get,
378
00:16:30,649 --> 00:16:33,217
I just won't even say anything.
379
00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:37,855
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm with you.
380
00:16:39,458 --> 00:16:42,593
- It's contractions now.
- Yeah, I got some gas myself.
381
00:16:44,963 --> 00:16:48,065
- Oh, God.
- I'm gonna sit down with you.
382
00:16:48,099 --> 00:16:50,134
- Oh!
- I'm gonna sit down with you.
383
00:16:50,168 --> 00:16:53,304
Me and you are--
384
00:16:53,338 --> 00:16:54,472
Oh, that is...
385
00:16:54,507 --> 00:16:56,942
Looks like,
but I can't be sure...
386
00:16:56,977 --> 00:16:58,811
I can't be sure.
387
00:16:58,846 --> 00:17:00,146
Mwah.
388
00:17:00,180 --> 00:17:01,848
Okay, that's clearly a child.
389
00:17:01,882 --> 00:17:03,249
Congratulations
on your pregnancy.
390
00:17:03,283 --> 00:17:05,451
- I'm not pregnant. What the--
- What the--
391
00:17:09,156 --> 00:17:10,156
Thank you, sir.
392
00:17:10,190 --> 00:17:12,358
All right.
393
00:17:12,393 --> 00:17:15,629
All right, how's everybody--
How's everybody doing?
394
00:17:16,664 --> 00:17:17,831
All right,
and you guys
395
00:17:17,865 --> 00:17:19,565
- can all hear me okay?
- Yeah.
396
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:20,967
I know this guy
can right here.
397
00:17:21,001 --> 00:17:22,568
Boy, this guy's ears
are so big,
398
00:17:22,602 --> 00:17:24,069
He's laughing at jokes
from the Yuk-Yuk Club
399
00:17:24,104 --> 00:17:25,371
all the way
on the other side of town.
400
00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:28,074
All right.
401
00:17:28,108 --> 00:17:29,809
And you, sir,
you're doing okay?
402
00:17:29,843 --> 00:17:31,645
And you're getting enough
to eat?
403
00:17:31,679 --> 00:17:32,946
Is that even possible?
404
00:17:34,583 --> 00:17:35,783
Thank you, sir.
405
00:17:35,817 --> 00:17:36,851
Folks, I'm sorry,
406
00:17:36,885 --> 00:17:38,018
I'm gonna get everybody tonight.
407
00:17:38,053 --> 00:17:40,354
Nobody is safe.
I'm getting everybody.
408
00:17:40,388 --> 00:17:42,155
Except for you, sir.
I'm gonna leave you alone.
409
00:17:42,190 --> 00:17:44,992
Just like your date did tonight.
Hello!
410
00:17:45,026 --> 00:17:46,293
Huh?
All right.
411
00:17:46,328 --> 00:17:47,895
Okay, who's next?
412
00:17:47,929 --> 00:17:51,365
Who is next?
413
00:17:55,436 --> 00:18:00,775
Hey, ma'am, I get it,
you have breasts, okay?
414
00:18:00,809 --> 00:18:01,909
Jeez, I mean,
look at this chick over here.
415
00:18:01,944 --> 00:18:03,344
Her cleavage is giving
the Grand Canyon
416
00:18:03,379 --> 00:18:05,213
an inferiority complex.
417
00:18:08,150 --> 00:18:11,119
You skipped me.
418
00:18:11,153 --> 00:18:12,720
Who's talking right now?
419
00:18:12,754 --> 00:18:14,788
Do me.
420
00:18:14,823 --> 00:18:16,957
Yeah, hey, man.
421
00:18:16,992 --> 00:18:19,427
Look at that pink shirt
you got on there.
422
00:18:19,461 --> 00:18:24,098
Wow, where'd you get that?
Queertshirts.com?
423
00:18:24,133 --> 00:18:28,436
It's in support
Of breast cancer awareness.
424
00:18:28,470 --> 00:18:30,971
I am gay, though.
425
00:18:31,006 --> 00:18:32,039
Okay.
426
00:18:32,073 --> 00:18:33,140
Go for it.
427
00:18:33,175 --> 00:18:35,509
I can take it.
428
00:18:35,543 --> 00:18:38,411
Hmm?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
429
00:18:38,446 --> 00:18:41,147
No, hey, yeah, don't you worry
about that, man.
430
00:18:41,182 --> 00:18:42,549
Gloves are coming off.
431
00:18:42,583 --> 00:18:45,586
Okay.
432
00:18:45,620 --> 00:18:49,023
Right there, right there, what's
with the three drinks, man?
433
00:18:49,057 --> 00:18:51,192
Alcoholic much?
434
00:18:51,226 --> 00:18:53,728
This
is my pain medication.
435
00:18:53,762 --> 00:18:56,130
Of [bleep] course it is.
436
00:18:56,164 --> 00:18:57,998
It's your pain medication.
437
00:18:58,033 --> 00:19:02,571
'cause he is in pain.
438
00:19:02,605 --> 00:19:04,306
Right now.
439
00:19:04,340 --> 00:19:08,844
Make fun of the burns.
440
00:19:08,878 --> 00:19:10,779
Make fun of the--
What did you say?
441
00:19:10,814 --> 00:19:14,717
Because here's the problem, sir,
is it's really dark in here,
442
00:19:14,751 --> 00:19:16,685
and, sorry, are you burned?
Because I can't make it out.
443
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,487
Thanks so much, ma'am,
for illuminating him.
444
00:19:18,521 --> 00:19:21,790
Thank you.
That's--I appreciate that.
445
00:19:21,825 --> 00:19:26,095
- Oh, those burns.
- Make fun of the robot voice.
446
00:19:26,129 --> 00:19:28,164
Sir, I don't know.
447
00:19:28,198 --> 00:19:29,666
Come on,
I can take it.
448
00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:31,702
Okay, well, no,
You know what?
449
00:19:31,736 --> 00:19:33,170
- I feel--
- Or the wheelchair.
450
00:19:33,204 --> 00:19:36,039
Look, sir,
there is nothing funny
451
00:19:36,073 --> 00:19:37,774
about you being
in a wheelchair,
452
00:19:37,808 --> 00:19:39,976
- and we can all--
- Oh, but there is something
453
00:19:40,010 --> 00:19:42,578
funny about me being fat?
454
00:19:42,612 --> 00:19:44,046
- All right.
All right, fine.
455
00:19:44,081 --> 00:19:45,314
Fine. I've got it.
I've got it.
456
00:19:45,349 --> 00:19:46,782
I'm doing it.
I'm doing it.
457
00:19:46,817 --> 00:19:48,184
I just didn't want to go
after this guy
458
00:19:48,218 --> 00:19:52,722
'cause I didn't want him
to kill me in my dreams.
459
00:19:52,756 --> 00:19:54,424
Like Freddy Krueger.
460
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:57,027
Come on.
461
00:19:57,061 --> 00:19:58,728
'cause--no?
462
00:19:58,763 --> 00:20:02,765
You know, 'cause how Freddy
Krueger's face is burned off.
463
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:05,202
That's not...
464
00:20:14,679 --> 00:20:19,282
- You ass[bleep].
- He said he could take it.
465
00:20:19,316 --> 00:20:20,350
That's what he said.
466
00:20:20,384 --> 00:20:22,819
I thought I could,
but I can't.
467
00:20:22,853 --> 00:20:24,321
How is this on me?
468
00:20:24,355 --> 00:20:26,489
How do we even know
if he's crying right now?
469
00:20:29,493 --> 00:20:31,327
I don't know that sound.
470
00:20:31,361 --> 00:20:33,795
It just sounds
like an electronic sound.
471
00:20:33,830 --> 00:20:37,566
The tears,
they burn.
472
00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:41,703
He said he could take it.
He s--
473
00:20:45,641 --> 00:20:48,443
Fellows, gentlemen,
it's time for you to go home
474
00:20:48,478 --> 00:20:49,578
and practice on a peach.
475
00:20:49,612 --> 00:20:50,779
Take a peach and practice.
476
00:20:50,814 --> 00:20:52,481
Take a peach
and practice.
477
00:20:52,515 --> 00:20:54,116
- There you go.
- There's a peach for you.
478
00:20:54,150 --> 00:20:55,450
- Take a peach and practice.
- Peach.
479
00:20:55,485 --> 00:20:58,820
- Peach.
- Got one? Got one?
480
00:20:58,854 --> 00:21:01,631
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
481
00:21:01,713 --> 00:21:03,680
Oh, yeah.
34971
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