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1
00:00:02,222 --> 00:00:03,452
But I don't care.
2
00:00:03,659 --> 00:00:04,862
No, but I don't care.
3
00:00:04,896 --> 00:00:06,400
And I'm trying to help
people out over here.
4
00:00:06,434 --> 00:00:08,307
No, okay, you know what,
Jaqueline?
5
00:00:08,341 --> 00:00:09,544
No, I don't know. What?
6
00:00:09,579 --> 00:00:11,547
You need to think about
yourself sometimes,
7
00:00:11,582 --> 00:00:12,882
before you start
insinuating yourself
8
00:00:12,917 --> 00:00:14,117
in other people's business.
9
00:00:14,151 --> 00:00:15,989
Well, you know what,
Deenyce?
10
00:00:16,023 --> 00:00:17,426
I'm gonna insinuate myself
11
00:00:17,461 --> 00:00:18,629
whenever and wherever
I please,
12
00:00:18,663 --> 00:00:20,364
'cause it's
a free country, bitch.
13
00:00:20,399 --> 00:00:22,166
Ooh.
14
00:00:22,201 --> 00:00:23,167
- Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
15
00:00:23,202 --> 00:00:24,401
- Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
16
00:00:24,436 --> 00:00:25,771
Uh-uh. Okay.
You know what?
17
00:00:25,805 --> 00:00:27,073
Oh, we doin' this?
18
00:00:27,108 --> 00:00:28,775
Yeah, we doing this.
Okay, so we gonna--here, baby.
19
00:00:28,810 --> 00:00:30,612
Yeah, we are about
to fight now.
20
00:00:30,646 --> 00:00:32,681
Bring it on then, bitch.
Let's go.
21
00:00:32,715 --> 00:00:34,416
I ain't even playin'.
22
00:00:34,450 --> 00:00:35,684
'cause you know what?
23
00:00:35,718 --> 00:00:37,153
- Step to me then, go ahead.
- I wish you would...
24
00:00:37,187 --> 00:00:38,355
- Step to me.
- Step up...
25
00:00:38,389 --> 00:00:39,456
No, I would love for you
to step to me,
26
00:00:39,490 --> 00:00:40,826
- I really would.
- To me right now, bitch.
27
00:00:40,861 --> 00:00:42,196
But you're just talkin',
that's the problem.
28
00:00:42,230 --> 00:00:43,833
I don't even care no more.
29
00:00:43,867 --> 00:00:45,603
And you're talking though,
and that's all you're doing.
30
00:00:45,637 --> 00:00:48,173
- Call me a bitch again.
- Oh, yeah?
31
00:00:48,207 --> 00:00:49,341
- Call me a bitch again.
- Okay.
32
00:00:49,375 --> 00:00:50,342
- No, see what happens.
- Your wish is granted.
33
00:00:50,377 --> 00:00:51,344
See what happens.
34
00:00:51,378 --> 00:00:52,479
I would like
to see what happens.
35
00:00:52,514 --> 00:00:55,985
I would love to see
what happens.
36
00:00:56,020 --> 00:00:57,321
- Oh, you do?
- Oh, absolutely.
37
00:00:57,355 --> 00:01:00,057
So why don't you come
and bring it then, bitch?
38
00:01:00,092 --> 00:01:01,660
Ooh.
39
00:01:01,694 --> 00:01:02,894
See, no.
40
00:01:02,929 --> 00:01:05,364
You are riding
my last nerve.
41
00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:07,000
And I ain't even playin'
no more.
42
00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:10,204
I am not even playin'
no more.
43
00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:11,206
Oh, it's on?
44
00:01:11,241 --> 00:01:12,375
Then let's do something,
okay?
45
00:01:12,409 --> 00:01:13,477
You wanna go?
46
00:01:13,511 --> 00:01:15,747
Ooh.
47
00:01:15,782 --> 00:01:16,982
Uh-uh.
48
00:01:17,016 --> 00:01:18,650
Huh?
There we go.
49
00:01:18,685 --> 00:01:20,119
Let's do something.
50
00:01:20,153 --> 00:01:21,354
Uh-uh.
51
00:01:21,388 --> 00:01:24,424
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-uh.
52
00:01:24,458 --> 00:01:26,126
It's uh-huh.
It's uh-huh.
53
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:27,394
Uh-uh.
54
00:01:27,428 --> 00:01:29,597
Let's do something, bitch.
55
00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:31,799
What?
56
00:01:41,428 --> 00:01:43,724
Ooh.
57
00:01:44,479 --> 00:01:47,515
We told you
not to mess with us, bitch!
58
00:01:51,288 --> 00:01:52,822
Y'all just saw that bitch
59
00:01:52,857 --> 00:01:55,024
turn into two little girls,
right?
60
00:02:17,284 --> 00:02:20,753
Whoo! Whoo!
61
00:02:20,788 --> 00:02:24,057
Yeah. Oh.
62
00:02:24,092 --> 00:02:26,260
- All right.
- Thank you.
63
00:02:26,294 --> 00:02:27,661
Thanks for being here, guys.
64
00:02:27,696 --> 00:02:29,296
- I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.
65
00:02:29,331 --> 00:02:30,297
And we're Key and Peele.
66
00:02:30,332 --> 00:02:31,632
Thank you for coming.
67
00:02:33,836 --> 00:02:34,936
You guys know
the Super Bowl Shuffle.
68
00:02:34,970 --> 00:02:36,404
Do you remember that?
69
00:02:36,438 --> 00:02:38,907
Yeah, unless you weren't born
in 1985.
70
00:02:38,941 --> 00:02:40,676
It was the '85 Bears.
71
00:02:40,710 --> 00:02:42,711
Put out this rap video,
72
00:02:42,745 --> 00:02:45,581
just saying how much
badasses they were.
73
00:02:45,615 --> 00:02:47,449
How bad--
how badass they were.
74
00:02:47,484 --> 00:02:49,685
No athlete has ever
been able to rap,
75
00:02:49,719 --> 00:02:51,120
and it sounds good.
76
00:02:51,154 --> 00:02:52,455
- It just doesn't happen.
- Right.
77
00:02:52,489 --> 00:02:54,657
There's something about
multiple concussions
78
00:02:54,692 --> 00:02:56,426
that just doesn't--
79
00:02:56,460 --> 00:02:59,195
it isn't conducive
to rhyming well.
80
00:02:59,229 --> 00:03:00,730
You don't just get to put
on the headphones and go,
81
00:03:00,765 --> 00:03:04,534
"Yeah, I gotta live it,
s-so I can give it."
82
00:03:04,569 --> 00:03:06,336
Nope.
83
00:03:06,371 --> 00:03:07,538
We gotta take it from the top
84
00:03:07,572 --> 00:03:08,739
'cause you messed up
the line, man.
85
00:03:08,773 --> 00:03:10,341
- Yeah, okay.
- Live it, do it.
86
00:03:10,375 --> 00:03:11,342
That's your only line.
87
00:03:11,377 --> 00:03:12,344
- All right. Mm-hmm.
- Ready? Go.
88
00:03:12,378 --> 00:03:13,411
We got do it and--
89
00:03:13,446 --> 00:03:14,746
- Nope.
- Gravitate toward it.
90
00:03:14,780 --> 00:03:17,115
You already--why are you
adding "gravitate?"
91
00:03:17,149 --> 00:03:18,483
- Okay. Mm-hmm.
- Now, Flavius...
92
00:03:18,517 --> 00:03:20,218
- Yes, yes.
- Can you just say four words?
93
00:03:20,253 --> 00:03:21,520
- Mm-hmm.
- And then we're gonna be good?
94
00:03:21,554 --> 00:03:24,123
- Four words!
- No, this--
95
00:03:29,062 --> 00:03:30,463
Hey, Jadinkalage?
96
00:03:30,497 --> 00:03:32,732
Yeah, L'Carpetron?
97
00:03:32,766 --> 00:03:36,603
Check out Leoz.
98
00:03:36,638 --> 00:03:38,605
I wonder what
he's dreaming about?
99
00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:42,209
He is probably dreaming
about what we is gonna do
100
00:03:42,243 --> 00:03:45,011
to the team from the West.
101
00:03:45,046 --> 00:03:47,814
I wonder.
102
00:03:56,291 --> 00:03:57,391
♪ T'Variusness ♪
103
00:03:57,425 --> 00:03:58,459
♪ T-King for short ♪
104
00:03:58,493 --> 00:03:59,527
♪ I'm a bad mamma-jamma ♪
105
00:03:59,561 --> 00:04:00,761
♪ and an awful sport ♪
106
00:04:00,796 --> 00:04:01,796
♪ Smoochie-Wallace ♪
107
00:04:01,830 --> 00:04:03,197
♪ You can call me Tyroil ♪
108
00:04:03,231 --> 00:04:05,499
♪ Rappin' up rushes
like aluminum foil ♪
109
00:04:05,534 --> 00:04:06,500
♪ McCringleberry ♪
110
00:04:06,535 --> 00:04:07,701
♪ I'm very scary ♪
111
00:04:07,736 --> 00:04:09,837
♪ If I got the ball
you best be wary ♪
112
00:04:09,871 --> 00:04:11,939
♪ L'Carpetron Dookmarriot ♪
113
00:04:11,973 --> 00:04:14,074
♪ I love the ball so much
I wanna marry it ♪
114
00:04:14,109 --> 00:04:17,044
♪ 'cause the Eastern
school's ♪
115
00:04:17,078 --> 00:04:19,947
♪ gonna beat the fools
from the West ♪
116
00:04:19,981 --> 00:04:23,250
Oh, yeah.
117
00:04:23,285 --> 00:04:24,952
♪ Where football's
concerned ♪
118
00:04:24,986 --> 00:04:28,756
♪ We gonna show you
that we are the best ♪
119
00:04:28,791 --> 00:04:32,126
♪ We are the best ♪
120
00:04:32,161 --> 00:04:34,596
♪ I'm Ibrahim Moizoos ♪
121
00:04:34,630 --> 00:04:36,898
♪ And my rhymes are clean
like my name is Dr. Seuss ♪
122
00:04:36,932 --> 00:04:38,199
♪ Probincrux III ♪
123
00:04:38,233 --> 00:04:39,200
♪ They call me "The Probe" ♪
124
00:04:39,234 --> 00:04:40,434
♪ I can intercept balls ♪
125
00:04:40,469 --> 00:04:41,535
♪ With my earlobe ♪
126
00:04:41,570 --> 00:04:42,670
♪ Shower-Handel ♪
127
00:04:42,704 --> 00:04:44,037
♪ That's my name ♪
128
00:04:44,072 --> 00:04:45,739
♪ Power candle sounds the same ♪
129
00:04:45,773 --> 00:04:47,140
- ♪ With Jackmerius ♪
- ♪ D'Squarius ♪
130
00:04:47,175 --> 00:04:48,142
♪ And Javarison-Lamar ♪
131
00:04:48,176 --> 00:04:49,509
♪ Flaxon-Waxon plays sax and
132
00:04:49,544 --> 00:04:51,258
♪ D'Marcus plays guitar
133
00:04:53,047 --> 00:04:55,515
♪ 'cause the Eastern school's
134
00:04:55,549 --> 00:04:57,950
♪ Gonna beat the fools
from the West ♪
135
00:04:58,809 --> 00:04:59,852
♪ Okay ♪
136
00:04:59,887 --> 00:05:00,917
♪ Don't you know ♪
137
00:05:01,622 --> 00:05:03,389
♪ Where football's concerned ♪
138
00:05:03,423 --> 00:05:07,260
♪ We gonna show you
that we are the best ♪
139
00:05:07,294 --> 00:05:09,161
♪ Indeedy, we are the best ♪
140
00:05:13,341 --> 00:05:14,974
It must have been
all a dream.
141
00:05:18,537 --> 00:05:19,540
Or was it?
142
00:05:27,212 --> 00:05:29,219
Oh, it's on.
143
00:05:35,221 --> 00:05:36,354
♪ What's up, y'all ♪
144
00:05:36,389 --> 00:05:37,489
♪ It's Jefferspin ♪
145
00:05:37,523 --> 00:05:38,723
♪ I'm the big left tackle ♪
146
00:05:38,758 --> 00:05:39,924
♪ Gonna help us win ♪
147
00:05:39,959 --> 00:05:42,393
♪ X-Wing @Aliciousness ♪
148
00:05:42,427 --> 00:05:45,196
♪ I'll use my force
to give the East distress ♪
149
00:05:45,230 --> 00:05:46,865
♪ L'Goodling-Splatt is
where it's at ♪
150
00:05:46,899 --> 00:05:49,901
♪ Running through defenders
and padding my stats ♪
151
00:05:49,936 --> 00:05:51,069
♪ Y'all know me ♪
152
00:05:51,104 --> 00:05:52,437
♪ I'm Washingbeard ♪
153
00:05:52,472 --> 00:05:55,107
♪ Catch so many balls
it's a little weird ♪
154
00:05:55,141 --> 00:05:58,377
♪ 'cause you know we gonna
win against the East ♪
155
00:05:58,411 --> 00:05:59,612
♪ Listen what we said ♪
156
00:05:59,646 --> 00:06:01,013
♪ We gonna get
the most points ♪
157
00:06:01,048 --> 00:06:02,582
♪ And they gonna get the least ♪
158
00:06:02,616 --> 00:06:04,817
♪ Just tryin' to calm the
voices running through my head ♪
159
00:06:04,851 --> 00:06:06,118
♪ Back it up ♪
160
00:06:06,153 --> 00:06:07,453
♪ It's Hardunkichud ♪
161
00:06:07,487 --> 00:06:10,088
♪ I hit the Q.B. and make
a noise like thud ♪
162
00:06:10,123 --> 00:06:12,391
♪ Can't block me
and all of that jazz ♪
163
00:06:12,425 --> 00:06:14,994
♪ 'cause y'all don't want none
of this Ozamataz ♪
164
00:06:15,029 --> 00:06:16,062
♪ The Player... ♪
165
00:06:16,097 --> 00:06:17,664
♪ T.J. A.J. ♪
166
00:06:17,698 --> 00:06:18,932
♪ Formerly Known... ♪
167
00:06:21,402 --> 00:06:22,368
♪ Lewith ♪
168
00:06:22,402 --> 00:06:23,369
♪ As Mousecop ♪
169
00:06:23,403 --> 00:06:24,603
♪ and Donkey Teeth ♪
170
00:06:24,638 --> 00:06:25,704
♪ I'm the touchdown man ♪
171
00:06:25,739 --> 00:06:26,805
♪ That's Grundelplith ♪
172
00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:28,140
♪ But y'all ain't ready ♪
173
00:06:28,174 --> 00:06:29,775
♪ For my man Dan Smith ♪
174
00:06:30,332 --> 00:06:31,873
♪ Yo yo ♪
175
00:06:32,512 --> 00:06:33,433
♪ Smith comma Daniel ♪
176
00:06:33,446 --> 00:06:35,167
♪ Other kickers in the League
don't hold a candle ♪
177
00:06:35,249 --> 00:06:36,549
♪ Cheerleaders up on
my chocolate crotch ♪
178
00:06:36,584 --> 00:06:37,951
♪ Those goddamn
baby cocker spaniel ♪
179
00:06:37,985 --> 00:06:39,285
♪ B.Y.U.
why you be ♪
180
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:40,553
♪ Mad 'cause the bitches
wanna get with me ♪
181
00:06:40,588 --> 00:06:42,160
♪ Got Swisher Sweets
and dutchies rollin on' ♪
182
00:06:42,211 --> 00:06:43,089
♪ No other team can touch these ♪
183
00:06:43,123 --> 00:06:44,590
♪ Hittin' field goals
blunted ♪
184
00:06:44,625 --> 00:06:45,725
♪ Been drunk when I punted ♪
185
00:06:45,759 --> 00:06:46,959
♪ Been like a hundred times ♪
186
00:06:46,994 --> 00:06:48,428
♪ That I already done it ♪
187
00:06:48,462 --> 00:06:49,729
♪ Oh, [bleep] ♪
188
00:06:49,763 --> 00:06:51,097
♪ See these haters
thought I was playin' ♪
189
00:06:51,131 --> 00:06:52,599
♪ Stayin' away from my faces ♪
190
00:06:52,633 --> 00:06:53,867
♪ With all the bull[bleep]
they sayin' ♪
191
00:06:53,901 --> 00:06:55,435
♪ But just remember
who you tauntin' ♪
192
00:06:55,469 --> 00:06:56,807
♪ When you tossin'
those gauntlets ♪
193
00:06:56,845 --> 00:06:59,713
♪ I'm Dan Smith and the West is
gettin' rowdy like monsters ♪
194
00:07:06,511 --> 00:07:08,011
Question for you.
195
00:07:08,046 --> 00:07:11,248
Why do black people
love mafia stuff so much?
196
00:07:11,282 --> 00:07:12,916
We do, right?
197
00:07:12,950 --> 00:07:15,585
- Goodfellas, Godfather.
- Godfather.
198
00:07:15,620 --> 00:07:17,053
Godfather II, God--
199
00:07:17,088 --> 00:07:19,156
Mm, on the third one, but...
200
00:07:19,190 --> 00:07:22,759
We are very tolerant,
considering that
201
00:07:22,794 --> 00:07:25,929
uh, mafia--mobsters are the most
racist people in America.
202
00:07:25,963 --> 00:07:27,096
- Hands down.
- Right?
203
00:07:27,131 --> 00:07:29,131
They say the N-word
more than we do.
204
00:07:29,166 --> 00:07:30,566
Yeah, it's crazy.
205
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,502
I mean, if you date
a mobster's sister...
206
00:07:33,536 --> 00:07:34,703
You will wake up
207
00:07:34,738 --> 00:07:36,172
with that bitch's head
in your bed.
208
00:07:37,532 --> 00:07:39,116
They're, like, the most
cold-blooded people
209
00:07:39,143 --> 00:07:40,443
- in the world.
- They just don't give a [bleep].
210
00:07:40,477 --> 00:07:41,878
They don't.
211
00:07:41,912 --> 00:07:43,980
- That's their motto.
- You laughed,
212
00:07:44,014 --> 00:07:47,883
but we're--we're gonna get shot
after we walk off the stage.
213
00:07:51,981 --> 00:07:53,282
I'm tellin' you, Vinny,
214
00:07:53,316 --> 00:07:55,918
no disrespect to your
dearly departed grandmother,
215
00:07:55,952 --> 00:07:59,015
but my aunt makes
a pasta--forget about it.
216
00:08:00,057 --> 00:08:02,225
Your aunt lives
in this neighborhood?
217
00:08:02,259 --> 00:08:04,927
Seems kinda dangerous.
218
00:08:04,962 --> 00:08:08,197
What are you,
McGruff the crime dog?
219
00:08:08,232 --> 00:08:10,408
Come on, we're late already.
220
00:08:11,769 --> 00:08:15,304
Hey, uh, you--you say
she lives in this house here?
221
00:08:15,339 --> 00:08:17,540
What the [bleep]'s the matter
with you, vinny?
222
00:08:17,574 --> 00:08:19,863
You're being rude.
let's go.
223
00:08:21,712 --> 00:08:25,048
I'm not trying
to be rude, it's--
224
00:08:25,083 --> 00:08:26,183
The lights are off.
225
00:08:26,217 --> 00:08:29,052
Maybe we--
let's come back later. Y--
226
00:08:29,087 --> 00:08:30,988
Hey, she's probably
just takin' a nap
227
00:08:31,022 --> 00:08:33,357
after the huge meal
she just made for us.
228
00:08:33,391 --> 00:08:34,958
Go in.
229
00:08:38,296 --> 00:08:39,562
I don't have the key.
230
00:08:39,597 --> 00:08:40,830
You should go in first.
231
00:08:40,864 --> 00:08:42,999
Oh, marrone, she said
she'd leave it open.
232
00:08:43,033 --> 00:08:48,171
Vinny, stop being
such a strunzo and get in there.
233
00:08:53,211 --> 00:08:56,213
All right, all right.
234
00:10:23,237 --> 00:10:26,205
Surprise.
235
00:10:29,643 --> 00:10:31,244
No, I'm good, man.
236
00:10:31,278 --> 00:10:33,680
You hungry?
237
00:10:33,714 --> 00:10:35,715
Sure, I could eat.
Yeah, man.
238
00:10:35,750 --> 00:10:37,584
Um, what you want?
239
00:10:37,618 --> 00:10:39,452
Uh, pizza?
Chinese?
240
00:10:40,955 --> 00:10:43,048
Kill that noise, man.
241
00:10:44,925 --> 00:10:46,787
I got a ratatouille.
242
00:10:49,497 --> 00:10:50,564
Oh, [bleep]!
243
00:10:50,598 --> 00:10:51,898
That's a rat, dude.
244
00:10:51,932 --> 00:10:53,066
No, it ain't.
245
00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:55,668
That's a ratatouille, yo.
246
00:10:56,521 --> 00:10:59,372
Hey, Ratatouille,
go make my man a sandwich.
247
00:10:59,407 --> 00:11:02,542
Yeah, show him what you got.
248
00:11:08,516 --> 00:11:10,017
What the [bleep], son?
249
00:11:10,051 --> 00:11:12,222
You got a rat up in your house?
250
00:11:13,755 --> 00:11:15,869
What this mean?
251
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,126
I don't know what to say, man.
252
00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:20,827
I got a ratatouille, man.
253
00:11:20,862 --> 00:11:23,130
He a chef just like
in all them movies, man.
254
00:11:23,164 --> 00:11:24,364
No, no r--hey.
255
00:11:24,399 --> 00:11:26,100
There's only--
256
00:11:26,134 --> 00:11:28,669
There's only one movie, Levi,
all right?
257
00:11:28,704 --> 00:11:30,171
And he's not a ratatouille.
258
00:11:30,206 --> 00:11:33,041
He's a rat
and his name is Remy.
259
00:11:33,075 --> 00:11:35,443
- Potahto, potayto.
- Potahto, p--
260
00:11:35,477 --> 00:11:37,178
- I gots myself a ratatouille.
261
00:11:37,212 --> 00:11:39,647
That's all I know.
262
00:11:39,681 --> 00:11:41,615
Order up.
263
00:11:41,650 --> 00:11:43,601
Damn!
Oh, Levi!
264
00:11:48,508 --> 00:11:50,958
Voilà .
265
00:11:50,993 --> 00:11:52,860
Levi, look at this thing, man.
266
00:11:52,894 --> 00:11:55,329
You see it got
bite marks all over it.
267
00:11:55,364 --> 00:11:58,265
Any good chef
has to taste his creation.
268
00:11:58,299 --> 00:12:02,536
That's rat [bleep]
on the sandwich.
269
00:12:02,571 --> 00:12:04,706
He did make a sandwich though.
270
00:12:04,740 --> 00:12:05,907
Oh, hell no.
271
00:12:05,941 --> 00:12:07,075
I'm out.
272
00:12:07,109 --> 00:12:10,245
My dude, you need help.
273
00:12:10,279 --> 00:12:13,681
Hey.
274
00:12:13,716 --> 00:12:15,050
Oh, well, Ratatouille.
275
00:12:15,084 --> 00:12:17,452
Another negative review.
276
00:12:18,490 --> 00:12:20,555
Maybe you want it,
Charlotte's web.
277
00:12:26,541 --> 00:12:28,642
Has anybody been racially
profiled here?
278
00:12:28,650 --> 00:12:30,484
Yes.
279
00:12:30,518 --> 00:12:32,986
- Really?
- Yes. Yes.
280
00:12:33,021 --> 00:12:34,555
That's why we have
the glasses on, right?
281
00:12:34,589 --> 00:12:35,556
No, I'm good.
282
00:12:35,590 --> 00:12:36,690
I'm one of the nerdy ones.
283
00:12:36,725 --> 00:12:38,792
Here, right here.
284
00:12:38,827 --> 00:12:40,227
Carry on, carry on.
285
00:12:40,261 --> 00:12:42,229
Being a black man
it is--it is scary, man.
286
00:12:42,263 --> 00:12:44,631
We can get thrown away
for just no reason.
287
00:12:44,666 --> 00:12:45,699
Yeah, yeah.
288
00:12:45,733 --> 00:12:47,100
Wh--I did what to who?
289
00:12:47,135 --> 00:12:49,470
Like, d--but seriously now,
what?
290
00:12:49,504 --> 00:12:51,205
What are the charges?
291
00:12:51,239 --> 00:12:52,239
What did they get you for?
292
00:12:52,273 --> 00:12:53,407
D--I don't know.
293
00:12:53,441 --> 00:12:55,209
They asked me
to come down to the station.
294
00:12:55,243 --> 00:12:56,610
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
295
00:12:56,644 --> 00:12:57,677
- I was just--
- I came.
296
00:12:57,712 --> 00:12:59,212
- I'm a [bleep] idiot.
- I know.
297
00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:01,715
Yeah.
298
00:13:01,749 --> 00:13:03,683
Are you--is there
any Muslim-Americans in the--
299
00:13:03,717 --> 00:13:05,585
There we go.
300
00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:06,586
All right.
We're very pleased--
301
00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:07,587
You guys
have it the worst
302
00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:08,588
- right now though, right?
- Yeah.
303
00:13:08,622 --> 00:13:09,656
They'll just look at your name
304
00:13:09,690 --> 00:13:10,924
and see it's...
305
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:13,326
All right.
[bleep] you go.
306
00:13:21,769 --> 00:13:23,570
Look Rajid,
307
00:13:23,604 --> 00:13:25,505
I'm gonna make this
really nice and easy for you.
308
00:13:25,539 --> 00:13:27,507
I need names and you're gonna
give 'em to me.
309
00:13:27,541 --> 00:13:28,708
You have to listen to me.
310
00:13:28,742 --> 00:13:30,877
You have to listen to me.
311
00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:33,779
This is all a huge mistake.
312
00:13:33,814 --> 00:13:36,115
Bull[bleep]!
313
00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:38,818
Department of Homeland
Security's
314
00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:41,587
been monitoring your calls
for weeks, Rajid.
315
00:13:41,622 --> 00:13:42,989
We got you.
316
00:13:43,023 --> 00:13:45,091
We know about you
and your friends.
317
00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:47,059
We know that you're a--
318
00:13:47,094 --> 00:13:48,060
Terrierist.
319
00:13:48,095 --> 00:13:51,263
I am a terrierist.
320
00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:54,133
We--me and my friends,
we breed dogs,
321
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,835
specifically terriers.
322
00:13:55,869 --> 00:13:58,137
We write terrierist fiction.
323
00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,473
We spend a good deal of time
324
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:03,310
discussing possible future
terrierist plots--
325
00:14:05,646 --> 00:14:07,513
Hmm.
That's a nice try.
326
00:14:07,532 --> 00:14:08,646
It really is.
327
00:14:09,277 --> 00:14:12,418
But it's bull[bleep], Rajid!
328
00:14:12,452 --> 00:14:13,552
Come on.
329
00:14:13,587 --> 00:14:14,887
Is that the best you got?
330
00:14:14,921 --> 00:14:16,788
Now come on, I'm listening.
331
00:14:16,823 --> 00:14:18,257
Just tell me.
Tell me.
332
00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:20,075
Tell me about
this imminent attack.
333
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,295
What? What?
What attack?
334
00:14:23,329 --> 00:14:24,596
I don't know
what you're talking about.
335
00:14:24,630 --> 00:14:26,030
What are you t--what am i
talking about?
336
00:14:26,065 --> 00:14:27,765
- I don't--
- I don't know, huh? huh?
337
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,066
I don't know
what you're talking about.
338
00:14:29,101 --> 00:14:30,468
- I'm telling you--
- No, you don't know?
339
00:14:30,502 --> 00:14:32,269
I don't know.
I don't know.
340
00:14:32,304 --> 00:14:34,605
June 11, Rajid.
341
00:14:34,639 --> 00:14:36,140
You spoke of an imminent attack.
342
00:14:36,174 --> 00:14:37,441
Oh, oh, yes. No.
343
00:14:37,476 --> 00:14:38,809
Listen, that was my friend.
344
00:14:38,844 --> 00:14:41,245
- Listen, his dog bit him.
- No.
345
00:14:41,279 --> 00:14:42,846
And I told him,
"If you do not train them..."
346
00:14:42,881 --> 00:14:45,316
- No.
- "another terrier attack
347
00:14:45,351 --> 00:14:46,317
"is imminent."
348
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:51,756
So you lie
and you see what happens?
349
00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:54,158
I don't--
I'm not lying to you.
350
00:14:54,192 --> 00:14:56,059
Come on, Rajid.
I like you.
351
00:14:56,094 --> 00:14:58,228
let's be friends, huh?
352
00:14:58,263 --> 00:15:00,096
Now you still
haven't explained to me
353
00:15:00,131 --> 00:15:03,833
why we found, on the search
engine of your computer,
354
00:15:03,868 --> 00:15:07,003
the words "Target Washington"
49 times.
355
00:15:07,037 --> 00:15:10,306
That--that is because
I was in D.C. for a dog show
356
00:15:10,341 --> 00:15:12,576
and I had to buy a squeezy toy,
a birthday card,
357
00:15:12,610 --> 00:15:15,045
and some deodorant
all at an affordable price.
358
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:16,847
All right.
359
00:15:16,881 --> 00:15:17,981
You can only
do that at Target.
360
00:15:18,016 --> 00:15:18,982
Yeah, okay.
361
00:15:19,017 --> 00:15:20,684
I see how you wanna play this.
362
00:15:22,352 --> 00:15:25,988
This is not a case
of mistaken identity, Rajid,
363
00:15:26,023 --> 00:15:28,190
and you know it!
364
00:15:28,225 --> 00:15:30,926
We've heard the conversations
between you and Jafar.
365
00:15:30,961 --> 00:15:33,930
Where you discussing your hatred
of American ideals.
366
00:15:33,964 --> 00:15:34,931
No, no, Idols.
367
00:15:34,965 --> 00:15:36,333
American Idols!
368
00:15:36,367 --> 00:15:37,667
I-I hate them.
369
00:15:37,702 --> 00:15:39,002
They performed "Dancing Queen".
370
00:15:39,036 --> 00:15:42,105
It was a desecration to ABBA.
371
00:15:42,139 --> 00:15:44,374
My favorite band.
372
00:15:44,409 --> 00:15:46,744
We got you on tape
referring to Jafar
373
00:15:46,778 --> 00:15:48,446
as one of the architects of--
374
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:49,881
- 7-Eleven!
375
00:15:49,915 --> 00:15:52,550
it was 7-Eleven!
376
00:15:52,584 --> 00:15:57,221
Jafar--he designs
convenience stores.
377
00:15:58,724 --> 00:16:01,459
7-Eleven?
378
00:16:01,493 --> 00:16:03,194
Oh, [bleep].
379
00:16:03,228 --> 00:16:06,864
Wilson, 65 dogs just attacked
the Capitol building.
380
00:16:07,769 --> 00:16:08,832
Were they terriers?
381
00:16:08,867 --> 00:16:10,400
How did you know?
382
00:16:10,435 --> 00:16:11,602
[bleep]!
383
00:16:11,636 --> 00:16:14,005
Praise ABBA.
384
00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:21,146
Welcome to Metta World News.
385
00:16:21,180 --> 00:16:23,916
In sports,
I'd rather eat my hand
386
00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:25,818
than to have my penis cut off.
387
00:16:25,852 --> 00:16:28,420
I'd really have to believe
someone was gonna cut it off,
388
00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:31,690
but if I did,
I could definitely eat my hand.
389
00:16:31,725 --> 00:16:34,193
I know because
I had a dream where I did it.
390
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:35,260
It was horrible.
391
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:36,729
I ate my whole hand.
392
00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:39,432
Now that's what you call
"rhetoric."
393
00:16:39,467 --> 00:16:41,234
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
394
00:16:41,269 --> 00:16:43,937
for this Wednesday,
April Hurricane Slipknot.
395
00:16:43,971 --> 00:16:45,238
I'm Metta World Peace.
396
00:16:45,273 --> 00:16:46,451
Good night.
397
00:16:54,097 --> 00:16:55,264
We go to the movies
together sometimes.
398
00:16:55,299 --> 00:16:57,533
- Yes.
- And we very often
399
00:16:57,534 --> 00:17:00,402
find ourselves
in these really annoying spots
400
00:17:00,470 --> 00:17:02,037
where the guys in front of us
are talking about a movie--
401
00:17:02,072 --> 00:17:03,772
they can't remember a movie.
402
00:17:03,806 --> 00:17:06,741
I've seen people get caught
in a crazy, like, vortex.
403
00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:08,243
Talking about--
hey, hey, man.
404
00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:09,877
You know,
what's the girl's name?
405
00:17:09,912 --> 00:17:10,945
What's the girl's name?
406
00:17:10,980 --> 00:17:12,480
- You know--
- She does this?
407
00:17:12,515 --> 00:17:14,482
- She does this?
- She don't do this.
408
00:17:14,517 --> 00:17:16,851
No, she, um--she on a boat.
409
00:17:16,886 --> 00:17:17,886
and then the dude
is on the boat.
410
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:18,887
She's doing it--she doing it.
411
00:17:18,921 --> 00:17:20,789
She got--"I will
always--in love--"
412
00:17:20,824 --> 00:17:22,558
- She's says "I will--"
- "I'm on the boat."
413
00:17:22,593 --> 00:17:23,826
Oh, Whitney Houston,
Whitney Houston,
414
00:17:23,861 --> 00:17:26,229
Whitney Houston,
Whitney Houston.
415
00:17:26,263 --> 00:17:28,030
- She's blonde.
- Oh, and--oh, she blonde.
416
00:17:28,064 --> 00:17:29,297
She on the boat,
417
00:17:29,332 --> 00:17:31,099
and then the shark--
Jaws, man. Jaws.
418
00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:33,334
- Talking about Jaws.
- No.
419
00:17:33,369 --> 00:17:36,070
The boat sinks,
it crashes and sinks.
420
00:17:36,105 --> 00:17:37,639
- What can hit it?
- It sinks.
421
00:17:37,673 --> 00:17:39,541
It hits a big-ass ice cube,
and it sinks.
422
00:17:39,575 --> 00:17:41,877
Oh! Oh! Oh!
423
00:17:41,911 --> 00:17:42,978
Friday.
424
00:17:48,284 --> 00:17:50,385
- Damn, she was fly.
- She a'ight.
425
00:17:50,419 --> 00:17:52,220
Yo, man.
Can I ask you a question?
426
00:17:52,254 --> 00:17:53,621
Yeah. What?
427
00:17:53,656 --> 00:17:55,457
Why everybody messing
with the Batmans?
428
00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:56,824
See?
429
00:17:56,859 --> 00:17:59,761
That's exactly
what I've been asking myself.
430
00:17:59,795 --> 00:18:00,828
It don't make no sense.
431
00:18:00,863 --> 00:18:01,963
Why would you do it?
432
00:18:01,997 --> 00:18:03,431
Why would you do that?
433
00:18:03,465 --> 00:18:05,933
Why would you try and mess
with the Batman?
434
00:18:05,967 --> 00:18:07,935
- It's futile.
- It is.
435
00:18:07,969 --> 00:18:09,437
Yo, remember,
Heath Ledger tried to.
436
00:18:09,471 --> 00:18:10,938
Psh, I mean,
the Batman's got armor.
437
00:18:10,973 --> 00:18:12,273
And, you know,
some martial arts
438
00:18:12,307 --> 00:18:14,542
and moves--
439
00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:16,944
It don't work.
I got armor.
440
00:18:16,979 --> 00:18:18,479
- And then martial arts.
- Come on.
441
00:18:18,513 --> 00:18:20,381
- All you got is a purple suit
and some pancake makeup.
442
00:18:20,415 --> 00:18:21,448
Come on, man.
443
00:18:21,483 --> 00:18:22,683
I mean, come on, man.
Batman.
444
00:18:22,717 --> 00:18:25,385
- Why would you...
- mess with the Batman?
445
00:18:25,419 --> 00:18:27,320
- That's what I'm saying, man.
446
00:18:27,355 --> 00:18:28,688
Oh, remember
when Danny DeVito tried it?
447
00:18:28,723 --> 00:18:30,290
- Psh.
- Start walking around.
448
00:18:30,324 --> 00:18:31,324
Talking like...
449
00:18:37,632 --> 00:18:39,399
Come on, man.
450
00:18:39,433 --> 00:18:42,569
I mean, the Batman is a
multi-billionaire with a grudge.
451
00:18:42,604 --> 00:18:43,570
You're just
a little fat mother[bleep]
452
00:18:43,605 --> 00:18:45,306
in a tuxedo with an umbrella.
453
00:18:45,341 --> 00:18:47,008
- Exactly, man.
- Come on, man.
454
00:18:47,042 --> 00:18:49,644
It's like a pretend bird
can't mess with the Batman.
455
00:18:49,678 --> 00:18:51,745
No way. no way.
out of the question, man.
456
00:18:51,780 --> 00:18:53,013
But Jim Carrey though.
457
00:18:53,048 --> 00:18:55,182
Psh, Jim Carrey though.
458
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:56,751
- Jim Carrey.
- Come on.
459
00:18:56,785 --> 00:18:57,918
"Riddle me this.
460
00:18:57,953 --> 00:19:00,855
Riddle me that, mans."
461
00:19:00,889 --> 00:19:02,723
How is Ace Ventura
gonna mess with the Batmans?
462
00:19:02,758 --> 00:19:03,958
- Well played. Well played.
- How is Ace Ventura--
463
00:19:03,992 --> 00:19:05,126
Well played.
464
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:07,328
"Hey, Batmans.
I've come to get you."
465
00:19:08,364 --> 00:19:09,531
- Aah!
- Now see.
466
00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:10,899
How are you supposed
to block a Batarang
467
00:19:10,933 --> 00:19:13,901
from going in your butt with
a carefully crafted query?
468
00:19:13,936 --> 00:19:15,937
- You cannot. That's how.
- It's impossible.
469
00:19:15,971 --> 00:19:17,939
- Hey. Hey, psh.
Hey, psh. Hey, psh.
470
00:19:17,973 --> 00:19:19,507
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
471
00:19:19,541 --> 00:19:22,477
Michelle Puhfeiffer tried
to mess with the Batmans.
472
00:19:22,511 --> 00:19:24,912
Michelle Puhfeiffer tried to mess
with the Batmans.
473
00:19:24,947 --> 00:19:26,114
Michelle Puhfeiffer.
474
00:19:26,148 --> 00:19:27,515
- Michelle Puhfeiffer...
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
475
00:19:27,549 --> 00:19:28,650
tried to mess
with the Batman.
476
00:19:28,684 --> 00:19:30,451
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
477
00:19:30,486 --> 00:19:31,752
Guess what,
Michelle Puhfeiffer?
478
00:19:31,787 --> 00:19:33,721
- You ain't a real cat!
- Come on.
479
00:19:33,755 --> 00:19:34,988
I'll tell you one thing.
480
00:19:35,023 --> 00:19:37,392
Ain't no way you gonna meow-s
with the Batman.
481
00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:39,594
But what about
Arnold Scharzenegger though ?
482
00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:41,006
What's Arnold Scharzenegger
trying to do?
483
00:19:41,016 --> 00:19:41,630
Come on, man.
484
00:19:41,664 --> 00:19:42,831
What is
Arnold Scharzenegger--
485
00:19:42,865 --> 00:19:45,134
Feel the burn. Feel the burn.
Feel the burn.
486
00:19:45,168 --> 00:19:47,102
It should be in your triceps.
487
00:19:47,137 --> 00:19:48,738
- Come on, man.
- Arnold Scharzenegger--
488
00:19:48,772 --> 00:19:49,972
You can't turn up the AC
489
00:19:50,007 --> 00:19:51,774
and think that's gonna mess
with the Batman.
490
00:19:51,809 --> 00:19:52,875
What is it supposed to be
doing to the Batman?
491
00:19:52,909 --> 00:19:54,610
- Giving the Batmans a cold?
- Come on, man.
492
00:19:54,644 --> 00:19:55,978
Giving the Batmans
a sniffle?
493
00:19:56,012 --> 00:19:57,680
Man, talking
about Bat lozenge.
494
00:19:57,714 --> 00:19:58,881
And you're defeated.
495
00:19:58,916 --> 00:20:00,216
Come on, man.
496
00:20:00,250 --> 00:20:01,951
You know,
there is one person though.
497
00:20:01,985 --> 00:20:03,586
Oh, no, no, no.
Here it come now.
498
00:20:03,620 --> 00:20:04,587
There is one person
who could--
499
00:20:04,622 --> 00:20:06,022
Here it comes right now.
500
00:20:06,056 --> 00:20:07,123
- Mm-hmm.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
501
00:20:07,158 --> 00:20:08,124
There's one person
who could...
502
00:20:08,159 --> 00:20:09,426
Here it comes right now.
503
00:20:09,460 --> 00:20:12,495
did, and shall again
bested the Batman.
504
00:20:12,530 --> 00:20:13,630
- No, no, no.
- Whoo!
505
00:20:13,664 --> 00:20:16,333
- Boy, here it comes.
- He trained the Batman.
506
00:20:16,368 --> 00:20:18,902
He gave the Batmans his skills.
507
00:20:18,937 --> 00:20:20,337
He's a mirror image
of the Batmans
508
00:20:20,372 --> 00:20:22,406
in fighting prowess.
509
00:20:22,441 --> 00:20:25,309
- I'm talking about...
- Ra's Al Ghul!
510
00:20:25,344 --> 00:20:26,443
That's right, dog.
Right there.
511
00:20:26,478 --> 00:20:28,279
Talk about straight up
Ra's Al Ghul.
512
00:20:28,313 --> 00:20:31,848
- Played by the incomparable...
- Liam Neesons.
513
00:20:31,883 --> 00:20:35,352
So even when we are talking
about the Batmans...
514
00:20:35,386 --> 00:20:41,391
Liam Neesons
is my [bleep].
515
00:20:46,965 --> 00:20:48,031
Thank you.
516
00:20:48,066 --> 00:20:49,799
Praise ABBA!
517
00:20:49,834 --> 00:20:51,368
- Good night, everybody.
- All right. Thank you.
518
00:20:51,402 --> 00:20:52,936
Good night, guys.
519
00:20:58,409 --> 00:21:01,378
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
520
00:21:01,412 --> 00:21:03,413
Oh, yeah.
36475
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