Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:16,997 --> 00:00:19,242
Go, kids.
2
00:01:29,387 --> 00:01:31,355
Whoa!
3
00:01:33,763 --> 00:01:36,598
Thank you.
4
00:01:37,823 --> 00:01:38,823
Good to see ya.
5
00:01:38,893 --> 00:01:41,428
Good to see ya.
6
00:01:42,368 --> 00:01:44,055
Thank you. Wow.
7
00:01:44,134 --> 00:01:45,134
Oh, my goodness.
8
00:01:45,313 --> 00:01:47,481
Okay, thank you so much.
Oh!
9
00:01:47,878 --> 00:01:49,383
Whoa!
10
00:01:49,417 --> 00:01:50,286
Wow.
11
00:01:50,347 --> 00:01:51,615
I am Keegan-Michael Key.
12
00:01:51,649 --> 00:01:52,540
I am Jordan Peele.
13
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:53,709
And we are Key and Peele.
14
00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:55,339
Thanks for coming out.
15
00:01:58,127 --> 00:02:00,128
- Well, we're glad to be back.
- Yeah, glad to be back.
16
00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:01,362
It's the beginning
of the third season.
17
00:02:01,396 --> 00:02:03,557
And we're happy to be back.
18
00:02:04,066 --> 00:02:05,867
Thank you very much.
19
00:02:05,901 --> 00:02:07,568
- A lot has happened...
- Yes.
20
00:02:07,602 --> 00:02:08,970
over the year
that we've been gone.
21
00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:10,271
We had to respond
to some of the things
22
00:02:10,305 --> 00:02:11,572
that are happening out there.
23
00:02:11,606 --> 00:02:13,841
I think... you know, race
is really polarizing...
24
00:02:13,876 --> 00:02:15,209
- Yes, it... mm-hmm.
- in this country.
25
00:02:15,244 --> 00:02:18,212
we... and we, you know...
we visit race ourselves
26
00:02:18,352 --> 00:02:20,286
a couple of times,
you know, here and there.
27
00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:21,320
And sometimes what we'll do
28
00:02:21,376 --> 00:02:23,626
is we find ourselves
encountering
29
00:02:23,639 --> 00:02:25,674
older African American fans.
30
00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:28,355
And what's funny is
the spectrum of fandom is easy.
31
00:02:28,390 --> 00:02:30,391
if you're a 12-year-old and
you're a fan of Key and Peele
32
00:02:30,425 --> 00:02:32,760
this is what usually happens:
33
00:02:32,795 --> 00:02:33,995
You just love it.
34
00:02:34,029 --> 00:02:35,696
But if you are...
if you're 62 years old
35
00:02:35,709 --> 00:02:36,810
and you're a fan
of Key and Peele,
36
00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:38,495
it's like, "All right."
37
00:02:42,711 --> 00:02:44,272
Hey. Hey.
38
00:02:44,306 --> 00:02:46,140
- This gentleman...
- It's him right there.
39
00:02:46,175 --> 00:02:47,116
"Hey, man.
40
00:02:47,132 --> 00:02:48,466
"I'm enjoying the program,
young man.
41
00:02:48,899 --> 00:02:50,100
"Tread lightly."
42
00:02:50,134 --> 00:02:51,674
"Tread lightly."
43
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:54,816
The older you are, the more
you have to say to us.
44
00:02:54,850 --> 00:02:56,784
It's like the conversation
just doesn't end.
45
00:02:56,819 --> 00:02:58,052
- Yeah, yeah.
- All right, thank you, sir.
46
00:02:58,086 --> 00:02:59,220
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you for watching.
47
00:02:59,254 --> 00:03:00,254
Good to see you, man.
all right.
48
00:03:00,289 --> 00:03:01,522
I'm surprised you watch.
49
00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:02,523
Hey, keep doing
what you're doing though.
50
00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:03,421
Will do.
all right, man.
51
00:03:03,632 --> 00:03:04,965
Okay, young buck, keep doing
what you're doing.
52
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,466
- Thank you, man.
- Don't let it stop now, man.
53
00:03:06,501 --> 00:03:07,906
- Keep your thang up. okay?
- You got it.
54
00:03:07,937 --> 00:03:08,755
But just remember,
55
00:03:08,770 --> 00:03:09,737
you ain't on thin ice,
brother,
56
00:03:09,813 --> 00:03:10,501
but you're on ice.
57
00:03:10,562 --> 00:03:11,529
- All right.
- Okay.
58
00:03:11,563 --> 00:03:13,553
Just make sure
you keep it going.
59
00:03:13,588 --> 00:03:15,489
- I got you.
- All right.
60
00:03:15,523 --> 00:03:17,573
But you know, we got an...
an opportunity.
61
00:03:17,605 --> 00:03:20,241
- All right.
- Lots of people.
62
00:03:20,275 --> 00:03:21,257
You're still talking to me?
63
00:03:21,274 --> 00:03:23,256
You're standing on the shoulders
of a lot of people.
64
00:03:23,312 --> 00:03:25,379
- We're still talking?
- Stay responsible.
65
00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:27,181
- All right.
- Whatever you do, man.
66
00:03:27,216 --> 00:03:28,850
Make sure you're
staying responsible.
67
00:03:29,430 --> 00:03:30,161
It's not...
68
00:03:30,161 --> 00:03:31,585
I ain't trying to shut you down.
69
00:03:31,619 --> 00:03:32,653
- It's not even...
- I want you to have
70
00:03:32,687 --> 00:03:34,388
- your creative freedom.
- Oh!
71
00:03:36,624 --> 00:03:37,758
That's good.
72
00:03:37,792 --> 00:03:40,895
We, um... we wanted
to take this opportunity
73
00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:42,284
to apologize,
74
00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:45,967
just to everybody
named "Aaron."
75
00:03:46,001 --> 00:03:48,802
Although, you know, if you're
a white dude named Aaron,
76
00:03:48,837 --> 00:03:52,077
and you went to school, and they
started calling you "A.A. Ron..."
77
00:03:52,875 --> 00:03:55,358
kind of the coolest thing
that's ever happened to you.
78
00:03:58,288 --> 00:04:00,122
All right, we're gonna take
a little roll here.
79
00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:02,883
- Jay Quellin.
- Here.
80
00:04:03,085 --> 00:04:06,220
- You are present?
Balakay.
81
00:04:06,255 --> 00:04:08,322
- Uh, here.
- Uh-huh.
82
00:04:08,357 --> 00:04:10,224
- Dee-Nice.
- Here.
83
00:04:10,259 --> 00:04:11,859
Good.
84
00:04:11,894 --> 00:04:13,761
Jay-Seeka.
85
00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:16,197
Thank you.
86
00:04:16,231 --> 00:04:17,598
Mr. Garvey?
87
00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:20,134
What is it, A.A. Ron?
88
00:04:20,168 --> 00:04:23,337
Some of us need to leave
a few minutes early today.
89
00:04:23,911 --> 00:04:25,378
Oh.
90
00:04:26,682 --> 00:04:28,750
- Oh, is that so?
- Mm-hmm.
91
00:04:28,911 --> 00:04:31,393
And what pray tell...
92
00:04:32,668 --> 00:04:36,390
is the reason for
this premature exodus?
93
00:04:37,388 --> 00:04:39,183
Yearbook photos.
94
00:04:39,456 --> 00:04:42,035
Um, we have to leave
15 minutes early
95
00:04:42,090 --> 00:04:43,657
to meet up with our clubs.
96
00:04:43,691 --> 00:04:46,127
Okay.
97
00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:47,261
All right, you know what?
98
00:04:47,296 --> 00:04:49,931
That might work
with other substitute teachers,
99
00:04:49,965 --> 00:04:51,698
but I taught
in the inner city
100
00:04:51,733 --> 00:04:53,555
for over 20 years.
101
00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:56,908
Now, y'all wanna
leave my class early
102
00:04:57,004 --> 00:05:00,506
so y'all can go meet up
at "the club."
103
00:05:00,708 --> 00:05:03,110
Ain't none of y'all
old enough
104
00:05:03,145 --> 00:05:05,512
to go to the damn club!
105
00:05:05,950 --> 00:05:07,581
Ridiculous.
106
00:05:08,438 --> 00:05:12,186
- Mr. Garvey?
- Dumb son of a bitch!
107
00:05:12,220 --> 00:05:14,788
Did I
st-st-st-st-st-stutter?
108
00:05:14,823 --> 00:05:16,623
Just then, yes.
109
00:05:17,036 --> 00:05:19,806
I'm gonna throw you out
the goddamn window!
110
00:05:21,125 --> 00:05:22,196
What, Jay Quellin?
111
00:05:22,230 --> 00:05:24,231
Mr. Garvey, we're...
we're telling the truth.
112
00:05:24,266 --> 00:05:25,899
We... we have clubs
at the school.
113
00:05:25,934 --> 00:05:27,734
We have clubs
for special interests.
114
00:05:27,769 --> 00:05:30,671
Okay, I see.
so y'all wanna play.
115
00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:31,805
Y'all wanna play.
116
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:33,540
Yeah, okay,
we gonna play little games.
117
00:05:34,015 --> 00:05:35,776
Fine. I'll play.
118
00:05:35,810 --> 00:05:38,261
I'm more than happy to play
some games with y'all.
119
00:05:38,273 --> 00:05:41,843
Anyone who's in a club...
stand your ass up.
120
00:05:43,518 --> 00:05:46,320
Uh-huh. Oh, yeah,
there it is, there it is.
121
00:05:46,355 --> 00:05:48,489
The usual suspects.
122
00:05:48,523 --> 00:05:51,450
What the hell club
are you in, Jay Quellin?
123
00:05:52,113 --> 00:05:53,560
Future leaders
of America.
124
00:05:53,595 --> 00:05:56,597
Okay, okay.
125
00:05:56,631 --> 00:05:59,800
How would you know
if you're gonna be a leader
126
00:05:59,834 --> 00:06:01,102
in the future?
127
00:06:01,471 --> 00:06:04,571
Is there a stargate
in your bedroom?
128
00:06:04,606 --> 00:06:06,940
Can you travel through time,
Jay Quellin?
129
00:06:06,975 --> 00:06:09,243
- No.
- Then sit the flip down!
130
00:06:09,487 --> 00:06:11,021
Balakay, I...
Here's the thing.
131
00:06:11,032 --> 00:06:13,381
I don't even know why
I'm about to ask you this.
132
00:06:13,415 --> 00:06:16,417
Balakay,
what club are you in?
133
00:06:16,451 --> 00:06:18,052
Um, part of the Spanish club.
134
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:20,521
Span... the Sp...
you about as Spanish
135
00:06:20,555 --> 00:06:21,989
as Reeon Seacrest,
136
00:06:22,024 --> 00:06:24,275
with your big-ass
Fraggle Rock hair!
137
00:06:25,851 --> 00:06:27,151
How 'bout you, Dee-Nice?
138
00:06:27,375 --> 00:06:28,914
I'm in the Chess club.
139
00:06:30,165 --> 00:06:32,066
Uh, I'm sorry, sweetheart,
140
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:35,202
you are not
in the Chest club.
141
00:06:35,237 --> 00:06:37,176
The "Mosquito Bite club,"
maybe.
142
00:06:37,210 --> 00:06:40,312
- Ah, that's hurtful.
- Truthful.
143
00:06:41,193 --> 00:06:42,543
There he is.
144
00:06:42,577 --> 00:06:45,379
- A.A. Ron...
- Hey.
145
00:06:45,414 --> 00:06:48,082
What club are you in?
146
00:06:48,670 --> 00:06:51,127
I'm the president of the Glee club.
Why did I talk?
147
00:06:51,194 --> 00:06:53,729
The Glee club?
Aah!
148
00:06:53,955 --> 00:06:56,223
Like they gonna have
a club
149
00:06:56,258 --> 00:06:59,126
dedicated to a TV show!
150
00:06:59,161 --> 00:07:01,728
Take your ass to
Oh-Shag-Henessy's office
151
00:07:01,763 --> 00:07:04,432
right now,
before I bust a club
152
00:07:04,466 --> 00:07:06,233
- up in your butt!
- Okay.
153
00:07:06,268 --> 00:07:08,369
- Go!
- Okay, I'm gonna go.
154
00:07:08,874 --> 00:07:10,671
Mischievous and deceitful!
155
00:07:10,684 --> 00:07:12,775
Chicanerous and deplorable.
156
00:07:12,814 --> 00:07:14,936
This is Principal O'Shaughnessy.
157
00:07:15,077 --> 00:07:17,044
Students, please report
to the gymnasium
158
00:07:17,079 --> 00:07:19,046
- for your club photos.
- Fake announcement.
159
00:07:19,081 --> 00:07:23,050
Now, does anybody in here
have a valid reason
160
00:07:23,085 --> 00:07:25,553
for leaving this classroom?
Tym-Oh-Thee.
161
00:07:25,587 --> 00:07:27,555
- I gotta pick up my daughter.
- You're excused.
162
00:07:31,309 --> 00:07:32,810
Yo, yo, yo, what up,
what up, what up?
163
00:07:32,844 --> 00:07:34,845
Welcome to Battle Rap,
where we're gonna battle rap
164
00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:36,747
every day in the month of
February, y'all.
165
00:07:36,782 --> 00:07:38,616
Yo, I'm your host,
Big Peep-Paroo!
166
00:07:38,650 --> 00:07:40,150
- R-r-r-roo!
- That's right, that's right,
167
00:07:40,185 --> 00:07:42,219
that's right, that's right.
To my left, we got the champion.
168
00:07:42,253 --> 00:07:43,854
Yo, introduce, son!
- Yeah, what's happenin'?
169
00:07:43,889 --> 00:07:46,624
This your boy, Rhino D,
and I'm about to fronthand...
170
00:07:46,658 --> 00:07:48,192
backhand his ass
off the mic!
171
00:07:48,226 --> 00:07:49,627
That's right, that's right,
that's right.
172
00:07:49,661 --> 00:07:51,128
And on my right,
we got the challenger.
173
00:07:51,162 --> 00:07:52,396
- Introduce yourself, playa.
- Yeah, what's up, man?
174
00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:53,831
I'm Diller Killer,
in the house.
175
00:07:53,865 --> 00:07:56,801
100 USDA pure meat.
no filler right here, dawg.
176
00:07:56,835 --> 00:07:58,736
- Hoo! Hoo!
- Okay, okay.
177
00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:00,537
Yo, Diller lost the toss,
so you go first.
178
00:08:00,572 --> 00:08:02,239
Okay, gentlemen,
battle rap!
179
00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:03,608
All right, yeah, man.
Now, here we go.
180
00:08:03,642 --> 00:08:05,610
You're shook, son.
I'm gonna eat you for breakfast.
181
00:08:05,644 --> 00:08:07,011
- 'cause I'm a cook, son.
- Ha ha!
182
00:08:07,045 --> 00:08:09,446
I stole a cop-a-feel
from your girl's breasteses!
183
00:08:09,481 --> 00:08:10,648
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
184
00:08:12,383 --> 00:08:13,818
Wait a minute.
Get back.
185
00:08:15,654 --> 00:08:17,343
He don't even know, man.
Hey, listen, man.
186
00:08:17,370 --> 00:08:19,804
You can't even win
this 100-yard dash,
187
00:08:19,838 --> 00:08:21,172
but let me ask you
a question.
188
00:08:21,233 --> 00:08:23,282
What do they call that,
a moustache?
189
00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:25,362
Ohh...
190
00:08:27,432 --> 00:08:29,100
Aaaah!
191
00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:30,768
- Aah!
- No, man, see...
192
00:08:30,802 --> 00:08:33,470
Relax, man. Hey, I need you
to relax a little bit.
193
00:08:34,606 --> 00:08:36,007
Take it down
a little bit.
194
00:08:36,041 --> 00:08:38,142
- Ahhhhhh...
- What the [bleep] you doin'?
195
00:08:38,176 --> 00:08:41,145
I'm telling you, take... can you
take it down a little bit, man?
196
00:08:42,648 --> 00:08:44,060
Come on, what are you,
a horse?
197
00:08:44,916 --> 00:08:48,300
- Aaaah!
- That's the last one.
198
00:08:48,462 --> 00:08:50,372
Yo, what's up, dawg?
You know, my [bleep] is rich.
199
00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:51,738
I'm swimmin' in simoleons.
200
00:08:51,823 --> 00:08:54,224
What am I supposed to do with
this miniature black Napoleon?
201
00:08:56,061 --> 00:08:57,427
Yeah, all right.
202
00:08:57,462 --> 00:08:58,963
Yo! Hey, man.
203
00:08:58,997 --> 00:09:01,098
Hey, dawg,
get your... hey, hey!
204
00:09:01,133 --> 00:09:03,367
Now... come on, now.
don't get my eyes wet.
205
00:09:03,401 --> 00:09:04,635
Hey, hey, get your boy...
206
00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:06,637
- Waaaaaah!
- Yo, I'm sorry.
207
00:09:06,672 --> 00:09:08,072
Look at that. Look at this.
Look at this.
208
00:09:08,106 --> 00:09:10,440
Look at it. Look at it.
Oh, oh, yeah.
209
00:09:10,475 --> 00:09:12,209
Go get it, now.
that's a boy. Oh.
210
00:09:12,243 --> 00:09:14,211
Yeah, man! Here we go!
Yeah, man, look at that chain
211
00:09:14,245 --> 00:09:16,113
and these fake-ass
Timberlands.
212
00:09:16,148 --> 00:09:17,982
- Aaaaaahhh...
- Oh, man!
213
00:09:18,016 --> 00:09:20,117
I'm sorry.
No, you're okay, man.
214
00:09:20,152 --> 00:09:22,086
I'm sorry.
I really apologize.
215
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,420
Yo, man.
What's wrong with him, man?
216
00:09:23,454 --> 00:09:25,536
Hey, hey!
Remember... no, no, hey!
217
00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:29,060
Aaaaaahhh...
218
00:09:29,094 --> 00:09:30,995
- Ahh ahh!
- Why are you doing me?
219
00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:32,329
- Aaaaahh!
- Why would you... listen.
220
00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:35,566
- Aaaah!
- No. No, no, no. Come on.
221
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:39,036
- Aaaahh!
- Shh. Shh. Shh.
222
00:09:39,071 --> 00:09:40,304
All right,
you guys gotta go, man.
223
00:09:40,338 --> 00:09:41,739
- No, come on, man.
- No, man.
224
00:09:41,773 --> 00:09:44,241
No, you're all done, man.
You got to go.
225
00:09:44,275 --> 00:09:45,843
That's right, man.
Yo, we got a champion still.
226
00:09:45,877 --> 00:09:47,011
We got a champion still
right here.
227
00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:48,378
Hey, what's happenin'?
228
00:09:48,413 --> 00:09:50,480
Yeah! That's what's up.
That's your boy...
229
00:09:50,515 --> 00:09:52,083
- Aaaaaahh...
- Just...give me the hat!
230
00:09:52,117 --> 00:09:53,184
- Hey, man...
- Give it up!
231
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:56,187
Gimme that [bleep] hat!
232
00:10:00,258 --> 00:10:02,392
Listen.
Listen... listen, man.
233
00:10:02,427 --> 00:10:04,628
I want you to look out
on the lake, man.
234
00:10:04,662 --> 00:10:07,297
I just want you to look out
and imagine a place, man,
235
00:10:07,332 --> 00:10:08,465
where you can do
your thing, man.
236
00:10:08,499 --> 00:10:09,334
Hooooo...
237
00:10:09,346 --> 00:10:11,336
Where you and I could go
and do our thing,
238
00:10:11,336 --> 00:10:13,796
- but never have to forfeit, yeah!
- Yahh.
239
00:10:13,843 --> 00:10:15,706
You could scream and shout
and shove people
240
00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:17,842
back and forth, but we don't
never have to quit.
241
00:10:17,876 --> 00:10:19,443
- Aaaah!
- But look out on the lake, man.
242
00:10:19,477 --> 00:10:21,545
Look out on the lake.
243
00:10:21,579 --> 00:10:23,848
No matter what happens, man,
I start rappin'.
244
00:10:23,882 --> 00:10:24,849
Hwah!
245
00:10:24,883 --> 00:10:26,350
And my rhymes,
they start to flow.
246
00:10:26,384 --> 00:10:28,219
And I'm turnin' the tide.
247
00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:30,287
And no matter what you do,
you can push and shove
248
00:10:30,321 --> 00:10:32,489
and scream, but we'll never
get disqualified.
249
00:10:32,523 --> 00:10:34,225
Laa laa laa!
250
00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:35,726
Ah ha ha ha!
251
00:10:35,761 --> 00:10:39,130
Yeah, yeah, ooh! Ha-ha!
252
00:10:39,164 --> 00:10:41,065
Man, for good measure, while
you're looking at the lake,
253
00:10:41,099 --> 00:10:43,134
just give me
one more good "Aaaahh."
254
00:10:43,168 --> 00:10:44,334
Aaaah...
255
00:10:51,699 --> 00:10:53,177
You know what'd be great,
is if there were
256
00:10:53,211 --> 00:10:55,479
other occupations
that had hype men in them.
257
00:10:55,513 --> 00:10:56,647
- Yeah.
- Like, you know what I mean?
258
00:10:56,681 --> 00:10:58,415
Like if a lawyer had
a hype man.
259
00:10:58,449 --> 00:10:59,750
I think that would be great.
- Yeah, that would...
260
00:10:59,785 --> 00:11:00,751
That would really
spice up
261
00:11:00,786 --> 00:11:02,686
the proceedings
in the courtroom.
262
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:06,590
- Your honor, I object.
- Oh, ho ho!
263
00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:08,993
Oh, he objects!
264
00:11:09,027 --> 00:11:11,896
He objects!
265
00:11:11,930 --> 00:11:15,232
Not only is the prosecution
being argumentative...
266
00:11:15,267 --> 00:11:17,201
Oh ho ho!
267
00:11:17,235 --> 00:11:20,237
This [bleep] is argumentative!
268
00:11:23,775 --> 00:11:26,110
This next sketch
is definitely going to get...
269
00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:28,412
If you are a guy, it's going
to get you in trouble
270
00:11:28,446 --> 00:11:30,181
right now... there's only
one way to say it.
271
00:11:30,215 --> 00:11:33,984
So we recommend that you
either leave the room,
272
00:11:34,019 --> 00:11:35,019
turn off the TV...
273
00:11:35,053 --> 00:11:36,687
- Or play it coo...
play it cool.
274
00:11:36,721 --> 00:11:39,256
- Yeah, play it cool.
- Just play it cool.
275
00:11:39,291 --> 00:11:40,490
No, you're gonna want
to watch it
276
00:11:40,525 --> 00:11:41,625
and maybe... maybe get...
277
00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:43,627
somehow get your lady
out of the room.
278
00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:45,395
No, gentlemen, I would suggest
you take a diamond ring...
279
00:11:45,430 --> 00:11:48,032
- If you have one laying around.
- of a significant...
280
00:11:48,066 --> 00:11:51,768
- of a significant carat.
- Oh, yes.
281
00:11:51,803 --> 00:11:53,103
And just chuck it
out a window.
282
00:11:53,138 --> 00:11:54,138
Just throw it.
283
00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:55,605
As far as you think
you need to.
284
00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:58,042
And she'll go,
"What the... what you doin'?"
285
00:12:01,146 --> 00:12:04,014
Hey, girl, I'm home.
286
00:12:04,049 --> 00:12:05,482
Hey, boo.
how you doing?
287
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:07,918
- Good.
- How was work?
288
00:12:07,953 --> 00:12:09,186
Sucked.
289
00:12:09,221 --> 00:12:11,755
Aww. Can I ask you
a quick question?
290
00:12:11,789 --> 00:12:13,157
Yeah, sure.
What up?
291
00:12:13,191 --> 00:12:15,592
I've just been noticing
that every time
292
00:12:15,626 --> 00:12:18,329
I leave to go out, the next time
I open the computer,
293
00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:21,165
the browser history's
been cleared.
294
00:12:21,199 --> 00:12:23,968
Hmm. That's weird.
295
00:12:24,002 --> 00:12:25,236
Yesterday,
i went food shopping
296
00:12:25,270 --> 00:12:26,803
for, like, 15 minutes.
297
00:12:26,838 --> 00:12:28,572
I used the computer before
I went to the store,
298
00:12:28,606 --> 00:12:31,075
and when I came back,
my history was gone,
299
00:12:31,109 --> 00:12:33,810
the cache was cleared,
and the cookies had been reset.
300
00:12:33,845 --> 00:12:36,580
Hmm.
301
00:12:38,984 --> 00:12:41,818
Well, I think sometimes
the computer runs
302
00:12:41,853 --> 00:12:43,587
an automatic software update,
303
00:12:43,621 --> 00:12:46,456
so maybe that just kind of
clears the history.
304
00:12:46,491 --> 00:12:48,825
Yeah, except when you update
the software,
305
00:12:48,860 --> 00:12:50,995
a little window pops up,
and you click "OK,"
306
00:12:51,029 --> 00:12:53,330
and then it gets installed,
so...
307
00:12:53,365 --> 00:12:55,532
- Mm-mm.
- Hmm.
308
00:12:57,969 --> 00:12:59,703
I don't know, maybe there's
something wrong
309
00:12:59,737 --> 00:13:01,338
with the computer,
you know?
310
00:13:01,373 --> 00:13:02,940
And it's just
one of those things,
311
00:13:02,974 --> 00:13:04,708
whenever it gets interrupted
from the power source,
312
00:13:04,742 --> 00:13:08,047
it has to reboot, and it just
totally wipes out the history.
313
00:13:10,312 --> 00:13:13,017
Be honest, babe.
it's porn, right?
314
00:13:13,051 --> 00:13:15,719
Porn?
315
00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:17,955
What's...
oh, pornography?
316
00:13:17,989 --> 00:13:19,223
No.
317
00:13:19,257 --> 00:13:20,857
It's okay
if you look at porn.
318
00:13:20,892 --> 00:13:23,294
I assumed you did anyways.
I mean, every guy does.
319
00:13:23,328 --> 00:13:24,528
I'm perfectly okay
with that,
320
00:13:24,562 --> 00:13:26,702
and long as it's not
that weird stuff.
321
00:13:27,999 --> 00:13:30,767
Oh... All right.
322
00:13:30,802 --> 00:13:32,502
Well, I mean,
kinky's okay.
323
00:13:32,537 --> 00:13:34,038
I like kinky.
324
00:13:34,072 --> 00:13:37,207
As long as it's not
that sick, twisted S&M stuff.
325
00:13:40,678 --> 00:13:43,414
Wow. Um...
326
00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:45,582
Okay, I'm not gonna judge
your journey.
327
00:13:45,616 --> 00:13:47,017
It is your fantasy.
328
00:13:47,026 --> 00:13:49,657
Just as long as you aren't
looking at women who...
329
00:13:51,089 --> 00:13:52,722
Not women?
330
00:13:53,089 --> 00:13:55,159
Wow! Okay.
331
00:13:55,474 --> 00:13:58,376
Men? Chicks with dicks?
332
00:13:58,425 --> 00:14:01,653
Horses?
Worse than horses?
333
00:14:02,498 --> 00:14:03,932
Wow.
334
00:14:04,069 --> 00:14:06,803
Baby, gimme
a little credit.
335
00:14:06,838 --> 00:14:08,272
None of that matters.
336
00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:10,107
The only thing that matters
that when we're doing it,
337
00:14:10,167 --> 00:14:11,918
I'm thinking about you...
338
00:14:12,243 --> 00:14:14,711
And you're thinking
about me. Right?
339
00:14:17,215 --> 00:14:18,182
Right, baby?
340
00:14:26,271 --> 00:14:29,231
You guys, uh,
you guys know the film...
341
00:14:29,668 --> 00:14:31,368
the film musical
Les Mis, right?
342
00:14:31,402 --> 00:14:34,004
- People have seen that?
- It came out kinda recently.
343
00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:36,373
We just know that
so many girlfriends
344
00:14:36,407 --> 00:14:38,408
got their guy to see it
by just being, like,
345
00:14:38,442 --> 00:14:40,703
Hey, your boy Wolverine
is in there.
346
00:14:43,682 --> 00:14:45,816
Wha... no. No, he ain't.
He ain't in there.
347
00:14:45,850 --> 00:14:47,584
- Yes, he is.
- Wolverine ain't in no Les Mis.
348
00:14:47,618 --> 00:14:49,452
Your boy Wolverine.
Ta-ching. Ta-ching.
349
00:14:49,487 --> 00:14:52,823
That's your boy.
He in there.
350
00:14:52,857 --> 00:14:54,324
- He ain't in there.
- He is in there.
351
00:14:54,358 --> 00:14:55,893
- He ain't in there, though.
- Yes, he is.
352
00:14:56,247 --> 00:14:58,602
- Who else in it?
- Gladiator.
353
00:14:58,636 --> 00:15:00,237
- Hell no.
- Yes.
354
00:15:00,245 --> 00:15:01,678
That's your boy.
355
00:15:01,685 --> 00:15:03,720
Maximus is in the movie.
356
00:15:03,755 --> 00:15:04,822
You ain't tryin'
to trick me?
357
00:15:04,832 --> 00:15:06,670
I ain't tryin'
to trick you.
358
00:15:06,705 --> 00:15:08,739
- Well, let's go, then.
- Let's go.
359
00:15:08,773 --> 00:15:13,410
Ah, man, she's just... he's
like, "Oh, man, come on. What?
360
00:15:13,444 --> 00:15:15,179
- That ain't Wolverine.
- That's Wolverine.
361
00:15:15,213 --> 00:15:16,915
- That ain't Wolverine, though.
- That's Wolverine, though.
362
00:15:16,937 --> 00:15:18,415
- That ain't Wolverine, though.
- Yes, it is.
363
00:15:18,449 --> 00:15:20,250
- No, that ain't Wolverine.
- No, that's your man.
364
00:15:20,284 --> 00:15:21,819
That's your man.
That's your dawg.
365
00:15:21,853 --> 00:15:23,687
And, look, there Catwoman
up on this bitch.
366
00:15:23,722 --> 00:15:25,222
- Catwoman?
- That's for you.
367
00:15:25,256 --> 00:15:27,124
I did this for you.
368
00:15:27,158 --> 00:15:30,327
I come to the movies
for you.
369
00:15:42,841 --> 00:15:45,776
♪ One at a time ♪
370
00:15:45,911 --> 00:15:48,502
♪ I put men like you ♪
371
00:15:48,666 --> 00:15:52,264
♪ Behind bars every day ♪
372
00:15:53,397 --> 00:15:55,951
♪ One at a time ♪
373
00:15:55,957 --> 00:16:00,523
♪ Legateaux,
you may take my years ♪
374
00:16:00,905 --> 00:16:04,896
♪ But cannot lock
my soul away ♪
375
00:16:06,731 --> 00:16:08,498
♪ All the years
I had to run ♪
376
00:16:08,532 --> 00:16:09,566
♪ I chased you
through the years ♪
377
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:11,368
♪ So long ago it all begun ♪
378
00:16:11,402 --> 00:16:13,070
♪ Now your journey's
at an end ♪
379
00:16:13,104 --> 00:16:14,638
♪ In the shadows
on my shame ♪
380
00:16:14,672 --> 00:16:15,672
♪ You will pay
for what you've done ♪
381
00:16:15,706 --> 00:16:17,207
♪ But was I ever to blame? ♪
382
00:16:17,242 --> 00:16:18,642
♪ Death will be
your only friend ♪
383
00:16:18,676 --> 00:16:20,177
♪ Do I let
this fight end now? ♪
384
00:16:20,211 --> 00:16:21,478
♪ Do not interrupt me ♪
385
00:16:21,512 --> 00:16:23,180
♪ Just to end
this life of pain ♪
386
00:16:23,214 --> 00:16:24,481
♪ Let me finish
what I need to say ♪
387
00:16:24,515 --> 00:16:25,849
♪ Will the end
be welcome now? ♪
388
00:16:25,884 --> 00:16:26,950
♪ Fine, I'll let you
finish first ♪
389
00:16:26,985 --> 00:16:28,752
♪ Will my journey
be in vain? ♪
390
00:16:28,787 --> 00:16:29,987
♪ Don't let me
get in your way ♪
391
00:16:30,021 --> 00:16:31,922
♪ I only stole
a loaf of bread ♪
392
00:16:31,956 --> 00:16:33,657
- ♪ Are you finished now? ♪
- ♪ All I needed ♪
393
00:16:33,691 --> 00:16:35,859
- ♪ to survive ♪
- ♪ Okay, now it's my turn ♪
394
00:16:35,894 --> 00:16:36,994
♪ If I end up
in your cell ♪
395
00:16:37,028 --> 00:16:38,328
♪ Can we have
some give and take? ♪
396
00:16:38,362 --> 00:16:39,863
♪ Why should I have
stayed alive? ♪
397
00:16:39,898 --> 00:16:41,231
♪ Let me get a word,
at least ♪
398
00:16:41,266 --> 00:16:44,067
♪ Do I tell him
that I love him? ♪
399
00:16:44,102 --> 00:16:46,767
♪ Do I tell him
of his child? ♪
400
00:16:46,779 --> 00:16:48,746
♪ Now, where did this bitch
come from? ♪
401
00:16:48,781 --> 00:16:52,517
- ♪ I have no idea ♪
- ♪ one at a time ♪
402
00:16:52,551 --> 00:16:54,686
♪ Will he ever know
his daughter? ♪
403
00:16:54,698 --> 00:16:55,999
♪ Lady, seriously,
please hang on ♪
404
00:16:56,033 --> 00:16:57,500
♪ Will he recognize
her eyes? ♪
405
00:16:57,512 --> 00:16:58,879
♪ It's hard enough
to talk to him ♪
406
00:16:58,883 --> 00:17:00,784
♪ Did you say my daughter? ♪
407
00:17:00,784 --> 00:17:03,243
- ♪ Yours and mine ♪
- ♪ One at a time ♪
408
00:17:03,243 --> 00:17:04,944
♪ The trumpets
call out freedom ♪
409
00:17:04,956 --> 00:17:06,223
♪ This all has to happen
on the same block? ♪
410
00:17:06,257 --> 00:17:07,624
♪ Let the marching
shake the ground ♪
411
00:17:07,658 --> 00:17:09,259
♪ Now this is just a joke ♪
412
00:17:09,294 --> 00:17:12,629
♪ We could solve all these
issues if everyone just spoke ♪
413
00:17:12,663 --> 00:17:14,231
♪ One at a time ♪
414
00:17:14,265 --> 00:17:16,099
♪ Taking what we can, 'cause
things are getting worse ♪
415
00:17:16,134 --> 00:17:18,768
♪ Taking what we can
from every pocket and purse ♪
416
00:17:18,803 --> 00:17:19,803
♪ One at a time ♪
417
00:17:19,838 --> 00:17:22,139
♪ The men have come ♪
418
00:17:22,173 --> 00:17:23,941
♪ Their blood
will spill ♪
419
00:17:23,975 --> 00:17:25,575
♪ One at time ♪
420
00:17:25,609 --> 00:17:27,377
♪ The years
destroyed the man ♪
421
00:17:27,411 --> 00:17:30,047
♪ She knew
before we parted ♪
422
00:17:30,081 --> 00:17:32,382
♪ And when love and war
and blood and glory's ♪
423
00:17:32,416 --> 00:17:34,318
♪ Barracks
have been climbed ♪
424
00:17:34,352 --> 00:17:37,087
- ♪ We will die ♪
- ♪ I will love ♪
425
00:17:37,121 --> 00:17:38,421
♪ Years, they pass ♪
426
00:17:38,456 --> 00:17:40,120
Can't we speak?
427
00:17:41,125 --> 00:17:42,425
♪ One ♪
428
00:17:42,460 --> 00:17:45,062
♪ Here we go again,
popping in and out ♪
429
00:17:45,096 --> 00:17:47,831
♪ Don't have much to do
with what this is about ♪
430
00:17:47,866 --> 00:17:49,366
♪ A time ♪
431
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:53,300
♪ Why are we all
facing the same way? ♪
432
00:17:55,351 --> 00:17:58,940
Is the city on fire?
What's with all the smoke?
433
00:18:01,079 --> 00:18:03,146
Oh, now we're all ears.
434
00:18:03,181 --> 00:18:05,015
Great.
435
00:18:09,659 --> 00:18:11,960
Hello, my fellow Americans.
436
00:18:11,986 --> 00:18:14,767
With me, as always,
is my anger translator, Luther.
437
00:18:14,799 --> 00:18:15,635
Hi!
438
00:18:15,660 --> 00:18:17,835
Now, the first year
of my second term
439
00:18:17,869 --> 00:18:18,903
has been a challenge.
440
00:18:18,937 --> 00:18:21,305
Cluster....[bleep]!
441
00:18:21,450 --> 00:18:23,784
Tonight, I'd like
to address the concerns
442
00:18:23,907 --> 00:18:26,309
of the American people
over what they perceive
443
00:18:26,366 --> 00:18:28,887
as the U.S. government spying
on their digital
444
00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:30,210
and electronic activities.
445
00:18:30,273 --> 00:18:33,709
Man, y'all some deluded,
self-important mother[bleep]
446
00:18:33,761 --> 00:18:35,405
if you think we interested
in your deviant,
447
00:18:35,464 --> 00:18:37,064
porn-watchin' asses!
448
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:39,755
I can assure you,
the American people,
449
00:18:39,768 --> 00:18:42,170
we are not reading
every individual email.
450
00:18:42,182 --> 00:18:44,216
Rather, we're searching
for key words
451
00:18:44,251 --> 00:18:45,951
that would indicate a threat.
452
00:18:45,963 --> 00:18:47,107
And don't worry,
everybody,
453
00:18:47,185 --> 00:18:49,533
those key words are not
"girl on girl,"
454
00:18:49,810 --> 00:18:52,734
"anal", "squirting",
"plopping".
455
00:18:52,837 --> 00:18:54,872
- Hmm. "Plopping"?
456
00:18:54,906 --> 00:18:56,441
What the [bleep]
is "plopping,"
457
00:18:56,475 --> 00:18:57,942
you dirty mother[bleep]?
458
00:18:57,976 --> 00:18:59,944
These key words
are being used,
459
00:18:59,978 --> 00:19:00,945
amongst other things,
460
00:19:00,979 --> 00:19:02,146
to prevent terrorists
461
00:19:02,181 --> 00:19:04,382
from using weapons
of mass destruction.
462
00:19:04,416 --> 00:19:06,694
Not prevent you
from watching videos
463
00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:08,388
of ass destruction!
464
00:19:08,420 --> 00:19:10,888
Now, these policies
have already foiled
465
00:19:10,922 --> 00:19:12,957
numerous terrorist plots.
466
00:19:12,991 --> 00:19:14,959
These are not the kind of
plots that y'all are used to,
467
00:19:14,993 --> 00:19:16,260
like when a guy
comes in the door
468
00:19:16,295 --> 00:19:17,761
with his penis
in a pizza box,
469
00:19:17,796 --> 00:19:19,197
and a lady sucks on it.
470
00:19:19,231 --> 00:19:20,898
And I assure you
471
00:19:20,932 --> 00:19:22,300
that the country's
gotten safer
472
00:19:22,334 --> 00:19:24,168
since the end
of the Bush era.
473
00:19:24,225 --> 00:19:26,227
And I ain't talkin'
about the president. Boop.
474
00:19:26,326 --> 00:19:29,961
These policies have allowed us
to probe and penetrate...
475
00:19:29,995 --> 00:19:31,963
- I know y'all been probin...
- until the de... No, Luther...
476
00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:34,088
Just, what I'm
trying to say is
477
00:19:34,089 --> 00:19:36,858
that there have been numerous
terrorist cells fingered...
478
00:19:36,858 --> 00:19:38,292
- And you got fingers, you put...
- and that... Luther.
479
00:19:38,371 --> 00:19:39,871
Okay. Luther,
why are you trying
480
00:19:39,883 --> 00:19:42,218
to undermine the president
with your juvenile
481
00:19:42,253 --> 00:19:43,786
sexual innuendo?
482
00:19:43,929 --> 00:19:45,990
The average American
has nothing to fear
483
00:19:46,024 --> 00:19:47,191
from these policies.
484
00:19:47,226 --> 00:19:49,594
Now! If we was
drone-strikin' perverts,
485
00:19:49,628 --> 00:19:50,861
our country would look like
486
00:19:50,895 --> 00:19:53,097
Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome
right about now.
487
00:19:53,132 --> 00:19:56,400
I'm talkin' about
a post-apocalyptic nightmare!
488
00:19:56,435 --> 00:19:57,868
Thank you,
and good night.
489
00:19:57,902 --> 00:19:59,237
Go to sleep, y'all.
490
00:20:00,439 --> 00:20:01,872
- "Plopping"?
- Oh, yes, sir.
491
00:20:01,906 --> 00:20:03,374
That's when...
492
00:20:03,408 --> 00:20:05,510
Oh!
493
00:20:05,544 --> 00:20:07,801
Y'all are some sick
mother[bleep].
494
00:20:16,923 --> 00:20:18,824
Welcome to Metta World News.
495
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:22,996
Our top story: why are people
always trying to steal my magic?
496
00:20:24,078 --> 00:20:26,646
In other news,
cat litter can be used
497
00:20:26,661 --> 00:20:28,562
to blind people
when fighting.
498
00:20:28,636 --> 00:20:30,849
Interesting.
I didn't know that.
499
00:20:31,291 --> 00:20:33,593
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
500
00:20:33,607 --> 00:20:36,441
for this Wednesday,
February biscuit fountain jerk.
501
00:20:36,497 --> 00:20:38,855
I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.
502
00:20:41,180 --> 00:20:42,415
Thank you.
503
00:20:42,449 --> 00:20:44,316
All right.
all right.
504
00:20:44,350 --> 00:20:47,520
So now, everybody,
it's time to...
505
00:20:47,554 --> 00:20:49,221
go straight to your computer
506
00:20:49,255 --> 00:20:51,189
and google "plopping."
507
00:20:51,224 --> 00:20:52,691
We're very sorry.
508
00:20:52,726 --> 00:20:53,793
- We're sorry.
- Uh, good night.
509
00:20:53,827 --> 00:20:55,227
- Thank you very much.
- Good night.
510
00:20:55,261 --> 00:20:56,862
Thank you.
511
00:20:58,765 --> 00:21:01,734
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
512
00:21:01,768 --> 00:21:03,702
Oh, yeah.
37480
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